Original subtitles

This episode of drop the dead donkey

was first shown in November '91,

in a week when tesco's and safeway's decided to open on Sundays,

mrs Thatcher called for a referendum on Europe,

and her daughter was slow paying her poll tax.

Chatter

right, any other thoughts?

Yes, Alex. I was very disappointed to see

that last Friday was the anniversary of mrs Thatcher's resignation,

and we did nothing to mark it.

Yes, we did. We had a piss-up.

Four hours in the turk's head.

No, I mean, we didn't do a tribute to her.

What are you talking about?

Henry put on that Thatcher mask

and sang I will survive on the karaoke machine. Brilliant.

Two hours late!

Not leaves on the line, not the wrong kind of snow,

not a swan flying into power lines, but mice gnawing through the cables.

What next? Earwigs in the points, goblins in the signal boxes,

or even more extraordinary, delays due to trains on the lines!

From now on, I'm bringing the car.

Have a coffee, Henry.

Alex, Damien, Dave, coffee? No, thanks.

Sally, someone waiting for you at reception.

Thank you very much, joy.

How come her christianity consists mostly of giving people coffee?

Have you seen the size of the cross round her neck this morning?

If it gets any bigger, she'll be carrying it over her shoulder.

What are those?

Tarot cards. They are really fascinating.

Oh, come on. They're mumbo jumbo.

Now, look, I'm a rational person, right?

Both: Wrong.

Yeah, well, anyway, last week, we were filming,

and this old woman dealt out the cards

and predicted that Jerry the cameraman would have an accident...

And he did.

He had an accident because you conned him

into wearing a fur coat at an animal libbers' rally.

Anyway, I think they're interesting.

Do you wanna see how it works? Yeah, ok.

Erm, George, cut those, will you?

That's it.

Now, of course, I'm only using the major arcana.

Mm. And the four most interesting cards here

are the sun, death, chariot, and the juggler.

I see. George will die of sunstroke while out juggling in his chariot.

George... Margaret on the phone.

Actually, you know, it is really interesting.

It does appear that there's a major disaster

waiting round the corner for George.

Well, of course there is, he's George.

Dave, Gus just rang from the health farm.

He said to remind everyone

that sir royston has strong trade links with Iran,

and that salman rushdie is a very small story.

All right, Alex?

I think that Margaret has finally left George.

It's awful in there. He is really upset.

She must have got the video recorder, then.

Henry, believe it or not,

some people get upset when their marriage ends. Oh.

So let's just try and be sensitive, ok?

All right, George?

Yes.

Oh, George. Here, erm, have a cup of coffee.

Oh, thanks.

I hear you've ditched the old woman at last.

Best thing you could've done.

Find yourself a nice young bit of totty, eh?

Yes.

Well done, Perez de cuellar.

Big surprise for you.

Oh, you're pregnant by the archangel Gabriel (?)

I'd like you all to meet a man who's helped to change my life

in the short time I've known him.

One of America's leading evangelists, Earl Johnson.

I'm very pleased to meet y'all.

You must be George dent.

Sally's said some awfully complimentary things about you.

Has she?

Earl's over here as part of his festive of faith.

Yes, when one or two are gathered together in his name,

the lord is there.

When one or two thousand are gathered together in his name,

then Earl Johnson's there as well.

You used to work in advertising, then, Earl?

Yes, so, you know my career, then, Henry?

No, but I know advertising bullshit when I hear it.

Earl chuckles

yes, I was an advertising executive, until I was visited

by the mighty and matchless word of the baby Jesus.

Whoo! God be praised.

Yes, erm, delightful though this is, Earl,

we were actually rather busy trying to compile a news broadcast.

And that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about, George.

Now, I'm holding a week of rallies out at your qpr soccer stadium,

and, frankly, George, I have to say that this is a big news event,

and we are offering you the exclusive.

Er, well, actually, I'm not sure we'd strictly consider this news.

George, Jesus dying for our sins

is the biggest news there's ever been, now, isn't it?

Well, erm, but, I mean, it did happen over 2,000 years ago.

Have you tried the daily express?

Besides, we do have very strict rules on religious broadcasting.

Oh, yes, I've seen your so-called religious broadcasting -

a plump welshman singing loudly in front of castles.

Now, my route is, George,

reflect the glory of the almighty.

And they have an extremely televisual laser show.

I think we're going to have to say... no.

Perhaps the two of us can discuss it over lunch sometime?

Well... no.

George, I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate

you sharing your incredibly valuable time with me.

Sally?

Brought you a present.

One of our glad not to be gay sweatshirts,

and a matching straight is great baseball cap.

Thank you, Earl.

Isn't he inspirational?

He's more full of bollocks than Tom Jones's y-fronts.

He was the last thing George needed.

He's really going through it.

As the tarot predicted.

Damien... shut up.

But it did!

You, er, wanna do my fortune, then, madame arcati?

Not that I believe in it or anything.

Ok. Cut those. Right.

There you go. Ok.

Your future laid out in these cards.

So, erm... what's that one, exactly?

The, er, the skeleton with the sickle?

That's death. Uh-huh.

And, er, the corpse hanging from the gallows?

The, er, hanged man. Right.

Damien, some bloke from the path lab at guy's re your smoking story.

Says the best he can do you is two diseased lungs

and a jarful of suppurating larynxes.

Oh, lovely!

Dave, have you seen this stuff? What's up?

Oh, for god's sake! Don't!

That's the hand Damien dealt me. It looked awful.

I had death, the hanged man,

and another card he didn't explain to me,

but the bloke was carrying a very long knife.

Probably the vasectomist (!)

Come on, you don't really believe all this junk, do you?

No, of course not. I'm just interested, that's all.

Well, if I could possibly drag you back to the mundane world,

can we get on?

Now, the government is issuing this leaflet today about AIDS,

warning against promiscuous sexual behaviour.

So, Dave... want me to handle it?

Er, no, I want you to read it.

I am responsible, ok? I do not go in for casual sex.

Oh, I see.

And I suppose that the temp in the stationery cupboard

at the office party was a meaningful relationship (?)

Could we stop talking about sex in the stationery cupboard?

More fuss about Thatcher and the referendum.

Ironic, isn't it? She talks complete bollocks for 11 years,

and we're all obliged to listen.

And the moment she starts to talk sense,

everyone tells her to shut up.

Anyway, there's still lots of stuff

on these shady businessmen giving her millions.

Yes, Gus rang to say sir royston felt it was a very small story.

I don't believe it. I'll go and tell George.

Makes swooshing noise

George, we've got to do something about Gus.

Margaret?

She's left.

I don't know why.

It's not as if she's got someone else.

Well, that's good.

Yes.

She said I'd put her off men for life.

George, perhaps you'd better just take the day off?

It's not been a good year, you know, Alex.

My suspected ulcer, my rabies scare.

My daughter's five court appearances.

And, I mean, what are the odds against a bit off a jumbo jet

landing on your roof?

Some things are improving, aren't they, George?

I mean, at least you've got all that sewage out of your basement now.

I suppose so.

God!

I never thought we'd actually split up.

I mean, all right,

I know the physical side's been a bit quiet since...

Since... well, for quite some time, actually.

Oh, what's the point in any of it?

George, I saw you looking upset, so I thought you might find solace

in that marvellous passage from revelations.

"And god shall wipe away all tears from their eyes."

Thank you, Sally.

Look, George, I know it feels like you've hit bottom right now,

and, well, it will take time.

But things are bound to improve eventually.

You'll see. Gradually, life will start to seem a little bit brighter.

Yes. Yes, you're right.

George? Your wife's solicitor just rang. She wants the house.

This Carol Thatcher defaulting on her poll tax thing,

shall I put it in the running order?

It's not really a new story, is it? No, not really.

Should I put it in just to annoy her? Yeah.

Look, erm, purely out of interest,

that tarot hand you dealt me, exactly what did it foretell?

Well, basically, death by drowning. You had the water card.

Right. I see.

He scoffs

it's a load of old rubbish, isn't it?

Absolutely. It's all balderdash.

Yep. Yeah, you're right.

Mind you, I didn't think that when I came back from Haiti that time.

No, my cameraman, pat, he got cursed one day

by one of their witch doctors,

and not long afterwards, he met a most horrible fate.

He joined sky, didn't he?

After that, he disappeared in Gambia.

They think he was eaten by crocodiles.

They just found one arm clutching a claim form for expenses.

Cheers, Henry (!)

Statement from number ten.

Major's not going to get drawn into a slanging match with Thatcher.

Well, apparently, he was furious with her

over that interview she did for itn.

Yeah, I heard he was so angry, he went bright grey.

Yes, all right.

Now... Freddie Mercury.

I think we should take a Christian attitude. Absolutely.

And point out that AIDS is god's punishment for being gay.

All: For god's sake!

I suppose diabetes is god's punishment for liking sugar?

And cancer is god's punishment for living near sellafield?

God's punishment for inventing television is Jeremy beadle (!)

Yeah.

If we could get on, please?

George, another message from Earl Johnson, bishop of bollocks,

banging on about his rally.

Anything else?

Oh, yes, there's a big report on the divorce rate going up...

..But it's probably not that important.

It's all right, Alex. I'm gonna have to face up to it.

Get used to being on my own.

Stop being reliant on others.

That sounds like a good idea, George.

Yes, Margaret suggested it on the phone last night.

I'm going to look for some activities outside work.

You should, yes.

Yes. I haven't slept for a week,

the world I've known for 20 years lies shattered around me,

and I see no reason in living, but, on the other hand,

I am going to take up badminton.

I might as well slit my wrists.

George, George, that is not the solution.

No, squash is a much better game.

Yes, you get a better quality of crumpet in the clubhouse,

especially if you like them sweaty.

Henry, does anything tell you

that you are not quite on the right wavelength, yet?

George. I've written out a couple more texts for you.

I thought they might help.

Oh, thank you, Sally.

I did read the others you gave me,

and, well, I must admit, they did make me wonder

whether there's something missing from my life.

Well, that's great.

And if you want to talk me about it, George, you know where I am.

Thanks.

Typical religious tactics. Get them when they're down,

then get them hooked on this recycled Hebrew soap opera.

The truth is in that book, Henry.

Damien, these tarot cards,

all this, er, daft "death by drowning" stuff...

I don't suppose there was any indication of timescale, was there?

Fate could strike at any time. Why do you ask?

Well, it's just that I'm due to take this weekend jaunt

on the ferry to boulogne, and, erm,

I just thought it was very funny, that's all.

You can't shake my faith, Henry.

From now on, I live my life by god's laws.

Does that mean you have to give up

shagging long-distance lorry drivers, then?

It won't work.

Oh, you're no fun any more!

Damien, going back to these tarot cards... and you two!

Why don't you stop farting around with that adolescent codswallop

and do some decent work for a change?!

What was all that about?

It's obvious. With Sally being impossible to provoke,

he's got a massive surplus of bile.

Shouts: Bloody thing!

Banging there goes the drinks machine.

Good day to you, Sally.

Oh! Good day to you all.

It's a pleasure and privilege to see y'all again.

Quite (!) How did you get in, Earl?

There are no closed doors to those who fight the devil.

I don't think George wants to see you, Earl.

It's all right, Alex. I'll handle this.

George, I haven't had the pleasure of seeing your cameras at my rally.

Well, as I think I explained, I'm afraid we can't.

We're governed by the rules on religious broadcasting.

Right, well, I hear what you're saying, George,

and I clearly see what your problem is here.

Oh. Good.

Your problem is that you are possessed by Satan.

Erm, no, no, I don't think so. With respect, I...

Those who oppose the work of the lord are on the side of Lucifer.

Do you wanna go hand-in-hand with the devil?

Well, ideally, no.

But I have to say, we can't cover this rally. You see...

George has chosen to follow Satan.

All he's saying is we can't cover your stupid rally.

Do you people realise who I am?

I am Earl Johnson, who had the top-rated

Sunday prime-time Evangelical show in Cincinnati

for over five years.

I am Earl Johnson,

who the lord gave a 28 audience share

and a Nielsen ar of 14.2.

I am Earl Johnson,

who, had the devil not filled the minds of the foolish

with lascivious allegations,

would've had a show coast to coast on a major network.

But he was at work there, as he is at work here.

I can see the number of the beast engraved on your foreheads.

Is that an 071 or 081 number?

You people...

It doesn't surprise me that your ravenous sexual appetites

have destroyed your marriage. I'm sorry?

Or that you dabble in the dark arts.

And it doesn't surprise me that your private life

is a cesspool of sexual corruption and excess.

Flattery will get you nowhere.

Don't be tempted by anger, Earl.

I'm leaving this sewer before the naked putrefaction

overwhelms me with the stench.

No chance of you covering that rally?

No.

You'll burn for eternity, George...

..As well as safeway and tesco and...

That guy is definitely one flying buttress short of a cathedral.

He's ridiculous...

What did he mean, my "ravening sexual appetites"?

..And no judge of character.

Oh, god. What a day.

Deborah's headmaster rang.

She's been suspended again for playing cops and robbers.

Apparently, she arrested three first-formers, beat them up,

made them sign false confessions, then locked them in the boiler room.

Talent scouts from the met will be on to you soon, George.

By the way, David, I've got a bone to pick with you.

Apparently, in our report on major's first year in power,

you used the same photograph for him being furious, for him relaxing,

and for him being triumphant.

Someone spotted it, did they?

Well, as a matter of fact, no, but it's no excuse for cutting corners.

Oh, god, Sally's got another Bible.

Oh, no, that's, er, that's mine.

Well, increasingly, I've been feeling incomplete and...

Well, a bit lost, really.

And I've found dipping into this really comforting.

Oh, brilliant, we've got two of the buggers now (!)

This is great news. I'm so pleased, George.

Any time you want to talk about it, I'll be there for you.

But now, I'm going to Earl's rally,

where I will apologise to him on behalf of you all.

Electronic 'hallelujah chorus'

oh, it's wonderful.

The good lord guides our marketing division.

This is our angel Gabriel doorstop.

I do so admire the work you're doing, Earl.

I just feel so ashamed of the way my colleagues treated you.

It's no matter.

And don't you worry...

Uncle Earl will protect you from those media deviants.

I'm sure you will.

At the rally tonight, I felt so secure.

And when we all knelt down to pray,

it was like being a little girl again.

Shall we pray now?

Oh, yes.

Kneel down, Sally.

"Oh, lord.

"Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant row.

"Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times."

I'm sorry?

Proverbs 5:19.

Oh. I didn't know that there were breasts in the Bible.

The lord, as surely as he created our minds,

created our bodies, Sally.

And he loves our bodies.

Yes. Yes, of course.

And he loves all the workings of our bodies.

All the movings and...

Pumpings and throbbings...

And spurtings.

And he wants us to look on their magnificence.

Sally...

Gaze upon the glory of the lord.

Fly unzips

you can't deny the history behind it.

Hundreds of historical figures...

Look, look, look, I am a logical person, ok?

I've thought all this through,

and this occult stuff is obviously complete crap.

You say that, but Nancy Reagan used astrology

when she was governing America. Thank you.

Hey, listen, do you think it's true about her and Frank Sinatra?

Oh, I don't know.

It's difficult to imagine it happening here, isn't it, eh?

Norma major and Engelbert Humperdinck.

Norma major and Engelbert Humperdinck?

Are you sure?

No, no, no, George. We were just... never mind.

Message from Gus.

Sir royston feels that labour's divisions over Europe

is a very big story.

Oh, and, Dave, the ferry company just rang.

There's no way you're gonna get a refund on that boulogne ticket.

Not at this notice.

Well, I just thought I'd stay at home for the weekend, you know.

The bedroom needs repapering, and I've been meaning to put

that spice rack up in the kitchen for weeks now.

I wanted to catch a very interesting documentary

on radio 3 on Saturday night... about Gustav mahler.

Sally. Sally, do you think we could have that chat?

Only, I've been turning to the Bible more and more,

and, well, I know you're the only person here

I can really count on to be sympathetic.

Oh... fuck off, George!

I'm sorry?

I am sick of your weak, whinging, self-pitying, self-obsessed mewling.

I tell you, Margaret's well out of it.

Now, joy, stop doing your nails, get me a cup of coffee.

So, Sally, how's the christianity coming along?

Don't talk to me about that mumbo jumbo.

And don't you dare broadcast anything

about that despicable man and his rallies.

They've been postponed. Apparently, he fell down and injured his knee.

His groin.

Says here... it was his groin.

It received a visitation from the angel Gabriel.

So, Sally, your god-bothering days are over!

Oh, do shut up, methuselah!

George, I want to talk about my billing and my clothes allowance.

And where the hell's that coffee?! Great to have you back.

George: More on this government drive on sex education -

Kenneth Clarke is going to make a speech promoting contraception.

Alex: That's a good idea.

Kenneth Clarke's the most convincing argument there is for contraception.

What about your Deborah?

What sort of sex education is she getting at school?

It seems to mostly involve hell's angels.

She's such a worry.

The police picked her up last night for joyriding.

Luckily, she's ok. She drove the car into a wall.

Oh, god, did they charge her?

No, well, seeing as how it was my car...

And besides, they seemed quite keen

to get her out of the police station.

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