Original subtitles

Voice-over: And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first shown in January '93,

when attempts were being made to partition war-torn Bosnia,

when the shetlands were struck by a massive oil spill,

and a mentally ill man jumped into the lion cage at London zoo.

Right, ok. So, anything else?

Yes, why are you chairing the editorial meeting?

Because George asked me to, actually.

He's in with Gus interviewing replacements for Alex,

so I am acting assistant editor.

Anyone got a problem with that?

Then can we get on, please? Thank you. What else is breaking?

Well, there is one piece of very exciting news.

What's that? Shakespeare started work

in personnel this morning. Shakespeare?

The finest forger of expenses in the history of journalism.

He was a legend at the mirror.

Hey, we're due to hand in our ex's tomorrow.

Hang on there, Henry.

Did I hear our acting assistant editor imply that we should

get involved in some shabby expenses scam?

Yes, yes, yes, all right. We do have a lot to get through.

Joy, you're late.

So? Person under a train at Leicester square.

Selfish git, why couldn't he just stick his head in the oven

like any normal person?

Talking of inadequates, what are you doing in George's chair?

Steady on. You are talking to our acting assistant editor.

Well, until George and Gus find someone competent.

Well, we all know what type Gus will go for.

My personal agenda for this vacant, hands-on support role

is to follow proactive management strategy that effectively maximises

human resources and delivers total team turbo thrust.

Well, you've put it in a nutshell, peregrine. Hasn't he, George?

Well, er...

Well, I think we've heard all we need to, don't you, George?

Actually, Gus...

Thanks for coming in, peregrine, and well done.

Ciao. Ciao.

Well, I doubt we'll see another one like him.

No, I don't suppose we will. Actually, Gus...

Incidentally, George, I've been meaning to say how brilliantly

you've shouldered the extra workload these last few months.

Yes, well, it has been a bit grim. I think it's all this extra pressure

that's brought on my mystery sinus trouble.

Oh, dear, what a shame.

I've had hundreds of tests.

The latest theory is that I might be allergic to my own mucus.

Right, well, sorry if life's been stress-heavy since Alex

crept off to the enemy trenches.

Gus, all Alex did was accept a better job elsewhere, ok?

There's no need to be so bitter about her.

I'm not bitter.

Then why have you tippexed her out of the staff photo?

Well, I... knock at door

come in. Yes, Dave.

What is this? It's my cv.

I thought I'd apply for Alex's job.

David, do you seriously think we'd ever contemplate appointing you

assistant editor?

No. It was worth a shot.

Dave... Dave, Dave, Dave.

I hope nothing Gus said in there has upset you.

You are valued here.

Right. David! Very important job for you.

See?

I want those essex girl jokes washed off the toilet walls,

especially the one about the blind orangutan.

It made me feel physically ill.

George, what exactly is happening

with that great ram-raider footage I shot?

Yes, well, there are a few questions

still need answering on that one, Damien.

Like how come you happen to have a camera crew

outside a jewellers at 2:15 in the morning?

We've been through this.

Oh, yes, you were filming an item on the urban fox.

And along came the ram-raiders, we got lucky.

I think it's fantastic.

Yes, I particularly like the bit where the robbers jump back

in their getaway car and roar off at top speed.

Thanks. Giving a thumbs-up to the camera.

Well, no, I mean, that was just a, sort of, general triumphant gesture.

Where the thumb happened to be in a sort of upward facing position.

No, I don't think they were aware of our camera in any way.

Yes, I mean, that's how I saw it.

Well, I have serious doubts on this one.

Oh, for god's sake.

I'm sorry, I want time to check it out.

I'm certainly not putting it into tonight's bulletin.

Fair enough, chief, you're in charge.

That's right.

We'll put it in Damien's crime special on Friday.

Incidentally, I love that opening sequence.

I just wonder whether maybe the man in the balaclava

should have a bigger pickaxe handle.

Still, it's scary stuff almost as frightening as crimewatch.

Morning, Sally.

Morning! Sorry I'm late, everyone. Well-wishers again.

They just add hours to my journey, I'm afraid.

Yes, I can imagine.

Do you know, is a funny thing, but these people who stop me

in the street all seem very clean and intelligent looking.

I think I appeal to clean, bright people.

That bloke who writes to you from hms fearless

doesn't sound very clean.

And he's not that bright either, he can't spell "blow job".

Oh, please!

I will not tolerate these intrusions into my privacy!

Absolutely. You two should not read Sally's fan mail.

No, and you shouldn't pin it on the notice board either.

Incidentally, what is this photograph

of Peter lilley doing up here?

He's the winner of our slimy git of the week competition.

But he's been here 15 weeks.

Yeah?

Come on, George. The next interviewee is due.

George, your wife rang. Something about

your daughter's probation officer having a nervous breakdown.

Oh, no, not another one.

Hey, George has left his list of applicants.

Oh, my god, that slimebag wilkinson from bskyb.

He's what you get if Nigel dempster mated with Kenneth Baker.

I mean, look at this lot.

A crawler, a tosspot, a sleazeball and a sleazy, crawling tosspot.

Well, there's only one there who'd get my vote.

And mine. Dave? This has just come in.

Seems that in light of that lion business,

the government are reforming their policy on community care.

What a rational way to formulate policy that is.

"We're worried about the mentally ill, but won't actually do anything

"until one of them gets eaten by a lion."

Virginia bottomley says,

"a lot of mentally ill people don't act sensibly."

Honestly, that woman is so stupid. You know, I could almost fancy her.

Police say there's been an increase in accidents

due to dangerous driving.

Well, they're right. Some people are so inconsiderate.

You know, I was driving my Porsche down the fast lane of the m4

and no matter how any times I flashed the people in front,

they wouldn't move over. I had to bump one of them.

Oh, my god, don't look now. It's wilkinson, the human turd.

Hello, wilko! Hello, Henry.

Escaped from stalag Murdoch, hey?

Up for our assistant editor's job, I hear.

Yes, I'd love to get it. You lot are the best, period.

I think I'd work rather well with Gus.

Yes, you would. Actually, I think you're in with a great chance

because Gus was saying only this morning how the other applicants

have been all too weak and weedy.

Really? Yes. He says he's longing for

a candidate who shows a bit of spark, some bottle.

Someone who's prepared to argue with him.

I see. Well, thanks for that, Henry.

My pleasure, good luck. All the best.

Tenner says he doesn't last more than a minute.

Welcome! Welcome. Good to see you.

Please, take a seat.

Now, as you know, we run a successful news-gathering team here,

and as such... well, with respect, Gus,

I'm not sure that's the case, actually.

Sorry? I think you're underperforming.

In fact, to be Frank,

I think your whole operation is riddled with inadequacies.

Sally! Reporter from the mail wants to do a phone interview.

Right. Not taking any chances this time.

That woman who interviewed me for the standard last week

totally misrepresented me.

Made me sound like some compulsive paranoid.

Phone rings hello? Sally smedley speaking.

59 seconds. Oh, you jammy git.

Every penny gratefully received. It's sleazeball Smith from the beeb.

My go, my go. Smudger! Smudger, how are you?

David, fine, fine. Good to see you.

So, you're up for this job, then? Hopefully.

Well, no-one has impressed Gus so far apparently.

They have all been very stuffy.

I think he's looking for someone who's a bit more, um, you know,

one of the lads.

Ah, likes a bit of a laugh, then, does he?

Yeah. Yeah. In fact, between you and me,

what Gus really likes is essex girl jokes.

How's this one doing? Three minutes 15 seconds.

It's not bad considering I told her Gus likes women who swear a lot.

This came in, new government policy on education.

Of course there is, it's a Tuesday.

Thanks for coming in, Lindsay, and we'll be in touch.

Thank you.

Strange woman. Like Madonna on speed.

Almost as bad as that bloke who came in yesterday

and kicked off with the essex girl joke.

George, graphics department rang about the map

they are doing of all the new provinces in the Bosnian peace plan.

What's the problem? They've run out of colours.

Oh, and your wife rang.

Plumber says he wants his money or he's putting the dead hamster

back down your waste pipe. Right.

So, er, how's it going with Margaret?

Not bad.

The separation's very civilised.

She's got the run of the house and I'm living in the attic.

I think she's ok. I hear her laughing a lot.

And she's always out at the theatre, or a nightclub.

And she keeps throwing all-night parties.

But I think it's just her way of hiding the pain.

Yeah, of course.

Why does an essex girl have 'c' and 'a' on her knickers?

So she doesn't put them on back to front.

No, I still don't get that one.

It's a pleasure. I always enjoy talking to the express.

Nosy parasite. Talk about impertinence.

Tape: 'So, how's your love life, then, sall?'

they're always prying.

Look, we told you what to do.

Just fob them off with general details about your boyfriends.

You don't have to give their names or anything.

No, just the kind of lorries they drive.

Or what it says on their tattoos.

I refuse to be provoked by two creatures

whose place in the evolutionary chain is somewhere between

the amoeba and Paul gascoigne.

Hey, I tell you, that Shakespeare is brilliant.

Have a look at this rather sizeable petrol receipt

from my Kenyan election trip. You see?

Written in perfect Swahili, scented with Kenyan coffee beans.

And you see down there? An authentic squished tsetse fly.

Superb. Bloody brilliant.

You just don't see craftsmanship like that these days.

Have you seen this curry house receipt he did for me?

You see those stains?

Do you know, I think he's marinated this overnight in a pile of lager.

Sheer genius. Anyway, I've got to go and see Gus.

I want him to approve dubbing a track by motorhead

onto my ram-raider footage.

He's interviewing another one.

Hey? Damn and blast!

Helen Cooper slipped through.

I wanted to have a friendly little chat with her.

Now, Helen, our latest audience breakdown shows a slight downturn

in our female audience.

What sort of items would you include to win back the little ladies?

Well, obviously more items on fashion.

Good.

Knitting. Hoovering.

And end every bulletin with a recipe?

I'm not so sure about the recipe.

I think Helen is joking, Gus. Oh, right. Humour.

We're big fans of humour in this office.

Have you seen this?

The Chinese nickname for Chris patten in Hong Kong

is fatty pang. I didn't know pang was Chinese for wanker.

Yugoslavia, the Americans are getting tougher.

They said if the British troops are attacked by the serbs,

they may launch air strikes.

My god, British troops will really be in trouble then.

How's she doing?

Difficult to say, Gus is wearing his air hostess smile.

So, Helen, I see from your cv that you have a daughter,

which is lovely.

But I ought to just check the position if you and your husband

decided to have another baby, would that be a problem?

It certainly would, he's been dead for three years.

Oh, I am sorry. It must have been a dreadful loss.

Not really, we were separated.

Oh, right.

Painful business, isn't it?

My wife and I were just separated.

A month ago.

Well, the rows had been getting worse.

I think it was that business with the bread knife

that was the clincher.

Actually, George, I'm not sure we've got time

for your transfusion anecdote right now.

Well, thanks for coming in, Helen. We'll be in touch.

Oh, by the way, give our love to your little daughter.

Well, what do you think?

Well, she seemed bright and independent.

Yes.

No, no, I still think peregrine is our man.

You look unhappy, George.

No, no, no, no, Gus, you just decide, hey? You always do.

Quite honestly, I don't think my sinuses can take any more.

Looks a bit glum, obviously didn't do very well.

Doesn't surprise me. I gave her a ring last night

and told her to come over all strong and independent.

Nice one.

She'd be a bloody disaster as deputy editor.

I knew her at the beeb.

When it comes to any kind of confrontation,

she rolls over quicker than a liberian oil tanker.

I tell you, Gus would wrap her round his little finger.

Anyway, the person we want is old peregrine.

Such an actor, cunning as a fox.

I bet when he sat down for that interview...

Cassette: '..He told Gus all the things he wanted to hear.

'Oh, yes, peregrine would have Gus for breakfast he's so bright.'

'if you ask me, he'll be in Gus's job within a year.

'What was his motto at itn?'

'always smile at the person you're shafting.'

there's a lot more.

Thank you, Sally. I think I've heard enough.

We can't trust anyone here, Gus.

If I was you, I'd seriously consider bugging the toilets.

Thank you, Sally. I'll mull that one over.

Now, before we get going,

this item on Fiona Armstrong being told to smile more.

I was just wondering whether there was a lesson there, Sally.

I don't know what you mean, Gus.

I do three smiles during our bulletins. Well, there's my

"good evening, you're watching globelink news" smile,

my "we'll be back after the break" smile,

and my "we'll be back tomorrow" smile.

Yeah.

Perhaps if you put a bit more warmth into them.

Bit more feeling.

Feeling? I'm sorry, you've lost me.

Doesn't matter.

And what about the shetlands? Yeah, why can't I cover it?

You know perfectly well

we don't allow you to cover oil spills any more.

Not since that business with the grease gun and the guillemots.

Yes, well, I think our coverage has been a little lacklustre.

We only had oil that was leaking,

whereas the BBC had pouring and itn had spewing.

Well, they're very vulgar.

We need to go one better.

I think our oil should be vomiting.

And let's get some bigger dying sea life.

We had an oil-drenched whelk last night.

It just wasn't good enough. Perhaps David can find something.

Look, I happened to be ludicrously busy, actually.

I mean, are we any nearer getting a new deputy?

Well, actually, it's down to two. Helen Cooper or peregrine Ellis.

You should go for peregrine, Gus! You'd find him loyal, supportive.

He'd be a great choice. Oh, would he?

You seem very keen, Henry.

We just think he'd be right.

I see.

Quite a little consensus developing.

Well, you'll be pleased to know he's coming in

for a second interview in a moment.

George, let's regroup in my office.

Actually, Gus, I'm still very unhappy

about Damien's ram-raiders footage. I mean, how exactly did he get it?

Popular boy, peregrine, isn't he?

Yes, yes, I'm sure he is. Now, about this footage.

Knock at door come.

Thanks for coming back, peregrine.

Just a few points I wanted cleared up.

Please take a seat. Or perhaps you would prefer my chair.

No, here's fine.

Well, peregrine.

Well, well.

Tell me, how do you visualise you and I working together?

Well, with you dictating the command strategy

and me providing the back-up field play and supply line scenarios

in a pivotal but junior role.

Good answer.

Just what I wanted to hear.

Tell me, peregrine, does the phrase

"always smile at the person "you are shafting" ring any bells?

No, er, sh... should it?

You tell me.

Well, thanks for coming in, peregrine.

You know the way out.

It's amazing what you can learn from a second interview.

Well, he seemed exactly the same to me.

With respect, George, that is why you will never make a people picker.

No, no, all my instincts tell me it's got to be Helen.

I'm not so sure now. Word is she lacks backbone.

Never listen to tittle-tattle, George.

You're too big for that.

Ah, Damien. I want a word with you

about your "puppies abandoned after Christmas" piece.

Gut-wrenching television, wasn't it?

Damien, a little boy rang up

wanting to know what you've done with blackie.

Helen Cooper's with Gus, seems she's got the job.

Disappointed, Henry? I think Gus went for her

after I conveyed your views on peregrine to him.

You crafty cow.

I think the phrase is, "in your face, suckers."

Morning, news-busters!

I'd just like to introduce our new assistant editor, Helen Cooper.

I'm sure she'll be a marvellous strong safety

behind our blitzing line-backers, and we'll make a great team.

Don't you agree, Helen? Totally.

General, deploy your troops.

Right, well, the first thing I'd like to raise this morning, Gus,

is Damien's ram-raiders footage.

As you know, I've always entertained doubts...

Then stop entertaining them, George. Make them coffee and send them home.

Yes, well, that's a little difficult to do,

especially after the phone call that joy took for Damien last night.

Suggs rang. Said to tell Damien that,

"if he wants to see some more urban foxes tomorrow night,

"to turn up outside the chiswick branch of Samuels the jewellers."

Perfectly innocent message.

He's a fox lover.

Who knows their ways.

Oh, come on, this is clearly evidence of collusion.

With respect, George, it's flimsy, circumstantial evidence.

I tell you what, why doesn't our new deputy editor decide?

You see, Helen, this ram-raiding is, as you know,

a particularly worrying social problem

and Damien has got these astonishing pictures

of some of these hoodlums in action.

And I feel, as part of a wider debate, we should broadcast them.

I'm sure you'll agree. No.

There, so you see...

What? I don't agree.

The provenance of these pictures is, as I understand, extremely dubious.

A more important, it's not in itself intrinsically news.

To broadcast it would be wrong and indeed pointless.

So that's a decision, then, is it, Gus?

Well, I...

Yes.

Terrific.

Oh, yeah, terrific (!) End to a perfect week.

First of all, Kate adie gets the bloody obe, now this.

George! Debrief now!

Well, he did ask for my opinion.

Well done, Helen.

You've annoyed Damien and humiliated Gus.

In my book, that constitutes the perfect start.

To be honest, I'm still a bit stunned I got the job.

Oh, you owe it all to Sally. She made sure Gus got some

inside information we provided about peregrine, didn't you, sal?

In your face, sucker.

I suspect I may have benefited from some internal politics here.

Something very strange has happened here.

She's very impressive, isn't she? Clearly knows her own mind.

Yes, I think you've made a very good decision there, Gus.

Dammit, George!

If you hadn't talked me out of peregrine...

Well, I'm flattered by all the help you gave me.

But I hope you won't expect me to be anything other than independent.

Oh, good lord, no. Absolutely not.

So, where do you want to start?

Well, George asked me to process your expenses.

I had a quick glance and I see Shakespeare's on the staff here.

Who's Shakespeare? I used to work at the mirror.

I knew it was him as soon as I saw the tsetse fly.

Joy, will you please type this memo suspending Shakespeare for two weeks

and I'm binning these expenses that you all submitted yesterday,

and we'll just regard your attempts to defraud your employer

as a temporary lapse, shall we?

Best way forward. Yes, of course.

I think we're going to get on.

Helen: Big story breaking. Looks like bush might attack Iraq.

Damien: He'll definitely attack Iraq.

Then he'll probably attack yugoslavia, China and Canada.

Why? To bugger up things for Clinton.

Now, Helen, can I book a camera crew for April

to do a follow-up on the shetland oil spill?

Good idea.

Concentrating on the damaging effect on livestock.

You want to film some mutant lambs being born, don't you?

No! Though obviously, if any two-headed lambs are born, then...

You'd probably stick a third head on them.

Have you been reading my staff record?

No, why? No reason.

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