All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s02e01 The Gulf Report.eng

And now...

This episode was first
shown in September 1991,

in a week when hostage
Jackie Mann returned home,

and the west threatened
to resume war with Iraq.

Now, then, there's more speculation
about the election date.

Oh, god, not again!

Please, George, this is a non-story.

Well, we've got to cover it somehow.

How about this?

"Bong. November considered more likely

"since John Major seen
disembowelling a chicken."

"Bong. 28 more opinion polls show

"if labour had a naked Kim
basinger as its leader,

"they would be ahead by 14 points."

Thank you, Henry (!)

Well, maybe we should do something
on all these polls that show

the people won't vote for kinnock
because he's regarded as a windbag.

Has kinnock responded?

Er, yeah, we got a statement from him.

Very funny, David (!)

Morning, newsbusters. Are we
on turbo thrust? I hope so.

Now, I'd like to play you all this
vhs that I recorded at the weekend.

Actually, Gus...

I think it might prove
very educational.

Welcome back. Last week, this book,
a Gulf of understanding, came out,

severely criticising
British television's

news coverage of the Gulf war.

With me in the studio to
answer some of the criticisms

is the news editor of
globelink, George dent.

Mr dent. "Sloppy,
ill-informed, sensationalist,

"biased, irrelevant and hopelessly
lacking in objectivity."

These are just some of
the words this book uses

to describe your news coverage.
What's your reaction to that?

As you know, Emma,

news coverage is a difficult business.

So you're saying low
standards are inevitable?

Well, no. Er...

To be specific, this
book mentions the hours

where no news was available,

which you filled with "idle
speculation and waffle".

I think that's... yes.

It's true, there is a danger
in too much speculation

and, obviously, we were
careful to avoid that.

I understand globelink employed
five different generals

over the Gulf war period.

Obviously, we're not saying
our coverage was perfect.

There were mistakes.

So, presumably, you've started an
inquiry into your Gulf coverage?

Yes.

Yes, one is going to be
carried out quite soon.

And I assume its findings
will be made public?

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Thank you, mr dent. And we'll
look forward to that report.

I think George could have been
spared that, don't you, Gus?

Why the hell did you agree
to an inquiry like that?

Yes, chief, you did seem to let
a few scuds past your patriots.

Well, it wasn't my fault! She was
all chatty before the interview.

Then she suddenly came at me with
all these difficult questions.

Difficult questions? Nonsense.
That was sissy stuff.

I'd have humiliated you, George.

She did humiliate him.

I suppose she did all
right for a popsy.

At least it wasn't one of those
downy-cheeked adolescent smoothies.

God, Paxman, suchet!
When I was their age,

I was spending three
days hiding in a brothel

playing catch with live hand grenades

and drinking vintage champagne from
a vietnamese belly dancer's navel.

Yes, well, not everybody
had the Vietnam war...

This wasn't Vietnam. This was
a stag party in catford.

Amazing!

It's amazing, some of the things she
could pick up using only her...

I don't think we want to know. I do!

Amazing, some of the
things I picked up.

Thank god for Alexander Fleming, eh?

Thank you, Henry (!)

I did my best during that interview.

Well, I think announcing an inquiry
is an excellent idea. Do you?

Certainly! Provided, of
course, we don't hold one.

Especially with the prospect of
our boys going back to the Gulf.

But I promised publicly
to announce the results.

But what is there to examine
about the Gulf war coverage?

For a start, the way reporters
living with troops became partisan.

That's a load of ratners.

I feel an inquiry would be... An
option well worth considering.

I agree, George. Yes! You
have a good mull. Terrific.

Ah, running orders. Thank you, joy.
That's very kind of you.

No, it isn't, it's what
I'm underpaid to do.

So please don't make it
worse by patronising me.

Oh, George, we should
do something on this.

Heseltine's reporting
back on the government's

environmental successes.

Right. How long should
we allow for that?

Both: Five seconds?

Well, according to
that party political,

we've got the cleanest water in Europe.

That's because we've got
the most detergent in it.

You should deal with this, Dave.

Dave? Here we go.

Sally's on TV-am, plugging
her new book. Yes!

Well, it's funny you should ask that,

cos I actually got the
idea for the book

during a conversation
with princess Diana.

All groan

hello, I'm ringing to complain
about TV-am giving airtime

to that repulsive Sally smedley.

I do not pay my licence
fee in order to listen

to some jumped-up fifth-rate newsreader

trying to sell me her book.

I have two children, and
when Sally smedley came on,

one of them was sick and remained
distressed the rest of the evening!

Afternoon, everyone!

Good afternoon, dostoevsky (!)

Ah, just because your
biography's been turned down

by nine different publishers.

Only on legal grounds.

Once princess Margaret dies,
there'll be no problem.

Did you enjoy simpering on those sofas?

It is very interesting, actually.
Yes, I was particularly interested

when they asked if you'd
employed a ghost-writer.

Well, it's very easy to snipe, Alex.

I don't suppose you've
even read my book.

No, I haven't, Sally. Have you?

Oh, another ultimatum from bush.

Yes, Saddam's finished,
really, isn't he?

Oh, yes, absolutely.

I mean, we blew his domestic
opponents to bits in the trenches,

we enabled him to massacre
the Shiites and the kurds,

we've made him a hero to arab fanatics,

and left him totally defenceless

apart from his best
troops and a few h bombs.

She scoffs he's a broken man (!)

Fantastic! Well, how's
it going, task force?

Nuking them before they nuke you?
He chuckles

now, erm...

..I'd like to introduce Octavia.
She'll be with us for a week.

She's very interested in TV journalism

and, coincidentally,
happens to be the daughter

of our much-loved
proprietor, sir royston.

Please, I just want to be
treated like any other trainee.

I'm quite happy to make
tea, run errands, whatever.

I'm sure that won't be necessary.
Dave...

Dave, perhaps you could show
Octavia round the command capsule?

Sure. Coffee?

Oh, by the way, nice item
on yugoslavia last Friday.

I particularly liked the
bullet-riddled pram.

Sorry I'm late, everybody.

I've been talking through the
allegations about Maxwell

with the lawyers.

You know, I think they're
frightened of him.

Every time I mention his
name, they cross themselves.

George, I understand you've told Alex

to start this review
of our Gulf coverage?

Yes, well, I did say
publicly that we would...

Well, it's just I feel sir
royston might be a smidgen upset

about the controversy potential.

And with his franchise bid
up for consideration...

Actually, Gus, could we
discuss this another time?

Only I've got rather a nasty migraine.

Been under a lot of stress.

George, that stress will only increase

when sir royston phones up and...
look! I am sick

of being threatened by some
bloated, philistine megalomaniac!

George, meet Octavia,
sir royston's daughter.

So pack it in, Henry!

So then Henry said to denis Thatcher,

"listen, if I wasn't so pissed,
I'd have had her myself."

You know, I'm not sure
Dave is the best person

to be showing her around. Hmm.

I can see the headline now.

"Mogul closes news station after
employee screws daughter."

Yes. Still, the stars'
private lives are their own.

Perhaps we should send
Dave on a holiday.

Anything else breaking, Alex?

Well, there's the boxing debate.

You know, is being bludgeoned
remorselessly about the head

until you lose
consciousness bad for you?

Oh, and Thatcher's
attacking Europe tomorrow.

Right! 4:20, croc rock's on!

Come on, you're not gonna watch
a kids programme, are you?

Where only watching it cos Sally's on.

Oh, great! It's Craig the crocodile.

Where did you get the idea
for let's read the news?

Of all things, it was actually
during a chat with princess Diana.

All groan

we were talking about children,

and I said what a good idea it would be

if someone could explain
how we make the news.

And she thought it was a good idea?

Oh, yes. She said, "how fascinating!"

Aussie accent: Yeah, that's what
she said to me when I met her.

You met her, Craig?

Yeah, we shared a couple of tinnies
over the buck house Barbie!

He laughs did you?

Anyway, I said, "you
know what, Diana...

Cos that's what she asked
me to call her, Diana.

I said, "someone should show children

"that making the news isn't
as easy as it seems."

Now, stop it, Craig, or we'll
turn you into a handbag.

Craig blows raspberry

so, Sally, how did you
start to write this book?

Easy! She called in a ghost-writer!
No, I didn't, actually.

You mean you wrote
this rubbish yourself?

No, I mean... bwargh!

You see, what I mean...

Giz a kiss! I'm sorry?

Giz a kiss!

Oh!

Don't be naughty, Craig!

Whoa, strewth, kids!
She's a great snogger!

So, Sally, what's next in the pipeline?

Well, I, erm...

Thump oh, Jesus!

Well, I think we'd better take
a break there. Let's, er...

Watch the latest Kylie video.

They applaud

bit of a PR nightmare.

Yes. Though we're always in safe
hands with sir royston in charge.

What?

Oh.

Economic survey. Recession over.

Right, now, tomorrow, Ian
mckellen's visiting number 10.

Surprised major's thinking of
supporting the right to be gay.

He obviously just misheard. He
supports the right to be grey.

Yes, very good.

Right. He clears his throat

now, Baker's going to say
more about car crime today.

Now, that's something that
should be sorted out.

All these bloody teenagers trying to
prove they're macho on the roads.

You know, I had one yesterday

deliberately cut me off at the lights.

Did you get his number? No.
Burnt the sucker off.

You know, Alex, my Porsche does 0-60...

In 6.8 seconds.

Yeah, well, he was pretty
gobsmacked, actually. Yeah.

Especially when I did that handbrake
turn into trafalgar square.

Another economic survey.
Recession's getting worse.

Sorry I'm late. Daddy
insisted on giving me a lift.

How are you?

Ah, joy. A cup of coffee
would be wonderful.

Mmm, wouldn't it just (!)

Erm, look...

Are you happy working here? No.

Right. It's just, in many ways,

you're the most efficient
pa we've ever had.

It just would be nice, sometimes,

if you made a bit of an
effort to be more cheerful.

Very well, George. As
I hand out the post,

I'll wear a whirly bowtie,

turn cartwheels and sing hits
from south pacific. How's that?

George, George.

I'm increasingly worried about Octavia.

She seems very friendly with Dave.

And Dave's friendships do tend to...
how shall I put this?

..Wander south of the bellybutton.

Yes, well, she's not our
responsibility, is she?

True.

But I suspect if anything untoward
happened to his little girl,

then sir royston would crush us.

Like a mammoth stepping
on two dung beetles.

Anyway, I... i mustn't interfere.

I'm not here.

Anybody got anything
they want to chip in

to this review of our Gulf coverage?

Yes. The way everyone lied to us.

Of course they lied,
there was a war on.

But I did my best.

I know that my reports were
fair, honest, and responsible.

I thought you'd say that.

And so, the war is over for
these thousands of Iraqi troops

who are only too pleased
to be taken prisoner.

The holes in their shoes and
the terror in their eyes

tell of the terrible ordeal

that they have suffered
for the last month.

They seemed amazed and grateful

when they were given water
and a bar of chocolate

before surrendering to allied forces.

Undertrained and under...

Oh, for god's sake!

Oi!

Are you sure there aren't any
more prisoners around here?

Well, everybody else managed
to bloody capture some!

That's a disgrace.

Yes.

But I did get a usable take in the end.

Oh, look, come on.

I had to send in something. Oh!

And at least I didn't file my reports

from an air-conditioned hotel.

No, I was out there on the front line

with the flies and the bullets.

And the cormorants. What?

Nothing.

Look, I do hope this inquiry isn't
going to be frankness-heavy.

Gus, it's going to be constructive.

I'm sure everybody will
get something from it.

The sack, hopefully.

Phone rings

George dent.

Ah, sir roysten, hello.

Octavia? Yes, she seems very happy.

Today, she's shadowing
the one o'clock team,

and tomorrow, it's the sex.

Six!

Then I'm going to send her
up the stick library...

The stock library... To see
how old film is conceived.

Conserved! Conserved.

So, as you can see, everything's fine.

Yes, I'm feeling perfectly
all right, thank you.

He can be very rude
sometimes, can't he?

Where was I?

I trust this report
will include the fact

that I was the first British
journalist into Kuwait.

The first one to pass out
from alcohol poisoning.

Careful, dear boy! Cormorants.

What's he talking about, Damien?

Don't listen to him, George.

The dts, I expect. He's rambling.

Am I, indeed?

Do you remember that huge oil
slick going past the Saudi coast?

Well, it wasn't going fast
enough for our Damien,

which meant that he didn't have
any heart-wrenching pictures

of oil-soaked sea birds.

So he got a barrel of oil...

Oh, no!

..And he started dunking cormorants!

And as for his tragic picture
of dead fish on the shoreline,

it's not surprising they were dead.

There were trout from
the hotel freezer!

Look, those were the
pictures that you wanted,

and I delivered them. Just a
few days early, that's all.

I am seriously shocked!

Sally's on her way up.

What? But I have to say,
I'm deeply disturbed by...

We can't just shove it
all under the carpet.

I mean, after all, we are a
serious, professional...

Shh, shh! Morning, everyone.

All: Morning, Sally!

Ok, top story.

War in yugoslavia. Trouble with this,

it's so complicated to get
across to the viewer.

Nonsense, it's perfectly clear to me.

Oh, right.

Well, what's your opinion, Sally?

Do you think that the serbs
will attack Bosnia-Herzegovina?

Quite possibly.

Yes, but where does
that leave ruritania?

Well, that's the big
question, isn't it?

Well, personally, I think ruritania
will merge with inertia, malaria,

beatlemania and upper hernia.
What do you think, sal?

Well, I...

Dave laughs

right, who wants a video of Sally
being humiliated by a crocodile?

Dave?

I've thrown in George
best pissed on wogan,

and all the best bits out of
that sex education video.

Could I have a word?

Dave...

You seem to be getting on
very well with, er, Octavia.

Yes? Yes.

I suppose you're not, er...

You and her, you haven't, er...

..Gone out to the cinema?

We went to see a film, yes.
What is this, George?

Nothing, it's...

It's just with her being
sir roysten's daughter,

I was wondering about your intentions.

Oh, you mean sex.

It's just I don't think sir
roysten would like it.

Well, sir roysten
wouldn't be getting it.

You're serious, aren't you?

Listen, George, it's nobody's business

what's between Octavia and me.

Yes, yes, you're right. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have mentioned it.

It's just there are all these stories

about how sir roysten's so
desperately overprotective.

Oh, I see. What sort
of stories, exactly?

Well, somebody was telling
me about this guy

who was seeing a lot
of his other daughter,

and he got him fired, then
he put him on a blacklist

so he couldn't work again, and
destroyed his life, basically.

Just for seeing a lot of his daughter?

Yes.

Poor guy committed suicide, apparently.

Still, you're absolutely right, Dave.

It's nobody's business but your own.

Er, yeah. Laughs nervously

cheers, George.

Magnificent, George!

I didn't know you had it in you.
You played him like a master.

How do you mean?

You old fox!

George, now, I'm not one to complain,

but the behaviour of the staff
here is pathetic and infantile,

and I want you to do
something about it.

Australian accent: Absolutely!

Grow up. Australian
accent: Yeah, grow up!

It's like working at broadmoor.

Mocking laughter

have you got those tickets for that
Julie Walters film tonight, Dave?

Ah, erm... actually, I
can't make it tonight.

Oh? Why?

I'm, erm...

I'm washing my curtains.

Oh.

Right.

George.

I've just finished
reading Alex's report.

Yes, very stimulating, isn't it?

Yes. I was particularly stimulated
by the passage which implies

that the government used
us as a propaganda tool

to exaggerate the military
strength of the Iraqis.

Yes, erm... has sir
roysten seen the report?

Oh, yes. He says it's
just what we need.

Really? Yes. I think
his exact words were,

"just what we bloody
well need right now."

He made a suggestion, which
I'll stick in your toaster

to see what pops up.

He wondered if we should keep it...
internal.

No, I promised this report
would be made public,

and it will be.

Fair enough, coach. I
understand your position.

I'm sure sir roysten will
when you explain it to him.

Explain it?

Well, he gave me the firm impression
he'd be ringing you for a chat.

Alex.

Jackie Mann, raf lyneham.

Look, we don't want to pester him.

Absolutely, we'll film from some bushes

with a telescopic lens.

That way, we won't bother him.

How about tonight, then?

Erm, no, no. I... I can't
make it tonight, ok?

What, again? Yes, I'm, erm...

Shampooing my cushion
covers, all right?

Well, it looks like the thing
between Dave and Octavia's over.

Yes, good thing, too. Absolutely.

Hmm, leaves the field open for me.

Everyone shouting

going public with this
report is pointless.

No-one's interested in this carping.

The war's over. It was
a complete success.

Oh, yeah, cos the region's
really stable now, isn't it (?)

And the criticisms of the
reporting are unfair.

Henry scoffs yeah, and
why was there no mention

of the special reports from Jordan,

just so that some old
has-been could get a drink?

I will not be slandered
by a cormorant-dunker!

Right, all right, all right.

Look, we have to go
public with this report.

George promised that we would. Yes.

And George sticks to his guns.
Has sir roysten rang you yet?

No. Back in a tick.

What?

Irritable bowel syndrome.

Sally's on!

'Sally, you actually got the idea'

from talking to princess Diana.

Yes, that's right. Fantastic.

Now, sal, you said you were
a fan of the programme.

Oh, yes. I never miss it.

So, you'll know what happens next? Yes.

What is it, kids? It's...

Kids: The gunge plunge!

All: The gunge plunge!

The gunge plunge.

That's right. That's when
we dunk you in gunk.

Ah, no, you see, I don't think
anyone actually mentioned...

If you'll just come with me, sal.
Cheering

you know, there is just the odd moment

that makes life worth living.

Thanks for being such a good
sport, sal, and taking the plunge.

Screaming

cheering

George, you've just missed a
very special moment, mate.

George, two messages.

Your wife rang and said, "can
you pick up the dry-cleaning?"

And sir roysten rang and
said he's going to hack you

into tiny pieces and feed
you to his rottweilers.

He's ringing you back.

Thank you, joy. Right.

George, this report... I
still want it published.

Oh, absolutely. I was just wondering
about a little postponement.

As long as it still gets published.
Oh, quite.

Shall we say, January 1993?

Yes, that sounds about right.
Phone rings

Australian accent: Hello,
Craig the crocodile speaking!

Er, yes, sir roysten, I'll, er...

George.

Ah, sir roysten.

Look, if it's about the
report, I can explain.

Yes, we...

Yes, but...

Yes, but I...

The report?

No. Dave.

Oh, my god, what's he done?

Not enough, apparently.

Sir roysten wants to know
why a member of my staff

has upset his daughter
by cold-shouldering her.

Ah, well, that's what you get
for interfering, George.

Dave? Are you doing anything tonight?

Yeah. Cancel it. Oh, hello.

Yes, I'd like to book a
table for two, please.

Damien: Anything new?

Alex: Er, miners rioting in Romania.

Kenneth Baker will probably
blame the parents.

Well, I could go there.
Tension increases in Iraq.

I could go there. More on McCarthy.

Incidentally, Damien, I've
had a complaint about you

at the McCarthy-Jill
Morell press conference.

Yes, a heart-warming,
tender story, wasn't it?

Did you or did you not ask
them to snog for the cameras?

Well, you should have heard
what the man from the sun

asked them to do! Oh,
Jackie Mann at raf lyneham.

I could go there. I don't think so.

Well, there must be something.
Oh, what's this?

Radiation scare at sellafield.

Oh, yes, you could go there.

Yeah, very funny, Alex.

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