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1
00:00:01,888 --> 00:00:04,823
- Merry Christmas Eve Eve, Jack.
- Likewise, Lemon.
2
00:00:04,925 --> 00:00:06,552
Is there any chance you'll still be
around tomorrow?
3
00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:08,019
Sure.
4
00:00:08,328 --> 00:00:09,590
Do you want to go
to the Penn Station K-Mart with me
5
00:00:09,696 --> 00:00:10,628
and then watch "Tootsie"?
6
00:00:10,730 --> 00:00:11,856
I'm sorry, that's what you're doing
7
00:00:11,965 --> 00:00:13,796
instead of spending Christmas Eve
with your family?
8
00:00:13,900 --> 00:00:16,562
It's my new thing,
travel on Christmas Day.
9
00:00:16,722 --> 00:00:19,386
That way I avoid the annual Lemon
family blow-up.
10
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:21,425
And this year,
it's gonna be a doozy.
11
00:00:21,535 --> 00:00:23,469
My Aunt Linda is bringing
her new boyfriend,
12
00:00:23,571 --> 00:00:25,869
who is neither her age
nor her race,
13
00:00:26,173 --> 00:00:29,802
and her ex-husband will also be there
with his date, alcoholism.
14
00:00:29,910 --> 00:00:32,310
I swoop in the next day
for presents and pie.
15
00:00:32,413 --> 00:00:34,176
Well, if you're around,
come by for dinner.
16
00:00:34,281 --> 00:00:37,512
Colleen will be up from Florida
and she'd love to see you.
17
00:00:37,618 --> 00:00:39,347
Because my youthful energy
makes her feel young?
18
00:00:39,453 --> 00:00:41,182
No, because she views you
as a peer
19
00:00:41,288 --> 00:00:44,382
she can complain with about how
no one wears pantyhose any longer.
20
00:00:44,492 --> 00:00:46,858
How are we supposed
to conceal our spider veins?
21
00:00:47,895 --> 00:00:49,920
Bare legged Christmas!
22
00:00:50,231 --> 00:00:50,856
Okay, guys,
23
00:00:50,965 --> 00:00:53,593
this KableTown promo
is the last thing we have to do
24
00:00:53,701 --> 00:00:54,895
before the holiday break.
25
00:00:55,202 --> 00:00:57,932
Liz Lemon, I cannot participate
in this promo.
26
00:00:58,239 --> 00:01:00,969
- Why?
- Because it's not honest.
27
00:01:01,275 --> 00:01:02,503
As an actor,
28
00:01:02,610 --> 00:01:06,478
it is my job to tell the truth,
hold a mirror to humanity,
29
00:01:06,580 --> 00:01:07,945
and to sell Proactiv.
30
00:01:08,249 --> 00:01:10,809
I will not spout your lies,
Liz Lemon!
31
00:01:10,918 --> 00:01:14,877
And I will not say,
"Merry Christmas from KableTown."
32
00:01:15,623 --> 00:01:17,523
Ever since Tracy got nominated
for a Golden Globe,
33
00:01:17,625 --> 00:01:18,717
he thinks he's Sean Penn.
34
00:01:18,826 --> 00:01:21,260
Well, they have both had screaming
fights with Wyclef Jean.
35
00:01:22,363 --> 00:01:23,295
We'll just do this without him.
36
00:01:23,397 --> 00:01:25,922
Merry Christmas, Jenna.
You can say both lines.
37
00:01:27,268 --> 00:01:30,931
"Merry Christmas from KableTown
and all of us at 'TGS."'
38
00:01:31,238 --> 00:01:32,762
I think we got it.
39
00:01:35,776 --> 00:01:36,800
Hey, are you okay?
40
00:01:38,713 --> 00:01:41,739
"Tom Ford and Elton John
invite you to New Queer's Eve."
41
00:01:41,849 --> 00:01:42,543
What is this?
44
00:01:49,890 --> 00:01:52,552
Also, replicas of The David
urinate vodka!
45
00:01:52,660 --> 00:01:54,252
Oh, God!
46
00:01:54,361 --> 00:01:56,761
Paul and I were going to come up
with an amazing couple's costume.
47
00:01:56,864 --> 00:01:59,731
But now that he's gone,
what's the point?
48
00:01:59,834 --> 00:02:01,461
This party means so much to me.
49
00:02:01,569 --> 00:02:03,434
I don't know what I'm going
to do without it!
50
00:02:03,537 --> 00:02:05,528
The party... or Paul?
51
00:02:05,639 --> 00:02:07,266
The party, Liz!
52
00:02:07,908 --> 00:02:08,772
Good news.
53
00:02:08,876 --> 00:02:10,639
We don't have to do
these promos after all.
54
00:02:10,745 --> 00:02:13,543
NBC says they want them
from every show but us.
55
00:02:13,647 --> 00:02:15,740
Good year, everyone!
56
00:02:35,636 --> 00:02:37,536
What Christmas card
did we end up sending out?
57
00:02:37,638 --> 00:02:39,936
Oh,
58
00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,975
"Happy Holidays
is what terrorists say.
59
00:02:43,077 --> 00:02:45,045
Merry Christmas, Avery and Jack."
60
00:02:47,815 --> 00:02:49,305
Oh, it's just Liz.
61
00:02:49,416 --> 00:02:50,474
Why do people always say that?
62
00:02:50,584 --> 00:02:52,984
Avery's keeping
her pregnancy a secret at work,
63
00:02:53,087 --> 00:02:54,054
so she's been carrying around
64
00:02:54,355 --> 00:02:55,879
large objects
whenever she's in the building.
65
00:02:55,990 --> 00:02:58,458
I was wondering what was up
with your show last night.
66
00:02:58,559 --> 00:02:59,583
The market rallying today
67
00:02:59,693 --> 00:03:01,558
despite a pullback in gold stocks.
68
00:03:01,662 --> 00:03:03,357
Anyway, I was gonna bring
dessert tomorrow.
69
00:03:03,464 --> 00:03:05,796
So, are any foods making you
nauseous lately?
70
00:03:05,900 --> 00:03:07,834
Please don't say
a half-sleeve of Oreos.
71
00:03:07,935 --> 00:03:08,959
Oh, I'm not gonna be there.
72
00:03:09,069 --> 00:03:11,594
I'm leaving tonight
to spend Christmas with my family.
73
00:03:11,705 --> 00:03:13,935
- Really?
- It's why I like dating older men.
74
00:03:14,041 --> 00:03:15,941
Their parents are usually
dead or senile
75
00:03:16,043 --> 00:03:18,102
so there's never an argument
about the holidays.
76
00:03:19,413 --> 00:03:20,107
Why aren't you and Colleen
going with her?
77
00:03:20,414 --> 00:03:21,711
Oh, you know.
78
00:03:21,816 --> 00:03:22,783
Colleen is frail,
79
00:03:22,883 --> 00:03:25,010
and Avery is in her third trimester.
80
00:03:26,387 --> 00:03:28,582
You haven't told Colleen
about the baby yet!
81
00:03:28,689 --> 00:03:29,621
What?
82
00:03:29,723 --> 00:03:31,418
I have been watching "The Mentalist"
a lot lately
83
00:03:31,525 --> 00:03:33,618
because my TV is on CBS
and I lost my remote.
84
00:03:33,727 --> 00:03:35,854
I think I've become
a body language expert.
85
00:03:35,963 --> 00:03:38,363
For instance, I can now tell
86
00:03:38,465 --> 00:03:41,832
that Jack wants to kill
the person to his right.
87
00:03:41,936 --> 00:03:43,631
Why haven't told her?
88
00:03:43,737 --> 00:03:45,898
I just haven't found the right time.
89
00:03:46,006 --> 00:03:47,473
- That is no excuse!
- I can't believe you haven't told...
90
00:03:47,575 --> 00:03:48,735
This is her granddaughter
that we are talking...
91
00:03:48,843 --> 00:03:51,641
I cannot have the two of you
on the same side of an argument!
92
00:03:51,745 --> 00:03:52,677
We Donaghys believe
93
00:03:52,780 --> 00:03:54,805
that when there's something at all
delicate to talk about,
94
00:03:54,915 --> 00:03:56,780
it is best to suppress it
95
00:03:56,884 --> 00:03:59,444
until it erupts into a fist fight
at a church barbecue.
96
00:03:59,553 --> 00:04:00,986
I understand all that, Jack.
97
00:04:01,088 --> 00:04:03,386
The symbol on the Jessup
family crest is a knight
98
00:04:03,490 --> 00:04:04,980
refusing to talk about his feelings.
99
00:04:05,092 --> 00:04:07,083
But this baby is not bad news.
100
00:04:07,394 --> 00:04:09,794
You don't know Colleen.
We're not married, Avery...
101
00:04:09,897 --> 00:04:12,559
Why should that matter?
She did the same thing.
102
00:04:12,666 --> 00:04:13,826
I mean, what did Colleen say
103
00:04:13,934 --> 00:04:15,731
when you told her
you knew about your real dad?
104
00:04:17,104 --> 00:04:18,935
You never told her about Milton,
either!
105
00:04:19,039 --> 00:04:20,563
I am "The Mentaliz"!
106
00:04:20,674 --> 00:04:22,107
- That was over a year ago!
- You have so many secrets!
107
00:04:22,409 --> 00:04:23,103
- How do you not get hives?
- How could you not tell her?
108
00:04:23,410 --> 00:04:25,503
For the love of God!
109
00:04:27,047 --> 00:04:28,173
Sir, this came for you.
110
00:04:28,482 --> 00:04:31,451
Thanks, K-L-M-N-O-P.
I've been waiting for this.
111
00:04:32,086 --> 00:04:35,078
Oh, I didn't know you made another
"Chunks" movie, Mr. Jordan.
112
00:04:35,189 --> 00:04:37,521
That first one was a classic!
113
00:04:37,625 --> 00:04:38,819
Dearly beloved,
114
00:04:38,926 --> 00:04:42,862
we are gathered here to celebrate
the life of Athea Chunk.
115
00:04:43,530 --> 00:04:44,087
Damn!
116
00:04:44,198 --> 00:04:45,187
That's funky!
117
00:04:45,866 --> 00:04:48,858
Obesity is killing
the African American community...
118
00:04:48,969 --> 00:04:50,095
with laughter!
119
00:04:50,204 --> 00:04:52,536
Yeah, well this sequel
is never coming out.
120
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,131
I bought the rights
so this movie won't be released.
121
00:04:55,442 --> 00:04:57,069
Why wouldn't you want people
to see your movie?
122
00:04:57,177 --> 00:04:58,576
It looks so funny.
123
00:04:58,679 --> 00:04:59,873
That's the problem, Ken.
124
00:04:59,980 --> 00:05:03,438
It's 67 minutes of me
acting like a hilarious fool.
125
00:05:03,550 --> 00:05:05,882
If this movie comes out
before the Golden Globes,
126
00:05:05,986 --> 00:05:07,715
it'll ruin my new image.
127
00:05:07,821 --> 00:05:10,847
Mr. Jordan, I thought you loved
acting like a fool.
128
00:05:10,958 --> 00:05:12,448
No, I don't.
129
00:05:13,627 --> 00:05:14,753
I'm lying!
130
00:05:14,862 --> 00:05:17,126
My favorite thing in the world
is making people laugh,
131
00:05:17,231 --> 00:05:18,630
but I can't now!
132
00:05:18,732 --> 00:05:20,757
I have to go on "Charlie Rose",
Kenneth!
133
00:05:20,868 --> 00:05:22,665
"Charlie Rose"!
134
00:05:22,770 --> 00:05:23,828
That's horrible!
135
00:05:23,938 --> 00:05:25,462
I have no choice.
136
00:05:25,572 --> 00:05:26,971
I gotta stay serious.
137
00:05:27,074 --> 00:05:29,702
From now on, the only movies
Tracy Jordan makes
138
00:05:29,810 --> 00:05:33,507
are about the Holocaust,
Georgia O'Keeffe, or both!
139
00:05:33,614 --> 00:05:36,947
I didn't care much
for the gazpacho soup.
140
00:05:37,051 --> 00:05:40,714
I mean, where's the fun of sending
it back because it isn't hot?
141
00:05:41,689 --> 00:05:42,212
Mother.
142
00:05:42,523 --> 00:05:43,854
Yes?
143
00:05:43,958 --> 00:05:46,222
Avery and I are having a baby.
144
00:05:47,494 --> 00:05:47,983
I see.
145
00:05:48,095 --> 00:05:50,586
May I remind you
this is good news?
146
00:05:50,698 --> 00:05:52,222
This is a disgrace!
147
00:05:52,533 --> 00:05:53,261
What are my chums
148
00:05:53,567 --> 00:05:58,095
at the Death Shore Retirement
Community going to say?
149
00:05:58,205 --> 00:06:01,697
When I tell them
that my unmarried son
150
00:06:01,809 --> 00:06:04,539
has knocked up a Protestant?
151
00:06:04,645 --> 00:06:08,206
I knew you'd do this.
Take a happy moment and ruin it.
152
00:06:08,515 --> 00:06:10,107
Just like you did
when I won that scholarship
153
00:06:10,217 --> 00:06:11,809
at my high school graduation.
154
00:06:11,919 --> 00:06:13,750
It should have gone
to the other boy!
155
00:06:13,854 --> 00:06:16,789
This is the reason I waited seven
months to tell you...
156
00:06:16,890 --> 00:06:19,188
You kept this
from your own mother?
157
00:06:19,293 --> 00:06:22,524
Oh, oh, Colleen.
Don't talk to me about secrets.
158
00:06:22,629 --> 00:06:23,789
I know some things you've done
159
00:06:23,897 --> 00:06:26,024
that you would not want me
to bring up right now.
160
00:06:26,133 --> 00:06:29,694
Most people thought I was a hero
161
00:06:29,803 --> 00:06:31,236
for killing Lydia's parrot.
162
00:06:32,206 --> 00:06:33,605
I'm going upstairs now
163
00:06:33,707 --> 00:06:38,804
and think about more comments
for tomorrow.
164
00:06:41,048 --> 00:06:43,209
This isn't over!
165
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:50,713
Jack! Guess what?
They just got Caller ID in Vermont!
166
00:06:50,824 --> 00:06:52,792
Milton, I hope you don't have plans
for tomorrow.
167
00:06:52,893 --> 00:06:54,224
I'm having a little Christmas dinner
168
00:06:54,328 --> 00:06:56,626
and I want you to be
my guest of honor.
169
00:06:56,730 --> 00:07:00,257
Well it is sudden, but yes, I'd love
to come to your holiday dinner.
170
00:07:00,567 --> 00:07:03,195
Christmas!
It's Christmas dinner!
171
00:07:09,275 --> 00:07:11,140
Hey, Rick, can you cover
Section 3 for me?
172
00:07:11,243 --> 00:07:12,267
I'm in the weeds.
173
00:07:12,378 --> 00:07:13,242
Oh, Liz.
174
00:07:13,345 --> 00:07:15,210
I'm sorry,
I thought you were a transvestite.
175
00:07:15,314 --> 00:07:17,441
Paul, I need to talk to you.
About Jenna.
176
00:07:18,717 --> 00:07:19,581
How is she?
177
00:07:19,685 --> 00:07:23,485
Honestly, I don't think I've seen her
this upset since Hurricane Katrina.
178
00:07:23,589 --> 00:07:26,251
The coverage pre-empted
a tampon commercial she was in.
179
00:07:26,659 --> 00:07:29,526
And she keeps trying to pretend
it's just about some New Year's party,
180
00:07:29,628 --> 00:07:32,096
but I think she misses you.
181
00:07:32,198 --> 00:07:33,130
I miss her, too.
182
00:07:33,232 --> 00:07:35,063
But it's over between us now.
183
00:07:35,167 --> 00:07:36,634
I don't even think
about Jenna anymore.
184
00:07:36,735 --> 00:07:38,134
I don't think about kissing her,
185
00:07:38,237 --> 00:07:39,761
or laughing with her,
186
00:07:40,072 --> 00:07:42,700
or photographing her with just
salamanders covering her nipples.
187
00:07:43,008 --> 00:07:46,034
When it's not meant to be,
it's not meant to be.
188
00:07:47,613 --> 00:07:50,343
You can't be on the floor
without your roller skates, Rick!
189
00:07:50,449 --> 00:07:51,711
I'm not Rick!
190
00:07:59,692 --> 00:08:00,624
Merry Christmas, Jack.
191
00:08:00,726 --> 00:08:02,489
Sorry, I finished the Oreos
in the cab.
192
00:08:02,595 --> 00:08:03,584
I'm glad you could make it, Lemon.
193
00:08:03,696 --> 00:08:07,063
Welcome to
my Christmas Attack Zone.
194
00:08:07,166 --> 00:08:08,292
Your what?
What does that mean?
195
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:11,198
Professor Milton Greene is on his
way here from Penn Station.
196
00:08:11,303 --> 00:08:15,069
Milton, your father, is coming here?
Please tell me that Colleen...
197
00:08:15,174 --> 00:08:16,766
Has no idea.
198
00:08:17,076 --> 00:08:19,101
The father that she hid from me
for 50 years,
199
00:08:19,211 --> 00:08:22,203
the that man she doesn't even know
I know exists,
200
00:08:22,314 --> 00:08:23,611
is joining us for supper.
201
00:08:23,716 --> 00:08:25,240
Red or white?
202
00:08:25,351 --> 00:08:26,784
White!
Jack, what are you doing?
203
00:08:27,086 --> 00:08:29,111
You promised me
a drama-free dinner!
204
00:08:29,221 --> 00:08:32,054
I could be sitting at the corner table
at the K-Mart Caf� right now!
205
00:08:32,525 --> 00:08:33,651
Oh, that must be dad.
206
00:08:33,759 --> 00:08:35,386
Wait, does Milton know
that Colleen is here?
207
00:08:35,494 --> 00:08:36,722
No, I want it all to be fresh.
208
00:08:36,829 --> 00:08:39,491
Will he erupt with anger
over her years of secrecy?
209
00:08:39,598 --> 00:08:40,292
Who knows.
210
00:08:40,399 --> 00:08:41,661
Milton's a hippie pacifist,
211
00:08:41,767 --> 00:08:42,734
but I once saw Colleen
212
00:08:42,835 --> 00:08:46,430
provoke a Buddhist monk
into whipping a battery at her.
213
00:08:50,342 --> 00:08:51,775
My boy!
214
00:08:52,077 --> 00:08:56,411
Oh, Jack, this is going to be the best
Winter's Eve Light Festival ever!
215
00:08:56,515 --> 00:08:57,777
Liz!
216
00:08:58,083 --> 00:09:00,483
And a happy
Whatever-You-Believe-ln, too!
217
00:09:00,586 --> 00:09:02,349
No.
I am not letting this happen.
218
00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:05,389
Milton, Jack has an ulterior motive
for bringing you here.
219
00:09:05,491 --> 00:09:06,617
Yes.
220
00:09:06,725 --> 00:09:08,124
It's true.
221
00:09:08,227 --> 00:09:09,251
You're going to be a grandfather.
222
00:09:09,361 --> 00:09:10,658
Oh, what a blessing!
223
00:09:10,763 --> 00:09:12,663
Life is beautiful!
224
00:09:12,765 --> 00:09:16,326
"Joy, beautiful spark of the gods,
225
00:09:16,435 --> 00:09:17,834
daughter of Elysium."
226
00:09:18,137 --> 00:09:19,729
And Liz, you're already showing!
227
00:09:19,838 --> 00:09:22,329
No, it's not me! And that is not
what he has to tell you.
228
00:09:22,441 --> 00:09:25,569
Colleen is here and Jack
is using you to ambush her!
229
00:09:25,678 --> 00:09:27,839
- Why would you do that?
- I'll tell you why.
230
00:09:28,147 --> 00:09:30,445
Because when my mother found out
about your granddaughter...
231
00:09:30,549 --> 00:09:32,278
It's a girl! She'll be intuitive!
232
00:09:32,384 --> 00:09:34,215
Colleen did not see it
as a "blessing."
233
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:35,685
She saw it as an embarrassment
234
00:09:35,788 --> 00:09:37,688
because my girlfriend Avery and I
are not married.
235
00:09:37,790 --> 00:09:40,759
An embarrassment?
She has no right to judge you.
236
00:09:40,859 --> 00:09:42,554
She needs to read my new book,
237
00:09:42,661 --> 00:09:44,856
"There's No Wrong Way
to Make a Family".
238
00:09:45,164 --> 00:09:45,721
That's for you.
239
00:09:45,831 --> 00:09:49,164
I agree with you, Milton.
But Colleen disapproves.
240
00:09:49,268 --> 00:09:51,828
Well, that's awfully hypocritical
for a woman who kept her son
241
00:09:52,137 --> 00:09:54,628
a secret from his own father!
242
00:09:54,740 --> 00:09:56,367
I'm gonna give her
a piece of my mind tonight.
243
00:09:56,475 --> 00:09:58,841
Oh, great, Avery's here.
And she looks mad.
244
00:09:59,144 --> 00:10:00,611
Jack, I got your message.
245
00:10:00,713 --> 00:10:03,773
How dare Colleen disapprove of me?
Of us?
246
00:10:03,882 --> 00:10:05,144
Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.
247
00:10:05,250 --> 00:10:07,150
I didn't mean for my message
to make you angry
248
00:10:07,252 --> 00:10:08,617
and have you come
all the way back here.
249
00:10:08,721 --> 00:10:11,622
Now there are three people here
that are mad at Colleen!
250
00:10:11,724 --> 00:10:13,191
Wait, this is Avery?
251
00:10:13,292 --> 00:10:16,887
How could that woman not adore
such a beautiful daughter-in-law?
252
00:10:17,196 --> 00:10:19,426
By the way, we have a tradition
in my family
253
00:10:19,531 --> 00:10:21,328
where we let
the child name itself.
254
00:10:21,433 --> 00:10:23,424
- Oh, yeah. That's hippie nonsense.
- Absolutely not.
255
00:10:23,535 --> 00:10:26,527
Well, suit yourself, but my son
Spider-Man turned out just fine.
256
00:10:26,639 --> 00:10:29,199
Okay, this is disgusting.
It is Christmas.
257
00:10:29,308 --> 00:10:31,208
You are not going to ambush
an old woman
258
00:10:31,310 --> 00:10:32,607
for the mistakes that she has made.
259
00:10:32,711 --> 00:10:34,542
I mean, who hasn't made mistakes?
260
00:10:34,647 --> 00:10:36,581
I once French-kissed a dog
at a party
261
00:10:36,682 --> 00:10:39,276
to try to impress what turned out
to be a very tall 12-year-old.
262
00:10:39,385 --> 00:10:40,682
Lemon, we all know
what mistakes are!
263
00:10:40,786 --> 00:10:44,745
I'm going to go tell Colleen what's
happening while you all calm down.
264
00:10:44,857 --> 00:10:45,789
Where is her room?
265
00:10:47,826 --> 00:10:50,317
Don't worry.
I sent her to the East Wing.
266
00:10:50,429 --> 00:10:51,453
It's very confusing.
267
00:10:51,563 --> 00:10:53,758
It was designed by M.C. Escher.
268
00:10:53,866 --> 00:10:54,890
These stairs are weird!
269
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,725
Mother!
270
00:10:57,836 --> 00:10:59,235
Dinner is ready!
271
00:11:00,472 --> 00:11:02,201
What are you doing here, sir?
272
00:11:02,307 --> 00:11:04,935
I wasn't setting this up because
I'm spending Christmas at work.
273
00:11:05,244 --> 00:11:09,840
I certainly wasn't going to pretend
those trash cans were my parents.
274
00:11:09,948 --> 00:11:13,748
I here picking up a serious outfit
from wardrobe for my event later.
275
00:11:13,852 --> 00:11:15,820
All the big actors do charity work
on Christmas Eve.
276
00:11:15,921 --> 00:11:17,718
Russell Crowe is having an auction
277
00:11:17,823 --> 00:11:19,882
to benefit the victims
of his own mood swings.
278
00:11:19,992 --> 00:11:21,687
So what are you doing, sir?
279
00:11:21,794 --> 00:11:23,694
Screening my very sad movie,
"Hard to Watch",
280
00:11:23,796 --> 00:11:24,888
at a women's shelter.
281
00:11:24,997 --> 00:11:26,555
It's gonna be real depressing.
282
00:11:26,665 --> 00:11:28,724
I hate seeing you like this, sir.
283
00:11:28,834 --> 00:11:31,394
And you ruined Ludachristmas.
284
00:11:31,503 --> 00:11:35,906
In the Darfur region,
the dead may be the lucky ones.
285
00:11:36,008 --> 00:11:36,975
Next slide.
286
00:11:37,643 --> 00:11:38,905
What else can I do, Kenneth?
287
00:11:39,011 --> 00:11:41,912
People only take you seriously
if you're serious.
288
00:11:42,014 --> 00:11:44,744
But comedy is just as important
as drama.
289
00:11:44,850 --> 00:11:48,342
People need to laugh,
especially in these tough times.
290
00:11:48,454 --> 00:11:51,890
And after all, isn't laughter
the best medicine?
291
00:11:51,990 --> 00:11:54,686
Except for insulin, spironolactone,
and bupropion,
292
00:11:54,793 --> 00:11:55,953
which I have for you
whenever you're ready, sir.
293
00:11:59,264 --> 00:12:00,026
Mother, you look lovely.
294
00:12:00,332 --> 00:12:01,594
I see you've brought the bag
295
00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:04,965
that my bastard grandchild
will come in.
296
00:12:05,270 --> 00:12:06,828
Merry Christmas, Mrs. Donaghy.
297
00:12:06,939 --> 00:12:09,737
My gift to you is the feeling
of superiority you'll have
298
00:12:09,842 --> 00:12:11,309
for the next two seconds.
299
00:12:11,410 --> 00:12:12,434
Is she drunk, Jack?
300
00:12:12,544 --> 00:12:13,738
Because you know
when you're pregnant,
301
00:12:13,846 --> 00:12:15,837
one bottle of wine a day
and that's it.
302
00:12:15,948 --> 00:12:19,384
Mother, you must remember
Milton Greene.
303
00:12:19,485 --> 00:12:23,012
My father.
And your shameful sex secret.
304
00:12:23,322 --> 00:12:25,654
Why would you bring him here?
305
00:12:25,758 --> 00:12:27,453
Oh, I see.
306
00:12:27,559 --> 00:12:30,323
You're trying to make me look
like the bad guy, is that it?
307
00:12:30,429 --> 00:12:33,694
You are the bad guy! You kept me
from my son for 50 years!
308
00:12:33,799 --> 00:12:34,663
You didn't miss much.
309
00:12:34,767 --> 00:12:37,327
He's a good boy.
He got me a kidney!
310
00:12:37,436 --> 00:12:38,698
From Elvis Costello!
311
00:12:38,804 --> 00:12:41,466
All that time lost
because of you and your pride.
312
00:12:41,573 --> 00:12:43,404
And think of what I've lost.
313
00:12:43,509 --> 00:12:46,501
Going on father and son
Habitat for Humanity builds
314
00:12:46,612 --> 00:12:49,445
and road trips in my VW van!
315
00:12:49,548 --> 00:12:51,709
Yeah! Or other things!
316
00:12:51,817 --> 00:12:54,581
And then you dare to judge us
and our life decisions?
317
00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:55,812
Who do you think you are?
318
00:12:55,921 --> 00:12:58,788
God, this house is enormous!
319
00:12:58,891 --> 00:12:59,983
Oh, hi, Colleen.
320
00:13:00,092 --> 00:13:01,423
I tried to stop this.
321
00:13:01,527 --> 00:13:03,995
Well, Mother,
what do you have to say for yourself?
322
00:13:05,898 --> 00:13:07,866
It's speechless!
323
00:13:07,966 --> 00:13:09,456
Merry Christmas!
324
00:13:09,568 --> 00:13:11,832
Merry Christmas one and all!
325
00:13:35,359 --> 00:13:37,919
Jenna, this dinner is a disaster.
326
00:13:37,629 --> 00:13:38,857
My life is ruined!
327
00:13:38,963 --> 00:13:40,794
I just came up with the perfect...
328
00:13:40,898 --> 00:13:42,866
...couple's costume
for New Queer's Eve
329
00:13:42,967 --> 00:13:45,527
and I can't use it
because of stupid Paul!
330
00:13:45,637 --> 00:13:46,535
You know what?
331
00:13:46,638 --> 00:13:47,866
The reason I'm not
with my family right now
332
00:13:47,972 --> 00:13:49,337
is because I didn't want any drama!
333
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:50,236
And that's all I'm getting.
334
00:13:50,341 --> 00:13:52,502
First from these jagwagons,
and now you!
335
00:13:52,610 --> 00:13:55,238
Paul is the reason you're upset.It's not about this party...
336
00:13:55,346 --> 00:13:57,337
It's about the party!
337
00:13:57,448 --> 00:14:01,214
I want to eat shrimp off an old gay
dressed as Baby New Year!
338
00:14:04,989 --> 00:14:06,547
Hi, Colleen.
339
00:14:06,658 --> 00:14:07,750
Are you all right?
340
00:14:07,859 --> 00:14:09,793
Just thinking about my next move.
341
00:14:09,894 --> 00:14:11,953
No, no, what next move?
342
00:14:12,263 --> 00:14:14,959
This thing hasn't even started.
343
00:14:15,266 --> 00:14:18,793
Welcome to my
Christmas Attack Zone.
344
00:14:20,438 --> 00:14:23,271
Ladies of the battered women's
shelter, please be quiet.
345
00:14:23,374 --> 00:14:24,773
A man is talking.
346
00:14:26,277 --> 00:14:27,505
You are about to watch a film
347
00:14:27,612 --> 00:14:30,877
that holds a mirror up
to your own terrible lives.
348
00:14:30,982 --> 00:14:33,746
You're gonna see poverty,
drug abuse,
349
00:14:33,851 --> 00:14:36,319
and a bunch of babies having
a hammer fight in a dumpster.
350
00:14:38,322 --> 00:14:41,723
Comedy is just asimportant-portant-portant...
351
00:14:41,826 --> 00:14:45,694
Laughter is the bestmedicine-medicine-medicine...
352
00:14:45,797 --> 00:14:48,698
Damn it!
I can't get Kenneth out of my head.
353
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,665
Actually, he's behind you, Tray.
354
00:14:50,768 --> 00:14:53,498
He rode over here with us.
You talked to him the whole ride.
355
00:14:53,604 --> 00:14:55,936
Well, he's right!
People do need to laugh.
356
00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:57,507
And I'm the medicine.
357
00:14:58,342 --> 00:14:59,309
What are you doing?
358
00:14:59,410 --> 00:15:01,571
Something I should have done
a long time ago.
359
00:15:01,679 --> 00:15:03,647
"A long time ago"?
You just got here.
360
00:15:03,748 --> 00:15:06,012
Shut up, Dotcom.
361
00:15:08,386 --> 00:15:09,683
Ladies and children,
362
00:15:09,787 --> 00:15:13,655
I give you "The Chunks 2:
A Very Chunky Christmas"!
363
00:15:13,758 --> 00:15:15,692
Lights!
364
00:15:18,563 --> 00:15:21,031
Damn Christmas lightsblew a fuse...
365
00:15:34,545 --> 00:15:37,810
Well, this has turned out
to be the opposite of what I wanted
366
00:15:37,915 --> 00:15:40,509
and I'm gonna leave
before anything else happens.
367
00:15:40,618 --> 00:15:41,880
- So...
- Oh, my God.
368
00:15:41,986 --> 00:15:45,353
My arm! It's numb!
369
00:15:45,456 --> 00:15:46,616
What are you doing now, Mother?
370
00:15:46,724 --> 00:15:48,658
I think... the stress...
371
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:50,318
Don't go to her!
372
00:15:50,428 --> 00:15:51,588
Do you have shortness of breath?
373
00:15:51,696 --> 00:15:53,687
Are you sweating?
Do you have neck or jaw pain?
374
00:15:53,798 --> 00:15:55,732
I've had a couple rich men
die on top of me.
375
00:15:55,833 --> 00:15:57,767
It's like something...
376
00:15:57,869 --> 00:15:59,461
like my son...
377
00:15:59,570 --> 00:16:01,800
sitting on my chest.
378
00:16:01,906 --> 00:16:03,498
We should call an ambulance.
379
00:16:03,608 --> 00:16:05,633
We are not calling anyone!
380
00:16:05,743 --> 00:16:07,506
What's the matter with you?
Your mother is not well!
381
00:16:07,612 --> 00:16:10,012
Can't you see that she's faking,
Milton!
382
00:16:10,915 --> 00:16:12,041
There! Did anybody see that?
383
00:16:15,453 --> 00:16:17,045
We have to call an ambulance.
384
00:16:17,355 --> 00:16:19,084
Listen to me, damn it,
I'm a doctor!
385
00:16:19,390 --> 00:16:20,448
Of history!
386
00:16:20,558 --> 00:16:23,356
In what emergency
would you be necessary?
387
00:16:23,461 --> 00:16:26,089
If someone wanted to know whether
the '60s were awesome or not?
388
00:16:26,397 --> 00:16:27,955
- They were!
- You hang in there.
389
00:16:28,065 --> 00:16:29,532
You need to meet our daughter.
390
00:16:29,634 --> 00:16:31,124
Little Colleen.
391
00:16:31,435 --> 00:16:36,930
Seems like people are back
on my side, Jackie.
392
00:16:40,645 --> 00:16:42,442
Paul. My ex-lover.
393
00:16:42,547 --> 00:16:44,913
Listen, I'm not here
because I want to get back together.
394
00:16:45,016 --> 00:16:48,713
Good. Me neither.
395
00:16:49,420 --> 00:16:51,911
Can I get you a cup of coffee
or an absinthe enema?
396
00:16:52,023 --> 00:16:54,457
No, thank you, I can't stay.
397
00:16:54,559 --> 00:16:55,719
I just wanted to let you know
398
00:16:55,827 --> 00:16:58,853
that I had an amazing idea
for a couple's costume...
399
00:16:58,963 --> 00:17:01,693
Well, so did I.
What's yours?
400
00:17:01,799 --> 00:17:03,858
Maybe we should just say them
at the same time
401
00:17:03,968 --> 00:17:05,492
and see what happens?
402
00:17:05,603 --> 00:17:07,002
- You dress as Natalie Portman...
- I dress as Natalie Portman...
403
00:17:07,104 --> 00:17:08,571
...from the movie "Black Swan"...
...from the movie "Black Swan"...
404
00:17:08,673 --> 00:17:09,105
...and I dress as...
...and you dress as...
405
00:17:09,407 --> 00:17:10,533
...former Pittsburgh Steelers...
...former Pittsburgh Steelers...
406
00:17:10,641 --> 00:17:11,608
...wide receiver...
...wide receiver...
407
00:17:11,709 --> 00:17:12,175
...and Pennsylvania...
...and Pennsylvania...
408
00:17:12,476 --> 00:17:13,465
...gubernatorial nominee...
...gubernatorial nominee...
409
00:17:13,578 --> 00:17:14,670
...Lynn Swann!
...Lynn Swann!
410
00:17:14,779 --> 00:17:17,009
- We're two black swans!
- We're two black swans!
411
00:17:18,950 --> 00:17:23,546
Well, it is a Druid Solstice
miracle that it wasn't a heart attack.
412
00:17:23,654 --> 00:17:25,622
Yes, I do believe a heart
is required.
413
00:17:25,723 --> 00:17:27,088
That is enough, Jack!
414
00:17:27,191 --> 00:17:28,988
What happened tonight
was so scary.
415
00:17:29,093 --> 00:17:30,560
And the reason that it happened
416
00:17:30,661 --> 00:17:32,686
is that we were not being honest
with each other.
417
00:17:32,797 --> 00:17:35,960
So from now on,
no more secrets.
418
00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:38,194
Okay, I'll go first.
419
00:17:38,502 --> 00:17:40,026
I have a crush on the Mentalist...
420
00:17:40,137 --> 00:17:41,866
Just family only, Lemon!
Damn it!
421
00:17:41,973 --> 00:17:46,706
There is one more secret Jack and I
have been keeping from all of you.
422
00:17:48,112 --> 00:17:50,774
We were planning to elope
in the Caribbean over New Year's,
423
00:17:50,882 --> 00:17:52,474
but now we want you all to come.
424
00:17:52,583 --> 00:17:55,074
Oh, how wonderful!
425
00:17:55,186 --> 00:17:56,653
You know what I learned tonight?
426
00:17:56,754 --> 00:17:57,812
As hard as you try,
427
00:17:57,922 --> 00:18:00,220
no one can escape
the horror of Christmas.
428
00:18:00,524 --> 00:18:02,822
So it might as well
be with your own family.
429
00:18:02,927 --> 00:18:04,986
I'm going to go get a bus
to White Haven now
430
00:18:05,096 --> 00:18:06,620
and I should be home
431
00:18:06,731 --> 00:18:09,165
just in time for Aunt Linda
to try to prove that she's sober
432
00:18:09,467 --> 00:18:11,128
by holding someone's baby
while cooking.
433
00:18:11,235 --> 00:18:12,702
Listen, Jackie.
434
00:18:12,803 --> 00:18:17,103
Everything I've ever done in life
has been to protect you.
435
00:18:17,208 --> 00:18:18,732
I know.
436
00:18:18,843 --> 00:18:21,471
And if I got upset earlier,
437
00:18:21,579 --> 00:18:26,016
it's because I want your life
to be perfect.
438
00:18:26,117 --> 00:18:28,915
- Unlike mine.
- Don't let him off the hook, Colleen.
439
00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:32,547
What he did tonight was wrong
and he owes you an apology.
440
00:18:32,657 --> 00:18:33,589
He's right.
441
00:18:33,691 --> 00:18:35,886
I almost died.
442
00:18:35,993 --> 00:18:40,191
And using your father
like that is so disrespectful.
443
00:18:40,498 --> 00:18:42,090
He's a doctor, for God's sakes!
444
00:18:42,199 --> 00:18:45,532
Your mother and I are very
disappointed in you, Jack!
445
00:18:45,636 --> 00:18:48,662
What are you smiling at,
you fruitcake?
446
00:18:48,773 --> 00:18:51,867
Just my mom and dad...
yelling at me...
447
00:18:51,976 --> 00:18:52,670
together.
448
00:18:52,777 --> 00:18:56,577
Milton, the Clinton boom years were
just an after-effect of Reaganomics.
449
00:18:56,681 --> 00:19:00,674
And, Mother, you cannot invite
anyone to the wedding.
450
00:19:00,785 --> 00:19:01,979
- Fascist pig!
- What happened to the heart attack?
451
00:19:02,086 --> 00:19:03,986
Let me tell you about this talk
about Reaganomics...
452
00:19:04,088 --> 00:19:06,682
- I gave you a home for so long.
- No, you insult your own intelligence.
453
00:19:06,791 --> 00:19:09,055
I'll invite anybody I want
to this wedding!
454
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:10,058
To this wedding
or any other wedding!
455
00:19:10,161 --> 00:19:12,959
You sound like
a typical capitalist pig!
456
00:19:13,064 --> 00:19:15,157
Merry Christmas.
457
00:19:19,236 --> 00:19:22,899
Long lay the world
458
00:19:23,007 --> 00:19:27,842
In sin and darkness pining
459
00:19:27,945 --> 00:19:30,573
'Til He appeared
460
00:19:30,681 --> 00:19:36,847
And the soul felt his worth
461
00:19:36,954 --> 00:19:41,015
A thrill of hope
462
00:19:41,125 --> 00:19:44,891
The weary world rejoices
463
00:19:44,996 --> 00:19:48,898
For yonder brakes
464
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:53,596
A new and glorious morn
465
00:19:53,704 --> 00:20:00,701
Fall on your knees
466
00:20:00,811 --> 00:20:08,741
Oh, hear the angel voices
467
00:20:08,853 --> 00:20:16,123
Oh, night devine
468
00:20:16,227 --> 00:20:24,327
Oh, night when Christ was born
469
00:20:24,635 --> 00:20:32,337
Oh, night devine
470
00:20:32,643 --> 00:20:38,843
Oh, night when Christ was born
471
00:20:40,816 --> 00:20:45,219
Oh, holy night
472
00:20:45,421 --> 00:20:52,793
The stars are brightly shining
473
00:20:52,795 --> 00:20:59,667
It is the nightof the dear Savior's birth
474
00:20:59,769 --> 00:21:03,963
And hope everybody,
everybody have a merry Christmas.
475
00:21:03,973 --> 00:21:06,601
And somebody needs to clean
this table up. It's disgusting.
476
00:21:06,909 --> 00:21:07,967
Fred, wake up!
477
00:21:08,077 --> 00:21:10,204
Merry Christmas from the Chucks!
478
02:00:03,761 --> 02:00:03,761
[Dinsdale]
36632
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