Original subtitles

'This episode of drop the dead donkey

'was first shown in November '91, in the week in which

'mrs Thatcher attacked John Major's line on Europe,

'Frank Bruno made an embarrassing comeback,

'and there was controversy over the quorn fox hunt.'

now then, we've got an advance copy of major's interview

about his time on the dole.

Oh, god!

No doubt he'll go into that revolting uriah heep routine of his.

"You know, I'm ever so humble, I've only got four o-levels,

"but I've done quite well, haven't I, considering?"

And you know, you just know,

that beneath that self-deprecating android smile,

he's got an ego the size of the bloody planet Jupiter!

I'm... I'm sorry,

it's just that it's been bothering me a bit recently.

Right. Now, there's still a lot of controversy

on this Michael Jackson video.

Objections to him stroking his groin.

Well, it's his groin now. Probably used to be his nose.

You all right, George?

Yes.

Ok, what else?

Well, I was chatting with some fellow worshippers,

this new, more radical group I've joined.

Vigilantes for Christ.

And they were bemoaning the fact

that our reports never seem to carry any positive social message.

Well, the special report that I'm doing is socially relevant.

I'm going to live as a down-and-out for a week.

Since when?

Since half an hour ago. I approved Damien's idea.

I think it'll make an excellent subject for a report.

After all, this is the caring '90s.

Hang on, hang on. This is 1991.

So, who decided that the '900s would be caring?

Lots of heartless shits who work in advertising!

Has George agreed to this piece of Damien's?

Oh, yes. At least, I think he agreed.

He just sort of grunted.

Right.

George, why didn't you mention Damien's latest jaunt to me?

I mean, how I supposed to allocate resources

if I don't have...

Are you ok?

Yes, yes, I'm fine.

No, I'm not.

Margaret's leaving me.

Oh, god. I'm sorry, George.

What on earth's brought this on?

Well, it's been a very difficult year for us,

what with the house developing subsidence.

And the builders coming in, and then fracturing the water main...

..Flooding the basement and eroding the foundations...

..And then the second lot of builders coming in,

and discovering that the roof was unsafe.

That poor chap's still in hospital.

I'll never forget seeing him plummet past the window

as I cleaned my teeth.

And then there's my mystery tummy trouble.

They say it's all clear, but I don't feel right.

And I'm overworked, which means I never get home,

which means my wife is leaving me,

which means my irritable bowel syndrome is starting up,

and I can feel a migraine coming on.

Still...

Mustn't grumble.

Look, George...

George, this vukovar stuff's... Dave, not now.

Eh?

Margaret's leaving him.

Oh, I'm sorry, George, I really am.

It's ok, Dave.

Another bloke, is it?

Dave!

I'm sorry.

It's just that in my experience, whenever a woman leaves her husband,

there is invariably another man involved.

Yes, usually it's you.

I suggest if you can't be helpful, you just leave, ok?

Now, listen, George.

You and Margaret obviously need time to talk things through,

so why don't you just... i don't know, leave all this?

Get a cab and go home early.

Yeah, that's right, it's a good idea.

Might catch her with him.

Well, what do you think?

I thought that was helpful!

Bloody hell, it's compo!

Very funny. Dave laughs

now, let's get this perfectly straight.

You reckon you could live as a true down-and-out?

That's right. No outside help, no money,

nothing for six days and nights.

You'll never manage it.

Listen, when I set myself a personal goal, I achieve it, ok?

I've known a lot of human suffering.

You've filmed a lot of human suffering.

And sometimes you've caused it.

You have never experienced it.

Listen, I have very deep personal resources, ok?

I've got secret rendezvous arranged with the camera crew,

so that my cover isn't blown.

And in exactly six days' time at 10:30 am,

I will be back in here with a story that'll make John pilger eat dust.

Yeah, ok. Frisk him for credit cards.

Look... look, stop this.

All my cards are locked away in my drawer

along with my chequebook and my house keys.

This is pathetic.

Well, all right. So, you don't think I'll manage it?

It's not just me, dear boy.

Hands up all those who don't think Damien could live

as a proper down-and-out for a week.

Right, well, you'll see!

Dave, do you think he could actually stick it out for a week?

I hope so.

Think of the fun I'm gonna have with his credit cards.

Hello, is that ladbrokes?

Good weekend?

Not really.

Spent most of trying to persuade Margaret not to leave.

Now, listen, George.

I'm not usually one to offer advice,

but I think the answer might be a romantic candlelit dinner.

Champagne, soft music. Just sweet-talk her.

Margaret would never fall for that, Henry.

She's highly intelligent.

There's your mistake, you see. Never get involved with a woman

whose IQ measures higher than her bra size.

That's my motto.

Yes, we can't spend all morning listening to Henry's inadequacies.

Now, then. Progress report on Damien.

I've just viewed the stuff he sent in over the weekend,

and it is surprisingly good.

He does look rough, though.

Apparently, Saturday night he slept on the embankment in a bin liner.

Well, we've all done that.

On the stories front,

there are some rumours about another hostage being released.

Now, it might be waite, or it could be Terry Anderson, the journalist.

So, Dave, let's have their biogs ready, ok?

Of course, kidnap's a nightmare that haunts all journalists.

I remember Margaret and I used to talk a lot

about what would happen if I was kidnapped.

You were never likely to be kidnapped, George.

No, but Margaret seemed to want to talk about it.

Yes, I suppose we should do something on these accusations

of lady Porter running a slush fund

to get seats on the westminster council.

How did lady Porter get chosen as lord mayor?

Honestly, dick whittington must be spinning in his grave.

If he's still got one. She's probably sold it by now.

Right, now we've also got... excuse me.

George, this AIDS feature.

I've got a slight quibble with the wording.

Go on?

Well, instead of, "and yet, safe sex is still shunned by many,

"both heterosexual and homosexuals,"

I think it should say, "and yet, safe sex is still shunned by many,

"both heterosexuals and deviants."

Yes, that does change the tone of the piece, slightly,

doesn't it, Sally?

Well, it's putting the story into a moral context, that's all.

It's a serious problem.

I don't like the word, "problem", Sally.

I prefer the word, "opportunity".

So, team, what's going down?

Well, we're doing this feature on AIDS, and Sally...

A feature on AIDS?

It won't be depressing, will it?

Only, research shows that items on AIDS

encounter viewer resistance.

The audience is out of sympathy with its victims.

They often regard AIDS as self-inflicted.

Or as a punishment from god.

George, what exactly is in this report?

Well, it focuses mostly on the plight of haemophiliacs.

Haemophiliacs! Well, that's all right, then.

So, George, about this voice-over.

I am not changing it, Sally.

I see.

So, once again, I find myself taking a moral stand alone.

Just like I did yesterday.

Oh, for the last time, Sally,

we only report substantiated news stories.

Now, the growth of satanism in the territorial army

does not fall into that category.

It's ok, Alex.

It's not your fault you're walking in darkness.

I shall pray for god to send you enlightenment.

And while you're there,

can you ask him to send me Kim basinger?

Because for so many living in Britain today

means being part of the underclass, being an invisible statistic.

This is Damien day, surviving on the streets of London.

Dave offscreen: Very nice.

Very poignant.

So, you're determined to stick out the week, are you?

Absolutely.

Now, tonight's rendezvous is 10 o'clock, Waterloo, ok, boys?

How long since you've eaten?

Not since six last night. Hmm!

Erm...

You... you couldn't give me a bit of that Mars bar, could you?

Well, I'd love to, mate,

but I wouldn't want to be responsible

for you failing to fulfil one of your personal goals.

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I... absolutely.

Besides, I'm sure someone of your deep personal resources

can transcend a little hunger. Isn't that right, lads?

Oh, you bastards!

Still no, Sally.

We are not doing a report on satanism in the territorial army.

I remember back in '67, I think it was,

I took my camera crew to one of these devil worship rituals.

You know, where everyone prances around naked,

drinking animal blood and having orgiastic sex.

Made a good report, did it? Hmm?

Scoffs who said it was for a report?

Where are we on the hostages?

Well, I've just been watching the enemy's coverage

of the hostage release,

and they are outgunning us in the human interest department.

I want more reactions.

Now, let's have reactions from the relatives,

from church leaders, Ollie north, Perez de cuellar,

major, Hurd, kinnock, David steel and paddy ashdown.

You missed out Saint and greavsie.

That's not very helpful, Alex.

Though, come to think of it, Tom sutherland did play for rangers.

That's a good idea, Alex. Lateral thinking.

Yes, let's go with that.

Yes, well done, Alex (!)

Well, I think it's wonderful.

Not only is Terry free, but he's managed to diet.

Right, well, there's more allegations about the quorn hunt.

What sort of a person enjoys hunting?

Well, actually, George,

I've been invited to join the same hunt as Jane Seymour.

Sad, that the state of hunting, isn't it?

Nowadays, it's all bloody awful actresses,

scrap metal dealers from essex and jumped-up media types.

The fox doesn't run from terror any more, but social embarrassment.

Is the AIDS piece ready?

Oh, not yet. Her holiness hasn't done the voice-over.

Yes, I thought "moral defectives" might be an acceptable compromise.

No, I think an acceptable compromise

is that I get one of our trainee bloody newsreaders

to do this voice-over, all right, Sally?

All right, George.

Right.

Well, if that's, erm... If that's everything.

George, a quick debrief?

Here we go. Nigel Lawson's still saying

we shouldn't join a single European currency.

Oh, come on. We shouldn't listen to him.

How can you trust the judgement of a man

who calls his daughter nigella?

Well, I suppose he wanted to name her after him.

Then why didn't he call her "fat git with stupid haircut"?

George, I'm not just an executive.

I'm a mate.

And I've heard about your problem with Margaret,

and I just want to offer you some very, very important advice.

Remember, George, every down is just an up waiting to happen.

Well, er, thank you for that pearl of wisdom, Gus.

Oh, please, George. No thanks needed.

No, nothing in there.

You don't find any decent leftovers these days.

It's all that bloody recycling.

Had a good day?

No. Me neither.

I went for a job. Usual bollocks.

You can't have a job till you've got a gaff.

Can't have a gaff till you've got a job.

So, what are you gonna do, then?

I thought I'd become Prime Minister.

That way you get the house thrown in.

You're new to this, in't you?

Yeah.

You been beaten up yet?

No.

I've been beaten up five times.

No, a few bruises, you know.

It means you do better at the begging.

Damien scoffs ugh, look at me, I'm shivering.

No, that's good.

Cos when you stop shivering, that means you're about to snuff it.

Night-night.

Agh!

It's annoying.

There's a limit on Damien's connect card.

Right, we're expecting another outburst from tebbit on Europe.

He's going to say that any unification proposal

should not include the f-word.

What, France? Yes, I quite agree.

Now, if that's everything.

Not quite, George.

There is still the satanism in the territorial.

It's not a news story.

Well, I was told to expect this. What?

There is a media conspiracy

to keep the rise of satanism out of the news.

Probably orchestrated by satanists. That's how they work.

For all we know, George could be a disciple of the devil!

Yeah, that's right. Look.

He's wearing the satanists' symbolic garment...

The grey cardigan.

I think we're possibly getting a little bogged down here.

Sally, would you like to step into my office?

I just want to talk to you

about whether you think you're getting enough time off.

Oh, George, we recorded a reaction from a top broker

to lamont's claim that the recession's over.

Can't use it, though. Bloke just keeps giggling.

Did Damien rendezvous with his camera crew?

Yeah. Good piece.

Surprising moments of reality.

So... how's it going with Margaret?

Well, I've persuaded her to have dinner with me this evening.

I'm just hoping I can talk her out of leaving.

Ah. George, a word of advice. Use your one trump card.

Your air of total vulnerability.

Only the other day, I heard some women in the office

likening you to a sick puppy one might find drowning in a canal.

Use that!

Yes, well, er...

Thanks for that little pep talk, Dave.

My pleasure.

This bank's cashpoint has been closed

due to vagrants sleeping in the lobby.

Well, of all the small-minded...

Well, that's it! I'm moving my account!

Moving my account! Laughs

let's see what other accommodation's on offer.

Ah, there's this airy south-facing residence,

conveniently situated for shops and tube,

recently redecorated by chicken biryani eater.

Oh, hey, hey! This one looks good.

Aaaargh! Oi! Oi!

Dustbins clatter

ah, that's newcastle Jack. He's lived here for nine years.

He's a bit house-proud.

He's cut my lip. Look. Brilliant.

That'll come in handy for the begging.

Now, this guy's a promising target.

See, he's with his girlfriend, showing off a bit.

Tell you what, the more pathetic you seem,

the bigger it makes them feel, ok? All right?

Er, excuse me, erm...

You don't happen to have any spare change, do you?

Sure.

5p.

5p!

Oi!

5p. What do you call that, you tightfisted git?!

You can afford more than bloody 5p, you cheapskate!

What do you do for a living, eh? Come on!

Well, if you must know, I work for a shipping company.

Yeah, well, I hope all your bloody boats sink!

On the same day!

I hope she gives you the bloody clap, and all!

Oh, no. Oh, no!

What? I've stopped shivering!

That's cos it's got warmer.

Oh, thank god for that.

Hey, look, I'm...

I'm sorry that I lost my rag before, but I just couldn't take any more.

Thank god this is my last night. Eh?

Look, I'm...

I'm not a down-and-out.

I'm a TV reporter.

I'm doing this special story

on what it's like to live on the streets.

All I wanted to do was experience the grim reality.

Oh. I think you're about to.

What? Agh! Agh!

Hello. We're the local pest control.

Cleansing the streets of parasites like yourself

by setting fire to 'em.

Ah. Yes, well, erm...

Actually, you see, I'm not a tramp.

No, I'm a TV reporter.

Damien day. Well, well, well.

It's Damien day!

Damien day! That's terrific, we're honoured.

Honoured. You're honoured?

Honoured, yeah, cos we've never set fire to a celebrity before.

I wonder how Damien's getting on.

Well, one more hour and he's managed it.

Look at this. Sad, isn't it?

To see some old has-been stagger back into the ring

just to beat up some mediocre lightweight nonentity.

Yes, I think Bruno really needs... no, no, no.

I'm talking about Thatcher.

I want to thank you all for your advice.

I took Margaret for a romantic candlelit dinner,

and I told her she was my reason for living.

And she just cackled.

Then I played it extra vulnerable until she said, and I quote,

"pack it in, George, you look like a drowning puppy."

At which point, she got up and walked out.

I'm now going to turn this down into an up

by not listening to any more moronic advice!

Door slams

well, I still think there's another man.

Damien, what are you doing? You've only got another hour to go.

I don't care. Oh, but come on.

I couldn't take any more!

Oh, it's the cold that finally got to you, eh?

No.

No, as a matter of fact, it was about to get a lot warmer.

Some skinheads wanted to turn me into a form of street lighting.

I spent the rest of the night hiding in a rubbish tip.

I fell asleep, and I awoke when a rat mistook my toe for a Mars bar.

I have been abused, gnawed, throttled, almost incinerated,

and I've had enough.

Now, what did you think of the stuff that I've been sending in?

Well, Damien, I think that it will edit together

into a very impressive piece.

I thought it was rather disappointing.

Disappointing?

I expected something more... juicy.

You know, accounts of adolescents

with needles sticking out of their arms.

Winos turning blue with cold. Something.

Quite frankly, the stuff you sent in, Damien, was...

Well, it was depressing.

That's because it is depressing!

Yes, well, I'm afraid it will look a little pale

up against Lynn yates's documentary,

where she's a beggar in Mexico city for a week.

But you are going to put mine out?

Oh, yes. We'll bung it out in the early morning slot

between the horror movie and the wrestling.

Gus, I went through hell for that story.

? Onward, Christian soldiers marching as to war. ?

Excuse me, but I feel ill.

Damien. So the lord watched over you, did he?

Not noticeably.

But he was there, Damien. He watches over everybody.

How does he watch over everybody?

Well, it's obvious. He's got a remote control,

and he blips from person to person.

Yes, well, you must excuse me.

It's time for me to pray for the strength

to fight the armies of Satan.

She screams

I couldn't see her face.

Don't worry, I've captured it for posterity.

Who wants prints?

Me! Me! Me!

Can we keep the noise down, please?

Oh, George, you're always spoiling our fun.

Oh, stop bleating!

Henry, you...

You've got a... no, never mind.

Damien, that's no way to come into the office.

Hello. Yes, my name's Damien day. I bank with you,

and I was appalled to see that you have closed your cashpoint

just to deny shelter to down-and-outs,

and I'd like to move my account, please.

Oh, yes?

No, no, no. Look, I am telling you that there is no way

that I can suddenly be �400 overdrawn.

Actually, can I get back to you on that?

Charnley, you bastard!

Any more on the ec?

Thatcher's stressing that the people must be consulted.

Thatcher? Yes.

Margaret Thatcher?

Yes, well, perhaps she's on medication or something.

I must say, though, I have missed her.

She's got personality.

A repulsive personality, but at least she's got one.

Unlike major, the human mogadon tablet,

or that dullard, heath.

Is there any British leader you've liked?

Oh, yes, Lloyd George.

Fought like a lion, spoke like an angel,

drank like a fish and screwed like a rabbit.

Now that's what I call a Prime Minister!

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