Original subtitles

'And now, drop the dead donkey.

'This episode was first broadcast in September '94,

'in a week when a mental patient found his way into a lion cage,

'and some semtex found its way into a prison cell

'to the embarrassment of home secretary Michael Howard.'

bell tolls

we commit his body to the ground.

Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

In the sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life

through our lord Jesus Christ,

who shall change our vile body

that it may be like unto his glorious body,

according to the mighty working,

whereby he is able to subdue all things in himself.

The grace of the lord Jesus Christ, and the love of god,

and the fellowship of the holy ghost be with us all evermore.

Amen.

Ah, well. Yeah.

That's that.

What a wonderful character he was. Yes.

It's tragic, tragic.

If you'll excuse me,

I'm just going to share my grief with those reporters.

He's still with us, really.

Every time we think of him, we'll smile.

Isn't that right, joy?

Oh, no, I'm smiling because I can see them

wheel-clamping Damien's Porsche. What?

Oh, the bastards!

God, I'll miss him.

Yes, poor old Ted. What a journalist.

He'll be up there now, shagging all the tastiest seraphim

and sticking a pint of lager in god's right hand.

Are you ok, Gus?

It's very deep, isn't it?

Well, yes, but...

I never been at a burial scenario before.

I had no idea the hole was so deep.

Come on, Gus. So...

..So deep.

Helen...

I think I might need a bit of help here.

You will come back, won't you, Henry?

Course I will.

Poor Susan. Yeah.

Handsome woman. Yeah.

Very handsome woman.

Oh, no.

You are not seriously proposing going to a funeral

and trying to pull the wife of the deceased?

It's what Ted would have wanted. Oh, please!

He was a great bloke, Ted.

A great sense of humour. Yes.

George, do remember that time when you annoyed old Ted, and he held you

upside down for 20 minutes and banged your head on the floor?

Happy days.

So, you liberated the Porsche, then? Yeah.

It was those private clampers.

They're just cynical opportunists.

They completely ignored my disabled sticker.

Isn't flambe-being a wheel clamp illegal, joy?

Yes, Helen, like speeding, which is why he's in court tomorrow.

It'll be a doddle. I'll get a dinky little fine

and a slap on the wrist, just like the last five times.

I mean, if there's anything I can do, Susan,

I mean, anything at all... Excuse me. Sorry, Susan.

Could I have a word, please?

Henry, I'm really think you're crossing the line here.

Yes, you're right.

Ted's not been gone five minutes, and I'm trying it on with Susan.

I should show some decorum. Exactly.

Leave it till the memorial service. Oh, for god's sake!

Look, in the meantime,

let's pull the caterers in honour of poor Ted.

I will not be part of this tackiness, ok?

We are not here to blag women. We are here to remember our friend.

No, you're right. It's what Ted would have wanted.

You feeling better now, Gus? I'm sorry, Helen.

I had a bit of a composure shortfall earlier.

I think it was just the finality of it all.

Yes, the undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveller returns.

Hamlet. Our amateur dramatic society did it last year.

I was fortinbras, but Janine the director said she saw fortinbras

as blonder, so instead I was fortinbras' personal assistant.

I mean, one day, I just won't be here any more.

There is a kind of order in it all, though, isn't there?

The way we are all returned to dust, break down into molecules,

and then tiny particles of us float around the world forever and ever.

Just think, there could be a bit of Julius Caesar in that sandwich.

Excuse me.

I think I helped him come to terms with it, don't you?

Well, you certainly gave him something to think about.

Right, more on this policy of returning the mentally ill

to the care of the lion enclosure.

Authorities say this bloke who reckons he's the son of god

and jumped in with the lions,

is perfectly safe and discharged him.

Oh, well. They know best.

Joy, let's dig out the footage from last year of that bloke

who jumped into the same cage.

I wonder what the poor lions make of it all.

I mean, everyday, they are given these old haunches of beef to eat,

and then once a year as a treat,

they get something big wrapped in an anorak.

Then just as they are about to enjoy it, it gets dragged away.

What you think? I'm attending a royal gala performance

at covent garden tomorrow.

I'll be sitting directly behind prince Charles.

You'll have to ask him to tuck his ears in, then.

It's la traviata.

Oh, that's so sad. When she dies of consumption...

Yes, can we get on?

Big nuclear proliferation story. Seems another lot's got the bomb.

Where? Cell 31, whitemoor prison.

Where have you two been? We've been embarking on a commemorative bender.

We'll leave no drink undrunk... no girl un-roggered.

..And no hare krishna un-punched.

So, drink and be merry... For tomorrow we die.

You just speak for yourself, ok?

Now, can we get on? Quite.

Haiti. The Americans have killed nine people

and they're not from their own side. Bit of a turn up there.

We've got some more footage of the killings.

Is it absolutely necessary to use the word "killings"?

It does carry overtones of...

Death. Yeah.

And I don't think people want to see too much death on the news.

On the contrary, the viewers find it reassuring.

They want to see as much death, anguish and suffering as possible.

All happening to other people. That's a very cynical view.

It's honest, and I decided life is too short to be anything but honest.

Viewers are smug, bloodthirsty bastards.

Peter greenaway's films are crap.

Gerry Adams should have stuck to using that actor's voice.

Damien loves his Porsche,

because he couldn't have a relationship with a human being.

You'd be quite nice if you weren't such an officious tight-arse.

That's the grief talking, Helen.

Do we want this? The oj trial.

Apparently, he's singing and humming to himself in the court.

Well, he's obviously preparing for the Broadway version.

Helen, do you think you could possibly test me on my lines?

Only, we've a rehearsal tonight.

All right. Oh, Romeo and Juliet.

I'm second servant. Ok, away you go.

Aye, boy. Ready?

Is that it?

Well, second servant does have more lines, but Janine cut them.

She said my performance was so powerful,

I was drawing attention away from Romeo.

Right.

George, can we pool our brain spaces into a centre of excellence?

Coming.

God, I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.

Whose is it? Mine!

I knew I should have read it before it went to the publishers.

This is a very lacklustre running order.

For instance, how are we covering the falling crime figures?

Well, we're not really sure.

We've never had to report a drop in crime figures before.

I don't want your excuses, man!

God!

Are you ok, Gus?

George...

When we go...

..Do you think that's it?

Oh, no. I like to think we go on a journey.

But what with?

If we're in a box,

deep in the cold earth being nibbled,

what's there to take on this journey?

Only the soul makes the journey.

And supposing you had no soul?

Everyone has a soul, Gus.

That's like saying supposing someone had no heart or no feelings.

Anyway, if that's all... I can't face it, George.

The thought that, one day, I won't be here any more.

And it could be tomorrow, couldn't it?

Oh, come off it, Gus.

Stop being so morbid. You've got so much to live for.

You got your career, you've got...

Good lord, is that the time?

Time waits for no man, eh? Not that we're short of time.

We've all got bags of time, really. Time coming out of our ears.

Don't you worry about it. You keep smiling.

Every "shroud" has a silver lining.

Anyway, perhaps I'll just...

Clock ticks

ticking intensifies

ticking stops

Sally... please. I'm trying to think.

Well, stick at it. You'll crack it one day.

Morning, George. What's in there?

It's my costume for tonight's rehearsal.

I've been recast as the fourth fryer.

How many lines has he got?

None. But Janine says that his silence

is the most powerful statement in the whole play.

Of course. Where is everyone?

Gus rang in to say he's contactable all day at the gym,

Damien's in court, joy's gone to watch...

And Dave and Henry, the sultans of sin, are here.

So, was the night a fitting memorial to Ted, then?

It certainly was.

It certainly was.

We got through six bottles of scotch and two blonde caterers.

How come you two haven't got hangovers?

We haven't got hangovers, because we haven't stopped drinking yet.

Phone rings

hello. Oh, hello, Gus.

What you boning up on opera for, anyway? It's the royal gala tonight.

If his royal highness asks me what I think,

I want him to see how well-informed I am.

Opera's perfectly simple.

Fat tart comes on, fat tart sings, fat tart dies.

That's all you need to know.

Where you going? Some player has let Gus down.

He's insisting I go down to the sports centre.

I do hope he doesn't keep doing those sliding tackles.

Are you playing football? No, squash.

He's so competitive. Anyway, shan't be long.

Judges! Sodding judges!

Bunch of Jurassic, lobotomised transvestites.

Dinky little fine, then, was it?

He's only gone and banned me for a year from driving.

I mean, isn't that a disgrace?

Bastard said I should set an example.

And the next smirk that I see wins its lucky owner

a get-away-from-it-all break to an intensive care unit.

Where the hell is joy? She's supposed to be

driving the Porsche back. She should be here by now.

New item nine, three more prisoners have escaped.

Perhaps they were getting lonely.

I thought, perhaps, we could just have a knock-up.

A knock-up?

Yeah, you know, a knock-up.

Just play for the fun of it, rather than as a contest.

I'm sorry, George, you've lost me.

You know, seeing how many times you can...

Doesn't matter.

Grunts aggressively

one love.

Come on, George, this is my first game of the day.

Push me to the limit, man.

We don't want to overdo it. None of us are getting any younger.

That's where you're wrong, George.

They're nice. Yes, granny left them to me.

She used to use them to watch me from the house

when I was playing in the garden.

She was always worried I'd slip my tether.

La traviata tonight, isn't it?

I've always felt that was verdi's definitive work.

So, you're an opera buff? Well...

Tell me, David, if someone were to ask you to cite

the top eight opera soloists, who would you choose?

Well, carreras, obviously.

Um, Domingo.

Pavarotti.

Er, Maserati.

Streptococci.

Trampoliney, windowleney and hunky-dory.

Yes. Same as my list.

And where the hell have you been with my Porsche?

Calm down. I just took it for a burn along the dual carriageway.

What a great feeling, eh?

Roaring past tossers in BMW's, cutting up panda cars.

What? Don't worry!

I lost them doing a handbrake turn in the underpass.

Oh, my god! And you've parked it outside?

Yeah. Good.

Well, it's not there.

Oh, reg from sound asked if he could take it for a spin.

Reg?

Blind reg?

Yeah. He'll be fine.

You're insured for any other driver, aren't you?

It's always been his ambition to drive a Porsche.

He looked so chuffed sitting there behind the wheel,

feeling for the gear stick...

Oh, no! I'm teasing, Damien.

Blind reg didn't take it for a spin. Oh, thank god.

It was psycho Pete from security.

Don't worry, I made sure he took his librium first.

In my opinion, George, the best thing for this dizzy spell

of yours is another long, exciting rally.

Do you know, a cult in California claims that,

through constant aerobic activity and positive thinking,

you can actually stop the ageing process.

Oh, really?

I've sent off for the book. Forever on five dollars a day.

I've just got to go for it.

Do you realise what it would mean

if I could achieve my physical renewal performance target?

The fateful day might never come.

Gus hedges would be immortal.

He what? He wants to live forever.

He's found this cult that are into cellular reawakening.

What do you think? I want to make a good impression

on prince Charles. After all, you never know.

What's that supposed to mean? You never...

Oh, my god, she thinks she can pull Charles.

Hell's bells, queen Sally I. Think of the embarrassment.

All those hgvs parked out the back of Buckingham Palace.

Well, come on, there's no chance, is there?

Charles is hardly likely to marry a manipulative, air-headed...

Oh, shit!

She has to be stopped!

All right, very funny.

Who dubbed the bishop of durham using the voice of Julian clary?

To Ted! To Ted!

When are you two going to grow up? Bzz! Pass.

Phone rings

hello. Oh, hello, Gus. How's things going?

Getting fitter and younger.

Yes! You bastard!

Tell Dave to get his arse down here for six.

I need fresh blood.

Helen, listen, about tomorrow morning, I will,

as ever, try to get in as quickly as I can,

but you may have to see me when you see me.

The rail strike's been settled.

Oh, good.

Well, what do you think? Very nice.

I have to say, my dear, you look just like Audrey hepburn...

Oh, Henry.

..As she is now.

Hello, Janine. I've had a bit of a disaster.

Well, I brought my fourth friar's costume

into the office, and somebody seems to have walked off with it.

Well, I must say, you're taking it very well.

Ok. Yes.

Right, thanks.

Has she got another costume?

No, she's recast me as an understudy...

..To the prompter. Well, that's...

I'll just go and get the running order.

Hey, Damien, psycho Pete has just pulled up in your Willy-mobile.

I daren't look.

No, it's ok, there's not a mark on it.

He's parking it nicely, and he's getting out of it now.

Oh, thank god for that.

And blind reg is getting in. What?

What's he doing in my car? It's his turn.

His turn? Yes, nice little fundraiser.

�20 a spin, all proceeds to Ted's widow.

Oh, Jesus!

Bad news, brain death, these things don't work.

What are you talking about, philistine?

Give them to someone who still has motor functions.

Oh, there, you see, they work perfectly.

I can see every egg stain on George's cardigan.

Well, must dash.

Don't want to keep his royal highness waiting.

I'm sure you'll make a lasting impression.

I intend to.

What is it now? For the last time, you two, this is a place of work.

Since when?

All right, then, I'll have paddy ashdown for 20p,

and Michael maid for 40p. What are you doing?

We're playing fantasy government.

You select an imaginary cabinet team,

then you get points every time one of your choices cocks something up.

You can pick any public figure. Although, obviously,

no-one's allowed to pick John Major, otherwise there's no point playing.

I'm cleaning up. I've got Michael Howard.

I just wanted to say that your juvenile,

little prank failed abysmally.

Because of the daily conspiracy against me in this office,

I'm on constant alert, and you would have to get up

very early in the morning to catch me out.

Good night, children.

Sally!

Yes, little miss memo?

Have a nice evening.

201, 202, 203...

Mr hedges. Yes.

I'm Simon gish, the manager here.

I understand you are about to play another game.

Just waiting for my next opponent.

Yes, it's just you've played 11 games in succession now and...

Well, don't you think you've played enough?

No, siree. I'm in major cellular rejuvenation mode.

Fast tracking my way to eternal biological viability.

Yes, indeedy.

And I'm not stopping now.

Very well.

But I must stress, it's at your own risk.

There's no risk.

I'm an anti-mortality machine. Regenerating, vibrating with life.

He chuckles

Gus hedges.

You're looking at him. Gasps

oh, my god!

You will take that costume off

before we reach the hospital, won't you, sir?

Yes, of course, sorry.

Everything all right? Yeah.

Just a minor cardiac disturbance.

Nature's way of giving you the yellow card, mate.

Let's get you off to hospital.

Just got to make a slight detour.

Some blind twat has wrapped a Porsche around a lamp post.

Is he all right? Yeah. Well, the driver's fine,

but a bystander's had a bit of a breakdown.

Keeps cuddling the wreckage.

We've made a day of it, haven't we?

We've caused blind reg to total Damien's car,

we've given Damien a nervous breakdown,

and we've hospitalised Gus with a heart attack.

It's what Ted would have wanted.

I reckon Gus has been pretty lucky.

I'll say. Finding a hospital that's open.

No, it means he'll miss the labour party conference.

God, I'm not looking forward to that.

Nor is Tony Blair. Is Tony Blair a member of the labour party?

And we'll have to edit down all those Gordon brown speeches.

Oh, yes, what was he blathering on about the other day?

The growth of post-neoclassical indigenous growth theory.

Don't think he's related to Gus, do you?

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