Original subtitles

Voice-over: And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first shown in October '91,

when us hostage Jesse Turner was released,

and negotiations began about a Middle East peace conference.

This is the last bus

carrying innocent villagers away from the advancing rebels.

Away from their merciless butchery... bloody hell!

Come on, Gerry!

I'll see you back at the hotel!

Where did you find that?

On a tape Damien sent in.

He's really gone too far this time.

Isn't he supposed to be going out to yugoslavia?

No, I've told him he can't go.

I've sent him out to do an item on the recession.

Phone rings

George dent.

Phone rings he groans

George dent.

Hello?

Hel... hello?

Oh, these bloody phones! Dave, I thought you were gonna ring bt?

I did ring bt.

So why hasn't anything been done about it?

Cos I keep getting through to the streatham branch of spudulike.

Couldn't help with the phones,

did suggest we commit an axe murder on Maureen lipman.

Well, at least the citizen's charter will improve all that.

Yes, you still won't be able to get through,

but at least the person not picking up the phone

will be wearing a name badge.

Yes... anything else?

Chilli bean filling's on special offer.

Thank you, Dave (!)

Now, Europe's big again, more about British sovereignty.

Exactly, we don't want decisions made in Brussels.

We can't have some faceless, grey bureaucrat running Britain.

We've got some faceless, grey bureaucrat running Britain.

True. Er, listen, we've had a letter from the gay action group.

They say we're ignoring homosexual issues,

attack the hypocrisy of gay celebrities,

say they're gonna out them. Oh, who'd be interested in that?

Absolutely, it's tasteless, prurient and shabby.

They've sent a list. Really?

Yes, look, I knew it.

Oh, that's ridiculous, he's not gay. No?

No, no, he's into farmyard animals, got a thing about friesians.

Please! Can we get back to the matter in hand?

Anyway, that can't be true, he's married.

Sally: George!

"Now, I'm not one to complain..."

Now, I'm not one to complain,

but I do seem to be getting all the depressing items

to announce again, while Henry gets all the upbeat stuff.

Yes, there is a perfectly logical explanation for that.

Which is? You're paranoid.

Paranoid, am I?

In the last two weeks,

I have announced to the nation three air crashes, two rail crashes,

six serious fires,

two motorway pile-ups, one involving a dead pony,

three reports on the ozone layer, one oil spill,

12 murders, nine stabbings,

one flood, two landslides, three famines,

and a live interview with John gummer.

George? I haven't finished yet!

Now, if I'm constantly linked with bad news...

How's she going to get any decent parts in panto?

For the last time, I am not interested in doing panto.

Yes, you are. Oh, no, I'm not.

All: Oh, yes, you are!

Got her again!

George? Yes?

That minister Nicholas waugh's arrived

for the interview on the one o'clock... oh, good.

..Pissed as a rat. Oh, no.

Oh, for goodness' sake, how bad is he? He's not incapable?

George, he's a government minister.

Would some black coffee do any good?

A bucket and a stomach pump wouldn't do any good.

Oh, wonderful. This would happen on Alex's day off.

And where the hell is Damien's report?

While economists and politicians

argue whether the recession is bottoming out,

here in Britain's high streets, bankruptcies are not only increasing

but becoming more visible.

As shops go broke and branches close,

there are now no longer...

Excuse me, we're trying to film a news report here.

Could I ask you, in the nicest possible way, to piss off?

Oh, sod it. Gerry, give us a fiver.

Come on.

Here.

Now, bog off.

Are we still running? Clears throat

while economists and politicians

argue whether the recession is bottoming out,

here in Britain's high streets,

bankruptcies are not only increasing...

? Krishna, hare krishna... ? oh, Jesus wept.

? Krishna, hare, hare... ? bloody nutters.

? Hare rama, hare rama ?

? rama, rama... ? we'll go when it's quiet.

Chanting fades

all right, then?

While economists and politicians

argue whether the recession is bottoming out,

here in Britain's high streets, bankruptcies are not only...

Mutters: Oh, for goodness' sake.

Sighs wearily

Henry, what do you think of this extension of the eec?

Oh, it's a great step forward. Oh, yes, yes.

Now all Europeans can join together

in one common bond of hating the Swiss.

Yes, bloody leather-shorted yodellers.

I thought that was the Austrians?

Erm... correction, two common bonds.

Henry, you fancy a flutter on my "how many writs will Maxwell issue

"by the end of the week" sweepstake?

Hmm, 24? Ok.

24, that's the lowest yet.

Er, Dave?

Yes, yes, I'm going. Thank you.

Knocks on door

good morning, minister, I've brought you some coffee.

It's afternoon.

Still, we can't expect you people to be accurate.

You're always lying, eh?

I suppose you're going to stitch me up,

just like the bolshevik broadcasting corporation

stitched Michael Howard, eh?

Erm, I'll put it here, shall I?

Mm, have a whiskey. Not right now, thanks.

Shall I get you some water? Why, why, why, won't you drink with me?

Huh?

Typical media wimp. Scoffs

yeah, you're all pallid pink clones,

sipping your Nicaraguan mineral water.

You obviously haven't met Henry Davenport.

Oh, yes, I know Henry, yeah.

He tried to pull my wife once at a party conference.

Didn't get anywhere, though, so I won the tenner off him.

He's doing me, is he?

Yes, yes. Well, that was the idea,

to balance the interview with Robin cook

on the breakfast bulletin. Oh, Robin, Robin cook.

I've got a lot of respect for Robin. Yeah?

No. Ugly little turd.

Talking of turds, is Gus hedges still the governor round here?

Yeah. Hmm.

"Governor." Chuckles

it is sad. Sad, isn't it, eh?

Old England going down the swanee.

Waugh chuckles cabbies,

cabbies always used to say "guv'nor," you know?

"Piss off, guv'nor," they'd say,

"not going there this time of night."

Sad, very sad. Yes, listen, I'll take this away, shall I?

Erm, for a refill?

Maybe I'll leave it there. Bloody eec, you see?

Jacques bloody delors... mumbles

well, I'd hardly call it socialist bias.

Well, no, actually, it was only three minutes of Gerald Kaufman.

Probably just felt like eight.

He is completely smashed, it's not even lunchtime.

Yes, you have to admire that, don't you?

Apparently you chatted up his wife once?

Hmm? Oh, yes. Unsuccessfully.

That's what he thinks.

Well, it's very hard to edit Kaufman.

He doesn't breathe in between sentences

like a normal human being.

We do try to be fair and give a bal...

Hello? Hello?

Oh, these bloody phones!

Joy, have you got through to bt yet?

Don't be silly, George, I've only had 19 goes.

George, there is no way he can go on the air,

he is completely incoherent.

He's going off on wild tangents, blathering on about the eec.

That's never stopped us interviewing Nicholas Ridley.

Only he's never had the excuse of being drunk.

Have we got through to Tory central office?

We've been trying, George.

All the lines have gone haywire, it must be the exchange.

Oh, this is ridiculous. Why did they have to send us waugh?

I mean, what's wrong with waldegrave?

You want a list?

Have you seen this? The number of people in Britain

below the poverty line has doubled to 11 million.

Well, I think a lot of them don't want to be helped.

My maid has walked out on me

just because I asked her to do a little job outside the house.

Er, Sally... in the end,

I had to get a professional company in to drain the cesspit.

George! George, my main man.

I hear there's a blip on your scanner?

A government minister a bit the worse for wear?

Yes, and we don't know what to do.

Well, maybe I could lay out the options for you?

One, we send him on pissed,

we're accused of deliberately making a Tory minister look ridiculous

and we all end up getting crucified.

Two, we stop him going on,

by the time Tory central office talk to him he's sober,

denies he was ever drunk,

we're accused of gagging a government spokesman

and we all end up getting crucified.

Yes, well, thanks for laying out the options, Dave.

Er, so, Gus, what do you suggest?

Well, I wouldn't want to adopt some glib position here, George,

and, as you know, I never interfere in the editorial side

of your operation. Cheers (!)

George, you have to make a decision. How can I make a decision when...

Once again, I have been saddled with the latest water scare.

It's always me.

Not true, I had the water scare yesterday.

Yes, but I had Monday's water scare, and last Wednesday's,

and both of Friday's!

Can we stop... Davenport, you old bastard!

Oh, Nick, old boy! Both laugh

ah, when are you going to get a proper job, eh?

Oh, my god.

Well, I was... I was telling your, er, your lackey here

about that party conference thing.

Whatever happened to that woman you were shafting

in your hotel room?

Oh, I believe she's divorcing you, Nick.

Laughs

always the wag, eh, Henry? Always the wa... ah!

The delightful miss smedley.

Chuckles haven't we, I'm sure we've met,

have we, at some sort of charity do, was there?

I hope not. No, no, we did, I'm sure we did, we did,

it was, erm, I don't know, Ethiopians or, or pakistanis

or disabled lesbian donkeys, or something.

So, you, er, you ravishing creature...

Chuckles ..Why aren't you interviewing me?

I don't know. I usually get all the depressing items.

Er, sir Nicholas? Yes?

I was just wondering... yes?

I was just thinking, maybe you might like to postpone,

temporarily, your interview, on account of you being...

You being so, er...

Major a political figure?

Only, well, as you know,

the evening bulletin has a much more intellectual class of viewer.

What?

Or tomorrow, perhaps, would be a good time?

Are you suggesting that I don't do this interview now?

Er, no. No? Well, yes. Yes? Well, probably. Probably?

Clears throat so...

You have scrotum features cook on the breakfast bulletin,

and no-one to answer him?

Well, it just does seem you are a little... overstretched.

Mocking: Overstretched?

This is another pinko media trick, isn't it? Yeah.

Now, listen, I came in here to answer some damn silly questions,

and I'm going to answer some damn silly questions.

I'm ringing central office about you pillocks.

I think you'll find the phones... Stop wittering, you prat.

Leave it!

Damien sighs

oh, not you again. Go on!

Sighs

we'd better go quickly before any more turn up.

Oh, we can live with the piano.

While economists and politicians

argue whether the recession is bottoming out,

here in Britain's high streets, bank...

Morons.

While economists and politicians

argue whether the recession is bottoming out,

here in Britain's...

Oh, great.

Great, bloody great!

Groans

while economists...

Car alarm sounds

glass smashes

he's in my office!

Well spotted, George.

He's sitting in my chair!

What is this, the three bears?

Hell's bells, we're on in 12 minutes!

Can we finalise the running order? Yes, yes, yes, all right.

Oh, joy, could you make me a cup of coffee?

Now, there's a review today of the decision not to prosecute

four detectives involved in the guildford four case.

Police say they didn't have enough evidence.

That's never stopped them before.

Well, at least all this could lead to some legal reforms.

Oh, it has already. They've reduced the sentence for being Irish

from 15 years to ten.

Now, what about this charter for women major's come up with?

Good god, the man's got more charters than Dan-air.

Who does he think he is, mother major of bloody Calcutta?

Thank you, Henry (!)

I actually think it's rather important

that women should have equality in the office place.

Oh, good, then you can get your own coffee.

Now, George, Henry not only says "good evening" first,

but he also gets to say "good night" last.

Is there a reason for this?

Yes, I'm one of Britain's most experienced TV journalists,

while you're a lobotomised Tracy

who belongs behind a woolworths checkout!

Next! Do you want me to get my cv

so you can read my list of credits? I'd be finished in ten seconds.

You usually are, according to what it says in the ladies'.

George, there seem to be a few more incoming missiles

on your radar screen.

Plus, all those complaints about bias.

Now, we're ice-skating on jellied eels over this one.

What?

We can't afford any more mistakes.

What's the matter with your bloody phones?

I keep getting some wop going on about murdering Maureen lipman

with an axe.

Well, I did try to... an excellent notion, if you ask me.

Bloody phones.

I remember, I remember a time...

..When you could pick up a phone, and...

Come to think of it, they didn't work then, either.

Bloody eec, Jacques bloody del...

Where's my glass?

Somebody is going to have to tell that unpleasant drunk

that he won't be on the news! Come along, chief.

No, no, no, I've already told him. Gus, you know him, don't you?

I do move in those circles, but... it's just that,

when he arrived, you were the first person he mentioned.

He called you "the governor".

Really? Oh, yes.

I'd really appreciate it if you'd have a word.

Oh, very well.

I suppose this situation does call for finely-honed

executive man-management skills.

Security say some of the gay action lot are downstairs.

Oh, you're joking? George, George,

the gay action... Not now, not now!

Waugh: Feeble-brained, brown-nosing,

bullshitting clotheshorse!

George, er...

The minister said he'd rather talk to you.

Come on, come on!

The lunchtime's on the air in ten minutes,

we've got to concentrate.

Gerry whispers: Wires. What?

Wires! Oh, right.

Sighs come on, this time, this time.

While economists and politicians

argue whether the recession is bottoming out,

here in Britain's high streets,

bankruptcies are not only increasing,

but are becoming more visible.

As shops go broke and branches close,

there are now no longer eager tenants waiting to take over.

Increasingly...

Quietly: Jesus.

I'll just have to move ten yards down the road.

It's all we can do.

Piano fell on the floor.

Excuse me, do you know any...

Did you rip these out of my car?

Damien sighs

well, what if I did?

Three minutes. Look, someone's got to tell him he can't go on.

Well, maybe we could go ahead without him

and hope he falls asleep or something and never realises?

George, you have to tell him!

How? Answer me that! Well, you're the editor.

He just has to be told! Well, you tell him!

Oh, for heaven's sake, I'll tell him!

No, no, no, no! Henry! Oh, my god.

Nick? Mm?

Nick, you're as pissed as a fart.

If you do this interview, you'll look like a complete pillock.

Will I? Oh, fair enough. You should've told me earlier.

And one other thing... yeah?

If you like scotch... Oh, I like it.

Yeah, the decent stuff is in Gus's office there.

Gus's? He'll join you later. Rightio, thank you, Henry.

Good, that's sorted out. What's next?

Right, erm, two minutes, let's go.

Henry, this is just in,

the areas the Israelis refuse to talk about the peace talks.

I guess just about everything apart from football,

gardening and the weather? No, no, gardening's in there.

Er, Sally, this is going in after Cambodia.

It's a big protest about the state of kashmir.

Well, absolutely. I bought this cashmere cardigan the other day,

it was �250, and I mean the...

Thank you, Dave.

Ok? We still haven't had Damien's report.

He says he's had a few problems, but reckons we can go to him live.

Henry, Sally, all right?

No, you still haven't answered why I can't do the sign-off.

Because you're a brain-dead Barbie doll!

Microphone clicks good point, Sally,

we'll sort all that out later, shall we?

George, some of the gay protesters have broken into the building.

Oh, no, they're not in the office, are they?

No, they're not in the office. Good.

Jesus! On in 50 seconds.

George, disaster! I know.

He's drinking my 30-year-old glenmorangie!

Gus! Oh, god! Where are security?

Locked themselves in reception, didn't want to get involved.

We have to do something here. 30 seconds.

What do you suggest? Violence?

No, no, I won't sanction the use of brute force.

George, one of them is taking his clothes off.

Drag them out of there now!

Waugh: Hey, here we are again, then, eh?

Just like birt and the BBC,

speaking biased bollocks from nation unto nation.

Roll in 15.

You want a story? I'll give you a story.

If we use the titles as an opening shot, we might be all right.

"Minister's marriage is sham."

We can hold the titles for a couple of seconds extra.

Hello, god. She wants a divorce, the bitch.

Now, I'm not strictly a believer.

I'm not going to give her one.

No, haven't given her one for 20 years.

In fact, you haven't heard from me in some time.

Roll titles. Don't cut to Henry till I say.

But if you were thinking of a little divine intercession,

now would be a very good time for me.

We have an arrangement, you see.

She drives me to drink, and I drive her to Valium.

Right now! Go to him in ten.

Ten seconds, Henry. Right now, this very moment.

Well, I'm not divorcing her,

even if the ee-bloody-c make it compulsory!

Please! Cue Henry.

Good afternoon, here is the one o'clock news.

'The headlines...' I think we got away with it.

Wasn't there a foot...?

Waugh murmurs

get him out of here!

Hello! I didn't know you were on the demo.

I haven't seen you since madame jojo's.

I never met the man.

I actually think we got away with it.

Where's waugh? Sleeping it off in your office.

Oh, thank god for that.

Gus: Well-handled, George.

Just a word about our hostage coverage.

We mentioned Jesse Tanner's four years and nine months

of captivity. Well, that was correct, wasn't it?

Yes, but I noticed itn punched home the drama with "1,730 days".

We can't be outdone here, George.

Well, maybe we should say 65,000 hours.

Or three million minutes.

Or six of Neil kinnock's speeches.

There's no need to be cynical.

Henry's on the recession report. We go to Damien in one minute.

Well, well done, everyone, we're nearly there.

Erm, George...

Oh, no!

..Earlier optimism,

hailing a surprisingly small increase...

Damien! Go to Damien as quick as you can! Go!

..That the recession was ending.

And now, for more on this, we go live to Damien day.

While economists and politicians

argue whether the recession is bottoming out,

here in Britain's high streets

bankruptcies are not only increasing,

but are becoming more visible.

As shops go broke and branches close,

there are now no longer eager young tenants

waiting to take over.

Increasingly, premises like this one are being boarded up.

How many more follow them

will chart the course of this recession.

This is Damien day in west London.

And finally... 20 seconds to go.

Oh, what a nightmare. Sighs

Dave sighs

are the police here?

Yeah, they've caught all the protesters except one.

Standby grams. I think we made it.

Thank you, god.

That's all the news this lunchtime, and...

We'll be back at six o'clock.

Cue grams. Closing jingle

well, George, we pulled it off.

Thank you, everybody.

Well-coped, troops. Gus, I demand an explanation!

We had a studio full of drunks and troublemakers!

When I'm reading the news, I do not want 15 stones of naked pervert

trying to handcuff himself to me.

No, she gets plenty of that at home.

Well done, everybody. George, what the hell is going on?

She did my sign-off! For goodness' sake.

Tell her she can't do it! I always finish last!

That's not what it says on the wall of the ladies'.

Waugh: Finally stumbled through, then?

Scoffs Christ! What a shambles.

No, we did not "stumble"!

We did a magnificent job in bloody difficult circumstances!

Don't you get shirty with me!

I know what I've seen here,

and I'm now informing the home secretary

of your lamentable security, bias and rank amateurism.

Well, I must take issue with you there, sir Nicholas.

Here at globelink news, we pride ourselves on our tradition

of complete and utter professionalism.

Man: Oi!

What the hell was that?

What was what? That, you must have seen that?

Seen what?

Well, that, that naked man.

I'm sorry? "That naked man?"

Oh.

Yes, I could...

I could swear I saw... I saw a na...

He had his...

Sighs

could someone send for my car, please?

Henry: So, George, anything new on the financial front?

George: The banks have been criticised for being insensitive

and high-handed.

So nothing new on the financial front.

Bloody banks. You know, they won't lend me the 2,000 quid I need

to get a ticket for the England-Scotland match.

�2,000 for a rugby ticket?

God, you could buy a TV franchise for that.

Anyhow, what's the latest on the big peace breakthrough

in the Middle East? The Syrians are buying scuds,

there's fighting in south Lebanon,

and the Israelis are machine-gunning a refugee camp.

Thank god they're not at war.

Now, where am I going to get this money from?

Oh, it's depressing, isn't it? I think we're in for a bloodbath.

Not if the referee keeps control. Henry!

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