Original subtitles

Whore of Babylon!

Antichrist!

Beelzebub!

Beware, for he is among us!

I know you.

Antichrist!

Actually, I'm not the antichrist, I'm George dent.

Mobile phone rings excuse me.

You spawn of Satan.

You are gonna be vanquished... yes?

George, are you at the office yet?

No, Gus, there are problems on the tube.

Apparently, a train fell off the rails at Earl's court

'so I'm just waiting for a bus.' I don't need to remind you

how important it is we're there to greet

these Japanese bankers, do I?

Sir roysten's relying upon them for a refinancing package.

And if they're not impressed with our operation, then...

'Beelzebub!' What is going on?

Everyone knows... No, it's just this...

..That the mark of the beast... . .This chap who seems to think

I'm the antichrist.

This is no time to get involved in idle chitchat with people, George.

I need you at work five minutes ago, is that clear?

Yes, well, I'll do my best, Gus,

but it may be a bit of a struggle getting in.

There's rather a long queue for the bus.

Nonsense, George. Just comes down to you getting off your backside

'and putting in a bit of effort.

'You know you just can't keep waiting for the world

'to come to you, George. Sometimes you just need to

'put yourself out a bit.' Actually, Gus, you could...

Gus. Gus, you couldn't give me a...?

Don't let me down now, George.

This is about teamwork.

Yes, Gus.

Oh, hello, is that coutts?

Oh, yes, well, my name is Henry Davenport.

My account number is 493761.

I was just wondering whether I could possibly extend my overdraft limit.

Er, to �2 million, please.

Well, why not?! You bloody did it for Fergie!

It's all down to snobbery.

If only I was a fatuous sloane with an arse the size of Kent.

With a witless prince for an ex-husband.

Our royal correspondent writes.

What's all that? Sally's fan mail.

Can't believe she gets so much.

Joy, you read all her letters... yeah, all right, shh.

Well, what sort of people write to her?

Sad men, if you'll excuse the tautology.

Where is the old trout anyway?

Er, she's on set practising for this live discussion special, you know?

"Is Britain a godless society?"

45 minutes of pointless argument between a bishop and a sociologist.

Sociologist? Where's my shotgun?

Whose crap idea was it anyway?

Sir roysten's crap idea.

He believes that Britain is undergoing a moral decline.

He should know, he caused most of it.

Where is Helen? Looking after the bishop.

He got here a bit early, seems nervous.

Yeah, probably saw me. I always make clergyman nervous.

Ever since I did that item on gay clergy

and outed that vicar on camera. Great piece, that was.

Did rather spoil that girl's wedding, though, didn't it?

Morning, troops! Please, stand easy.

I'd just like to introduce you all

to these gentlemen from the nakaguru bank.

A far-sighted financial institution

that is about to take a seat on globelink's adventure ride

through the golden gateway of digital synergy.

Isn't that right, mr mishima?

Good morning, everybody. Gentlemen,

you are looking at the most hard-working

and dedicated team in TV news.

They all report for work at 8:30,

then we kick-start the day by singing the company work song.

What is the company work song?

Old Macdonald had a farm.

Yes, that's right.

If you'd care to step this way, please, gentlemen,

I'd like to introduce you to Damien day.

Damien's often reported from Japan,

and greatly admires the traditions of the samurai.

Yamarashi to ippatsu yattakoi.

What do you think you've just said?

It was taught to me by some Japanese reporters.

They told me it's a traditional Japanese greeting.

It isn't, is it?

I'm afraid not. Erm, what does it mean?

"Go and have sex with a porcupine."

They laugh

well, everyone seems in very high spirits.

We weren't expecting you quite so early.

Well, I don't really like it much at the hotel,

I couldn't sleep last night. I got up early,

went for a bit of a walk, but...

Well, I just wanted a bit of company, really.

Are you ok? Yes, I mean, no.

Listen, erm...

There's a bit of a problem about this discussion programme.

So, bishop, exactly where does all this leave god?

So, bishop, exactly... where does all this leave god?

So, bishop... all right, Sally?

Oh, yes, Gus.

I'm thrilled to be chairing such a heavyweight discussion.

Good. It'll give me a chance to show

that I'm more than just a highly attractive presenter

with perfect diction and exquisite clothes.

Yes, well, I... i prepped thoroughly.

I've written down a list of all the key questions,

and next door I've put the amount of time I'll allow for the answer.

See?

"Is god man's attempt to impose order on a chaotic universe?"

15 seconds. Very impressive, Sally.

I'd just like you to meet our friends from the nakaguru bank.

Oh, a bank.

Sally is hosting a live discussion with bishop Trevor waddle.

A real bishop. Doesn't approve of gay priests, women, or oasis.

And he's up against sociologist James sillett.

"Man no longer needs all-knowing super-being

"now that we have the Internet."

I think it is important broadcasters attend to man's spiritual needs.

I look forward to observing your programme.

So do I.

I have a very good feeling about this one.

So when exactly did you lose god?

Well, I've been experiencing doubt for a while, but...

Well, I felt the faith finally drain out of me

in my hotel room this morning.

I was watching TV and there was footage

of this terrible carnage in Jerusalem.

I saw this frightened mother clutching her baby

as all around her, troops and rioters

just mindlessly tried to kill each other.

The same way they'd been doing for thousands of years, and...

Well, I felt sure,

once and for all...

That no divine being or force could have created that hell.

So I thought I'd better just come and tell you

that I can't really take part in your discussion programme because...

Well, I don't really believe in anything any more.

You understand, don't you?

Oh, yes, of course.

Oh, it must be very distressing for you.

It's hit you very hard. Yes.

Yes, it has. Erm...

You don't know any bishops who live close by, do you?

Well, that's all going swimmingly.

Sally's turning on the charm and our visitors seem very taken with her.

The Japanese are attracted to women like Sally.

It's a genetic thing.

Eh? Crap eyesight.

Now, that is just the kind of lazy, racist remark

that I don't want to hear.

I haven't forgotten the way you marred the visit by mr berlusconi.

All I said was... and we don't want to hear the joke

about Italian mothers and moustaches again, thank you very much.

Oh, and by the way, David, before I forget,

and on a complete tangent,

I've looked at the edit you've done for the 1960s version

of our globelink remembers commercial video.

And? Well, it's just you've put in a huge chunk

about the Vietnam war and hardly anything about twiggy.

I'm sorry, but we are trying to tap in

to the feel-good nostalgia market here.

People aren't going to pay �12.99 to watch a bunch of burning foreigners.

And do we...

Do we have to include the assassinations of John f Kennedy

and Martin Luther King?

You can't just rewrite the past.

The past is a commodity, we can do what we like with it.

Chop it up, move it around. Yeah, but the facts...

Our flexible resource.

He's right. All the great propagandists have proved that.

Stalin, goebbels, Camelot.

I want the '60s changed, ok?

What decade are you editing at the moment? 1940s.

Mm...

Well, mention the war, obviously.

But try not to dwell on it!

Gus, we've got a problem. Ah.

Joy: Reaction from the pfa to all this post-gazza stuff

about so many footballers being alcoholics.

That's why they started putting their names on their shirts.

So they know who they are when they come round.

He's lost what? God!

What sort of bishop doesn't believe in god?!

An Anglican one.

Well, can't he just pretend? No, he can't! He's depressed.

Oh, he's depressed?! I've got a flagship programme

that's sir roysten's baby, that our potential investor

is waiting to be impressed by, and...

Where the hell is George? Yeah, he just rang in.

Said the buses were too full to get on, the traffic is solid,

so he's headed for the br station.

The fool. Helen, I've got to keep an eye on mishima and co.

You go and get hold of a replacement.

What, I'll just ring rent-a-bishop, shall I?

Meanwhile, Henry, talk some sense into the bishop.

Why me? Because you're the oldest person we've got.

He respects someone more if they carry a few wrinkles.

Hells bells! Don't let me down, now, Henry.

I need your back-up. You've got my back up (!)

May I remind you that two of your ex-wives

are suing you for mind-boggling amounts of alimony,

and were I to liberate you into job-seeker land...

All right, all right! That's better.

Now, I'd best network with our visitors.

Now, let's all pull together as a team on this one.

? Old Macdonald had a farm

all: ? e-i-e-i-o. ?

Tannoy jingles

'the 10:04 to liverpool street will leave shortly from platform 7.

'We regret that due to staff shortages,

'there is no buffet car on this service

'and we apologise for any inconvenience this may cause.'

what do you think you're doing?

The thing is, I know that sometimes the search...

For a meaning, or some...

Guiding intelligence is a very hard one.

Especially when you're suddenly confronted by man's darker nature.

But if you... if you look in the ledger of human experience,

surely, isn't it true that the column of charity,

and kindness, and... love...

..Far outweighs the sum total of man's moral deformities?

No.

No, no, you're right, I'm talking bollocks.

Your go.

I must say, Gus, I'm none too impressed by our sociologist.

He may be a controversial iconoclast

but he's got dandruff you could ski in.

Yes, well, you just worry about your bit,

this is a very important programme.

In fact, sir roysten just rang to say

he's coming up to watch the recording in person.

Isn't that fantastic?

It's so nice to have one more crisis to deal with all by myself (!)

Ah, mr mishima.

Erm, did our technical wizards

show you around our state-of-the-art studio?

100% Japanese technology. It's all digital, you know.

Yes, I must confess,

I've never quite understood what "digital" means.

Digital?

It means that it's stored digitally.

In digit form. On digits.

In a matrix that is digital.

Of course, I'm simplifying it a bit.

Is the bishop here? Only I would like to meet...

Er, yes, yes, it's not possible at the moment, I'm afraid, er...

He's praying! Yes, that's it, he's having a good pray.

It's not us, you understand.

It's just that if this programme doesn't go ahead,

our boss will go ballistic.

Well...

Couldn't you just put forward the arguments of the believer?

Be a sort of devil's advocate?

Well...

Not a devil's advocate.

Look, I'm sorry, but having lied to myself for so long,

I can't face lying to anyone else.

Oh, thanks, joy. Still lost god, then, have we?

Does that mean you're gonna have to hand your frock in?

And that funny curly stick? Er, thank you, joy.

What happens if you're wrong this time, though? Eh?

I wouldn't like to be in your shoes on judgement day.

A bishop who left the firm? Inhales

he's gonna kick your head in, mate.

Still, at least packing the job in, you'll get more time with your kids.

Mouths silently

actually, I'm a catholic bishop, I don't have any children.

Yeah. Right.

On December 7, 1941, the imperial air force took off...

Phone rings

yep? Hello, Damien?

Could you give Gus a message for me?

Tell him I've had a few problems at the station.

Well, by the time I was released from the police incident unit,

British rail had cancelled the service due to leaf mulch.

But I'm coming in by minicab.

How's things going?

I'll be in asap.

Starts engine globelink news, please.

Sir roysten merchant way.

You don't know where it is?

Oh, I see.

Head for centre.

Centre of London.

And, of course, this is the throbbing heart

of our news-gathering tiger.

And what hours do your staff work? Whatever hours we tell them to.

Because people are a resource. Yes, but...

And we believe in maximising our resources.

Allow me to illustrate.

Here we are repackaging archive news material

into nostalgia-orientated videos. This one is of the 1940s.

As you can see, young David here is editing footage of the...

Japanese counterattack on pearl harbor.

It was not a counterattack.

Well, whatever.

It was a moment of supreme folly for the Japanese nation.

Well, maybe.

But you were sorely provoked, it has to be said.

Anyway, it's all water under the bridge.

And you've all done frightfully well since then, eh?

Oh, my word, yes. Phone rings

in fact, we model ourselves on your Japanese economic miracle.

Oh, we work, work, work, work... with respect,

we now find worker performance

benefits from shorter working hours. And longer holidays.

Really?

Is that George?

George? Where the hell are you?

Well, I've, erm...

I've hit a bit of a problem.

I'm not interested in your problems, George.

Our flagship programme is holed beneath the waterline

which will not impress our potential investors,

and we could all go down in flames here,

so shift that complacent little arse of yours!

He must have taken that bend at a fair old lick.

Groaning

don't worry. We'll soon have you in hospital.

He's Bulgarian.

Oh, right.

Don't... worry.

We'll soon... and he's deaf.

That's why he couldn't hear me when I was screaming at him.

You're in shock, we'd best get you off to hospital as well.

No, no, it's ok.

I have to get into work.

Ok, team, everything's under control.

I've left Dave and Damien showing them that un-screened footage

of torvill and Dean having a fist fight.

What news on the other front? Bye, bye, everybody.

Thank you for being so understanding.

Er... where are you going?

Well, there's no point in my staying here, is there?

I've got a taxi waiting for me. Oh, tough titty.

I've got four cameras, a presenter and a sociologist waiting for you.

Look, I don't know who you are... I'm Gus hedges.

Chief executive of globelink news, and I'm ordering you onto that set.

You can't give me orders. Now, listen, pal.

Bishop or no bloody bishop, if you don't go into that studio

and say how terrific god is,

we'll sue the ecclesiastical pants off you.

Gus! Not now, Helen. And another thing,

I'll be putting in a call to your lot's customer relation department.

Gus, I've got somebody. What?

I found a priest who can do the programme.

Oh!

Well, you can sod off, then, bishop.

Thank you (!) Well done, Helen, terrific.

How soon can this priest get here? She said about 15 minutes.

"She"?

Yes. She's a deaconess.

Oh, for... what?

It's a woman! I thought you'd get me a proper priest.

What, you mean with chest hair, testicles

and an "I love Jesus" tattoo?

Oh, well, she'll just have to do, I suppose.

At least sir roysten will get his programme now. We're safe!

Mr hedges? Yes?

There's a problem about the programme.

Well, you see, I was watching TV, and there was some coverage of...

Carnage in Jerusalem

and in the middle of it all was this...

Frightened mother clutching her baby.

And there was something about her unquenchable humanity

that started me wondering that...

Well, perhaps there is a force that guides us.

So, you see, I'm not really comfortable about

arguing against the existence of god per se, and I...

Ok! That's it! Cancel the programme.

What?! It's cancelled, end of story.

Get out, go on, take your dandruff with you.

Sir roysten's just arrived. Oh, of course he has!

Is that all? You mean an asteroid just hasn't hit the building?

God, what a shambles!

This has been a very poor effort, team.

I want you to know I hold you all individually responsible!

Well, er, I'm afraid we must be on our way.

Oh, really? So soon.

We have to file our report.

And, erm...

You'll be proposing us as a sound investment opportunity, will you?

Er... I'm afraid not.

Why is that? Well, I'm sorry,

but we find your management style a bit old-fashioned.

Yes, a bit too severe.

Too severe?

Yes.

Well, that's rich coming from you lot.

I'm sorry? Mr soldier Johnny work-or-die

says I'm too severe!

Well, naughty, naughty.

Throw me in a hole and push bamboo under my fingernails.

We must be going. Erm...

Look, erm, I am very sorry...

Honestly, the cheek of it!

Coming in here and criticising the way we do things.

Who do they think they are?

They're ex-potential investors, aren't they?

Oh, god.

Sir roysten's on his way up.

He'll pass them on the stairs.

I'll see him in my office.

Honestly, George.

You might have made an effort.

As dick emery might have said of Claire,

"ooh, you are awful!

"But I like you."

God, nobody kills a joke like a politician.

The man's got the comic timing of a hoover.

Who is he doing an impression of now?

I dunno, bela lugosi?

Well, I never thought I'd say this, but bring on Michael Howard.

Oh, look, there's Thatcher.

God, that all seems such a long time ago, doesn't it?

D'you remember when she left number 10? She was crying.

Yeah, happy days.

So, what are we gonna lead with?

"Hypocrisy, hypocrisy, hypocrisy"? Yes, because at least he sounds like

he knows what he's talking about there.

Doesn't matter what we choose, mawhinney'll complain.

Mind you, underneath all that bluster,

I suppose he does have a point. It does damage our society

if we treat our leaders disrespectfully.

Mm. What are the rules again?

20 points for a hit, 50 for his nose.

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