Original subtitles

And now...

This episode was first shown in September 1991,

in a week when hostage Jackie Mann returned home,

and the west threatened to resume war with Iraq.

Now, then, there's more speculation about the election date.

Oh, god, not again!

Please, George, this is a non-story.

Well, we've got to cover it somehow.

How about this?

"Bong. November considered more likely

"since John Major seen disembowelling a chicken."

"Bong. 28 more opinion polls show

"if labour had a naked Kim basinger as its leader,

"they would be ahead by 14 points."

Thank you, Henry (!)

Well, maybe we should do something on all these polls that show

the people won't vote for kinnock because he's regarded as a windbag.

Has kinnock responded?

Er, yeah, we got a statement from him.

Very funny, David (!)

Morning, newsbusters. Are we on turbo thrust? I hope so.

Now, I'd like to play you all this vhs that I recorded at the weekend.

Actually, Gus...

I think it might prove very educational.

Welcome back. Last week, this book, a Gulf of understanding, came out,

severely criticising British television's

news coverage of the Gulf war.

With me in the studio to answer some of the criticisms

is the news editor of globelink, George dent.

Mr dent. "Sloppy, ill-informed, sensationalist,

"biased, irrelevant and hopelessly lacking in objectivity."

These are just some of the words this book uses

to describe your news coverage. What's your reaction to that?

As you know, Emma,

news coverage is a difficult business.

So you're saying low standards are inevitable?

Well, no. Er...

To be specific, this book mentions the hours

where no news was available,

which you filled with "idle speculation and waffle".

I think that's... yes.

It's true, there is a danger in too much speculation

and, obviously, we were careful to avoid that.

I understand globelink employed five different generals

over the Gulf war period.

Obviously, we're not saying our coverage was perfect.

There were mistakes.

So, presumably, you've started an inquiry into your Gulf coverage?

Yes.

Yes, one is going to be carried out quite soon.

And I assume its findings will be made public?

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Thank you, mr dent. And we'll look forward to that report.

I think George could have been spared that, don't you, Gus?

Why the hell did you agree to an inquiry like that?

Yes, chief, you did seem to let a few scuds past your patriots.

Well, it wasn't my fault! She was all chatty before the interview.

Then she suddenly came at me with all these difficult questions.

Difficult questions? Nonsense. That was sissy stuff.

I'd have humiliated you, George.

She did humiliate him.

I suppose she did all right for a popsy.

At least it wasn't one of those downy-cheeked adolescent smoothies.

God, Paxman, suchet! When I was their age,

I was spending three days hiding in a brothel

playing catch with live hand grenades

and drinking vintage champagne from a vietnamese belly dancer's navel.

Yes, well, not everybody had the Vietnam war...

This wasn't Vietnam. This was a stag party in catford.

Amazing!

It's amazing, some of the things she could pick up using only her...

I don't think we want to know. I do!

Amazing, some of the things I picked up.

Thank god for Alexander Fleming, eh?

Thank you, Henry (!)

I did my best during that interview.

Well, I think announcing an inquiry is an excellent idea. Do you?

Certainly! Provided, of course, we don't hold one.

Especially with the prospect of our boys going back to the Gulf.

But I promised publicly to announce the results.

But what is there to examine about the Gulf war coverage?

For a start, the way reporters living with troops became partisan.

That's a load of ratners.

I feel an inquiry would be... An option well worth considering.

I agree, George. Yes! You have a good mull. Terrific.

Ah, running orders. Thank you, joy. That's very kind of you.

No, it isn't, it's what I'm underpaid to do.

So please don't make it worse by patronising me.

Oh, George, we should do something on this.

Heseltine's reporting back on the government's

environmental successes.

Right. How long should we allow for that?

Both: Five seconds?

Well, according to that party political,

we've got the cleanest water in Europe.

That's because we've got the most detergent in it.

You should deal with this, Dave.

Dave? Here we go.

Sally's on TV-am, plugging her new book. Yes!

Well, it's funny you should ask that,

cos I actually got the idea for the book

during a conversation with princess Diana.

All groan

hello, I'm ringing to complain about TV-am giving airtime

to that repulsive Sally smedley.

I do not pay my licence fee in order to listen

to some jumped-up fifth-rate newsreader

trying to sell me her book.

I have two children, and when Sally smedley came on,

one of them was sick and remained distressed the rest of the evening!

Afternoon, everyone!

Good afternoon, dostoevsky (!)

Ah, just because your biography's been turned down

by nine different publishers.

Only on legal grounds.

Once princess Margaret dies, there'll be no problem.

Did you enjoy simpering on those sofas?

It is very interesting, actually. Yes, I was particularly interested

when they asked if you'd employed a ghost-writer.

Well, it's very easy to snipe, Alex.

I don't suppose you've even read my book.

No, I haven't, Sally. Have you?

Oh, another ultimatum from bush.

Yes, Saddam's finished, really, isn't he?

Oh, yes, absolutely.

I mean, we blew his domestic opponents to bits in the trenches,

we enabled him to massacre the Shiites and the kurds,

we've made him a hero to arab fanatics,

and left him totally defenceless

apart from his best troops and a few h bombs.

She scoffs he's a broken man (!)

Fantastic! Well, how's it going, task force?

Nuking them before they nuke you? He chuckles

now, erm...

..I'd like to introduce Octavia. She'll be with us for a week.

She's very interested in TV journalism

and, coincidentally, happens to be the daughter

of our much-loved proprietor, sir royston.

Please, I just want to be treated like any other trainee.

I'm quite happy to make tea, run errands, whatever.

I'm sure that won't be necessary. Dave...

Dave, perhaps you could show Octavia round the command capsule?

Sure. Coffee?

Oh, by the way, nice item on yugoslavia last Friday.

I particularly liked the bullet-riddled pram.

Sorry I'm late, everybody.

I've been talking through the allegations about Maxwell

with the lawyers.

You know, I think they're frightened of him.

Every time I mention his name, they cross themselves.

George, I understand you've told Alex

to start this review of our Gulf coverage?

Yes, well, I did say publicly that we would...

Well, it's just I feel sir royston might be a smidgen upset

about the controversy potential.

And with his franchise bid up for consideration...

Actually, Gus, could we discuss this another time?

Only I've got rather a nasty migraine.

Been under a lot of stress.

George, that stress will only increase

when sir royston phones up and... look! I am sick

of being threatened by some bloated, philistine megalomaniac!

George, meet Octavia, sir royston's daughter.

So pack it in, Henry!

So then Henry said to denis Thatcher,

"listen, if I wasn't so pissed, I'd have had her myself."

You know, I'm not sure Dave is the best person

to be showing her around. Hmm.

I can see the headline now.

"Mogul closes news station after employee screws daughter."

Yes. Still, the stars' private lives are their own.

Perhaps we should send Dave on a holiday.

Anything else breaking, Alex?

Well, there's the boxing debate.

You know, is being bludgeoned remorselessly about the head

until you lose consciousness bad for you?

Oh, and Thatcher's attacking Europe tomorrow.

Right! 4:20, croc rock's on!

Come on, you're not gonna watch a kids programme, are you?

Where only watching it cos Sally's on.

Oh, great! It's Craig the crocodile.

Where did you get the idea for let's read the news?

Of all things, it was actually during a chat with princess Diana.

All groan

we were talking about children,

and I said what a good idea it would be

if someone could explain how we make the news.

And she thought it was a good idea?

Oh, yes. She said, "how fascinating!"

Aussie accent: Yeah, that's what she said to me when I met her.

You met her, Craig?

Yeah, we shared a couple of tinnies over the buck house Barbie!

He laughs did you?

Anyway, I said, "you know what, Diana...

Cos that's what she asked me to call her, Diana.

I said, "someone should show children

"that making the news isn't as easy as it seems."

Now, stop it, Craig, or we'll turn you into a handbag.

Craig blows raspberry

so, Sally, how did you start to write this book?

Easy! She called in a ghost-writer! No, I didn't, actually.

You mean you wrote this rubbish yourself?

No, I mean... bwargh!

You see, what I mean...

Giz a kiss! I'm sorry?

Giz a kiss!

Oh!

Don't be naughty, Craig!

Whoa, strewth, kids! She's a great snogger!

So, Sally, what's next in the pipeline?

Well, I, erm...

Thump oh, Jesus!

Well, I think we'd better take a break there. Let's, er...

Watch the latest Kylie video.

They applaud

bit of a PR nightmare.

Yes. Though we're always in safe hands with sir royston in charge.

What?

Oh.

Economic survey. Recession over.

Right, now, tomorrow, Ian mckellen's visiting number 10.

Surprised major's thinking of supporting the right to be gay.

He obviously just misheard. He supports the right to be grey.

Yes, very good.

Right. He clears his throat

now, Baker's going to say more about car crime today.

Now, that's something that should be sorted out.

All these bloody teenagers trying to prove they're macho on the roads.

You know, I had one yesterday

deliberately cut me off at the lights.

Did you get his number? No. Burnt the sucker off.

You know, Alex, my Porsche does 0-60...

In 6.8 seconds.

Yeah, well, he was pretty gobsmacked, actually. Yeah.

Especially when I did that handbrake turn into trafalgar square.

Another economic survey. Recession's getting worse.

Sorry I'm late. Daddy insisted on giving me a lift.

How are you?

Ah, joy. A cup of coffee would be wonderful.

Mmm, wouldn't it just (!)

Erm, look...

Are you happy working here? No.

Right. It's just, in many ways,

you're the most efficient pa we've ever had.

It just would be nice, sometimes,

if you made a bit of an effort to be more cheerful.

Very well, George. As I hand out the post,

I'll wear a whirly bowtie,

turn cartwheels and sing hits from south pacific. How's that?

George, George.

I'm increasingly worried about Octavia.

She seems very friendly with Dave.

And Dave's friendships do tend to... how shall I put this?

..Wander south of the bellybutton.

Yes, well, she's not our responsibility, is she?

True.

But I suspect if anything untoward happened to his little girl,

then sir royston would crush us.

Like a mammoth stepping on two dung beetles.

Anyway, I... i mustn't interfere.

I'm not here.

Anybody got anything they want to chip in

to this review of our Gulf coverage?

Yes. The way everyone lied to us.

Of course they lied, there was a war on.

But I did my best.

I know that my reports were fair, honest, and responsible.

I thought you'd say that.

And so, the war is over for these thousands of Iraqi troops

who are only too pleased to be taken prisoner.

The holes in their shoes and the terror in their eyes

tell of the terrible ordeal

that they have suffered for the last month.

They seemed amazed and grateful

when they were given water and a bar of chocolate

before surrendering to allied forces.

Undertrained and under...

Oh, for god's sake!

Oi!

Are you sure there aren't any more prisoners around here?

Well, everybody else managed to bloody capture some!

That's a disgrace.

Yes.

But I did get a usable take in the end.

Oh, look, come on.

I had to send in something. Oh!

And at least I didn't file my reports

from an air-conditioned hotel.

No, I was out there on the front line

with the flies and the bullets.

And the cormorants. What?

Nothing.

Look, I do hope this inquiry isn't going to be frankness-heavy.

Gus, it's going to be constructive.

I'm sure everybody will get something from it.

The sack, hopefully.

Phone rings

George dent.

Ah, sir roysten, hello.

Octavia? Yes, she seems very happy.

Today, she's shadowing the one o'clock team,

and tomorrow, it's the sex.

Six!

Then I'm going to send her up the stick library...

The stock library... To see how old film is conceived.

Conserved! Conserved.

So, as you can see, everything's fine.

Yes, I'm feeling perfectly all right, thank you.

He can be very rude sometimes, can't he?

Where was I?

I trust this report will include the fact

that I was the first British journalist into Kuwait.

The first one to pass out from alcohol poisoning.

Careful, dear boy! Cormorants.

What's he talking about, Damien?

Don't listen to him, George.

The dts, I expect. He's rambling.

Am I, indeed?

Do you remember that huge oil slick going past the Saudi coast?

Well, it wasn't going fast enough for our Damien,

which meant that he didn't have any heart-wrenching pictures

of oil-soaked sea birds.

So he got a barrel of oil...

Oh, no!

..And he started dunking cormorants!

And as for his tragic picture of dead fish on the shoreline,

it's not surprising they were dead.

There were trout from the hotel freezer!

Look, those were the pictures that you wanted,

and I delivered them. Just a few days early, that's all.

I am seriously shocked!

Sally's on her way up.

What? But I have to say, I'm deeply disturbed by...

We can't just shove it all under the carpet.

I mean, after all, we are a serious, professional...

Shh, shh! Morning, everyone.

All: Morning, Sally!

Ok, top story.

War in yugoslavia. Trouble with this,

it's so complicated to get across to the viewer.

Nonsense, it's perfectly clear to me.

Oh, right.

Well, what's your opinion, Sally?

Do you think that the serbs will attack Bosnia-Herzegovina?

Quite possibly.

Yes, but where does that leave ruritania?

Well, that's the big question, isn't it?

Well, personally, I think ruritania will merge with inertia, malaria,

beatlemania and upper hernia. What do you think, sal?

Well, I...

Dave laughs

right, who wants a video of Sally being humiliated by a crocodile?

Dave?

I've thrown in George best pissed on wogan,

and all the best bits out of that sex education video.

Could I have a word?

Dave...

You seem to be getting on very well with, er, Octavia.

Yes? Yes.

I suppose you're not, er...

You and her, you haven't, er...

..Gone out to the cinema?

We went to see a film, yes. What is this, George?

Nothing, it's...

It's just with her being sir roysten's daughter,

I was wondering about your intentions.

Oh, you mean sex.

It's just I don't think sir roysten would like it.

Well, sir roysten wouldn't be getting it.

You're serious, aren't you?

Listen, George, it's nobody's business

what's between Octavia and me.

Yes, yes, you're right. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have mentioned it.

It's just there are all these stories

about how sir roysten's so desperately overprotective.

Oh, I see. What sort of stories, exactly?

Well, somebody was telling me about this guy

who was seeing a lot of his other daughter,

and he got him fired, then he put him on a blacklist

so he couldn't work again, and destroyed his life, basically.

Just for seeing a lot of his daughter?

Yes.

Poor guy committed suicide, apparently.

Still, you're absolutely right, Dave.

It's nobody's business but your own.

Er, yeah. Laughs nervously

cheers, George.

Magnificent, George!

I didn't know you had it in you. You played him like a master.

How do you mean?

You old fox!

George, now, I'm not one to complain,

but the behaviour of the staff here is pathetic and infantile,

and I want you to do something about it.

Australian accent: Absolutely!

Grow up. Australian accent: Yeah, grow up!

It's like working at broadmoor.

Mocking laughter

have you got those tickets for that Julie Walters film tonight, Dave?

Ah, erm... actually, I can't make it tonight.

Oh? Why?

I'm, erm...

I'm washing my curtains.

Oh.

Right.

George.

I've just finished reading Alex's report.

Yes, very stimulating, isn't it?

Yes. I was particularly stimulated by the passage which implies

that the government used us as a propaganda tool

to exaggerate the military strength of the Iraqis.

Yes, erm... has sir roysten seen the report?

Oh, yes. He says it's just what we need.

Really? Yes. I think his exact words were,

"just what we bloody well need right now."

He made a suggestion, which I'll stick in your toaster

to see what pops up.

He wondered if we should keep it... internal.

No, I promised this report would be made public,

and it will be.

Fair enough, coach. I understand your position.

I'm sure sir roysten will when you explain it to him.

Explain it?

Well, he gave me the firm impression he'd be ringing you for a chat.

Alex.

Jackie Mann, raf lyneham.

Look, we don't want to pester him.

Absolutely, we'll film from some bushes

with a telescopic lens.

That way, we won't bother him.

How about tonight, then?

Erm, no, no. I... I can't make it tonight, ok?

What, again? Yes, I'm, erm...

Shampooing my cushion covers, all right?

Well, it looks like the thing between Dave and Octavia's over.

Yes, good thing, too. Absolutely.

Hmm, leaves the field open for me.

Everyone shouting

going public with this report is pointless.

No-one's interested in this carping.

The war's over. It was a complete success.

Oh, yeah, cos the region's really stable now, isn't it (?)

And the criticisms of the reporting are unfair.

Henry scoffs yeah, and why was there no mention

of the special reports from Jordan,

just so that some old has-been could get a drink?

I will not be slandered by a cormorant-dunker!

Right, all right, all right.

Look, we have to go public with this report.

George promised that we would. Yes.

And George sticks to his guns. Has sir roysten rang you yet?

No. Back in a tick.

What?

Irritable bowel syndrome.

Sally's on!

'Sally, you actually got the idea'

from talking to princess Diana.

Yes, that's right. Fantastic.

Now, sal, you said you were a fan of the programme.

Oh, yes. I never miss it.

So, you'll know what happens next? Yes.

What is it, kids? It's...

Kids: The gunge plunge!

All: The gunge plunge!

The gunge plunge.

That's right. That's when we dunk you in gunk.

Ah, no, you see, I don't think anyone actually mentioned...

If you'll just come with me, sal. Cheering

you know, there is just the odd moment

that makes life worth living.

Thanks for being such a good sport, sal, and taking the plunge.

Screaming

cheering

George, you've just missed a very special moment, mate.

George, two messages.

Your wife rang and said, "can you pick up the dry-cleaning?"

And sir roysten rang and said he's going to hack you

into tiny pieces and feed you to his rottweilers.

He's ringing you back.

Thank you, joy. Right.

George, this report... I still want it published.

Oh, absolutely. I was just wondering about a little postponement.

As long as it still gets published. Oh, quite.

Shall we say, January 1993?

Yes, that sounds about right. Phone rings

Australian accent: Hello, Craig the crocodile speaking!

Er, yes, sir roysten, I'll, er...

George.

Ah, sir roysten.

Look, if it's about the report, I can explain.

Yes, we...

Yes, but...

Yes, but I...

The report?

No. Dave.

Oh, my god, what's he done?

Not enough, apparently.

Sir roysten wants to know why a member of my staff

has upset his daughter by cold-shouldering her.

Ah, well, that's what you get for interfering, George.

Dave? Are you doing anything tonight?

Yeah. Cancel it. Oh, hello.

Yes, I'd like to book a table for two, please.

Damien: Anything new?

Alex: Er, miners rioting in Romania.

Kenneth Baker will probably blame the parents.

Well, I could go there. Tension increases in Iraq.

I could go there. More on McCarthy.

Incidentally, Damien, I've had a complaint about you

at the McCarthy-Jill Morell press conference.

Yes, a heart-warming, tender story, wasn't it?

Did you or did you not ask them to snog for the cameras?

Well, you should have heard what the man from the sun

asked them to do! Oh, Jackie Mann at raf lyneham.

I could go there. I don't think so.

Well, there must be something. Oh, what's this?

Radiation scare at sellafield.

Oh, yes, you could go there.

Yeah, very funny, Alex.

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