Original subtitles

And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first shown in December '91,

in a week in which there was mounting pressure

on Kenneth Baker to resign,

and the government prepared for the maastricht summit.

Bloody traffic! Worse than the trains!

When it finally cleared, I was standing in some traffic lights

and one of these silly sods started cleaning my windscreen,

and then asked for some money. Well, I just drove off.

Mind you, I had to go round three corners

before I could get the bugger off my bonnet.

And now, I've got a dirty windscreen where he threw up all over it!

Morning, joy, and how are you? Are you really interested?

Well, I just thought I'd... no, I thought not.

What I wanna know is, what bloody idiot christened her joy?

Lots of city news coming in.

I wonder if the maxwells will manage to stay afloat?

Rattles tin no.

That will be �1 in the bad Robert Maxwell joke box, thank you.

I didn't mean to make a joke. Come on.

Just remember, sweetheart,

if anybody asks why you're here, it's half-term.

Don't call me "sweetheart". Just remember.

Morning, everybody. This is my daughter, Deborah.

Hello, Deborah.

Well, we're just about to have a meeting, sweet...

So, er, why don't you sit in and watch?

So, Deborah, half-term, is it?

No, I've been suspended, pending a governors' meeting.

Thank you, Deborah. Right, let's get on with this meeting, shall we?

Bloody lift's broke. I had to walk all the way up here.

Hello.

Didn't I meet you when I was doing that school arson story?

Yes, yes, I'm trying to start the meeting.

Morning, news hounds. Don't mind me, I'm not here.

I just wanted to let you know

that to ignite the afterburners on our publicity drive,

I've agreed that tomorrow

a documentary team from the series hidden eye will film us.

Scaling the rock face of quality broadcasting.

Oh, god!

Don't worry, Henry, it's no big deal.

Just behave exactly as you would normally.

You mean, insult the director, throw up over the soundman

and try and rip the knickers off the researcher?

Humour, Alex. Excellent.

Gus, what exactly is this...?

Oh, please don't worry, George.

The contract I've negotiated with them

gives us the right to view the material before they broadcast it.

Right. Dave, what have we got?

There's a new report

on the high levels of ozone depletion in the atmosphere.

Six months ago,

they were talking about too much ozone at street level.

I mean, surely they could find a way

of just getting all the ozone down here up there to fill in the hole.

Yes, right, thank you, Sally. Moving on...

George, I'm gonna need three or four minutes on every bulletin tomorrow.

I'm going in with the police on a dawn raid.

Ah, yes, Damien, I've been meaning to speak to you.

You do seem to have a very close relationship with the police.

Yes, George. That's how we get stories first.

You mean, like the exclusive you got that time

on the Tariq Yusuf confession... exactly.

..Three hours before he'd been arrested?

Yeah, well, I mean...

Obviously, the west Midlands serious crime squad were an exception.

Yes, very well, Damien.

I'll give you two minutes, but I'm warning you,

I shall be looking at that footage very close...

Yes, well, if that's all.

Well, there you go, sweet... Deborah.

Now you've seen an editorial conference.

Is that it? Well...

You're always claiming it's difficult.

Well, it is difficult.

What? Letting everyone else walk all over you?

Yeah, I think, perhaps, you'd better just go and...

..Sit in my office. George.

I just wanted a quick head-to-head chinwag.

You, um, you do seem to have brought into the office with you...

Well, how shall I put this? ..Your daughter.

Well, I had no choice.

See, I didn't want to leave her in the house on her own.

Well, not with the hamster anyway.

Not after last time.

I see. Well, what about your wife?

Well, you see, she's kind of...

She's sort of...

She's left me.

I feel so depressed.

In fact, the past couple of nights, I've been sitting at home,

and I've just... Burst into tears.

I just keep plunging into despair.

Oh, listen, George, take my advice.

Yes?

It's best not to.

You're looking very smart. Am I, dear boy? Nothing special.

Not dressing up for the cameras? Oh, come on.

We hardened professionals don't worry about that.

Why are you wearing your Gulf war fancy dress?

It's comfortable.

Oh, my god, it's the teenage mutant ninja daughter.

Er, Dave?

Do you think you could show Deborah around the edit suite

whilst we have our meeting?

Right. You'll like that, won't you?

Oh, George, I am so sorry to hear about your troubles at home.

It's times like these that you need the support of your friends,

and I think I may be able to help. Thank you, Henry.

Yes, I know a bit of Portuguese totty I can fix you up with.

Well, actually...

No, no, no, don't worry, George. She's not too choosy.

Henry! What?

What? For god's sake, show a bit of sensitivity.

Mr dent? Oh, hello. Erm, everything all right?

Well, it would've been

if somebody hadn't ripped half the wiring out of the lift.

We had to carry our gear all the way up the stairs.

Oh, I am sorry.

Well, any time you want to start shooting...

Ok, turn over.

Right, well, er, we're just about to hold our morning meeting, so...

Meeting, everybody. We're already here, George.

Good. Excellent.

Right, let's get on with this meeting, then, shall we?

Well, I suppose the first story of the day has got to be...

The economic implications of maastricht.

Yes, well, clearly, any move towards a eurocentrist agreement

could have severe implications for any fiscal mechanisms.

Both within the protectionist regulatory systems, such as the ec,

or, even more significantly, global monetary forces like g7.

Which are so dependent upon the military industrial complexes

of the top five macro economies.

Right, er... anybody got anything to add to that?

So, erm, would you like to know how the editing machine works?

No.

Right, erm... you could just watch some television, if you like.

Would you like that? No.

Uh-huh.

Erm, what about the music?

I've got some tapes here. Would you like to listen to those?

No. No. Stupid question, really.

Well, frankly, I think it's an ethical problem.

And while clearly it is an important story, before we decide to run it,

we must consider the moral implications.

Well, we'll just leave it in Damien's safe hands, then,

shall we, George?

Actually, we are getting a little bit behind.

We certainly are, so can we get on? Phone rings

yes?

Oh, hi, mum. Look, I'm a bit...

No, well, we don't know what major is going to negotiate at maastricht,

but I'm quite sure that political union won't mean

that we all have to use squat toilets.

Um, look, I can't talk now. I'll call you later, all right?

Yep, I'll call you tonight. Bye.

Sorry about that. Everything all right, team?

Well, actually, Gus... fantastic.

I just thought you'd like to know, our ratings are up again this week.

So, keep nuking the opposition.

Good work, gaffer.

Looks like dad's screwing it up, like usual.

You're not getting on too well at the moment, are you?

He calls me "sweetheart".

Bastard (!)

He's embarrassing. And the way he caves in all the time...

Like, I'll ask for something stupid, and he just gives in.

He's scared of me. Can you imagine that?

A grown man, scared of a 13-year-old girl.

It's ridiculous.

Right, er, meeting over, everybody.

Damien, I'm just gonna have a look at your police raid footage.

Ah, yes, actually, Alex, that really didn't work out, ethically.

No, I felt it would've been morally wrong to film it.

Jerry said you had a lot of footage.

Let's just have a look, shall we?

Ah, look, er, sorry.

Fire regulations means that not more than five people are allowed inside.

Terribly sorry.

Cor, no respect for privacy, some people.

All right, sweetie pie?

Yes, thanks, creep features.

It's 4am,

and I'm waiting with a special team of armed officers,

poised to launch a dawn raid on the flat of a suspected drugs dealer.

The man is regarded as dangerous, he's also believed to be armed.

And we're going in.

Shouting

in you go! Right, freeze, don't move.

Freeze! Keep still!

Is it about my poll tax?

I mean, I sent off the cheque.

Harrison, she's a little old lady. Put it down.

He sighs

yeah, but at hendon, guv, they say, "never trust appearances."

Oh, Harrison, shut it.

Damien, do we have to have this...? Yeah, yeah, sure, Bob.

Perhaps it got lost in the post.

Yeah. Yeah, most probably, yeah.

You know, guv, I reckon, maybe, we've got the wrong address.

Oh, really (?)

Well, it says here 63 prince's mansions.

Yeah, but, I mean, it could be 68, couldn't it?

I mean, sort of splodgy photocopy, ain't it?

Actually, it could be 60 bloody anything, looking at that. Yeah.

Here, Damien, turn it off. Jerry!

Yeah, well, as you can see, it didn't really work out, and...

And, technically, it's of a very poor standard.

There's more, isn't there? No. No, no, no.

Let's just see, shall we?

It's 4.30am,

and I'm waiting with a special team of armed officers...

I definitely sent the cheque off. You see, here's the stub.

How nice. Madam, could you withdraw to your flat, please?

And close the door. I haven't got a door.

We'll talk about that later, all right?

Sorry about that, Damien. Ok.

Damien clears throat

it's 4.30am, and I'm waiting with a special team of armed officers,

poised to launch a raid on an armed and dangerous drug dealer.

Banging we're going in.

Shouting freeze! Don't move!

John Arthur Peters. N-no.

Sorry? I'm not John Peters.

He's the bloke we bought the flat off about 15 months ago.

He ripped us off a treat, actually.

Didn't mention the dry rot or the dodgy wiring.

Wrong place, Bob? Well... yeah.

All right, you'd better cut, Jerry.

Gunshots

go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Quietly: Harrison...

You've shot a rabbit.

Yeah, well, I heard, erm,

this rustling noise behind me, guv, and, er...

At hendon, they tell you to act instantly in order to, erm...

Save, you know, your own life.

Harrison... yes?

Argh! Harrison shouts

ow! Argh! Argh!

Why is flopsy's home full of holes?

Hey, I, er...

'I think we'd better cut there, Jerry.'

so, you're saying the police would be upset if we show this?

Oh, no, George.

No, after all, it only shows them as a bunch of incompetent, illiterate,

granny-scaring bunny killers (!)

Look, if that ever goes out, psycho will give me hell!

"Psycho"?

Bob. Erm, chief inspector Smith.

Oh, no, no, no!

That tape stays in my desk.

I think your relationship with the police

is getting a little too close.

But listen, that's how we get such great footage.

Like at the poll tax riot.

We were certainly the only network

to have a reporter riding two-up on a police horse.

Ah, team. Now, as you know... I'm not here.

Yes.

Well, it's just that your failure to interact with the documentary team

does rather make it look as if we've got something to hide.

We have, Gus.

I want to see you all out there, radiating positive feedback.

Oh, of course. It was him. What?

The bullshitter who had a nervous breakdown.

It was not a nervous breakdown!

It was a rest cure.

That's not what dad said.

George...

..I'm 100% behind you.

Globelink news, gv's newsroom. Take one.

Yes, yes.

So, if the, erm, Ukraine breaks away,

it could trigger a disintegration of the Soviet economic infrastructure,

and, thus, precipitate further internecine strife.

As I thought.

Very well informed, your manicurist.

But listen, headmaster, couldn't you take her back earlier than that?

I know she's not an easy child, but...

Well, I think "psychotic" is rather an emotive term.

Well, perhaps if I wrote her along for a... hello?

Hello? He tuts

George, I'm doing a report on police malpractice,

and I'd like to use some of Damien's police raid footage.

Oh, well, George, you see,

I have spent years building up these contacts.

I'm sorry, is that relevant? Yes, it is.

Ah, excuse me, but would you like to film

inside our new computerised control room?

We're getting some good stuff. It's one of the most modern in Europe.

Look, we did agree... Lots of fascinating features.

George shouts she's done what?!

Deborah, what the hell do you think you're doing, destroying that lift?

Get in here. Yeah, yeah.

In here.

And, of course, our new editing facility is terribly interesting.

Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry.

I appear to have knocked that little switch.

Gv's newsrooms, take ten.

Keep turning over. And when you're ready.

Right, should we give, what,

three minutes to Maxwell's missing millions?

We don't wanna go overboard.

Tin rattles

phone rings yeah?

Damien? Psycho's on the phone.

Hi, Bob.

Yes, yes, I'm well aware of the force's concern

over the material that you mention.

Yes, yeah, I appreciate that.

He chuckles no, no.

No, obviously, I'd rather keep possession

of both of the articles that you're referring to.

Ok. Yeah, I'll get back to you. Bye.

George, I think we're hot.

The whole team's on turbo thrust,

and everything is completely under control, as always.

Thank god that bloody documentary crew's gone.

I've just about had it up to here with that daughter of mine.

I suppose she must've been attention-seeking.

Yes, well, setting fire to my desk

is certainly a good way of getting my attention.

Oh, god!

Honestly, sometimes, I could just hit that child.

Look at this stuff, it's ruined.

And so is Damien's police raid tape.

He shouts Deborah!

You said something about hitting her?

Thank you, Alex. I'll deal with this.

It's just, if you wanted anybody to hold her down or anything,

I could... thank you.

Why did you do it?

I suppose I seem like I don't understand

anything you're going through. Yep.

Yes, well, you'd be surprised.

When I was 16, I was always arguing with my parents.

I was a bit wild, I suppose.

I used to hang around with this motorcycle gang.

You had a motorbike?

Well, no, I didn't actually have a bike.

But I used to go down the same church youth club as the gang.

We were considered real tearaways.

Yeah, hell's doormats.

Why do you keep calling me a doormat?

Cos it's true!

You always give in, you always get pushed around.

You're just so wet and weak and weedy.

Ok, ok.

So who do you want for a father, hm?

Charles Bronson (?)

General schwarzkopf (?) Pol pot (?)

I mean, honestly, what have I done wrong?

I've worked and slaved to provide a stable home for you and your mother,

and what happens?

She walks out on me, and you incinerate my desk.

I mean, what is it?

Do you hate me?

Of course I don't hate you, dad.

Oh, right. Good.

I just sort of pity you.

I knew it, they've stitched us up.

Never trust TV people. They're all shits. What?

We've been viewing that bloody documentary. It's a disgrace.

The only plus is it makes Sally look a complete prat.

Yes, absolutely, it's disgraceful.

I mean, there's one bit makes me look like a complete fool.

One bit?

So, Gus, what's the procedure for taking stuff out, then?

Oh, yes, well, I've just been re-examining the contract,

and the right to view clearly gives us the, erm...

The right to view.

And...?

And that's about it, really.

So, you mean we can't change anything? Oh, for goodness sake!

George, something you should see here.

With respect, George, I think the real issue here is

who brought in a relative whose effect upon the office

was not dissimilar to that of Attila the hun on Western civilisation?

I think it's most unfair comparing my daughter to Attila the hun.

Yes, vlad the impaler would be much more appropriate (!)

George, this is a scene from that documentary we all star in.

What do you see? Erm... I'm looking worried.

No, no, no. Look, in the background.

Damien's talking to Deborah. Mm-hm.

He seems to be giving her some money. A lot of money.

And behold...

Damien's pointing at my desk.

Yes. Yeah, I remember that.

Yeah, I was, I was giving her some money to get me a sandwich.

Well, several sandwiches, in fact.

And really quite expensive sandwiches.

And, er, you know, I said that, er,

"if I'm not here when you get back,

"then just leave them on George's desk."

Right. I'll deal with you later!

Anyone want to see copies of these new tests for seven-year-olds?

Sally? Oh, no, that'll take hours, won't it?

Yeah, all right. He paid me 50 quid to do it.

He said, "start the fire in the drawer with the tape in it."

So...

..You deliberately destroyed my property for �50?

Yeah.

Do you want to earn another 50 quid? Hey?

Damien's Porsche is in the staff car park.

Nice one, dad.

Damien: How's the middle east conference going?

Dave: Well, there haven't been any rows today... good.

..Cos the Israelis didn't turn up.

They're saying they'll turn up on Monday. So they'll talk then?

No, cos the arabs are saying they won't turn up then.

Ah, they're bluffing. The arabs'll definitely turn up.

You reckon? Well, yeah, cos if they don't turn up,

they can't walk out, can they? Good point.

You know, I think it's obvious what the solution to all this is.

You just get Assad and shamir, and you lock 'em in a room.

And wait for them to start talking? No, you just lock 'em in a room.

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