All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s06e06 A Bit Of An Atmosphere.eng

He sighs

tyres skid

you're late... again.

What's in these packages?

What did big dino say
was in these packages?

Homemade jam.

That's right, lots of jam.

You're a stable lad, aren't you?
Why do you say that?

Well, a, we're in newmarket,
b, you're quite short.

And c, you smell of horse shit.

Yeah, well... you don't exactly
smell of roses, do you?

Errand boy.

He chuckles

look, if homosexual men are
regularly meeting in a pub

and dressing up as me, surely
we can hit them with something?

Well, you're a lawyer.

I know. I've patented my appearance,

so that means they're
in breach of copyright.

So, you get the police onto it and
tell them to take the alsatians.

Pinochet says if we extradite him
to Spain, he'll commit suicide.

Well, just so long as he
puts that in writing.

What are you doing?

Well, er, as my relationship with sue

seems to be ushering me into a new
and extraordinary phase in my life,

I thought I'd start keeping a diary.

Oh, that's nice.

See. Saturday. "Spent lovely
day together at the zoo.

"Discovered I am allergic
to giraffe spit.

"It seems incredible

"that I will soon be starting
a new life in Australia

"with a wonderful woman who loves me,

"even though my genitalia are
not visible the naked eye."

All right. Who's been
tampering with my diary?

You shouldn't have done that, Damien.

Well, then, don't leave
it lying around.

Oh, and incidentally, I
read all that bollocks

about my dizzy spells being
triggered by nervous tension.

Oh, yes, you crossed that bit out.

Clearly I had a mild
virus of the middle ear,

which, through the application
of focused brainpower,

I have now defeated totally.

Prove it.

Hey?

Prove it.

Balance on one leg.

All right.

See? No problem.

Timber!

Have you heard? It's just fantastic.

What is?

What's the best possible
news you could imagine?

Jeremy Clarkson's been
savaged by killer bees.

The shopping channel, who were
supposed to be buying these premises

from sir roysten, have suddenly
withdrawn their offer.

They're claiming they weren't
told about the building

being situated on land
polluted with cadmium.

So, now, sir roysten's
no longer got a buyer.

And when a shrewd businessman has a
property asset he can't realise,

well, you know what that means?

Yep, an insurance fire.

It means it makes no financial
sense for him to shut us down.

He'd only lose money if he
sold us at a knock-down price,

so he'll keep us open. We'll
revitalise the company's fortunes.

We'll go into profit, big profit.

Soon will be taking over
CNN, itn, bskyb, BBC.

I'll be voted radio 4 man of the year.

I'll get an executive washroom
and gold-plated jacuzzi.

Yes, I can see it all now.

Poor sod's in denial.
I'm going for a jog.

Look, in two weeks' time

I'm going to marry the 34th
richest man in the world.

I am not prepared to have
my good name sullied

by a bunch of cross-dressers
with damaged chromosomes.

So, you come up with a strategy
or I'll find a lawyer who can.

Honestly, since when has turning
pressure hoses on people

constituted assault?

Why is she in such a bad mood?

She's found mr right, hasn't she?

No, she's found mr right git.

I think he might be Stalin's lost twin.

Laughter keep the noise down!

You've got to watch this,
I'm very good in this bit.

They offer this bloke a
snog with Emma noble

if he boiled and ate his pet tortoise.

You're going down very well in this
show, Henry. What's it called again?

Wes Jasper's nightly emission.

Since my debut last Friday,
the figures have shot up.

Wes is thrilled.

In fact, he's booked me
to be his comedy sidekick

right through to the end of the series.

Isn't Wes Jasper supposed
to be a bit of a nightmare?

I've heard he's rather
arrogant and obnoxious.

Who told you that? You did, last month.

During one of your rants about the
prepubescent attention seekers

who are taking over television.

Oh, Wes is different. His
programme's got something.

Well, it's not content.

Oh, this is what I was expecting.

So predictable. I launch
myself into a new career

as an icon of youth television
and, obviously, I encounter

a pathetic chorus of small-minded envy.

Well, I'm gonna find my friend Dave.

I know he's pleased for me.

Oh. Are these the doodles
you're going to be exhibiting

in Vivian's gallery next week?

Oh, yeah. That one's called men.

Oh, yes. Very good.

Nice machetes.

One critic said my work

was an attempt to shock the viewer
out of the complacent phallocracies

that control our culture.
What do you think?

I like this horse.

Be honest with me, George, would you
pay two grand for one of these?

Well, I'm going to Australia with sue,

and I'd hate one of these to get
damaged in transportation...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I thought so.

I don't know, I just... I just
don't feel happy, you know,

making money by ripping off
people who are gullible.

You have to, it doesn't
work with shrewd people.

Just a waste of effort.

What a doing out here
in stalag nicotine?

Nothing.

You've started smoking again.
I thought you kicked that.

Yeah, well, we all have our
little addictions, don't we.

You choose to drink, whereas I...
No, no, there's a difference, see.

You smoke addictively, I
drink recreationally.

Oh, please. It's true!

Listen, I've been known
to stop drinking.

Only to vomit.

Why have you started smoking again?
Is there a problem?

Erm... no.

How's the job with the
bookie shaping up?

Yeah, er, very well. Thanks.

What exactly is the job?

I'm, er... facilitator.

Uh-huh. And what does that involve?

Liaison.

Joy said something about,
er, delivering packages.

Is this a formal interrogation?

If so, I'd like to ring my brief.
All I'm doing...

Will you just get off my case? Coughing

you should give that up.

I know. I know. I never used to smoke.

What made you start? Working
with that bastard, Wes Jasper.

Oui. Je vous parle avec sir
roysten pour la power chatting?

Yes, George.

Gus, I was just wondering... uh-uh!

I'm ringing sir roysten
at his villa in Monaco.

I'm going to capitalise on
our special relationship.

No. I'll hold.

I've always been the outsider
here, haven't I, George?

No, no.

No. It's true.

I've never been considered
good enough to join your gang.

Well, it's, erm...

Lonely at the top, I suppose.

It's desolate, George.

Sometimes it's so bleak and isolated,

you can actually hear the furniture...
giggling at you.

Well, I'm gonna save this company,
George, you mark my words.

Then you'll all have to let me
play in your treehouse, won't you?

Well, um...

We don't have a treehouse.

That's what they always say.

No. I'll hold.

Wes on TV: Ok, now, Henry, my main man,

you be the judge!

Which of these yucky teenagers
has got the grossest acne?

Well, none of them are that bad, Wes.

Come on, it's zit city
over there, look at it.

TV off

David, what can I do for you?

Well, I just wanted to say
that I really appreciate you

giving me this work to help clear off
my gambling debts, um, with you.

But I was just wondering if you had
anything that used my media skills,

rather than just delivering packages?

Because I'm not fantastically
comfortable about packages.

But you don't know what's in
the packages, do you, Dave?

Er, no, no. That's right.

But my guess is it's about
five grand for the stable boy

and some drugs to nobble
a favourite with.

Anyway, I want out.

Well, I want world peace, Dave.

I mean it. Of course you do.

Do you know why I chose you, Dave?

Because you're the perfect mixture.
You're intelligent,

but you're also very weak.

Bright enough to understand
how bent the world is,

but too scared to do anything about it.

Is that right? Oh, yes.

Yeah, well, maybe I'll
go to the police.

He chuckles I don't think so.

Anyway... I've got another
delivery for you.

Same drop as before.

You should just about make it.

Well, trot along.

Oh, and, David...

We won't be having any more
spiritual crises, will we?

Wes: This week, Darren bethell
is top of our zit parade.

Well done, Darren. Cheering

whoo-hoo, yes, indeed!

And next up, next up,

yes, it's breast fight.

Boop-doobie-doobie-doop-do-do.

Whoo! Yes!

It's demolition double d derby,
coming up after the break.

George, some stuff on the NHS changes.

Oh, I hate all these changes.

My doctor was telling me about
the latest set of new rules.

No patient to see his gp
more than once a month,

or phone his gp at home,

or turn up at his holiday
cottage in the lake district.

Henry, it's the running order.
In a moment, dear boy,

just want to relive this
particularly fine ad lib

I came up with.

Yes, is that the ad lib you spent
all yesterday afternoon memorising?

Look at that gorgeous Amazon there.
Her name's Melanie.

She's got legs that go
on longer than the a1,

and I'm planning to pull
into her scotch corner.

Yes, if you could just concentrate
on your contractual obligation

to read the lunchtime bulletin,
I would be very grateful.

My god, you're in a strop.
I'm not in a strop.

I know what'll cheer you up.
Got a hot tip.

Er... arab star in the 3:30 at kempton.

My man says it can't lose, I'm
putting all of 500 quid on it.

Er, no. I wouldn't do
that, if I were you.

Come on, my contact's sure it'll win.

Yes, I have a contact.
He's very sure it won't.

I think you'd better explain.

I don't have to explain anything.

No. I'll hold.

So, Damien, why exactly do you
want to go to the Amazon?

Because there's this tribe there.

The last one who genuinely shun any
contact with the outside world.

And I want to go and film
them, to prove I'm the best.

Cos I've only got two weeks to be
snapped up by another broadcaster.

Otherwise, I'm looking at...

Annihilation.

Because if I can't do what I do,

then I've got nothing.

See, that buzz, that adrenaline.

For me, that's what
defines being alive.

Without it...

..I'm a walking corpse.

That's terrible.

I think these bastards have cut me off.

Look, Gus, the bottom-line is
that Damien's health is...

My health is fine.

He has this illness where every time...

I've beaten that, I
proved that last night.

I did that whole interview
with lord Irving

at his official residence.
You had another turn.

A slight moment of dizziness.

You blacked out, fell and
smashed his table in half.

They have just sent us
a bill for �60,000.

Don't listen to her,
Gus, she's irrational.

She's a woman, you know
how emotional they are.

Look how upset she got when
her dad dropped dead. Huh?

She's a hysteric.

Look, send me to the Amazon, please.

Gus, please. Shh-shh. Please. Listen.

We've clearly got a
difficult situation here,

but I think I've thought it through.

The problem, as I see it,

is that, obviously, sir roysten's
people are keeping me away from him.

Oh, for god's sake!

Think of all the ordinary gamblers

who will be cheated out of their money.

What does it matter?

They won on that race,
they lose it on the next.

Listen to you, where's
your self-respect, man?!

Oh, hello. I'm getting a
lecture on self-respect

from a man who's in a show
where he acted as referee

while women pummelled each
other with their breasts.

That item was ironic.

Oh, please.

Knowing it's crap does
not stop it being crap.

I know what this is all about.

Truth is, you're attacking me because,

deep down, you feel so ashamed.

No, truth is you were so desperate
to feel young and needed

that you dropped your knickers

for the first boy who
asked you to dance.

At least Wes isn't a criminal.

He is really. But they bought
off the kids' parents.

Just stay out of this!

Look, just face facts, you old fool.

You are Wes Jasper's dancing monkey.

You'll taste fists in a second.
I wouldn't bet on it.

I wouldn't bet on anything
where you're involved!

Yes, well...

..If you've quite finished.

You're not the man I thought you were.

Ditto.

And as of this moment...

You're no longer my friend.

Oh, give me one of those bloody things.

Barclays bank say their
chief executive is leaving

to pursue other interests.

That's one of the great
euphemisms, isn't it?

Like, you know, spending
more time with the family,

she's just a researcher.

Tony Blair's a slimy git.

That's not a euphemism.

It is to me.

What are these?

Oh, er, invitations to
my exhibition next week.

Oh, so you're going
ahead with it, then?

Yeah, well, Vivian
persuaded me, didn't he.

A man... persuaded you?

I know, I'm hoping it's a one-off.

You know, I think the faces in
joy's doodles look rather like me.

Yes. Though, in a funny way,
somehow they look like all of us.

Er, by the way, Sally,

your solicitor rang about
those men dressing up...

Oh, that's all sorted out now.

My darling, sir Gordon, bought
the pub and shut it down.

And should those perverts
be foolish enough

to try to hold their
function elsewhere,

Gordon says he'll employ hired thugs.

Oh, it must be love.

I must say, if I have my way,

any homosexual who insisted
upon coming out of the closet

would immediately be
incarcerated on prison ships.

No offence, Helen.

Helen, can I just say

how much I abhorred Sally's
crass and insensitive...

You're not going to the Amazon.

Oh, then I'll go off my own bat.

You'd never make it.

I am not some kind of cripple.

I belong out there.

Oh, it's impossible.

How can I expect three drab little
mediocrities like you to understand?

I'm a star. I have to shine.

You do look pale, Damien.

Is the room beginning to sway?

Stop that, I know what
you're doing, merryweather.

No, she's right.

You don't look very well.

You can't psych me out,
I'm too strong mentally.

Stop swaying. And, George,
stop backing away from me.

I'm not backing away from you.

Oh, bugger.

Can we please keep the noise down?

I'm trying to impersonate sir
roysten's mother in there.

Pull yourselves together.

Just because we're all
staring at total oblivion,

that's no reason to go to pieces.

Is it me or is there a bit
of an atmosphere today?

No, no, no, just got back.

Just a spot of lunch with
sir Geoffrey Robinson.

Gave me a few pointers on how to
earn a million pound in one day.

Anyway, I've got to go. I'll catch
you later, all right? Yeah.

Commentator: Well, I've seen favourites

perform disappointingly before,

but arab star, I've never
seen anything like that.

Well, John, if we look
at the action replay,

we can see very clearly

that arab star's problems began
in the starting stalls, really,

when he fell asleep.

In fact, he's still there now.

You can just hear him snoring there.

The vet hasn't managed
to bring him round yet.

Obviously a stewards'
inquiry's been set in motion.

I understand a police
investigation is underway

and that a stable lad is helping
them with their enquiries.

I also understand... phone rings

mutes TV

hello.

Anything good on telly, dino?

How did you do it?

Well, let's just say I
interfered with the package

and upped the dosage somewhat.

You're dead, charnley.

I'll find you, wherever you are.

Oh, are not hard to find, I'm
at guscott road police station.

'You got that?' You're
at the police station?

Yeah, it seemed to make sense
to make the call from here

because this is where they've
got the recording equipment.

They should be paying
you a visit any minute.

Banging at the door

oh, that'll be them. Trot along.

Dave will be a while yet. He's
gone in to make a full statement.

Wish he'd asked before he borrowed
my month's supply of mogadon,

but you have to admire what
he's done, though, haven't you?

Have you? Yes.

There he was, involved in something
he knew was wrong and degrading,

but he found the strength to
stand up and do the right thing.

Didn't he?

The sooner you piss off to
Australia, the better...

You sanctimonious little shit!

Definitely an atmosphere.

No. I'll hold.

What was it you wanted?

Just a brief word about invitations
to my wedding for globelink staff.

Oh, right. There won't be any.

Sorry?

Sir Gordon has decided

the wedding will be an entirely
private affair with no guests.

I'm being given away by his accountant

and his lawyer will be best man.

No guests?

It's not for us to question
my future husband's ruling.

Not for anyone.

Please distribute a memo to
staff explaining the situation.

Gus, our weather
forecaster's just resigned.

She's gone to the BBC

and she's taken the pine
cones and the seaweed.

And, Sally, there's
someone here to see you.

She gasps oh, my god!

Impressive, aren't they?
They're all very lifelike.

Apart from that one.

Call security. We're not stopping.

We just wanted to say, we know
it was you who shut our pub down

and we are very hurt.

We weren't doing any harm, we just...

We just enjoyed being you.
But not any more.

No, from now on we're going
to be Carol smillie.

We loved you, Sally.

Perhaps we review only ones who did.
We thought you had style.

But we don't want to be
Sally smedley any more.

Well, you hoo-bloody-ray.

So, you don't want to be Sally
smedley, that's just fine.

Who in their right minds would
want to be Sally smedley?

I don't want to be Sally smedley.

She is miserable and friendless,
and she's getting a turkey neck.

I want to be Carol smillie!

Now, that was style.

What an exit. Pure Joan Crawford.

Mm. Put the kit back on,
girls, she's the one for us.

Phone rings

answerphone: You're
through to globelink.

Complain now and make it quick.

Damien: Hello, losers.

And guess where I'm ringing from?

That's right, Rio de Janeiro.

Tomorrow, I head off
solo into the Amazon.

And in a few weeks, I shall return
with a mind-boggling exclusive,

which I will sell to a
rival news company,

as you won't be there anymore.

Ha-ha!

Oh, and for your information,

I am 100% and have not experienced
any dizzy spells since...

Oh, bugger...

Bleeps

women with French accent: Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello, Gus
hedges, globelink news.

Yes, that's right. I just wanted
to discuss with sir roysten

what his plans are for the company.

No. I'll hold.

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