Original subtitles

And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first shown

in a week when the labour party held its annual conference

and the two germanies became one.

And yet the carnage continues.

The death squads are still at work

and it is here, in this quarry,

that the people pay the tragic price for the rebellion.

Listos!

Apunten!

Whoa, hold it, hold it.

Sorry, we've got a problem with the sound.

Er, momento, por favor.

No problem.

Keep rolling.

Been busy? Si, si.

Oh, right, we've fixed that. So, well, all yours.

Ok.

Look, we'll do it without the voice-over.

Listos!

Apunten!

Fuego! Gunshots

that's good? No, that's not good.

You looked at the bloody camera!

Que? Erm, you look...

No, I mean, we can't use that.

No good?

Damien sighs

are you shooting anyone else today?

Huh?

Erm, you, you know, shoot another one, bang, bang?

Erm, un otro?

No, no more. Tomorrow maybe.

Well, could you pull forward one of tomorrow's?

No, no, no, no.

Oh, look, erm...

I'll tell you what.

Why not shoot him again?

Again?

Esta muerto. He dead. He stiff.

Well, yeah, but, erm...

Look, look, hold it a minute.

Erm, arretez.

Stop, stop.

You see, if, erm...

If we could sort of prop is head up...

And shoot again? Well, yes, you'll be on TV.

You know, cinema.

Hollywood. You know, a big star.

Ok, shoot again, no problem. Great.

We'll start when we've finished this.

Yeah, that ought to do it.

Can you hold this, Jerry?

Well, we'll do the opening in-vision, ok?

Just give me three.

And yet the carnage continues.

The death squads are still at work and it is here in this...

Jerry, have you got any gaffer tape?

Ok, come on, this time.

And yet the carnage continues...

Jesus!

Very funny, Jerry.

I don't believe it. What don't you believe, George?

Damien.

He got them to execute the same man twice.

Three times, I heard.

By the time they finally got his head superglued to the post,

he'd run out of film.

What are you looking at those rushes for anyway,

they're old, aren't they?

We're supposed to be putting together a feature on south America.

And with Damien in hospital, I've got to edit it.

George, we've got more pictures in

of the German unification celebrations.

I'm telling you, unification is a huge mistake.

History shows you just can't trust the Germans.

Oh, come on, Henry, it's been a long time since '39.

I'm not talking about '39. I'm talking about the world cup!

The way they deliberately got gazza booked, it was a disgrace.

Now, Sarah's sending us a piece from east Berlin

about the unrealistic expectations of some of the east Germans.

"Hello, I am now a citizen of united Germany.

"Please, may I have my video and fridge?"

It's not going to be easy, is it,

switching overnight from socialism to capitalism?

Well, the labour party managed it.

That reminds me. We've got to be on our best behaviour

during these party conferences.

And we agreed, no pictures of delegates yawning,

looking bored, or falling asleep.

Well, how are we going to cover Roy hattersley's speech?

George, Alex, can I have a word? Sure.

Now, this isn't going to be an inquest.

What isn't? I'm perfectly satisfied

that you weren't responsible for Damien's accident.

"Internal inquiry" would be far too strong a phrase.

All I want is for you, me and Alex to have a little...

..I wouldn't even want to call it a "discussion".

How about "witchhunt", then?

Hey, troops...

..If there's any responsibility to be taken, it stops...

..Right here. Good.

Wait a minute, this is my desk.

So, when's your paper going to use this?

Well, it's part of a raw courage series were doing

about people who have done particularly brave things.

And we've got you, a bomb disposal expert, a deep-sea diver

and a man who spent three days in a balloon with Richard Branson.

I've already interviewed your boss, George dent.

Ah...

He was very complimentary about you.

Was he?

Yes.

He said you were the only reporter he'd ever known

who could find dead bodies before the vultures.

Now, Damien, you must have been in danger thousands of times,

but I understand these leg injuries

are the first time you've been seriously hurt.

No, I was hit by a bullet in the Sudan.

Oh, were you severely injured?

Oh, no, it had already lost a lot of its force

as it had already passed through my cameraman and soundman.

Oh, dear.

I suppose your crews are very important for you.

Oh, not always.

The piece where I got injured, I did myself with a lightweight camera.

That one, actually.

Yes, it's seen a lot, that lens.

Mm, I'm sure.

I do know a bit what it's like.

Well, I worked briefly in northern Ireland

and I have seen, you know, dead people.

How many? Well...

..A couple.

I've seen hundreds.

Four major wars, I've covered.

Three assassinations.

Seven train crashes. And that's only the big ones.

Four famines.

Two earthquakes.

Countless gas explosions.

Yes, I may be young, but...

..I've seen so much human suffering.

Sometimes, I want to cry.

But I can't.

Because I've got a job to do.

You can write all that down, if you want.

Right, erm...

..What I was particularly interested in was how your legs

were injured in this way. Oh, that.

Oh, well, that all started about a week ago.

Now, George dent, our editor,

you see, he was very keen that I do this story...

George, where are we going to put electricity in the running order?

Oh, god, 18...

George, there's a story I want to cover.

Yes, all right, hang on. We're still on electricity.

Has everyone had these stupid letters

inviting us to buy shares in the electricity industry?

All: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's totally pointless, this privatisation.

Not at all. It'll mean, if you're not happy with the prices

charged by your regional electricity company, you'll have a choice.

What choice?

Well, you can move house.

Or, if that isn't practical, you can dig a huge hole beneath your house,

tunnel 60 miles to a neighbouring electricity region,

burrow up underneath a power station with your jump leads, whack them on,

climb back down into the tunnel,

feeding out 60 miles' worth of cable as you go,

then climb back up into your house

and attach the cable to the fuse box.

Piece of piss.

Look, George, what about my story? Yeah, wait a minute, wait a minute,

there's this sex scandal story.

Oh, come on, Dave, that's just a rumour. It is important.

She is a prostitute and he is a junior minister.

There are serious security implications.

Well, having met him at henley,

I find it very difficult to believe he'd consort with prostitutes.

Me, too. I always thought he was into little boys.

We don't report gossip.

Now, Damien, you were saying...

Yes, George, I want to do something

on one of these animal liberation groups.

Now, I've got a contact and I feel it would be a very relevant piece.

They're not extremists, are they?

You know, the sort that break into animal laboratories.

George, obviously, I would shoot the piece

in a responsible and sensitive way that examined the underlying issues.

And had lots of close-ups of two-headed baboons.

Hey, look, not at all, all right?

George spoke to me yesterday

about my responsibilities as a broadcaster.

And, well, I've taken all that on board.

Look, I am not just some monster

who's only obsession is getting a good story.

Yes, you are.

That's why you're such a successful reporter.

Well, I'm prepared to trust Damien's word on this one.

Obviously, I shall want all the details in writing.

Of course. Right, if that's all...

George, what is going on?

Why did you use the words "Damien" and "trust" in the same sentence?

Well, he came to me and said that he respected me

as an experienced broadcaster.

He said that? Yes. And he agreed that, in future,

he'd be more responsible

and pay more attention to journalistic ethics.

And I believe him.

You poor lamb, George.

Now, of course, this piece will be great publicity for your cause.

And it'll be a sympathetic portrayal.

I just want to film you in action.

You mean, like, picketing fur shops, handing out leaflets?

Exactly. Picketing fur shops, handing out leaflets,

raiding laboratories, that sort of thing.

We don't actually go on raids.

What, not even small ones?

No.

Right. Sure. I mean, that's up to you.

I mean, I suppose that a piece about people

who talk a lot about animal rights

could be just as interesting as a piece about

the daring front-line warriors of animal liberation.

I always said we should go on raids.

I've been on raids with the last group I belonged to.

It was crap. Why?

Because we weren't allowed to use any animal products, like wool.

You try running around the countryside

in a bloody nylon balaclava.

The sweat, it's terrible!

More to the point, you see, we've no experience in that sort of action.

Well, I doubt if it's that difficult.

I imagine all you do is pick a target.

Like what? Well, I don't know. Like, erm...

..Denman breeder's, for example.

Who?

Well, they have a number of farms that breed dogs,

and there's one in Suffolk that breeds beagles for experimentation.

Actually, I think I've got some pictures of the puppies.

Look...

Aw...

They are sweet!

Aw...!

Now, there are those who believe that

preventing them from being tortured justifies direct action.

We've got to raid it.

Well, that decision's entirely up to you.

We've no idea how to go about it.

Yes, that is a bit difficult, isn't it?

Erm, I mean, I've got a few local maps and a ground plan of the farm,

if that would help.

And that's when they produced a ground plan?

That's right. They were very organised.

Naturally, I pointed out that

I wouldn't be able to accompany them on the raid as...

Well, that would be crossing that unwritten ethical line

that we reporters always respect.

And what is that line?

It's...

Well, it's unwritten.

You've got to be responsible. You take last Friday, for example.

Now, a story had just broken

and my colleagues and I sat down to assess its newsworthiness

in a measured and responsible way...

But can we be sure it's the minister's bottom?

Well, the prostitute swears it is.

It's a clear breach of security. Oh, look, so what?

Is this story really important?

I mean, my animal lib piece is far more socially relevant.

I hope you're treading a careful line on this one.

These animal libers haven't come up with any plans

to do anything illegal? No, George!

Look, I can say, with my hand on my heart,

that they haven't come up with a single plan. Good.

George, it has come to my attention

that we are allowing Damien to glamorise the evil terrorists

in the animal liberation movement.

Well, they're not exactly terrorists.

Yes, they are.

Last week, quite unprovoked, they poured this red paint over me.

Just because I was wearing a fur coat.

They completely ruined my evening.

They shouted, "mink is murder" at me in front of all my friends.

Morons.

It isn't mink, it's sable, which is far more expensive.

I just don't see why we're doing a piece on them. It's typical!

Always sympathising with muggers, never the victims.

God knows how difficult red paint is to remove.

Actually, it probably wasn't red paint. They don't use that.

It's ecologically unsound. What do they use?

A mixture of red vegetable dye and pig's urine.

And we're giving these pig's urine hurlers free publicity, are we?

Well, it's not publicity. It's coverage.

I'm confident that Damien's going to produce

a well-balanced and objective piece.

Well spoken.

And I hope you were listening to that, Damien.

We mustn't overbalance the buggy on this one.

Oh, we won't, Gus.

We've got to be very careful.

Very evenhanded.

Lots of restraint.

Lots of fact checking.

Lots of objectivity.

And really very little sexy ratings-pulling sensationalism.

Oh, don't worry, Gus, there'll be plenty of action.

You know, people running around with balaclavas on.

And I've picked this group because the woman who leads them

is a real stonker.

You know, very televisual.

But won't her face be hidden by a balaclava?

Yes, I'm working on that.

Look, can we go through the plan once more?

I'm not clear what we do once we've broken into the kennels.

Yeah, look, after you've daubed the wall with slogans...

What slogans?

Well, "bastards", "murderers", "murderous bastards",

take your pick.

Couldn't we just demonstrate instead?

But it's sort of like a demonstration, really.

Just with the added element of forced entry.

Talking of which, here are your balaclavas.

Great! That one's yours, Lou.

40% nylon? Yeah, all right, all right.

Yeah, but I'll get that rash again! Look, don't worry.

Damien, this is a bobble hat.

Yes, Lou. You see, I thought that you, as leader,

should be free to give commands.

But don't worry, I'll make sure that the camera never sees your face.

Oh, by the way, I wanted to ask you,

do your lot throw paint at people who wear fur coats?

We did it once, but the smell from the paint kept making me sick.

So, it wasn't you who got Sally smedley, the newsreader?

She wears a fur coat?

I'd love to pour paint over her!

Do you want her address?

So...

..What did Damien do then?

You wanted me, George? Oh, yes.

I want to do a follow-up on the un summit for children.

You know, what positive action is Thatcher proposing?

Well, apparently, she's going to ensure that

all children affected by famine

are given grants to start up small businesses.

That's rather cynical, David.

Are you saying the prime minister isn't concerned

about the plight of children worldwide?

No.

No, I take it back. She must be very concerned.

After all, every child who dies is a lost photo opportunity.

So...

..What did Damien do next?

Well, things really started to hot up the next day.

You know, when Sally came in in that terrible mood...

Bastards! Bastards! Blasters! Bastards! Bastards!

Sally's in a bad mood this morning. Is she?

She seems perfectly normal to me.

This woman threw red paint at me last night as I was leaving my flat.

And I wasn't even wearing a fur coat.

Someone's given them my address.

Well, not necessarily.

Well, either that, or there are people roaming the streets

clutching tins of red paint on the off-chance of seeing me.

Now, which do you think is more likely?

All: There are people roaming the streets

clutching tins of red paint...

Yes, thank you, children. I'm seeing Gus about this.

Er, excuse me.

Security sent me up.

I'm from the catford animal rights group.

I'm looking for Damien day. Oh, are you?

Well, then, you've come to the right place. I'm Damien's secretary.

What? Thank you, Dave.

I'll deal with this.

So, what's the problem?

Well, Damien said only to speak to him.

Oh, well, it's ok. He discusses everything with me.

I mean, I know exactly what you're doing. So, what is it you want?

Well, can you tell him I'm having a little trouble

getting hold of the bolt cutters?

The bolt cutters? For the raid.

Oh, the raid, of course!

Er, have you got the new address for the target?

Is there one? Well, which one have you got?

Just denman breeder's farm, burnstead, Suffolk.

Oh, fine. That's all right, then. That's the right one.

Well, I'll give him the message about the bolt cutters.

So, you'll be seeing him, then? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'll be seeing him.

I feel betrayed, Damien.

You betrayed my trust.

And I ban you from going on that raid.

It's an illegal act.

Technically.

Look, anyhow, George, it's almost impossible to pull out

at this late stage.

Oh, I think you'll find it's possible, Damien.

I phoned up the farm and the local police

and warned them of a possible break-in.

Thanks, Alex!

Now, if I might have a private word with Damien.

Just to back you two up.

Damien...

Some more rumours about this sex scandal.

What I don't understand about this story is,

if there were these orgies for top people,

why wasn't I invited?

Well, I expect the other men thought that,

if they invited you, then they wouldn't get a look-in, Henry.

Yes, that would explain it.

Now, Damien, first, let me say that I'm right behind George on this one.

There's really no way we could pursue this report.

Right, Gus.

At least, certainly not in its present form.

But George said we couldn't pursue it at all.

He did, didn't he?

And we should listen to that.

You know how much respect I have the George.

Yes, I do, Gus.

This is Damien day reporting.

Tonight, I met at a secret rendezvous

with members of the animal liberation organisation

and found myself physically abducted

in order to provide coverage of one of their raids.

What?!

Cut.

It's that button there.

What's this about abduction?

Well, they wouldn't show it otherwise.

And why have we changed targets?

Oh, that's for security reasons.

But this is another denman breeding farm

and it's very probably being used for exactly the same purposes.

No, Alice. Alice, it's that button there.

We now appear to have reached the target.

And I gather that, in a few seconds, the raid will begin.

So, can we go now?

Ok.

And do try to look a little bit threatening, won't you?

Oh, for heaven's sake, stop holding hands!

So, what happened was, these people abducted you?

That's right.

And against your will, in the dead of night,

they drove you to the farm to release the beagles? Yes.

And then Damien helped them to break into the farm? Yes.

And they opened up the area where the dogs were kept? Yes.

So, at what point did they realise that this farm bred rottweilers?

I think it became apparent fairly rapidly.

I'm surprised Damien was the only one injured.

He wasn't. Three of the animal lib people

are still in intensive care.

Sally wants to send them all "serves you right" cards.

Well, I have to say,

our sweetbreads are on the chopping block over this one, George.

You're taking a lot of flak.

I don't see why we should carry the can on this.

We?

Well, don't worry, George.

As always, you have my complete, utter...

..And wholehearted backing.

Shit, you're in trouble now, George.

So, Damien, censured by your own company, severe leg injuries,

three civil suits from animal liberationists

and pending police charges.

Are you looking for a quieter life when you're fit to resume work?

Well, Jane, I was thinking of trying to sneak into Kuwait

to get some good pictures. Kuwait?

Oh, come on, you're a journalist, you know what it's like.

I need that buzz you get when the blood and the bullets are flying,

that rush of excitement, that hit, that fix.

I mean, that's why foreign correspondents

can never hold down a relationship.

I mean, sex is just an anti-climax.

Oh, no.

My camera is my woman.

Of course, no-one ever says that.

But, well, I'm sure all reporters feel the same.

No...

No, I don't think they do.

What?

I think it's just you.

Ha! Yeah, good one.

Commotion outside what's all that noise?

Oh, it's all the press boys waiting for the statement on the transplant.

Transplant?

Yeah, the heart transplant with this revolutionary new technique.

Oh, they're doing that here? Yeah.

Interesting, isn't it, this speech that Thatcher's made

about the women in history she admires?

Who are they?

Queen boudicca and Catherine the great.

Uh-huh.

So, her role models are a warrior queen

who cut the penises off dead soldiers and stuck them on poles

and a despotic nymphomaniac who raped horses.

Yes, suddenly, the last 11 years begin to make perfect sense.

Telephone rings hello?

This Damien business is going to be the end of me.

That and having the strain of running this office.

The stress of having to provide firm leadership.

One day, you'll have to do it, Alex.

One day, you will, George.

Hey, it's Damien on the phone.

What? Damien?

He says, can you save him five minutes on the 6 o'clock bulletin?

Monitor beeps

scissors.

Scissors!

Forceps.

Yes.

Now, let's see, what's down here?

Gus: How's it going, troops? Any exciting stories breaking?

Alex: No, just more stuff from the labour party promo.

Sorry, conference.

Yes, of course, we are giving labour a lot of coverage this week.

We must heed these new guidelines on balance.

Perhaps we should give Norman tebbit a right of reply.

Oh, yes. Hang on, we've got a speech by Thatcher on the Gulf.

I'll give Saddam Hussein a ring and see if he wants to have his say.

And we've got an interview with the archbishop of Canterbury,

so we'd better have a five-minute piece from a satanist.

Yes, yes, Alex. I think you're missing the point

about this new impartiality clause.

Now, maybe we should invite Woodrow Wyatt on to explain.

You'd have to balance his point of view.

Yeah. So, who would you get to balance Woodrow Wyatt?

Well, I suppose it would have to be a human being.

Alex, I want to talk to you about your attitude.

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