Original subtitles

And now, another showing of drop the dead donkey.

This episode was originally broadcast in a hot week in August,

when the enquiry into the guildford four convictions gathered pace,

and Iraq's continued occupation of Kuwait

put Britain on a war footing.

We seem to be running out of angles

on how to cover this bloody Gulf crisis.

Well, how about if we did a piece

focusing on the psychology of Saddam Hussein?

Oh, you know the kind of piece.

We get a psychiatrist to discuss his megalomania,

his psychotic tendencies, his tiny penis...

You don't know Hussein's got a tiny penis.

I'm sorry, but any man who erects 80-feet-high posters of himself

on every street corner has definitely got a tiny penis.

If you ask me, all these oil rigs in Kuwait are one big Willy substitute.

Well, that's the answer to the crisis, then, really, isn't it?

We just get Claire rayner to give Saddam a ring

and reassure him that size doesn't matter.

Look, can we please get off the subject of tiny penises?

Now, the aspect of Saddam's character that I find...

The man's mad. You'll never believe what he's done.

What?

He's played on, slashing outside the off stump.

Bloody David gower!

Keeping abreast as usual, eh, Henry?

What's the latest military situation in Kuwait?

Well, according to Peter snow on newsnight,

the whole of the Gulf region is completely overrun with dinky toys.

Can we be serious, please?

We should cover the fact that our troops could be attacked

by Iraqi chemical weapons.

Yes, it'd be horrendous, wouldn't it,

if British soldiers came back scarred by poison gas.

Yeah, where would Thatcher hide them during the victory parade?

Let's not get cynical, David.

Now, any general comments on our war coverage so far?

Yes, it is very lacklustre.

I should be out there.

If it was me, I'd be on the front line covering the fighting.

You'd be on the front line starting the fighting.

Right, any more offers?

What about the situation in nagorno karabakh?

Oh, come on, we've milked that to death.

You don't like it cos you can't pronounce it.

Dear girl, which one of the two of us is the newsreader

they use in schools as a guide to English pronunciation?

My diction is unimpeachable.

Yes, how many letters of complaint did we receive

when you got the turkish kurds back to front?

Yes, well, if we could move on...

George! George, my piece on Nazi football fans.

It's very important

now that English clubs are allowed back into Europe.

What exactly is sensationalist about it?

Usually victims of violence are only interviewed after the attack,

not before and during, as well.

Now, I'm not here, as you know.

Right after sir roysten's friendly takeover,

I made it crystal clear that decision-making was a ground level,

rather than an executive input.

Nevertheless, as the man in the street, who's not in the room,

I have to say, I liked it.

Well, I must say, there was some really great camera work

right in there amongst the hooligans.

That was Gerry, wasn't it?

Yep. How is he now, Damien?

Oh, he's much better. He's off the drip.

I really feel that that item...

Yes, well, of course, I'm not saying I'm not putting it out.

I'll almost certainly use it, probably,

but I might need to re-edit it, maybe.

And that is final, possibly?

Yes, well, if that's all, meeting over. Thank you, everyone.

George, Henry, Alex, can I borrow you, just for a moment?

Dave, what's this word the Americans keep using instead of blockade?

Interdiction. That's right.

Presumably, it's not gonna escalate into a war, but a police action.

And it won't end up as a nuclear holocaust, but as a bit of a Barney.

I'm a man of few words.

All I have to say is that, in my role as a support module to you,

in the front line, at the sharp end, decision makers,

it's been decided to upgrade our market profile

by hiring a new newscaster...

What? ..To work alongside Henry.

I've not been consulted on this!

And provided George is in full agreement.

Oh, for god's sake! Who is it, anyway?

Sally smedley.

Sally smedley?!

"Sally is an experienced journalist.

"She was a children's presenter at radio Leicester, devising...

"Devising, compiling and presenting smile-alonga-Sally.

"She did three months on the sofas at breakfast TV,

"and she's worked as an investigative journalist..."

"On John craven's newsround."

Gus, Susan is a highly-experienced and deeply-professional newsreader.

Sally smedley is... a bimbo.

No, no, no, she isn't.

Oh, no, you're right. I forgot.

She was expelled from the national union of bimbos for being too dim.

You've only gone for her because she's attractive.

Is she? She certainly is.

Henry, try not to drool on the photo.

Well, I suppose she is quite good-looking.

But, if anything, that counted against her.

The real question is... does little miss nagorno karabakh

out there stay?

Well, Susan, I feel sure, will be eager to push forward

the parameters of her career into new and fresh challenges

in exciting fields outside this organisation.

Oh, you're giving her the boot. Good.

Gus, Susan has worked with us for 15 years.

Are you seriously gonna go out there and tell her she's been fired?

Oh, no, George.

It would be wrong of me to interfere in any way in your operation.

I'm not telling her. I'll tell her.

No, no.

Gus, this decision has been reached entirely without consultation.

George, I've told you before, I am not here.

You are totally in control.

And if you want to review this situation when Sally arrives...

When does she arrive? In about 15 minutes.

Then, obviously... 15 minutes?!

We had to snap her up quickly, George, when we had the chance.

But she's only here for a trial period.

And if at any point you say she goes, she goes.

All right, but I'm holding you to that.

And another thing - no publicity.

I don't want the tabloids kicking down the door on this.

George, I promise you, it'll be terribly low-key.

Fanfare

reporters talk over each other

Sally, over here, Sally... Sally, over here...

Very low-key (!)

I'm surprised Gus didn't hire the red arrows!

Oh, they're fully booked, apparently.

Oh, I suppose we mustn't prejudge her.

Maybe she'll turn out to be really nice.

Maybe she'll fit in well with the team.

Maybe she's mother Teresa of Calcutta in disguise.

What's that? Nothing.

What are you running a book on now?

It's Henry's first words to Sally.

It's 7-1, "you're an attractive woman".

10-1, "if I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"

And 1,000-1, "fancy a shag?"

Where is Henry, anyway? Having a drink in his dressing room.

Well, in that case, "fancy a shag?" Is down to 10-1.

Dave, you're wasting office time, you know.

Absolutely.

I'll have a fiver on "you're a very attractive woman."

Gus: You know, I have always said it,

if you're nice to them, they'll be nice to you.

Oh, you're so right, Gus.

And I was saying as much to princess di only the other day.

Isn't she delightful?

Yes, isn't she?

I met her at a charity fashion show - frocks for famine.

I auctioned my hat for Eritrea. Oh...

Sally smedley, George dent.

George. The man who makes the decisions.

Dave charnley. Dave.

Damien day and Alex pates.

Hello, Alex. Wouldn't be a darling and get me a coffee, would you?

You're right, I wouldn't.

I'm the assistant editor, not the coffee fetcher.

Oh, I'm sorry, fancy mistaking you for an underling.

Can't imagine why I did that. Anyway, who's next?

Henry clears throat Henry Davenport, Sally smedley.

Pleased to meet you.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

Damien: Yeah!

Starting a new phase in my career, I hope.

I'm an experienced journalist...

Follow up to that bomb in nagorno karabakh.

Ah, the Russian place.

What did I tell you? The next Peter sissons.

News theme

good evening, I'm Sally smedley and here is the news.

In the house of commons today... Gus: Ah, hold it. Hold it.

I'm sorry, is there a problem?

Er, yeah. Sorry, Sally, I know this is just a rehearsal

but here we don't introduce ourselves before we read the news.

If you could just, you know, read what's on the autocue.

I thought it was nice and cosy.

Yes, good idea.

I know, let's have some China ducks going up the wall.

A nice crackling fire behind the news desk.

You can toast crumpets while Henry reads out the unemployment figures.

Look, is this damn silly rehearsal over?

No, it is not.

We're just trying to give Sally a sense of our style.

George, purely by way of information,

Sally's idea for an intro

is exactly the sort of informal approach sir roysten likes.

Yes, well, he's gonna have to start watching someone else's news

because it's certainly not happening here.

I like that.

You've the guts to take personal responsibility for a decision.

In history, I've always admired people like that.

People with that sort of courage.

Charles I, Joan of arc, Mary, queen of scots.

They were all executed.

Well, technically, yes, but they won the moral argument.

Sally: Excuse me.

In the football hooliganism item, the word after "chainsaws".

Shouldn't it read "machet-es" rather than "machetes"?

Yes, it does. Yes.

No, there's no accent over the "e".

That's because there isn't one on the typewriter for the autocue.

The one at John craven's newsround has one.

Also, "embedded". Doesn't that have two d's?

She can spell.

Yes.

Because otherwise I could read it out "embeaded in his skull".

Wouldn't be very good, would it? Sounds very silly.

Yeah, Sally, thank you very much.

George, big problem. That football club are claiming that

Damien got those supporters drunk deliberately.

Oh, god. Ah, look, er, that's all for now, everybody.

Thank you, Sally.

Right. Well, if anyone wants me, I'm at hatchards launching my book.

Your book?

Yes, it's all about how the successful woman today

can keep fit but stay feminine.

I'll bring you back a copy, Alex.

Thanks.

Alex, we've got a leak on the guildford four enquiry.

The somerset and avon police

say there's a Prima-facie case against four officers.

They won't get convicted, though. Why not?

You can't trust police evidence, can you?

I think it's a sad reflection on the intellectual capacity

of our police force if they can't frame four innocent people

without making it completely bloody obvious.

Yeah. There's a whisper going around

that they're very close to arresting an ira cell.

Oh, right. Have you got names?

Oh, no, they haven't decided who yet.

And so I said to heseltine, I said,

"Mike," I said, "just answer the bloody question."

Is that the vintage champagne? Si.

Excellent. You push off, I'll pour it.

I thought we'd celebrate your first appearance.

It's hardly my first appearance. I'm an exper...

..Experienced journalist. Oh, yes. You did jolly well today.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, jolly well, because a lot of girls your age

might've felt intimidated

presenting alongside a newsreader as vastly experienced as me.

But not you, Sally.

Cheers.

Of course, I've been at this game a long time, you know.

I know.

In fact, you're a bit of a heart-throb in our family.

Oh, really?

My grandmother has quite a thing about you.

Oh, really?

Yes, from your point of view,

watching an old warhorse like me in action might be rather rewarding.

Did you see my interview with heath in '74?

No. Took him to bits.

A lot of the commentators said it was me who cost him the election.

Really?

Yes. Do you know the secret of political interviewing?

No. You must listen very carefully to what they're saying.

You must try and understand their point of view,

and then you must ask yourself the crucial question -

"how can I stitch up this lying bastard?"

There. Some would pay a lot of money for that sort of advice.

Yes.

Actually, do you mind if I give you a bit of advice, Henry?

I'm sorry?

Only you did have a bit of trouble with that item on nagorno karabakh.

You see, you'd enunciate so much more clearly

if you opened your mouth that bit wider.

What? Yes, that's better.

And if you put the tip your tongue up to the top of your mouth,

would you say the 't' sound so much more clearly.

Quite frankly, my dear,

I'd rather put the tip of my tongue into someone else's mouth.

Sounds very unhygienic.

Waiter: Excuse me. I hope I'm not disturbing you...

Yes, you are! I just wanted to say, can I have an autograph?

Oh, all right, very well.

I'm a big fan of yours, miss smedley.

Who should I make it to?

Greaseball? Toni, with an 'i'.

To Toni. There you are.

Thank you, miss smedley. Nice of you to ask me.

God, how I hate these grubby little admirers.

Listen, now, where were we?

Pronunciation. Oh, yes, experience.

Do you know, Sally,

I think the combination of a lovely little filly like yourself,

next to a seasoned anchorman like me

could give our newscasts a certain vibrant sexual chemistry.

In fact, I think you could benefit from my experience in lots of ways.

Well, Henry, no-one can say you're not experienced.

In fact, the word I'd use is... old.

Old and raddled.

Old, raddled, pushy, arrogant

and, quite frankly, so physically repugnant,

I'd rather go to bed with a one-eyed, syphilitic warthog.

God, I do love it when women play hard to get.

Can you believe this?

They're talking about putting up the poll tax

to make up for the selfish gits who haven't paid any yet.

You haven't paid your poll tax. Oh, yeah, that's different.

I'm not paying on principle,

cos I feel it's a pernicious, undemocratic tax

that penalises the disadvantaged in our society.

And even more importantly...

You're skint. Correct.

Have you seen the tabloids?

Are they still leading on

"princess di wears bikini shock horror"?

No. Henry's fracas in an Italian restaurant.

They've all got it. Look. What?

"Newsroom Romeo's restaurant row". Dave giggles

"headline Henry's hanky panky havoc".

Oh, and the sun's got "fork off".

Why?

That's what Sally stuck in his hand, apparently.

There's a photo of Henry looking completely smashed.

When was this taken? Any night in the last 30 years.

Yes, can I help you?

Nice meal? Stifled giggles

do you know, I offered to take that woman to bed and she turned me down.

Incredible, isn't it?

You wouldn't take her for a lesbian, would you?

Poor girl, probably a hormone deficiency or something.

Just because a woman refuses sex with you,

it doesn't mean there's something's wrong with her hormones.

It does in my book.

What book's that? "Sexual harassment for beginners"?

Oh, look at this. They've got it wrong.

I didn't call that waiter a dirty dago,

I called him a filthy wop.

I pride myself on accurate bigotry.

Damien: Henry! Ah, Damien, I want a word with you.

In a sec, George. Well, did you sleep with her, then?

No! Right, that's a tenner you owe me.

Yeah, wait a minute. I've got to get 20 off Henry first.

Damien, I said now! Yeah, as soon as I get a coffee.

Well, I see we've made the headlines this morning.

Yes, it's a terrible mess.

Eh? Oh, yes, yes, terrible...

Very, very sad.

Are we in any of the other papers?

We're in all of them. Oh, dear (!)

Morning, everyone. Lots more news on Iraq, I see.

Well spotted.

I think we should just drop some nuclear weapons on them.

I mean, we've got the h-bomb, they haven't.

Thank you, Perez de cuellar.

Damien, in here. Now.

Listen, George, I did not buy those thugs

as much as a half a lager.

I got accounts to send up your expenses.

Did you?

Yes.

They include a receipt for 172 cans of kestrel,

three flagons of cider and eight bottles of whisky.

Well, it was during that hot spell that we had.

Oh, look, all right, George, it loosened their tongues.

It loosened their fists if Gerry's anything to go by!

172 cans of kestrel! How many of them were there?

Eight or nine.

Now, look, Damien... George, these people are Nazis.

Now, any tactic is valid if it exposes them for what they are.

That is my job.

Your job is to report the news.

It's just like that time during the world cup

when you got all those fans drunk so they'd abuse Colin moynihan.

George, you do not need to get people drunk

to make them abuse Colin moynihan.

Sally: Oh, my god! Oh, god, what's happening now?

Sally has just discovered that Henry's fed all her copies

of "slim-alonga-Sally" through the paper shredder.

You wait, George,

from now on it's going to be world war III out there.

Oh, I'm sure it'll all blow over.

Just give 'em a couple of days.

They'll be feeling much more relaxed.

Henry: On the day when the crisis intensified in the Gulf...

Stand-by vt...

There you are, you see? They're looking much more relaxed.

That is the news. We'll be back at six.

Well, tight-arse, you were total crap as always.

And so were you, you brain-dead geriatric dinosaur.

That cow's got to go!

She is useless!

Yesterday, we were discussing the cabinet

and I asked her what she thought of portillo.

She said she'd been there on her holidays but she preferred amalfi.

She's a monster.

She's been here three days

and already she's called Martin in sound a tone-deaf retard,

and she wants Gillian in makeup fired

because she says she's too ugly!

Yes, look, I do understand a lot of your complaints.

However, Gus has just given me a set of overnight figures

which would seem to suggest she's increasing our ratings considerably.

Right. Which is obviously the prime consideration.

I know, let's get Mel Gibson

to read the news in a black leather jockstrap,

while patsy kensit simulates sex with our new weatherman,

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Look, George, it's no use trying to pretend this isn't happening.

Now, Gus said she was here for a trial period

and the final decision was yours.

It's time you made it.

George, Alex is absolutely right.

In that case, let's put the water story in at number 18.

Yeah.

This hosepipe ban's driving me mad.

I hope it ends soon.

On Sunday, Margaret got me to make 42 separate trips round the garden

with a watering can.

And every time a helicopter flew overhead, she ran out and shouted,

"stand still!"

Anything else?

Yeah. Another rise in the number of suicides in prison.

Well, that's one way to reduce overcrowding, I suppose.

Number 32.

George, skipper, you wanted a word.

Oh, yes, Gus. Look, he wanted to tell you...

Yes, ok, I'll handle this. Thank you, Alex.

Yes, I wanted to tell you, Gus, I've made the decision over Sally.

I feel she's wrong, she's unpopular, and I feel she should go.

Fine, George. Well, you're the editor.

Yes, well, that's right, I am.

I mean, she's difficult, and very rude.

Everyone hates her.

She's totally despised by the staff.

She's deeply...

Deeply unpopular with the...

Another big statement from president bush

from inside a bunker.

A bunker? Yep.

Just off the 13th green.

When the going gets tough, the tough go golfing.

Hey, great news about the bonus. Thanks.

Do you want a cup of coffee, Sally? No, don't worry, I'll get it.

What bonus? Didn't I tell you?

Everyone's getting quite a substantial bonus.

What for?

For the ratings going up. I've memo-Ed all the staff

saying with Sally's arrival putting up the viewing figures,

I felt everyone should benefit.

It's nice to see so many happy faces, isn't it?

Now, you were saying about firing her.

Yes. Your decision, as I say.

Still, I know you're a man who can face unpopularity.

Oh, look, someone's bought her some flowers.

He has made his decision.

How about extending her trial period?

For how long?

About three years.

Certainly not.

Ok, George, but when she goes,

bang go the ratings and bang go the bonuses.

But don't worry,

I'm sure the staff won't hold you personally responsible.

Look, George has told you, Gus...

Yes, Gus, that's right. I'm not taking Sally on for three years.

Two years?

All right, fair enough.

You're a great decision maker, George.

Oh, George!

Two years of hell.

George, I've just has a shopkeeper on the line.

He says last week Damien wrote him a personal cheque and it bounced.

Probably for another 15 barrels of whisky.

Nope, he said it was for 30 copies of mein kampf,

five Nazi helmets,

and he says the swastika armbands came back damaged.

For god's sake.

Next thing we know, we'll have the Nazis complaining.

Sally: George? Oh, look, here comes one now.

George, I've been talking to my agent

and he agrees that it is patently absurd

I don't have my own personal hairdresser.

Yes, well, I'll consider it very carefully.

I certainly hope so.

George.

George, I hear Sally's staying.

Yeah, well, she's not exactly staying, staying.

I've only agreed to extending her trial period.

Yes, I had to, er, dig my heels in quite hard on that one.

Yep, so just how long is her trial period, then?

Two years. Damien!

Two years. You've done it again, you jammy git!

George, I had you down for five.

Gus: Alex, I'm not happy with our wording on the lord denning item.

Alex: We're just reporting the facts, Gus.

But he comes across as senile and totally bonkers.

We're just reporting the facts, Gus.

Look, denning says it was just a bit of fun.

And besides, he's making a perfectly valid point

about capital punishment.

I mean, all he's saying is,

if the guildford four had just been hanged,

then everyone would have been satisfied.

I don't think the Guilford four would have been very satisfied.

They'd have ended up as the guildford nought.

Look, lord denning is an institution.

He should be in an institution.

So I don't think we should be too provocative.

I'm sure there are other equally important stories we could lead on.

Oh, of course, yes.

I know, how about "prince Charles hugs woman in majorca"?

Oh, no, no, no. That's more of a third item.

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