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phones ring mmm...

This is nice soup, George. What's in it?

Mixed winter vegetables.

I've been growing them on my new allotment.

You know, at the top of junction road.

Oh, I know it. The one next to the, er...

The sewage works. Yes, that's right.

I love cooking.

I've always found it very therapeutic.

I made crepes suzette last night.

Always a spectacular climax to any meal.

There's two secrets to cooking crepes suzette -

don't overdo the Brandy, and don't stand near the curtains.

Now, listen up, everyone.

I know that we all tease Sally about her thinking

that the tamil tigers were an ice hockey team,

but I want us all to watch this tape

because it just shows what a superb technician she is.

Oh, please.

There was a huge anti-government demonstration this afternoon

in rangoon, the capital of Burma.

In Burma, today...

Burma... all over Burma...

In the golden triangle, which spreads

across the southeast Asian countries of Laos, Thailand and Burma.

What? Well, it's actually very simple.

It's impossible to say the word "Burma"

without widening your mouth, that's all.

"Burma." "Germany."

You see? Nothing I can do about it.

I see! So there's no connection

with your all-expenses-paid summer holiday in rangoon, "Burma"?

Well, it's true, I didn't pay for the hotel in person...

Just accept it, woman. You've been rumbled.

You've been using your privileged position

as a vehicle for personal gain.

Ah, now, talking about vehicles for personal gain,

couldn't help noticing, Damien, that a certain brand of well-known jeep

seems to be something of a motif in your most recent work.

Uh-huh, yeah. I know the reports you're referring to.

And, well, we were under pressure, in a rush,

and we did inadvertently catch the jeep in shot

a couple of times in a couple of reports.

17? What?

17 reports. I can show you the tape if you like.

Oh, all right.

The manufacturers lent it to us for free.

But I was just trying to save the company money,

and you'll be pleased to know

that I have negotiated the use of that jeep for an unspecified period.

Though, obviously, if I felt

there were any question of conflict of interests, I'd return it.

There's no need for that, Damien. Right.

I've already done it. What?

I got them to take it away half an hour ago.

Oh, for... you interfering, bossy cow.

You have both exposed this company to the risk of a fine

from the regulators.

So you are forthwith put on notice, as per your contracts,

that if either of you engage in outside promotions,

and that includes, Sally, voice-overs, adverts,

or anything including the phrase "TV's Sally smedley",

then we reserve the right to fine you,

or even turn you into "the job centre's Sally smedley".

Is that quite clear?

David, could you pop into my...?

But, Helen, you don't understand, I need that jeep.

Oh!

Mockingly: Does the little boy want his big vroom vroom back?

Never mind. Oh!

Big mistake, Cooper.

Drink? Er, no, it's a bit early for me.

I knew that's what you'd say.

And do you know why? Because it's a bit early for me, too.

And you and I, Dave, we're similar in so many ways.

Are we? Oh, yes.

For example, tomorrow, I'm going out for dinner with...

With this woman you've been communicating with on the Internet?

Precisely! You see, two minds, one wavelength.

Anyway, that's all I mean.

We've both stepped out with ladies so many times,

it occurred to me... chuckles

it occurred to me, compadre, that it would be a bit of a laugh

to compare notes, you know, on what different strategies we use.

How we break the ice, as it were.

In fact, I was thinking,

we could both write down our best lines

on cue cards, for example,

and then show them to one another for a bit of a giggle.

If you can do yours by tomorrow lunchtime, please, Dave,

on small cards, about a dozen or so. Excellent. That's all.

Erm...

Might be a bit difficult, I've got a lot on.

George has asked me to find some footage of yeltsin looking sober.

It's gonna take hours. I'll get Helen to do it.

And I'm working nights at a pub at the moment to pay off a loan.

It's only 50 quid, but I'm so strapped. Here. Here.

Do the cue cards, huh? Please.

You know, there's more stuff on prison overcrowding.

Looks like they're gonna use

this ex-us air force base in Suffolk as an overflow.

That base is ex-nuclear. Yeah.

Obviously, a way of bringing in electronic tagging by the back door.

Stick someone in there for six months,

and you can track them with a geiger counter!

Special delivery for Helen Cooper. That's me.

Right.

Yes. Well, if you'd like to step this way...

Mmm.

George gasps

sorry!

Hello, George. This is my... friend, Amanda.

Hello. Hello.

Well, I can't stop, I'm... due out there now.

Oh, god! What's the matter?

George saw us! So?

This is where I work!

Oh, I see. You're ashamed?

I am not. So, what's the problem, then?

Oh, nothing.

We've been seeing each other for three months now,

and I haven't met any of your friends.

Well, that's because they all work in TV.

They're so busy, they don't get a moment to themselves (!)

Anyway... it's been lovely to see you, but...

I'm dismissed, then, am I? No, it's...

So why can't I meet your friends? Are you ashamed of me?

Well, of course not.

You ashamed of them, then? No.

So why don't we have some of them round for dinner?

Well, we will. When?

Soon. How soon?

Well, just as soon as... ..Workload eases up.

All right, then, tomorrow.

Bloody tomorrow. There, you satisfied?

Dave, look, quick. A woman in leathers!

Brr...

No cow ever died for a nobler cause.

Is this right?

Major's going for an election on may 1st?

Very appropriate.

It's the socialist day of celebration.

Do you reckon Blair's gonna lose, then?

Oh, she's coming out of the building.

Ooh, she's straddling her bike. Dave?

I want to ask you a favour.

Will you come to dinner tomorrow night?

Because I want you to meet my new friend, Amanda.

And I'm gonna ask you and joy and Henry,

cos you're the only ones I can trust

not to be juvenile and embarrassing about it.

Oh-ho! Hubba-hubba!

And I'm not gonna ask anyone

who's gonna be anxious and inhibited like...

George!

Are you doing anything tomorrow night?

I was wondering if you'd like to come to dinner.

In midweek?

Oh, what the hell! You only live once.

Damien, the jeep firm just rang to complain.

They say they found a dent in the bonnet

and a bloodstained squeegee stuck in the bullbars.

Oh, yeah. I loved those bullbars. I loved that jeep.

It was the vehicle of a frontline news warrior.

It made a statement about me. Really?

Was the statement, "I am a macho loser

"with a pathological need to sit four feet higher

"than any other road user?"

Second mistake, Cooper.

Where the hell is this smedley woman?

We lose this studio booking in 15 minutes.

This thing's got to be ready for broadcast tomorrow.

I know. We should've paid the extra and got Carol vorderman.

I've heard this smedley's a right bloody...

Chuckles Sally!

Oh, thrilled to meet you. Thanks so much for doing this.

I'm Gavin. This is Simon.

We're the creatives behind the concept.

Now, it's dead easy. Just a mock broadcast.

We are chasing the clock a bit, so perhaps we could just crash into it.

Very well. Ace.

When you get the green.

Scottish accent: Here is the news from bunnyland.

From tomorrow, Bonnie, the bap happy bunny,

is giving away free frisbees at all bunnywood burger bars.

So, make sure... er, Sally?

Er, the, erm... Voice.

You don't like my characterisation?

Oh, no. It's very, erm... Original.

Original reading, yes.

It's just that we heard it more... Normal.

Oh.

I just felt that's what a bunnywood newsreader would sound like.

Yeah, it's just that we wanted that calm authority

that's normally associated with your voice as a newsreader.

Yes. I mean, basically, we want everyone to know it's you.

I see.

Well, firstly, I resent being typecast as a newsreader.

And secondly, surely it gives the piece more depth

if I play it as a Scottish rabbit?

Well, possibly. It's just that in our judgement...

I'm sorry,

but I refuse to be lectured to on judgement by a bald man

who chooses to wear a ponytail!

Ok. Well, let's just take it from the top again, shall we?

So...

So.

Here we are. Yes.

In person.

Yes.

Did you have a good flight?

Yes. Thank you.

I think the food here is a bit better than airline food.

Yes. So do I.

They chuckle

so, what's it like living in "insert name of town"?

Frankfurt!

Hi. Hello.

I hope I'm not too early. No, not at all. Come in.

Hello. I'm George.

Yeah. We met yesterday in your office.

Oh, yes. When you were... in my office.

Would you like a drink? Helen won't be a second.

I did the shopping, but I forgot the olives.

Easily done.

A dry white ok? Lovely.

Helen's told me a lot about you. Has she? All right.

Yes, I hear you're 31 and you grew up in maidstone.

Your father's a dentist and your mother's a nurse,

and you're taking temporary jobs

to finance your postgrad studies in anthropology.

Yeah, that's right.

That's why I'm doing the dispatch riding. Yes.

Must be hard work,

spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.

I'm back.

Hi, George. Hi. Hello.

I hear you're out of olives. Not any more.

How can you have a dinner party without stuffed olives?

Yes, that's what Helen said.

Is anybody else coming? Yes.

Er, joy, Dave and Henry.

Door bell rings ah-ha!

Damien?

Hello, Helen. I'm sorry to call round unannounced.

I just wanted to apologise for my outburst about the jeep.

Of course, you were right, so I brought this by way of apology.

Damien, that's very kind. Erm, look, I'd ask you in, but...

Hello, George!

Fancy seeing you here. Oh, hello. You must be Amanda.

Yeah. Oh, nice to meet you.

I'm Damien day. I work with Helen.

Yeah, I've seen you on TV. Right.

Well, I'll be off.

So, is that your Norton in the driveway, then? Yeah.

Oh, great bike, the 750.

Anyway, have a lovely evening.

Well, why don't you stay for dinner?

Oh, I don't want to be any trouble.

And besides, I think I've got a few leftovers,

which will go off if I don't eat them today.

Ok, then. Goodbye. Don't be silly! There's tons.

I don't want to be the cause of contention.

No, you're not.

Good. That's settled, then. I'll get you a drink.

Oh, joy!

Oh, Amanda, this is joy and Henry and Dave.

Hi. Hey. Lovely to meet you, my dear.

No wonder Helen's kept you hidden away.

I wish I'd come in a dress!

For god's sake, Henry! It's nice to meet you, Henry.

You cheeky old sod.

Well, this is nice.

Isn't it just? Here's to a memorable evening.

I think the food here is a bit better than airline food.

Whispers: God.

Funny, we didn't find it so hard to talk on the Internet.

No. I know...

Brilliant.

I actually identify with lesbians.

The way I see it is a lesbian is a man trapped in a woman's body,

and that's what I aspire to!

You'll have to excuse Henry, Amanda. He's a pig trapped in an ape's body.

We're out of pepper. Oh, I'll get some.

No, it's all right. I know where it is.

Of course! Now, that seems a long time ago.

Amanda: What does?

Since Helen and Dave were an item.

An item?

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I just assumed that...

Didn't Helen mention it? No. No, she didn't.

Well, why should I have mentioned it?

And besides, Damien, Dave and I were never an item, as you put it.

It was just a very, very short-lived sexual relationship.

Just an insignificant, meaningless mistake.

Yeah. That's right.

It was just an insignificant, meaningless mistake.

I'll get the pepper.

Oh, I feel dreadful.

I didn't mean to upset anyone.

No-one's upset. Who said anyone was upset?

Yes, how could anyone be upset when Helen has decreed otherwise?

Ok, just don't start, all right?

George, will you pass the potatoes, please?

I think it's a healthy sign

when a couple can argue in front of strangers.

Yes, well, it's been a lovely evening, Jane,

but I have to get an early start, so...

I'd love to see your flat.

Why don't we go there now for a nightcap?

I'm not going back to the flat, actually.

I'm going back to the office. I've got some work to catch up on.

You know what it's like. Oh, all right.

Where shall we go tomorrow lunchtime?

Well, I don't think I'm free. Oh, yes, you are.

I downloaded your diary while you were in the loo.

You downloaded my diary? Oh, yes.

There must be no secrets between us.

Well, I'm fairly certain there's something in my desk diary

that I didn't put in. All right.

I'll call you later when you've checked it.

Right. Must dash to the office.

I'll drive you. No, there's no need.

I'm going to jog. Good for me. Yes, I'll jog.

Along the psychopath... cycle path!

You bet. Terrific. Bye!

Helen, this looks fantastic.

I made the pudding, actually.

I must say, it does look yummy.

Something wrong? No.

All: No. Personally, I like sour cream.

The cream's off. I told you to check the sell-by date.

I did check it!

Well, obviously not very thoroughly. Not to worry.

Why don't I rustle up my piece de resistance, crepes suzette?

No, no. I insist. Monsieur George est dans la cuisine.

So, Amanda, I understand you're an anthropologist.

Yes, that's right.

And you grew up in maidstone?

Is that where your dad was a dentist?

Yeah, that's right. You all seem to know a lot about me.

Well, it was a very detailed memo!

Sorry?

Well, Helen did this memo all about you

with all the bullet points underlined.

She thinks of everything, doesn't she?

Oh, I see.

I'm a secret for three months, and now I'm a bloody memo!

Don't overreact.

I'll react how I want to, you sodding control freak.

Control freak? George: Nearly ready!

Yeah, well, at least I am not a bloody dispatch rider.

Oh, now it comes out! Just about to flambe them.

I'm a bit of rough trade for the control freak!

Now, let's not spoil the evening. Oh, shut your face!

How could this evening possibly get any worse?

They scream

oh, my god. Phone rings

Jane: 'Hi, Gus. Just calling to see if you got my fax.

'Well, you've my hotel number. Talk to you soon.'

beep, mobile rings

pager beeps

"is your mobile not working? Jane."

Phone rings

'Gus, hi, it's Jane.

'I was thinking, why don't I pop round

'and give you a hand with work?' Leave me alone!

'You'd like that, wouldn't you? I'm on my way.'

hello, security?

Now, listen, if a woman calls asking to see me...

What do you mean, you've just sent her up? God!

Thank you for a lovely evening last night, Helen.

It was lovely food, and I think Amanda is very nice.

And I'm sorry I burnt down your kitchen.

Here you go, Helen. Thank you.

And, joy, thank you for what you did last night.

It was very kind.

It was assault.

No.

It was the smoke and the confusion,

and I just got physically disorientated.

And punched me in the face five times? No!

One of them was me, and you bloody deserved it.

How's things with you and Amanda? We split up.

You know, I really thought we were gonna make a go of it.

Now, now, Helen, don't get down.

It would never have worked out between the two of you.

Perhaps you're right. Of course I'm right.

All homosexual relationships are doomed!

There's no biological imperative, you see,

so they're abhorrent to nature.

Well, I defer to your expert knowledge

on what's abhorrent to nature.

Thank you.

Joy? Call the engineers.

I want all my phone and fax numbers changed.

So, were the cue cards useful? No.

Because you didn't do me one which read,

"leave me alone, you insane rabbit boiler!"

The woman kept hounding me. I had to call the police in the end.

It's this ad again! Just listen to this cobblers.

Welsh accent: 'From tomorrow, Bonnie, the bap happy bunny,

'is giving away free frisbees at all bunnywood burger bars.

'So make sure you hop along.'

what the hell sort of accent was that supposed to be?

Well, it sounded like rather good welsh to me. What?!

Welsh crossed with Swedish and a bit of Pakistani.

Ah, just imagine being so talentless,

desperate and greedy that you'd agree to do that!

Mm, I know. And the humiliation of hearing it go out.

For the whole world to hear!

It's like proclaiming from the rooftops,

"I am a shameless moron!"

Who are you calling a moron?! I got �3,000 for...

Well, Sally...

Abhorrent as it is to my nature,

I feel I must submit to an overwhelming biological imperative

to fine your heterosexual tits off.

Gus, I'm back. Who is that?

Hello, Gus. Just brought your messages.

Ah. Two from Helen.

Terrific. And 34 from Jane.

And George wants you to check the running order.

Caning in schools... excellent.

You know, I was repeatedly caned by the headmaster.

Well, and by the other boys. Well, by the school dinner ladies.

And did it do me any harm?

What I don't understand is how school can be closed

by a ten-year-old delinquent.

Oh, it's possible. Scoffs: Yes.

It's possible, Gus.

Phone rings

'Gus, Jane here. I finally got your new number.'

beep

so, any news on that bill on stalkers?

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