Original subtitles

Sally: The twilight years can be hard.

Especially for women.

Their loved ones departed, they can face an uncertain future.

And all too often with little money to support them.

But the national sponsor a senior citizen scheme

is changing all that.

For a modest monthly donation,

you can bring a little sunshine into their lives.

So, call now.

This is Sally smedley asking you to sponsor a senior citizen today

and give someone like Edith a smile.

Well, now I've seen everything.

Saint Sally, queen of colostomy bags.

How much did they bung you for that? I did it for free.

It was a very worthwhile cause, helping the aged and the infirm.

I'd have thought you'd be grateful.

Ah, now, then, now, then, no long faces.

Ok, who wants coffee? I'm in the chair.

God, look at him!

He's as happy as a transvestite in Dorothy Perkins!

He's happy because he's engaged to be married.

Aren't you, David? He's off his bloody chump.

Hello, Gus.

Hello.

Jenny.

Jenny!

George, this is Jenny...

Jenny.

For years, she was my secre...

Assist...

Second-line reserve support at merchant chemicals.

Very pleased to meet you.

So, what brings you here, Jenny? Work.

Oh, I'm sorry, but we have a full complement of secre...

Assist... backup.

Oh. Well, I'll just have to run the place, then.

They all chuckle

this is from sir royston.

Authorising me to run the rule over globelink.

Clear out any deadwood.

He chuckles

you mean sir royston chose you to...?

Yes, little old me.

You see, after I worked for you, I did the company mba scheme.

I spent a few years at the New York office.

Then, when we were sunbathing

on sir royston's yacht a couple of weeks ago,

he asked me to just come in and examine your operations.

So, here I am, with you as my second-line reserve support.

Ironic, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Damien, can you nip out tomorrow and do some vox pops on caning?

Sorry, no can do.

I'm meeting someone who says he knows

where bse-infected cattle really end up.

We already know. They end up running English rugby.

Here's that nhs research you wanted, George.

That was quick.

I must say, Julie's certainly made a big difference to you.

I know. I can't wait to be married to her.

Oh, Dave.

After all those years of being terrified of commitment,

where's mr panic attack now, hey?

Where's mr run a mile?

Mr sorry, I've been posted to Venezuela?

All those fears about tying yourself down to just the same woman

for the next 40 years.

About being trapped in the terrible drudgery of domesticity.

You silly.

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm very happy.

Oh, look, Henry, your daughter's here (!)

Sally, isn't that the woman from your old lady ad?

Oh, yes, so it is.

Hello!

How lovely to see you again!

Just wanted to come and thank you.

You putting yourself out like that was very important to us.

It was important to me, too, Edith.

My granny was my whole world.

She meant everything to me.

She's not with us any more, but...

Oh, I don't know, maybe this was my way

of giving back a little of the love with which I was so blessed.

Bleugh!

That's lovely, dear.

Isn't she a marvel?

She should be given a medal.

Yeah, posthumously.

Well, bye-bye, then, dear.

Bye-bye, Edith.

Knocking on the door

Dave!

God, is that the time? I was lucky to find you up.

The thing is, erm...

I've been thinking this over and over and over and over...

You're getting married,

but now you're not sure you're doing the right thing.

Yes.

George said... oh, you listened to George?

The mystic Meg of marital advice (!)

Yeah, but he made me think.

I mean, what if Julie's not the one?

I mean, how do you ever really know? Well...

I thought you were the one once, and you weren't.

I could be wrong again. If...

I mean, what if I just think she's the only one for me,

when, actually, the real only one is somewhere else?

By the time I've realised that

there's another woman I'm supposed to be with,

she could have gone off with some other man,

thinking he's her only one.

Not knowing that she's my only one because I'm happily living

with this woman I'm supposed to be in love with when...

Hang on, I've lost myself now.

The thing is, I don't think I can risk it, can I?

No. I'll call off the engagement.

Listen, what are you so scared of?

I'm scared of letting someone get so close, they'll see the real me

and discover this is actually all there is.

Especially when they may not be the one for me after all.

I mean, how do you know? What if the real only one is somewhere else?

By the time I've... Have I said this already?

So, what?

You carry on and end up as a 70-year-old,

pushing Henry round nightclubs in his bath chair, pulling tea ladies

and desperately trying to have sex on your stairlift.

Now, come on, you like a bet.

Take a chance!

Yeah, you're right.

Oh, this is great!

The love match of the millennium.

Thank you, Helen.

How do I know she'll be faithful?

Oh, god!

She says she wants a committed relationship.

But that's what I always say.

And she's been married before.

So, at some time, he must have been her one true love.

She's unreliable. I can't risk it! Oh, my god, I've been blind!

I'm calling it off! Oh, for god's sake!

Now, you either carry on with the puerile life you've been leading,

or you grow up.

Now, you love her, so you do it.

I'll do it. I'll do it.

Oh, yes, this'll be the bestest marriage you ever saw!

I know. And I'm very happy for you.

Now piss off out of my flat.

Damien: Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh!

Hello.

Damien day. Globelink news.

I know.

So, er, you're gonna dish the dirt on bse?

Not exactly.

A few years back, you did a report on my brother.

Oh, yes?

It was a complete con.

You stitched him up big time. Remember?

Could you be more specific?

My brother did five years because of you.

Yeah, look, I'm sorry, but I have nothing to say to...

Oh... bugger!

Back again?

I made you this as a thank you.

God, it's uncannily accurate.

A sickly face covering a very thick sponge.

Thank you so much.

And I wonder if I could ask a favour.

Would you record a message for beryl at the day centre?

She starts wearing her surgical stockings tomorrow,

so she'll need cheering up, and you're her favourite newsreader.

Oh! After moira Stuart, of course.

Of course.

Hello, beryl.

I hope your veins stop leaking soon.

And if you wouldn't mind, there's just a few more that I...

No! Look, I'm sorry, I've got to go and... rehearse.

Yes, it's only eight hours till the evening bulletin.

Can I do that for you, dear? Yeah, all right.

Now you'll see our top-flight centre of news excellence in action.

What's the filling in today's scoop sandwich, chief?

Well, we're going to lead on this sanctions-busting story.

A British firm selling arms to Libya.

Now, George, I'm not here.

But we don't want to find ourselves

in a hoddle picks gascoigne situation.

Because I happen to know those goods were supplied in good faith

and for entirely peaceful purposes.

Oh, come on, gussie!

Sir royston's own arms company

supplied a radar missile detection system.

Yes. And sir royston checked personally

and they assured him they needed it to keep track of the contestants

in the Libyan hang gliding championships.

There's no story there, George.

I'm sure our new colleague would agree with me.

George is the editor.

I think it should be his decision.

Oh.

Right, then.

I think we should run it. Fine.

Oh, yes, of course.

I was just playing devil's solicitor.

Terrific.

Go get 'em, skip.

Erm, George...

Can we have lunch together? Lunch?

Mm. Only, I'd like you to talk me through a few things

and it'll save me having to get them all from captain gobshite.

Captain gobshite?

It's what we used to call Gus at merchant chemicals.

What a coincidence (!)

Where's it to be?

The caprice or the Ivy?

You choose.

Oh.

Right...

You're gonna find out what it's really like in prison.

First, we need to delouse you.

Oh, look, I don't think this is really...

Now...

..We wash you down. Oh, no, wait, please...!

Oh!

Urgh!

How's it feel so far?

You're... mad?

Yeah, you're probably right.

Do you know one of the worst things about prison life?

The routine.

The agonising repetitiveness of everything.

So... this is set to repeat.

Enjoy.

? It's coming home

? it's coming football's coming home... ?

You bastard!

Telephone rings

ringing continues

hello?

Yes, hello.

And hello from here, too.

This woman just keep saying, "hello."

Give that to me.

This is Sally smedley.

Nobody.

Yes, Friday will be fine. Thank you.

That was hello! Magazine.

Look, you really can't stay here.

You know, it's the rules.

I'm just waiting for the rain to stop.

Well, I'll fetch you a cab. No, I couldn't possibly.

It'll stop soon. Sally sighs

I do like that top.

Is it from littlewoods?

Littlewoods?!

And then it turned out that the hornets

were being attracted by the colour of my cardigan.

No!

Joy, I've devised a new postal collection system.

In future, all outgoing mail will be processed by you.

It'll produce an up-sized fast-track cost benefit.

Well, that's stupid. What?

And when I'm busy somewhere else and the whole system grinds to a halt,

will I be held responsible, as per usual,

with every other crap idea that crawls out of your office?

Er...

Yes, well, there may be valid aspects of a...

We'll stay with the old system.

Old Gus is never rigid in the flexibility department, as you know.

And yet, we do need an effective means of regulating the post.

Exactly. So I've decided we will switch to the new system after all.

On the other hand... oh, just bloody do it, all right?!

I mean, er... everything all right, Gus?

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Terrific!

That woman's out to get me, George.

For years, I nurtured her, and this is how she repays me.

Oh, I don't know, Gus. She strikes me as being rather nice.

Really?

I've done it, everyone.

I've given Julie an engagement ring.

Well, it was only a hula hoop, but she got the idea.

Dave, I'm so happy for you both.

Dave...

Look, as one mate to another... don't do it.

What? I know it all seems lovely now.

Laughs. Companionship.

Sex without struggling to remember her name.

But you'll soon get tired of that.

Then one day, she'll hit you with those three little words.

"Darling, I'm pregnant." And you're dead.

You'll be in a nightmare of crappy nappies and vomit.

You try and regain some of the manhood that she's robbed you of,

and the next thing you know,

you're in the bloody divorce courts for screwing her best friend!

Taking the kids you never wanted

to the bloody planetarium every bloody Sunday!

Which is always blasted full!

And generally feeling like a washed-up, lifeless imitation

of the man you used to be!

And all because you once told some pouting floozy

you bloody loved her!

Well, anyway, that's what I think.

Well, it won't be like that. I'm not you.

In fact, it's you who's been holding me back.

Yes, I'm getting married. And that's that.

And...

And you're not my friend any more.

Women, hey, Henry?

The trouble they cause.

Driving wedges between people.

I mean, between you and me,

it's a bit much having one hovering over the place, wouldn't you say?

Oh, bugger off!

You pointless bloody little...

Well, you're just bloody pointless.

They chuckle

all right, Gus?

I'm not here.

Must get on.

I've always been an outsider here, George.

She'll have noticed that.

Gus, I really think you're taking this Jenny situation

far too seriously.

You shouldn't get so tense.

Shouldn't I?

It would suit you, that, wouldn't it?

Me dropping my guard.

What? I know what's going on, dent!

God! You, my friend George, the one man I thought I could trust.

Seducing your way into my job with your... sexual wiles!

You... lounge lizard!

Sexual wiles...

Look...

You don't realise the pressure I'm under to deliver exciting reports.

If your brother was a victim of that, then I am truly sorry.

Really?

How sorry? What?!

Oh, god! Jesus!

Look...

Look, I'll give you money. I'll give you anything you want!

Oh, god, I'm sorry!

Fanfare and drum roll

you're also the first victim on...

Celebrity surprise!

What?!

Yes, we've had hidden cameras in here all the time.

And you fell for it hook, line and celebrity sinker.

Incidentally, love the underwear!

Oh, for god's sake!

Come on, where's your sense of humour?

Everybody'll think you're a really good sport.

Yeah, right.

So, Damien day...

You've been celebrity surprised!

Oh, you... you!

So, how do you feel?

Well, erm...

Like this! Urgh!

Oh, come on, where's your sense of humour?

Pillock! Urgh!

Oh, good morning, Gus.

Are you, er, feeling any better today?

Huh! Don't pretend you care, dent.

If you must know, I'm resigning.

Your little missy is sharpening up a report to sir royston,

ready to plunge it between my shoulder blades.

Still, sir royston's about to find out

how it feels to have your trust betrayed.

Gus, what have you done?

I've just dropped him a line,

saying, "hasta la vista, sir royston, baby."

I also mentioned that I shall be telling the inland revenue

about some of his more adventurous financial deals.

I gave that man the best years of my life, George.

And what's he ever given me? The bum's rash!

Erm, I think the expression is bum's rush.

Oh, for god's sake, dent, spare me your intellectual quibbling.

Morning, Edith. Hello.

Just popped by to give Sally this bread pudding.

Oh, Damien...

How was your bse man yesterday?

Er, it was a waste of time. There's nothing in it.

Oh, right. It must be good to be back, though. A bit like...

? It's coming home

all: ? it's coming home

? it's coming football's coming home... ?

You bastards!

? It's coming home it's coming home... ?

May I ask why you're resigning?

Look, Gus hedges doesn't need to see a toilet duck

to know he's being flushed down the lavatory.

Oh, Gus, I am going to miss you.

Well, I've reported to sir royston...

That this company runs with little waste

and no apparent scope for cost savings.

What? I'm not sacking you.

No swimming round u-bends required.

Oh, god!

Oh, good. Besides, if I did bin you,

sir royston would want me to stay here to sort things out.

And I don't want to get stuck in this corporate armpit.

This is a crappy job in a crappy outfit.

And, Gus, you're just the man for it.

Damien, a message from some guy in the Russian army.

That intercontinental ballistic missile

you wanted smuggled out for your report,

the price has gone up.

He wants pre-shrunk levis now.

Oh, and, er, this came for you.

Julie's dumping you.

What?!

"When we started out, I never dreamt you'd get serious.

"I've been trying to find a way to tell you for ages,

"but I kept bottling out.

"I only got involved with you

"because you seemed like a bit of uncomplicated fun."

Dave, I'm so sorry.

Are you ok?

Well, ok, everyone...

How dare she?!

I mean, how dare she treat people like this?!

It's...

She leads a guy on till she gets what she wants,

and then she just Chucks him away

with no thought of how he might be feeling!

Well, that's what you do... shut it, Damien.

I mean, for god's sake!

Well, I don't care.

Plenty more where she came from.

That new receptionist, she's married.

I'll see if she wants an uncomplicated, commitment-free shag.

Gather round, everyone.

We all know how Gus often says, "I'm not here."

Well, now, he's really not going to be.

I'm sure you'll all be shocked and saddened to learn

that Gus is leaving us.

Well, goodbye.

Now, Gus, obviously, we've not had time for a whip-round.

So a round of applause for Gus.

Half-hearted clapping

thank you.

Thank you, George.

However, the fickle hand of mr fate has spun the coin of destiny.

He's going down drivelling, then.

And I shan't be leaving after all.

Oh, good.

And I'm looking forward to forging a new, brighter partnership

of two partners joining together in a mutually beneficial,

blissful and lasting union.

He starts to sob

what's the matter with him?

He's just had a rather upsetting letter.

Oh, well.

Oh, my god!

My letter!

Here you are, dear.

Try this.

Oh, and I've got a message for you here.

Unless the catalogue people hear from you by five o'clock,

they'll give the contract to cilla black.

Oh, dear, that was yesterday.

What?!

I must have forgotten. I'm sorry, dear.

Well, that is it.

Cilla black?!

You stupid old bat!

I only did your stupid appeal

because my agent said I needed a charity,

and the donkey sanctuary had already gone!

God, I hate old people!

I'm sorry, dear.

I'll go away now.

Edith, look... I am so sorry about Sally.

Bloody women!

Bloody bitches!

It's all right, dear.

I've learnt a lot from being around her.

Recorder clicks god, I hate old people!

"My hell with granny-bashing newsreader."

Should make a bomb from the tabloids.

Bye-bye, dear.

Where the hell is the post?!

Well, it's gone, as per your stupid orders.

Oh, god!

Where's he rushing off to?

Oh, to the airport then on to Antigua.

He's trying to get to sir royston before his letter does.

What letter?

This one.

Look, Jerry, it's too cold to mess about.

We're going in three, ready or not.

So, Tony banks, mp, the European court's ruling on the 48-hour week.

As an independently-minded, outspoken left-wing mp,

what are you doing in the labour party?

Well, to answer that part of your question

that wasn't entirely stupid and offensive,

the directive is there to actually protect

some of the most vulnerable workers in our society.

I suppose you're not in favour of the directive

because you'll have to go into work a bit more often.

Thank you Tony banks, mp. Still no post in the shadow cabinet.

Ann coates, the tories are in favour of inhumane working conditions?

Yes!

No.

We're fighting against the insidious tentacles of the European octopus.

We care desperately about protecting British jobs.

Well, that's a first for you lot. Oi, schtum.

What we're involved in now, Damien, is a mission, a crusade.

The battle for Britain.

So, carpet-bombing of dresden starting any day now.

Tony banks, Ann coates, mp, at least until may.

Goodnight.

I hear your little boy's lost his football.

Oh, yes, but we've found it now.

So, it's...

Together: ? football's coming home

? it's coming home

? football's coming home it's coming home... ?

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