Original subtitles

Morning, Sally. Good weekend?

Oh, you know. The usual madcap social whirl.

Oh, really? What did you get up to, then?

Well, when your social whirl whirls as fast as mine, George,

it's hard to pick out one highlight.

It's just a blaze of colour and excitement.

She stayed in... ate cold baked beans...

..And watched the shopping channel.

Do we have to put up with this concerto

for hooter and bodily fluids?

I'm sorry, but can't do it in my office, can I?

Oh, yeah.

Anyone know how long dr bonkers is gonna be with us?

He's not a doctor, he's an industrial psychologist.

Just because sir roysten got fogbound at Heathrow

and fancied a change from Catherine cookson,

we've got to put up with a load of Californian psychobabble.

It's bollocks!

This is the same bloke that they sent in to send out

merchant foods incorporated limited.

You know, where they sacked the chief executive.

Ohh!

On the other hand, there could be something in it.

Now, our lunchtime lead had better be the budget.

Is the chancellor planning a pre-election giveaway

or a steady-as-she-goes budget to keep the city happy?

Mm, or is he gonna do the honest thing and say

Gordon brown will be doing this job in six months' time,

so I'm going to leave a steaming, great dump on his doorstep?

I think we should lead with the really big story of the week,

le Dante nouveau est arrive!

Wow! Ooh.

You've brought in some home-made wine.

Yes, dandelion and turnip. My first vintage.

Anybody got a corkscrew?

Joy, look, has anyone been asking for me?

You know, ringing up out of the blue?

What is it this time, husband in the cosa nostra?

Something like that. Let me see.

Access, visa, American express, William hill and no nose Charlie.

So just the usual, then. Good.

What is it now?

Look, it's just a little local bother which,

if you don't mind, I'd rather not discuss.

I'll be in the meeting room.

More details on the merger between shell and British gas.

Well, that's good news for Nigerians.

Now they'll all get a little card saying,

"sorry, while you were out, we relocated your village."

Any more for any more?

Well, there is something that I heard this morning.

It's just a rumour for the moment,

but it might be worth keeping an eye on.

Apparently, princess di has got a new fella.

Oh, please!

No-one with two brain cells to rub together

would be interested in that.

Who is it?

Ah! Well, that's the vaguely interesting bit.

Smeggsy at news of the screws reckons that this one

is a TV journalist she met at a party.

Really? Big deal.

TV journalist? That's odd. Oh, I don't know.

Some of us are high-speed pulling machines.

No, Dave wanted me to order him a cab this morning,

but it wasn't to his place. Well, there's a surprise.

Yeah, but, he wouldn't give me the address.

He just wanted the cab to pick him up on the corner of gloucester mews.

I know gloucester mews.

That's round the back of Kensington pal...

All: Nah!

Mind you, when you think about it, James gilbey, James Hewitt,

will carling...

The noble tradition of men with their brains between their legs.

Dave would just about complete the set.

Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.

Look, besides, we should ignore it.

People are always making up absurd rumours about Diana.

Last week, she was supposed to be seeing Freddie trueman.

Well, I still say there's something in that.

Now, let's just get on.

What have we got on lord mackay's visit to strasbourg?

Be a sexy, little scoop for us, though, eh?

Globelink journo in palace love match.

Yes, though, of course, it wouldn't be the first time.

I was once romantically linked to a royal name.

Yes, but that was the royal artillery.

So, George, how are we gonna follow it up?

We're not. The whole notion is ludicrous.

Helen's right.

Look, we've got an awful lot to get through.

Can we please crack on?

Couldn't be Dave, could it? George...

Give me one good reason why not. I'm sorry, but...

Of course, I wouldn't expect a layman to grasp the details,

but what I do, essentially, is a combination of questionnaires

and face-to-face interviews from which I compile my report.

Report?

A full psychometric survey on which your board of directors

can base their future decisions.

Oh, I see. What, like, promotion?

That's it. Or dismissal.

Joke, mr hedges.

Oh, right. Humour. Terrific.

You're not worried about this report, are you?

Of course not. Then perhaps you should be.

A common cause of workplace dysfunction

is the overconfident manager. You don't have to tell me that.

Now, my first job is to find out if any of your staff

are unduly authoritarian.

You see, the bully-victim cycle leads to the stifling of initiative.

Knock at door

excuse me, I just wondered if I... not now, George.

But... shouting: I said not now!

Sorry.

Joke. Right.

Helen, I was wondering if you can help me?

A friend, one of my many friends,

was confiding in me about how she's feeling lonely and a bit desperate.

I thought you might know of some helplines she could ring.

Well, I suppose the samaritans would be her best bet.

Do you know their number?

0-3-4-5 90-90-90.

By the way, Henry, the ulster unionists have said

they will bring down this government only under certain circumstances,

so I don't see much point in going up to David trimble

in the restaurant and shouting,

"what the bloody hell are you waiting for?"

Damien, how are you doing on those budget predictions?

Dave was at this charity thing last night. Diana was there.

He could have met her then. Oh, for god's sake...

All I'm saying is it's possible.

He's got the opportunity, he's got the motive.

And he's got the weapon.

Take your glasses, one and all.

Now, I'll give you a toast. To friendship.

Friendship.

Perhaps it needs to breathe a little.

Breathe? It should have been strangled at birth!

What's this, drinking on duty?

It's George's home-made wine.

Although, I have seen a better colour in a catheter bag.

It's only one glass, Gus. You know, a bit of office bonding.

Oh, right. Office bonding. Terrific.

It's delicious!

Here, try some.

No, thank you. Oh, bit of bonding, eh?

No, thanks.

Oh, come on. One glass won't do you any harm.

I said no. Thank you.

Carry on, mr hedges.

Sally smedley, anchorwoman. Hello.

I understand you're a trained psychologist.

It must be a bit depressing constantly having to listen

to the problems of sad, little people.

Not at all. It's not my job to get depressed,

it's my job to help people see themselves as they really are.

Oh, I see.

But isn't it the case that some of us...

..These people have such dark forces lurking within them

that they're beyond help? Certainly not.

Who told you that?

No, I've never encountered a problem I couldn't overcome.

So, Dave, my old mate, good weekend? Yes, thanks.

Good party last night? What's going on here?

Nothing. Just wondered what you'd been up to.

Ok, in case I didn't make myself clear,

my private life is exactly that.

Ha! That from the man who put those polaroids of Barry Fowler's wife

out on the Internet.

Come on, we know joy sent a cab round to Kensington.

Oh, I don't need this.

Ohh! Raw nerve! Did you see that?

We're definitely onto something.

That doesn't prove anything.

And besides, you should respect his privacy.

Bollocks! We're journalists.

But it's not as if Dave's a public figure.

Not yet. That's where we come in.

Now, listen, I want you to let this drop, is that clear?

George, is there any more of your wine left?

I just put the bottles in the office.

Did you like it, then? Good god, no.

But it's excellent for taking off the last of this nail varnish.

And this brings us onto the question of your emotional hinterland.

Your questionnaire was most revealing.

Long hours, sandwich at the desk for lunch, always in bed by ten.

Always.

And you are completely teetotal. Oh, yes.

Well, to tell you the truth,

I did once have what you might call a problem.

You might have heard some lurid stories about my drinking

in the past. No, I can't say I have, no.

All that matters is that you've beaten it.

And you'll keep beating it.

One day at a time, eh?

Tell me, mr Davenport, when did you last take a holiday?

Oh, I don't have holidays.

But all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

But Jack doesn't work for Gus hedges.

So you feel that mr hedges drives you too hard.

Oh, um... no, I've said too much.

Tell you what I'm gonna do, mr Davenport,

I'm gonna recommend that the company gives you a spot of paid leave

so you can unwind.

Well, if you insist.

Perhaps I could go to a monastery.

If you like.

But my recommendation is that you learn to live a little.

Take a Caribbean cruise.

I couldn't possibly! Nonsense.

I'll get globelink to pay for the tickets.

Hi.

What are you up to?

I was just going over the sound dub for my special report

on motorway madness.

Still? I thought you'd finished that ages ago.

Yeah, I just reckon it needs a few more squelches.

Let's have a listen, shall we?

Dave on phone: 'I'm trying to speak to mr marsden, please.

'It's David charnley here, globelink news.'

now, I know this probably seems a bit and orthodox...

You're listening to his telephone calls.

I'm going straight to Gus about this!

Any luck yet? Oh!

Right, well, in that case, I shall go and tell sir roysten.

Why should sir roysten worry? Because he's a born again Christian.

No, I think he's a Buddhist now.

No, that was just for tax reasons.

We have no business doing this.

I've got the photos from the printers.

Terrific!

There he is behind Diana.

That's not Dave. No, there.

Flicking the v sign at Jeffrey archer.

Oh, my god, it is Dave.

Good work, scoops!

Well, that doesn't prove anything. It just means he was there.

Are there any pictures of people leaving?

Interested now!

No, I just want to put this nonsense to bed. Rest.

Quick, quick, quick.

Yeah, here we go.

Usual routine.

Tears, pleading, recriminations.

It's his bank manager again.

Tell me, do you ever feel mr hedges puts you under too much pressure?

Well... have you ever had any stress-related illness, for example?

Oh, dear.

I don't want to bore you. It's all right, George.

I'm a professional. We've got all the time in the world.

Well, in that case, when I was a little boy...

? Whoa, we're going to Barbados! ?

Now, our prisons in crisis piece.

Overcrowding at record levels, prison governors more pissed off

than their prisoners. Oh, it's all very ominous.

Oh, look, Helen, it's all perfectly simple.

Let out all those whose sentences have been wrongly calculated...

All those who have been wrongly convicted...

..And those on remand waiting to be wrongly convicted.

End of crisis.

But the courts are clogged up with a record number of cases.

Most of them featuring Michael bloody Howard!

In fact, if you locked him up, you'd solve all the problems in one go!

Anyway, it appears that somehow my body had become addicted to

barium meal. Yes, thank you.

I can't help wondering if this is somehow linked to the mucus build-up

in my nose which I thought might be caused by some form

of nasal verruca.

Thank you, mr dent. Some other time, perhaps.

Henry. Mm.

You're a good friend of Dave's.

What if I told you that Damien is tapping his phone?

I say it was underhand, immoral and probably illegal.

Anything juicy come up? I thought you'd be on Dave's side!

Oh, I am. But you can't help taking an interest, can you?

I mean, this thing between him and Diana,

it's going on my club like wildfire.

Where did this rumour spring from? Oh, let's see.

I got it from paxo, paxo said he got it from dimbleby,

dimbleby got it from dempster, and dempster got it from...

Actually, I think it was me!

And with all these snatched sexual encounters,

I suppose, deep down, perhaps I'm looking for mr right.

I once met a very nice plumber from stoke.

Then there was the welder from wolverhampton,

and a pair of brothers who ran their own haulage business.

It was quite an afternoon.

Oh, it's such a relief to be able to talk in confidence about these

faceless, animalistic couplings with someone who's a professional

and you know won't be shocked.

I think I'm suffering from a form of self-hatred, really.

I'm addicted to sordid, demeaning sex.

But then I suppose we're all addicted to something, aren't we?

Yes, right.

Well, miss smedley, when you told me that you wanted to talk about

a dark and depressing problem...

Oh, no, I haven't got onto that.

Another thing we can do, track down all his only girlfriends.

Good. Then we can be up and running while the opposition

are still in the changing room tying their shoelaces.

You never give up, do you? Oh, look at the evidence.

We know he was at Kensington palace Sunday night.

We know we got a taxi from there Monday morning,

and to cap it all, he's been acting guilty ever since.

Well, of course he has. He's Dave.

I just don't think the story is true.

Well, what is truth, Helen?

One man's truth is another man's... untruth.

All right, if it's true, how come every news organisation

in the country isn't beating a path to our door?

Phone rings

yeah. Dave, daily star.

They wanna ask you about some party at Kensington palace.

Right. Don't talk to them.

Whatever they offer, I'll top it.

Within reason, of course. What is this?

I told you to stay out of my private life.

Oh, suit yourself. It isn't us who owes the bank 15 grand.

Who told you that?

You did. Yesterday, didn't he?

Yes, indeedy. I remember it as if it were yesterday.

Just a minute.

You've been bugging my phone. Um... a bit.

What for?

If you wanted to know something, why didn't you just ask me?

All right. Who did you sleep with on Sunday night?

Piss off! I rest my case!

Who I slept with justifies this intrusion, does it?

They think it was princess di.

Princess di?

Thank you for that, Sally.

Could somebody get me a glass of water, please?

Mr charnley, I'm ready to see you now.

Right, talk to you later.

Well, I think you should be ashamed of yourselves.

It's horrible being spied on.

I was followed around for three weeks in the '70s

by special branch.

What for? Mistaken identity.

They thought I was Carlos the jackal.

Easily done, really.

Oh, there's a hole in my cardigan.

So, mr charnley... what?

Are you all right? You look a little persecuted.

Well, so would you be if your colleagues were bugging your phone

and the daily star was after you and god knows who else.

I see. Do you often get the sense that people are out to get you?

They are out to get me! Of course they are.

Look, it was all a silly misunderstanding.

You see, I went to a charity party and got chatting with princess Diana

and then, well, it's all completely ridiculous...

Oh, no, no. It's an extremely common fantasy.

It's not a fantasy.

Believe me, delusional encounters with members of the royal family...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's no need to patronise me.

And what gives you the right to ask these questions anyway?

I'm a professional... oh, right.

So professional that you allowed Henry Davenport,

well-known boozer and shag merchant,

to con you into giving him a free holiday.

I am a trained psychologist... Trained? With what?

A third class sociology degree from luton polytechnic.

That's enough.

Listen, before you start mucking around in other people's lives,

I suggest you take a look at yours. I bet you've got some hidden secret.

Just be careful that it doesn't creep up behind you one day

and bite you in the arse. I said that's enough.

This interview is over. Suits me.

And anyway, it was keele university.

Phone rings

Dave charnley's phone. Hello?

Whispering: Come on, come on, come on.

Inhales sharply

where'd you think you're going?

To fetch my wine. Can't it wait?

No, not really. They just discovered this ants nest in the canteen.

I don't want Jones disturbed. Dave's upset him enough already.

He's been in there for hours now writing the report

that will stand as my epitaph. Oh, no, we've already written that.

It's just two words.

Oi, I want a word with you.

I just answered your phone, the other person hung up.

So I used the call-back facility and who should answer

but Kensington palace.

You did what? I...

I, er... you used the call-back facility.

Yes, and with very good reason because I'm...

Ooh, I'm, er... Because you're nosy.

Yes, I'm nosy. I'm sorry.

Now, look, are you screwing Diana or not?

All right, listen, since you all find my private life so fascinating,

why don't you gather round with your notebooks

and we'll see if we can make the evening news.

I went to a party at Kensington palace.

I met a woman there.

We had a one night stand.

She is not Diana.

So why all the secrecy?

Scared of the husband? Father. Scares the shit out of me.

Well, what is he, a drug baron or something?

Worse. He's a bank manager.

A very old-fashioned, presbyterian bank manager.

Of your bank. Yes.

Who you owe 15,000...

872.92 pence at close of business on Friday, yes.

Well, why didn't you just tell us?

We can keep a secret. What?

This place runs on gossip. That is a vicious slander.

You're just a collection of sad, stunted inadequates

with no real lives of your own,

so you're forced to live them through other people.

Slurs: I couldn't have put it better myself.

In all my years as an industrial psychologist,

I have never met such a hopeless, disturbed group of head cases.

Hypochondriacs, emotionally-crippled bullies,

and a woman gets her sexual thrills

by getting strangers to do things with swarfega.

When I tell sir roysten what's been going on here,

he won't just close the place down, he'll turn it into a nursing home.

Well, since you feel so strongly about it,

why don't we go into my office and phone sir roysten now.

So you can tell him exactly what you think

in your own distinctive, articulate way.

Yeah, right. I bloody will.

I'll put the fat, old bastard straight.

Oh, yes, he'll enjoy that.

So, Dave, you don't want to get on the wrong side of your bank manager.

You're not gonna see his daughter again, are you?

No. Well, I couldn't even if I wanted to.

Why not?

Last night, I slept with her mother.

How's the budget piece looking, Henry? Ok?

You bet your bun, sweetpea.

Frankly, I don't care what he's done with booze,

I'll be getting mine duty free on my luxury cruise.

Dream on, Henry. You've been sussed. But...

Clark was marvellous, wasn't he? Impenetrable!

All that stuff about restrained growth of earnings.

That means slave labour. You didn't help him with his speech, did you?

Look, he's managed to cut 1p off income tax

and maintain fiscal tightness. Meaning?

Well, loose fiscals aren't as good as tight ones.

What I don't understand is, he says the lower paid

benefit most from lower taxes.

So why doesn't he just make more people lower paid?

Then they'd be better off. You did help him.

What the hell were all those gags

about bubblegum-flavoured alcopops and whether tolstoy

wrote the tax legislation?

He said he was a man of the world, he didn't say which one.

Well, I think he's an exceptional politician.

He certainly is.

Every time you see him, he's with the same woman.

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