Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language.

DOOR OPENS

SHE SIGHS

I'm off now.

OK.

Are you gonna be all right getting to work?

Yes, don't worry.

I'm not worried. Why would I be worried?

HE CHUCKLES

No reason.

Go. I'm fine.

OK, I'll see you later. Yep.

SHE SIGHS

HE BREATHES ANXIOUSLY

CALENDAR CLICKS

HE BREATHES ANXIOUSLY

DOOR CLOSES

CAT GROWLS

CROAKY VOICE: Hi, Peggy. It's Gareth.

I'm not...feeling too great, to be honest.

It must've come on overnight.

Yeah, yeah, I... I think I better had.

Would you tell Dean I won't be in today?

Oh, thanks, Peggy.

Bye.

MAGPIE CAWS

NORMAL VOICE: One, two, three.

Good morning, Mr Magpie.

I'm sorry you're on your own.

So, now I've used up all my sorrow, nothing bad can happen.

Understand?

MAGPIE CAWS

DERMOT O'LEARY: So, 0808 1570685

is the number to call for

today's very special phone-in.

GARETH SIGHS

Hoping to hear from you this Friday morning,

but it's not any old Friday morning, it's Friday the 13th!

So, no doubt you're all taking extra care of yourselves

and you won't end up in A&E, having driven into a lamppost!

Our fantastic NHS staff are gonna be just twiddling their thumbs today.

Nothing to do - everyone's being so careful.

Well, I hope you get to put your feet up and have a well-deserved rest.

Here's a song just for you.

MUSIC PLAYS

DOORBELL RINGS

WOMAN: Hello?

MUSIC STOPS

You've reached the Dermot O'Leary... PHONE CLATTERS

Oh, hello.

You're in. That's lucky.

I've got a parcel for ya.

Just, er, leave it on the doorstep, thanks.

Oh, I can't. You've got to sign for it.

Ugh. Could you come back later? My wife will be in.

Oh, not really. I've got a round to do.

Besides, I think it's for you. Er, Gareth Beckman?

Yes, yes, that's me.

Well, if you can't do it today, it'll have to go back to the sorting office,

and what with it being Friday, it'll be stuck there all weekend.

All right. Fine.

Your pen's not working. Have you got another one?

Oh, no. Sorry, love.

We usually have them digital ones where you use your finger,

but I dropped mine this morning

while I were unwrapping a Belvita and it broke.

Device, not the Belvita.

Wait there.

Don't come in!

Please.

Not a single bloody pen!

DRAWER JAMS

Ow.

Damn it!

Sorry, I couldn't just quickly use your loo, could I?

I literally just told you not to come in. I'm busting.

Dr Mikos says I've got to stay hydrated cos of my condition,

but I can't just nip behind a privet like a man does, can I?

Me friend Enid got me one of them Shewees - you know, where you funnel it -

but me aim was off.

Ruined a good pair of Uggs, that did. Yeah. I'm sorry, no.

I'm not going for a crafty poo

if that's what you think.

PHONE RINGS

All right! Look, it's through there. Just be quick.

Hello?

Ah, yes. Well, I wanted to point out to Dermot O'Leary

that a study conducted in 1993

by Scanlon, Luben, Scanlon and Singleton

concluded that the risk of hospital admission

actually goes up by as much as 52% on Friday the 13th,

so, you know, get your facts right and stop broadcasting

such irresponsible crap!

Yes, you're welcome. Goodbye.

HE SCRIBBLES

MAIL CARRIER KNOCKS

Hello?

What's wrong? I can't get out!

What do you mean? Just unlock the door.

DOOR RATTLES

I can't! The handle's broke.

What have you done to it?

Nothing! It just came off in me hand.

Could you hurry up, please? I don't like confined spaces.

I need to get a screwdriver. Wait there.

I don't have much choice, do I?

No. Out.

CAT MEOWS

Hey, you, get out! I can't!

Not you!

CAT GROWLS

Hello...

Hello. What are you doing under there?

Hey?

CAT HISSES

Argh!

Shit!

HE SIGHS

HE MAKES KISSING NOISES

Hello.

HE MAKES KISSING NOISES

Come on!

CAT GROWLS

Come on.

SINGSONG: Here, come on, where are you?

HE MAKES KISSING NOISES

Come on...

Hello!

CAT YOWLS

CAT MEOWS

HE SIGHS

OK...

Do you know...

...a man came up to me the other day and said, "Have you seen my cat?

"He's got black fur,

"patchy with mange.

"He's missing his right ear,

"he's blind in one eye,

"and only has three legs

"due to a recent traffic accident."

I said, "What's his name?"

And the man said...

..."Lucky."

WATER SPRAYS FIERCELY

CAT MEOWS

WATER TURNS OFF

MAIL CARRIER: I'm not being funny, but I've got library books

that need taking back!

HE SIGHS

Dr Mikos said there's a danger of me having a fit.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Who are you?

Barry Styles, locksmith.

Apparently, you've trapped a lady in your downstairs toilet.

I didn't trap her. She went in of her own accord!

I don't need to know the details, sir.

I just need you to know it's an £80 call-out fee.

HE SIGHS

Get me out! I can't breathe!

I'm not paying that. I didn't call you.

I'll pay it! I'll pay anything. Just get me out!

I was about to get you out. I just need to get a screwdriver!

Can you move this? Yeah. Sorry about that.

I have to bring everything in from

the van or it all gets nicked!

PHONE RINGS

Kids today! I don't know!

Can you shift it, please? I can't get by.

One sec.

Hiya, love. Did you find it all right?

Yeah, I'm at number 9...

HE BREATHES QUICKLY

HE WHIMPERS

I'm getting a bit dizzy!

I'm coming! Just...

Ooh, this might set me fits off! Hold on.

What's going on? I can hear banging!

Hello!

I've got tinnitus as well, you know!

Ever since I saw Whitesnake at the Albert Hall.

Huh! I told them the speakers were too loud!

I wrote them a letter,

but I didn't hear anything back.

Well, apart from my tinnitus.

I'm not paying if I need syringing again!

Oh, no.

Oh!

THUDDING CLATTERING

Oh, dear me, I'm sorry about that.

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine.

I just want both of you to leave as soon as possible.

I can't have people in the house today.

Grandad! Grandad! Hello, cherub!

Who's this, now?

This is me granddaughter, Bethany.

I've just gotta look after her for a couple of hours.

Me daughter-in-law's got band practice.

Thanks for doing this, Barry.

GARETH GASPS

I won't be long.

I'll leave her bag with you.

Oh, hello!

Are you the fella that's locked a woman in his toilet?

WOMAN: Yes, he is! No, I'm not.

Well, Bethany will be no trouble.

It's just we've got a special gig today

and we need to work on My Ding-a-Ling.

Can I ask you to step outside, please?

One second. I've got to sort her lunch box.

I can't have those in here! Those what?

Peacock feathers. Are you allergic?

Yes, to the evil eye, and you're covered in them

and they're incredibly bad luck!

Don't say that. They're lovely.

Look, feel them.

Urgh, get them away from me! Get out! Get out, get out!

Hey, hey, come on, now. There's no need for that!

It's all right, Barry.

Now, you be a good girl for Grandad

and Mummy will see you later.

Is there any chance I could nip to your upstairs loo?

Definitely not. Why?

Because we can't cross on the stairs.

Someone obviously got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Don't say that. I'll have to dust off my Shewee.

See you later, darling.

Come on, then, let's do a nice picture in the kitchen.

Yes, make yourself at home, why don't you?!

WOMAN: Have you got that screwdriver yet?

I'm getting it, I'm getting it!

I don't know if you want to hear this now,

but your flush is broken, by the way.

Yes, of course it is! What with that and the lock,

well, they say bad luck comes in threes.

What's number two?

Your flush is broken, by the way.

Unbelievable.

Thanking you, sir!

Right, let's establish what we're looking at here.

Excuse me, where are your...?

Oh, no!

You can't put shoes on the table!

BARRY: It's all right. They're brand-new!

Well, that's even worse!

Stop! Stop!

It wards off evil spirits.

GARETH CRIES OUT

CAT YOWLS

Argh!

THUDDING BETHANY LAUGHS

Is everything OK, sir?

Please, just be quick.

WOMAN: Yes, hurry up!

DOOR KNOB RATTLES

Yeah, all right, madam. Can you not do that, please?

You're jiggling the mechanism

and making my life even more difficult.

May I ask how the lady came to be inside the bathroom, sir?

She wanted a pee. What else would she be doing in there?

Well, you tell me. I don't want any more nasty surprises.

WOMAN: Well, there might be one.

Especially now there's a child on the premises.

Yes, a child you brought here. I didn't ask for any of this!

BARRY: Here we go!

WOOD SPLINTERS

Oh, finally!

WOMAN GASPS

Oh, my God!

Oh, thank you!

Deep breaths. You're all right.

Now, just for my own peace of mind,

you went in there of your own free will, yes?

The gentleman didn't force ya?

Cos I do know the words for a citizen's arrest.

What?

Oh, the room's spinning.

I think I'm gonna be sick!

SHE RETCHES

Yeah, the internal mechanism's buggered,

by the look of things. Heh.

It'll be £150 for a new tailpiece,

plus labour, of course... Of course.

I might've been able to salvage it,

but she's been hacking away at it with this screw,

by the look of things.

WOMAN COUGHS

Where did you get...?

TENSE STRINGS CRESCENDO Oh, my God!

Help me! Don't let it drop.

Can you... Can you put it back in?

It'll cost ya. Just do it!

I don't need any more bad luck today.

DOOR CLICKS BETHANY GIGGLES

OMINOUS STRINGS PLAY

BARRY: Imagine you're on a beach... WOMAN EXHALES DEEPLY

You're looking out at a wide open horizon.

BREATHES DEEPLY

You can feel the cool breeze

on your face.

THEY MOUTH SILENTLY

GARETH BLOWS

BARRY: Can you feel it?

Yes.

There's not another soul for miles around...

..the waves are lapping, the sun's shining...

Oh, have I got sunblock on? I burn easily.

Yeah, yeah, you do.

You put it on earlier. Factor 20.

Only 20? Sorry, 50.

I've not got me glasses on.

Just think about how calm you are.

Not a care in the world.

Oh, it smells of coffee, this breeze.

It stinks.

Look, this is ridiculous! I'm sorry!

There's a toddler out there. God knows what she's getting up to!

Me daughter-in-law's on her way over, I told ya.

Bethany's a good girl. She won't get up to any mischief.

I should never have answered the door, today of all days.

I knew it as well! I knew it!

You don't believe in all that Friday the 13th stuff, do you?

Yes, of course I do! Look where I've ended up -

trapped in a toilet with you two.

But that's got nothing to do with the date.

It's just circumstance.

Oh, so says Mr Shoes On The Table!

You're inviting bad luck.

From who, though?

The universe! I opened the door and, boom, utter chaos!

That's a very negative attitude, if you don't mind me saying.

Tell that to Jesus,

crucified on so-called Good Friday,

after the Last Supper where there were 13 guests.

I didn't know they had Fridays in them days.

Of course they did!

Chaucer talks about it in the Middle Ages!

"And on a Friday fell all his mischance."

The Knights Templar were tortured

by King Philip IV of France on Friday the 13th 1307.

Public hangings happened on a Friday.

And there were 13 steps up to the gallows.

And what about all them kids that got chopped up by a madman

at that lake in America? That was...

Friday the 13th.

Yeah. They made a film about it.

There's lots of good things happen on a Friday too, though.

The end of the working week, fish and chips...

I bought my big telly on Black Friday.

Mind you, it was half the bloody price a month later.

It's swings and roundabouts, in't it?

You've pepped up all of a sudden.

What happened to your claustrophobia?

It's being on this lovely beach.

Hmm. Just makes me feel so relaxed.

What time is it, by the way?

Er...

Ooh, I dunno. My watch has stopped.

Oh, no... 13 minutes past.

Right, that's it!

GARETH PANTS

BETHANY GIGGLES

Dana, what...?

What are you doing here?

Is everything OK?

Are you OK?

It's fine. I'm fine.

Why didn't you let us out?

And who...? Who's this?

Dr Marcel Rogers.

Your wife asked me to prepare this treatment for you.

Treatment?

What do you mean?

I didn't know what else to do.

Allow me to introduce my friends,

Sue and Johnny Robbins,

from the Little Marlow Amateur Dramatics Society.

At your service!

The magic of theatre.

And let's not forget our juve lead, Shelley.

Come on in. No need to be ashamed.

Such a pleasure working with you.

They kindly took time out of rehearsing Half A Sixpence

to be here today.

I do hope we gave you what you wanted.

The reviews are in and you were excellent, dear, as always.

Oh, you know I don't read reviews, darling!

Dana, what...what is all this?

I know it's extreme, but Dr Rogers said it was the only thing that would work.

Exposure therapy, or exposure in vivo, as we call it -

putting you, Mr Beckman, in direct contact

with your greatest fears.

Your wife explained to me that your paraskevidekatriaphobia

was becoming unmanageable.

My what?

Paraskevidekatriaphobia.

It's a fear of Friday the 13th.

BARRY: Puts me in mind of the Gilbert and Sullivan

we did last year.

# I am the very model of a paraskevidekatriaphobiac! #

THEY LAUGH

So...what, you've all just been tricking me?

To... To what end? To give me a stroke?

I appreciate that the experience

is very anxiety-inducing, Mr Beckman,

but you needed to stay in the situation long enough

for your irrational fear to subside.

For that, we needed to create

a fully realised worst-case scenario,

hence the arrival of your unwanted guests.

I just loved all that improv on the doorstep.

I mean, Belvita - where did that come from?

It was magnificent! So, so funny.

Oh, bless you.

But it was the teeth, I think, and the accent.

Funnily enough, we both just read them as Northern.

She was exactly the same in last year's Ayckbourn.

Well, maybe not exactly the same,

but thank you, darling.

And Johnny here went all Method, of course.

We had tools out all over the living room.

Mm, I read a very interesting article in the Mail

about Cumberbatch and I thought that was the way

to go with Barry Styles.

VOICE BREAKING: But I shall miss him, that's for sure.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Gareth!

Who is THIS?!

Where did you get her? Sylvia Young?

No, but she is on the waiting list. My granddaughter,

who did a wonderful performance, I thought.

Absolutely. Bravo!

APPLAUSE

She will make a first-class Rosalind when she's older.

I'm sorry, but this is bullshit!

You're all talking like what I'm saying is irrational,

but it isn't! As I just explained in there!

That was a lovely scene, by the way.

It wasn't a scene. It was real!

I was explaining the real world history of this phenomenon.

What phenomenon?

Er, bad luck!

It's not luck, though, Gareth!

You avoid walking under a ladder

because something might fall on your head.

You won't put shoes on the table because you're gonna eat off it.

Actors don't like saying "Macbeth"

because there are sword fights in it and people get genuinely injured!

BARRY: Oh, no, she mentioned the Scottish play!

BOTH SPIT

BOTH: Piss pots!

BOTH CHUCKLE

And you think I'M the one that needs fucking therapy?

That'll be our cue for the interval.

Shall we? Come on, Bethany.

There's some lovely cake waiting for you

in the green room.

Perhaps you ought to tell me what's really going on here, Gareth.

What do you mean?

Your wife tells me there was an inciting incident.

Can you tell me about October 13th 1978?

I believe it was a Friday.

GARETH SIGHS

How could you?

I had to.

It's taking over our lives.

Every Friday the 13th,

three times a year,

you are obsessed!

I'm not obsessed.

And it's not three times a year. It's twice this year,

twice next year and one time the year after that.

Why don't you tell me what happened?

You were on a school trip to France...

..skiing in Le Corbier.

But on that Friday morning you had a stomach-ache

and you didn't want to go.

So you watched as all your classmates got on that coach

and drove away.

CHILDREN CHATTERING ECHOES

That was the last you saw of them.

The coach skidded on black ice.

TYRES SCREECH

FLAMES WHOOSH

And it came off the road.

All of them died.

Except you.

Survivor's guilt

and its association with that date

has blighted you ever since.

It's time for you to confront your fears, Gareth,

and put an end to it.

We want you to smash the mirror.

GARETH SCOFFS

What? No.

Break it.

Break it.

I can't.

Friday the 13th is just another day,

a day when something terrible happened in 1978

that wasn't your fault.

SLOW HARP NOTES PLAY STRINGS PLAY QUIETLY

Seven years' bad luck.

Break the mirror, Gareth!

And set yourself free.

DISCORDANT STRINGS BUILD

I'm sorry.

GLASS SHATTERS HORN BLARING ECHOES

CHILDREN SCREAMING ECHOES

TYRES SCREECH FLAMES WHOOSH

HORN STOPS

Well done.

DOORBELL CHIMES

What now?

I don't know.

FOOTSTEPS RECEDE

DANA SHRIEKS

Oh, my God!

LAUGHTER

DERMOT: Hey, everybody!

Wow, this is quite the party we're gate-crashing.

Hello, but which one's Gareth?

There he is.

Hey, big guy!

Congratulations, big guy!

So, Gareth, you are our millionth caller

on the radio today, which means you have banked yourself

a whopping £130,000.

DANA GASPS

The big 1-3! There we go!

WHOOPING

Hey, come on!

APPLAUSE

Woohoo! You are a lucky man.

Thank you. Er... Is this really happening?

It most certainly is, my friend. Well done.

Can I just say, Dec,

if you and Ant want tickets to come and see Half A Sixpence,

I'm pretty sure I can arrange a couple of house seats for you.

You'd be most welcome to come and see if we've got the X factor!

Thank you so much. Just leave your details with my producer.

I'd love to come. I just love you both. Thank you.

So, Gareth, what we'd love to do

is do a little interview with you, pre-recorded interview...

MUFFLED: ..to play out on the radio tomorrow

before the big announcement. How does that sound?

I'd love to.

GARETH GASPS

Oh, no.

DOOR OPENS

I'm off now.

OK.

What's wrong?

SHAKILY: I thought I'd fixed everything.

I thought I was cured, but...

..it turns out it was all a dream.

What are you talking about, "dream"?

DANA CHUCKLES

Aw, no, that's because it's Saturday, you idiot.

You just haven't turned it round yet. See?

Here.

So, Dermot O'Leary...

..that all actually happened?

Yes!

Bloody Dermot bloody O'Leary in our front room.

I nearly died of shock.

You'd better come down.

Your interview's gonna be on in a minute.

Mwah!

Right, so I'm meeting Paula for breakfast.

I'm gonna listen to you later.

Oh, you should open this.

What is it?

It's the package from yesterday. Open it.

One last test, just to be sure.

GARETH LAUGHS UNEASILY

DANA LAUGHS GARETH JOINS IN

Well done, darling. Oh, I'm so proud of you!

I'll see you later. Oh, yeah.

Enjoy your interview. Yeah.

DERMOT: Coming up, I chat to our one millionth caller,

who, yesterday, won an incredible £130,000

on Friday the 13th!

We'll be hearing from him

and what it feels like to be so unbelievably lucky.

Speaking of which, here's Kylie. MUSIC: I Should Be So Lucky by Kylie Minogue

TYRES SCREECH

THUDDING

# In my imagination

# There is no complication

# I dream about you all the time

# I should be so lucky... #

SONG CONTINUES

Subtitles by Red Bee Media