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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,960 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:22,520 DOOR OPENS 3 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:26,040 SHE SIGHS 4 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:26,040 I'm off now. 5 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:27,360 OK. 6 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,160 Are you gonna be all right getting to work? 7 00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:33,480 Yes, don't worry. 8 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:36,320 I'm not worried. Why would I be worried? 9 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:37,960 HE CHUCKLES 10 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:37,960 No reason. 11 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,920 Go. I'm fine. 12 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,560 OK, I'll see you later. Yep. 13 00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:44,640 SHE SIGHS 14 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:47,920 HE BREATHES ANXIOUSLY 15 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,200 CALENDAR CLICKS 16 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,520 HE BREATHES ANXIOUSLY 17 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,520 DOOR CLOSES 18 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,120 CAT GROWLS 19 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:38,240 CROAKY VOICE: Hi, Peggy. It's Gareth. 20 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:41,080 I'm not...feeling too great, to be honest. 21 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:43,680 It must've come on overnight. 22 00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:47,080 Yeah, yeah, I... I think I better had. 23 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:50,320 Would you tell Dean I won't be in today? 24 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:51,800 Oh, thanks, Peggy. 25 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:52,880 Bye. 26 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,480 MAGPIE CAWS 27 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:01,320 NORMAL VOICE: One, two, three. 28 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:02,840 Good morning, Mr Magpie. 29 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:05,440 I'm sorry you're on your own. 30 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:09,360 So, now I've used up all my sorrow, nothing bad can happen. 31 00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:11,880 Understand? 32 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,040 MAGPIE CAWS 33 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:23,440 DERMOT O'LEARY: So, 0808 1570685 34 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,160 is the number to call for 35 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,160 today's very special phone-in. 36 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,160 GARETH SIGHS 37 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,080 Hoping to hear from you this Friday morning, 38 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:31,240 but it's not any old Friday morning, it's Friday the 13th! 39 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,600 So, no doubt you're all taking extra care of yourselves 40 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:36,080 and you won't end up in A&E, having driven into a lamppost! 41 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:39,240 Our fantastic NHS staff are gonna be just twiddling their thumbs today. 42 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:41,520 Nothing to do - everyone's being so careful. 43 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:44,640 Well, I hope you get to put your feet up and have a well-deserved rest. 44 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:46,400 Here's a song just for you. 45 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,360 MUSIC PLAYS 46 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,440 DOORBELL RINGS 47 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:51,800 WOMAN: Hello? 48 00:02:58,480 --> 00:02:59,600 MUSIC STOPS 49 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,080 You've reached the Dermot O'Leary... PHONE CLATTERS 50 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:28,440 Oh, hello. 51 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:29,960 You're in. That's lucky. 52 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,680 I've got a parcel for ya. 53 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,240 Just, er, leave it on the doorstep, thanks. 54 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:37,320 Oh, I can't. You've got to sign for it. 55 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:40,520 Ugh. Could you come back later? My wife will be in. 56 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,960 Oh, not really. I've got a round to do. 57 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:46,560 Besides, I think it's for you. Er, Gareth Beckman? 58 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,880 Yes, yes, that's me. 59 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:51,280 Well, if you can't do it today, it'll have to go back to the sorting office, 60 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:54,400 and what with it being Friday, it'll be stuck there all weekend. 61 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,280 All right. Fine. 62 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,920 Your pen's not working. Have you got another one? 63 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:09,920 Oh, no. Sorry, love. 64 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:12,360 We usually have them digital ones where you use your finger, 65 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:13,800 but I dropped mine this morning 66 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,440 while I were unwrapping a Belvita and it broke. 67 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:17,960 Device, not the Belvita. 68 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,000 Wait there. 69 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,400 Don't come in! 70 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:22,680 Please. 71 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,440 Not a single bloody pen! 72 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:35,720 DRAWER JAMS 73 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:36,920 Ow. 74 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,480 Damn it! 75 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:41,400 Sorry, I couldn't just quickly use your loo, could I? 76 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:44,440 I literally just told you not to come in. I'm busting. 77 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,680 Dr Mikos says I've got to stay hydrated cos of my condition, 78 00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:50,640 but I can't just nip behind a privet like a man does, can I? 79 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:54,440 Me friend Enid got me one of them Shewees - you know, where you funnel it - 80 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:56,000 but me aim was off. 81 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,840 Ruined a good pair of Uggs, that did. Yeah. I'm sorry, no. 82 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,840 I'm not going for a crafty poo 83 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,840 if that's what you think. 84 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,840 PHONE RINGS 85 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:04,480 All right! Look, it's through there. Just be quick. 86 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:09,600 Hello? 87 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:13,520 Ah, yes. Well, I wanted to point out to Dermot O'Leary 88 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,880 that a study conducted in 1993 89 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:18,520 by Scanlon, Luben, Scanlon and Singleton 90 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,920 concluded that the risk of hospital admission 91 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:25,040 actually goes up by as much as 52% on Friday the 13th, 92 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,640 so, you know, get your facts right and stop broadcasting 93 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,200 such irresponsible crap! 94 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,880 Yes, you're welcome. Goodbye. 95 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:35,880 HE SCRIBBLES 96 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:37,200 MAIL CARRIER KNOCKS 97 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:37,200 Hello? 98 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,040 What's wrong? I can't get out! 99 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,600 What do you mean? Just unlock the door. 100 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:45,560 DOOR RATTLES 101 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:45,560 I can't! The handle's broke. 102 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:53,280 What have you done to it? 103 00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:56,520 Nothing! It just came off in me hand. 104 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:59,560 Could you hurry up, please? I don't like confined spaces. 105 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:01,840 I need to get a screwdriver. Wait there. 106 00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:04,080 I don't have much choice, do I? 107 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:05,560 No. Out. 108 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:05,560 CAT MEOWS 109 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:08,200 Hey, you, get out! I can't! 110 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:09,280 Not you! 111 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,560 CAT GROWLS 112 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,480 Hello... 113 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:23,800 Hello. What are you doing under there? 114 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:24,920 Hey? 115 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,040 CAT HISSES 116 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,040 Argh! 117 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:27,920 Shit! 118 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,360 HE SIGHS 119 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,440 HE MAKES KISSING NOISES 120 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,080 Hello. 121 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:37,400 HE MAKES KISSING NOISES 122 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,200 Come on! 123 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,840 CAT GROWLS 124 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,840 Come on. 125 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:46,000 SINGSONG: Here, come on, where are you? 126 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,200 HE MAKES KISSING NOISES 127 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,240 Come on... 128 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:51,320 Hello! 129 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:52,560 CAT YOWLS 130 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:04,280 CAT MEOWS 131 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,680 HE SIGHS 132 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:09,240 OK... 133 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,840 Do you know... 134 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:18,600 ...a man came up to me the other day and said, "Have you seen my cat? 135 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,720 "He's got black fur, 136 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:22,800 "patchy with mange. 137 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,120 "He's missing his right ear, 138 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,600 "he's blind in one eye, 139 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:30,040 "and only has three legs 140 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,400 "due to a recent traffic accident." 141 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:36,400 I said, "What's his name?" 142 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,520 And the man said... 143 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:39,560 ..."Lucky." 144 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,520 WATER SPRAYS FIERCELY 145 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:44,560 CAT MEOWS 146 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:54,360 WATER TURNS OFF 147 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:58,400 MAIL CARRIER: I'm not being funny, but I've got library books 148 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,280 that need taking back! 149 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,640 HE SIGHS 150 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,720 Dr Mikos said there's a danger of me having a fit. 151 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:12,560 Oh, for fuck's sake! 152 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,440 Who are you? 153 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,280 Barry Styles, locksmith. 154 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:30,760 Apparently, you've trapped a lady in your downstairs toilet. 155 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,960 I didn't trap her. She went in of her own accord! 156 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,800 I don't need to know the details, sir. 157 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:37,520 I just need you to know it's an £80 call-out fee. 158 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,480 HE SIGHS 159 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,480 Get me out! I can't breathe! 160 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,400 I'm not paying that. I didn't call you. 161 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:44,200 I'll pay it! I'll pay anything. Just get me out! 162 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,960 I was about to get you out. I just need to get a screwdriver! 163 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,560 Can you move this? Yeah. Sorry about that. 164 00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:51,800 I have to bring everything in from 165 00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:51,800 the van or it all gets nicked! 166 00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:51,800 PHONE RINGS 167 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,240 Kids today! I don't know! 168 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:55,080 Can you shift it, please? I can't get by. 169 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:56,400 One sec. 170 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,920 Hiya, love. Did you find it all right? 171 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:01,640 Yeah, I'm at number 9... 172 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:03,360 HE BREATHES QUICKLY 173 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,680 HE WHIMPERS 174 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,360 I'm getting a bit dizzy! 175 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:12,640 I'm coming! Just... 176 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,840 Ooh, this might set me fits off! Hold on. 177 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:36,880 What's going on? I can hear banging! 178 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:44,880 Hello! 179 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,200 I've got tinnitus as well, you know! 180 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,600 Ever since I saw Whitesnake at the Albert Hall. 181 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:05,760 Huh! I told them the speakers were too loud! 182 00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:07,840 I wrote them a letter, 183 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,680 but I didn't hear anything back. 184 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,520 Well, apart from my tinnitus. 185 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,720 I'm not paying if I need syringing again! 186 00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:22,840 Oh, no. 187 00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:34,000 Oh! 188 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,760 THUDDING CLATTERING 189 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,920 Oh, dear me, I'm sorry about that. 190 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:39,120 Are you all right? 191 00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:40,600 Yes, I'm fine. 192 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,720 I just want both of you to leave as soon as possible. 193 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,720 I can't have people in the house today. 194 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,400 Grandad! Grandad! Hello, cherub! 195 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:49,640 Who's this, now? 196 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,560 This is me granddaughter, Bethany. 197 00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:53,840 I've just gotta look after her for a couple of hours. 198 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,640 Me daughter-in-law's got band practice. 199 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,680 Thanks for doing this, Barry. 200 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,680 GARETH GASPS 201 00:10:57,680 --> 00:10:58,720 I won't be long. 202 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,560 I'll leave her bag with you. 203 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:01,840 Oh, hello! 204 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,200 Are you the fella that's locked a woman in his toilet? 205 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,800 WOMAN: Yes, he is! No, I'm not. 206 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:07,760 Well, Bethany will be no trouble. 207 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,760 It's just we've got a special gig today 208 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:11,800 and we need to work on My Ding-a-Ling. 209 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:13,520 Can I ask you to step outside, please? 210 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,400 One second. I've got to sort her lunch box. 211 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,480 I can't have those in here! Those what? 212 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,520 Peacock feathers. Are you allergic? 213 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,480 Yes, to the evil eye, and you're covered in them 214 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:22,760 and they're incredibly bad luck! 215 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,920 Don't say that. They're lovely. 216 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,160 Look, feel them. 217 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:29,120 Urgh, get them away from me! Get out! Get out, get out! 218 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:32,160 Hey, hey, come on, now. There's no need for that! 219 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:33,600 It's all right, Barry. 220 00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:35,640 Now, you be a good girl for Grandad 221 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,480 and Mummy will see you later. 222 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,720 Is there any chance I could nip to your upstairs loo? 223 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:41,000 Definitely not. Why? 224 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,440 Because we can't cross on the stairs. 225 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,080 Someone obviously got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. 226 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,480 Don't say that. I'll have to dust off my Shewee. 227 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,000 See you later, darling. 228 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:52,000 Come on, then, let's do a nice picture in the kitchen. 229 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,840 Yes, make yourself at home, why don't you?! 230 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,800 WOMAN: Have you got that screwdriver yet? 231 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,560 I'm getting it, I'm getting it! 232 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,880 I don't know if you want to hear this now, 233 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,520 but your flush is broken, by the way. 234 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:06,080 Yes, of course it is! What with that and the lock, 235 00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:08,760 well, they say bad luck comes in threes. 236 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:10,360 What's number two? 237 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,720 Your flush is broken, by the way. 238 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,200 Unbelievable. 239 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,920 Thanking you, sir! 240 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:22,000 Right, let's establish what we're looking at here. 241 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,280 Excuse me, where are your...? 242 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:27,720 Oh, no! 243 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:29,520 You can't put shoes on the table! 244 00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:31,440 BARRY: It's all right. They're brand-new! 245 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:32,800 Well, that's even worse! 246 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,360 Stop! Stop! 247 00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:38,040 It wards off evil spirits. 248 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,080 GARETH CRIES OUT 249 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,080 CAT YOWLS 250 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,080 Argh! 251 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,160 THUDDING BETHANY LAUGHS 252 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,480 Is everything OK, sir? 253 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:47,720 Please, just be quick. 254 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,760 WOMAN: Yes, hurry up! 255 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,760 DOOR KNOB RATTLES 256 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:52,280 Yeah, all right, madam. Can you not do that, please? 257 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,320 You're jiggling the mechanism 258 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,880 and making my life even more difficult. 259 00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,600 May I ask how the lady came to be inside the bathroom, sir? 260 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,040 She wanted a pee. What else would she be doing in there? 261 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,840 Well, you tell me. I don't want any more nasty surprises. 262 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,760 WOMAN: Well, there might be one. 263 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,080 Especially now there's a child on the premises. 264 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:13,480 Yes, a child you brought here. I didn't ask for any of this! 265 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:16,000 BARRY: Here we go! 266 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:16,000 WOOD SPLINTERS 267 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,280 Oh, finally! 268 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,400 WOMAN GASPS 269 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,400 Oh, my God! 270 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:20,720 Oh, thank you! 271 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:22,720 Deep breaths. You're all right. 272 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,440 Now, just for my own peace of mind, 273 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,560 you went in there of your own free will, yes? 274 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:27,800 The gentleman didn't force ya? 275 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,360 Cos I do know the words for a citizen's arrest. 276 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:31,400 What? 277 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:32,960 Oh, the room's spinning. 278 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,160 I think I'm gonna be sick! 279 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,160 SHE RETCHES 280 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:38,480 Yeah, the internal mechanism's buggered, 281 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,400 by the look of things. Heh. 282 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:43,000 It'll be £150 for a new tailpiece, 283 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,360 plus labour, of course... Of course. 284 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,200 I might've been able to salvage it, 285 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:50,000 but she's been hacking away at it with this screw, 286 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,040 by the look of things. 287 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,080 WOMAN COUGHS 288 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,080 Where did you get...? 289 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,400 TENSE STRINGS CRESCENDO Oh, my God! 290 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,800 Help me! Don't let it drop. 291 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,400 Can you... Can you put it back in? 292 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,240 It'll cost ya. Just do it! 293 00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:06,440 I don't need any more bad luck today. 294 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,840 DOOR CLICKS BETHANY GIGGLES 295 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:12,560 OMINOUS STRINGS PLAY 296 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:22,600 BARRY: Imagine you're on a beach... WOMAN EXHALES DEEPLY 297 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:25,960 You're looking out at a wide open horizon. 298 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:30,360 BREATHES DEEPLY 299 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:30,360 You can feel the cool breeze 300 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:30,360 on your face. 301 00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:36,840 THEY MOUTH SILENTLY 302 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:39,640 GARETH BLOWS 303 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,160 BARRY: Can you feel it? 304 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:42,320 Yes. 305 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:46,800 There's not another soul for miles around... 306 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:50,200 ..the waves are lapping, the sun's shining... 307 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,200 Oh, have I got sunblock on? I burn easily. 308 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:53,240 Yeah, yeah, you do. 309 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,000 You put it on earlier. Factor 20. 310 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,360 Only 20? Sorry, 50. 311 00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:58,960 I've not got me glasses on. 312 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:02,840 Just think about how calm you are. 313 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:04,840 Not a care in the world. 314 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,600 Oh, it smells of coffee, this breeze. 315 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:09,640 It stinks. 316 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,680 Look, this is ridiculous! I'm sorry! 317 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,160 There's a toddler out there. God knows what she's getting up to! 318 00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:16,680 Me daughter-in-law's on her way over, I told ya. 319 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:19,040 Bethany's a good girl. She won't get up to any mischief. 320 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:21,280 I should never have answered the door, today of all days. 321 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:22,840 I knew it as well! I knew it! 322 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:25,680 You don't believe in all that Friday the 13th stuff, do you? 323 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,960 Yes, of course I do! Look where I've ended up - 324 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,320 trapped in a toilet with you two. 325 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:33,480 But that's got nothing to do with the date. 326 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,160 It's just circumstance. 327 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:36,960 Oh, so says Mr Shoes On The Table! 328 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,320 You're inviting bad luck. 329 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:39,480 From who, though? 330 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:43,120 The universe! I opened the door and, boom, utter chaos! 331 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,040 That's a very negative attitude, if you don't mind me saying. 332 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:47,280 Tell that to Jesus, 333 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,040 crucified on so-called Good Friday, 334 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,160 after the Last Supper where there were 13 guests. 335 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:53,400 I didn't know they had Fridays in them days. 336 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:54,560 Of course they did! 337 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,880 Chaucer talks about it in the Middle Ages! 338 00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:59,000 "And on a Friday fell all his mischance." 339 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,040 The Knights Templar were tortured 340 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:04,480 by King Philip IV of France on Friday the 13th 1307. 341 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,520 Public hangings happened on a Friday. 342 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,600 And there were 13 steps up to the gallows. 343 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,320 And what about all them kids that got chopped up by a madman 344 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:13,400 at that lake in America? That was... 345 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:14,480 Friday the 13th. 346 00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,840 Yeah. They made a film about it. 347 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,880 There's lots of good things happen on a Friday too, though. 348 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,840 The end of the working week, fish and chips... 349 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,000 I bought my big telly on Black Friday. 350 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,240 Mind you, it was half the bloody price a month later. 351 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:28,760 It's swings and roundabouts, in't it? 352 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,200 You've pepped up all of a sudden. 353 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,680 What happened to your claustrophobia? 354 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:34,280 It's being on this lovely beach. 355 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:37,720 Hmm. Just makes me feel so relaxed. 356 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:39,480 What time is it, by the way? 357 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,560 Er... 358 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,760 Ooh, I dunno. My watch has stopped. 359 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:46,120 Oh, no... 13 minutes past. 360 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:47,520 Right, that's it! 361 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,000 GARETH PANTS 362 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,120 BETHANY GIGGLES 363 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,800 Dana, what...? 364 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,280 What are you doing here? 365 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:04,720 Is everything OK? 366 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:05,880 Are you OK? 367 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,240 It's fine. I'm fine. 368 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:09,480 Why didn't you let us out? 369 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:11,560 And who...? Who's this? 370 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,000 Dr Marcel Rogers. 371 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:17,960 Your wife asked me to prepare this treatment for you. 372 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,640 Treatment? 373 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,160 What do you mean? 374 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,840 I didn't know what else to do. 375 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:25,640 Allow me to introduce my friends, 376 00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:27,240 Sue and Johnny Robbins, 377 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,200 from the Little Marlow Amateur Dramatics Society. 378 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,080 At your service! 379 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,200 The magic of theatre. 380 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,040 And let's not forget our juve lead, Shelley. 381 00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:43,360 Come on in. No need to be ashamed. 382 00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:45,640 Such a pleasure working with you. 383 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:48,560 They kindly took time out of rehearsing Half A Sixpence 384 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,200 to be here today. 385 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,520 I do hope we gave you what you wanted. 386 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:55,280 The reviews are in and you were excellent, dear, as always. 387 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,120 Oh, you know I don't read reviews, darling! 388 00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,560 Dana, what...what is all this? 389 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:03,840 I know it's extreme, but Dr Rogers said it was the only thing that would work. 390 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:08,280 Exposure therapy, or exposure in vivo, as we call it - 391 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:10,520 putting you, Mr Beckman, in direct contact 392 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,840 with your greatest fears. 393 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:17,360 Your wife explained to me that your paraskevidekatriaphobia 394 00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:19,360 was becoming unmanageable. 395 00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:20,920 My what? 396 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,560 Paraskevidekatriaphobia. 397 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:26,360 It's a fear of Friday the 13th. 398 00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:28,520 BARRY: Puts me in mind of the Gilbert and Sullivan 399 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:30,000 we did last year. 400 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,000 # I am the very model of a paraskevidekatriaphobiac! # 401 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,280 THEY LAUGH 402 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,160 So...what, you've all just been tricking me? 403 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:40,960 To... To what end? To give me a stroke? 404 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:42,960 I appreciate that the experience 405 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,960 is very anxiety-inducing, Mr Beckman, 406 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,200 but you needed to stay in the situation long enough 407 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:51,880 for your irrational fear to subside. 408 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,520 For that, we needed to create 409 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:56,720 a fully realised worst-case scenario, 410 00:18:56,720 --> 00:19:00,080 hence the arrival of your unwanted guests. 411 00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:02,840 I just loved all that improv on the doorstep. 412 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,520 I mean, Belvita - where did that come from? 413 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,240 It was magnificent! So, so funny. 414 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:10,000 Oh, bless you. 415 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,440 But it was the teeth, I think, and the accent. 416 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:15,160 Funnily enough, we both just read them as Northern. 417 00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:18,200 She was exactly the same in last year's Ayckbourn. 418 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,400 Well, maybe not exactly the same, 419 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,880 but thank you, darling. 420 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,560 And Johnny here went all Method, of course. 421 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:27,080 We had tools out all over the living room. 422 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,400 Mm, I read a very interesting article in the Mail 423 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:32,000 about Cumberbatch and I thought that was the way 424 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,600 to go with Barry Styles. 425 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,160 VOICE BREAKING: But I shall miss him, that's for sure. 426 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:38,640 What the fuck are you talking about? 427 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:40,160 Gareth! 428 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:41,680 Who is THIS?! 429 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:44,080 Where did you get her? Sylvia Young? 430 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:47,640 No, but she is on the waiting list. My granddaughter, 431 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:49,720 who did a wonderful performance, I thought. 432 00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:53,120 Absolutely. Bravo! 433 00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:53,120 APPLAUSE 434 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,280 She will make a first-class Rosalind when she's older. 435 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,680 I'm sorry, but this is bullshit! 436 00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,680 You're all talking like what I'm saying is irrational, 437 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,200 but it isn't! As I just explained in there! 438 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,840 That was a lovely scene, by the way. 439 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:05,280 It wasn't a scene. It was real! 440 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:08,200 I was explaining the real world history of this phenomenon. 441 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,080 What phenomenon? 442 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:11,600 Er, bad luck! 443 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:14,000 It's not luck, though, Gareth! 444 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,480 You avoid walking under a ladder 445 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,720 because something might fall on your head. 446 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:20,520 You won't put shoes on the table because you're gonna eat off it. 447 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,680 Actors don't like saying "Macbeth" 448 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,960 because there are sword fights in it and people get genuinely injured! 449 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,880 BARRY: Oh, no, she mentioned the Scottish play! 450 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,880 BOTH SPIT 451 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,880 BOTH: Piss pots! 452 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,120 BOTH CHUCKLE 453 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:37,800 And you think I'M the one that needs fucking therapy? 454 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,360 That'll be our cue for the interval. 455 00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:42,360 Shall we? Come on, Bethany. 456 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:44,080 There's some lovely cake waiting for you 457 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:45,400 in the green room. 458 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:53,720 Perhaps you ought to tell me what's really going on here, Gareth. 459 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,440 What do you mean? 460 00:20:56,440 --> 00:21:00,160 Your wife tells me there was an inciting incident. 461 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:05,920 Can you tell me about October 13th 1978? 462 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,720 I believe it was a Friday. 463 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,640 GARETH SIGHS 464 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,080 How could you? 465 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:17,520 I had to. 466 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:20,160 It's taking over our lives. 467 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:21,920 Every Friday the 13th, 468 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,600 three times a year, 469 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,040 you are obsessed! 470 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:26,440 I'm not obsessed. 471 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,720 And it's not three times a year. It's twice this year, 472 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,880 twice next year and one time the year after that. 473 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,560 Why don't you tell me what happened? 474 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:42,320 You were on a school trip to France... 475 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,840 ..skiing in Le Corbier. 476 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:52,360 But on that Friday morning you had a stomach-ache 477 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,280 and you didn't want to go. 478 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,640 So you watched as all your classmates got on that coach 479 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,000 and drove away. 480 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,520 CHILDREN CHATTERING ECHOES 481 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:05,240 That was the last you saw of them. 482 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,760 The coach skidded on black ice. 483 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,760 TYRES SCREECH 484 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,240 FLAMES WHOOSH 485 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,240 And it came off the road. 486 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:17,120 All of them died. 487 00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:18,360 Except you. 488 00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:21,080 Survivor's guilt 489 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,320 and its association with that date 490 00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:26,520 has blighted you ever since. 491 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:32,440 It's time for you to confront your fears, Gareth, 492 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,080 and put an end to it. 493 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,480 We want you to smash the mirror. 494 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,520 GARETH SCOFFS 495 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,520 What? No. 496 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:46,800 Break it. 497 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,000 Break it. 498 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:50,880 I can't. 499 00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:57,120 Friday the 13th is just another day, 500 00:22:57,120 --> 00:23:01,600 a day when something terrible happened in 1978 501 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,760 that wasn't your fault. 502 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:07,720 SLOW HARP NOTES PLAY STRINGS PLAY QUIETLY 503 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:17,400 Seven years' bad luck. 504 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:19,560 Break the mirror, Gareth! 505 00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:21,600 And set yourself free. 506 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,280 DISCORDANT STRINGS BUILD 507 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:30,240 I'm sorry. 508 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:35,640 GLASS SHATTERS HORN BLARING ECHOES 509 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,600 CHILDREN SCREAMING ECHOES 510 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:42,480 TYRES SCREECH FLAMES WHOOSH 511 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,320 HORN STOPS 512 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,720 Well done. 513 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:56,000 DOORBELL CHIMES 514 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:56,000 What now? 515 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,160 I don't know. 516 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:01,760 FOOTSTEPS RECEDE 517 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,000 DANA SHRIEKS 518 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,000 Oh, my God! 519 00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:06,440 LAUGHTER 520 00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:06,440 DERMOT: Hey, everybody! 521 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,600 Wow, this is quite the party we're gate-crashing. 522 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:10,320 Hello, but which one's Gareth? 523 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:11,560 There he is. 524 00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:13,720 Hey, big guy! 525 00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:15,720 Congratulations, big guy! 526 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:17,880 So, Gareth, you are our millionth caller 527 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:20,480 on the radio today, which means you have banked yourself 528 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,920 a whopping £130,000. 529 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,920 DANA GASPS 530 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,680 The big 1-3! There we go! 531 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:27,080 WHOOPING 532 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:27,080 Hey, come on! 533 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:30,560 APPLAUSE 534 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:30,560 Woohoo! You are a lucky man. 535 00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:33,840 Thank you. Er... Is this really happening? 536 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:36,120 It most certainly is, my friend. Well done. 537 00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:37,800 Can I just say, Dec, 538 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:40,560 if you and Ant want tickets to come and see Half A Sixpence, 539 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:43,800 I'm pretty sure I can arrange a couple of house seats for you. 540 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:47,840 You'd be most welcome to come and see if we've got the X factor! 541 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,080 Thank you so much. Just leave your details with my producer. 542 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:53,040 I'd love to come. I just love you both. Thank you. 543 00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:54,560 So, Gareth, what we'd love to do 544 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,840 is do a little interview with you, pre-recorded interview... 545 00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:58,520 MUFFLED: ..to play out on the radio tomorrow 546 00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:00,680 before the big announcement. How does that sound? 547 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:03,880 I'd love to. 548 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,760 GARETH GASPS 549 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:18,640 Oh, no. 550 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:20,760 DOOR OPENS 551 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:20,760 I'm off now. 552 00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:23,320 OK. 553 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:25,960 What's wrong? 554 00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,560 SHAKILY: I thought I'd fixed everything. 555 00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:30,160 I thought I was cured, but... 556 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:33,720 ..it turns out it was all a dream. 557 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,120 What are you talking about, "dream"? 558 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,720 DANA CHUCKLES 559 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:45,120 Aw, no, that's because it's Saturday, you idiot. 560 00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:47,040 You just haven't turned it round yet. See? 561 00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:48,080 Here. 562 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,920 So, Dermot O'Leary... 563 00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,560 ..that all actually happened? 564 00:25:57,560 --> 00:25:59,040 Yes! 565 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,520 Bloody Dermot bloody O'Leary in our front room. 566 00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:04,240 I nearly died of shock. 567 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:05,600 You'd better come down. 568 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:07,960 Your interview's gonna be on in a minute. 569 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:09,080 Mwah! 570 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:20,920 Right, so I'm meeting Paula for breakfast. 571 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:22,640 I'm gonna listen to you later. 572 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:25,200 Oh, you should open this. 573 00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:26,280 What is it? 574 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,360 It's the package from yesterday. Open it. 575 00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:49,080 One last test, just to be sure. 576 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:52,560 GARETH LAUGHS UNEASILY 577 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:05,800 DANA LAUGHS GARETH JOINS IN 578 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:09,720 Well done, darling. Oh, I'm so proud of you! 579 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:11,480 I'll see you later. Oh, yeah. 580 00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:13,160 Enjoy your interview. Yeah. 581 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,120 DERMOT: Coming up, I chat to our one millionth caller, 582 00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:21,000 who, yesterday, won an incredible £130,000 583 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:22,240 on Friday the 13th! 584 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:23,680 We'll be hearing from him 585 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:27,080 and what it feels like to be so unbelievably lucky. 586 00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:29,680 Speaking of which, here's Kylie. MUSIC: I Should Be So Lucky by Kylie Minogue 587 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:31,760 TYRES SCREECH 588 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:31,760 THUDDING 589 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:31,760 # In my imagination 590 00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:33,600 # There is no complication 591 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:36,800 # I dream about you all the time 592 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:39,920 # I should be so lucky... # 593 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:41,800 SONG CONTINUES 594 00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:05,040 Subtitles by Red Bee Media 63736

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