Original subtitles

Man: And now...

This episode was first shown in a week

when French farmers attacked English lamb,

George best appeared somewhat merry on wogan,

and Britain announced it was sending tanks to the Gulf.

God, George, you look awful.

It's this insomnia.

Laid awake half the night, and then, when I finally did nod off,

I had this awful anxiety dream.

I was being hanged for witchcraft.

And the hangman took off his hood...

And it was paddy ashdown.

According to Freud, that's a very common dream, being hanged.

What does Freud say it signifies, then?

Fear of impotence, I think.

Impotence.

Well, that would explain paddy ashdown.

Before Gus gets here for this meeting of his, erm...

And I've got this strange rash round my elbows.

George, before Gus gets here, what do we want to do

about which city's gonna get the Olympics?

Actually, I think Dave's got the latest on that. Dave?

Well, look, I hate that part of it just as much as you do.

Yeah.

No, I don't think now's a good time to tell him.

Dave! Oh, look, listen, I've got to go.

Yes, you know I do, yeah.

Ok, bye.

It was my insurance broker.

What can I do for you? 1996, the Olympics?

Ah, yeah, the whisper is, it's gonna be Atlanta.

What? Oh, god. Not another American Olympics.

I can just see the opening ceremony.

The teenage mutant hero turtles singing the star-spangled banner.

Greetings, team!

This is Geoff.

Geoff is from people count ltd,

the world's leading consultancy on workplace stress.

Now, I'm sure we'd all like to welcome him.

Welcome, Geoff. Why are you here?

Oh, it's spread to my stomach now.

He's here because the weekend course that I attended,

how sick are your staff?,

showed me that our working methods are inflexible,

unresponsive and, worst of all, they promote stress.

Geoff. What are the early signs of stress that we should look out for?

Well, Gus, basically, various key indicators, like insomnia,

anxiety dreams, short attention span.

A morbid obsession with trivial symptoms,

sudden changes of mood, temper tantrums...

Stabbing people?

Sarcasm, irrational aggression.

These are all possible indicators of a build-up of stress.

And together with Geoff,

we'll be embarking on a programme to help you all identify

and deal with stress.

And to this end, we've decided to turn the conference room

into an anti-stress room.

That's right. And in the room, you'll find this dummy,

which you can pummel

to relieve the anxieties imprisoned within your psyche.

God, I hate all this American bollocks.

I think you're being a smidgen insular, Alex.

This strategy has worked very well in Britain.

For example, for stressed computer programmers in Milton keynes.

Of course they're stressed, they live in Milton keynes!

Now, I'm sure we'll all respond to this challenge

with a sense of purpose and direction.

I got drunk in Milton keynes once.

I ended up in bed with a female ventriloquist.

Yes, well...

It's very strange when the wardrobe asks, "how was it for you?"

Yes, I sense we may be straying down tangent boulevard here,

so I suggest that we end this meeting now.

If that's ok with everyone?

George! Could we have a quick head-to-head?

Yeah, sure. George?

Now, there's a rumour that our farmers

may be attacking French lorries

to stop them bringing cheese into Britain.

Oh, right, erm... well, see if you can get some pictures.

I'll do my best.

George? You got my note about modelling

for that mail order catalogue? That is ok, isn't it?

Er, well... it's just I'm very keen to diversify.

I'd like to see Sally smedley, the newsreader,

explode in lots of different directions.

Wouldn't we all (!) Well, George?

I'll give it my consideration, Sally, ok?

Now, I'm due in with Gus.

George? George? Do you fancy a flutter on this horse

me and Henry just bought a share in? It's a sure-fire cert.

George laughs derisively

"this horse me and Henry bought a share in."

That's an interesting use of grammar,

considering I paid the whole �8,000.

I'll pay my share just as soon as my cash flow starts flowing, honest.

I got another bill this morning, �325 for stabling charges.

Where are they stabling this horse, claridge's?

You'll get all that back and a lot more besides

the day after tomorrow, when arab grey wins first time out at sandown.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a green citroen lorry, ok?

Now, you've got the registration number, haven't you?

No, no, no. Don't worry. I'll bring the kerosene.

George... stress is maladaptive.

Stress is aggression-friendly. And worst of all, it's stigmatic.

No-one - no-one! - Likes to admit there are victim of stress.

Why are you telling me this?

I'm just talking generally about stress.

Yes, but I'm the only other person in this room, aren't I?

So you can't be talking generally at all, can you?

All right, George. I'll come clean.

There is a victim of stress in this room.

And you're looking at him.

Oh, right. I mean, erm... oh.

Until now, George, I've been a case study.

I've been secretive. I've been distrustful.

Well, not any more!

From now on, I share my strategies and objectives, George.

Here. Have a stress ball.

Now, have you got any feelings you'd like to share with me?

Well... go on.

Well, it's just that, erm...

Well, if you really expect us all to open up

and start sharing our feelings, well, erm...

It's just not going to work.

Why not? Well, because...

Because, you know, because...

He tuts ..We're English.

We're just not very good at, erm...

I respect your input, George, but I'd appreciate it

if maybe you kept your doubts on a low flame on the back burner.

Ok? Yes, all right.

This is going to be a growing experience, George.

We're all going to grow together.

Here, have another stress ball.

You seem to have pulled all the fur out of that one.

The mail order catalogue people have been onto my agent.

They're getting impatient, George.

The name "selina Scott" has been mentioned.

Yes, well, er... I said I'm considering it.

Well, how long does a spot of considering take, for god's sake?

Honestly, it's like working for a blancmange!

She just gets more and more bad-tempered, doesn't she, Dave?

Well, I don't think it's sordid.

No. Our relationship is more than that.

Anyway, I've got to go now. Yeah. Ok, bye.

Your, er, insurance broker?

He chuckles no, no.

It was my accountant.

Right, is there anything else breaking?

Yeah, there's more news on the Maxwell story.

Apparently, Maxwell's million was used to buy Gary lineker.

He bought lineker?

Well, you know, it was his kid's birthday, the shops were shut.

Right, er, now, maybe we should do a piece

on the strengths and weaknesses of the challenger tank?

Well, the engine's poor.

It's not as reliable as the German leopard 2

or the American Abrams,

and it came last in the NATO field exercises.

I mean, basically, it's the skoda of the tank world.

Why are we sending them to the Gulf?

Well, we're probably hoping to claim on the insurance.

For god's sake, can't we use beagles for this?

Yes, now, this polygraph records pulse,

blood pressure, other stress indicators.

Ah! Now, that's interesting, Henry.

Your polygraph's just peaked, which shows you're stressed.

I'm stressed because of this!

�825 deposit against racecourse fees.

Money well spent, Henry, as you will see

when arab grey sails past the winning post tomorrow afternoon.

Fancy a bet on him, Sally?

No, thanks, Dave, I'm not very keen on racing.

Well, I go to ascot, of course, I enjoy that.

You get such a lovely view from the royal enclosure.

Oh, no!

Last year, I had a lovely chat with princess Margaret between races.

She actually made a point of coming over and talking to me.

What did she say?

She said, "as you're already at the bar,

"do you think you could get me vodka?"

She's very nice. Very human.

Is my polygraph registering coma yet?

Dave, have we seen this?

There's more trouble over these lesbian sex scenes

in this BBC play about vita sackville-west.

Disgraceful! No respect, that's the trouble. When's it on?

Tonight.

Now, there's also, erm... bbc2, is it?

Er, yes.

Now, there's also this story... what time?

9:25. 9:25. Disgusting!

Can we stop talking about lesbian sex scenes?

Only Henry's polygraph's gone right off the paper.

You know, Alex, I wish you'd been on Geoff's course.

What it demonstrated was that, in any office situation,

you can break people down into four basic personality types.

Adaptadeeders, conservaholders, supportagivers and controlatakers.

It's terribly interesting!

I mean, what type would you say George was?

A whinge-a-bungler.

Alex, I sense a certain amount of resistance from you

towards this approach.

Are there perhaps personal pressures

which are diminishing your receptiveness to new ideas?

Maybe we could explore this area?

Yes. Spot of boyfriend trouble, is it?

I beg your pardon?

Oh, it's just that George was telling me you've had a bit of a...

Bumpy time with your young... Well, your very young Greek fellow.

It's not of your bloody business! Gosh!

Yes, I think, actually, Gus, we're running before we can walk.

No, I feel that Alex is hostile towards our consultation strategy

because of her personal problems.

No, I'm hostile to this consultation strategy

because it is the biggest waste of time

since Andrew Lloyd Webber took piano lessons!

With respect, the whole point of this strategy

is to make your team function better.

Well, if you really want it to function better,

then I suggest that, instead of wasting

all this pseudo-psychiatric mumbo jumbo

on a totally sane, unstressed person like me,

you should really be directing it

at a genuine stress-riddled basket case like George!

Perhaps you could enlarge on "basket case"?

George is a waste of two filing cabinets' worth

of valuable office space.

Just half an hour ago, his indecision cost me

a lucrative modelling contract. He's weak, he's disorganised...

I, er... I think I got this list off Alex.

Putting George to one side, just for a second,

I rather wanted to concentrate

on the way you see your own role here, Sally.

I hope you'll approach this observation in a positive way.

I just wondered whether you occasionally have a problem

with your attitude towards others?

I'm sorry, Gus, you've lost me.

Well, all I'm floating is, if you were less...

Confrontational, would you be, well, more popular?

I could hardly be more popular, Gus.

Last week, my fan mail totalled 341 letters,

112 of them requesting photos.

Yes, I...

I was thinking more in an office context.

You're saying I'm unpopular in the office?

In some respects... yes.

And what basis do you have for saying that?

Well, for a start, there's the, erm... graffiti.

In the lift.

And in the toilet.

And in the canteen.

All of it not... totally complimentary about you.

Yes, I think perhaps, Gus,

we're getting "overly specific" here.

Perhaps Sally could tell us what other problems she perceives here.

Well, obviously, the general quality of the staff.

I got this list from personnel,

I've asterisked all the ones I feel are inadequate.

How helpful.

Oh, I see George has three asterisks.

Ah, George, George, listen, I, erm...

I need to borrow 50 quid to put on my horse, you know?

My contact says it's a dead cert.

Dave, once before, you told me about a horse

that was a sure-fire cert, remember?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, well, that was just bad luck.

I mean, it's very rare for a race horse

to develop agoraphobia like that.

Hi, everything ok? Fine.

See, the thing is, this horse is the brother

of desert orchid's cousin's sister.

And I am telling you, it is an absolute...

That dummy's wearing a tie.

Yeah, yeah. The thing is, the horse...

It's very like my tie...

What? That tie.

It's just like my tie.

Look. See?

Well, it's like it, yeah,

but it's not absolutely identical, is it?

I mean, there's a few more stripes on this one.

It's very similar. George, you're just being paranoid.

You always think things are going on you don't know about.

Phone rings

hello?

It's your accountant.

She's crying.

Gus and Geoff want you, Damien.

By the way, your footage of the angry English farmers

attacking that lorry... It was terrific, wasn't it?

The way that's a lorry driver was screaming

and waving his arms about, the way the French do.

He was Belgian.

Sorry? He was Belgian.

The driver was Belgian.

The cheese was Belgian,

and the ambassador who just rang me was Belgian.

He's saying you put the farmers up to it.

Oh, come on, George, as if I'd... we will discuss this later.

Now, get in there with Gus.

Perhaps we should do something more on this spat

between tebbit and lord young about young's autobiography?

You know, maybe interview each of them in turn?

I don't know, tebbit's very difficult to interview.

He always adopts the same position

that, basically, he's the man in the pub.

Yeah, the unpleasant git at the bar with the big space round him.

Well, it's easy to be critical, but nobody's perfect.

You obviously haven't read lord young's autobiography.

What part of your job strikes you as the most stress-creating bit?

Oh, that's easy. Dealing with George.

Why do you say that?

Oh, because he's always imposing silly restrictions, you know.

"Don't do close-ups on fresh pools of blood,

"don't force entry into people's homes."

You know, stupid, petty things like that.

When you are out on a major news story, some disaster,

something like that, what exactly do you feel?

Ooh... well, it's difficult to describe, erm...

I get this feeling of...

..Ecstasy, this...

It's so fulfilling and satisfying...

Oh!

Right, well, I think that tells us all we need to know, for now.

Are you busy, Gus? Ah, just winding up, ah...

Thank you, Damien.

Did you tell Sally she was unpopular?

Only she's going round, forcing people to read her fan mail.

I tell you, all this stress therapy is just destroying office morale!

It's a very worthwhile exercise.

We've just had a very interesting session with Damien.

Yes, very interesting case study.

His polygraph records show

a personality completely stress free.

Really? Hmm.

Psychotic, but completely stress free.

The thing is, Gus...

You couldn't send in Dave in, could you?

Yes, Gus.

Dave, the quacks want you.

Oh, no, no, no. I've got the racing on the telly.

Arab grey's in the paddock, he's looking superb.

Yes, well, you can just get in there and suffer like the rest of us.

Ah, Henry, whilst I remember,

can you not put that little sneer into your voice

every time you say the words "Gerald kaufmann"?

Well, I'm trying, George. It's involuntary.

It just seems to creep in.

Yes, well, could you try and restrain it a little more?

Sally hums 'my favourite things'

everything all right, Sally? Mm, fine, thanks.

Well, she seems to have relaxed a bit.

I had the same thing a few years back with Leon britton -

whenever I said his name, for some reason,

I'd always find myself...

It's wearing my cardigan now!

What?

The dummy's got my cardigan on!

You know, the blue one I sometimes wear to work.

Well, it's, erm... yes, it's similar, I suppose.

It's very similar.

Extremely similar.

Yeah, well, it's nearly time for the afternoon...

I must watch my newly acquired thoroughbred

annihilate the field in the 3:30.

Yes, right.

Damien: Hi, George. Hi, Damien.

All we're doing, Dave, is giving you opportunity

to assess the way your private life interacts with your job

and the way that this relationship...

What relationship? Who said I'm in a relationship?

The relationship between your personal life and work life.

Oh, right. I'm sorry.

Ah, you're gonna have to excuse me, gentlemen,

because Henry's just reminded me

I've got to finish a special feature on race.

You know, racial tension in the '90s,

more blacks in the police force, that sort of thing...

Race announcer on TV: '..Followed by sweet sue.

'And trailing in last place, 20, maybe 25 lengths behind,

'arab grey.'

and that's a magnificent animal, is it?

Well, maybe it didn't like the going.

It's only a two-year-old.

Probably prefer a right-handed course.

It's a pretty colour, isn't it?

Dave, are you in favour of adoption? Hey?

Because it'll be the only way you can have children.

I'm about to nail you to the wall by your genitalia!

Hey, come on, lighten up, Henry! I lost 50 quid as well, you know.

Well, technically, it was Damien's 50 quid,

but I still lost... �50!

You persuaded me to sink �8,000 in that anaemic nag!

I bought it, sight unseen, on your recommendation!

This is what comes from listening to morons

with all the brainpower of an educationally subnormal amoeba!

Hey, listen, nobody calls me an amoeba!

Will you two shut up? Grow up, for god's sake.

Now, come on, Gus wants us for the group assessment session.

He called me an amoeba. I don't care.

Right, well, since you all work so closely together,

I thought it might be rewarding for us to have this group session.

Yes, to analyse how we all interact within the unit

and appraise our working relationships together.

Right, anyone want to kick off?

Yes, George.

I'd like it placed on record

that I think this anti-stress programme

is placing us all under intolerable stress.

With respect, George, I think perhaps that comment

tells us more about you than the programme.

Now, maybe if we get pairs to examine their working relationships.

Erm... Sally and George.

No, maybe that's not a good one to kick off with.

Erm, Sally and Henry. No, no, erm...

Dave and Henry. You start.

Ah, I don't think that's a good one to kick off with, either.

Henry, you begin. How do you perceive David?

I really don't think this is a good idea, Gus.

My perception of Dave...

..Is that he's a walking disaster area.

He's feckless, unreliable.

He doesn't concentrate, his attitude's appalling...

..And if he put a tenth of the energy into his work

that he puts into stupid bets, conning his friends

and shagging the wife of someone in accounts,

then we'd all be a bloody sight better off!

Yes, thank you, erm...

Maybe if we moved on to Damien and George.

I'd like to air my perception of Henry, please, Gus.

David, that's all right...

My perception of Henry is that he is a fine newsreader.

He combines a good editorial brain

with an authoritative, measured delivery

that, in my book, makes him the best.

He is incisive, he is professional,

but above all, he is a towering, grade-a hypocrite...

An arrogant bore

and a vindictive, big-mouth git who needs teaching a lesson.

Ah, Dave, perhaps you like to make use of that anti-stress room?

No, that won't be necessary, thank you, Gus.

Oh! Squabbling

well, that was some left hook Henry threw at Dave.

Shame your face got in the way, Gus.

That'll teach you to try and mediate.

Hooligans! Absolute hooligans!

Absolutely. It was a good rumble, though, wasn't it?

Henry fought a really clever fight.

You know, I've never seen a stapler used as a tactical weapon before.

I just can't believe it.

I've actually been struck by one of my own employees!

It's... it's unimaginable!

Oh, I don't know, I imagine it quite a lot.

I think my nose is broken.

Yes, of course, this means we'll have to extend programme.

What? Well, violent flash points like this

indicate that stress factors have reached chronic levels.

You've got a sick office here, Gus.

One that needs urgent and progressive psycho...

Oh, shut up!

There you are, you see, you're a case in point...

Get out! Now! Go on!

All right...

Bloody quack.

Geoff... I've just worked out what personality type you are.

What? A shyster-plonker.

Or is it a waffler-wanker?

Right... where are Dave and Henry?

I want him back up in here now.

Are you sure you don't want to share

this strategy and objective with us, Gus?

If I say I want them in here, I want them in here.

I'm in charge here.

Oh, so, the growing together is on the back burner, then, is it?

Yes, it is. Thank god for that.

I want you to know, George, that I blame you for all of this.

You should be able to control your staff!

But it wasn't me who opened the floodgates.

I warned you several times, but, oh, no...

Stop bleating!

You are such a whinger, George!

And I'm not the only one who thinks it.

You are pathetic!

Alex.

Arrange to have those two neanderthals brought up in here.

I'm gonna crucify those bastards.

If anyone wants me, you'll find me in the anti-stress room.

George... give me your jacket.

Sally: Wasn't George best a disgrace on wogan?

They had to carry him out of the studio!

Alex: Probably had to carry him into the studio by the look of him.

I don't know why they invited

a vulgar non-entity like best onto their show.

You've never been on wogan, have you, Sally?

No, but... nor aspel, or hunniford.

I don't believed in appearing on chat shows, Alex.

It diminishes my credibility as a serious anchorwoman.

Right, well, I'll tell the beeb

you don't want to do wogan next Wednesday then.

Only they rang earlier. What, when? Have you got the number?

Fooled you! Phone rings

I think it's sad, Alex,

when a middle-aged woman has to resort to schoolgirl humour.

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