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until we know what we are signing up for,

we in the government reserve our position

in the interest of the nation.

But, minister, let me press you on this,

are you personally in favour

of Britain joining the European single currency?

As I said, Henry, the government's policy is quite clear...

Yes, but you personally, where do you stand?

Personal opinions are not the issue here, Henry.

If I may say so, the real question is

how divided the labour party is on the...

No, minister, no.

The real question is the one I asked.

Are you personally in favour

of Britain joining the European single currency?

12 words, all English.

Er, many of them one syllable.

I'll be happy to explain any that are beyond you.

Chuckles anxiously

I'm quite capable of understanding what you...

Then answer the fucking question, mole features!

Then we can all go home for a drink.

Or in your case, off to shag that prozzy in pimlico.

I'm... this is outrageous! I'm terribly sorry, minister.

It won't be shown, of course.

I am not used to being abused like that.

I thought that's why you went to pimlico!

Please accept our apologies, minister.

Sally smedley will now take over the interview.

Sally smedley?

Don't worry, I'm a seasoned political interviewer.

Very well.

Producer: Ready, Sally? Three, two, one.

So, minister,

the man in the street is probably most worried about tax,

so tell me,

will there be any tax breaks for people with live-in maids?

Great entertainment, Henry, but what got into you?

Have you been drinking?

I don't have to be drunk to abuse a little shitewit like him.

You'd get more sense out of a gmtv sofa.

Hello, everyone!

How'd it go at the hospital? Very, very well.

I've got a stomach ulcer.

You all thought I was imagining it,

but I do have a real, recognised, diagnosed medical condition.

So you've got a proper illness! Exactly.

And you know what this means,

all those other diseases that you thought I was imagining,

Creutzfeldt-Jakob's disease, crohn's disease, weil's disease,

athlete's foot, smallpox. I could have any of those.

George, smallpox has been eradicated from the planet.

You see, you just never take me seriously!

Nice suit, Dave.

What is it? Wedding, funeral?

Or someone's husband off on a course?

I thought I'd ask Gus for a rise.

Good idea. Yeah?

And while you're at it, why not ask for a promotion? Do you reckon?

And perhaps for an end to world poverty and hunger?

Yeah, funny.

You tell me how I'm gonna get out of debt

now that they've started a mid-week lottery?

I'm months behind on my rent. I've got to try.

Gus? Gus gasps

Dave. Bad dream?

Yes, I keep getting the same one.

Not sir roysten and the red hot poker again?

No, no, no. I don't get that one so much these days.

Dave, tell me...

Have you ever been troubled by a recurring dream

of a sexual nature...

..Involving ladies?

Of course. Perfectly normal for men to dream about women like that.

Oh, I see.

Is it normal to dream that you're being lashed naked

to a bedstead with sellotape?

There's nothing particularly odd about that.

By a woman wearing a leopard mask?

It's exotic, but...

Who turns out to be Gillian Shephard?

Ok, you've got a problem.

This is the dream you keep having, yeah?

No, no, no. That was last year.

The dream I keep getting now, night after night, is different.

Please! Please! I'll give you anything you want.

My life will be over.

Oh, sod you.

Who was that?

Selfridges.

They've run out of buzz lightyear dolls.

Chloe's gonna kill me.

Is this worth anything?

Scientists have worked out exactly when the star of Bethlehem appeared

and Christmas should fall much later.

I agree.

The traffic is always so bad at this time of year!

Ah. Oh...

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

Ok, George?

It's ok, Helen. I just put up with it.

Good night, Henry.

And when you want me to rescue you

from your next catastrophically embarrassing interview,

just let me know.

My dear, I would rather watch Bernard manning

having sex with a dead wildebeest!

Now sod off, you old slag!

Henry, I am not putting up with this, you can go too far.

Oh, I shall!

Indeed, I shall.

I'm chained to a wall in a dungeon in just my underpants.

Suddenly, the door creaks open and this monk walks in,

carrying a huge knife.

He walks towards me, takes off his cloak

and he's a woman.

A half-naked woman licking her lips.

And reaching out her hand towards... towards my y-fronts.

She then... she then...

Well, don't stop there! Who is this woman anyway?

I can't say. I can't...

I can't say, all right?! I don't know... Gus?

Helen says can you approve these expenses?

Yes, they're fine.

You haven't even looked at them. No. They're definitely fine.

Joy groans

joy?

I can't get enough sleep. I haven't slept for three nights.

Dave, you know about these things.

If you helped me, I'd be grateful.

Financially grateful.

Gus, erm, would I be correct in assuming you are a virgin?

Well, look, I'm no psychiatrist, but it seems pretty clear to me

that you've been bottling up your libido all these years,

and now it's bursting out of you in this volcanic eruption.

How do I stop the dreams about... joy?

Well, seems to me that you'll keep having them until...

Until what?

Until, well, you have sex.

With joy?

No, no! Don't be absurd.

No, I mean, sex with someone else.

I couldn't do that. It'd be embarrassing.

We'd have to take our clothes off. No, no, not necessarily.

And all that sweat, and flesh and bits. Eurgh!

So do you want to keep having these dreams?

No, I couldn't do it.

Could I?

I'll have a large bushmills, a large macallan's

and a large Napoleon.

And to follow those, I'll have a... a coma?

Henry?

How did you know I was here?

They faxed us the bill for last night.

Don't you remember?

You tried to drink the tropical fish tank.

Oh, I wondered why I woke up with that dead guppy up my nostril.

Henry, I'm used to you being irresponsible,

ill-tempered, offensive and drunk,

but this week, you have reached new heights.

That's very kind of you, my dear.

But it's making life in the office impossible.

I won't stand for it.

I'm going to put an end to your fun and games.

I think you'll find, my dear, that god's beaten you to it.

Well, what's that supposed to mean?

You're not saying that you're...? Dying. Oh, yes.

Dr penhaligon saw me. Nice man, very civilised.

"Bad news, mr Davenport, your heart condition is inoperable."

It's possible I could hang on for two years,

but only two years of intolerable suffering. I...

There are things that they can give you for the pain.

It's not the pain.

I'd have to give up alcohol, cigars, rich food. And sex.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

Haven't you finished yet?

I find it rather difficult to, erm, with someone.

God, men! Oh, you silly old fool.

So you're indulging in a massive excess of all the things

that you know are going to kill you.

How long have you been doing this? About 45 years.

And a few days.

Henry, I really don't think this is the way. I know.

I'll regret it in the morning. Don't get upset.

All I ask is that you don't tell any of the others. Ok.

Before I go, there is...

Well, there is just one thing I'd like to give you. What?

Oh, don't be disgusting! Come on, I'll take you home.

Try thinking of niagara falls.

I didn't sleep a wink.

I'm going to have to try to... you know.

All right, erm, look, a pub or a nightclub is the place to start.

A lot of women will be drunk, which is always good.

But if they're drunk,

they won't be able to get a clear opinion of what I'm like.

Like I said, drunk is good.

It's also worth looking out for a woman

who's quarrelled with her husband and wants to spite him.

No trouble the morning after.

That is almost as good as the "it's my birthday

"and I'm frightened I'm no longer attractive shag".

Usually a touch of desperation about those, so the sex is better.

This, erm, this sex is very different

from what happens in cliff Richard's films, then?

Morning, George. How are you?

Oh, I don't want to talk about it.

Now, listen! Now, listen, everyone.

Tonight, I'm inviting you all to xanadu.

8:30, big party, I'm paying for everything,

and I want you all there, hmm?

Well, obviously, I can't go. Not in my condition.

Well, I'm not going. Me, neither.

Well, I'm watching a documentary about leeches.

Well, I think we should all go. It'll be a great laugh, won't it?

Not in my condition, it won't. Just bloody shut up, George.

We are all going to go.

No, we are not. Yes, we are. Because...

..Henry is dying.

He has a terminal heart complaint.

Now, don't tell him that I told you.

Dave'll be upset. Well, he needn't know.

No-one else need know,

but let's make sure that there's a good turnout for his party, eh?

Henry dying?

It's just so hard to take in.

Yeah. Dreadful.

Really very upsetting.

And I bet it sets off my ulcer!

So, tell me...

Tell me, what do you do?

Cockney accent: I'm a model.

Fascinating.

Now, step it up a gear.

You're very attractive.

You have lovely eyes, like blu... tack.

And your hair is lovely, the way it catches the light.

You've got a nice arse as well.

Gus...

What's going on? In what sense?

Come in, come in! Champagne for everyone!

I'd like a Brandy in mine. I'm not sure I'm ready.

Maybe I'll just wait for those virtual reality machines

to get a bit more advanced, eh?

Look, you want those dreams to stop, don't you?

Now, come on, pick someone. Right. Right.

Hello. What do you do?

I work for globelink.

At least I did till this afternoon when you sacked me. Terrific.

Oh, what are you doing now?

Oh, I just seem to have got my thumb caught

in the neck of this wine bottle.

But don't you worry about me.

Helen? Sally has just been nice to me.

That can only mean one thing, she knows I'm dying.

Sorry, Henry. Well, I'm not really bothered.

I'm leaving this planet in a glorious excess

of carousal and arousal!

So... what do you do?

I'm president of the bundesbank. What does it look like?

All right, Gus? Er, yes.

Hello there, joy. Feeling ok now?

Absolutely. Terrific. Well, I mustn't hold you up.

You go and get yourself a nice arse of champagne.

Glass of champagne!

Must dash! See you in a stiffy.

All right, charnley, what is going on?

Oh, this is horrible. He's just trying to kill himself.

Well, I think he has the right to choose how he goes.

It's better than gradually falling to bits,

losing control of all your vital functions.

Still alive, but all your firm, young muscle tone slowly decaying,

rotting, putrefying,

until your skin becomes a sack of black and green slime

with your organs sloshing around inside it,

like overripe cabbages.

Or at least that's what I think, anyway.

Ow!

I seem to have cut myself on this wine glass.

Hurts a bit.

Don't suppose it's going to go gangrenous, or anything.

Right, George, you've got to stop this.

Since we discovered about Henry, you've put a staple in your finger,

burnt your nose drinking a cup of coffee

and had a pencil sharpener stuck in one ear.

Are you implying that I am doing this deliberately?

No, George, subconsciously.

He scoffs I'm as upset as anyone.

Yes, I know, but now all the attention's on Henry,

somewhere deep in your psyche,

you're finding ways of drawing attention back to you.

I've never heard such balderdash!

Right, hedges, I am warning you!

If I appear in your dreams one more time taking off your underpants,

you are dead!

Now, I am going to have to wash. I feel soiled.

He groans

bollocks. Still alive.

I have to say, David, you've let me down rather badly.

You think an evening of sexual initiation for your boss

would be easy enough to organise.

Dave clears his throat I'd like you to meet Anthea.

Oh...

What do you do? Whatever you want.

Anthea's a pro... Professional sex counsellor.

Would you like to come home with me?

No. Excuse me.

Look, the choice is between a lifetime of sleepless nights

racked with terrifying dreams,

or a night of wild sexual pleasure with a beautiful woman.

Well, I'm not sure. Just get your coat!

Tory party conference, 1985, hmm?

Henry?

I know we've had our differences over the years,

but I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your news.

It won't be the same without you. Oh.

By the way, if Gus should try and replace me with Nicholas witchell,

I hear that the poor chap is a tiny bit sensitive

about being short, freckled and ginger.

You can rely on me.

And the sooner you kick the bucket the better!

Oh, leave me alone, roboslut! Oh, just stop it, you two.

Ow!

No, please, it's ok.

Don't mind me. It's nothing, really.

Crash, glass smashes

I'm ok!

I don't want any attention!

Now, Gus, have I explained everything ok?

Well, it all sounds a bit heath Robinson to me.

Don't worry.

God knew what he was doing, and so do I.

Gus gasps

now, I want you to put your hand on my breast.

Right.

I think it would help if you opened your eyes.

Right, right. Yes.

Look, Gus, there is no need to worry.

All you're going to do is put a bit of your anatomy

inside a bit of my anatomy.

She sighs Gus?

Gus? What happened?

You fainted.

She sighs

you fainted with pleasure

after we had sex.

Really?

I can't remember anything.

That's how good it was! So...

I've done it? Congratulations, tiger.

He chuckles

oh, there's nothing to it, really, is there?

I've decided to leave all my money to charity.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

When I finally go, I want to be able to imagine

the little bit of good I've done in this world.

Morning, Sally. Morning, Henry. Morning, pervo.

Morning, joy!

He chuckles

phwoar! You don't get many of those for the kilo, eh?

So you did it, then? Yes.

And I kept my underpants on.

Listen, Gus, there was something I meant to ask you,

my pay hasn't gone up for three years...

I think we should be able to match minds on that one, David.

Come into my work area in a couple of minutes.

I just need to check out this baywatch calendar first.

How's it hanging, Henry, eh?

That's right.

I wanted the �15,000 transferred straightaway.

What are you doing?

Just seeing what the opposition are running.

Officials today revealed that a man posing as a cardiologist

may have treated more than 50 patients.

And you've transferred the deeds of my house, too?

In each case, John penhaligon, calling himself dr penhaligon,

told the patients that they had only a short time to live.

It is now being launched into how penhaligon, a former mental patient,

was able to pass himself off as a qualified doctor.

Henry! You've transferred all the money?

Oh, that's splendid. Yeah. Many thanks.

Well, you can't take it with you, can you?

What?

Groans

no.

Gus...

No. No!

Gus?

About this rise... get out!

Get out, you brazen hussy!

So, Henry, bad news for air hostesses. What?

I understand you're going to live. Simon, sorry about last week.

Producer: 15 seconds.

Erm, so, off the record,

is the government going to survive till may?

Oh, come off it, Henry.

We've no majority, we're screwed over Europe,

we have a twat as a leader.

It's going to be a bloody shambles.

Ok, recording in three, two, one.

So, minister, is the government going to survive till may?

Absolutely, Henry.

We're tough on Europe, we have a fine leader,

we're in terrific shape.

But you only just scraped by in the fishery vote last night, minister,

surely, you're going to have to buy off the unionists more and more?

Buy off is not worthy of you, Henry.

We are simply going to protect the ulster fishermen's rights.

Or to catch halibut, cod and catholics?

That's enough!

I thought you were only behaving like that

because you thought you were dying.

I don't have to be dying to hate a little craphead like you.

I'm off to xanadu!

Oh...

Anyone lend me a tenner, hmm?

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