Original subtitles

And now...

This episode was first shown in a week when Robert Maxwell's name

was linked with spurs,

when heads rolled over the last night of the proms,

and when Iraq's occupation of Kuwait

continued to attract condemnation and controversy.

Theme music plays

he puffs cheeks

he smacks lips

he tuts woman: Well, George?

Well...

He blows raspberry man: Well?

I think it's a very important story and we should run it.

Groaning

provided we get real proof.

Secret memos, tape recordings of phone calls, photographs.

How much more proof do you want?

Look, George, this stuff tells us that MI6

have been supplying arms to South Africa

in exchange for intelligence about British subversives.

Our government may have been involved!

No, no, I don't think so. The whole operation was far too efficient.

Come on, George!

I don't like anonymous leaks. They make me nervous.

All this stuff just turns up on our doorstep.

I mean, why can't the source identify himself?

Oh, be sensible, George.

If he identifies himself,

he either gets 30 years in the slammer

or a new career as a strange bump in a motorway flyover.

Why has he given us the leak

when he could have gone to his superiors?

Come on, talk about naive, George.

That would be like salman rushdie

putting his number in the tehran phone directory.

Come on, George, let's go with it.

Now, I'm just throwing balls in the air

and seeing where they land over here.

But I can't help agreeing with George.

It is perhaps unwise

to go with such an unproven piece of sensationalism.

This from the man who wanted to run

the "cliff Richard only had it off once" story.

If we don't run it now, we'll get scooped.

Are you having a meeting?

See what an incredible investigative journalist she'd make (?)

Sticks and stones may break my bones.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Anyone got any sticks and stones?

I brought up your fan mail, Henry, for the week.

Of course, the post room's still going through mine,

apparently they've had to take on extra staff.

Sally, we are a bit busy.

It's a good thing Henry doesn't get as much,

or we'd be swamped.

Sally, I don't think... Oh, this is lovely.

"Dear Sally, I'm an old-age pensioner from gloucester,

"and whenever you come on, the news just doesn't seem so bad.

"Yours, tom Patterson, f block, broadmoor."

Poor man, obviously deeply disturbed.

A-ha...

Oh, by the way, Alex, your Greek toyboy phoned.

I couldn't quite hear what he was saying,

I think he still had his dummy in his mouth.

I've only just met the guy, he's not my tomboy.

Never mind Alex's toyboy.

Let's get back to the matter in hand.

Well, coach, what's your decision?

I don't know.

I just don't know.

It's very difficult to know exactly how to play this story.

Mm. You know what really puzzles me?

What? Why men send her those letters.

It's not as if she's sexy.

In fact, I doubt if she has a sex life.

I always think of her rather like one of those Barbie dolls.

Take off her clothes and there's nothing there but pink plastic.

Please!

Word is, she fancies William.

Oh, the lighting engineer with the scorpion tattoo!

They've been spotted snogging in his corvette.

The one with the orange flames painted down the side?

I don't know if I'm reading body language correctly here,

but I think George is a teensy-weensy bit frustrated

at these interruptions.

Thank you, Alex.

Perhaps we could get on with some of the other stories.

Well, Parkinson seems to be in a lot of trouble again this week.

He always cocks things up, doesn't he?

A pity his IQ is not as high as his sperm count.

Well, of course, Thatcher has really got it in for Parkinson.

Why do you say that?

Come on, George, you must have noticed the way she gives him

all the impossible privatisations to handle.

Nuclear power, now British rail, I mean, what next?

British dog turds, buy the prospectus now!

Looks like Maxwell's gonna buy spurs. Yeah?

Is that definite? Yes.

Unless they're losing at half-time, then he'll buy the other team.

That's the thing about Maxwell, isn't it?

He's only interested in winners.

Have you seen the European?

Right, now, the liberal democrats

are having yet another relaunch on Wednesday.

No, they're not changing their bloody name again, are they?

They've had more aliases than Ronnie Biggs!

They're going to unveil some sort of corporate logo.

Apparently it's going to be of a bird,

but they won't tell us what sort.

Well, they'll probably pick the osprey.

What, because it's so noble?

No, because there's only four of them left in Britain.

Right, so what does that leave us with, anything?

Yes, this MI6 arms deal story.

Right, I've decided. I'm gonna talk to the lawyer.

Groaning oh, god!

Ooh...

Difficult.

Very difficult.

It's something of a legal minefield.

At what point would we be breaking the law?

Well, you already are.

All this material clearly emanates from a source

who is breaking the official secrets act.

Technically speaking,

just by possessing it we could all go to prison.

All of us? Well, in theory.

Though in practice, it would probably be just you.

Right, so it's clear we can't use this story.

On the other hand, would they prosecute?

If the story's true, probably not.

Ah, so... although they might.

What would be your advice?

Well, bearing in mind that we are dealing with a new law

with few precedents, either legally, or regarding the degree

to which the government is prepared to resort to it,

and the situation is obviously complicated

by the inevitable impossibility of ascertaining facts

with absolute certainty,

I suppose I'd have to say... yes?

..That it's really up to you.

Thanks.

Sally: You moron! Oh, no, what now?

You have spilt coffee on my chanel.

I'm sorry.

She squeals

where did they get people like you? Rent-a-pillock?

Ok, ok!

Do you know who you're dealing with?

I am not no-one.

I am someone who gets fan mail, opens supermarkets

and was voted Leicester's second favourite

local media personality in 1987.

I've got a headache, I'm going to my dressing room.

All I wanted to do

was test of these new extra sensitive radio mics.

Well, maybe it's her time of the month.

I've never known a period last three years.

Huh?

I used to know her at breakfast TV.

I can tell you they had a few nicknames for her there.

Yeah? Like what?

Well, shit head...

And, er... well, shit head was about it, actually.

They weren't very imaginative at breakfast TV.

Here we are.

Here comes William.

Hey, you don't think he's off to, you know, with Sally?

What, now, in her dressing room? Yeah.

I hope so.

She still got that radio mic on.

Gus says one thing, she says another.

I know it's difficult, but basically it's your decision, George,

and I think you should... telephone rings

hello?

Yes, mum, what is it?

Well, look, I'm a bit busy just now.

I'm sorry, but we don't know when the petrol's gonna go up again.

No, no, I don't think it was a good idea

to fill the bath up with petrol.

Look, just leave it where it is, ok?

Yeah, and I'll call you back. Right.

I think you should run it, George.

If you're gonna run it on the six o'clock, you've got to decide now.

Come on, George. You've got to run it, it's a great scoop.

I'm sure we can rely upon your sound judgement

in such a sensitive area.

Hey, George?

Well...

Here we go, they have leg over.

Oh, it's amazing.

It's like the queen, you don't think she does things like this.

He laughs

you know, we really shouldn't be recording this, should we?

No, I suppose not.

Oh, sod it, it is Sally.

I'll put it on talkback.

Pleasured groaning on tape

that doesn't sound like Sally.

'No, there, not here, you idiot!'

both: That sounds like Sally!

'Oh, yes, yes.'

yes?

'Yes!' Yes, what?

'Yes!

'Oh, my viking!

'Oh, my big norse warrior!'

they laugh

bub-bub-bub-bub...

Difficult.

Oh, for god's sake!

Yes, well, obviously I don't have an opinion,

I'm a support module, but it would be very easy

to find ourselves standing on buttered ball bearings

over this piece.

And while I believe passionately...

..In no punches pulled,

hard-hitting journalism...

I do feel a very real sense

that we ought to be wary of running any unsubstantiated stories

if we are to avoid a faeces and fan situation.

If you follow me?

Where has everyone gone?

Pleasured groaning on tape

exhaling

how was that for you?

I don't know, but I think I need a cigarette.

George!

What's going on in here?

Erm, there's a very interesting live report just come.

There's a story breaking in...

Afghanistan! Yeah, Afghanistan.

Oh, right.

How big is it?

It's pretty big, by the sounds of it.

Alex, Alex, Alex.

Henry.

Right, now, can we make a start, please?

Now, what's the latest on Iraq?

Well, apparently, cat Stevens is flying to Baghdad

to see if he can negotiate some sort of deal with Saddam.

"Yes, release the hostages or I start singing Matthew and son."

Saddam and cat Stevens in one place!

Now's the time to launch a first strike.

Of course, this whole conflict was predicted by NOSTRADAMUS.

Oh, god, here we go.

No, come on.

He talks about the man with blood on his head, gorbachev.

And he says that he will ally with his enemy.

That proves nothing!

Of course he's talking about gorbachev,

I mean, the man with blood on his head, who else could it be?

It could be Vinnie Jones.

Look, he foresaw all of this hundreds of years ago.

Remember he prophesied the rise of Hitler?

Ah, correction, he prophesied the rise of hister.

So he got one letter wrong!

Stop being so picky.

Hister, he said hister!

Yeah, maybe he was dyslexic, I don't know?

But he said the destruction of the world

will be started by a man in blue.

Ok, so the apocalypse will be triggered by postman pat.

Look, will you two please shut up?

George, we need a decision on that leaked material we've got,

if we're going to put it in at six.

Although there have been other stories breaking today.

Like that ferry accident.

What ferry?

You know, the viking line one.

Yeah, that's right.

Apparently, er, a viking ferry rammed a Sally line ferry.

What's funny about that?

Oh, please!

Now, about this leak.

Come on, George, we've got to run this story.

There have been illegal arms sales.

Either the government knew about it, or they should have known about it.

I don't know why everyone gets at the government all the time,

they do their best.

Thank you for that heavyweight intellectual contribution.

Oh, god, Peter sissons is so right!

Whether or not to run this story... is your decision, George.

And to go with it would be a brave decision.

Especially as it's an item

which shows the government in a bad light

at a time when national unity is so vital.

And at a time when the conduct of broadcasters

is being so closely scrutinised.

Yes, very brave of you, George.

Very brave indeed.

Yes, thank you for that support, Gus.

I've decided what to do about this story, and I'm...

Not gonna run it.

Groaning Damien: Come on, George!

I'm simply not convinced it's true.

In fact, I'm increasingly convinced it's all some sort of hoax.

You know, disinformation.

And this notion that the cabinet are waiting,

quivering for our decision, strikes me as frankly ludicrous.

I'm sure the powers that be

don't know about this story and don't care. Erm, George?

I won't be interrupted for once,

we are not going to become a receptacle for rumours

that no-one else is interested in.

Excuse me. Will you let me finish?

Detective chief inspector frost, sir.

Oh, that story?

Well, I don't know much about it.

I'm, er, I'm not really here.

I leave the editorial decisions

very much up to my highly independent staff.

Now, listen.

I checked with our lawyer,

the terms of your warrant only give you the right

to take material related directly to the matter under investigation.

Your lot are carrying off everything.

Yes, yes, that's quite correct.

I'm sure your lawyer will be issuing an injunction

pointing that out,

by which time we'll have photocopied everything,

bunged it all on the computer, then you can have it back.

Is that clear? Yes, thank you.

Good. Door opens

oh, for goodness' sake!

Mr dent, Pam Bruce, BBC news... get these people out!

Are you suffering from police harassment? Thank you, thank you.

He exhales

dearie me.

It's terrible, isn't it?

The way they just invade people's privacy!

Where were we?

And indeed, I was saying to your chief constable

only the other day,

"tiny", I said, "tiny, we are 175% behind the police force."

Yes, well, I need to take a statement.

Certainly.

Would you like me to speak very slowly

so you can write everything down?

Or are you just going to make it all up afterwards as usual?

Very droll, miss.

We policemen aren't very good at making stories up.

We leave it to the professionals. Like you.

Now, about this material?

Let me get one thing straight, inspector.

I have absolutely no intention of revealing my sources.

I am a serious and professional...

Telephone rings

excuse me.

Alex pates.

Look, I'm a bit busy, mum.

Yeah, I'm talking to a policeman.

No, I haven't done that again.

Look, we don't know if there's going to be a war with Iraq.

No, I don't think that will work, mum.

Well, because that gas mask's over 50 years old.

Look, did you get the petrol out of the bath?

Ok, what did you do with it?

The pond?

Yeah, well, obviously it killed all the goldfish!

Look, I'm gonna have to call you back, mummy.

Yeah, ok, ok.

My mum.

Sorry, where was I?

"Serious and professional"? Ah, yes.

As I was saying to the home secretary,

"David, I said, David, if our boys in blue want cs gas,

"they should jolly well have it."

Because, to be completely on the level with you...

..I really do feel that.

Mr hedges, I'm not a freemason.

But you are chief inspector!

It is possible.

Fine, just sign this, mr dent, that'll be all. Thank you.

So, you don't want to interview anyone else here, then?

No, thank you.

I don't think we could take any more.

It's a huge mistake, I'm telling you.

We shouldn't let the Germans reunite like this.

Oh come on, Henry, times have changed.

It's not as if they're gonna march in and invade Poland.

No, they'll probably just leave their towel over it.

What's all this?

Oh, yeah. Do you like it?

It's for my piece on the last night of the proms.

I've just had this in. Thatcher has repeated

that she may stay on for another five years as party leader.

Oh, my god! Do me a favour!

She did add that she's not immortal.

Ooh, major shift from her there!

Anything else? Yes, I think it might be worth doing something

on the fact that while we're blockading Iraq,

we're still giving aid to Syria.

Why shouldn't we?

Syria hasn't occupied a small defenceless neighbour.

Yes, it has. Lebanon.

Well, all right, but they haven't killed lots of their own people.

10,000 at last count.

Yes, all right,

but at least their president doesn't resemble Hitler.

Oh, right! So, we are sending

the largest expeditionary force since Vietnam to the Gulf

because Saddam Hussein has a moustache!

Are there any other stories brewing?

Er, yeah, I've got one.

It's about this dog, right,

that, erm, that's been charged with chasing horses.

Oh, I get it, you mean he's an 'orse warrior! Correct!

Horse warrior, what are you on about?

God knows.

I think they've all got mad cow disease.

Of course, there is still our leak story.

Sorry? Well, we can run it now.

Good god, surely the raid was proof that the material's genuine.

Well, yes, maybe, but, er,

well, we can't run that story now, we no longer have any proof.

So you're saying that if you still had some evidence,

you would run it?

Naturally.

I made a copy of the phone call tape.

You know, the conversation between MI6 and voss

about air to surface missiles?

I hid it in case there was a raid.

How thoughtful.

Yes, well done, Alex (!)

So, you'll run the story?

Well... you must run it, George.

If your best journalistic instincts tell you to run it,

then you must run it.

Right. And if you should go to prison,

I'm sure there'll always be a job for you here...

Of some sort.

After all, principles are worth suffering for.

And besides, I'm sure they wouldn't put you in with the murderers

or anything like that.

Yes, I, er, I think I need to speak to the lawyer again.

David stanhope, independent news... no!

Can you do me a favour? Could you ask Sarah to book me a cab

for after the last bulletin on Friday?

Where to? Penzance.

I'm attending a conference on news and communication skills.

I thought I'd play them Sally's tape.

How many people are gonna be there?

Oh, not more than 200.

Wait a minute.

My copy's gone.

Where the hell's it got to?

George, it's special branch on the phone about stuff they took.

They are asking if you know anything about a viking warrior.

Oh, god.

Have you got a spare?

No, I'm all out of cassettes.

I ran off 15 copies for the guys in lighting.

I'll tell you what,

leave me a blank on the desk, I'll do you another copy, all right?

Thanks.

Vikings?

What?

Oh, vikings, vikings, vikings.

Why's everyone going on about bloody vikings?

George?

My big worry is for the safety of that cassette.

I just hope that Alex is keeping it somewhere secure.

It's probably in her desk. No.

No, I doubt it.

Anyway, let's go and see this lawyer.

Very difficult.

Very difficult indeed.

You see, the thing is, Gus,

I want to be reasonably sure that if we do...

If we do run this material, I want to be absolutely sure.

Will you two please take those silly hats off and come in here?

Right, now, Alex, if you could get me a cassette.

I won't be a minute.

Now, Phoebe.

Er, Sally?

Sally, we're having a meeting, actually.

I know that, actually.

And I'm fed up being excluded from editorial discussions, actually.

You always treat me as though I'm out of my depth.

My dear, you'd be out of your depth in a puddle.

Now, Phoebe, we have here a copy of the tape

that was part of the material special branch seized.

This time, I need definite legal guidance.

If we broadcast this,

what's the probability that we will be prosecuted?

I don't need to stress

that our reputation as a serious news-gathering unit

hangs upon the content of this tape.

Man groans pleasurably on tape

woman groans pleasurably on tape

I didn't realise it was a tape of people doing naughty things.

Groaning continues on tape

tape stops

how dare you!

How dare we what?

You don't recognise who that is, do you?

No.

Absolutely not.

I've got a headache, I'm going to my dressing room.

William, trousers off, she's got a headache!

Pleasured groaning on tape

that's Sally, isn't it?

'Yeah...'

groaning on tape

it's the wrong tape.

I don't understand,

I marked it, I hid it in Dave's desk.

Ah!

You didn't write what was on it, did you?

Well, what was I supposed to put,

'vital top-secret tape, may bring down the government?'

what did you do to it?

Do you know, I'm sure that's Sally.

I thought it was your tape.

I never dropped off the blank.

Well, over perhaps the most important tape

we've ever had in this office,

I'm afraid I've recorded the sounds of two people having it off.

Sorry!

Dave? Groaning on tape continues

I'm afraid I'm going to have to stab you.

There's been something going on here that I don't know about!

And it's something to do with Sally.

Well?

Somebody speak to me.

Well, I have to say that in my considered opinion,

you would have trouble broadcasting this.

Telephone rings

yes, hello?

Yeah, erm, hang on a minute.

Alex, it's your mum's next neighbour.

He says her garden pond's on fire.

Oh, my god!

Theme music plays

George: God, all these financial problems for nhs hospitals.

Gus: Yes, very worrying.

It certainly is.

I booked into have my ulcer seen to next month.

That's if the hospital hasn't gone bankrupt by then.

Don't worry, George,

these hospitals are revamping their finances.

They are going to start charging patients

who want those special little extras.

What, like doctors, pillows, anaesthetic?

George, the nhs has to start running along proper commercial lines.

I can see it now,

you have a kidney transplant and then if you get behind with payments

they put your old kidneys back.

Don't you worry, George,

I'm sure by the time you go in for your operation,

the nhs will be a slick, profitable highly-efficient machine.

I think I'll go private.

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