Original subtitles

'And now, drop the dead donkey.

'This episode was first shown in a week when Israeli soldiers

'killed 21 palestinians on the temple mount in Jerusalem.

'When the tories held their conference

'and when Britain finally joined the exchange rate mechanism.'

all right, so I made one tiny error of judgement.

One tiny error of judgement, what about the footage of the riot?

It was highly sensationalist.

Look, George, my job is to cover the story

and the story was that a mob of muslims were attacking a panda car.

They were attacking a panda car because someone had written,

"long live salman rushdie" on the back window.

Don't look at me.

This cynical, manipulative behaviour is unacceptable, Damien.

And this time, I am doing something about it.

Yeah, like what? Like firing you.

If I come across any more examples of this kind of behaviour.

Yes, well, I'm sure that if you do, that Gus will back you up.

And, of course, sir royston.

And I'm sure that the survey showing me as our most popular reporter

who delivers the sexiest footage, won't affect their judgement.

Get real, will you?

Oh, you've certainly got him scared, George.

Could you just talk me through what we can expect

on the first day of the conference?

Well, basically, it'll kick off with a speech from Kenneth Baker

and then the first debate will begin.

That'll be the usual speakers from the floor.

Self-made businessman from the north who'll begin his speech,

northern accent: "I am a working class conservative..."

A 17-year-old prepubescent rat, dressed like a bank manager,

who'll begin his, "I'm a young person..."

An Asian shopkeeper who speaks nicely

and a tight-arsed housewife from basildon

who's prepared to hang muggers personally

and wants to bid for the franchise.

Oh, and then it's out into the lobby

where we'll interview four rent-a-quote mps

who'll all say that the debate was so magnificent

that they had orgasms throughout.

Thank you, Alex.

My pleasure. Listen, I need a coffee, do you want some?

Not for me, thank you.

Morning. Morning.

Thud

don't mind me.

? Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high... ?

Excuse me? Excuse me?

What exactly are you, er..?

The electrics. Your boss hedges called me in to do the electrics.

I see.

? There's a price on the thingy where is the junction box? ?

Do you mind not singing? Only, I'm trying to work, you see?

Sorry.

He whistles somewhere over the rainbow

look, do you think you could possibly do this at some other time?

Look, I've gotta get a crack on if I'm gonna get the rewiring done

and get your sign up in time.

Sign?

The big neon sign your boss wants over the front door

saying globelink news.

It's gotta be done by Thursday. I see.

Yeah, in time for the Prime Minister's visit.

What?

Well, the prime minister's visit.

She's coming here on Thursday to do an interview.

I'd have thought you'd have known that.

So would I.

George, there's more from the massacre on the mount.

The Israeli's are holding an enquiry, apparently.

Yeah, that's right.

It's a very serious crime under Israeli law,

shooting palestinians out of season.

If you've got... George! How are things?

Actually, Gus, I wanted...

George, George, I have some great news.

I've already heard. From an electrician.

Would you excuse us a second?

Isn't it marvellous, George?

Sir royston was at an industrialists against famine lunch

and he persuaded the pm to give us an exclusive one-hour interview

this Thursday. Yes, but...

Luckily, she had a window in her conference diary.

So, she's jumping into sir royston's helicopter,

flying up from bournemouth, to give us an exclusive interview.

Isn't it fantastic?

Right, well, I better tell Henry to start preparing for it.

Well, er, actually, sir royston said,

the pm's office did express a preference for Sally.

Sally?!

Yes, you know, woman to woman. The intimate approach.

They'd like Sally to do the interview as they think...

They think it would make the Prime Minister look... human.

Well, anyone looks human next to Sally.

Yes, well, as I understand it from sir royston,

the pm is prepared to open up and talk about her private life.

Oh, god, I can hear it now.

Childhood memories of how she wept bitterly

every time one of her pet piranha died.

Oh, Gus, Sally can't handle an interview with the pm.

Yes, I agree. It has to be Henry.

Well, your decision, George. You're in charge.

Although if you do take that approach, I feel there could be

a question mark over the interview taking place.

That's blackmail.

Yes, but I feel we could outflank them here by giving in to it.

This interview could be a big boost.

And, right now, we could do with a couple of touchdown passes.

As sir royston pointed out to me the other day, at some length,

while we were in his limo stuck in traffic outside a job centre.

Look, I still say... Oh, for heaven's sake!

He laughs

er, Henry might not want to do the interview with mrs Thatcher.

He might be more reasonable than you think.

The bitch said what?! Vengeful cow!

Just because I asked her about the bloody belgrano that time!

Henry.

Fancy asking for old sawdust brain. I only mentioned...

She'd have her tongue so far up the prime ministerial back passage,

you'd only see the soles of her shoes!

I'm not standing for this!

Shall we take that as a maybe?

God, why me? I don't know what to do.

George, we mustn't give way on this.

No, I suppose not.

On the other hand, maybe we're being unfair.

I mean, maybe Sally's more of a heavyweight political interviewer

than we realise.

Say what you like about Cecil Parkinson's policies,

he does wear nice suits.

It's a very delicate situation.

We have to weigh up all the pros and cons.

On the one hand, if we give it to Henry, we may not get the interview.

If we give it to Sally, well, then...

Where's all this fish come from?

You want some?

What is this? It's a trout.

Gotta contact at billingsgate, so I'm getting all this lot

at half shop prices. Got a couple left, if you're interested?

It may have escaped your notice, but this is a newsroom,

not a fish stall. Now, listen...

Got my order? Yeah.

Great. What else have you got coming in?

I should have some fresh lobster soon.

Oh, great. Put me down for one.

Dave... George. What now?

Gerry gower is on his way up. Who?

Pm's media advisor.

He says Gus suggested he drop by.

Why does no-one ever tell me anything around this bloody...

George dent? Yes.

Gerry gower, Gus said you'd be expecting me.

Keep working on it.

We're doing a feature on pollution in the north sea.

Then I'm confident it'll reflect the massive improvement

this government's made.

I understand you've got the boss coming in on Thursday

for a bit of the old third degree.

I wouldn't say our interview technique was like that.

No. But hers is.

I came to confirm a few details.

Oh, well, perhaps we should do this in your... in my office.

Erm, before she comes here,

we've found her a nice school for the handicapped to visit.

Where she can hug some of the more photogenic ones.

If we find any. That's just round the corner

and she's scheduled to finish about 5:30.

So she'll be with us around six?

No, 6:30.

She'll spontaneously decide to spend more time with the youngsters.

Now, the interview...

Obviously, ask her absolutely anything.

Only if you were to talk less about politics

and more about her private side, I believe she might be impelled

to make some exclusive, newsworthy revelations.

Besides, with Sally smedley doing the interview,

it might be wise to avoid some of the heavier issues.

While I respect and admire her immensely

as a talented professional,

she does make a bucket of pig shit look like a member of mensa.

I'm not sure that's entirely fair.

Oh, I think it is.

Which is why, of course, she won't be doing the interview.

Will she, George? Er, well...

That's not what I was led to understand.

I should warn you, the pm's schedule can suddenly become very full

at very short notice.

But I'm sure that won't be a problem,

as Sally's doing the interview.

Or Henry.

I'm sure the Prime Minister welcomes intelligent questions

putting the other point of view.

He chuckles

oh, must tell that one to the chaps back at the office.

Until you've sorted yourselves out, I won't waste any more of your time.

Or mine. Have a nice day.

Everything will be absolutely fine, Gerry.

Door slams we never agreed on Sally.

Er, not strictly speaking.

Not speaking anyhow, unless we did it accidentally in Lithuanian.

Well, you go with Henry as interviewer, if you want.

You're calling the plays from the huddle.

You're the professionals and I respect your...

He shouts: Sod it!

If this interview doesn't go ahead, we'll all get fired.

So you damn well decide what you like.

Door slams

Jesus, that's amazing. He just said what he means.

God, he must be under incredible pressure.

He's probably worried sir royston's gonna get heavy about this.

Yes.

You don't think sir royston will get heavy about this, do you?

George, it's got to be Henry.

Excuse me, love? Don't call me, "love".

Sorry, darling, can you shove over a bit?

Dear, oh, dear. I reckon this lot dates back to ethelred the unready.

Yes, actually... all your wiring's buggered.

If you ask me, the plumbing looks knackered, too.

And you've got stress fractures in your beams.

In fact, I reckon the only thing keeping this building up

is the woodworm holding hands.

George, promise me you won't cave in over this interview business.

Listen, Alex, I am not going to cave in, ok?

I am an experienced news editor,

I am used to dealing with pressure situations

and I am not going to be intimidated, all right?

All right.

Phone rings

yes? Oh, hello, sir royston.

Absolutely, I think Sally is the perfect choice

for this interview as well.

Nope. No problem.

Who was that? Wrong number.

Uh, these terrible stomach pains. Wish I knew what it was.

It's probably sir royston-a-phobia.

Key symptoms of this disease include turning to jelly

at the sound of sir royston's voice.

Well, I think I've got something.

Do you realise, that when I wake up some mornings,

as soon as I think about coming to the office, I throw up.

That's normal, George, everybody here throws up

at the thought of you coming into the office.

Morning, Henry. Piss off, Judas.

Do think we could all make a start?

Now, what about the European common currency?

Sounds horrendous, doesn't it?

The ecu, I wonder what the coin will look like?

It'll probably have Jacques delors' head on one side

and Helmut kohl's arse on the other.

I see bush is still having trouble getting his budget through.

Looks like all Reagan's deficit spending

is finally coming home to roost.

Impersonates Reagan: Gee, George, I just put it all down

on the credit card.

Right, team, now, are we all geared for this pm's visit?

I want all the, er, doors oiled and the desks polished.

Oh, pride and professionalism.

We have to look, sleep, breathe, smell professional.

Oh, and, by the way, our pot plants aren't in flower.

We need to get some that are.

Gus, this is the Prime Minister visiting us, not Jesus Christ.

Exactly.

Now, what if while she's here, she needs to go to the toilet?

Surely she doesn't need to do that.

We need to give her the key to the executive washroom. Yes, we shall.

Pride, professionalism and efficiency.

Do you realise, that at a certain royal naval establishment,

someone followed the Duke of Edinburgh into the bog

and bottled one of his movements?

It's true. Used to keep it in a jar of formaldehyde above the bar.

Is this strictly relevant?

No, I just thought it was interesting.

Can we get on?

Someone actually fished out the Duke of Edinburgh's... please!

Mouths: Can we get on?

We are talking about vitally important things here.

Now, I want the litter bins empty

and no half-eaten Mars bars on the desk.

Course they used to take it down whenever he visited...

Shut... mouths: Up!

I've been thinking about the actual interview.

Good, now that's good.

Could we find out in advance what the pm will have on?

So I can work out what colour outfit best matches.

Let's do that. Let's get onto that now.

I don't suppose anybody's thought of the actual questions

we're going to be asking her.

I did have one idea.

If we call it, "Sally meets Margaret."

Stress the informality.

What about, "the sal and madge show"?

What sort of chair do you think I should have?

One we can plug in.

Oh! Henry!

We are losing time.

Let's move on, move up, move out and kick ass!

Let's not let sir royston down.

Let's remember the word of the week.

Pride. Professionalism. Efficiency.

Keenness, teamwork and no cock ups. Yeah!

Do you think he's cracking up?

Let's hope so.

Now, Parkinson's speech,

apparently, is going to be all about civilising the car.

Jesus wept! I mean, who writes these catchphrases?

How do you civilise a car, teach it Latin?

Yeah, does seem rather stupid to be investing more in our roads.

Yeah, it is stupid, innit? About as stupid as this wiring.

Would you mind not barging in as if you own this place?

Ooh, sorry.

Phone rings

hello? Yeah. Yeah, all right, I'll tell him.

A mr gower.

He says, "any questions about how the Tory party's funded,

"she's out the door."

Boy imitates car horn

psst.

Thud

ow! Argh!

The hopeless misery of this abandoned orphan

is just one of the sad symptoms of this small, but brutal conflict.

Throughout this troubled country,

scenes like this are becoming all too commonplace.

Well?

Well, the children were all so bloody cheerful.

I can hardly do a tragic human cost piece

in front of a load of laughing kids doing cartwheels.

This just isn't good enough.

I seem to recall hearing the phrase,

"next time, Damien, I fire you."

Well, yes. Yes, you did.

So?

Well, yes, yes I am going to fire Damien.

What?

At least I'm going to strongly recommend that option to Gus.

Oh, that's all right, then.

I'm going home.

Night, night, sweetheart.

Night, night, bollock brain.

Tell me, Prime Minister, do you think motherhood

gives a politician a special insight?

Er, Sally. What is it? I'm practising.

Yeah, it's just that I've got some lobsters coming tomorrow,

are you interested?

Dave, I am preparing to interview the Prime Minister of our nation,

am I likely to be interested in lobster?

You're so right, Prime Minister.

Good. That's good, Sally.

Coming along... nicely.

God.

You all right, Gus?

You know what he called me?

A mediocrity.

Who? Sir royston. Last week.

You know something else?

He's right.

That's why I've got to do it.

Get up, kick out, move arse, because I'm a medi-bloody-ocrity.

God!

Suppose you're not interested in a lobster?

You know... it's easy if you're like Alex.

And you've got talent.

It's easy if you're like you and you're completely bloody hopeless.

But when you're average, you have to fight, steal, cheat

and work bloody hard! Just to stay where you are.

That's what we mediocrities have to do.

Isn't it, Sally?

Sorry, Gus, I don't quite get your drift.

God. What?

Oh, my god. What?

Our mineral water's French! She'll go bloody mad!

I've gotta buy some crates of malvern water.

Move arse, get up, kick out, move! Go, go, gussy!

Look, what exactly are you trying to do?

I'm exactly trying to get your neon sign working.

Do you know, I reckon this wiring predates king xerxes of persia.

Get on to our temp agency quick.

I think our receptionist's too ugly.

Three hours. Three hours. She's gonna be here in three hours.

Gus, could I have a quick word? If it's very quick.

Gus, I've found more evidence of unacceptable behaviour by Damien

and this time I think we should fire him. Fine.

Well, if that's how you... What? Whatever you say.

Right. Though there is the other point...

No, no, no. You do what you say, I have no time for all this.

No, but... fire him if you want, George!

Right.

Hi, Damien. Hmm.

George, we need to follow up the erm entry.

Yes, for instance, did the timing

have anything to do with the Tory party conference?

Do bears shit in the woods?

Well, government insists it was a coincidence.

Yeah, like it was a coincidence that president Kennedy died

on the same day that he was hit in the brain by a bullet.

'Ere, darling, did I tell ya? What?

My gran's a great fan of yours.

In a home, of course, poor old soul.

Personally, I prefer the other one.

The alcoholic.

Do you think we could get on?

George, have you seen this report?

Britain's becoming the world centre for reprocessing dangerous waste.

It's a disgrace.

Well, I don't think it's fair.

We never seem to send any of our toxic rubbish abroad.

What are you talking about?

Andrew Lloyd Webber's got three shows on Broadway.

Is this really true that Kenneth Clarke says that,

"hardly any patients express complaints about the nhs"?

Yeah, well, they're all dead.

So, George, have you, er, spoken to Gus about firing me?

Oh, yes, I have.

And he, erm, he wants to think about it.

But I'm warning you, Damien, one more piece of irresponsibility

and you're out. Is that understood?

Absolutely, George. I like him, he's good.

No, no, no. No desk.

We don't want a physical barrier between the pm and her interviewer.

But my notes... where will I keep my notes?

In your head. No, silly suggestion.

We'll just have a low table between the two of you,

flowers on it for softness.

Now, I want your lighting to suggest sunlight dancing on the back wall.

A pastel backdrop to emphasise her vulnerability

and we'll have to swap positions, the pm's left is her good side.

Everything else is entirely up to you. Excellent.

Wait a minute, my left side is my good side, too.

Shame, but then she's Prime Minister and you're not.

Everything all right, sergeant?

Not entirely, sir. The sniffer dogs are acting a bit strangely,

it's this rather odd odour, sort of... fishy.

You never said they'd be live.

Yeah, well, they keep fresh that way.

Well, they're horrible. Just look at them, crawling around.

What do you expect them to do, the lambada? They're lobsters.

That... that one reminds me of George.

They're all bendy.

Yes, they're bendy, they're invertebrates. They've got no spine.

Clicks fingers that's why it reminds me of George.

Actually, I don't think you'll find anything explosive down there.

Yes, that's what I've heard.

Sorry, sir. They can be very persistent. Come on.

I'm, er, I'm sorry about that, Gerry.

Now, the pm will need some water.

To drink or to walk on?

Highly amusing. We'll get some straightaway.

What sort of glass would you like? Erm, half pint, tumbler? Wine glass?

We have some with our logo on? Er, anything.

Anything it is then, if that's what you want, we'll get it.

Actually, we have some antique cut glass. Or maybe a pewter tankard?

Oh, my god! What's happened?

Electrician: The main fuse box has blown.

Dave: Mind me lobsters!

George: Never mind your bloody lobsters, get these lights back on.

Not a hope, the wiring in here's a right Hampton court of a maze.

Eric the bloody navigator couldn't find his way around this...

Will you shut up?! How long is it gonna take to fix?

24 hours, minimum. Uh.

Oh, the emergency lighting's come on.

Are we going to be able to record in this?

No. Absolutely not. It's a security nightmare.

Besides, we don't want some half arsed interview

with the pm holding up a bicycle lamp, do we?

I'm calling it off. I'll let the boss know.

But my interview.

Flushed... down the toilet of fate, my dear.

Oh, I am enjoying this.

What happened to my interview?

What's happened to my lobsters?

Right, I'm suing you. And you. In fact, I'm suing all of you.

My whole career was building to this moment.

Have you any idea what I've put myself through to get this far?

The deportment classes, the dental adjustments,

the endless slimming.

And now, just when I'm perfect, you go and wreck everything.

It's just too dreadful.

I may as well just go and slash my wrists.

I'll fetch a razor blade.

Thank you, Henry. Let's all just calm down, shall we?

Think what we're going to do now.

Everything's going to be fine.

Gus? Gus, they've cancelled the interview.

I'm sure it'll be a big success.

Pride and professionalism.

Progress and performance.

Teamwork, leadership.

Dave, get a nurse up here with some medication.

I still haven't found all my lobsters. Just do it.

I'll go.

Health and hygiene, hope and hanker.

Trinidad and Tobago.

Right, well, I suppose I'd better ring sir royston

and tell him the interview's not going ahead.

Thank you, Alex, I'm perfectly capable of making that call.

Are you? Yes.

I shall break the news to him with great calm and dignity.

Because I have composure, because I have confidence,

because I have a lobster in my briefcase.

George, I'm sorry about that.

Went a bit odd back there. Must be a bit tired.

Yes. But you're all right now, are you?

Oh, absolutely. Don't worry, 100% in control.

So, when's president Kennedy arriving for this interview?

'We'd better cover this report about poor standards

'in casualty departments.'

'don't tell me, I cut my head open the other week,

'went to casualty, it was three hours before anyone saw me.'

'three hours before a doctor saw you?'

'no, it wasn't a doctor, it was seven hours before a doctor saw me.

'I was in dreadful pain.'

'well, you know what they say, pain is just your body's way

'of telling you Kenneth Clarke is minister for health.'

'did you see that Clarke was prepared to sacrifice

'300 million quid more in cuts than the treasury was asking for?'

'yeah, that was a very embarrassing memo

'to have leaked from your office, wasn't it?

'Someone stitched him up really badly.'

'yeah, well, now he knows what it's like

'to be a patient in casualty, doesn't he?'

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