Original subtitles

And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first shown in march '93,

in a week when Fiona Armstrong quit gmtv,

the BBC axed eldorado,

and John birt's tax arrangements continued to spark controversy.

Gus: All right, mate? Terrific show. Hope you win.

Splendid.

All right, mate? Terrific show. Hope you win!

Who was that? Haven't a clue.

Jolly good. How are...? How are you, Neil?

Hello. Good to see you. Hard luck.

I voted for you, mate. Hey, we must have lunch sometime.

Yeah, sure, yeah. I'd rather have smallpox.

Come on, Henry, enter into the spirit of it a bit more.

Oh, look, there's Fiona Armstrong.

Hello, Fiona. Quitting to spend more time with the family?

Well, at least now more people will see you in the mornings.

Oh, joy, excellent to see you!

You don't have to do that, Gus, I'm someone you know.

Gus, how lovely to see you!

Your dress!

Mm, gorgeous, isn't it?

Why, it's exactly the same as yours.

Well, what were the odds against that?

Gus, what's she doing here?!

Well, we had a spare ticket

and I thought she was the most telegenic of the staff.

Excuse me, Gus,

the photographers want a picture of me and Lynn yates.

Apparently, the best foreign award is between my Somalia story

and her yugoslavia one.

Photographer: So, who's going to win?

Oh, it really doesn't matter. We're both on the same side.

The side of truth.

Exactly! I hope you win, Damien.

No, I really think you deserve it, eh? Good luck!

Hope the bitch dies.

Looking forward to tonight, George?

Oh, yes. Good to relax. Get away from the office.

What do you think we should do about this rise in road tax?

It's outrageous. It'll hit the poorer people.

I wouldn't have thought you'd be concerned.

Well, of course I am.

What is the point in having a flash car, like a Porsche,

if you can't zoom past the cheaper ones looking cool?

I suppose we ought to mention this speculation that sir roysten

may be selling his stake in globelink.

I don't think so, George. We are globelink news.

Not tittle tattle television.

All right, now, listen up award busters.

Team talk, come along.

I have got, I have got some terrific news.

I've just discovered that the awards committee...

Bunch of wankers!

..That the awards committee have given tonight's award

for lifetime's contribution to broadcasting... to Henry.

Henry, that's brilliant! Well done, mate! Congratulations.

Like I said, bunch of wankers.

Very odd reaction.

Obviously, we have a kid glove handling situation with Henry

so let's make sure... Minister! Good to see you.

Oh, good to see you again, erm...

Gus hedges. We met at John major's opinion formers' lunch.

And I know John very well. We've met twice.

Well, I've met him three times, actually.

Meeting the prime minister that amount of times

amounts to a major achievement! They laugh

"major achievement," it's very funny.

We must mingle, Richard.

Oh, yes. It was lovely to see you, erm...

Sally and Gus. Sally and Gus.

You know, that man, that man could be our next Prime Minister.

Well, he's stupid enough!

Well, he's the classic ambitious young Tory.

Got a safe constituency, strong backbench support

and a mistress in pimlico.

Shush! Don't bandy that around! It's only a rumour.

Anyway, let's operate a zipped lips scenario over this one.

Oh, come on, Gus, no-one's going to be so unprofessional

as to raise something like that.

I see the pimlico pussy poker's talking to David frost.

Gus!

How are things going?

Sorry to hear about sir roysten selling his stake in globelink.

Oh, that's just idle speculation. Not according to our city desk.

Look, if it is true and you find that the new regime don't want you,

don't worry, they'll always be a job for you with us at the beeb.

That's very kind, Gary. Yeah.

Both: Cos tea boys are hard to find!

They laugh

forced laughter

old Gary and Barry, always joshing!

Sir roysten wouldn't do something like that

without letting me know, would he?

Time we were going in. Come on, George.

And take that coat off!

I was working too late to get to moss bros.

Don't get me wrong, sue, I think you're a terrific newscaster.

I just feel that if you want to break into the top Echelon,

you do need to extend your range.

Extend my range?

Yes, you know, write recipe books, bring out exercise videos,

open the odd DIY centre. Just lighten the image up a bit.

Thank you for the advice, Sally. It's my pleasure.

And, if you need any little hints on dress sense,

don't feel embarrassed to come to me.

I see somebody already has.

Evening, Elvis.

Helen, listen, do you fancy the two of us going on somewhere afterwards?

You know, if you feel like it?

Dave, for the last time, there are three very good reasons

why you and I are not fated to be lovers.

One - we work together,

two - we're emotionally incompatible,

three - I'm a lesbian.

Oh, look, you're just looking for obstacles now!

Look, Helen, if the problem is me, I can change.

But not into a woman.

All right, you two?

All right, Sally?

Just putting zeinab badawi straight about lipstick.

What are you doing, Damien?

Oh, look, he's writing his acceptance speech.

Dave laughs

"this award is not for me, but for the people of Somalia..."

Oh, look, give me that!

"I was privileged to share their hopes, their fears

"and often their suffering"?!

Room service is very poor at the mogadishu Hilton.

Yeah, well, it wasn't by staying in some hotel room

that I managed to get that great footage

of emaciated, starving children desperately reaching out for food.

Oh, for heaven's sake! Don't you two know?

It's very bad manners to talk about starving people at the dinner table.

Honestly!

I've just been talking to the boys from the beeb.

They reckon they're gonna get these new Japanese computers

that don't need keyboards.

They just detect the waves from the brain.

Oh, if Dave had one, it would have to be a laptop.

I, er, hope you don't mind me interrupting?

Oh, no, not at all.

I just felt you should know...

..Someone in the media's been circulating

some appalling rumours about you...

Well, having an affair.

Really?

Obviously, they're totally invented. Yeah, obviously. I...

You don't happen to know what it is they've invented, exactly?

Well, I did hear talk of some rather intimate photographs of you,

but I expect they just superimposed the head.

The head? Oh, I see, yes.

Hi, sal. Lovely dress. Where's captain bollocks?

Who? He's over there.

Gus! I just wanted to...

Good grief, what's that behind you? What?

Oh, it's just your career. They laugh

what a pair of pranksters, eh?

Sir roysten's selling up indeed.

Well, he has been meeting with a consortium of potential buyers.

I knew that! Of course I did. You shouldn't read too much into it.

Look, it's a night away from the office,

so why don't we just sit back, relax

and enjoy Henry picking up his big award?

I'm not accepting the damn thing!

What?! Too bloody late.

Reggie, Sandy, Robin - they all got one years ago.

Me, I never got anything at an award ceremony,

apart from a rather bad case of thrush

when I picked up one of the waitresses.

Now they've decided to present me with a

"we can't think of anyone else to give it to,

"so let's give it to what's his name before he snuffs it" award.

Well, sod 'em!

I'm going to the bar to drink myself stupid.

But how will we tell?

When he starts sounding like you. Joy!

? Are you lonesome tonight? ?

Joy, are you going to spend this entire evening

just deliberately annoying people?

Why else would I come?

Oh, look, there's Jenny seagrove. This should be fun.

Both chanting: Closing down, closing down, closing down!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

It's the executive producer of eldorado.

Want a refill?

No, thanks.

Do you want to marry me? Very funny.

I mean it.

Helen, um...

..Will you be my wife?

Oh, shit, you're serious.

I'm sorry. "Oh, shit, you're serious,"

is not quite the response you wanted, was it?

Why the hell do you wanna marry me, anyway?

Because it's... different with you. I just wanna be with you.

This is absurd.

I know we slept together, once.

But I'm just not interested, ok?

All right, fine. You're scared of commitment.

Scared of commitment?!

This from the man who's been through more secretaries than Alfred marks.

Seen our friend the minister going around the tables

having private chats with all the editors. Any idea why?

Oh, he just likes chatting over a glass of wine.

Richard's always been very clubbable.

Yeah, anyone got a club?

I was just telling him what a well-judged budget it was.

Well, the way I see it, in order to benefit,

you'd have to be a racehorse-owning whiskey drinker

who's liable to die before September.

So, good news for Henry.

I've just had a very odd conversation

with Jenny seagrove, joy. She didn't appreciate your

"doesn't his zimmer frame get in the way?" Joke.

And I don't think John birt's wife appreciated Henry asking

if she'd do some typing for him.

Jon snow: Ladies and gentlemen,

the actual ceremony is about to begin,

so could you please return to your places.

Gus, more good news about sir roysten.

Didn't you hear that? He said to get back to your seats!

Both: Ooh!

And now to present the award for best foreign report, sue carpenter.

Applause

Sally: Oh, dear.

Those earrings are a mistake.

Your royal highness, ladies and gentlemen...

..The winner is... Lynn yates for her report from Sarajevo.

Applause

please, god, let the cow fall down the stairs and break her neck.

This award is not for me, but for the people of yugoslavia.

I was fortunate enough to share...

Very good, isn't she?

Never mind, Damien. Nice smile.

And we're going to win one gong, because you're up next, Henry.

You wanna bet?

And we'll be back after the break. Jingle

Helen, I've been meaning to say,

about that time when I asked you out and you said no.

I was childish and I'm sorry.

I can see there's a bit of a spark between you and young Dave,

and, well, you're my friends.

You're young, you're in love.

So god bless you.

I appreciate you're trying to help,

but if you say one more word, I shall remove the remnants

of your brain via your ear hole with this corkscrew.

Well, that's very nice. You try to be helpful

and then people just resort to unpleasantness,

and then trigger your mystery tummy trouble.

Excuse me.

Well, I'm sorry, but he can be a real Wally sometimes.

You know, you get a lovely spark in your eye when you're angry.

Give me strength.

Gus, how are you, you old son of a gun?

Oh, I'm a-1, 200%, all systems go and ace, triff and brill.

Good, good. Not too worried, then,

by all these rumours about sir roysten shipping out?

Oh, there's always this silly gossip flying around.

Absolutely. For instance, at the moment,

I understand there's this laughable rumour circulating

about me and my personal assistant.

Is there?

I've been having a chat with some of the other top news executives.

They all felt that the airwaves shouldn't be cheapened

by this sort of tittle-tattle.

Oh, absolutely.

I'm a committed anti-tittle-tattle person.

And globelink news would never touch any unsubstantiated tapes

of two people having sex in a pimlico flat.

Excellent.

Besides, it doesn't sound anything like you.

Almost the whole of the office agree. No, no.

We'd never touch that sort of stuff.

We are a serious news organisation.

I have just been discussing the BBC's yugoslavia coverage

with Michael buerk. Ah, there, you see.

"Michael," I said,

"don't let Kate adie do reports in that quilted waistcoat.

"She looks like something out of a littlewoods catalogue."

Well, you deserved it, Lynn.

And, listen, you just ignore all those people

who are putting your win down to tokenism.

No, I'm sure the fact that you're a telegenic girly

never entered the judges' heads.

Quite. Just as I'm sure the judges ignored all those rumours

about you sellotaping a cheese sandwich to the camera

to get that starving refugee shot in Somalia.

Yeah, actually, I'm still a little puzzled

as to how that rumour got into circulation, because as I recall

you were the only other Western correspondent there at the time.

So I was.

You got to the judges, didn't you?

Hello, you two. Nice to see competitors smiling.

I'm gonna kill the bitch. Oh, no, not again.

You just wait, yates! Down a dark alley...

Come with me. Yeah, well, she's dead, mate!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the second half of tonight's ceremony is about to commence.

Please return to your seats.

But where's Henry? It's his award next.

He's just ordering a whiskey.

The cameras will be on him. I trust he's not going to sit there

with a glass of scotch in front of him.

Henry, er, it's, um... It's... it's your award next.

You... you are going to accept it, aren't you?

Henry? Jingle plays

welcome back, viewers.

And we continue now with the special award

for lifetime contribution to factual broadcasting,

and, to present this award, the right honourable Neil kinnock.

Applause

your royal highness, ladies and gentlemen,

this award goes to the king of newsreaders.

A man of huge authority, but of great charm and warmth, too.

Henry, the cameras are on you.

He richly deserves his place in the pantheon of British broadcasters.

Please, Henry.

The man, of course, is none other than Henry Davenport.

Applause

well...

Oh, gosh, ladies and gentlemen,

this comes as a total surprise.

I don't know...

I don't know what to say, except to, um...

..To thank all my colleagues.

Mobile rings

however, it may be an appropriate moment for me to make...

Hello? ..A few small reflections...

It's sir roysten, for you... On my time in TV journalism.

It was many years ago when I...

I see, sir roysten.

So what attitude do you think the new owners will take towards me?

More years than I care to remember,

I have worked with all the TV giants,

the giants of TV news...

But sadly, they've all gone,

and our industry is now run...

By pygmies!

Anodyne androids like him and him and him.

And our so-called chief executive,

who has the intellect of a cheeseburger!

Well, I... I'm perfectly happy to move my things out of the office,

but is it really necessary for me to hoover the room as well?

Whatever you say.

And there's definitely no chance of a post

elsewhere in your organisation?

Man: No, no, no, no, no, no, Gus.

What do you think of my sir roysten impression, then, eh?

Laughter

applause

and we'll be back after the break.

Jingle

Helen, listen... I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier.

I can't tell you how I feel, so... I've written you this.

It's a poem.

You can read it later.

No, I'll read it now.

Out loud.

Listen up, everyone. Dave's written me a poem.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Walk gently, maiden for you are treading on my heart...

Oh, this is horrible.

Pretty bad, yeah. What are you trying to do?!

Shock you into seeing some sense!

Do you still think you want to marry me?

Yes! All right, then I'm reading on.

You are my compass... i know what you're doing.

You're running from your own feelings.

For the umpteenth time, I would never marry you.

I would never even contemplate marrying you.

I would rather spend the rest of eternity stuck in a lift

with Terry Christian.

She knows how to hurt a man.

All right, troops. How was Henry's speech?

Interesting. Did I get a mention?

Oh, definitely.

What did sir roysten want?

Oh, it wasn't him, George. It was, er...

Doesn't matter.

Oh, god.

Oh, don't worry, Gus.

I'm sure all these rumours are just... rumours.

Well, what would I do, George, if I couldn't come into work every day?

Well, look on the bright side.

You'll have lots more time to yourself,

catch up with all your friends.

George, would you say that I was a shallow person?

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm sure you've got hidden depths.

Yes. Yes, that's what I think.

I don't suppose you know what they are, do you?

It's just that I don't know what I'd do if I didn't work.

I need to... jingle plays

welcome back again,

and now, to deliver the prestige award of the night,

will you welcome, please,

her royal highness, the princess royal.

Applause

Gus! Gus, sir roysten's about to issue his statement!

This is it! Urgh!

Princess Anne: Good evening.

I'd like to express my satisfaction

at being asked to present this award.

Mobile rings

it is a source of great pride to us in this country

that we continue to produce... yes? Oh, right.

Whispers: It's the statement.

Whispers: It's ok, sir roysten's definitely not going to sell.

Yes! Yes, you bastards!

Up yours, you bastards!

Sorry... your highness.

Yes, well, the whole evening's gone swimmingly, hasn't it?

Yes indeedy.

Gus, you swore in front of the princess royal

live on television.

It was just a hiccup. A little misunderstanding.

Anyway, hardly anyone noticed.

I'm going home.

This whole evening has turned into a series of humiliations.

And tomorrow morning, George, I expect a full enquiry

to find out who told Robin day that I fancied him!

Sorry, George, I was bored.

Had a bit of an iffy evening, haven't we, Gus?

A few tiny glitches, that's all.

Oh, Damien... Damien, dick. Dick, Damien.

Hard luck tonight, Damien.

Luck had nothing to do with it.

Nice dj.

Oh, thank you very much.

Enjoy the evening?

Passably.

Must be very difficult being a politician's wife.

You know, constantly being in the public eye.

It is quite demanding. Of course, it's not made any easier

when your husband is screwing the arse off his secretary.

Right, yes, of course.

Well, um, it's very brave of you to stand by him.

I'm not. I've sold the whole story to the mirror.

With the money from that, and the divorce settlement,

I should do rather well. Both laugh

he doesn't know it, but politically, my darling Dickie's career

is being flushed round the u-bend of history as we speak.

I'm going for some more champagne.

I've, er, just been reassuring the minister that all the hatches

have been firmly battened down on that silly adultery rumour.

Actually, Gus, um...

All in all, George, it's been a pretty good night for globelink.

What with sir roysten's statement, Henry's triumph...

..The general level of decorum shown by the staff...

Dave sobs

..and a splendid, splendid team effort

in the positive publicity department.

Oh, yes. A happy night!

Thump Damien: Oh, just one more, please!

Joy: So, main man,

what's marinating in the media microwave this morning?

George: We need an angle on princess Diana's speech

on the tragic waste of teenage homelessness.

How about, "Diana spouts fatuous truism

"in routine bid for publicity"?

I'm sure it was entirely genuine.

Yeah, a genuine attempt to upstage Charles's PR trip to Bosnia.

You don't like the royal family, do you, joy?

I like princess Anne. Well, I liked the look on her face

when Gus did his little cabaret routine last night.

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