Original subtitles

Theme music plays

office chatter, phones ringing

god, I'm depressed.

How depressed?

Quite depressed, suicidally depressed

or virgin rail passenger?

Virgin rail passenger who supports man city

and is married to Ann widdecombe.

Bloody hell.

In three weeks' time, ss globelink will disappear beneath the waves...

And me with it. Look at this lot!

More rejections from the farting BBC!

I wouldn't bother with the beeb, if I were you.

I went for an interview there last Friday.

I found them very backward-looking.

For example, they got ludicrously bogged down

on that expose I did on genetic engineering.

Do you remember? The one I got that award for.

The award that you were made to hand back?

Yeah.

When they found you'd super-glued

a dead man's ear onto the arse of a hamster?

Yeah, I mean, those BBC drones were just obsessed with that.

Kept banging on about the story being "totally untrue",

as they put it.

Yeah, but I mean, obviously, it was a valid reconstruction.

It was an illustration of the nightmarish results

of genetic engineering. Oh, look, here comes another one.

Good morning, everyone.

Found a job yet?

I'll get a job!

But no-one would employ you, a woman whose brain is 100% loft space.

Well, I don't need a job.

I'm betrothed to the 34th richest man in the world.

Then why don't you just bugger off and leave us all alone?!

What, and miss your descent into humiliation and abject poverty?

I'd never forgive myself.

Well, at least we know all that money won't change her (!)

Good morning, George. How are you? Ah, well...

..You know.

Have you rung sue yet? Oh, no, don't start going on about

my ringing this woman. She likes you!

She does now, but she'll go off me.

And I'll end up getting hurt again, as always,

and that'll just make all these symptoms even worse.

Here we go.

It's the tinnitus that's the main problem.

These noises in my ears.

All tinnitus sufferers hear different noises, apparently.

Mine's a sort of whooshy rumble.

Whooshy rumble? Yes.

A bit like the noise of that runaway lorry

as it trundled towards my house that time.

Only without the very loud bit at the end.

Actually, I do get a noise in my ear,

but it's more of a boom, boom...

I get that sometimes - boom.

That's pulsatile tinnitus. Yeah, I get one as well, actually,

but mine's more of a kind of high-pitched... oooooh.

Henry: Well, for years at night,

I've been plagued by this train-like sort of...

Yah-ta-ta-tah! Yah-ta-ta-tah!

See, it's terribly common.

Yeah, well, we've all got it. We've got...

Boom! Ooh! Yah-ta-ta-tah!

They continue ? will you miss me tonight? ?

Oh, very funny (!)

Oh, lighten up, George. God knows we need a laugh in this morgue.

You know your problem, George, you're a mental weakling,

so you just panic yourself into a permanent whingeing hypochondria.

I'm not going to argue with you, Damien.

It'll set off me nervous colon.

Great news, team.

Globelink is saved!

Oh, that's fantastic, Gus. Is someone stepping in to buy it?

Yes, we are. We're gonna offer sir roysten a management buy-out.

All we need is �2.7 million.

Oh, good, well, I'll organise a whip round, shall I?

Who's got an envelope?

Don't be so naive, David, the bank will give us the money.

I mean, not our old bank. Obviously not the one that's suing us.

No, another bank will fund our buy-out.

I don't know why I didn't think of this before.

Poor, sad, old bugger. He's gone totally dagenham east.

Dagenham east? Four stops on from barking.

This tinnitus thing has changed now.

I can hear a faint sort of high-pitched squeaky noise.

Oh, that's Helen. She's in your office.

I think she's crying.

Oh, right.

Well, it's understandable, I suppose.

What with her father dying and...

Perhaps someone should go in there and, you know, comfort her.

Dave?

Yeah, but she... she's a woman who's crying.

I hate those!

All murmur in agreement

well, she probably wants to be left alone.

Absolutely! I'm sure you're right, yeah.

And we're a hot, thrustful, synergetic company

and I'm sure this loan will be very good for your bank.

Door opens

hm?

2.7 million.

Chuckles

chuckling intensifies

well, why are we laughing exactly?

Hello?

Honestly, the quality of bank switchboards these days!

Fourth time that's happened.

Now, then, Sally, I'm ready to access your input.

Well, Gus, as you are aware, in three weeks' time

I am marrying sir Gordon Miller, the 34th richest man in the world.

Yes, and everyone here's very happy for you. No, they're not.

They despise me as I despise them.

But after a decade of their scorn, it is Sally smedley

who will be living a life of luxury

while they're riddled with fleas and begging at soup kitchens.

But I digress.

I came to inform you that this afternoon,

sir Gordon will be collecting me and taking me to try on

the wedding dress he's chosen.

I shall therefore be unavailable for any afternoon bulletins, or...

Gus?

Did you say the 34th richest man in the world?

Snap!

My bloody rejection letter from the BBC.

Hm. I see they mentioned Frankenstein's hamster.

Oh, yeah, yeah, and over the page, you see,

there's loads of quibbling about that report I did

on the rioting in Jakarta. What, the one you filmed in brentford?

It was a legitimate accurately-staged reconstruction

of the riots from eyewitness accounts, and very successful, too.

Until that poxy ice cream van turned up.

Are you... ok?

Course I'm ok.

Just, er, resting my hand on my forehead.

Certainly nothing wrong with me, if that's what you're implying.

Have you seen this? Someone's stealing your act.

A fellow artist has assaulted a critic at his exhibition,

just like you did. Did he break the critic's nose?

Ah... no.

Tch. Amateur.

You head-butt really hard, don't you? How do you do that?

I'll show you.

Nah. I meant I'll show you the technique.

Oh, right, ok.

Sniffles

it's all right, I'm ok now.

Oh, I'm sorry, Helen.

If I'd known you were crying, I would have come in to comfort you.

There's nothing anyone can say. He's dead. Just have to accept it.

Life goes on.

Yes... yes, it does, doesn't it?

There was a message on our voicemail for you.

Um, Henry's niece, she's invited you out to dinner tonight.

Oh, right.

Did she sound as if she meant it?

What? Did she sound as if she meant it,

or did she sound as if she were just asking me out of pity?

She scoffs

look, you are very nice man, and sue is clearly attracted to you.

Well, there's obviously something wrong with her, isn't there?

Eh? Well, what normal woman would go for me?

I'm 47 years old, I wear cardigans - which people clearly find amusing -

and when I go out, which I do so very rarely,

I still put loo paper round the toilet seat.

The kind of man I am, a real catch (!)

Right, that does it. Pick up the phone!

What? Pick up the sodding phone and ring her!

But... no, no, don't push me! I am a woman in an emotional state!

I'm gonna blub.

Ok, ok, ok, ok!

You see, Sally, all I'm saying... I'm sorry, Gus,

I really can't see why sir Gordon would be interested.

But �2.7 million would be small change to him.

You could save the jobs of all your colleagues,

and some of them have nothing else.

Some of them are staring into an abyss...

..Like poor George.

Well, I'm sorry,

but I can't be held responsible for other peoples abysses.

I'm embarking on a new life of marital bliss with sir Gordon.

And I can't tell you how pleasing it is

to see someone find happiness and escape their troubled past...

"Troubled past"?

Yes, I have an example of your troubled past here, it's a...

..It's an audio tape I confiscated from Dave and Henry

some months back. It's a recording of you doing...

Ah, intimate things with a stranger.

Give me that!

That tape is a violation of my rights!

Well, there's certainly violation involved.

But why should you worry about this?

I'm sure sir Gordon wouldn't be narrow-minded about it.

After all, this is 1998.

Surely a woman is free to entertain a fairground worker

in her dressing room if she wants to.

Why would he call off the wedding over something like that?

Hm?

See? That's all there is to it.

A question of balance and timing.

Oh, and channelling a lifetime's worth of hatred

into one sudden movement.

Right.

So, er... you planning to exhibit any more of your masterpieces

in Vivian's gallery?

Oh, I dunno. He wants me to, but you know, it's just so phony.

I mean, I only get seven grand for doing a few stupid doodles,

it's just embarrassing.

Yeah, must be hard to handle that much embarrassment (!)

What are you gonna do with it? Dunno.

Well, you could always invest it in Gus's management buy-out.

Yeah, that'd be almost as pointless as lending it to you, David.

Oh, I don't need it.

For your formation, I've got a nice little earner lined up.

In fact, I'm ready doing a bit some evenings.

It's with a bookie I've got a tab with. Big deano.

Big deano? Mm-hm.

And what exactly are you doing for big deano?

You know, a bit of general...

PR work, client liaison, media consultancy.

Running errands.

There are errand responsibilities within my remit, yes.

But in a few months, the money he's paying me

will have pushed me into the black.

So, Dave charnley in credit. When did that last happened?

Smacks lips erm...

What year was Woodstock?

Well, she said she was looking forward to dinner, but...

I thought I detected a little doubt in her voice.

The way she just paused before the word "delighted".

You're going, that's final, so shut up or I'll go to pieces again.

Now, has anything else come in?

Well, I could do with some help on this summary I'm doing

on 12 years of the bse crisis.

I mean, I know I've got the facts right but whichever way I write it

it just seems to come out totally implausible.

What's happened?

Henry: It's Damien. He's just... He's just fainted in mid-sentence.

Yes, I get that.

All right, give him some air, he's coming around. Get off me.

Stop fussing, will you? My head always clears in a minute.

So you've had one of these turns before?

Sort of. Well, have you been to see the doctors?

Yeah, waste of time that was.

Well, what did the doctor say you've got?

That it's some kind of stress-related condition

that affects the middle ear.

Yes, I've had that.

Anyway, he's talking bollocks. It's nothing.

It's probably a virus.

You should never try to fight a virus.

You should just rest up and give in to it.

No, George, I will not give in to it,

because that would be weak, and I don't do weak!

Ah, you mustn't get stressed.

Stress inhibits your immune system, and that makes you worse.

Of course, it's tricky cos feeling ill makes you stressed.

You get into that vicious spiral of stressed, ill.

More stress, more ill. Extremely ill, extremely stressed.

Totally stressed, comatose.

Next thing you know, you're in a brain scanner

surrounded by scientists from all over the world.

No. No, no, George.

You see, that's you, that isn't me.

I'm Damien day.

I don't have panic buttons.

I don't get ill because I am mentally strong,

and so I don't succumb to...

Ah, he got stressed again, you see.

Old mother nature just tripped his fuse.

All right, he's coming round.

Great news, team! Sally's agreed to help save us.

Out of the goodness of her heart.

Oh, brilliant, now I'm bloody hallucinating.

Ok, paper recycling, have you got anything?

Well, Henry's got all his rejection letters,

although I think you'll need three more bags.

See, I'm so depressed, I can't be bothered to slap the bitch down.

Boris yeltsin's got pneumonia again.

And? Yeah, you're right.

He yawns

sorry, late night. I was doing a job for big deano.

What sort of a job?

Oh, just handing over a brown paper package to some bloke.

In a field.

In Norfolk.

At midnight.

It's all perfectly above board.

Sally, I-i just wanted to say thanks

for setting up this meeting with your fiance.

Gus says you're going to use your influence to help save the company.

My influence? With sir Gordon.

Well, hopefully he'll listen to you.

Well, of course he'll listen to me. He loves me.

Just look at the ring.

This diamond was actually given

to the French president by emperor Picasso,

in return for keeping quiet about the emperor's cannibalism.

How romantic.

So, George, how was your dinner with my lovely niece?

Um...

Oh. Fine.

Very nice. Yes. Thanks.

So, are you gonna see sue again?

Possibly no, yes.

Uh, maybe. Excuse me!

I do hope George isn't just using my young niece

for an opportunistic shag.

Joy scoffs in disgust

George? Well, you know what men are like.

Oh, talk about double standards.

What about the time you shagged that niece of George's?

Oh, that was different. That was for a bet.

Well, what the hell are you doing in?

You should be resting up!

How can I rest?

I've got three weeks to put myself in the shop window

and sell myself to another broadcaster.

I'm being left behind!

You know, it's six weeks since anyone recognised me in sainsbury's.

And that's wearing the safari jacket.

Now, you shouldn't open the door to mr stress.

Yelling: Oh, shut your face, George!

Look, I can still do my work.

As long as I don't stand up, the dizziness isn't a problem.

Oh! Hello, George.

Hello, sue. What are you doing here?

Well, I was a bit worried about you last night.

You know, the way, when I invited you back for coffee,

you suddenly jumped on that bus. Yes...

I nearly didn't catch it.

I'm not surprised - it was going 30 miles an hour.

Have I offended you in some way?

Oh, good lord, no, no, no, no. I had a lovely time.

It's just... well, then, perhaps we could repeat it tonight?

Well... he'd love to.

But, erm... he clears throat

he'd really love to. Wouldn't you, George?

I see. You accept dates on his behalf, do you?

It's best that way. Trust me.

George, walk sue to the lift.

And how is my favourite niece?

Fine, uncle. Oh, good.

And I hear you're stepping out again with my good pal, George.

I'm chuffed to bits. He's a first-rate chap. Ha-ha!

Whispering: Watch his hands.

Ok, everyone down on their knees.

Gus is on his way up with Sally's sugar daddy.

Ok, everyone. This is our last chance.

Otherwise, three weeks from now, we'll be selling the big issue.

And remember, we need her on our side, so everyone be nice to Sally.

I'll just repeat that unfamiliar phrase -

be nice to Sally.

Ok, everyone, good luck.

Here, sir Gordon, is where our a-team operates.

Headed, of course, by your lovely wife-to-be.

All greet Sally warmly we missed you!

And this is our number two newscaster - Henry Davenport.

Lovely to meet you, sir. I've heard a lot about you, Henry.

Uh-oh.

Sally says you're very good for her morale,

because you're always praising her for her professionalism and talent.

Y-y-yes, it's true.

Here we have another part of Sally's support squad -

Damien day!

Weakly: Hi.

Stand up for sir Gordon. I-i... stand up!

Gus chuckles nervously

pleased to meet you.

Thud

right, well, let's go through to my office, shall we?

Poor Helen.

I haven't seen her looking that nervous

since that time she had to tell Blair

he'd done 20 minutes on the importance of family life

with his flies undone.

Joy: Yeah, he's coming around now. She slaps him

and it's here in Angola that the rebels...

No, no, Damien, you're in the office.

You just blacked out again. No, I didn't. Yes, you did!

No, I didn't, I tripped on some dodgy flooring, but it's ok,

I won't sue you this time. He clears throat

so, where's sir Gordon? He's in there.

They're all smiling at him, so presumably he's smiling back.

So, we're very optimistic.

And although the financial performance has been disappointing

in the short-term, we feel that we possess a resource of...

..Talent and experience.

Gus: And, of course, the biggest reason we'd be an investment

is that most invisible of assets - morale.

He chuckles

I'm sure your fiance will back me up.

It's a fun place, isn't it, Sally?

In many ways, it's just like working in a fairground, hm?

Well...

Robotically: That's right, Gordon.

Erm, I feel that globelink news

would be yet another shrewd acquisition for your global empire.

Well... I suppose I could acquire this company...

..If I wasn't quite so angry.

This woman's my future wife.

She is not to be soiled with business matters!

How dare you compromise her like this?! I have no wish to...

And as for you, my dear, by broaching this subject,

you are in breach of clause 12b of our prenuptial contract.

Now, I am not a heartless man, so I shall forgive this aberration.

This time.

No, sir Gordon, excuse me! Sir Gordon! You haven't heard our...

Don't waste your breath on my time!

I wouldn't give you tuppence for this abattoir!

And neither will anyone else.

Well, he obviously wants time to think about it.

Chuckles nervously sir Gordon! Sir Gordon!

Well, that's it. The man has finally gone stark-raving upminster.

So, Sally...

What else is in this contract?

Ritual circumcision and being buried alive in his tomb?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I'm making do!

I'm 42 years old.

But he'll make you miserable.

I'm used to miserable.

At least this way I shall be miserable in extreme luxury.

But he's so brutal!

Well, I think brutality is just his way of hiding his shyness.

But you don't even like him!

Well, that's where you're wrong. I do!

Why? Because he reminds me of my granny!

This is incredible.

I've never experienced a one-night-stand before.

What do you mean, a one-night-stand?

Well, you're not gonna want to do this again

now that you've slept with me, are you?

George!

No, I'm not upset, I'm very grateful.

George! Stop this!

I'm sorry.

I think Margaret rather dented my confidence in the sexual department.

Often, when we made love, she used to shout out other men's names.

Even their addresses, sometimes.

Funny woman.

She didn't deserve you. No, that's what she used to say.

Gosh, it's 9:40, I'd better be getting to work! George.

You know I'm going out to Australia in three weeks' time?

To start a new life, yes.

Well...

..Would you like to come with me?

What?

To be your... boyfriend?

In Australia?

Well, there's nothing to keep you here.

Well, I don't know, I mean...

God. Phone rings

hello?

It's for you.

Oh, hi, Helen.

Well, actually, I'm a bit stunned.

Sue's just invited me to Australia with her to start a new life.

Helen says, "yes, I'll go."

Once again, a government minister has revealed

the paranoid control freak tendency

that lies at the heart of this government.

Earlier today, I attempted to quiz the paymaster general,

sir Geoffrey Robinson,

about the allegations of financial sleaze that surround him.

I asked legitimate questions

about offshore trusts and inaccurate accounts,

but he refused to answer any of my questions point blank.

Indeed, the only statement he seemed prepared to make was,

"for god sake, man, I'm on the bloody toilet!

"How the hell did you get in here?

"Oh, Jesus, I know you. You're that madman from globelink news.

"Help, help. Somebody help."

This is Damien day, from westminster.

And cut, Gerry. Ok, that's the one.

Just help me get out of this, will you? Gerry?

Gerry, come on, don't take the piss. Come and untie me.

Oh, look, for god's sake, Jerry. I know what game you're playing at!

You're just deliberately trying to get me stressed, to see whether I...

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