Original subtitles

Listen, Buster, I don't know the meaning of the word impossible.

Or ill-advised.

Narrator: 'You're looking at a man with a problem.

'He's Gus hedges, chief executive of globelink news.

'Part of the crumbling empire of reclusive business mogul,

'sir royston merchant.

'Join us as we step into this man's world

'as we watch Gus and his team make the news.'

morning, team!

Have we rebooted our mental hard disks this morning?

You bet! Terrific!

Remember...

"Let nowness synergise with excellence."

So, go for it, compadres.

Respect! My job is all about motivation.

It's one of the four ms of management.

Motivation, morale,

money maximisation and mega conciseness.

Oh, you'll struggle to keep up with me, my friend, yes, indeedy.

I live my whole life at this speed. I...

What are you doing?

Well, I'm just waiting to be let in.

Just waiting?!

That's not an option at globelink.

Because if you're just waiting,

then you're pissing valuable seconds down the fickle toilet of time.

You've forgotten your swipe card, haven't you?

Well, actually, I... you're fired!

What?! You heard me!

Excuse me, er, what are you doing, Gus?

I'm firing this woman, Helen, it's called leadership.

One of the five ls.

Everyone read my memo about the consequences

of swipe card shortfall. There can be no exceptions,

no matter what their job. What exactly is your job?

I'm a health and safety inspector for westminster council.

We've received a complaint that your premises breach safety codes.

If that's the case... I'll shut you down.

'Meanwhile, in the globelink newsroom,

'the pace is beginning to quicken.'

well, my job, my very important job,

is to compose the actual text of news items.

Right now, I'm working on this whole general pinochet cock-up.

Which was clearly caused by backbiting

between Jack straw and Robin cook.

At least, that's what mandelson's office told me.

'Reporter Damien day is also racing the clock

'to get his exclusive interview ready in time.'

this is Leroy Jackson. He's awaiting execution in Alabama.

He stabbed four people to death, live during a daytime TV talk show

on "men who stab and the women who love them".

Now, this piece will be controversial and sexy.

Like all my stuff.

I suppose being a young star reporter,

I'm the kind of Michael Owen of our industry.

Which, I guess, makes me a sort of transfer target

for bigger TV companies.

'With the sudden collapse

'of so many of sir royston merchant's business ventures,

'including his four banks in southeast Asia,

'his genetic patenting company DNA-r-us,

'and his ill-fated adventure theme park in Kosovo,

'there are strong rumours that globelink news

'will be the next of his companies to go under.

'So, the staff are working in a pressure cooker environment.'

phone slams

so far, it's a typically eventful morning.

We've got a surprise health and safety inspection,

got alistair Campbell badgering me to include

his latest version of president menem's

regretful non-apology.

Our editor George hasn't turned up

and both our newsreaders are missing.

Oh, er... Henry rang in, he said he'd be late.

Why?

Er, he went to social function last night which went on a bit.

And he got a bit... tired.

I see! How tired?

Completely tired.

Helen sighs I've got no idea where Sally is.

'Sally is at a book signing.

'Globelink's glamorous newsreader has gone into print.'

this book's very important to me.

It's called Diana - my special friend.

I was forever meeting the princess at various charity functions

and we became really rather close.

She used to call me the people's newsreader.

Who is this one for?

To piers and Terry.

We're your hugest, hugest fans, Sally.

We idolise you.

Well, thank you. So do all our friends.

That's nice.

We even have special Sally smedley evenings, where we all get together

and dress up exactly like you.

Really?

Oh, yes. We copy your hair and your make up and your dress...

Actually, do you think you could move along?

There's a bit of a queue.

Who's it for? John.

John. And Jeremy.

'Meanwhile, news editor George dent has finally made it into work.'

well, it's quite an amusing story, really.

You see, every night before I go to bed,

I like to go to this piece of waste ground behind where I live

and just watch the badgers who live there.

Anyway, last night, the big male was out rummaging around

and I just happened to be wearing

this pair of carpet slippers I've got which are shaped like hedgehogs.

I must say, I never realised hedgehogs

are natural prey for badgers.

Anyway, I managed to prise open its jaws in the end.

Had to go back to casualty again this morning

for another six injections!

Still, there you go!

Swipe card beeps

'the time is now 11:20.

'Just 40 minutes till the lunchtime bulletin.

'And the pressure cooker is on the simmer.'

I don't think you want to be as close as that, do you?

Where the hell is Sally?!

'Sally's at another book signing.

'Her ninth in three hours.'

the thing pleases me most, I suppose,

is that I didn't employ a ghost writer. This book is all me.

I'm particularly proud of the chapter

which condemns the opportunists

who are exploiting the memory of Diana.

'Back at globelink news, veteran anchor-man, Henry Davenport,

'has finally materialised.

'But he's not a happy man.'

glass bangs I'm going for a crap in a moment,

you're welcome to film me, but I'm not doing any retakes.

That's what you lot do, isn't it?

In your... what do you call them, again? Soap-umentaries.

Grumbles

'production assistant joy merryweather

'isn't too happy either.'

this is the highlight of my day,

logging in the overnight calls that come in from all the saddos.

On answer machine: My name is jon snow and I'm ringing to protest

about the use of the term joyrider.

Urgh! Get a life! They are thieves, plain and simple.

Toilet flushes

I know what you lot are after.

You're looking for some twat to humiliate himself

and then with a bit of snide editing,

you can base the entire peep show around the pathetic bastard.

Well, it won't be me, pal.

Coins clank

mm. Emptied it again. I really must slow down!

Chuckles

on answer machine: Oh, get it right, globelink!

Machine beeps twat.

Slurred speech: Is there anybody there? It's Henry.

Tearfully: It's three in the morning, I'm all my own.

I'm drunk and I'm old and I've wet myself.

Oh, dear!

I didn't get that one down.

Think I better play it again.

Machine beeps is there anybody there?

Oh, yes, you have to get up early to catch me out,

my crafty, ponytailed little friend.

I was dealing with seriously tricky customers, like MacMillan and Nixon,

when you were just a tadpole in your daddy's shagging juice.

Ciao.

'It's now 1:45, the lunchtime bulletin has gone out

'and staff have a brief respite from the pressure.

'How do they handle the stress?'

well, with me, the stress manifests itself as mysterious symptoms.

You know, nausea, dizziness, tinnitus and some haemorrhoids.

Allergies to badger bites.

Everyone has something.

I mean, with Dave, the stress comes out as his gambling problem.

Well, I don't have a gambling problem, actually.

I have an ex-gambling problem.

I've quit, basically,

because I've finally accepted I'm an unlucky person.

Not as unlucky as George, obviously.

I don't have hot bits of meteorite drop on me

while I'm sunbathing in my garden.

Chuckles yes.

But the plain fact is,

I've not won a single bet in 20 months.

I surrender.

Well, ever since the three... unexplained fires

in sir royston's software factories on teeside, yeah...

Things have got a bit worrying and, well,

of course you feel the stress sometimes.

I mean, only a moron would never feel pressure.

I never feel pressure. I wouldn't know stress

if it jumped up and down on my chest

until I experienced breathing difficulties.

I thrive on pressure.

In fact, if I'm not experiencing enough pressure,

I go out and create some.

This make over's all about pulling in viewers,

by looking more kirsty young.

Like this. Well...

Well, let's just rehearse it, shall we?

I don't know. I've never done it standing up.

Sniggering

well, I haven't!

Actually, Sally, I can remember an occasion

when you did it standing up.

Yeah, and me! I think we got it on tape.

Really?

Well, I'm surprised I don't remember.

How long was the item?

What is the matter with everybody today?

Giggling

the gift of laughter, the sign of a happy workplace.

? Happy Birthday, dear George... ?

'It's my Tuesday morning,

'and it's editor George dent's birthday.'

oh! Bright red. To scare off badgers.

This is from me.

Ah! Thank you, David.

Do badgers really eat hedgehogs?

Mm. Apparently. Well, that must hurt.

It's not as though they can peel them, is it?

Ah! A lottery ticket!

I'll be totally honest with you, George, I had bought it for myself,

but since I have now given up gambling, it's all yours.

Oh, Dave, a lottery ticket you no longer want, you shouldn't have (!)

You can put that with the hotel notepaper that Sally gave you.

Yes! Quite a haul.

'But chief executive, Gus hedges, has less reason to celebrate.'

that was sir royston's office.

Informing me that he's sending his son, Roy merchant junior,

to see us, with a radical new business plan.

He's arriving tomorrow.

Which is great news!

Bloody dreadful news!

I can see the horsemen and the apocalypse

galloping down the corridor!

Well, this visit is bound to cause a bit of anxiety.

I mean, all these rumours about globelink's future

are very unsettling for staff.

Especially staff with financial problems. Like Dave.

Yeah, well, I do have a bit of debt from the ex-gambling thing,

but it's really not very much.

Certainly less than five figures.

'But whatever the anxieties,

'the news still has to get on air.

'It's ten minutes to one,

'time to rehearse and the pressure cooker is beginning to boil.'

ok, Henry, and then you'll interview Tom,

who'll be live outside number 10.

Uh-huh. What's he going to say?

'Basically that there has been no movement to the negotiations.'

but I've just said that.

Yeah, I know, but...

'So his bit is completely pointless.'

Henry, will you just do as we ask?

'Yes, just as soon as it makes any sense (!)'

oh, for god's sake!

I'm sorry, I'm obviously dim,

but why are we bothering to interview Tom

when he will simply repeat what I have said?

Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.

Why? 'Because TV's a visual medium, for god's sake.

'If nothing's happening, you have to show it is not happening.

'Live, as it doesn't happen!'

do you know nothing about this business, man?!

I know a bloody sight more than you do...

Gets louder: You pissing...

Bleep, bleep, bleep...

Repeated, elongated bleeps

..fuckwit.

Banter.

'Damien day is also facing a potentially explosive situation.

'At short notice, he's been summoned to appear

'before an industry watchdog. The broadcasting ethics commission.'

well, mr day. Here we are again.

No doubt you can guess why we've asked to see you.

Oh, look, if it's about that blue Peter reunion thing,

I was not trying to entrap Valerie singleton into buying drugs.

I accidentally left my camera switched on...

No, it is not that.

We've had a complaint about the way you conducted a recent interview,

yet to be broadcast, from the interviewee.

A mr Leroy Jackson, currently on death row in Alabama.

I thought this might happen.

He wants the interview suppressed, doesn't he?

He told me more than he meant to and now he has got cold feet.

He told you more than he meant to

because you dressed as a catholic priest

and offered to take his last confession.

He's lying. Can you prove that?

Come on, who are you gonna believe? Me or a convicted murderer?

Well, I don't think we need to waste any more time with that question.

Now, the committee feels...

I can't believe you're going to uphold a complaint from a killer.

The man stabbed four...

Actually, it's not just him who's complained.

We have a letter from the prison governor in Alabama,

the American embassy have just sent us this fax,

and we're particularly concerned with this letter.

What dreadful handwriting. Yes. Yes, it is.

But his holiness is quite elderly.

Gus hums 'it's Thursday morning,

'and sir royston merchant's son, Roy junior,

'is expected at any moment with the dreaded new business plan.'

cork pops 'but the staff do have some

'good news to celebrate.

'George dent has won �60,000 on the midweek lottery.

'So, George's financial future seems secure, at least.'

I've never won anything before.

No, I tell a lie, I once won a tin of pork luncheon meat in a raffle.

I remember that because of the botulism business.

But, er... �60,000!

I haven't quite decided what to do with the money.

I think the important thing is not to get carried away.

I might just put it all in my post office savings account.

Though, obviously, with a windfall like this,

it is important to remember your special friends,

so I'll probably be giving quite a lot to the badger protection league.

Cheers.

'But Sally is not in a champagne mood.

'During a spot check of a local book shop,

'she's been unable to find a single copy of Diana: My special friend.'

I mean, your shelves are awash with ulrika bloody jonsson,

but where the hell's mine?

Well, I'm afraid we've had to remove your book from the shelves

what?! Well, you see, there have been

rather a lot of complaints from customers.

About what? A few things, actually,

but mainly the chapter where you explain how the princess told you

that she'd modelled herself on you.

And, of course, we do have to respond

to concerns expressed by the public.

Bugger the public!

What do the public know about anything?

They wear shell suits and eat processed cheese!

Well. Quite.

In actual fact, well, this is head office's decision.

I was actually rather disappointed because, well, you see...

I'm actually a massive fan of yours.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes. Yes. I've got a big poster of you on my wall at home.

A poster?

Mm. Just between Shirley bassey and Leonardo dicaprio.

'Back at globelink, a new problem has arrived.'

we've just received the verdict of the health and safety inspector.

And it is pretty damning.

Yes, though, I'm not sure it's totally fair.

I think she's allowed herself to be unduly influenced

by the fact that she fell down that open lift shaft.

Still, it's not all gloom.

George does have his �60,000.

Chuckling: Yes.

One with the tickets that was mine, but then I gave to him.

Hey, George? Yes.

Thank you, David. You've helped make a lot of badgers very happy.

God, I'll be pleased to see the back of these sneaky,

fly-on-the wall bastards. Yeah.

You know there's talk of them using hidden microphones.

They're also bloody punchable.

Especially the bald producer with the ponytail.

He looks like billiard ball with a bit of snot hanging off it.

Yeah. Ooh, by the way, the chemist rang.

Your bulk order of Viagra is ready for collection.

Right. Er... oh, thanks.

Any idea where they've hidden these microphones?

Well, I know there's one in this plant.

Yeah, well, I mean, I'm gonna have to do

a certain amount of reediting.

Globelink got an official slap across the wrists.

Formal warning.

And obviously, that letter from the pope didn't help.

Well, especially the bit where he...

..Where he, um...

..Excommunicated me.

Probably get quite a bit of stick from my mum about that.

'It's mid-morning, and the waiting is over.

'Roy merchant junior has arrived with the new business plan.'

a thousand welcomes and any graffiti you may see

is the work of fifth columnists for rival companies.

Right. Thank you.

Scattered, spiritless applause

'but there are some who do not feel like applauding.'

well, you think you know people, don't you?

I mean, you like to think that if someone had a bit of luck

because you gave them something

and that person knew you were in financial difficulties,

you'd like to think that they'd at least give you

a bit of financial assistance. But...

Laughs bitterly no, no, no, no.

No, that's when you discover that they're far more concerned

about the financial needs of a bunch of omnivorous stripy bog brushes.

Well, I've had it with George dent.

He just a greedy, selfish little shit.

Oh, it's terrific to have you with us, Roy, yes indeedy.

How is sir royston? Well, I'm so fond of him.

He's been like a father to me.

Well, I'm sure his been like a father to you, too.

Well, not like a father, he is your father, isn't he, let's face it?

I'm sure he has been both. Both like a father and actually your father.

Absolutely. Fantastic.

I'll convey your best wishes to my f-f-f-f-f-father.

Oh, 'ello. It's the man from Brock aid.

Been out shopping, have we? Buying them swimming pools?

Gold-plated hedgehog peelers?

Look, Dave, I know you've probably been thinking

I'm an ungrateful little git, but, um,

I'd like to give you this.

It's a cheque for �30,000.

Roughly the size of your gambling debt, isn't it?

Money might as well be doing something constructive.

George... I would have given it you earlier,

but I didn't want to embarrass you

in front of the cameras like you said I did before, so...

I'll, I'll catch you later.

'Another hour has passed.

'Staff are still waiting to hear

'what sir royston's son has in store.

'And they may well have a while to wait. Because the lift is stuck.'

won't be long now.

Oh, yes, my elite staff will have us out of here in no time.

They're all hand-picked, of course. Quality is the key to management.

One of the seven qs.

The seven qs, what are they?

Quality, and, um, quantity...

..And, um...

..Quiet confidence...

..And, er, finally...

..Questioning-ness.

That's six.

This lift's from Belgium.

'Meanwhile, George is fielding another problem.

'Sally smedley has been arrested in a book shop

'for shouting homophobic abuse at customers.'

yes, I'm sure she is making, "a bit of a fuss".

Liquid cosh?

Right.

Ok, thanks for your call, then, sergeant.

'It's 11:45, the lift has been fixed,

'and Roy merchant junior has called the staff together,

'to unveil globelink's future.'

can I just say...

Sorry for any stress caused by this unexpected visit.

I know how scary it can be to hear

that somebody's bringing news from my f-f-f-f-f-f-f...

Banging

..father.

Anyway, as you all know,

sir royston's global business interests

are undergoing a rapid rationalisation.

So, for globelink news to survive,

we've been forced to make certain cutbacks.

And... to cut to the chase...

I'm afraid we will have to trim the current workforce by...

72%.

What?! Gasps

72%?

We have to reassure the bankers, Gus.

How the hell do we lay off 72%?

Well, hopefully, a lot will go through the more painless route.

You know, people volunteering for early retirement.

Yeah, and after that?

Well, there may be enforced redundancies, yes.

Starting, I suppose, with the older members of staff.

So, finally, you got what you came for, 'ey?

Is this enough humiliation and pain for you?

There's a girl crying there, why don't you follow...

Why don't you follow her home? This evening.

You never know, perhaps you'll get lucky and she'll slash her wrists

and then everyone could watch at home as she bleeds to death,

live on corpvision.

You had a tipoff this was going to happen, didn't you?

Don't shake your head at me, billiard ball bonce!

You thought, "oh, whoopee!

"We could film the death throes of a company.

"What a sexy climax that would be."

Well, I've got an even better climax.

Producer grunts and do you want some?

Henry! Henry!

Shouting and commotion

give me that!

This is Henry Davenport, for globelink news.

Joy: Nice one, Henry!

I mean, I got the truth out of the man

who murdered this poor woman's family, didn't I?

And that's my job, isn't it?

Bloody pope!

Who does he think he is, 'ey? Woman on screen: It's been, er...

Just some pole in a frock. Oh, god.

Actually, this is really helping to talk to you like this, rabbi.

Damien: Yes. Um, there's no need to call me rabbi.

'I'm a progressive.' Oh.

And out at...

20 seconds before that.

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