Original subtitles

Voice-over: And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first shown in February '93,

in a week when the queen threatened the sun with legal action,

Michael heseltine was rumoured to have offered British coalmines

to Saudi Arabia, and British rail announced

a plan to test safety on platforms by tethering staff to posts.

And it is in these woods that the illegal hunters operate,

with their cruel and deadly mantraps, which can...

Cameraman yelps

why are you showing me that?

Because you almost maimed poor Gerry.

Let's just try to be constructive, Damien.

This is one of many incidents, and the techs are now

talking about blacking you, so what should we tell them?

Well, simple.

Tell them they're a bunch of big girls' blouses and sack the lot.

Well, that was constructive.

Morning, talent base.

Are the afterburners on full thrust? You bet.

What gives, main man? "Main man"?

I think that's you, George.

Oh, just a brief reminder that tomorrow sees

the dawning of our high-profile sports coverage,

fronted by our new presenter, pat pringle.

Pat pringle. You know, that name still rings a bell.

Used to be a soccer goalie, or something, didn't he?

Oh, of course. Pat pringle.

He kept goal for city in the '70s, do you remember?

He was called pat the panther, until that cup semi-final

where he threw the ball into his own net in the last minute.

After that, he was always pat the plonker.

Please, I don't like the use of the word "plonker".

Well, he was a plonker.

I had 90 quid riding on that semi-final.

A lot of money for a 12-year-old.

Well, I sincerely trust everyone will make him feel welcome.

Sally hums morning, Sally.

And how are you?

I'm in a particularly good mood, thank you, Gus.

Just had a meeting with the lawyers of a certain daily rag which,

you may recall, printed a particularly libellous article

about me some months back.

Was that the one that said you were difficult, spoiled,

deeply disliked and known around the office as mrs Hitler?

Yes.

And all the staff have wax effigies of you which they used to...

I think we all remember the article well enough.

Thank you, David.

Anyway, I'm pleased to report the reptiles caved in at the last moment

and offered me �50,000 as an out-of-court settlement.

Splendid. Which I refused.

You refused �50,000? But with your financial problems...

Gus, John Major's right.

These journalistic jackals have to be brought to book.

It's not the money, it's the principle.

Yes, I suppose so.

Besides, the lawyers say I'll get 300,000 in court.

So, the case commences Wednesday.

Needless to say, I shall be calling most of you to testify.

Testify to what?

Well, that I'm a valued colleague who isn't difficult to work with,

of course. Silly old George.

Yes, well, publicity-wise,

this is a rather regrettable gonads-in-a-guillotine situation.

Still, we'll just have to make the best of it.

I expect you all to show our teamwork,

and to emphasise that we run a happy ship.

And anyone who doesn't say we're a happy ship will be instantly fired.

Ok, troops... whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you seriously suggesting that we should hold a Bible,

take the oath, and then say that Sally is nice?

Exactly.

Gus, I would sooner perform oral sex on a diseased warthog.

You just have to be disgusting, don't you?

Right, let's crack on. Right, main story,

there's still a lot of confusion in the currency market.

Difficult story, isn't it?

I can't quite get the chronology correct.

Oh, it's simple.

John Major says he's taking personal control of the economy,

and the markets panic.

Then major says lamont is still in control, and the markets panic.

Then major says he and lamont are working as a team,

and the markets run to the toilet.

Yes. If only there was some kind of pattern.

There's loads of stuff on farmlands and chemicals.

Honestly, it's ridiculous,

all this stuff about pesticides affecting the brain.

My gran lived all her life in the country, and yet at 82,

she was still strong enough to put on her flak jacket,

climb the barn roof,

and nail the rabbit she'd strangled to the TV aerial.

Right. Well, we'll knock together some sheep dip footage.

Dave. Dave?

Sorry, sorry.

I was still troubled by the mental picture of Henry and the warthog.

Incidentally, I presume you all read my memo, 14 oblique d,

about avoiding duplication in requests from the tape library.

Henry, did you get that memo?

Hang on, I'll just look in my memo file.

That is quite unnecessary.

Helen is doing a marvellous job streamlining our procedures,

and I want you all to show her

the same kind of respect you show me.

Thanks, George. It needed saying.

Damien, about the techs... Yeah, I'm dealing with it.

There's no need to worry.

Each one of the technicians is going to receive one of these.

An apology? No, white feather.

'And city are defending superbly, as they have done throughout the match.

'They're just 20 seconds from wembley.

'And a beautiful catch by pringle.

'Oh, no, it's an own goal by pat pringle!

'They were oh, so close to a place in the fa cup final.'

right, regarding tape requests, we are still duplicating work,

so from now on, as she is our most efficient organiser,

all future requests will go through joy.

Actually, George, joy has a lot on her plate.

Oh, no. No, no, it's ok.

I can type with my nose, file with my feet

and have my lunch through an intravenous drip.

Now, don't start, joy. Helen knows what she's doing.

Yeah, well, you would say that,

because you just want to get inside her knickers.

That's not true.

It's not!

I have never wanted to get inside Helen's knickers.

Listen up, news patrol.

I'm sure this gentleman needs no introduction.

Our new sports presenter, pat the platypus.

Panther. Oh, I'm sorry.

Confused my mammals there.

Anyway, auf wiedersehen, amigo.

Oh, Henry, can we have a brief brainstorm in my work area?

Splendid. Hiya, pat. Dave charnley. Welcome.

You want a cup of tea? Oh, yeah, please.

Damien day.

Listen, perhaps you'd like a turn out between the posts

for our staff team. I mean,

don't worry, the games aren't serious, or anything.

Except when we play BBC news,

when we all try and kick the shit out of Nicholas witchell.

Um, no, no, thanks.

I don't play any more. Oh. Ok, fair enough.

Well, for the time being, you can share my terminal here.

Oh, cheers. What's this? 50 great football cock-ups.

That's just some silly tape someone brought in.

Now, all the agency stuff...

All the agency stuff goes in this tray here,

and you can see what stories are breaking on teletext.

You've been watching it, haven't you?

My own goal in the semi?

Well, yeah, we have, actually.

But we were just saying what an easy mistake that was to make, you know.

Catching the ball, landing like that,

and then losing your grip on the ball and accidentally flipping it...

Flipping it over your own shoulder into your own net. I mean,

that could happen to anybody.

You know, I've never been able to watch it.

I'll never forget the silence on the team coach coming back.

Or the silence when I walked into my local.

Landlord refused to serve me, said he didn't want any trouble.

It was days before any city fans spoke to me.

Then one of them broke the ice. Came up to me in the high street.

What did he say?

"Wait there while I fetch a rope."

Fair enough, Henry.

You're not prepared to give evidence on behalf of Sally.

There's nothing more to add. No.

Except to say that sir roysten bought the company who owns

the mortgage on that lovely cottage you're so fond of,

and I just wonder, how would he feel about your decision?

It wasn't just the death threats.

Every time my name was announced on the tannoy, the fans would start

booing and hurling rotten vegetables into the directors' box.

After one home game, the chairman came into the dressing room.

I can see him now, broccoli in his hair.

Put his arm around me. "Plonker," he said,

"we're gonna have to let you go."

Gave me a free transfer.

To stenhousemuir.

Played a few games, but confidence had gone.

Started drinking.

Wife left.

Took the kids.

All because of that goal.

Ah, well, there you go.

Well, listen, pat.

You've been through all that, you're going to be a big success here.

You'll see. So you can put the bad times behind you now.

Thanks.

You're pat pringle, Henry Davenport. Delighted to meet you.

Here's your tea, pat.

Good luck, everyone. This could go anywhere.

When I read that spiteful article saying all those dreadful lies

about my relationship with my colleagues, I...

Take your time, miss smedley.

Well, the bottom fell out of my world.

Pass the sick bag.

Yes, well, Henry, you're up next.

And just remember, one false move and the cottage is a car park.

Hang on, just let me get this perfectly clear.

British rail are going to tether people to wooden posts

a few feet from the edge of the platform

and then wait for a train to come past.

I mean, that's dangerous.

Certainly is. They could die of starvation.

More on the queen sues the sun story.

The sun won't take this lying down, you know.

I can just see tomorrow morning's headlines:

"Queen and Fergie in three-in-a-throne corgi sex romp."

Incidentally, Damien,

the technicians weren't amused by the white feathers.

They retaliated with this list of injuries

incurred on your reports in the last year.

Two broken legs, five fractured ribs, three skull fractures

and one broken collarbone.

And that's just Gerry.

They want you to sign this undertaking

that you will show more care.

I refer you back to Henry's answer about the diseased warthog.

Well, without any technicians, you won't be able to film any reports.

Want a bet?

Helen, can I check this through with you? I'm a bit nervous.

You'll be fine. Right, ok.

It reads, "England captain Graham gooch says he's backing the players

"who failed in the first test, even though there's not one of them

"who's worth a snot on David gower's hanky."

Sorry, I think Henry must have got my copy.

Well, basically, I'd say that, um...

As a professional and a colleague,

there is no-one to compare with her. She is truly...

Unique.

Thank you, mr Davenport.

Mr Davenport.

I'm sure we all enjoyed your tribute to miss smedley.

So you must have been appalled when you saw this article.

Especially the bit which read, "around the office,

"she is known as piles, because she's a pain in the arse."

Yes, I was shocked.

Really?

And yet the source of that information...

..Was you.

You spoke those very words to my client at a charity karaoke evening.

Indeed, you also ventured the opinion that miss smedley had

"so many character defects" that you felt sure that she must be

"the progeny of one of dr Mengele's biological experiments."

Or do you deny this?

I never said any such thing.

I wouldn't dream of defaming miss smedley like that.

She's a...

..Remarkable woman.

She is hard-working, conscientious, professional and caring.

In many ways, she is the Gary lineker of broadcasting.

She's, um, a valued and trusted colleague.

The place wouldn't be the same without her.

So she's very popular, then. Unbelievably so.

And yet, didn't the staff at globelink once distribute

cassette recordings of miss smedley

in sexual congress with a sound engineer?

I, um...

I don't recall any such incident.

Well, what about the time she fell asleep in the office?

And someone chalked the words "I am stupid" on her back.

Which she didn't notice until it was drawn to her attention

at a royal film premiere.

I don't remember that incident either.

More on heseltine. Yes, he is, isn't he?

Seems he's offered to sell our coalmines to Saudi Arabia.

I think perhaps now is the time

to get a retrospective of his career ready.

Oh, where's that coal job losses breakdown I wanted?

That hasn't happened yet. Why hasn't that happened yet?

Because with all these exciting new responsibilities you've given me,

I am now busier than a one-armed juggler with crabs.

Well played, team.

Now, let's just have a quick debrief, shall we?

So, Elizabeth, how do you feel the game went today?

Well, not bad at all. I thought we played a good straight back

to all the rottweiler's questions. Rottweiler?

That's the nickname of their side's counsel.

I have seen him destroy people's lives in minutes.

But you can fend him off.

He only gets really aggressive if he smells fear.

Fine. And who's giving evidence tomorrow?

Don't worry, mr dent. You just keep your nerve,

and I reckon we've got this case as good as won.

Oh, one thing, though.

If you could wear your best suit tomorrow. Thanks.

This is my best suit.

So, still seem to be on course for victory.

Thank you for your glowing tribute, Henry.

All those kind compliments you paid me.

I'm going for a shower. I feel dirty.

Well, George, perhaps you'd better go home and rest up.

Big day tomorrow. We don't want any own goals. Oh, sorry, pat.

Gus, I'm scared.

If in doubt, just watch me.

If you should answer yes, I'll rub my eye. Ok?

If you should say no, I'll rub my nose.

Eyes equal aye, nose is no. What could be easier?

So, mr dent,

in summary, you're saying miss smedley

has never caused you any problems?

Um...

No. No problems.

Well, not of any note, anyway.

Not... of... any... note?

Perhaps you'd care to elaborate on that?

Right, item 14. We'll need some standard soccer footage

for pat's piece on football sponsorship,

and I want more background on that story about hospitals

running out of cash at the end of the financial year.

Oh, and this has just come in. The forth bridge

will not be painted this year because of cutbacks.

Don't tell me - you want me to go and do it.

Watch out! Damien's about!

It's called multi-skilling.

Gus has approved it, so I'm off to westminster to interview

Leon brittan on the trade war.

You won't even get him in focus.

Well, who'll notice?

Damien, you can't operate a camera, it's specialised!

It takes months of training to learn how to use a camera, and...

Damien yells

..go downstairs.

So... you are now saying that miss smedley is not the perfect employee?

Well, um...

Nobody's perfect, are they?

So she is less than perfect, then?

And yet other witnesses would have us believe that she is

a paragon of virtue. Are you now saying she isn't?

No.

No, she isn't?

Or no, you are not saying she isn't?

We are waiting, mr dent.

Mr dent? Are you unwell?

So, leyland is the lead item, and the pound is now item number four.

How are things at the court?

When I left George, he was falling apart

faster than Michael Jackson's face.

Anything in from Damien?

Yes, but I think he must be concussed from that fall.

He was supposed to be doing a piece from parliament, but he just

sent in a three-minute interview with a statue of Winston Churchill.

Now, apparently, he's wandered off in the direction of the court.

Ok, let's practise some of the cues for the inserts.

Feeling ok, pat? Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

I mean, everybody has been so nice to me here.

It's just been great for my confidence.

Is my hair all right? What do you mean, your hair?

It's fine, Henry.

Ok, pat. Let's just practise cueing in some of the footage

for your soccer item. We'll run it through

so you can time your words against it.

Ok.

Cut! Cut the footage! Cut!

Oh, my god, pat. I am so sorry.

Joy, how the hell did we end up using this footage?

Well, look, I have been rushed off my feet this week,

and this hadn't been returned yet,

so I thought, "why waste time ordering another one?"

"Any bit of soccer footage," you said.

He chuckles that's it, pat. Have a good laugh.

You can see the funny side. That's terrific.

He continues to laugh

I'm laughing.

I can't stop laughing.

I'll take him down to sickbay.

I mean, how could I do that?

20 seconds from wembley.

Oh, the poor man.

Well, congratulations, Helen. Your efficiency drive

has very efficiently driven poor plonker bonkers.

Well, I don't think that's...

I don't think that's fair at all, Henry!

I mean, it was just bad luck.

And certainly nothing to do with me being overly obsessive!

I'm not calling you overly obsessive,

it's just that you keep worrying your pretty little head

about improving things, and you see, you can't teach old dogs new tricks.

No, Henry. But you can have them put down.

Result's in from the court case. They found in favour of Sally.

Excuse me, miss smedley.

And obviously I'm delighted with the verdict, because it's a triumph

both for the company and for myself personally.

Sally, could I...?

How do you feel about the fact you were only awarded 15p in damages?

Well, this trial was never about money, it was about principle.

So you don't see it as a criticism for bringing the case

in the first place? No, certainly not.

All sorted.

Well, congratulations, George.

Congratulations on a quite extraordinary report.

I'll just get the car pulled up, Sally.

I just want to say, Sally, that I admire your attitude.

At the end of the day, principle is always more important than money.

I've always said that.

Actually, Sally, you're standing on my foot.

I know. Aren't stiletto heels sharp?

And I'm increasing the pressure.

And, George, can you feel that?

And I'm increasing it even more.

And hopefully, I might drive a hole through your foot.

Because in my opinion, your abject display cost me a small fortune.

Bah!

He whimpers

Helen: Lead story, major's speech.

Says the high crime rate is caused by socialism.

Dave: Oh, so the 1993 crime figures

are the fault of the 1978 government?

There's a bit about unemployment.

I blame the vikings. Dave.

And neanderthal man has got a lot to answer for.

I reckon the problems on the m25 are down to him...

Dave, you've got to put some John Major footage together.

All right. I'll Nick a bit of thunderbirds,

no-one will be able to tell the difference.

Ok, I'll slap him together with some rioting

and a rent-a-mouth backbencher, how about that?

Helen? Oh, sorry.

Thinking about Henry and that warthog.

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