Original subtitles

'And now, drop the dead donkey.

'This episode was first broadcast in November '94.

'In a week when the news was dominated

'by treasury minister Jonathan aitken's

'confusing financial affairs.'

I'm wearing the metropolitan police's new riot gear.

Described as vital by their chief commissioner,

criticised by others as too expensive.

But just how effective is it?

Well, with the help of my camera crew...

I'm going to find out.

Banging and clattering

well, I have to say that I didn't feel a thing.

Phone rings

um... Michael Howard.

Men with ponytails.

The git who resurrected the gold blend couple.

What's this? We're playing plague of boils.

It's if you were god, which people or group of people

would you visit with a plague of boils.

Um... it's my go, isn't it? Um...

Michael Howard. No, you had him first go!

I want to give him two lots.

This is just mindless spite, isn't it?

Yes. I'll have Terry Christian.

Henry? Forrest Gump.

Joy. Um... men.

Rather a wide category, that.

All right, then. Bloody bastard bank managers.

Overdraft?

"May I remind you that you are banking with us

"and not we with you." Yeah, yeah.

Well, he won't be so amused when I torch his bloody bank.

Good morning!

Wrong! Chuckles lightly

you do have a terrific sense of humour, joy.

I've just been to my personal pregnancy adviser.

And she said that during pregnancy, having a sense of humour

is very important.

Never mind, sal, I'm sure you'll be very good at everything else.

Morning, everyone! All: Hello.

So, do you notice anything about us?

Yes, you're 43 and she's... shut up, joy!

We're engaged!

Great!

Yeah, well done, George. Congratulations.

I see, so, you think we've rushed it, too?

No, not at all, George.

After all, you've known each other for, well...

Nine days. Nine days.

Yes. And presumably you're not getting married until...

Saturday week. Saturday week.

Exactly. That's a longish relationship compared to...

A mayfly? ..Lots of people.

No, George, Anna, we hope you're very happy.

We will be. I love him very much.

Yes, you'll see.

This love will last and it will grow.

Aren't they the words to a Donny osmond song?

I'll put both dates in my diary, then.

A week on Saturday - wedding. One year later - divorce.

Why a year?

Because after she's lived 12 months with George,

she gets a British passport.

If she lives with George as long as that,

she should get the Victoria cross!

What's to say it's not true love?

And besides, for all we know, she could already be a uk citizen.

Yes. Joy, could you order Anna a taxi to the strand, please.

Thanet house. Immigration department.

Maybe someone should talk to him?

Ok, troops, let's turn on the turbo thrust and talk running orders.

Latest on aitken.

Apparently, he didn't need to register that company he set up,

because it lost all its money immediately.

And his job is?

Financial secretary to the treasury.

Now, this cod fax that the guardian sent the ritz,

well, at least we don't get involved in behaviour like that.

Has anyone got to something they want to tell me?

Well, I did send a fax on mcc paper to Mike gatting

telling him the Australian tour was cancelled.

I sent one to Jeffrey archer on our notepaper saying "you bastard".

Yeah, well, I did send one to Alan sugar

on ossie ardiles notepaper saying, "sack me if you dare."

Yeah? George, there's already taxis waiting downstairs.

All right, thank you, joy.

Bye-bye, then, squirrel. Bye-bye, rabbit.

Big hugs.

No, I'm sorry, even if it is true love,

I still think we should try and split it up.

Good morning, scoop scouts!

I'm not here. However...

..I've got just one word to say to you...

..Quality broadcasting.

How can we improve our output, I ask myself?

With a new logo, I answer myself.

I'm having a two-metre high insignia

installed on top of the globelink premises tomorrow.

What's it look like?

Ah-ha! That's a secret until the unveiling tomorrow.

We don't want it getting leaked.

Because, of course, you can't trust your own staff, can you?

Got it in one.

Now, I'd just like to impact with Sally.

I'm sure you've all got other flounders to flambe.

Now, Sally, I'm just a little bit worried about

this potential baby situation on the old publicity whatnot.

What with the ambiguous father identification oojamaflip.

Anyhow, perhaps you could mentally red pencil this whole thingamabob

from your TV times interview?

And...

He sighs ..Terrific.

Your what?

Oh, didn't you know, Henry?

I'm on the front cover of the TV times this week.

Oh, that tatty old rag?

And I've a two-page interview inside.

Rather you than me.

That's a relief, Henry. I was worried

you might be a bit upset it was just Sally on the front cover.

Oh, go boil your brain, George, and shove it up your arse!

A bit uncalled for.

So, George, how's tricks?

Fine. Mm-hmm. Seems a nice girl Anna.

She's wonderful. Mm.

And stunning.

I suppose you and her have, um...

..You know, you've, um...

She finds me very attractive.

Yeah. So, you have, um...

You have, you know...

No, she respects me too much for that.

I'm sorry? You wouldn't understand, Dave.

There's more than just sex between us.

I'm not obsessed with it the same way that you are.

No, we're waiting until we get married.

And when's that? Nine days, 22 hours and 45 minutes.

Listen, George, I don't want... don't say it.

..To bring this up, but I'm really... just don't say it.

Damien...

Your piece on poor prison security...

Good, wasn't it?

..Do you really think it's responsible

to break in to a maximum security prison?

I was just making the point that it's easy.

It wasn't quite so easy getting out, though, was it?

I made it.

Your camera crew didn't, though, did they?

Yes, well, I'm visiting Gerry tomorrow.

I'm gonna do a piece on prison bullying.

Damien!

There's this... Woman us naval officer

got a million dollars for being groped.

Oh, that's ridiculous! Never cost me more than a g&t.

I've decided on natural childbirth.

Oh, yes, I decided on that.

Doing it the way nature intended.

Then 15 minutes into the labour, I started screaming,

"give me all your drugs now, you bastards!"

Yes, I remember when Margaret had Deborah.

She screamed abuse at me at the top of her voice!

Often happens, it's when the head starts to press down on the cervix.

No, this was two days after the birth.

I'm rather looking forward to the birth.

Sally, I wouldn't get too excited, you know,

early days, and all of that.

Hello, Sally smedley? Impatiently: Yes?

I'm a photographer.

Oh! Pleased to meet you.

Sam Thompson, I'm doing the photo for the TV times cover.

I just thought we'd do them here in the office?

Well... giggles

I didn't get very far with George.

Not surprising, he's as Randy for her

as a dachshund with two dicks.

I think you'll find that he's in love with her.

That's what I said.

Someone's got to make him see sense.

Well, she's obviously using him.

We need to dig up some information on her.

Well, I could bung someone 50 quid

and get hold of her immigration records?

Because I understand, you know, you can do that, apparently.

Just do it, ok?

Just look at that sad old slapper doing her stuff for the camera.

Actually, if you could just sit on the desk.

That's smashing.

Actually, if you could just cross your legs.

That's smashing.

If you could just hitch that up a little bit.

That's smashing.

You know, Sally, I think you are just about the most

photogenic woman I've ever taken pics of.

Oh, please!

In fact...

I think we could do a stunning portfolio of photos of you.

You see, I freelance for a lot of magazines

and I'm sure that, er, penthouse

would pay a lot for photos of Sally smedley.

What sort of photos?

Artistic adult photos.

I think you must have confused me with some cheap little tart.

Don't come the debutant with me, there's only two types of women.

Tarts who know it and tarts who don't.

I think we'd better call this session to an end, don't you?

Before I use your telephoto lens to take an extreme close-up

of your breakfast.

There's more worries about rabies spreading to Britain

through the channel tunnel. It's worrying, isn't it?

I had that rabies scare when I got bitten by that dog in Tunisia.

And those two dogs in turkey.

And that water buffalo in Sri Lanka.

I started foaming at the mouth the next morning at breakfast.

Then got locked in quarantine for three days

until Deborah finally admitted putting detergent in my muesli.

Still, all my bad luck's changed now.

So, um, you pay for nude photos?

Might do.

How much?

Er, 200 quid for breasts, 400 quid for breasts and bottoms,

600 quid for the full monty.

What about, um... inaudible

1,200.

You on for that?

Look, I need the money, ok? It makes no odds to me.

There's a little studio upstairs on the top floor,

it's empty, we could use that.

Ok, I'll come back tomorrow with a TV times girl,

say I need a few more shots.

All right, everyone!

Now, I have as much a sense of humour as the next person...

Yes, Gus, I would say you do.

Thank you, Henry.

But look at this!

Now, I'm perfectly prepared to laugh at irishmen,

I'm perfectly prepared to laugh at black people.

But I do think we have to draw the line

when it comes to corporate merchandising.

So, I hope you all take that thought on board, give it a stiff drink

and run it through the lifeboat drill. Terrific.

Have I got something on George's miss wonderful.

Already?!

When it comes to corrupt public servants, I only deal with the best.

Oh, bloody hell! New story breaking?

Er, no, George, just some background.

Ah, looks interesting.

It's not, George. What is it?

We did a bit of research.

On Anna.

You have done what?

She's under investigation by the immigration service.

Yes, she told me.

Her visa runs out in ten days' time.

Yes, she told me.

She married someone else eight months ago.

Yes. She told me!

And I suppose you also found out whether or not she's still married?

Divorced two months ago.

Oh, right, yes, of course. Um, I remember her telling me now.

George... I know what it is.

You're all jealous.

All of you with your sick, sad, unfulfilled lives.

It hurts you to see a perfectly matched couple. You can't bear it!

And so you try and blacken her good name.

Well, it's not gonna work!

It's not. We are going to get married

and we are going to buy each other Teddy bears,

wear matching jumpers and hold hands during Chris de burgh concerts,

and there's nothing you can do to stop us!

Well, looks as if we'll just have to accept

we can't stop George getting hurt, not unless we kidnap Anna

and ship her out of the country in a crate.

Well, I know this bloke... no!

Morning, Damien! Morning, joy. Morning, George.

Is George still angry with us?

Says he's not going to talk to homebreakers.

Can anyone think of a gentle way of getting through to him?

Tell him he's a twat?

We've tried that, joy.

Tell him he's a twat and slap him around a bit?

You seem particularly vehement about all this, joy.

Yeah, well, happened to me, didn't it?

When I was 20, I met this Bolivian dissident

who was about to get thrown out of the country,

so I agreed to marry him so he could stay.

That's fair enough, if he was honest about it.

Yeah, but it turned out he was lying.

He already had a British passport. He was just in love with me!

Bastard.

Excuse me, I'm looking for, um... oh, what's his name?

Blonde bloke. Medium height.

Talks rubbish.

Gus.

That's right. I've got to put this hoist up on the roof

for some new logo? He's in that office.

Cheers. Morning, Sally.

Sally, are you ok?

Fine. Absolutely fine.

Absolutely tickety-boo, as gran used to say.

You've lost the baby, haven't you?

Oh, well, as you said, early days.

Oh, Sally, I am so sorry.

But you shouldn't be here, you should be at home.

All right.

But there is someone who can be with you there?

There's, um, Maria.

And you can get hold of her?

Well, I did sack her last week,

but I expect the agency could get her back.

Right, er, perhaps you'd better stay here.

Ok.

Shall I get you a cup of tea?

I'm experiencing all these feelings and I don't know what they are.

Is this what other people feel when they're unhappy?

I suppose so.

Perhaps it hasn't been so bad being me all these years.

Morning! Are we roasting with rocket fuel? You bet!

What's the matter with Sally?

Come on, cheer up, it might never happen.

She's had a miscarriage, Gus.

Oh! Oh-oh.

I'm... I'm sorry. Still, look on the bright side,

at least you won't need six months off work.

Gus screams

you closed the photocopier lid on my hands!

Yes! And I am pressing down quite hard, Gus.

Good grief! And that pain that you're experiencing,

that is just a fraction of what Sally is feeling right now.

All right! All right!

Good grief, woman, what are you playing at?!

I'm warning you, if that affects my squash...

Anyway, Helen, Henry, I want a meeting in my office.

To discuss sir royston's bid for channel 5.

Henry, come along! Chop-chop!

Sally, I'll get joy to come and sit with you.

I'm terribly sorry. All right?

Hello. I'm Derek lumsden.

Yeah, hi, I'm Dave charnley, thanks for coming in.

Er, George...

..This is Derek lumsden.

Hello, there. Very pleased to meet you.

Anna's first husband.

Listen, mate, don't do it. She took me for a complete ride.

Caught me at a bad time when I was very vulnerable.

My teenage daughter left school just before her gcses.

How she got to Croatia to join those mercenaries, I'll never know.

And my ex-wife was still bitter about the divorce.

Always going on about how inadequate I was in bed.

To our friends.

Our relatives.

And on that radio two phone-in.

Then there was that mystery intestinal complaint.

And it was a bit unfortunate about the hand glider

coming straight through the bathroom window like that.

I don't know if any of this sounds familiar?

No, um. Not at all.

Anyhow, needless to say, I fell hopelessly in love with her.

She knows how to pick sad, lonely, insecure men.

Joy. Have you got through to that minister yet?

Yes, he says he can do your filling on Saturday at three.

There's this... Douglas hurd's blocked the red cross proposals

to ban anti-personnel mines.

Oh, sir royston obviously had a word.

He sells them, does he? Absolutely not!

He just recognises a fair argument.

All those third world chappies going on about the damage they do.

They haven't got a leg to stand on!

What?!

Where's George?

Playing Chris de burgh tapes in his office.

Oh, dear. Dee Dixon, TV times.

I'm here for the Sally smedley interview.

Ah... yes... there's going to be a bit of a problem about that.

I hope not, I've been looking forward to meeting

some fellow journalists. Dee Dixon!

Oh, it's a great honour for your fellow journalists as well.

I can still remember your shattering expose

of Liza Goddard's secret love of chocolate eclairs.

Not to mention your epoch-making report

"why Jane Seymour's a housewife at heart."

How you've never won the pulitzer prize,

remains a mystery to us all. Sorry?

Ah, you must be Dee Dixon. Yes.

Gus hedges, pleased to meet you.

Now, about that interview.

It can't happen, Gus.

Excuse me, Dee, one of my employees appears to have become confused

as to her role in this office. It can't happen, she's not up to it.

It's ok. I want the interview to go ahead.

Just give me a couple of seconds.

There you are. What a trooper!

So, um, we all set to nip upstairs, then?

Sure. Remember, the dirtier it gets,

the quicker you pay off your overdraft.

Hoist's up and ready. Sorry?

We have an ongoing potential uplift scenario.

Ah!

Got you.

I think I'm ready now.

This is going to be a cracker, Dee.

I'm sure it is.

Ok, Sally, where shall we start?

Um... any good stories about your childhood

or favourite recipes, perhaps.

Our readers love celebrity recipes.

I've a story about my childhood.

Great.

How when I was five, my grandmother locked me in a cellar full of rats

because I wore the wrong shoes for dinner.

And there was a hilarious outcome, I bet!

No, just weil's disease.

Mind you, that was one of the happier moments of my childhood.

At least someone paid attention to me.

My parents ignored me, basically.

Left me with a psychotic septuagenarian

whose ideas for childcare

came from films about Japanese prisoner of war camps.

She turned me into this malicious, career obsessed, shell of a woman,

who spent her days knifing her colleagues in the back

and her nights looking for a quick shag with some rough trade

in a transport cafe.

The more brutal the better.

Just to make completely damn certain there was no possibility of love.

But...

From one of these couplings I got pregnant.

Which, at first, horrified me.

And then, slowly, changed me.

I started to understand what other people feel when they are happy.

Then, last night, I had a miscarriage.

And now I feel...

More empty... and more alone...

Than when I was shut in that dark,

rat-infested cellar as a five year old.

So...

..No recipes, then?

George rang. Wanted to see me.

He's in there.

'Lady in red' by Chris de burgh

? lady in red

? is dancing. ? Music stops

what's the matter?

I want to know why you didn't tell me about your marriage.

And subsequent divorce.

Oh. You know about that?

Correct. I see.

I suppose this means you want to call everything off?

I just want to know why you didn't tell me about it?

Well... it was too painful to talk about...

That's good enough for me.

You are a remarkable man, George.

Ok, team! Gather round.

Feel-good moment imminent.

As we unveil our prestigious new logo to the world.

Stylish, it's original,

and it's going to be winched down any second now.

Aren't you supposed to be operating the hoist?

No, whatshername, joy, said she wanted to do it.

Marvellous.

Oh, my god!

News team laugh

well, it's original, certainly.

Shutter clicks smashing.

I'll do those negatives, thank you, joy.

So, what's breaking?

There's this. People who deal in steroids

will get five years in jail.

Of course, they'll have to catch them first.

Oh, and there's heseltine's tactical withdrawal

over the post office sell-off.

That was a golden opportunity missed.

Yes. What's he going to be chairman of when he retires?

Quite. I mean, if this government

can't even privatise things properly...

It makes you wonder what's the use of having them at all?

Welcome aboard, Gus!

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