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This programme contains
some strong language.
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00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:22,520
DOOR OPENS
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00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:26,040
SHE SIGHS
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00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:26,040
I'm off now.
5
00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:27,360
OK.
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00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,160
Are you gonna be all right
getting to work?
7
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:33,480
Yes, don't worry.
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I'm not worried.
Why would I be worried?
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HE CHUCKLES
10
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No reason.
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Go. I'm fine.
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OK, I'll see you later. Yep.
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00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:44,640
SHE SIGHS
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00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:47,920
HE BREATHES ANXIOUSLY
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00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,200
CALENDAR CLICKS
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00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,520
HE BREATHES ANXIOUSLY
17
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DOOR CLOSES
18
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CAT GROWLS
19
00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:38,240
CROAKY VOICE: Hi, Peggy. It's Gareth.
20
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I'm not...feeling too great,
to be honest.
21
00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:43,680
It must've come on overnight.
22
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:47,080
Yeah, yeah,
I... I think I better had.
23
00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:50,320
Would you tell Dean
I won't be in today?
24
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:51,800
Oh, thanks, Peggy.
25
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:52,880
Bye.
26
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,480
MAGPIE CAWS
27
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:01,320
NORMAL VOICE: One, two, three.
28
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:02,840
Good morning, Mr Magpie.
29
00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:05,440
I'm sorry you're on your own.
30
00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:09,360
So, now I've used up all my sorrow,
nothing bad can happen.
31
00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:11,880
Understand?
32
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,040
MAGPIE CAWS
33
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:23,440
DERMOT O'LEARY: So, 0808 1570685
34
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,160
is the number to call for
35
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,160
today's very special phone-in.
36
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,160
GARETH SIGHS
37
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,080
Hoping to hear from you
this Friday morning,
38
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:31,240
but it's not any old Friday morning,
it's Friday the 13th!
39
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,600
So, no doubt you're all taking
extra care of yourselves
40
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:36,080
and you won't end up in A&E,
having driven into a lamppost!
41
00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:39,240
Our fantastic NHS staff are gonna be
just twiddling their thumbs today.
42
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:41,520
Nothing to do -
everyone's being so careful.
43
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:44,640
Well, I hope you get to
put your feet up and have
a well-deserved rest.
44
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:46,400
Here's a song just for you.
45
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,360
MUSIC PLAYS
46
00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,440
DOORBELL RINGS
47
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:51,800
WOMAN: Hello?
48
00:02:58,480 --> 00:02:59,600
MUSIC STOPS
49
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,080
You've reached the Dermot O'Leary...
PHONE CLATTERS
50
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:28,440
Oh, hello.
51
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:29,960
You're in. That's lucky.
52
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,680
I've got a parcel for ya.
53
00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,240
Just, er, leave it on the doorstep,
thanks.
54
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:37,320
Oh, I can't.
You've got to sign for it.
55
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:40,520
Ugh. Could you come back later?
My wife will be in.
56
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,960
Oh, not really.
I've got a round to do.
57
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:46,560
Besides, I think it's for you.
Er, Gareth Beckman?
58
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,880
Yes, yes, that's me.
59
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:51,280
Well, if you can't do it today,
it'll have to go back to
the sorting office,
60
00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:54,400
and what with it being Friday,
it'll be stuck there all weekend.
61
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,280
All right. Fine.
62
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,920
Your pen's not working.
Have you got another one?
63
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:09,920
Oh, no. Sorry, love.
64
00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:12,360
We usually have them digital ones
where you use your finger,
65
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:13,800
but I dropped mine this morning
66
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,440
while I were unwrapping
a Belvita and it broke.
67
00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:17,960
Device, not the Belvita.
68
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,000
Wait there.
69
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,400
Don't come in!
70
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:22,680
Please.
71
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,440
Not a single bloody pen!
72
00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:35,720
DRAWER JAMS
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00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:36,920
Ow.
74
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,480
Damn it!
75
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:41,400
Sorry, I couldn't just quickly
use your loo, could I?
76
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:44,440
I literally just told you
not to come in. I'm busting.
77
00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,680
Dr Mikos says I've got to stay
hydrated cos of my condition,
78
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:50,640
but I can't just nip behind a
privet like a man does, can I?
79
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:54,440
Me friend Enid got me one
of them Shewees - you know,
where you funnel it -
80
00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:56,000
but me aim was off.
81
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,840
Ruined a good pair of Uggs,
that did. Yeah. I'm sorry, no.
82
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,840
I'm not going for a crafty poo
83
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,840
if that's what you think.
84
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,840
PHONE RINGS
85
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:04,480
All right! Look, it's through there.
Just be quick.
86
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:09,600
Hello?
87
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:13,520
Ah, yes. Well, I wanted
to point out to Dermot O'Leary
88
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,880
that a study conducted in 1993
89
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:18,520
by Scanlon, Luben,
Scanlon and Singleton
90
00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,920
concluded that the risk
of hospital admission
91
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:25,040
actually goes up by as much
as 52% on Friday the 13th,
92
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,640
so, you know, get your facts
right and stop broadcasting
93
00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,200
such irresponsible crap!
94
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,880
Yes, you're welcome. Goodbye.
95
00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:35,880
HE SCRIBBLES
96
00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:37,200
MAIL CARRIER KNOCKS
97
00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:37,200
Hello?
98
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,040
What's wrong? I can't get out!
99
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,600
What do you mean?
Just unlock the door.
100
00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:45,560
DOOR RATTLES
101
00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:45,560
I can't! The handle's broke.
102
00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:53,280
What have you done to it?
103
00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:56,520
Nothing! It just came off
in me hand.
104
00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:59,560
Could you hurry up, please?
I don't like confined spaces.
105
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:01,840
I need to get a screwdriver.
Wait there.
106
00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:04,080
I don't have much choice, do I?
107
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:05,560
No. Out.
108
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:05,560
CAT MEOWS
109
00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:08,200
Hey, you, get out! I can't!
110
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:09,280
Not you!
111
00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,560
CAT GROWLS
112
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,480
Hello...
113
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:23,800
Hello. What are you doing
under there?
114
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:24,920
Hey?
115
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,040
CAT HISSES
116
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,040
Argh!
117
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:27,920
Shit!
118
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,360
HE SIGHS
119
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,440
HE MAKES KISSING NOISES
120
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,080
Hello.
121
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:37,400
HE MAKES KISSING NOISES
122
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,200
Come on!
123
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,840
CAT GROWLS
124
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,840
Come on.
125
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:46,000
SINGSONG: Here, come on,
where are you?
126
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,200
HE MAKES KISSING NOISES
127
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,240
Come on...
128
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:51,320
Hello!
129
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:52,560
CAT YOWLS
130
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:04,280
CAT MEOWS
131
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,680
HE SIGHS
132
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:09,240
OK...
133
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,840
Do you know...
134
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:18,600
...a man came up to me the other day
and said, "Have you seen my cat?
135
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,720
"He's got black fur,
136
00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:22,800
"patchy with mange.
137
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,120
"He's missing his right ear,
138
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,600
"he's blind in one eye,
139
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:30,040
"and only has three legs
140
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,400
"due to a recent traffic accident."
141
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:36,400
I said, "What's his name?"
142
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,520
And the man said...
143
00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:39,560
..."Lucky."
144
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,520
WATER SPRAYS FIERCELY
145
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:44,560
CAT MEOWS
146
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:54,360
WATER TURNS OFF
147
00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:58,400
MAIL CARRIER: I'm not being funny,
but I've got library books
148
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,280
that need taking back!
149
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,640
HE SIGHS
150
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,720
Dr Mikos said there's a danger
of me having a fit.
151
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:12,560
Oh, for fuck's sake!
152
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,440
Who are you?
153
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,280
Barry Styles, locksmith.
154
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:30,760
Apparently, you've trapped a lady
in your downstairs toilet.
155
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,960
I didn't trap her.
She went in of her own accord!
156
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,800
I don't need to know
the details, sir.
157
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:37,520
I just need you to know
it's an £80 call-out fee.
158
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,480
HE SIGHS
159
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,480
Get me out! I can't breathe!
160
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,400
I'm not paying that.
I didn't call you.
161
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:44,200
I'll pay it! I'll pay anything.
Just get me out!
162
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,960
I was about to get you out.
I just need to get a screwdriver!
163
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,560
Can you move this?
Yeah. Sorry about that.
164
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:51,800
I have to bring everything in from
165
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:51,800
the van or it all gets nicked!
166
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:51,800
PHONE RINGS
167
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,240
Kids today! I don't know!
168
00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:55,080
Can you shift it, please?
I can't get by.
169
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:56,400
One sec.
170
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,920
Hiya, love.
Did you find it all right?
171
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:01,640
Yeah, I'm at number 9...
172
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:03,360
HE BREATHES QUICKLY
173
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,680
HE WHIMPERS
174
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,360
I'm getting a bit dizzy!
175
00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:12,640
I'm coming! Just...
176
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,840
Ooh, this might set me fits off!
Hold on.
177
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:36,880
What's going on?
I can hear banging!
178
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:44,880
Hello!
179
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,200
I've got tinnitus as well, you know!
180
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,600
Ever since I saw Whitesnake
at the Albert Hall.
181
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:05,760
Huh! I told them the speakers
were too loud!
182
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:07,840
I wrote them a letter,
183
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,680
but I didn't hear anything back.
184
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,520
Well, apart from my tinnitus.
185
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,720
I'm not paying
if I need syringing again!
186
00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:22,840
Oh, no.
187
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:34,000
Oh!
188
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,760
THUDDING
CLATTERING
189
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,920
Oh, dear me, I'm sorry about that.
190
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:39,120
Are you all right?
191
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:40,600
Yes, I'm fine.
192
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,720
I just want both of you
to leave as soon as possible.
193
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,720
I can't have people
in the house today.
194
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,400
Grandad! Grandad! Hello, cherub!
195
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:49,640
Who's this, now?
196
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,560
This is me granddaughter, Bethany.
197
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:53,840
I've just gotta look after her
for a couple of hours.
198
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,640
Me daughter-in-law's
got band practice.
199
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,680
Thanks for doing this, Barry.
200
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,680
GARETH GASPS
201
00:10:57,680 --> 00:10:58,720
I won't be long.
202
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,560
I'll leave her bag with you.
203
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:01,840
Oh, hello!
204
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,200
Are you the fella that's
locked a woman in his toilet?
205
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,800
WOMAN: Yes, he is! No, I'm not.
206
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:07,760
Well, Bethany will be no trouble.
207
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,760
It's just we've got
a special gig today
208
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:11,800
and we need to work
on My Ding-a-Ling.
209
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:13,520
Can I ask you to step
outside, please?
210
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,400
One second.
I've got to sort her lunch box.
211
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,480
I can't have those in here!
Those what?
212
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,520
Peacock feathers. Are you allergic?
213
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,480
Yes, to the evil eye,
and you're covered in them
214
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:22,760
and they're incredibly bad luck!
215
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,920
Don't say that. They're lovely.
216
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,160
Look, feel them.
217
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:29,120
Urgh, get them away from me!
Get out! Get out, get out!
218
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:32,160
Hey, hey, come on, now.
There's no need for that!
219
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:33,600
It's all right, Barry.
220
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:35,640
Now, you be a good girl for Grandad
221
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,480
and Mummy will see you later.
222
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,720
Is there any chance I could
nip to your upstairs loo?
223
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:41,000
Definitely not. Why?
224
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,440
Because we can't cross on the stairs.
225
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,080
Someone obviously got out of the
wrong side of the bed this morning.
226
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,480
Don't say that. I'll have to
dust off my Shewee.
227
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,000
See you later, darling.
228
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:52,000
Come on, then, let's do
a nice picture in the kitchen.
229
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,840
Yes, make yourself at home,
why don't you?!
230
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,800
WOMAN: Have you got
that screwdriver yet?
231
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,560
I'm getting it, I'm getting it!
232
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,880
I don't know if you want
to hear this now,
233
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,520
but your flush is broken,
by the way.
234
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:06,080
Yes, of course it is!
What with that and the lock,
235
00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:08,760
well, they say bad luck
comes in threes.
236
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:10,360
What's number two?
237
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,720
Your flush is broken, by the way.
238
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,200
Unbelievable.
239
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,920
Thanking you, sir!
240
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:22,000
Right, let's establish
what we're looking at here.
241
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,280
Excuse me, where are your...?
242
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:27,720
Oh, no!
243
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:29,520
You can't put shoes on the table!
244
00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:31,440
BARRY: It's all right.
They're brand-new!
245
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:32,800
Well, that's even worse!
246
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,360
Stop! Stop!
247
00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:38,040
It wards off evil spirits.
248
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,080
GARETH CRIES OUT
249
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,080
CAT YOWLS
250
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,080
Argh!
251
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,160
THUDDING
BETHANY LAUGHS
252
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,480
Is everything OK, sir?
253
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:47,720
Please, just be quick.
254
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,760
WOMAN: Yes, hurry up!
255
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,760
DOOR KNOB RATTLES
256
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:52,280
Yeah, all right, madam.
Can you not do that, please?
257
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,320
You're jiggling the mechanism
258
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,880
and making my life
even more difficult.
259
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,600
May I ask how the lady came to
be inside the bathroom, sir?
260
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,040
She wanted a pee. What else
would she be doing in there?
261
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,840
Well, you tell me. I don't want
any more nasty surprises.
262
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,760
WOMAN: Well, there might be one.
263
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,080
Especially now there's
a child on the premises.
264
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:13,480
Yes, a child you brought here.
I didn't ask for any of this!
265
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:16,000
BARRY: Here we go!
266
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:16,000
WOOD SPLINTERS
267
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,280
Oh, finally!
268
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,400
WOMAN GASPS
269
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,400
Oh, my God!
270
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:20,720
Oh, thank you!
271
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:22,720
Deep breaths. You're all right.
272
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,440
Now, just for my own peace of mind,
273
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,560
you went in there
of your own free will, yes?
274
00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:27,800
The gentleman didn't force ya?
275
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,360
Cos I do know the words
for a citizen's arrest.
276
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:31,400
What?
277
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:32,960
Oh, the room's spinning.
278
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,160
I think I'm gonna be sick!
279
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,160
SHE RETCHES
280
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:38,480
Yeah, the internal
mechanism's buggered,
281
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,400
by the look of things. Heh.
282
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:43,000
It'll be £150 for a new tailpiece,
283
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,360
plus labour, of course... Of course.
284
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,200
I might've been able to salvage it,
285
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:50,000
but she's been hacking away
at it with this screw,
286
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,040
by the look of things.
287
00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,080
WOMAN COUGHS
288
00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,080
Where did you get...?
289
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,400
TENSE STRINGS CRESCENDO
Oh, my God!
290
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,800
Help me! Don't let it drop.
291
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,400
Can you... Can you put it back in?
292
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,240
It'll cost ya. Just do it!
293
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:06,440
I don't need any more bad luck today.
294
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,840
DOOR CLICKS
BETHANY GIGGLES
295
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:12,560
OMINOUS STRINGS PLAY
296
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:22,600
BARRY: Imagine you're on a beach...
WOMAN EXHALES DEEPLY
297
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:25,960
You're looking out
at a wide open horizon.
298
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:30,360
BREATHES DEEPLY
299
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:30,360
You can feel the cool breeze
300
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:30,360
on your face.
301
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:36,840
THEY MOUTH SILENTLY
302
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:39,640
GARETH BLOWS
303
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,160
BARRY: Can you feel it?
304
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:42,320
Yes.
305
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:46,800
There's not another soul
for miles around...
306
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:50,200
..the waves are lapping,
the sun's shining...
307
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,200
Oh, have I got sunblock on?
I burn easily.
308
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:53,240
Yeah, yeah, you do.
309
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,000
You put it on earlier. Factor 20.
310
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,360
Only 20? Sorry, 50.
311
00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:58,960
I've not got me glasses on.
312
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:02,840
Just think about how calm you are.
313
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:04,840
Not a care in the world.
314
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,600
Oh, it smells of coffee,
this breeze.
315
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:09,640
It stinks.
316
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,680
Look, this is ridiculous! I'm sorry!
317
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,160
There's a toddler out there.
God knows what she's getting up to!
318
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:16,680
Me daughter-in-law's
on her way over, I told ya.
319
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:19,040
Bethany's a good girl. She
won't get up to any mischief.
320
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:21,280
I should never have answered
the door, today of all days.
321
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:22,840
I knew it as well! I knew it!
322
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:25,680
You don't believe in all that
Friday the 13th stuff, do you?
323
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,960
Yes, of course I do!
Look where I've ended up -
324
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,320
trapped in a toilet with you two.
325
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:33,480
But that's got nothing
to do with the date.
326
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,160
It's just circumstance.
327
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:36,960
Oh, so says Mr Shoes On The Table!
328
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,320
You're inviting bad luck.
329
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:39,480
From who, though?
330
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:43,120
The universe! I opened the door
and, boom, utter chaos!
331
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,040
That's a very negative attitude,
if you don't mind me saying.
332
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:47,280
Tell that to Jesus,
333
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,040
crucified on so-called Good Friday,
334
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,160
after the Last Supper
where there were 13 guests.
335
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:53,400
I didn't know they had Fridays
in them days.
336
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:54,560
Of course they did!
337
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,880
Chaucer talks about it
in the Middle Ages!
338
00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:59,000
"And on a Friday fell
all his mischance."
339
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,040
The Knights Templar were tortured
340
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:04,480
by King Philip IV of France
on Friday the 13th 1307.
341
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,520
Public hangings happened on a Friday.
342
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,600
And there were 13 steps
up to the gallows.
343
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,320
And what about all them kids
that got chopped up by a madman
344
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:13,400
at that lake in America? That was...
345
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:14,480
Friday the 13th.
346
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,840
Yeah. They made a film about it.
347
00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,880
There's lots of good things
happen on a Friday too, though.
348
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,840
The end of the working week,
fish and chips...
349
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,000
I bought my big telly
on Black Friday.
350
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,240
Mind you, it was half
the bloody price a month later.
351
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:28,760
It's swings and roundabouts,
in't it?
352
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,200
You've pepped up all of a sudden.
353
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,680
What happened to your claustrophobia?
354
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:34,280
It's being on this lovely beach.
355
00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:37,720
Hmm. Just makes me feel so relaxed.
356
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:39,480
What time is it, by the way?
357
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,560
Er...
358
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,760
Ooh, I dunno. My watch has stopped.
359
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:46,120
Oh, no... 13 minutes past.
360
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:47,520
Right, that's it!
361
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,000
GARETH PANTS
362
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,120
BETHANY GIGGLES
363
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,800
Dana, what...?
364
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,280
What are you doing here?
365
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:04,720
Is everything OK?
366
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:05,880
Are you OK?
367
00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,240
It's fine. I'm fine.
368
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:09,480
Why didn't you let us out?
369
00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:11,560
And who...? Who's this?
370
00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,000
Dr Marcel Rogers.
371
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:17,960
Your wife asked me to prepare
this treatment for you.
372
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,640
Treatment?
373
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,160
What do you mean?
374
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,840
I didn't know what else to do.
375
00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:25,640
Allow me to introduce my friends,
376
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:27,240
Sue and Johnny Robbins,
377
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,200
from the Little Marlow
Amateur Dramatics Society.
378
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,080
At your service!
379
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,200
The magic of theatre.
380
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,040
And let's not forget
our juve lead, Shelley.
381
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:43,360
Come on in. No need to be ashamed.
382
00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:45,640
Such a pleasure working with you.
383
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:48,560
They kindly took time out
of rehearsing Half A Sixpence
384
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,200
to be here today.
385
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,520
I do hope we gave you
what you wanted.
386
00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:55,280
The reviews are in and you were
excellent, dear, as always.
387
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,120
Oh, you know
I don't read reviews, darling!
388
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,560
Dana, what...what is all this?
389
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:03,840
I know it's extreme, but Dr Rogers
said it was the only thing
that would work.
390
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:08,280
Exposure therapy, or exposure
in vivo, as we call it -
391
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:10,520
putting you, Mr Beckman,
in direct contact
392
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,840
with your greatest fears.
393
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:17,360
Your wife explained to me that
your paraskevidekatriaphobia
394
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:19,360
was becoming unmanageable.
395
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:20,920
My what?
396
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,560
Paraskevidekatriaphobia.
397
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:26,360
It's a fear of Friday the 13th.
398
00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:28,520
BARRY: Puts me in mind of
the Gilbert and Sullivan
399
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:30,000
we did last year.
400
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,000
# I am the very model of
a paraskevidekatriaphobiac! #
401
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,280
THEY LAUGH
402
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,160
So...what, you've all just
been tricking me?
403
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:40,960
To... To what end?
To give me a stroke?
404
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:42,960
I appreciate that the experience
405
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,960
is very anxiety-inducing,
Mr Beckman,
406
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,200
but you needed to stay
in the situation long enough
407
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:51,880
for your irrational fear
to subside.
408
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,520
For that, we needed to create
409
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:56,720
a fully realised
worst-case scenario,
410
00:18:56,720 --> 00:19:00,080
hence the arrival
of your unwanted guests.
411
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:02,840
I just loved all that improv
on the doorstep.
412
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,520
I mean, Belvita -
where did that come from?
413
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,240
It was magnificent! So, so funny.
414
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:10,000
Oh, bless you.
415
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,440
But it was the teeth, I think,
and the accent.
416
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:15,160
Funnily enough, we both
just read them as Northern.
417
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:18,200
She was exactly the same
in last year's Ayckbourn.
418
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,400
Well, maybe not exactly the same,
419
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,880
but thank you, darling.
420
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,560
And Johnny here
went all Method, of course.
421
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:27,080
We had tools out
all over the living room.
422
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,400
Mm, I read a very interesting
article in the Mail
423
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:32,000
about Cumberbatch
and I thought that was the way
424
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,600
to go with Barry Styles.
425
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,160
VOICE BREAKING: But I shall
miss him, that's for sure.
426
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:38,640
What the fuck are you talking about?
427
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:40,160
Gareth!
428
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:41,680
Who is THIS?!
429
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:44,080
Where did you get her? Sylvia Young?
430
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:47,640
No, but she is on the waiting
list. My granddaughter,
431
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:49,720
who did a wonderful
performance, I thought.
432
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:53,120
Absolutely. Bravo!
433
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:53,120
APPLAUSE
434
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,280
She will make a first-class
Rosalind when she's older.
435
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,680
I'm sorry, but this is bullshit!
436
00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,680
You're all talking like
what I'm saying is irrational,
437
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,200
but it isn't!
As I just explained in there!
438
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,840
That was a lovely scene,
by the way.
439
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:05,280
It wasn't a scene. It was real!
440
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:08,200
I was explaining the real world
history of this phenomenon.
441
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,080
What phenomenon?
442
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:11,600
Er, bad luck!
443
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:14,000
It's not luck, though, Gareth!
444
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,480
You avoid walking under a ladder
445
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,720
because something
might fall on your head.
446
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:20,520
You won't put shoes on the table
because you're gonna eat off it.
447
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,680
Actors don't like saying "Macbeth"
448
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,960
because there are sword fights in it
and people get genuinely injured!
449
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,880
BARRY: Oh, no, she mentioned
the Scottish play!
450
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,880
BOTH SPIT
451
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,880
BOTH: Piss pots!
452
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,120
BOTH CHUCKLE
453
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:37,800
And you think I'M the one
that needs fucking therapy?
454
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,360
That'll be our cue
for the interval.
455
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:42,360
Shall we? Come on, Bethany.
456
00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:44,080
There's some lovely cake
waiting for you
457
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:45,400
in the green room.
458
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:53,720
Perhaps you ought to tell me what's
really going on here, Gareth.
459
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,440
What do you mean?
460
00:20:56,440 --> 00:21:00,160
Your wife tells me
there was an inciting incident.
461
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:05,920
Can you tell me
about October 13th 1978?
462
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,720
I believe it was a Friday.
463
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,640
GARETH SIGHS
464
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,080
How could you?
465
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:17,520
I had to.
466
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:20,160
It's taking over our lives.
467
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:21,920
Every Friday the 13th,
468
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,600
three times a year,
469
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,040
you are obsessed!
470
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:26,440
I'm not obsessed.
471
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,720
And it's not three times
a year. It's twice this year,
472
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,880
twice next year and one time
the year after that.
473
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,560
Why don't you tell me
what happened?
474
00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:42,320
You were on a school trip
to France...
475
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,840
..skiing in Le Corbier.
476
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:52,360
But on that Friday morning
you had a stomach-ache
477
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,280
and you didn't want to go.
478
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,640
So you watched as all your
classmates got on that coach
479
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,000
and drove away.
480
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,520
CHILDREN CHATTERING ECHOES
481
00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:05,240
That was the last you saw of them.
482
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,760
The coach skidded on black ice.
483
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,760
TYRES SCREECH
484
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,240
FLAMES WHOOSH
485
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,240
And it came off the road.
486
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:17,120
All of them died.
487
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:18,360
Except you.
488
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:21,080
Survivor's guilt
489
00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,320
and its association with that date
490
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:26,520
has blighted you ever since.
491
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:32,440
It's time for you to confront
your fears, Gareth,
492
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,080
and put an end to it.
493
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,480
We want you to smash the mirror.
494
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,520
GARETH SCOFFS
495
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,520
What? No.
496
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:46,800
Break it.
497
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,000
Break it.
498
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:50,880
I can't.
499
00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:57,120
Friday the 13th
is just another day,
500
00:22:57,120 --> 00:23:01,600
a day when something
terrible happened in 1978
501
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,760
that wasn't your fault.
502
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:07,720
SLOW HARP NOTES PLAY
STRINGS PLAY QUIETLY
503
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:17,400
Seven years' bad luck.
504
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:19,560
Break the mirror, Gareth!
505
00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:21,600
And set yourself free.
506
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,280
DISCORDANT STRINGS BUILD
507
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:30,240
I'm sorry.
508
00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:35,640
GLASS SHATTERS
HORN BLARING ECHOES
509
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,600
CHILDREN SCREAMING ECHOES
510
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:42,480
TYRES SCREECH
FLAMES WHOOSH
511
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,320
HORN STOPS
512
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,720
Well done.
513
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:56,000
DOORBELL CHIMES
514
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:56,000
What now?
515
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,160
I don't know.
516
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:01,760
FOOTSTEPS RECEDE
517
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,000
DANA SHRIEKS
518
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,000
Oh, my God!
519
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:06,440
LAUGHTER
520
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:06,440
DERMOT: Hey, everybody!
521
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,600
Wow, this is quite the party
we're gate-crashing.
522
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:10,320
Hello, but which one's Gareth?
523
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:11,560
There he is.
524
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:13,720
Hey, big guy!
525
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:15,720
Congratulations, big guy!
526
00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:17,880
So, Gareth,
you are our millionth caller
527
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:20,480
on the radio today, which means
you have banked yourself
528
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,920
a whopping £130,000.
529
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,920
DANA GASPS
530
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,680
The big 1-3! There we go!
531
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:27,080
WHOOPING
532
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:27,080
Hey, come on!
533
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:30,560
APPLAUSE
534
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:30,560
Woohoo! You are a lucky man.
535
00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:33,840
Thank you. Er...
Is this really happening?
536
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:36,120
It most certainly is,
my friend. Well done.
537
00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:37,800
Can I just say, Dec,
538
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:40,560
if you and Ant want tickets to
come and see Half A Sixpence,
539
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:43,800
I'm pretty sure I can arrange a
couple of house seats for you.
540
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:47,840
You'd be most welcome to come
and see if we've got the X factor!
541
00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,080
Thank you so much. Just leave
your details with my producer.
542
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:53,040
I'd love to come.
I just love you both. Thank you.
543
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:54,560
So, Gareth, what we'd love to do
544
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,840
is do a little interview with
you, pre-recorded interview...
545
00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:58,520
MUFFLED: ..to play out
on the radio tomorrow
546
00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:00,680
before the big announcement.
How does that sound?
547
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:03,880
I'd love to.
548
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,760
GARETH GASPS
549
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:18,640
Oh, no.
550
00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:20,760
DOOR OPENS
551
00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:20,760
I'm off now.
552
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:23,320
OK.
553
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:25,960
What's wrong?
554
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,560
SHAKILY: I thought I'd
fixed everything.
555
00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:30,160
I thought I was cured, but...
556
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:33,720
..it turns out it was all a dream.
557
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,120
What are you talking about,
"dream"?
558
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,720
DANA CHUCKLES
559
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:45,120
Aw, no, that's because
it's Saturday, you idiot.
560
00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:47,040
You just haven't
turned it round yet. See?
561
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:48,080
Here.
562
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,920
So, Dermot O'Leary...
563
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,560
..that all actually happened?
564
00:25:57,560 --> 00:25:59,040
Yes!
565
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,520
Bloody Dermot bloody O'Leary
in our front room.
566
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:04,240
I nearly died of shock.
567
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:05,600
You'd better come down.
568
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:07,960
Your interview's gonna be on
in a minute.
569
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:09,080
Mwah!
570
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:20,920
Right, so I'm meeting Paula
for breakfast.
571
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:22,640
I'm gonna listen to you later.
572
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:25,200
Oh, you should open this.
573
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:26,280
What is it?
574
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,360
It's the package
from yesterday. Open it.
575
00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:49,080
One last test, just to be sure.
576
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:52,560
GARETH LAUGHS UNEASILY
577
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:05,800
DANA LAUGHS
GARETH JOINS IN
578
00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:09,720
Well done, darling.
Oh, I'm so proud of you!
579
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:11,480
I'll see you later. Oh, yeah.
580
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:13,160
Enjoy your interview. Yeah.
581
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,120
DERMOT: Coming up, I chat
to our one millionth caller,
582
00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:21,000
who, yesterday,
won an incredible £130,000
583
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:22,240
on Friday the 13th!
584
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:23,680
We'll be hearing from him
585
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:27,080
and what it feels like to be
so unbelievably lucky.
586
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:29,680
Speaking of which, here's Kylie.
MUSIC: I Should Be So Lucky
by Kylie Minogue
587
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:31,760
TYRES SCREECH
588
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:31,760
THUDDING
589
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:31,760
# In my imagination
590
00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:33,600
# There is no complication
591
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:36,800
# I dream about you all the time
592
00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:39,920
# I should be so lucky... #
593
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:41,800
SONG CONTINUES
594
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:05,040
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
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