Original subtitles

And in conclusion, may I just stress

that even though sir roysten has announced

that globelink is permanently closing down in four weeks' time...

..I really don't think we should read too much into that.

He chuckles ok, so...

So perhaps sir roysten's engaging in slightly robust bargaining tactics

over our latest pay round, but close globelink?

Pish and tosh, it's like one of his own family.

Didn't he have his mother confined to an asylum?

It was not an asylum, David, it was a sheltered housing project.

On devil's island? Let's...

Let's not get bogged down on this. I'm going to call sir roysten

and straighten it out with him, man to... superman.

Joy, have you got any new post for me?

Yeah, managing director of sad tossers international.

Sally, fax for you from channel 5. Oh, thank you, joy.

You haven't got the job as their midnight to 6am newsreader.

Thank you, joy.

They've given it to a pretty 25-year-old.

Does it say that in the fax? No, but they will have, won't they?

Just like all the other jobs you applied for.

And, Dave, your landlord rang, he said he's changed the locks,

put all your belongings on the pavement,

and left three unfed rottweilers in your flat.

Thank you, joy.

Don't bloody believe it.

Chloe only bunked off school yesterday, didn't she?

And today, the little bitch forged a note from me.

The headmistress has just given me a bloody lecture

on my responsibilities as a parent, it's so embarrassing.

Yes, I used to get calls like that from Deborah's school.

Kept going on about how there's no male authority figure

in my daughter's life. Yes.

They used to say that to me, too.

Dave!

Do you reckon that's dope?

Well, how would I know?

Smells like it. Yeah, but I need to be 100% sure.

It's for a story. There must be some sort of lab.

I'll get that tested for you.

50 quid, no questions asked.

Do you know someone in a private lab?

No, I'm gonna hand it in to the drugs squad.

You know those times when you think joy's being sarcastic,

but she isn't...? Uh-huh.

Shit!

More stuff on this awful hurricane in central America.

Damages running to millions and millions of dollars.

Not to mention the human cost.

Yes, that'll come to millions of dollars, too.

No, no, you see, Sally,

the whole point about the "human cost" is that...

Well, it isn't an amount you can calculate.

It's not something that can be expressed in, er,

well, in terms of money.

I'm sorry, you've lost me.

Well, you see, it's an abstract. It's...

It's ok, it doesn't matter.

Joy, I have been looking all over for you.

You haven't really given that dope to the drug squad, have you?

Course I have. What do you reckon, sarcasm?

No, I'm telling you the truth.

Yeah, but that could be sarcasm as well, I can't...

Look, will you just tell him the real truth.

The results of my highly scientific analysis

should be ready about...

Now. So where's my dope?

In Gus's sandwich. Oh, look...

Don't start all that again.

Where is it really? In Gus's sandwich.

Oh, for god's... erm...

I don't think that was sarcasm.

Joy! I gave you a whole quarter, where's the rest of it?

In Gus's sandwich.

Gave it to him about an hour and a half ago,

so we should be able to tell by now.

There we go. Test: Positive.

50 quid, please, Damien.

Tells me everything I need to know.

So, Gus, how's it going?

Excuse me, joy and David,

would you mind reassuring me that everything's going to be fine

at globelink?

Everything's gonna be fine at globelink.

Because the thought of not having a job serving sir roysten

is very black and hairy and has huge teeth.

And fortunately, I can't understand what I'm saying.

Join the club. Gus, I need...

She sighs god, has he gone again?

Joy, have you got the number of his special health farm?

Oh, no, it's ok, Damien wanted some dope tested

so I put it in Gus's sandwich.

Right.

Helen, so, how's every...? Have you been buying drugs again?

Oh, please, would I really do that?

Yes, Damien, and you would also sell them.

As I recall in the course of your

a day in the life of a drugs dealer report,

you made �1,200 profit.

Well, had to be authentic. You were arrested outside an infants' school!

Well, that was particularly authentic.

Now, listen to me, Damien... No, you listen to me!

I obtained that dope as part of a major investigation

which is in the public interest. Mobile phone rings

and this is a call that I have been expecting

from a dangerous drugs baron, so just back off.

Damien day.

Yes. Now, look, about that dope you sold me.

Uh-huh, yeah, you say now that it's herbal,

but, listen, I've had it analysed, and it is pure marijuana.

So I rather think you should cooperate and do as I ask.

All right, all right. But please don't tell my daddy.

Door closes

I had a call from your headmistress today.

Oh?

You bunked off school yesterday. Where did you go?

I just hung around down the shopping centre with my mates.

I see. And were you smoking?

Only crack. Chloe!

I want to know exactly what you did.

I didn't do anything wrong. You lied.

Well, you lie every day. That's different.

I mean, that's my work.

I mean, when gran and grandad come round

and they mustn't work out you're a lesbian.

Or those whoppers you made me tell when Amanda dropped by

out of the blue that time.

She must be the only jehovah's witness I know

with a kawasaki 750 and pierced nipples.

Your whole life's a lie, mum.

I'm just learning from the expert.

Is that all?

Morning, team! Morning, joy.

Morning, twat-head.

Morning, Dave. Morning, Gus, how are you?

Oh, as bouncy as a spring chicken just ready and waiting

for sir roysten to respond to my calls. Call.

Right. Er, David, erm...

Did we have a conversation yesterday?

No, Gus, and we certainly didn't have one

where you revealed your paranoid fantasies in embarrassing detail.

Right. Good.

So, er, here's today's complaint from alistair Campbell.

At least he hasn't put a bullet in this one.

Morning, Sally. Morning.

What are you wearing? I don't know what you mean.

Sally, this isn't gonna help.

Look, I know it's criminal the way that women over a certain age...

Helen, just because you've got it into your head

that I'm having trouble finding a job,

doesn't mean I'm an easy target for your lesbian propaganda.

My god! Who is this?!

Is it a TV youth presenter?

Is it a pop star? No, I know!

It's the new spice girl. Yes, it's saggy spice.

God, you must be desperate. If you must know,

I'm being considered for a highly prestigious programme.

Yes, I'll be on television for many years to come.

True, Dennis norden will never stop showing that clip

where you farted while you were interviewing mother Teresa.

George?

If you had a very personal secret

you wanted to tell another member of the family...

..How would you break it to them?

Well, when Margaret wanted to tell me about her affair

with her badminton instructor,

she hired that billboard next to the station.

All right, roll up, roll up for the Dave charnley closing down sale.

Seeing as I no longer have a flat to put them in,

I thought I'd sell my possessions. Raise a bit of cash.

Everything must go.

Well, how much is this?

I need a new radio since I...

Lent it to you, Dave.

This is my pen.

These are my gloves and this is my coffee maker!

What you got left?

How to beat gambling,

kicking the horses,

the 12 step plan to beat addiction...

The 24 step plan to beat addiction.

I won that off some bloke.

Go on, then, I'll have this. Hang on, hang on.

You're just doing this out of pity, aren't you? Yes.

Fiver.

This is just a temporary refinancing till I get my redundancy package.

Oh! What's "huh!"?

Well, my mate Sandra, she's a lawyer, right,

and she says sir roysten always declares the whole company insolvent

so nobody gets any redundancy money. You might as well get fired.

No, I can't. I need the four weeks' pay before we close down.

I'm relying on that money otherwise I'll be on the street.

Yeah, but, Sandra looked at the contract, see,

and if you get fired, you get a mandatory eight weeks' pay.

So how come you're not trying to get fired?

What do you think I'm doing?

I'm being rude, I'm being aggressive...

Oh, I don't think anyone's noticed.

Well, they will.

A mandatory eight weeks' pay, you say?

Henry, can I ask your advice?

Say someone wanted to tell another member of their family

a rather... delicate secret.

Er... what do you think is the best way?

A letter? A phone call?

See them face-to-face, spit it out.

Just say, "I'm a lesbian."

Henry, I'm talking in general terms.

Say, "mum and dad, I'm a muff muncher."

I...

I, er... "I like shagging other women.

"So damn the lot of you!" Oh, for god's sake.

Suck on this, saddos,

for here is dying news station's greatest ever exclusive.

Tony Blair's diaries.

Is that so?

And how did you get hold of these diaries, Damien?

Erm, apparently, he just threw them away.

Yeah, the dustmen found them,

and, er, just gave them to little old me.

There will be insights here into every major decision

he's made since he took power.

"This is the diary of Tony Blair." You see?

"Aged 11 and three quarters."

Oh, bloody hell!

"One day, I am going to become a socialist Prime Minister."

Incredible how wrong you can be at that age.

Well, they're still broadcast-able.

Even if they are genuine,

they're still stolen documents so I'm sorry, we...

Gus! Gus! News dude.

I have got the prime minister's diaries.

Adolescent diaries, you see, look?

Says here he lost his virginity at a deep purple concert.

Terrific! So obviously, we have to use them, don't we?

Phone rings oh!

Hello, Gus hedges.

Get off my bloody phone!

I've told you, I'm waiting for a very, very important call

from sir roysten, you stupid moron.

I don't know, mothers, eh?

So, anyway, Gus, these diaries... phone rings

is that the phone in my office?

I'm coming! George?

No, Damien.

Yes, this phone as well!

Ju... just tell daddy to write and tell me

when his operation is over.

But these diaries... had these been political diaries

then we might have had a story, but they're not.

They're not a legitimate source of public interest,

so they have to be returned!

For crying...

But not before we've had a good look through.

Joy?

This parmesan and salami sandwich you brought me is inedible.

Yeah, I made it with used odour eaters and soap shavings.

I don't want any of your sarcasm.

For god's sake, this is not sarcasm!

I made them with used odour eaters and soap shavings!

For crying out... fucking...

What did you just call me then, young lady?

Bollock-brained crap wit. She called me that?!

No, I'm calling you a bollock-brained crap wit.

So what you gonna do about it? Fire me?

Since you mention it, young sir... phone rings

ah, that'll be him!

I'm here to see mr jefferies. Job interview? Yes.

The cleaner or the late late show presenter?

I'm Sally smedley. Sure.

I am. No, I remember her from the '80s,

she was that frosty tight-arse on the news.

You look nothing like her.

I am Sally smedley.

Oh, yeah, now I see it.

If you just want to sit over there with the other applicants.

Ok, he's ready for the next one.

You've written to gran and grandad? Yep.

Told them everything. So now neither of us has to lie, eh?

Oh, shit.

Chloe.

I suppose that means I have to tell you the truth.

See, all that stuff about me lying cos you're always lying,

I just said that as a, sort of, standard diversionary tactic.

I don't mind what you tell gran and grandad.

I just didn't want you to find out what I'd really been doing

when I bunked off.

And what were you doing?

Shoplifting.

You're not pregnant?! No!

Well, what, then?

I went to see a rerun of the spice girls movie.

You did what?

I know, mum, it's really embarrassing.

They're so non-cool now, everyone else is into the prodigy.

But I just can't help it... Just let me get this right.

I have, after many years of silence,

written to my parents proclaiming my lesbianism,

because you are ashamed of liking the spice girls?

Posh is brilliant though, isn't she?

That great staring thing she does.

She's too good for that plonker Beckham.

And scary spice has got her tongue pierced,

that's so cool...

Morning, newshounds!

I trust we are sniffing around the bottoms of the opposition?

Now, I'm sure you've all got it in your diaries

that today is sir roysten's birthday,

and I know you'd like to have a collection.

So sir roysten rang you back, then?

Erm, yes, as a matter of fact, he has, David.

So if you could just hand that round, eh?

So what'd he say, then?

Well, if you must know, he said, erm...

"How's it hanging, hombre? You old son of a gun.

"Keep your poker up." Hand the envelope around, Davey,

we want to get sir roysten a nice present.

Only thing I'd like to give him is the clap.

I'm ordering you to make a donation.

I mean, honestly, what is the... right! I'm warning you.

I've had your defeatism and subordination up to here.

Whoever does it next will be instantly fired,

sacked, and dismissed.

Nearly there.

Right, you two, I need to talk through this winding down

of the number of bulletins.

I was going to do it yesterday afternoon, but I couldn't find you.

Er, yes, well, erm...

Sally had an interview for a very prestigious programme.

Didn't you, Sally? Yes.

And so did Henry. Ah, any luck?

No.

We felt we were...

Overqualified. That's right.

Well, nice to be in demand, anyway.

Right, you are gonna have to use this!

Tony Blair's current political diary.

Right, listen to this.

"Oh, god, alistair Campbell has made another cock-up.

"Our strongly worded denial that the cabinet is dominated

"by a gay mafia has been issued in pink notepaper."

Certainly looks authentic. It is!

Well, how the hell...? The dustmen!

They're very on the ball, these dustmen, aren't they?

Princes among garbage operatives.

So it was definitely these dustmen? Uh-huh.

And not a 13-year-old girl called Sophie bellington?

High-pitched: Sophie bellington?

Yes, Sophie bellington.

Who lives at 14 kingscliffe gardens.

She's a friend of one of the pm's children

who you conned into selling you drugs

and then blackmailed into stealing private property

from 10 downing street.

Oh, that Sophie bellington.

She rang, very upset.

Oh, yeah, but we've still got to broadcast it, though, haven't we?

I mean, it's an amazing scoop!

Oh, look, I need this story if I'm to get a new job

and leave this dump behind.

Well, I'm against it going out. Me too.

Eh?

It would advance the slow corrosion of journalistic ethics

that has disfigured the last decade.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

No, this is just pure jealousy.

I mean, just because you two relics couldn't get another job on TV

even if you went down on John birt. You're just trying to...

Oh, Gus! Gus! Look.

I have got Tony Blair's political diary.

Yes, but it was stolen. We'll be hauled in front of the regulators.

What does it matter? Globelink's closing down in four weeks.

It is not! Yes, well, all I'm saying...

I won't have reporters propagating

these absurd rumours that globelink is closing.

Yeah, but my story... is not being broadcast, Damien,

not with your pathetic defeatist attitude,

not while I'm waiting for a phone call.

Another phone call from sir roysten!

The man who calls me "hombre"!

Helen, look, you're the only true professional here.

I mean, this is a great story.

The girl sold drugs! She had it coming to her.

But what about her mother?

Eh? I'll bet you didn't think about her parent... s.

You have turned a young daughter, barely old enough

to have outgrown the spice girls, into a liar and a thief.

What? Helen... you made her betray her mum.

Helen. Not now, Dave. Helen.

Your mum's on the phone.

What's happened?

Your father died from a heart attack this morning.

I've killed him.

My letter.

He opened it, read I was a lesbian and...

..Had a coronary. Come on.

Go and talk to your mother in here. I've killed my father.

So...

What about my Blair story, then?!

What?

What's happened?

Helen's father has just died.

She's on the phone to her mother now.

God.

You know, it's funny.

She sensed something the minute she saw my face.

Awful shock.

I remember when my mother died,

heart attack.

I mean, she was 22 stone so it was hardly surprising.

She died lying on top of my dad.

They were having sex.

We were on a camping holiday miles from anywhere.

I was only seven.

In the end, I had to fetch the carjack to lift her off him.

After something like that, a lot of men would have grown up

thinking of women as these stifling weights that trap you.

Luckily, it didn't affect me.

Oh, look, Helen's off the phone. We'd best go. Right.

Poor Helen. Yeah.

Joy, er, can you talk Sally and I

through this trying to get fired thing?

Yes, what exactly are the financial advantages? None.

I have just come from my lawyer mate

who says she overlooked the clause that says you don't get a bean

if you get fired through unreasonable behaviour.

How could a professional lawyer be so sloppy?

I can't believe I just said that.

Get a cab and I'll come back with you.

I killed my father.

Did your mum mention the letter?

No, but she was just trying to spare my feelings.

I know it was me.

Did you put this letter in the office post?

Yes. Oh, I burned that.

I've been burning all the post since they announced we were closing.

Why? Well, just to cheer me up, really.

But that's wonderful!

I didn't kill my father!

Sobbing: That's the most wonderful news I've ever heard!

Chin up, Helen! Good times are just around the corner.

Oh, come along, it's not as if someone has died.

No helping some people.

Well, great news, team, our collection for sir roysten

has raised over �800. All of which you put in there yourself.

Dave... let's face it, Gus,

only a sad 40-year-old virgin with no friends and no life

could ever possibly fall in love with a fat, poisonous megalomaniac

like sir roysten.

How do you say those hurtful, untrue things.

Sir roysten is not a fat, poisonous megalomaniac.

One more word and you're history.

Wanker.

There you go, there's one more word.

Tosspot. There's another one.

Right, charnley! Clear your desk!

Yes! Severance pay, here I come. Dave, there's something you...

Dave gets eight weeks' money and he doesn't have to come into work.

Yes, eight weeks' worth of dosh for...

Someone else has died, haven't they?

Phone rings

hello? 'Hello.'

oh, it's you.

That's right.

Now, here's the deal:

I won't tell mummy and daddy how that window got broken

if you hide that little tape recorder I gave you

under uncle Tony and aunt cherie's bed.

Now, it will be fine, don't worry about alistair Campbell

and his X-ray machine.

Oh, and that bugging device I gave you,

your to slip it into the turn-ups of Nick brown's trousers, ok?

And, er, if you should be foolish enough to tell anyone

about our little arrangement, just remember...

I've got bundlefluff.

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