Original subtitles

He sighs

tyres skid

you're late... again.

What's in these packages?

What did big dino say was in these packages?

Homemade jam.

That's right, lots of jam.

You're a stable lad, aren't you? Why do you say that?

Well, a, we're in newmarket, b, you're quite short.

And c, you smell of horse shit.

Yeah, well... you don't exactly smell of roses, do you?

Errand boy.

He chuckles

look, if homosexual men are regularly meeting in a pub

and dressing up as me, surely we can hit them with something?

Well, you're a lawyer.

I know. I've patented my appearance,

so that means they're in breach of copyright.

So, you get the police onto it and tell them to take the alsatians.

Pinochet says if we extradite him to Spain, he'll commit suicide.

Well, just so long as he puts that in writing.

What are you doing?

Well, er, as my relationship with sue

seems to be ushering me into a new and extraordinary phase in my life,

I thought I'd start keeping a diary.

Oh, that's nice.

See. Saturday. "Spent lovely day together at the zoo.

"Discovered I am allergic to giraffe spit.

"It seems incredible

"that I will soon be starting a new life in Australia

"with a wonderful woman who loves me,

"even though my genitalia are not visible the naked eye."

All right. Who's been tampering with my diary?

You shouldn't have done that, Damien.

Well, then, don't leave it lying around.

Oh, and incidentally, I read all that bollocks

about my dizzy spells being triggered by nervous tension.

Oh, yes, you crossed that bit out.

Clearly I had a mild virus of the middle ear,

which, through the application of focused brainpower,

I have now defeated totally.

Prove it.

Hey?

Prove it.

Balance on one leg.

All right.

See? No problem.

Timber!

Have you heard? It's just fantastic.

What is?

What's the best possible news you could imagine?

Jeremy Clarkson's been savaged by killer bees.

The shopping channel, who were supposed to be buying these premises

from sir roysten, have suddenly withdrawn their offer.

They're claiming they weren't told about the building

being situated on land polluted with cadmium.

So, now, sir roysten's no longer got a buyer.

And when a shrewd businessman has a property asset he can't realise,

well, you know what that means?

Yep, an insurance fire.

It means it makes no financial sense for him to shut us down.

He'd only lose money if he sold us at a knock-down price,

so he'll keep us open. We'll revitalise the company's fortunes.

We'll go into profit, big profit.

Soon will be taking over CNN, itn, bskyb, BBC.

I'll be voted radio 4 man of the year.

I'll get an executive washroom and gold-plated jacuzzi.

Yes, I can see it all now.

Poor sod's in denial. I'm going for a jog.

Look, in two weeks' time

I'm going to marry the 34th richest man in the world.

I am not prepared to have my good name sullied

by a bunch of cross-dressers with damaged chromosomes.

So, you come up with a strategy or I'll find a lawyer who can.

Honestly, since when has turning pressure hoses on people

constituted assault?

Why is she in such a bad mood?

She's found mr right, hasn't she?

No, she's found mr right git.

I think he might be Stalin's lost twin.

Laughter keep the noise down!

You've got to watch this, I'm very good in this bit.

They offer this bloke a snog with Emma noble

if he boiled and ate his pet tortoise.

You're going down very well in this show, Henry. What's it called again?

Wes Jasper's nightly emission.

Since my debut last Friday, the figures have shot up.

Wes is thrilled.

In fact, he's booked me to be his comedy sidekick

right through to the end of the series.

Isn't Wes Jasper supposed to be a bit of a nightmare?

I've heard he's rather arrogant and obnoxious.

Who told you that? You did, last month.

During one of your rants about the prepubescent attention seekers

who are taking over television.

Oh, Wes is different. His programme's got something.

Well, it's not content.

Oh, this is what I was expecting.

So predictable. I launch myself into a new career

as an icon of youth television and, obviously, I encounter

a pathetic chorus of small-minded envy.

Well, I'm gonna find my friend Dave.

I know he's pleased for me.

Oh. Are these the doodles you're going to be exhibiting

in Vivian's gallery next week?

Oh, yeah. That one's called men.

Oh, yes. Very good.

Nice machetes.

One critic said my work

was an attempt to shock the viewer out of the complacent phallocracies

that control our culture. What do you think?

I like this horse.

Be honest with me, George, would you pay two grand for one of these?

Well, I'm going to Australia with sue,

and I'd hate one of these to get damaged in transportation...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I thought so.

I don't know, I just... I just don't feel happy, you know,

making money by ripping off people who are gullible.

You have to, it doesn't work with shrewd people.

Just a waste of effort.

What a doing out here in stalag nicotine?

Nothing.

You've started smoking again. I thought you kicked that.

Yeah, well, we all have our little addictions, don't we.

You choose to drink, whereas I... No, no, there's a difference, see.

You smoke addictively, I drink recreationally.

Oh, please. It's true!

Listen, I've been known to stop drinking.

Only to vomit.

Why have you started smoking again? Is there a problem?

Erm... no.

How's the job with the bookie shaping up?

Yeah, er, very well. Thanks.

What exactly is the job?

I'm, er... facilitator.

Uh-huh. And what does that involve?

Liaison.

Joy said something about, er, delivering packages.

Is this a formal interrogation?

If so, I'd like to ring my brief. All I'm doing...

Will you just get off my case? Coughing

you should give that up.

I know. I know. I never used to smoke.

What made you start? Working with that bastard, Wes Jasper.

Oui. Je vous parle avec sir roysten pour la power chatting?

Yes, George.

Gus, I was just wondering... uh-uh!

I'm ringing sir roysten at his villa in Monaco.

I'm going to capitalise on our special relationship.

No. I'll hold.

I've always been the outsider here, haven't I, George?

No, no.

No. It's true.

I've never been considered good enough to join your gang.

Well, it's, erm...

Lonely at the top, I suppose.

It's desolate, George.

Sometimes it's so bleak and isolated,

you can actually hear the furniture... giggling at you.

Well, I'm gonna save this company, George, you mark my words.

Then you'll all have to let me play in your treehouse, won't you?

Well, um...

We don't have a treehouse.

That's what they always say.

No. I'll hold.

Wes on TV: Ok, now, Henry, my main man,

you be the judge!

Which of these yucky teenagers has got the grossest acne?

Well, none of them are that bad, Wes.

Come on, it's zit city over there, look at it.

TV off

David, what can I do for you?

Well, I just wanted to say that I really appreciate you

giving me this work to help clear off my gambling debts, um, with you.

But I was just wondering if you had anything that used my media skills,

rather than just delivering packages?

Because I'm not fantastically comfortable about packages.

But you don't know what's in the packages, do you, Dave?

Er, no, no. That's right.

But my guess is it's about five grand for the stable boy

and some drugs to nobble a favourite with.

Anyway, I want out.

Well, I want world peace, Dave.

I mean it. Of course you do.

Do you know why I chose you, Dave?

Because you're the perfect mixture. You're intelligent,

but you're also very weak.

Bright enough to understand how bent the world is,

but too scared to do anything about it.

Is that right? Oh, yes.

Yeah, well, maybe I'll go to the police.

He chuckles I don't think so.

Anyway... I've got another delivery for you.

Same drop as before.

You should just about make it.

Well, trot along.

Oh, and, David...

We won't be having any more spiritual crises, will we?

Wes: This week, Darren bethell is top of our zit parade.

Well done, Darren. Cheering

whoo-hoo, yes, indeed!

And next up, next up,

yes, it's breast fight.

Boop-doobie-doobie-doop-do-do.

Whoo! Yes!

It's demolition double d derby, coming up after the break.

George, some stuff on the NHS changes.

Oh, I hate all these changes.

My doctor was telling me about the latest set of new rules.

No patient to see his gp more than once a month,

or phone his gp at home,

or turn up at his holiday cottage in the lake district.

Henry, it's the running order. In a moment, dear boy,

just want to relive this particularly fine ad lib

I came up with.

Yes, is that the ad lib you spent all yesterday afternoon memorising?

Look at that gorgeous Amazon there. Her name's Melanie.

She's got legs that go on longer than the a1,

and I'm planning to pull into her scotch corner.

Yes, if you could just concentrate on your contractual obligation

to read the lunchtime bulletin, I would be very grateful.

My god, you're in a strop. I'm not in a strop.

I know what'll cheer you up. Got a hot tip.

Er... arab star in the 3:30 at kempton.

My man says it can't lose, I'm putting all of 500 quid on it.

Er, no. I wouldn't do that, if I were you.

Come on, my contact's sure it'll win.

Yes, I have a contact. He's very sure it won't.

I think you'd better explain.

I don't have to explain anything.

No. I'll hold.

So, Damien, why exactly do you want to go to the Amazon?

Because there's this tribe there.

The last one who genuinely shun any contact with the outside world.

And I want to go and film them, to prove I'm the best.

Cos I've only got two weeks to be snapped up by another broadcaster.

Otherwise, I'm looking at...

Annihilation.

Because if I can't do what I do,

then I've got nothing.

See, that buzz, that adrenaline.

For me, that's what defines being alive.

Without it...

..I'm a walking corpse.

That's terrible.

I think these bastards have cut me off.

Look, Gus, the bottom-line is that Damien's health is...

My health is fine.

He has this illness where every time...

I've beaten that, I proved that last night.

I did that whole interview with lord Irving

at his official residence. You had another turn.

A slight moment of dizziness.

You blacked out, fell and smashed his table in half.

They have just sent us a bill for �60,000.

Don't listen to her, Gus, she's irrational.

She's a woman, you know how emotional they are.

Look how upset she got when her dad dropped dead. Huh?

She's a hysteric.

Look, send me to the Amazon, please.

Gus, please. Shh-shh. Please. Listen.

We've clearly got a difficult situation here,

but I think I've thought it through.

The problem, as I see it,

is that, obviously, sir roysten's people are keeping me away from him.

Oh, for god's sake!

Think of all the ordinary gamblers

who will be cheated out of their money.

What does it matter?

They won on that race, they lose it on the next.

Listen to you, where's your self-respect, man?!

Oh, hello. I'm getting a lecture on self-respect

from a man who's in a show where he acted as referee

while women pummelled each other with their breasts.

That item was ironic.

Oh, please.

Knowing it's crap does not stop it being crap.

I know what this is all about.

Truth is, you're attacking me because,

deep down, you feel so ashamed.

No, truth is you were so desperate to feel young and needed

that you dropped your knickers

for the first boy who asked you to dance.

At least Wes isn't a criminal.

He is really. But they bought off the kids' parents.

Just stay out of this!

Look, just face facts, you old fool.

You are Wes Jasper's dancing monkey.

You'll taste fists in a second. I wouldn't bet on it.

I wouldn't bet on anything where you're involved!

Yes, well...

..If you've quite finished.

You're not the man I thought you were.

Ditto.

And as of this moment...

You're no longer my friend.

Oh, give me one of those bloody things.

Barclays bank say their chief executive is leaving

to pursue other interests.

That's one of the great euphemisms, isn't it?

Like, you know, spending more time with the family,

she's just a researcher.

Tony Blair's a slimy git.

That's not a euphemism.

It is to me.

What are these?

Oh, er, invitations to my exhibition next week.

Oh, so you're going ahead with it, then?

Yeah, well, Vivian persuaded me, didn't he.

A man... persuaded you?

I know, I'm hoping it's a one-off.

You know, I think the faces in joy's doodles look rather like me.

Yes. Though, in a funny way, somehow they look like all of us.

Er, by the way, Sally,

your solicitor rang about those men dressing up...

Oh, that's all sorted out now.

My darling, sir Gordon, bought the pub and shut it down.

And should those perverts be foolish enough

to try to hold their function elsewhere,

Gordon says he'll employ hired thugs.

Oh, it must be love.

I must say, if I have my way,

any homosexual who insisted upon coming out of the closet

would immediately be incarcerated on prison ships.

No offence, Helen.

Helen, can I just say

how much I abhorred Sally's crass and insensitive...

You're not going to the Amazon.

Oh, then I'll go off my own bat.

You'd never make it.

I am not some kind of cripple.

I belong out there.

Oh, it's impossible.

How can I expect three drab little mediocrities like you to understand?

I'm a star. I have to shine.

You do look pale, Damien.

Is the room beginning to sway?

Stop that, I know what you're doing, merryweather.

No, she's right.

You don't look very well.

You can't psych me out, I'm too strong mentally.

Stop swaying. And, George, stop backing away from me.

I'm not backing away from you.

Oh, bugger.

Can we please keep the noise down?

I'm trying to impersonate sir roysten's mother in there.

Pull yourselves together.

Just because we're all staring at total oblivion,

that's no reason to go to pieces.

Is it me or is there a bit of an atmosphere today?

No, no, no, just got back.

Just a spot of lunch with sir Geoffrey Robinson.

Gave me a few pointers on how to earn a million pound in one day.

Anyway, I've got to go. I'll catch you later, all right? Yeah.

Commentator: Well, I've seen favourites

perform disappointingly before,

but arab star, I've never seen anything like that.

Well, John, if we look at the action replay,

we can see very clearly

that arab star's problems began in the starting stalls, really,

when he fell asleep.

In fact, he's still there now.

You can just hear him snoring there.

The vet hasn't managed to bring him round yet.

Obviously a stewards' inquiry's been set in motion.

I understand a police investigation is underway

and that a stable lad is helping them with their enquiries.

I also understand... phone rings

mutes TV

hello.

Anything good on telly, dino?

How did you do it?

Well, let's just say I interfered with the package

and upped the dosage somewhat.

You're dead, charnley.

I'll find you, wherever you are.

Oh, are not hard to find, I'm at guscott road police station.

'You got that?' You're at the police station?

Yeah, it seemed to make sense to make the call from here

because this is where they've got the recording equipment.

They should be paying you a visit any minute.

Banging at the door

oh, that'll be them. Trot along.

Dave will be a while yet. He's gone in to make a full statement.

Wish he'd asked before he borrowed my month's supply of mogadon,

but you have to admire what he's done, though, haven't you?

Have you? Yes.

There he was, involved in something he knew was wrong and degrading,

but he found the strength to stand up and do the right thing.

Didn't he?

The sooner you piss off to Australia, the better...

You sanctimonious little shit!

Definitely an atmosphere.

No. I'll hold.

What was it you wanted?

Just a brief word about invitations to my wedding for globelink staff.

Oh, right. There won't be any.

Sorry?

Sir Gordon has decided

the wedding will be an entirely private affair with no guests.

I'm being given away by his accountant

and his lawyer will be best man.

No guests?

It's not for us to question my future husband's ruling.

Not for anyone.

Please distribute a memo to staff explaining the situation.

Gus, our weather forecaster's just resigned.

She's gone to the BBC

and she's taken the pine cones and the seaweed.

And, Sally, there's someone here to see you.

She gasps oh, my god!

Impressive, aren't they? They're all very lifelike.

Apart from that one.

Call security. We're not stopping.

We just wanted to say, we know it was you who shut our pub down

and we are very hurt.

We weren't doing any harm, we just...

We just enjoyed being you. But not any more.

No, from now on we're going to be Carol smillie.

We loved you, Sally.

Perhaps we review only ones who did. We thought you had style.

But we don't want to be Sally smedley any more.

Well, you hoo-bloody-ray.

So, you don't want to be Sally smedley, that's just fine.

Who in their right minds would want to be Sally smedley?

I don't want to be Sally smedley.

She is miserable and friendless, and she's getting a turkey neck.

I want to be Carol smillie!

Now, that was style.

What an exit. Pure Joan Crawford.

Mm. Put the kit back on, girls, she's the one for us.

Phone rings

answerphone: You're through to globelink.

Complain now and make it quick.

Damien: Hello, losers.

And guess where I'm ringing from?

That's right, Rio de Janeiro.

Tomorrow, I head off solo into the Amazon.

And in a few weeks, I shall return with a mind-boggling exclusive,

which I will sell to a rival news company,

as you won't be there anymore.

Ha-ha!

Oh, and for your information,

I am 100% and have not experienced any dizzy spells since...

Oh, bugger...

Bleeps

women with French accent: Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello, Gus hedges, globelink news.

Yes, that's right. I just wanted to discuss with sir roysten

what his plans are for the company.

No. I'll hold.

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