Original subtitles

This episode of drop the dead donkey

was first broadcast in October '94, in a week when the ambulance service

was criticised for its response to emergency calls,

and mark Thatcher was accused of profiting from arms deals.

Press release from central office.

The tories are insisting there's a clear blue water

between them and labour.

Yeah, only trouble is it's got lots of brown things floating in it.

Joy, graphics needs a list

of all the groups affected by the criminal justice bill.

You know, new age travellers, hunt saboteurs, ravers,

any living organism, that sort of thing.

Ooh! Smart haircut, George.

Yes, well, Margaret's remarrying tomorrow afternoon, so...

Of course. It'll feel a bit strange. Yes.

The woman I cared and provided for all my adult life

is marrying Todd, the young man who performed her liposuction.

Who's spent the last year living with her

in the house that I paid for.

Still, the important thing is, I'm not bitter.

Right.

Good morning, Sally.

A bit long in the face today, aren't we?

Could it possibly have anything to do with

the write-up we receive in this morning's telegraph?

I quote, "Sally smedley's lightweight, simpering delivery

"is in stark contrast to the all-round professionalism

"of her fellow newscaster.

"Henry Davenport is a complete anchor."

I think they missed out a w.

And he sings my praises at embarrassing length.

Yes, I get...

I get six-and-three-quarter column inches to your half an inch.

Isn't the bloke who wrote this an old schoolmate of yours?

Oh, well, that explains it.

He's obviously influenced

by his memories of your happy childhood together, Henry.

When you both played in the woods

and climbed trees to escape the sabre-toothed tigers.

Good morning, scoop-busters!

All cheer

welcome back, Gus! You're looking very well.

I've seen the light, that's why.

Experiencing that minor cardiac arrhythmia situation has changed me.

From now on, I'm going to employ relaxation techniques

to turn off stress river

and mosey gently down contentment creek.

Well, um... well done.

We're just about to start the editorial meeting.

Yes, well, you don't need me for that.

If anyone wants me, I'm in my office,

getting in touch with my inner child.

He'll never find his inner child. It's buried beneath the outer prat.

That is very cynical. Maybe Gus can become more laid-back.

Yeah, right And maybe mark Thatcher found 12 million quid

down the back of his sofa

Helen, I, um... I just was wondering if, possibly, you might, maybe,

accompany me tomorrow to Margaret's wedding.

Only, it would be quite nice for me to invite

someone like yourself with me to the wedding,

so that I could, um...

Stick two fingers up at Margaret? I don't know what you mean.

I'd just like a bit of company at the wedding, that's all.

I'm allowed a guest. You see?

The invitation is addressed to "George plus one."

Question mark.

Question mark, exclamation mark.

Well, of course I'd come if I could, George,

but I couldn't possibly leave the office.

What with Gus delegating so much and you not here,

it would be irresponsible for me to be away, too.

Ah, yes. Um... I suppose so.

Welcome to the guild of master excuse-makers.

That was a lovely piece of work.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm tidying the desks. Why?

Well... well, because they should be tidy, that's why. Ok?

What's up with you? What time do you make it?

Nine thirty-ish.

No, not "ish", precisely. What is the time, precisely?

She'll be here on the dot. Who will?

Damien?

Oh! Hello, mother.

How are you?

I'm extremely well, but with a very busy schedule, I'm afraid.

So if we could expedite matters, dear. Yes, of course.

Everyone, um... This is my mother.

Murmured greetings

now then, Damien, listen carefully.

I brought in all the old home movie tapes,

and I want you to transfer them onto a single vhs.

Now, do you think you can manage that?

Yes, of course, mother. I'm not a complete moron.

I can manage.

Yes, well. One can't help thinking of the episode with the cat, dear.

Um, perhaps we could borrow this office.

It's a little more private.

Joy, do you mind if I say something?

Go ahead. I could do with a sleep.

A short Aeon ago, I gave you some expenses to type.

Yeah, well, I've got Henry's exes to finish first.

What's that, there? His lunch allowance.

�40 a day?! I don't get �40 a day for lunch.

Well, no, but then, you don't really eat, do you, Sally?

At least, not during daylight hours.

Why should he get something I don't? That's not fair!

All right, all right, don't overheat that brain cell, woman.

You get �40 a day allowance for haircare.

I don't bleat about that, do I?

That's different.

I can't read the news without nice hair.

But you could manage it without a stomach full of burgundy.

Says who?

I'm not putting up with this discrimination

over lunch allowances.

Well, I want sodding parity on hair, then!

You know, I think you should both go and see Gus about this.

Good idea!

Oh, no, you don't!

Joy, are you gonna spend the whole day just winding people up?

No, I'll probably break for lunch.

And I'd like three copies.

Now, you can manage that ok, can't you? Yes, mother.

You're looking pale.

Yes, well, I've been a bit tired ever since I got back

from making that series of reports in war-torn Azerbaijan.

Did you see those, by any chance?

Yes, I did.

I saw the one where your convoy was attacked.

It was extraordinary. You thought so?

Yes. You split four infinitives.

Yes, well, I was under machine-gun fire at the time, mother.

Grammar tends to be something of an afterthought

when you're attempting to keep your vital organs

free from red-hot bits of metal.

That report is up for an award, you know.

Really?

Well, let's hope the sloppy syntax doesn't count against it.

Now, then, I must get back to the faculty.

You won't make a hash of this, now, will you?

Mother, I'm perfectly capable, you know.

Yes.

I can still see that cat now.

Both shouting over each other

please, please, please!

Silence do you notice anything?

What?

The more strident you two get...

The calmer I become.

Why should he get an allowance I don't? Ditto!

Listen to yourselves.

There are people in this world with no money at all.

Who can't afford food. Or haircare.

Oh, don't exaggerate.

Arguing resumes all right, all right.

This is what I propose.

That we stay calm...

..And we visualise a mountain stream.

I'll pick the tapes up on Wednesday. Ok.

Oh, hello. You must be mrs day.

Professor day, yes.

Professor? Gosh!

And what are you a professor in?

Nuclear physics.

Oh, right. That's very interesting.

All those neutrons and electrons and croutons.

They're bits of bread, George.

Oh, right, yes, of course.

Come on, mother.

Who was that sad man?

No-one.

9.30am, Wednesday.

Yes. Er, listen, it was...

Well, it was very nice to see you.

Only, give me more warning next time, eh?

Well, then you and me could have a meal.

You and I could have a meal. Bye.

Any luck on the wedding guest front?

Er, no. None of the women in the office

feel that they can spare the time off tomorrow.

Right. Still, it's good they're so conscientious, eh?

Yes.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to find the hidden image in this 3d magic eye thing.

There's supposed to be a unicorn in it.

All I can see is Michael Howard with an axe in his head.

Yeah, well. See what you wanna see in those things.

Look, it's kilroy with a pineapple up his arse.

Oh, yeah!

Jeremy hanley's made another gaffe.

He should really think before he speaks.

Yeah, well, we can't wait that long.

Yes, well, visualising a mountain stream with Sally's corpse in it

wasn't quite entering into the spirit of it, Henry.

Still, we won't make an issue of that. Ah, Helen.

Henry and Sally are giving in to stress

and generally laying themselves open to viral infections

over a little thing like money.

It's a situation that requires delicacy, perspective and wisdom.

So it's all yours.

Enjoy!

You know what makes me want to vomit about this mark Thatcher thing

is that we smugly congratulate ourselves on having a free press,

yet everyone knew how that charmless little toerag got rich overnight,

but it's taken ten bloody years for anyone to come out and say it.

They're only brave enough to say it now

because his mum's become a sad old bag lady.

If she was still in power, this story would have been sat on

by the usual procession of nudges, whispers, threats and knighthoods.

Well, perhaps we won't phrase the news item quite like that.

Dave, let's see if we can get a quote from baroness Thatcher,

preferably before lunchtime. Joy, this ambulance story.

Have we got a quote from the ambulance service yet?

Still holding.

Ready for the off, then, George?

I think so. Ooh, nice card.

"To Margaret and Todd, from George.

"I hope you get everything that you deserve."

Ah, Sally, about this receipt for yesterday's lunch expenses.

�40 exactly. I trust it will be honoured in the interests of parity.

Yes, it's just that �40 is rather a lot for a rye biscuit

with some cottage cheese on it.

Yes, well, I had it delivered. Yes... by a Bentley?

From basingstoke?

It's the principle, Helen, I'm merely making a point.

Gus, I've got a bit of a problem.

Sally has put in this absurd expenses claim and now...

I've let go of that, Helen. Oh, you're hunching those shoulders.

Small tip.

Relax your tongue and your body will follow. It's all in there.

"To mend, you must transcend." Bloody hell.

The man reads one book and turns into the dalai sodding lama!

I met the dalai lama once.

He was being interviewed by Henry back in '78.

He was a nice man, wasn't he, Henry? Yes.

Not much cop at arm wrestling, though.

But a good laugh down the disco.

What's this? A receipt.

�40 on hair products?

That's �20 a hair.

For god's sake, this has got to stop.

Ok, if we're quick, I've got Damien's mum's home movies.

This is private, we shouldn't really watch this.

Which one's Damien? That's him holding the camera.

Yeah, must be.

Look at the way he's zooming in on the maggots in that dead starling.

Bell rings, cat meows

'mother, look at me!' 'Not now, thank you, dear.'

'but, mother, look. I'm working the camera while riding my bike.

'Not bad for a seven-year-old, huh?' 'Yes, dear.'

Damien screeches, clattering

'mother! Look at me!

'Mother! Coo-ee!

'Mother!' Branch creaks

'good god almighty.' 'Ignore him, Trevor.

'He's just after some attention.'

'mot...' Screams

branch creaks and snaps

cat meows

wasn't that sad? Yes. The poor cat didn't stand a chance.

When you've all quite finished...

..Could I have my tape back now, please?

Thank you. Oh, er, in the future,

perhaps you might all show the faintest glimmer of respect

for a fellow human being's privacy?

Hang on, we've just been lectured on privacy by the man

who planted a tape recorder in Alan Clark's duvet.

Well, here I go.

You nervous?

No, don't worry. It's no big deal.

I'm writing off 30 years of my life, but Margaret's interests come first.

As always. Still, like I say, I'm not bitter.

Mm. Black confetti.

Yes. Unusual, isn't it?

Damien, how are we doing on the police footage?

You ok? Yeah, fine. 100%.

You've been crying, haven't you? Crying, what are you talking about?

When have you ever known me cry?

I've been shot at by the khmer Rouge,

stoned by islamic fundamentalists,

tarred and feathered by millwall fans.

I don't remember that story. It wasn't on a story.

It was one of Henry's pub crawls. He told them I was Graham Taylor's son.

Are you sure... Look, I do not cry, ok?

My eyes are watering due to an allergy.

Look, all I ever wanted was for her to say, "well done."

You know, the day I got my a level results,

I got three grade as and a b. "Shame about the b," she said.

Good job she wasn't Leonardo Da Vinci's mum, eh?

"Shame you never quite mastered the trampoline, Leonardo.

"Yes, I'll look at your Mona Lisa once I've finished the weeding."

She's always criticising.

If she corrects me one more time...

I'm sure she's proud of you, really.

Oh... we've got you all wrong, haven't we?

You're really a soft, sensitive person underneath.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just re-editing my Azerbaijan footage

to include the rebels playing football with this bloke's head.

All yelling

yes! The winner is, in lane two, Michael Howard.

Why are they all named after government ministers?

Damien, they're cockroaches. Oh, sorry.

In second place, pacy portillo.

Mine just went round in circles.

You shouldn't have backed John Major, should you?

What's going on here, David?

Er... just a bit of fun, Gus.

You know, old office tradition at party conference time.

Bit of a laugh.

Splendid.

Laughter's a marvellous form of therapeutic release.

Well done. Gus?

About this sally/henry expense fiasco...

Still hunching those shoulders, Helen.

Ah, George, how did Margaret's wedding go?

Well, I really rather enjoyed it.

My speech went down very well.

I didn't know you were gonna make a speech.

No, neither did she.

What exactly did you say in the speech, George?

Oh, just a few frothy anecdotes about Margaret, you know.

That funny story about the time

we shelled out all that money for a facelift

and that it didn't even work. Got quite a big laugh.

Not from Margaret's table, though. So, what stories are we looking at?

Well, we're following up on lamont

saying the European union is a bad idea

and how he had his fingers crossed

while he was negotiating the maastricht treaty.

Then there's Kuwait, unemployment figures, and some more on Maggie.

It's funny, you know, I've always hated Thatcher's politics,

but seeing her looking all frail and worried up there on the podium,

you know, a human level, you have to feel sorry for her, don't you?

No. No, you're right, let's enjoy it.

All right, anything else? Yes.

Either I get a response to my formal request

for the same lunch allowance as Henry,

or I shall withdraw my labour. How would you like that?

How would we tell?

If she gets parity, then I will... yes, yes, all right.

I have found a way out of this impasse.

Sally, you will be pleased to hear

that I am scrapping Henry's lunch allowance,

and, Henry, you will be thrilled to know

that I am abolishing Sally's hair allowance.

What?! Hell's bells!

Right, we'll see what sir royston has to say about this.

Oh, he loves the idea.

In fact, he suggested I review all your allowances. You...

You've spoken to sir royston? At some length, yes.

Yes, but I do that, Helen.

I talk to sir royston.

Well, you were too busy playing golf with your inner child. Excuse me.

Well, didn't Helen handle that well, Gus?

Showed real leadership qualities.

You must be thrilled,

what with you wanting to take a back seat and everything.

You know, I reckon you'd be able to step down completely soon.

Now that would be relaxing. Permanently.

Oh, Gus? Forgot your book.

Burn it!

Could someone please inform Damien that the time is nine thirty

and that his mother is here as agreed? Of course.

Actually, professor day, could we have a word? It won't take a moment.

All right, Gus?

Would you like to, er, like to see my photos? Yeah, all right.

It's gotta be better than working.

Is that the groom? Yes.

Why is his nose bleeding?

George, you didn't... Oh, good lord, no, Dave.

What do you take me for?

Do you seriously think that I would punch the groom on his wedding day?

No, of course not. No, Margaret did that.

She took exception to Todd dancing cheek to cheek

with one of the guests.

Here's one of the moment where she actually threw the punch.

I might get that one framed.

Thing is, all Damien wants is for you to tell him you're proud of him.

Well, of course I'm proud of him.

But have you actually mentioned it to him?

Look, I know I'm not exactly the mother in the waltons,

but life is a race.

And you don't equip your boy to survive by mollycoddling him.

Denying him praise was... my way of making him an achiever.

I was only doing...

We were just having a chat.

Well, I'll leave you two to... chat.

Oh, Helen.

If I could interact with you a moment.

It's about these new studio tariffs. Ok, I'll deal with it.

I'll take the decisions around here, missy!

Though, of course, I, er, I always value your input.

Oh, brilliant

So we can wave goodbye to the intensely-irritating yogic yuppie

who talked total bollocks,

and welcome back the paranoid smarm ball who talks total bollocks!

And by the way, you're hunching your shoulders.

Thank you for doing these, Damien. I appreciate it.

No, please, it was my pleasure. Brought back lots of memories.

Damien, I, er... I am very proud of you, you know.

I've always been very proud of you.

I'm sorry. I should have said so.

I've been too hard on you.

Oh, mother. It doesn't matter.

I mean, now I know that you're proud of me,

well... oh, I couldn't be happier if I was a millionaire.

If I were a millionaire, dear.

Now, this is the bride and groom going away.

You can just see them in the back of the ambulance.

What's that cockroach doing in there? Lap of honour.

For god's sake, get rid of it. Take it back where you found it.

If you say so. Joy, will you take Michael back to the canteen, please?

God! Squelching

that was a six-times winner!

I was gonna put him out to stud.

Right, charnley, you're fined �100.

Now get your arse into gear.

He doesn't seem so relaxed now.

You'll find my son in there,

banging his head against the wall and sobbing,

but ignore him. He only wants some attention.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes. This is one of me dancing the lambada.

My god, George, who is that stunning-looking woman?

Oh, she's, er, she's my plus one.

She's a friend. Her name is...

It's Celine from the paragon escort agency. You know her?

Only biblically.

She's the, er, she's the agency's number one girl.

She is drop dead gorgeous, isn't she?

Oh, no, let me get this straight.

You hired a beautiful call girl

to accompany you to your ex-wife's wedding

just to rub her nose in it,

and you then got this woman to make a pass at the groom

and ruin their wedding day?

That's what you did, isn't it, George?

Yes. That's what I did.

And it was the best �2,000 I have ever spent!

Right, Sally, the Tory conference.

Looks like portillo had the edge over heseltine.

Yes, his hair was far more impressive. No, I meant...

Never mind.

Perhaps we could compare their positions

on a referendum over Europe?

Yes, I wouldn't be so suspicious of referenda

if it didn't mean everyone getting the vote.

Even the little people who can't be expected to understand anything.

Let's come back to that one, shall we?

Now, Michael Howard and ID cards.

And I'm not convinced about ID cards either.

Doesn't seem workable. Right.

A better system would be to brand a number onto people's foreheads.

That way, criminals can be identified immediately.

And it saves a lot of time and trouble.

And everyone gets branded, do they? Not everyone.

Just those sections of society who ought to be.

And how do we decide who they are?

You can just tell by looking at them.

Don't you think that's a little bit draconian?

I've never actually been to draconia

but it sounds like they've got the right idea.

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