All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s06e01 The Newsmakers.eng

Listen, Buster, I don't know the
meaning of the word impossible.

Or ill-advised.

Narrator: 'You're looking
at a man with a problem.

'He's Gus hedges, chief
executive of globelink news.

'Part of the crumbling empire
of reclusive business mogul,

'sir royston merchant.

'Join us as we step
into this man's world

'as we watch Gus and his
team make the news.'

morning, team!

Have we rebooted our mental
hard disks this morning?

You bet! Terrific!

Remember...

"Let nowness synergise
with excellence."

So, go for it, compadres.

Respect! My job is all
about motivation.

It's one of the four ms of management.

Motivation, morale,

money maximisation and
mega conciseness.

Oh, you'll struggle to keep up
with me, my friend, yes, indeedy.

I live my whole life at this speed.
I...

What are you doing?

Well, I'm just waiting to be let in.

Just waiting?!

That's not an option at globelink.

Because if you're just waiting,

then you're pissing valuable seconds
down the fickle toilet of time.

You've forgotten your
swipe card, haven't you?

Well, actually, I... you're fired!

What?! You heard me!

Excuse me, er, what are you doing, Gus?

I'm firing this woman, Helen,
it's called leadership.

One of the five ls.

Everyone read my memo
about the consequences

of swipe card shortfall.
There can be no exceptions,

no matter what their job.
What exactly is your job?

I'm a health and safety inspector
for westminster council.

We've received a complaint that
your premises breach safety codes.

If that's the case...
I'll shut you down.

'Meanwhile, in the globelink newsroom,

'the pace is beginning to quicken.'

well, my job, my very important job,

is to compose the actual
text of news items.

Right now, I'm working on this
whole general pinochet cock-up.

Which was clearly caused by backbiting

between Jack straw and Robin cook.

At least, that's what
mandelson's office told me.

'Reporter Damien day is
also racing the clock

'to get his exclusive
interview ready in time.'

this is Leroy Jackson. He's
awaiting execution in Alabama.

He stabbed four people to death,
live during a daytime TV talk show

on "men who stab and the
women who love them".

Now, this piece will be
controversial and sexy.

Like all my stuff.

I suppose being a young star reporter,

I'm the kind of Michael
Owen of our industry.

Which, I guess, makes me a
sort of transfer target

for bigger TV companies.

'With the sudden collapse

'of so many of sir royston
merchant's business ventures,

'including his four banks
in southeast Asia,

'his genetic patenting
company DNA-r-us,

'and his ill-fated adventure
theme park in Kosovo,

'there are strong rumours
that globelink news

'will be the next of his
companies to go under.

'So, the staff are working in a
pressure cooker environment.'

phone slams

so far, it's a typically
eventful morning.

We've got a surprise health
and safety inspection,

got alistair Campbell
badgering me to include

his latest version of president menem's

regretful non-apology.

Our editor George hasn't turned up

and both our newsreaders are missing.

Oh, er... Henry rang in,
he said he'd be late.

Why?

Er, he went to social function
last night which went on a bit.

And he got a bit... tired.

I see! How tired?

Completely tired.

Helen sighs I've got no
idea where Sally is.

'Sally is at a book signing.

'Globelink's glamorous
newsreader has gone into print.'

this book's very important to me.

It's called Diana - my special friend.

I was forever meeting the princess
at various charity functions

and we became really rather close.

She used to call me the
people's newsreader.

Who is this one for?

To piers and Terry.

We're your hugest, hugest fans, Sally.

We idolise you.

Well, thank you. So do all our friends.

That's nice.

We even have special Sally smedley
evenings, where we all get together

and dress up exactly like you.

Really?

Oh, yes. We copy your hair and
your make up and your dress...

Actually, do you think
you could move along?

There's a bit of a queue.

Who's it for? John.

John. And Jeremy.

'Meanwhile, news editor George dent
has finally made it into work.'

well, it's quite an
amusing story, really.

You see, every night
before I go to bed,

I like to go to this piece of
waste ground behind where I live

and just watch the
badgers who live there.

Anyway, last night, the big
male was out rummaging around

and I just happened to be wearing

this pair of carpet slippers I've got
which are shaped like hedgehogs.

I must say, I never realised hedgehogs

are natural prey for badgers.

Anyway, I managed to prise
open its jaws in the end.

Had to go back to casualty
again this morning

for another six injections!

Still, there you go!

Swipe card beeps

'the time is now 11:20.

'Just 40 minutes till
the lunchtime bulletin.

'And the pressure cooker
is on the simmer.'

I don't think you want to be
as close as that, do you?

Where the hell is Sally?!

'Sally's at another book signing.

'Her ninth in three hours.'

the thing pleases me most, I suppose,

is that I didn't employ a ghost writer.
This book is all me.

I'm particularly proud of the chapter

which condemns the opportunists

who are exploiting the memory of Diana.

'Back at globelink news, veteran
anchor-man, Henry Davenport,

'has finally materialised.

'But he's not a happy man.'

glass bangs I'm going
for a crap in a moment,

you're welcome to film me, but
I'm not doing any retakes.

That's what you lot do, isn't it?

In your... what do you call them, again?
Soap-umentaries.

Grumbles

'production assistant joy merryweather

'isn't too happy either.'

this is the highlight of my day,

logging in the overnight calls
that come in from all the saddos.

On answer machine: My name is jon
snow and I'm ringing to protest

about the use of the term joyrider.

Urgh! Get a life! They are
thieves, plain and simple.

Toilet flushes

I know what you lot are after.

You're looking for some
twat to humiliate himself

and then with a bit of snide editing,

you can base the entire peep show
around the pathetic bastard.

Well, it won't be me, pal.

Coins clank

mm. Emptied it again. I
really must slow down!

Chuckles

on answer machine: Oh,
get it right, globelink!

Machine beeps twat.

Slurred speech: Is there anybody there?
It's Henry.

Tearfully: It's three in the
morning, I'm all my own.

I'm drunk and I'm old
and I've wet myself.

Oh, dear!

I didn't get that one down.

Think I better play it again.

Machine beeps is there anybody there?

Oh, yes, you have to get
up early to catch me out,

my crafty, ponytailed little friend.

I was dealing with seriously tricky
customers, like MacMillan and Nixon,

when you were just a tadpole in
your daddy's shagging juice.

Ciao.

'It's now 1:45, the lunchtime
bulletin has gone out

'and staff have a brief
respite from the pressure.

'How do they handle the stress?'

well, with me, the stress manifests
itself as mysterious symptoms.

You know, nausea, dizziness,
tinnitus and some haemorrhoids.

Allergies to badger bites.

Everyone has something.

I mean, with Dave, the stress comes
out as his gambling problem.

Well, I don't have a
gambling problem, actually.

I have an ex-gambling problem.

I've quit, basically,

because I've finally accepted
I'm an unlucky person.

Not as unlucky as George, obviously.

I don't have hot bits
of meteorite drop on me

while I'm sunbathing in my garden.

Chuckles yes.

But the plain fact is,

I've not won a single bet in 20 months.

I surrender.

Well, ever since the three...
unexplained fires

in sir royston's software
factories on teeside, yeah...

Things have got a bit
worrying and, well,

of course you feel the
stress sometimes.

I mean, only a moron would
never feel pressure.

I never feel pressure.
I wouldn't know stress

if it jumped up and down on my chest

until I experienced
breathing difficulties.

I thrive on pressure.

In fact, if I'm not
experiencing enough pressure,

I go out and create some.

This make over's all about
pulling in viewers,

by looking more kirsty young.

Like this. Well...

Well, let's just rehearse it, shall we?

I don't know. I've never
done it standing up.

Sniggering

well, I haven't!

Actually, Sally, I can
remember an occasion

when you did it standing up.

Yeah, and me! I think
we got it on tape.

Really?

Well, I'm surprised I don't remember.

How long was the item?

What is the matter
with everybody today?

Giggling

the gift of laughter, the
sign of a happy workplace.

? Happy Birthday, dear George... ?

'It's my Tuesday morning,

'and it's editor George
dent's birthday.'

oh! Bright red. To scare off badgers.

This is from me.

Ah! Thank you, David.

Do badgers really eat hedgehogs?

Mm. Apparently. Well, that must hurt.

It's not as though they
can peel them, is it?

Ah! A lottery ticket!

I'll be totally honest with you,
George, I had bought it for myself,

but since I have now given
up gambling, it's all yours.

Oh, Dave, a lottery ticket you no
longer want, you shouldn't have (!)

You can put that with the hotel
notepaper that Sally gave you.

Yes! Quite a haul.

'But chief executive, Gus hedges,
has less reason to celebrate.'

that was sir royston's office.

Informing me that he's sending
his son, Roy merchant junior,

to see us, with a radical
new business plan.

He's arriving tomorrow.

Which is great news!

Bloody dreadful news!

I can see the horsemen
and the apocalypse

galloping down the corridor!

Well, this visit is bound
to cause a bit of anxiety.

I mean, all these rumours
about globelink's future

are very unsettling for staff.

Especially staff with financial
problems. Like Dave.

Yeah, well, I do have a bit of
debt from the ex-gambling thing,

but it's really not very much.

Certainly less than five figures.

'But whatever the anxieties,

'the news still has to get on air.

'It's ten minutes to one,

'time to rehearse and the pressure
cooker is beginning to boil.'

ok, Henry, and then
you'll interview Tom,

who'll be live outside number 10.

Uh-huh. What's he going to say?

'Basically that there has been no
movement to the negotiations.'

but I've just said that.

Yeah, I know, but...

'So his bit is completely pointless.'

Henry, will you just do as we ask?

'Yes, just as soon as
it makes any sense (!)'

oh, for god's sake!

I'm sorry, I'm obviously dim,

but why are we bothering
to interview Tom

when he will simply
repeat what I have said?

Yes, but he'll be repeating
it live from the scene.

Why? 'Because TV's a visual
medium, for god's sake.

'If nothing's happening, you have
to show it is not happening.

'Live, as it doesn't happen!'

do you know nothing about
this business, man?!

I know a bloody sight
more than you do...

Gets louder: You pissing...

Bleep, bleep, bleep...

Repeated, elongated bleeps

..fuckwit.

Banter.

'Damien day is also facing a
potentially explosive situation.

'At short notice, he's
been summoned to appear

'before an industry watchdog. The
broadcasting ethics commission.'

well, mr day. Here we are again.

No doubt you can guess why
we've asked to see you.

Oh, look, if it's about that
blue Peter reunion thing,

I was not trying to entrap Valerie
singleton into buying drugs.

I accidentally left my
camera switched on...

No, it is not that.

We've had a complaint about the way
you conducted a recent interview,

yet to be broadcast,
from the interviewee.

A mr Leroy Jackson, currently
on death row in Alabama.

I thought this might happen.

He wants the interview
suppressed, doesn't he?

He told me more than he meant to
and now he has got cold feet.

He told you more than he meant to

because you dressed
as a catholic priest

and offered to take
his last confession.

He's lying. Can you prove that?

Come on, who are you gonna believe?
Me or a convicted murderer?

Well, I don't think we need to waste
any more time with that question.

Now, the committee feels...

I can't believe you're going to
uphold a complaint from a killer.

The man stabbed four...

Actually, it's not just
him who's complained.

We have a letter from the
prison governor in Alabama,

the American embassy have
just sent us this fax,

and we're particularly
concerned with this letter.

What dreadful handwriting.
Yes. Yes, it is.

But his holiness is quite elderly.

Gus hums 'it's Thursday morning,

'and sir royston merchant's
son, Roy junior,

'is expected at any moment with
the dreaded new business plan.'

cork pops 'but the staff do have some

'good news to celebrate.

'George dent has won �60,000
on the midweek lottery.

'So, George's financial future
seems secure, at least.'

I've never won anything before.

No, I tell a lie, I once won a tin
of pork luncheon meat in a raffle.

I remember that because
of the botulism business.

But, er... �60,000!

I haven't quite decided
what to do with the money.

I think the important thing
is not to get carried away.

I might just put it all in my
post office savings account.

Though, obviously, with
a windfall like this,

it is important to remember
your special friends,

so I'll probably be giving quite a
lot to the badger protection league.

Cheers.

'But Sally is not in a champagne mood.

'During a spot check
of a local book shop,

'she's been unable to find a single
copy of Diana: My special friend.'

I mean, your shelves are awash
with ulrika bloody jonsson,

but where the hell's mine?

Well, I'm afraid we've had to
remove your book from the shelves

what?! Well, you see, there have been

rather a lot of complaints
from customers.

About what? A few things, actually,

but mainly the chapter where you
explain how the princess told you

that she'd modelled herself on you.

And, of course, we do have to respond

to concerns expressed by the public.

Bugger the public!

What do the public know about anything?

They wear shell suits and
eat processed cheese!

Well. Quite.

In actual fact, well, this
is head office's decision.

I was actually rather disappointed
because, well, you see...

I'm actually a massive fan of yours.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes. Yes. I've got a big
poster of you on my wall at home.

A poster?

Mm. Just between Shirley
bassey and Leonardo dicaprio.

'Back at globelink, a new
problem has arrived.'

we've just received the verdict of
the health and safety inspector.

And it is pretty damning.

Yes, though, I'm not
sure it's totally fair.

I think she's allowed herself
to be unduly influenced

by the fact that she fell
down that open lift shaft.

Still, it's not all gloom.

George does have his �60,000.

Chuckling: Yes.

One with the tickets that was
mine, but then I gave to him.

Hey, George? Yes.

Thank you, David. You've helped
make a lot of badgers very happy.

God, I'll be pleased to see
the back of these sneaky,

fly-on-the wall bastards. Yeah.

You know there's talk of them
using hidden microphones.

They're also bloody punchable.

Especially the bald
producer with the ponytail.

He looks like billiard ball with
a bit of snot hanging off it.

Yeah. Ooh, by the way,
the chemist rang.

Your bulk order of Viagra
is ready for collection.

Right. Er... oh, thanks.

Any idea where they've
hidden these microphones?

Well, I know there's one in this plant.

Yeah, well, I mean,
I'm gonna have to do

a certain amount of reediting.

Globelink got an official
slap across the wrists.

Formal warning.

And obviously, that letter
from the pope didn't help.

Well, especially the bit where he...

..Where he, um...

..Excommunicated me.

Probably get quite a bit of
stick from my mum about that.

'It's mid-morning, and
the waiting is over.

'Roy merchant junior has arrived
with the new business plan.'

a thousand welcomes and
any graffiti you may see

is the work of fifth columnists
for rival companies.

Right. Thank you.

Scattered, spiritless applause

'but there are some who do
not feel like applauding.'

well, you think you
know people, don't you?

I mean, you like to think that
if someone had a bit of luck

because you gave them something

and that person knew you were
in financial difficulties,

you'd like to think that
they'd at least give you

a bit of financial assistance. But...

Laughs bitterly no, no, no, no.

No, that's when you discover
that they're far more concerned

about the financial needs of a bunch
of omnivorous stripy bog brushes.

Well, I've had it with George dent.

He just a greedy, selfish little shit.

Oh, it's terrific to have you
with us, Roy, yes indeedy.

How is sir royston? Well,
I'm so fond of him.

He's been like a father to me.

Well, I'm sure his been
like a father to you, too.

Well, not like a father, he is your
father, isn't he, let's face it?

I'm sure he has been both. Both like
a father and actually your father.

Absolutely. Fantastic.

I'll convey your best wishes
to my f-f-f-f-f-father.

Oh, 'ello. It's the man from Brock aid.

Been out shopping, have we?
Buying them swimming pools?

Gold-plated hedgehog peelers?

Look, Dave, I know you've
probably been thinking

I'm an ungrateful little git, but, um,

I'd like to give you this.

It's a cheque for �30,000.

Roughly the size of your
gambling debt, isn't it?

Money might as well be doing
something constructive.

George... I would have
given it you earlier,

but I didn't want to embarrass you

in front of the cameras like
you said I did before, so...

I'll, I'll catch you later.

'Another hour has passed.

'Staff are still waiting to hear

'what sir royston's son has in store.

'And they may well have a while to wait.
Because the lift is stuck.'

won't be long now.

Oh, yes, my elite staff will
have us out of here in no time.

They're all hand-picked, of course.
Quality is the key to management.

One of the seven qs.

The seven qs, what are they?

Quality, and, um, quantity...

..And, um...

..Quiet confidence...

..And, er, finally...

..Questioning-ness.

That's six.

This lift's from Belgium.

'Meanwhile, George is
fielding another problem.

'Sally smedley has been
arrested in a book shop

'for shouting homophobic
abuse at customers.'

yes, I'm sure she is
making, "a bit of a fuss".

Liquid cosh?

Right.

Ok, thanks for your
call, then, sergeant.

'It's 11:45, the lift has been fixed,

'and Roy merchant junior has
called the staff together,

'to unveil globelink's future.'

can I just say...

Sorry for any stress caused
by this unexpected visit.

I know how scary it can be to hear

that somebody's bringing news
from my f-f-f-f-f-f-f...

Banging

..father.

Anyway, as you all know,

sir royston's global business interests

are undergoing a rapid rationalisation.

So, for globelink news to survive,

we've been forced to
make certain cutbacks.

And... to cut to the chase...

I'm afraid we will have to trim
the current workforce by...

72%.

What?! Gasps

72%?

We have to reassure the bankers, Gus.

How the hell do we lay off 72%?

Well, hopefully, a lot will go
through the more painless route.

You know, people volunteering
for early retirement.

Yeah, and after that?

Well, there may be enforced
redundancies, yes.

Starting, I suppose, with
the older members of staff.

So, finally, you got
what you came for, 'ey?

Is this enough humiliation
and pain for you?

There's a girl crying there,
why don't you follow...

Why don't you follow her home?
This evening.

You never know, perhaps you'll get
lucky and she'll slash her wrists

and then everyone could watch
at home as she bleeds to death,

live on corpvision.

You had a tipoff this was
going to happen, didn't you?

Don't shake your head at
me, billiard ball bonce!

You thought, "oh, whoopee!

"We could film the death
throes of a company.

"What a sexy climax that would be."

Well, I've got an even better climax.

Producer grunts and do you want some?

Henry! Henry!

Shouting and commotion

give me that!

This is Henry Davenport,
for globelink news.

Joy: Nice one, Henry!

I mean, I got the truth out of the man

who murdered this poor
woman's family, didn't I?

And that's my job, isn't it?

Bloody pope!

Who does he think he is, 'ey?
Woman on screen: It's been, er...

Just some pole in a frock. Oh, god.

Actually, this is really helping
to talk to you like this, rabbi.

Damien: Yes. Um, there's
no need to call me rabbi.

'I'm a progressive.' Oh.

And out at...

20 seconds before that.

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