All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s02e06 Alex And The Interpreter.eng

This episode of drop the dead donkey
was first shown in October '91,

when mirror journalist Nick
Davies and Robert Maxwell

were being accused of
links with Mossad,

and lawyers argued over whether
Ken Barlow was boring.

Hospital trusts. Waldegrave's
changed his policy again.

Uh-huh.

Hospital trusts. Waldegrave's
changed his policy again.

You just said that.

I know. He's changed his policy again.

Oh, this might be worth
doing something on.

Mrs Thatcher's going to record
the gettysburg address.

So now she wants to
emulate Abraham Lincoln.

Oh, good idea! Let's buy some
tickets for the theatre!

Oh, and major's making a
speech around about now

in favour of opportunities for women.

Yes, cos he's got lots of
women in his cabinet (!)

Now, now, joy. John Major's point

is that women have to force their
way into the cabinet on merit.

Quite right.

I mean, it must be so
hard to find a woman

with more talent than John
gummer or Michael Howard...

Well, exactly!

Alex, you couldn't come for a dip
in my think tank for a second?

Oh, joy, you're not going anywhere
near the kettle, are you?

Near it.

Alex, I just wanted to say

how well you're leading the
squad in George's absence.

How's his holiday going? Do we know?

Oh, I think he's beginning to unwind.

He's only phoned into the office
seven times so far today.

Splendid.

Now, I just want to remind you

that we are expecting our Russian vip.

A key player in sir royston's
expansion into eastern Europe.

So I want to see you on
charm overdrive, Alex.

You've got a lovely smile.

And I feel it's a bit of a shame
we don't see it more often.

I see. You'd like me to come on
like a synchronised swimmer.

Would you like me to wear
the nose clip, as well?

He laughs

playful banter - that's
the kind of thing I mean.

Plenty of that. Was that all?

Well, there was one other thing.

Damien's reports.

I can't help noticing he keeps
getting beaten to the punch

by the opposition.
That lyn yates woman.

Her stuff last night was full
of blood-soaked children

and dying animals. It was terrific!

Tell Damien I want to see him
competing with lyn yates.

It's not easy, Gus. The
woman's totally ruthless.

Apparently, she got that exclusive
interview with Saddam Hussein

by telling him she could get her
hands on some cheap nerve gas.

Hmm.

Very impressive.

I wonder how long she's got
to run on her contract.

Joy! Have we located the kettle yet?

Yes, it's over there.

Yes, well, actually...

Gus, if you're asking me to
make you a coffee, then say so.

Right. I'd like a cup
of coffee, please.

Sorry, too busy.

Anything coming up?

On Wednesday, they're revealing
the new patients' charter.

Gives the patient the right
to a fixed appointment,

which will specify the
time and the day.

Even the year.

Hey, how'd you get those?

My brothers away and I'm
looking after his cat, Fergie.

Why did he call it Fergie?

Well, cos he says it
costs a fortune to feed

and it's always abandoning its kittens.

Gus: Team, listen up.

Now, I'd like you to
meet mr Yuri chislenko,

chairman of the Soviet committee
for telecommunications,

and his interpreter, mr vasili boganov.

They'll be here for a few days to
study our news-gathering systems.

Right, this is Alex
pates, our acting editor.

He speaks Russian Alex Bates.

Oh, I hate chivalrous men.

They make things so difficult
for the rest of us.

He speaks Russian

he says your beauty illuminates
the room like the northern star.

Alex won't fall for that cobblers.

Thank you.

Oh, for god's sake!

And, if I may, mr chislenko.

The queen of our silver
screen, Sally smedley.

They speak Russian

he says "hi".

And, of course, king of
anchor men, Henry Davenport.

If I may, Gus. Speaks Russian

he replies in Russian

Henry speaks Russian

I don't think that's what
you meant to say, is it?

How do you mean?

Well, you just congratulated him
on being a pregnant cauliflower.

Perhaps there's something interesting

we could show mr chislenko.

Something that doesn't involve Henry.

Er, Damien's tape's just come in.
No-one's viewed it yet.

Ah, perfect! This way,
gentlemen, if you please.

Now, the young man you're about to see

is our front-line news warrior.

He translates into Russian

of course, your mr gorbachev
is very popular over here.

Over here, yes.

And I understand mrs Thatcher is
still very popular in your country.

Oh, yes. All the stalinists
think she's great.

Here it comes now.

The civil war has been
raging here for months now.

Every morning, corpses like this one

appear by the roadsides,
left by the death squads.

Each corpse a grim reminder
of the daily tragedy

being acted out in towns and
villages throughout the region.

Another violent death...

Morning.

Oh, for god's sake, Gerry!

I thought he was a stiff!

Three days now and we haven't
found a single decent corpse.

Gerry: Lyn yates has done
pieces with lots of corpses.

Just shut up about lyn
yates, all right, Gerry?

We keep arriving late at stories.

And do you know why, Gus?!

Because the money you've allocated me

means that the only transport
I was able to hire was this.

Show him, Gerry.

Go on, show him!

See?

It's a f...

I think we've seen enough
of that, don't you?

And perhaps you could
explain to mr chislenko

that we occasionally experience
minor operational hiccups?

Don't worry. He didn't notice anything.

Let me get this straight,

Alex and your boss had
dinner together last night?

Yes. With me playing loganberry.

He wrote her a poem. Very
difficult to interpret.

Especially the bit where he
likened her to a proud sturgeon.

Bit of a softie, your
boss, then, is he?

Not to work for, he isn't.
Terrible temper.

He explodes more frequently
than Soviet power station.

I'm his fifth interpreter
in six months.

A big yeltsin man, though, isn't he?

Oh, yes. During the coup, he lay
down in front of a row of tanks.

Yes, in my country, he is regarded as...
what is the word?

Hero.

No... lunatic.

A lot going on in your
neck of the woods.

Yeltsin abolishing price controls,
moving towards the free market.

Yes, just think, vasili,

soon you may have an economy as
efficient and successful as ours.

He laughs

she is serious, isn't she?!

Phone rings

hello.

Oh, hi, George. How's the holiday going?
What's the beach like?

Uh-huh. Deserted. Oh, that's great.

Well, when did you realise
it was a sewage outfall?

Yeah, well, when you're swimming,

you don't see things till
the last minute, do you?

Don't worry, everything's fine here.
Perfectly normal.

Henry: Listen, flea brain! Hear that?
Perfectly normal.

There's no point in giving you
the really serious stories.

I mean, you'd make a rail disaster
sound like a bloody recipe!

The sound of lively debate, eh?

That shows a healthy
working atmosphere.

Gus, I want some heavyweight items.

Yes, well, I think... Alex!

We seem to have a bit of a

who-does-what situation
with Henry and Sally.

It's perfectly clear who does what.

Henry shouts and blusters,

and Sally simpers and gets
on everybody's nerves.

I get the feeling you're not
taking this very seriously, Alex.

Where's the Middle East
conference up to? Oh, stalemate.

The Israelis are refusing to have
Pepsi on the conference table

because Pepsi trade with the arabs,

and the arabs are refusing to have coke

because Coca-Cola do
business with Israel.

Nice to know they're taking the
peace process seriously (!)

Looks like the only thing they both
agreed on is no bacon sandwiches.

There's more stuff about why the
mirror fired Nicholas Davis.

I can't believe they were so naive.

I mean, fancy accepting
a journalist's expenses

as proof of his whereabouts.
Dave laughs

so, what does that leave?

Er, three questions, really.

One, how are we gonna cover yugoslavia?

Two, what exactly does an
ec observer actually do?

And three... have you
slept with Yuri yet?

Dave!

Come on, how long you known him now?
Two days?

Yeah, I suppose two days is a
long-term relationship for you,

isn't it, mr wham-bam-
here-comes-your-husband-ma'am?

Funny. Come on, come on,
come on, tell me. Tell me.

Look, it's very nice.

He's considerate, and he's fun...

And he doesn't speak a word of English,

which means you don't ruin the sex

with endless discussions about
where the relationship's going.

Right. So you slept with him, then.

Ok, who had two days?

Two?

Oh, thank you (!)

Phone rings

hello. Oh, hi, George.

No, everything's great here.

How's the holiday going?

So where did this dog bite you?

Well, I would have thought the
chances of it having rabies...

543-1, right.

Well, look, George, try and relax.
Try and enjoy yourself.

Yeah, we'll remember to lock up.

Ok. Bye.

Alex. Sally.

Alex, glancing at this
morning's running order

I see yet that again is it Henry
who is interviewing Douglas Hurd.

Why can't I interview him?

Because your interview
technique is too coy.

Too coy? What do you mean?

She means that you make sue
lawley look like the gestapo.

Now, look, Sally... No, you look!

I shall speak to sir royston... hey!

He shouts in Russian

what's he saying?

He says, "please do not use that tone

"with a woman, one tiny
hair of whose head

"is worth more than your
whole over-made-up body".

Well, kindly tell your friend
that I won't be insulted by a...

How's it going, team? Lots
of glasnost bubbling away?

Terrific.

Alex, I'll appreciate a lightning
brainstorm at some point.

He speaks Russian

he says he must speak to miss
pates now, or he will die.

Well, I suppose it can wait.

Alex, I'll be in my office.

Here's your coffee, Gus.

Oh, thank you, joy. It
looks rather strong.

Yes, it does, rather, doesn't it?

You owe me �50. Hey?

I had two days in the sweepstakes.

Right.

He speaks Russian

he says he loves you with all his
being and you must marry him.

You mean he's proposing?

Yes.

Well, I'm sorry, but we
hardly know each other.

They speak Russian

he chuckles

he says, after last night, he knows
you as a soul mate in eternity.

He says, together you climb to the
pinnacles of unsurpassable ecstasy.

And believe me, this is just
as embarrassing for me.

Well, look, um...

Can you tell him that, uh...

I'm really very touched
by his proposal.

But that, um...

Well, we lead completely
different lives,

and so I hope he's not hurt.

But the answer has to be no. Da.

He speaks Russian

chislenko speaks Russian

he shouts in Russian

you, um... did translate
what I said, didn't you?

Yes.

I mean... obviously,
the interpreter's art

involves more than just a
literal word-for-word version.

Uh-huh.

All right, I softened it
slightly in translation.

To put it in a gentler way.

So, how did you put it, exactly?

I told him that you were touched
by his proposal of marriage.

And that you accepted.

What?!

Why?! Why did you say that?

Listen, that is a passionate,
irrational and powerful man.

A man who lays down in front of tanks.

If I had translated your rejection,

he would almost have
certainly blamed me

for not putting across
his thoughts properly,

then I would have been fired.

And I have a wife and four
kids in Kiev who rely on me.

So I told him a little white lie.

She scoffs "a little white lie"?!

Well, where's he gone?

To ring his mother.

What's the matter?

Yuri. Can you believe this?

I have spent one night with the
man and now he wants to marry me.

Oh, that's just sick!

I'd suppose I'd better go after him

before he books the red
square for the reception.

Come on, I need you.

Yes, Gus, what is it?
Only I'm in a hurry.

Alex, I wanted to say that mr
chislenko's attitude towards you

seems to be verging on the intense.

And I hope you'll handle this
situation with your usual diplomacy.

Oh, get stuffed, Gus. Ok?

Isn't there something you should
be getting on with, David?

Yeah, I've got more stuff
on the mirrorgate story.

I trust we're not giving credence

to these ludicrous allegations
about Robert Maxwell?

No, of course not. Absolute rubbish.

I mean, if Maxwell was
involved with Mossad,

he'd have put his son on
the board, wouldn't he?

And then there's this court case.

"Is Ken Barlow boring?"

I mean, honestly!

It's ludicrous, isn't it, the
way some people get involved?

Mind you, he's never been the
same since Deirdre left him.

What else is there? There's
this story about...

Oi! Are you listening? Hmm?

I'm sorry, Dave, it's this Yuri
business. I don't know what to do.

I've tried spelling it out to him.

Of course, it's not made any easier

by vasili constantly softening
things in translation.

I mean, I discovered yesterday that
"I will never, ever marry you"

got translated as "give me
time to think about it".

Don't worry, they're
flying home on Saturday.

Yuri isn't. Says he's staying until

"my heart succumbs to the
fiery dragon of his love".

You're joking?

I mean, in many ways,
he is a lovely man.

But in others, he is an immature
prat and I want him out!

Phone rings yes!

Yes, George, everything's fine.
Go back to the beach!

Alex, there's a balalaika
band in reception.

Mr chislenko sent them to serenade you.

Give me strength!

Oh, and there's more footage
in from dubrovnic. Ok.

Oh, this shelling is obscene, isn't it?

Just senseless destruction.

All those poor defenceless
little waterfront cafes.

Oh, Dave...

I don't understand the choices
Britain has in this Europe deal.

Oh, yeah, it's perfectly simple.

Either we join the
single European currency

and become part of the
biggest market in the world,

or we can opt out and just
concentrate on massive trade deals

with rockall and the Isle of Man.

Where's your boss?

In reception with balalaika band
singing Georgian betrothal song.

Listen, vasili, you have
got to explain to him

that his relationship
with Alex has no future.

I have tried. He worships
her as this perfect being.

But he can't keep
pursuing her like this.

He will. He will unless
she turned out to be

some mass-murdering drug
addict or something.

Ah. Um...

Well, it's funny you should
mention that, actually,

because she does have a big
drugs problem, actually.

Marijuana. Oh, well, marijuana...

Cocaine... and ecstasy.

Heroin. You've probably
seen the marks on her arms.

We tried to persuade her to go
into therapy, but, you know.

And the addiction, it just
makes her so erratic.

It's probably what
causes the shoplifting.

And the nymphomania.

Nymphomania?!

Yes, sad. She just goes
down stringfellow's,

picks up a different bloke every night.

It's an illness, really. Bozhe moi!

Yeah, course, if your boss ever
found out you knew about all this

and hadn't warned him, he'd
be a bit upset, wouldn't he?

Da.

..I'm gonna end up in
an asylum with him..

See what I mean? Erratic.

He sings in Russian

my kind of woman, yes.

Alex: Dave, Damien's stuff's coming in.

Excuse me.

He whispers in Russian

here we go.

Ok. Here'll do.

Gerry: But lyn yates has
already done one from here.

For the last time, stop
talking about lyn yates. Ok?

Right, in three.

This road is the main supply
route for the government troops.

And yet, as you can see, it's...

Explosion

there's... there's been
an explosion behind me.

It looks like an armoured vehicle
has been struck by mortar fire.

There are people running,

there are dead bodies
everywhere, as you can see.

This is tremendous..Ly moving,

to see the brutal reality of war
captured in these pictures...

Gerry: No pictures. No pictures.

What do you mean, no pictures?
Camera fault.

What?!

Bad cameras.

Now, if we had state-of-the-art cameras

like lyn yates' crew have got...
Gerry...

..I did tell you what would happen
if you mentioned lyn yates again.

Thump ow!

Jesus wept!

Alex, I have to say

there's been a serious shortfall
of discipline this week.

And if George had been here... yes?

..He wouldn't have
handled it any better.

Alex, I still don't appear to have

a serious item in tonight's broadcast.

Right, fine. You want
a serious item, here.

Sixth item, first one after the break,

the global increase in leprosy. Ok?

I said serious, not repulsive.

Oh, this Yuri business
is driving me insane!

Yeah, well, I think I may
have helped you out there.

What?

Yes, I think I may have persuaded
Yuri to quietly back off.

Dave, you're my hero!

Da.

He speaks Russian

stringfellow's!

What's the matter, Yuri?

He speaks Russian

vasili clears throat

he says he is withdrawing
his proposal of marriage.

Oh.

Right. Um...

Well, that's fine.

Right. Um...

Look, could you tell him that, um...

..I will always remember
him with great affection.

Vasili speaks Russian

chislenko speaks Russian

and he says he will always remember you

as a symbol of fraudulence
and harlotry.

Ha!

Yuri!

This is fortunate ending. Hmm.

This way, I do not get the blame
for things not turning out.

Well, so long, my friend. Take care.

If ever you are passing Kiev...

Keep going. It's a dump.

Hi. Um... there's a story coming
in and it's gonna be big.

We... we should cover this.

Dave, exactly how did you persuade
Yuri to, um, "quietly back off"?

Well, I-i simply persuaded him

that his relationship
with you had no future.

Now, we should cover this,
because this is gonna run.

What else did you tell him?

Nothing.

What else?

Well, um...

I told him that... That you took drugs.

And I also said you were a
sort of, um... shoplifter.

Anything else?

No! No, definitely not. Phone rings

yep? Oh, hello, George.

No, they're both busy right now.

Well, I think Alex is grilling
Dave about what he did

that made her Russian lover,
who Gus is sucking up to,

storm out the door, shouting
that Alex was a harlot...

Righty-ho.

George says he's getting
the next flight home.

What else?! Well, um...

I sort of suggested you were a...
a nymphomaniac.

Listen, you said you just
wanted him out of your life!

You didn't care how. I
was just being a friend.

So I am to understand that
you have sent that man away

under the impression that I am
a thieving, sex-mad junkie?!

Well, I'm sure he'll just
remember the good times.

Where is Alex? That is the limit!

Our Russian friend has stormed
off in one hell of a mood,

and her attitude is not good enough!

I'm gonna give her a severe...

Gus, I don't think now
is quite the right time.

Now is the right time, Henry!
This has gone on far too long.

Alex, you have got to learn
to exercise some self...

Thump ooh!

Er, joy, you're not going anywhere near

the first-aid kit, by
any chance, are you?

Gus: What's coming in, Dave?

Dave: Oh, Middle East
talks, queen's speech...

Just superficial pomp and
meaningless ritual, isn't it?

Same goes for the queen's speech.

Yes, very droll, Dave.

Now, what's the substance
of her majesty's speech?

New school bill to give parents
the right to blame the teacher

for their kids being thick.

Prison mutiny bill.

How do you punish prison mutineers?

Well, you send them to prison.

Well, yeah, but... Oh,
it doesn't matter.

And the biggie, of course,
is the council tax.

Yes, I must say, I could never see
anything wrong with the poll tax.

Well, of course, yeah.
It did favour people

who were always going to live
on their own, didn't it?

What's that supposed to mean, David?
Nothing.

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