Original subtitles

Good morning, topical trawlermen.

David has an agreed statement he would like to read.

I am very, very sorry for all the things

I said last week about sir roysten.

Sir roysten is not a fat, poisonous megalomaniac.

He is very nice.

David will be re-joining us at half his previous salary

in his new capacity of junior dogsbody.

Ooh, promotion.

Oh, looks like this punch-up in the Gulf has been postponed

until this place closes down.

If you wanna cover that war, Damien, you'll have to start it yourself.

Ah, that'd never work again.

What?

Nothing.

You shouldn't be here.

You should be on your way to your father's funeral, shouldn't you?

Well, I had to pick up my dark suit from sketchley's,

and I thought if I came in and did a bit of work,

it'd help me to forget.

All those regrets.

You know, I never told him how I...

..How I... was a lesbian?

No! How I felt about him.

Ooh. You look quite passable in black, Helen.

You should go to funerals more often.

I'll show you to the lift. So, Sally. Busy week?

What do you mean?

Well, we were just leafing through the society pages,

and came across these pictures from the Belgravia ball.

"Newsreader Sally smedley chats with millionaire Spencer hall, 72,

"who is coping bravely with the death of his wife."

"Sally smedley drinks champagne with shipping magnate Aaron horovitz, 87,

"while his nurse looks on."

"Sally smedley dances with billionaire Arnold butterfield, 94,

"who makes light of his triple heart bypass surgery."

Given that you're still here,

can we presume that you didn't actually bag a wrinkly?

Well, that's a rather coarse enquiry, David.

But if you must know, I'm having dinner tonight

with sir Gordon Miller, 68 years old, �246 million.

4'11". He doesn't go down on women, he goes up on them.

In four weeks' time, when this place closes down

and you're all turfed out onto the streets

and I am on a yacht in the Caribbean,

I wonder if you will find life quite so amusing then.

Is that strategic air command?

Yes, my name is Damien day, globelink news.

You probably remember me.

Yes, I was the only journalist to report from the cockpit of a tornado

as it bombed an Iraqi bridge.

Well, yes, I know it was only supposed to be

a reconnaissance mission.

But, well, look, I just leant on that button by mistake.

I mean, it was in a bad place.

David. Would you be interested in a financial arrangement?

Go on.

Well, you see, sir Gordon has this keen interest in history.

Particularly great autocratic men who were a bit on the short side.

So, I would like to commission you to do some research for me

on Napoleon, Alexander the great, Attila the hun,

Michael flatley, genghis Khan, vlad the impaler.

They're all here. I'll pay you a pound a despot.

Look, sal. I'm in really bad debt at the moment...

That's why I know you'll do it for a pound a despot.

Excuse me. Is Henry here?

He's just popped through to make-up to have his ears plugged.

Right. I'm sue. His niece.

Oh, really?

We had another niece of his visit us the other week.

Ruby.

She did some sort of cabaret act with a vacuum cleaner and a python.

Yes, but I really am his niece.

Oh, I see. So, Ruby was...

I'm sorry. I can be a bit innocent at times.

Like that time when I went home early

and discovered my wife with her yoga instructor, you know...

I just accepted her explanation

that they were practising the two great danes.

Oh, there you are, my dear. All the details are in here.

Picture of the actual plane.

I'm taking sue up later to try and conquer her fear of flying.

Oh! That's very brave of you.

Do you know, I once took over the controls of a two-seater

when the pilot had a heart attack.

Obviously, if I'd known she'd had a weak heart,

I wouldn't have been having sex with her in the cockpit.

So, why are you so keen to fly?

I'm emigrating to Australia.

I've had a bit of bad luck in my personal life.

You're talking bad luck, George here is the expert.

The only man ever to have been savaged by a pine marten

in marks and Spencer.

It's a long story.

Well, good luck's overrated, George.

My husband was very lucky. Couldn't stop making money.

Everything he touched turned to gold. Except me.

I turned to Prozac.

Anyway, nice to meet you.

My name is George. George dent.

Nice to meet you, George dent.

Gus!

Reception say there's something on the way up for you.

It's a cardboard cut-out of sir roysten and a bucket of vomit.

Ah, yes. That'll be that work of so-called art.

Do you know, they were actually going to exhibit it in public.

Well, I had to stop them somehow.

So, I bought it off them for �15,000. Yes.

They will be laughing on the other side of their faces now.

Number 22 in the catalogue.

Repulsive fat vomit merchant. Where do you want it?

Just put it down there. I'm going to destroy it.

There. What do you think of that? How very post-modern of you.

Is it the artist's own vomit? Oh, yeah.

Dorian's a perfectionist.

I'll just do you a receipt.

Yeah. Thanks for this, mate.

It's really helped with the publicity of the show.

Dorian's stuff all pre-sold now.

He's going to buy himself a second abattoir in the country.

Oh, these doodles.

The violence in them, they're terrifying.

God, they're everywhere.

Yeah. Joy does them all the time. Look.

Here's a note to me, where she's drawn

a man stabbed to death with his own penis.

Incredible. The intensity in that.

What would you say if I said I'd like to exhibit these in my gallery?

I'd laugh. Seriously.

Dorian sun's success has left me with some empty wall space, and...

Well, these have got something unique.

I mean, I wouldn't price any of them at less than a thousand.

And you'd get 50%. Hey, look, I've done some doodles too.

There's an aeroplane. Well, come on, what do you say?

Quite an intense aeroplane.

75% and you're on.

Do you think I could possibly have that receipt, please?

Thank you. Oh, and David?

There's a bucket of vomit that needs emptying.

Look, when the balloon goes up,

if you let me report from the front line

alongside the heroic troops who are taking on tyranny,

well, it'll be a great scoop for me,

and fantastic PR for all of you in the army.

Ok, fair enough. Yeah. All right, you get back to me

after you've discussed it with your colleagues in Baghdad.

So, I've done that research for your date.

Hmm.

Adolf Hitler. 1889 to 1945, Nazi leader.

Started world war ii.

Responsible for deaths of approximately 25 million people.

Did you have to dwell quite so much on the negative side?

Sorry, sue. Henry is still at lunch.

Since it was announced we're being closed down,

his lunches have got longer and longer.

He's supposed to be taking me up on that plane later on today.

And I've really geared myself up to doing it.

I know what you mean.

I remember trying to get over my fear of snakes

by going into the reptile house in London zoo.

Did it work? I think it might have.

If it hadn't been the day the anaconda escaped.

The keeper said I was never really in any danger.

And even if it had managed to swallow the rest of me,

they'd still have had 20 minutes to cut me out

of its stomach before I started dissolving.

Right.

Oh...

Uncle Henry's bloody forgotten me, hasn't he?

Oh, well. Best give up, I suppose.

Oh, no. You mustn't do that. No, I couldn't manage it on my own.

Well, what if I were to accompany you?

Would you? Yes.

Well, that's really kind of you, George.

But, well, is it ok for you to leave the office?

Ugh... well, they're just going to have to do without me.

Ok, I'm off out for a couple of hours, everybody,

so page me if there's a problem and I'll call in on my mobile.

Does George have a pager? No, and he doesn't have a mobile.

Very grand, wasn't it?

You know, I think I might quite like funerals.

If it wasn't for the fact that someone's always died.

Now, your father, he never liked them.

Mum, are there things that you wished you'd said to him?

We lived together 38 years.

So, I pretty much got everything in, most of it several times.

I didn't.

Look, this is going to come as a bit of a shock,

but I want to be honest with you. Yes?

You see... yes?

On the sexual front... yes?

Oh... look, hang onto your seatbelt.

I'm gay. Of course you are.

What? We guessed years ago.

What?

We were always sorry when you split up with Charlotte.

You know, the one you said was your kitchen-fitter.

Such a... such a lovely girl.

So, dad didn't mind? He got used to it.

And his little girl couldn't do any wrong.

Didn't you notice how he became a Martina navratilova fan?

It must have been a bit of a shock. Not really.

Now, rock Hudson, that was a shock.

But if you knew, why didn't you just say?

Well, we thought you'd tell us in your own time.

Do you know what you have put me through?

Do you?

I have agonised about telling you for years.

Kept awake night after night, and you, you bloody knew.

I don't think I'll ever forgive you.

How could you be so secretive?

Is there anything wrong, madam?

No, it's ok, it's just my daughter coming out of the closet.

Why won't you come to the opening?

Because it's embarrassing.

It's all crap and it's phoney, and they're just doodles.

Oh, hi, George. You and sue get to the airfield ok yesterday?

Uh-huh.

And you went up in the plane with her?

Yes.

And at what point did you mention your severe phobia of flying?

And violent motion sickness?

Well, I didn't mention them.

Not strictly speaking. And were you ok?

Not strictly speaking.

I filled up four of those containers, sue's handbag,

and the hood of the pilot's anorak.

And then we took off.

Right.

Should have given that bloke at the art gallery a ring.

And then, coming back down, I was sick over all the gauges.

So, we had to land without instruments, overshot,

and ended up in a farmyard.

And did this cure sue's fear of flying? I don't know.

I fainted when we knocked down the cow.

George, George! George, George, George...

I need your advice.

I've just received this circular from reader's digest.

Yes? Have a look.

"Dear sir or madman..."

What are they trying to say?

Er... I think it's a typing error for "dear sir or madam".

Yes, that's what I thought, obviously.

Hey, Sally. How did the dinner go?

You forgot to mention how kind Hitler was to dogs.

Now, I want some research on these names

because I'm seeing sir Gordon again tonight.

So, it went well, then? Oh, yes.

He paid me a lot of attention,

and he had three waiters fired for being too slow.

Listen, sal, are you sure this bloke is such a good idea?

Yes, David, he's a very good idea.

I don't need any advice from some pathetic inadequate

whose idea of a good night out is betting �500

on a three-legged greyhound and screwing someone's wife.

That material by four o'clock, please.

If you could just get this egyptologist stuff by two o'clock,

we... oh, excuse me, I've just remembered something.

Er, George. Where are you going?

Oh, hello, sue. He chuckles

look, I'm sorry.

I should have realised that me being terrified of flying,

I wasn't the ideal person to get you over your terror of flying.

No, but you did, George.

Having to look after you really helped.

You see, as I sat on your chest,

trying to stop you jumping out of the plane,

I suddenly realised that we'd been in the air for ten minutes

and I wasn't feeling scared.

Yes, that's what I hoped would happen.

They chuckle

oh, dear girl, I'm mortified about yesterday.

I've no excuses.

I ended up at Groucho's, and, well, I had a couple of drinks,

and I met this woman, and... it's all right.

The flight went fine. George took charge.

He was magnificent.

Oi, Rembrandt. I'll give you 50p for this.

Yep, piss off.

Very reminiscent of Leonardo's exploding eyeball period.

Yeah, give me that. What's your problem?

I heard you telling Vivian you don't believe in any of this.

I don't, ok?

Ooh, you don't wanna do that.

I mean, soon anything you touch could be worth thousands.

Then your bollocks are going to be worth a fortune.

What's all this?

"Genghis Khan, 13th century mongol warlord and cross-dresser.

"Celebrated for leading his victorious hordes into Peking

"wearing an off-the-shoulder orange chiffon ball gown."

Are you sure this is right, Dave? Yes, George, it's perfect.

So, George, what I don't understand is why you decided to come with me,

given your phobia?

Perhaps because I couldn't bear to see you so disappointed.

That's really sweet.

I don't know whether you'd like to meet up sometime.

Hmm, ah, well... he chuckles

dinner, maybe? Hmm, uh, ooh...

I'm free tomorrow night. Hmm...

Oh, well...

Bye, then, George.

What is the matter with you, George? Why didn't you just say yes?

Oh, she didn't want to go out to dinner with me.

Well, then, why did she just ask you?

Anyway, it'll all go wrong.

The only women I ever take a shine to turn out to be lesbians

or gold-digging Polish bigamists.

No normal woman could like me.

Oh, come on, only last week I heard a woman in the office saying

that she fancies you.

Thanks for lying, Dave, but it won't work.

Wasn't really a woman, was there? Yeah.

Who? That lesbian Bulgarian bigamist in accounts.

Well, this is nice.

Nobody's ever closed a restaurant for me before.

I'll have the devilled kidneys and the steak.

And so will she.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes, Henry kissinger.

What an amazing man.

Managed to keep the war in Cambodia a secret

from the press and the government.

And fancy doing all that and still having time for a number one hit

guesting with Martha and the vandellas.

My dear, your research has failed you,

rather spectacularly.

I just wanted to share your enthusiasms.

I don't want a woman to share my enthusiasms.

I want a woman to listen to my enthusiasms.

I've been watching you, Sally.

And it became apparent from very early on

that your sole interest was in my social position and my money.

And I like that in a woman. Gives a relationship clarity.

I like clarity. That's why I'm going to marry you.

It's so awesome.

It says so much about man's relationship to the natural world.

Yeah. Man abusing...

Well, literally, perverting the natural order.

But, still, somehow demeaned by his own actions.

And dwarfed by that stolid, immovable weight of nature.

Of course, it's not really something

you'd buy and take home, though, is it?

Well, if you're looking for something collectible,

you really have to see joy merryweather's stuff. Hmm?

Makes Francis bacon look like a big girl's blouse.

I'm surprised they let us back in after last night.

Yeah, well, if you will tell the whole pub I'm a lesbian...

Look on the bright side.

That blonde barmaid keeps giving you the eye.

It's been bloody hard for me, you know.

It took me ages to realise what I was.

I expect it's in the genes.

You know, I'm really glad that you and dad understand.

I wish I could have told him, because...

What do you mean, "in the genes"?

You know, inherited. I went through a bit of a phase.

You're not saying... you remember auntie aggie?

Yes.

Well, let's just say, she wasn't a blood relation.

I never imagined. Nobody did.

In Yorkshire, they thought homosexuality started

south of watford.

Oh, mum, if only I'd known.

She sobs

what is it, mum?

I didn't tell your dad either.

I can't believe he went and died on me.

I miss him.

She sobs oh, mum.

It's ok. We're fine.

It's just my mum coming out of the closet.

Well, well, well, you know, I must say, I'm looking forward to this.

It's not often I have company for dinner.

He chuckles

oh, bon appetit.

Mmm.

It's gorgeous. I'll never take it off.

I've booked the church for three weeks from today.

Followed by a honeymoon in the Seychelles.

Oh, Gordon.

You've made me the happiest woman in the world.

Naturally, there is the little matter of the prenuptial contract.

Snap well, naturally...

The financial arrangements are dealt with on pages one to 31 inclusive.

Appendices a to m.

Um... it says here that the marriage can be annulled

if I ever express any views on politics.

That goes over the page.

Politics, money, business affairs, sex, women's problems,

or princess Diana. Gordon, what does that leave?

Dignified silence.

You will also note the clause forbidding you

to leave the house after dark,

or from wearing clothes which I've not approved,

or from being alone with any male over 15 years of age

without my express permission.

Any hesitation on your part or move to consult with solicitors

will render my offer of marriage null and void.

Sign where I've made the crosses, please.

Who's she?

I like to preserve these romantic moments.

Rodin's the kiss, sculpted in bull semen.

What does that say to you, then, George?

It says the pursuit of love is meaningless and doomed.

And even if a woman pretends to like you, and asks you out to dinner,

you should never say yes, because you'll only end up being humiliated.

That's quite a specific reading, isn't it, George?

And over here, we have joy merryweather.

Ah, I love them. They are terrifying.

I mean, what was going through your mind when you came up

with this one of the man's face being eaten by his own mouth?

Someone had asked me to make a cup of tea.

Oh, brilliant.

Excuse me, would you be kind enough to explain something to me?

Uh-huh.

How do you get away with this load of old bollocks?

He chuckles oh, here we go.

It's the old "why can't a horse look like a horse?" Brigade.

And why can't it?

Oh, really? Oh...

Bugger off and go pickle a sheep!

There goes the art critic for the daily star.

He's right, though, isn't he?

It's all a big con trick, especially mine.

My dear, with respect, I don't think you understand your own talent.

Perhaps you're too naive, too unsophisticated.

Too simple.

Oops. Oh, you wild little thing.

My dear, I'm a critic.

I've had more wine poured over my head then you've had hot dinners.

I bet you haven't had a lot of head-butts, though.

I'm sorry?

Uh-oh. I think joy is losing it.

Oh, I don't know, I think we should be ok.

Whack, thud

or possibly not.

He's unconscious. My god.

What you've just done is fantastic. What?

Well, everybody attacks critics who hate their work.

But head-butting one who adores it? That's as cool as you get.

He could prosecute her for assault. Let's hope so.

Isn't she a star? Get your hands off me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ok. No problem.

Oh, yes, most unusual.

I like that. What's it called?

Lippy critic who asked for it.

Music: 'Love hurts' by Roy orbison

? love hurts... ?

They sing along ? love scars, love wounds

? and Mars any heart

? not tough

? nor strong enough

? to take a lot of pain

? take a lot of pain love is like a cloud

? holds a lot of rain love hurts

? love hurts. ?

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