Original subtitles

And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first broadcast in December '94,

in a week when John Major got firm with rebel backbenchers,

and footballer Paul merson confessed to cocaine addiction.

Could be a big week next week.

There's talk in westminster of major getting the boot,

and heseltine and portillo forming a balanced ticket.

First time those two have been described as "balanced".

Two nutters with sad hair. Right.

I'm off to see Ted about the graphics for the budget.

He did this for our piece on the average family.

I think he's still depressed about the divorce.

Have you seen this? "The people who made the film fatherland

"have altered the final scene

"to hide Joseph Kennedy's anti-semitism."

I think that's absolutely disgusting!

Hear, hear.

Newspapers are always giving away the ending.

Hello. "A record dividend is forecast

"for sir roysten merchant's media conglomerate,

"merchant communications".

Yes, whack in that pay claim!

"Better-than-expected results", blah, blah.

"Thanks to the company's generous share option scheme,

"sir roysten's key executives stand to become millionaires overnight."

? I'm sitting on top of the world

? just rolling along... ?

Morning, news diggers. Have we struck gold today?

I don't know. You tell us.

If you are referring to my loyalty-rewarding performance bonus,

let's get one or two parameters straight.

I'm not a millionaire until I sell my shares.

And in what possible circumstances would I want to do that?

My place is here, with my family of co-achievers. Terrific.

Oi! Would you like to explain this? What's that, Bob?

A personal message from the chief executive.

"Dear cameraman, merry Christmas. You're fired. Ps, happy new year."

Gus chuckles

that's not what it actually says, now, Bob, is it?

No. It actually says, "in order to secure

"a multichannel future of quality and distinction,

"globelink has opted to downsize its common core technical resources."

That's right! I'm setting you free!

Free to roam the high seas of enterprise

as the buccaneers of our broadcasting future.

And good riddance. The ballot's a foregone conclusion.

As of Monday, the technical staff are on strike.

Strike? I'm not with you.

No, mate. We're not with you.

Now, now, I do hope we're not going to have a row over this.

Shut up, George!

You can't win, you know.

I've got the backing of the law, my proprietor,

and my loyal and dedicated news team.

Isn't that right?

Well, it depends. We haven't had our Christmas cards yet.

Yes. I'm telling you, when this team stands together,

they are united. They are as one.

All right, which one of you bastards has had the last jaffa cake?

All talking over each other I would just like to say...

I would just like to say...

That if we don't stand up for the cameramen, it will be our turn next.

She's absolutely right, and I say we strike.

Right, ok.

So, how do we do that, then, exactly?

I don't know, I can't remember.

Look, it's quite simple. Barricade the entrance,

occupy the building and just thrash everything.

What will that achieve?

Well, it will be fun and it will annoy Gus.

Look, look, it's all very well for us to talk about strikes,

but what about the ones who can't afford it?

I mean, I'm not thinking about myself, obviously,

but there's people with families.

I mean, I feel for them. They will suffer financially.

These people with families.

What about you, Damien?

I will listen to my conscience.

Spot the odd word out in that sentence.

Oh, shut it!

Come on!

Let's just vote!

All those for striking...

Carried. Yes!

Well, I'm not standing for these undemocratic bully boy tactics.

We just took a vote!

I'm sorry, but just because the majority vote for something

doesn't make it Democratic.

You fascist pig!

George, just announce the result, ok?

Ok. So it's decided, then.

It's everybody out, unless they'd rather not.

I've drawn up a duty rota. Two-hour shifts.

And there's a code of conduct.

Does everyone know what to do if they get arrested?

You bang your head against the cell wall and say the police did it.

Oh, here comes Sally.

Slag, slag, slag!

Joy! I think the word is "scab".

I know what the word is.

Shouting

joy mutters

hello. Don't I know you from somewhere?

Oh, what's your other chat-up line? "Are you a model"?

Joy merryweather, hurst upper school.

Piggy...

Piggy Dean. That's right!

Yeah, well, Paul Dean.

God, we had some laughs together.

No, we didn't. You got me expelled.

Did I?

Don't you remember?

You were the prefect that reported me for smoking.

It was thanks to you I failed my a-levels

and lost a place at college.

Instead of which I ended up being the office doormat

to a room full of megalomaniacs.

Oh. Still...

Forgive and forget, eh?

Never mind.

Dave!

You weren't thinking of going in, were you?

Er, no. No, of course not. Good.

Nope. No, even though things are tight for me financially,

I'm proud to be standing shoulder to shoulder with my comrades.

You don't think we're being photographed, do you?

I tell you what, Dave. Why don't you slip down to the pub

and just leave the rest of us to carry on the fight for our jobs?

Yeah, ok. Cheers.

Tyres screech

it's all right. We're in.

Ah...

We few.

We happy few.

Now is our finest hour.

The winter of our discontent.

We must fight them on the beaches,

in the fields and hills,

cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.

Excuse me, shouldn't we stop all this before it turns ugly?

War is ugly, George.

But these people are our friends.

Were our friends, George!

Ah, Damien! Well done.

Any trouble with the picket line?

Nah. No-one stops you

when you're going at 30mph on one of these babies.

Oh, look at that blood.

Are you all right? Oh, no, no.

That's Gerry the cameraman's blood. Well, is he all right?

Who cares?

How's our budget coverage coming along?

Well, we could with something on the state of Britain today.

You know, a human interest piece on...

Well, the trauma of coping with the recession.

Well, I can help you with that. Really?

Yes. I know a Lloyd's name who's had to take his girls out of roedean.

Yes, Sally.

I wonder if we might optimise our resources here,

each of us sticking to what we are best at.

I see. So I suppose you will be wanting me to make the tea?

You're a team player, Sally!

Let the rest of you learn from that.

I'm still a bit worried about the technical side.

We've got no cameramen, no sound, no lights.

We can do all that ourselves. Remember TV-am?

Vaguely.

Don't worry!

My crack team of freelance technicians will be here any minute.

Now, I want you to give them cooperation, a warm welcome,

and, if possible, a few words of Russian.

Shouting outside

looks like he's shipped in foreign technicians.

Oh, dear. A development.

That means we can't rush back to the station

and get on with all that urgent paperwork. Your round.

Right, so that is 48 matchsticks you owe me.

Look, can't we make it more than 0.5p per matchstick?

No, no, dear boy. I'm trying to wean you off your habit.

Hey, aren't you that fella off the telly?

Shall I get rid of him, mr Sinatra?

Yeah, I saw that report you did on freemasonry in the met.

Half the blokes in c division want your guts for garters.

Well, that's the masons for you.

I hate the bloody c division. Come on, let me buy you a drink.

Thank you very much. Very nice of you.

Actually, Andrews, make mine a large one.

What's this? Gambling?

Er... no. Ooh, no.

No, no, just a bit of fun.

Fun is for wimps.

How about a man's game? Poker.

Well, let's say a quid a chip.

No, let's say a fiver.

Dave, are you sure this is a good idea?

Listen, if I can't outwit a policeman,

I might as well top myself.

Speaking in Russian

that Judas of a westminster correspondent has joined the strike!

Now we need to find some viewer-friendly experts

to analyse this whole euro rebels things.

David mellor's around. We're not that desperate.

Who else is available?

Andrew Neil, Paul Johnson.

Bernard ingham, Woodrow Wyatt.

Give mellor a ring.

George, slight hitch with the autocue.

What kind of hitch?

Well, the script's in English, the operator's Russian

and the newsreader is a moron.

At ease, Damien, I'll sort this out.

All right! Gus chuckles

please, please!

Do svidaniya.

Wouldn't it be quicker if I did that?

It's ok, nothing like mucking in for boosting morale in the ranks.

You don't trust me, do you?

Of course I do. I just want to get it right.

Now, how does that look?

Can't understand a word.

You're not paid to understand it, just read what's there! Right?!

All right, Gus.

You're in charge...

No, no, I like being a policeman.

It's a good job. Well-paid.

And useful to society. Oh, absolutely.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Well... no.

Oh.

Just as well, really, isn't it?

Sorry?

Well, I mean... with your job, you never know.

You might just turn a corner,

there's a bullet with your name on it.

Well, you try not to think about it.

No, quite.

Still... if the worst comes to the worst,

at least you'll get one of those plaques from Michael winner.

Yeah. Tea?

And that's the way things are this Monday lunchtime.

Oh, well. It won't be the first time we put the wrong tape out.

I don't think these Russian technicians

are very professional, though.

There was definitely some heckling during that Bosnia item.

Sally!

Good grief. Sally, I have just had sir roysten on the phone.

He is furious. Well, don't blame me.

As instructed, I was just reading what was on the autocue.

That's no excuse!

I've now got to write a personal letter of apology to Douglas Hurd.

With an "h"!

David hunt won't be too pleased either.

You told me to read what was there.

I expected you to use your brain.

Sadly, it seems that you did.

Your turn.

And raise you 20.

See you.

Jack flush. Hm.

King flush.

Oh, Jesus Christmas.

So, that's, er...

645 quid.

I'll take a cheque.

You're not quitting? Well, you know, busy day.

Double the stakes?

What? Oh, Dave, be sensible.

You've won 600 quid. Quit while you are ahead.

Yeah, you are absolutely right, Henry.

Erm, I'll just get a little bit further ahead, then I'll quit.

There's job security and a promotion structure.

And in a few years, I will be over there in the pub

with the plainclothes boys, on surveillance.

Of course, yeah.

So you are not worried, then,

by this talk of police work being performance-related?

No. Why should I be? Oh, no, of course not.

How many o-levels did you get?

Well, three.

But I had a virus. Yeah, yeah.

No, I'm sure you're right.

In 20 years' time, you'll be up there, cid.

Not rotting on some picket line in the rain.

So...

How did you get a job in television?

Excuse me.

Oh, George! Welcome to the struggle.

Well done, George. Well, I had a long think,

you know, about you lot out here, standing up for what you believe in,

and I thought, maybe, if I came out here and joined you,

you would help heal the wounds when all this is over.

Well, that's extremely noble of you, George.

Do you fancy holding a placard?

Oh. All right.

Ok, best be getting back.

George!

I don't think you've quite got the hang of this strike business.

Oh, no, I'm just here for moral support. I'm not actually on strike!

No, but I am. You're supporting us?

Absolutely. Management need to be taught a lesson.

Camera shutter clicks

I stand alongside my colleagues

out of loyalty and friendship.

Where did all these photographers come from?

Car horn

scab! Scab mobile!

Here you go, Sally. Lob this.

I'm afraid joy is playing a very silly trick on you, Sally.

Let's get rid of this, shall we?

Good grief.

It's treachery.

Treachery with a smile on its face.

Bastards!

Gerry stretched a bloody rope across the road!

All the time, George was spying on us.

Look, Gus, these Russian boys look like they can handle themselves.

Why don't we just pay them to kneecap a couple of the pickets?

No. Those strikers will need their knees

for when they come crawling back.

It's the two of us against the world.

I won't forget how you stood by me.

I swear, your loyalty will be rewarded.

In that case, can I have a new bike?

You know who I'm basing my tactics on?

Obvious, isn't it?

John Major!

The iron man!

Banishing those rebels to the wilderness.

Well, Gus, I'd say that your prospects

are about as good as John Major's.

You're not wrong there, mate.

Two fours.

Two sixes.

I've had enough. Let's call it a day.

What's the damage? 15,000...

..275.

I'll take an even 15 grand.

I tell you what...

..Double or nothing. How do you mean?

Oh...

Toss a coin.

Dave... can I have a word, guv?

Dave... look, I'm on a lucky streak.

Dave, it will desert you. You are not a lucky gambler.

You put 100 quid on an accumulator

that ossie ardiles would lead spurs to the championship,

that Paul merson would be the league's top scorer,

and that Bruce grobbelaar would be voted footballer of the year!

This time, it will be different, ok?

Well, this time, it will be different, ok?

Best of five!

You know, I used to really like you at school.

Oh, right!

But you said I got you expelled.

I would have got myself expelled sooner or later.

I was all over the place.

Not like you.

You were always so together. So dynamic, so bright.

I used to think, "that boy has got such a great future.

"He can be anything he wants to be".

Still...

Sausage?

So, you say there's a job going at globelink?

Mm. Production assistant. Has to be available from Monday.

Right.

You work really closely with someone for nearly five years...

..And it turns out you don't really know them at all.

"My marriage hell. Red George's wife speaks out".

Have you seen this cricket score?

You know, there's a whole generation of kids growing up

who think that "England test collapse" is all one word.

"George beat me black and blue". Good god.

Hello. Globelink on the financial page.

Probably another record surge,

thanks to my resolute handling of the strike. Here we go.

My god. My shares!

"Disintegration of quality of service"?

"Investors panic"? What's wrong with these spineless jackals?

"city fears were further fuelled

"by the defection of newsreader Sally smedley".

Don't worry. Stand firm.

Us against the world.

And sir roysten will back us all the way!

..To a negotiated settlement.

Sir roysten, who is by nature a conciliator,

has instructed me to extend the olive branch of peace.

And so the deal on the table is that everyone gets their jobs back.

With the obvious exception...

Of the ringleader. Ringleader?

Red George.

Oh, come on! That was just silly tabloid fabrication.

There is no way that we are going to see George made the scapegoat.

What about a compromise? Compromise?

Well, say we all go back and...

Well, George loses some privilege. Like what?

I don't know, erm... Parking space.

Agreed.

No, it's still victimisation. Oh, I don't mind.

Well, what if one of them gets victimised too?

Ok, Damien, you've lost your parking space.

Well, why me?!

Give me one good reason why I should lose my parking space.

You haven't got a car.

That's not the point! There's a principal at stake.

So, that's agreed, then. Splendid.

Hang on. What happened to "the two of as against the world"?

We all need to go on a forgiveness curve.

Those bloody cameramen knocked me off my bike

and gave me a good hiding, and all because I broke the strike.

That was nothing to do with the strike - just a golden opportunity.

Oh, well, come on, let's finish it! No! Peace is breaking out!

And that's official.

Nice to see common sense prevail.

Yes. Oh, Gus.

Don't forget your little men.

Yes!

Heads. Two all.

Exhales this is it, then.

Now, you're not going to faint again, are you?

No, no. Your call.

Tails.

Guv'nor, I've had enough!

Enough of the stress, enough of the danger,

enough of rotting in the rain on picket lines.

Enough of the dead-end prospects.

I don't want to end up as one of Michael winner's plaques!

I want to be free. Yeah, because I'm better than this.

I can be anything I want to be.

Shut up!

Oh, sorry.

Oh! Tails!

Yes! Yes!

You little beauty. Mwah! 30,000 smackers!

Oh-hoh! Congratulations.

So, where's the cheque, then? I'm sorry, sir.

The law takes a very harsh view of unlicensed gaming.

And since we don't want to involve the landlord,

is suggest we charge you at the station.

Oh, you're joking.

No, you'll never get away with this. I mean, if it came to court,

we'd say that you were playing. It'd be the two of us against...

Four policemen.

I'm sure the court would...

Oh...

Let's forget about the money, eh?

Just a bit of fun, wasn't it?

Wasn't it just?

Well, mind how you go.

Oh, could I have my 50p back, please?

Ta.

Item four. Latest research shows your workplace can give you asthma.

Oh, yes. And eczema.

Migraine.

High blood pressure.

Irritable bowel syndrome...

Yeah, yeah. George, just fax us the list, ok?

Now, item two. Our report from bee hatch.

Well, I must say, I'm losing my patience over this Bosnia business.

Those Americans are quite right.

The only way to stop all this violence

is just to drop lots and lots of bombs.

Oh, no!

Another exclusive from Margaret.

According to this, we had a sex romp,

underneath the stars on a beach in Greece.

Don't worry, George, no-one's going to believe that.

No.

30,000 quid.

Could have paid my bills, settled my debts

and still have been left with six quid.

No. You owe the jaffa cake kitty six quid.

Oh, joy? You know your friend,

that policeman that was with us on the picket?

Piggy Dean? Yeah.

He rang earlier. He seemed to have got hold of the idea

that there was a job going here.

Really? What's wrong with the job he's got?

Just lost it. Fired for insubordination.

Oh, dear. What a shame.

Piggy... Dean.

That cameraman, Bob wragg, better watch himself.

Never mind, Damien, you can say you got that scar in Bosnia.

I thought Gus had ok'd the Angola trip.

No. He decided you get more cost-effective images of suffering

nearer home. And Bosnia could turn very nasty

if senator dole gets his way.

No-one takes him seriously. Since when?!

Since Thatcher came out on his side.

Still, don't worry about me, I've been there before.

Yes. But this time, your cameraman is Bob wragg.

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