All language subtitles for In.God.We.Trust.1980.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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[ Man ]
Our father,
which art in heaven--

[ Yawns ]

* The Other Day
A friend of mine said

* He Said That God's
Not even with us

* He Said That God
Is really dead

* He Said, Oh, Pal
A fact's a fact

* You Can't Believe
That magic act

* I Said I Don't
And that was that

* Now I Say
Good for god

* Good For God

* He Goes And Makes
The planet blue

* And All The Thanks
He gets from you

* Is Look At All That Poo-poo
In the yard

* Good For God

* I Bet His Life Up There
Is very hard

* He Knows Each Time
A sparrow falls

* But Who Can Answer
All his calls

* Good For God

* Good For God

* I Bet He's Got
A very hard job

* Ain't Got No Mama

* Ain't Got No Papa

* Good For God

[ Snoring ]

[ Alarm ringing ]

[ Yawns ]

[ Crowing feebly ]

[ Clearing throat ]

[ Crowing continues ]

[ Crowing continues ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Crowing continues ]

Good morning, god.
It's me, ambrose.

Whoops. Oh, dear.
Sorry, I'm a bit behind today,
but the rooster went off late.

Thank you for sparing me
for another day.

Of course, that goes
without saying, doesn't it?

Except it doesn't,
because in your book,

it commands us to give
constant thanks day and night.

I can't imagine why you'd want
anyone to keep thanking you
for all eternity,day and night

I should think you'd be bored
with it by now.

I know I would.

I mean, it's not as if
you're insecure or anything,

or even as if you had
an identity problem.

I mean, after all, you made me
in your own image, didn't you?

I can't imagine you
looking like that, somehow.

Still,

you made me on the morning
of the sixth day.

That was saturday.

Well, you might have had
a rough friday night.
Who knows?

Anyway, I can't stand
around here talking. You don't
wanna hear my problems.

I'm sure you've got
problems of your own.

So, uh--

I'll see you tomorrow, eh?

I mean, I'll be here,
and I know you'll be there,

and if I'm not here,
well, I'll be there.

By the way,
have a nice day, and amen.

[ Grunts ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Monks coughing, groaning ]

[ Fly buzzing ]

Shh!

[ Muffled screaming ]

[ Bell tolling ]

[ Rhythmic squeaking ]

[ Squeaking continues,
knuckles cracking ]

[ Squeaking,
cracking continue,
stomach growling ]

[ Squeaking, cracking,
growling continue,
beads jingling ]

[ All sounds continue ]

[ All sounds continue,
cushion squeaking ]

[ All sounds continue,
rhythmically ]

[ Bell tolling ]

[ All sounds continue,
rhythmically ]

[ Monks groaning, wheezing ]

[ Groaning, wheezing
stop, all sigh ]

* [ Monks Chanting ]

Oh, there you are,
ambrose.

Tell me something.
You are happy here,
aren't you?

You are happy--
[ Mumbles ]

oh, I beg your pardon.
I forgot.

Yes, of course,
you have my permission
to speak, of course.

I think I'm happy, father.
I don't know. It's the only
world I've ever known.

I think it's glorious
at your age
and still celibate.

Good. Who with?
I was celibate again
last night, father.

Myself.
Three times.

Oh, careful.
Four would be pride.

No, no, I'm happy here,
father. It's my home.

You never wish to visit
another world?

You never think you'd like
to know what's going on
outside these walls?

Father, why are you
asking me all this now?

Because we're sending you
on a mission, out there.

Why-why-why me?

Well, you see,
we've fallen on hard times,

and when we renounce
the material world,
and we ask god for nothing,

and in his benevolence
he gave us nothing,
immediately and ever since.

But father, we took
a vow of poverty.

Oh, well, the price
of poverty's gone up.

We can't afford the luxury
of being poor anymore.

Besides, the landlords--
they want $5,000 off
the mortgage.

But where can we get
that kind of money, father?
We live by charity.

You're going to save us.

You are going to get us
the money.

I'll tell you how.
H-how can I?

Who?
You go and visit
armageddon t. Thunderbird.

Armageddon t. Thunderbird is
a holy man, a philanthropist.

Gives money to worthy causes.

You state your case well,
and you'll get the money.

Father, I-i-i'm afraid.
There's his address.
There's his address.

I've never been outside.
I'm-i'm not worthy.

You'll have to
have some money.

Give you $50.
That's all we got.

There you are.
You take it. Can I have
time to think it over?

Yes, my son,
you'll have plenty of time
to think about it.

You see, father,
I've just never been inside
the outside world and--

[ Echoing ]
Help! Let me in!
I'm innocent!

Bless you, my son. Thank you
for making the right decision.
I'm innocent!

God bless. Godspeed.
Vaya con dios.
Let me in!

Have a nice day.
Please, father!

[ Monks mumbling ]
Let me in!

[ Screams ]

[ Truck horn honking ]

* [ Bells Chiming ]

Greetings,
companion in christ.

Yes, I'm talkin' to you, jim.

Is it not written
that those who are cast down
shall be raised up?

[ Ringing ]
Arise and behold! The chariot
of the lord awaiteth.

Haul thine ass aboard.

Oh, thank you.

[ Engine backfiring ]

[ Ambrose ]
This really is
very kind of you.

Dr. Sebastian melmoth.
Evangelist,
Doctor of divinity,

wandering scholar,
licensed purveyor
of religious novelties.

Brother ambrose, monk.

Welcome to my church.

This really is
a church then?

My goodness.
Ah, yes,
a traveling church.

Like the missionaries
of old,

I sally forth
across the land...

Laying the word
on the good people.

- that sounds wonderful.
- ah! Then, would you care
for a blast, my son?

It's a fine, holy wine.
I-i--

Uh, no, thanks.
oh, you'll be amused
by its humility.

No, uh, I never drink except,
of course, after the wafer.

[ Laughing ]
Quite right.

Unwise to celebrate the lord
on an empty stomach.

Move over!
[ Honking ]

same to you, fella!

[ Spanish ]

Up thine!
And thy mother's!

And thy mother's
mother's!

Peace.
Ah, ha-ha, yes.
Peace. Peace.

Yes.
You're bound, I take it,
for the city of Los Angeles?

Ah, yes, the city
of lost angels.

So many wonderful
sinners there.

* Onward Christian Soldiers

* [ Both ]
Marching On To War

* With The Cross Of Jesus

* Marching On Before

Oh, yes, you will.

The lord's work
is never done.

Right there.
Good. Move 'em.

Here we go. Oh, yes.
[ Sighs ]

This is as far as I go.

Thank you, Dr. Melmoth.
You've been very kind.

Don't mention it.
Don't mention it.

Oh, do me a favor, will you,
and help these tired old legs?

Certainly, Dr. Melmoth.
Pick it up, will you, please?
Freeze. Don't move a muscle.

I don't want
your money, my son.
No, I'm not interested

[ Whispering ]
Shut up and don't argue.
What are you talking about?

If I see human suffering,
it is my duty to help,
if I can, without thought...

To material or personal gain.

Now, my son, how long
have you been thus afflicted?

Since childhood.
Afflicted? I--
what are you talking about?

Now, I claim no powers
for myself.

But--
The lord works
through my hands.

I will make
this wretched creature
walk upright.

I feel--
Do you feel the power
coursing through you?

Let me go, please.
do you feel
the electricity?

Let me go. Please.
Ooh, do you believe?
Ooh, do you believe?

[ Crowd gasping ]
Out, devil spirit!
Heal!

See?
He stands!

Oh, jesus!
It's a miracle!
He stands up straight!

Take your money, son.
The lord doesn't want it.
He doesn't need it.

He's made you whole!
Praise the lord!

Walk in the lord, my son.
Walk!

Run! Beat it!
It's a miracle!
Step right up, sinners.

Take a miracle home with you.

Get your levitating
lazarus doll.

See him rise from the dead
in the privacy
of your own home.

Hello, kiddies. I'm lazarus.

I'm alive again. Why don't you
stand up for jesus?

* [ Man ]
The Other Day
A friend of mine said

* He Said That God's
Not even with us

* He Said That God
Is really dead

* He Said, Oh, Pal
A fact's a fact

* You Can't Believe
That magic act

* I Said I Don't
And that was that

* -Now I say
good for god
- [ No audible dialogue ]

* Good for god

* [ Chanting ]

* He Goes And Make
This planet blue

* And All The Thanks
He gets from you

* Is Look At All That Poo-poo
In the yard

* Good For God

* I Bet His Life Up There
Was very hard

* He Knows Each Time
A sparrow falls

* But Who Can Answer
All his calls

* -Good for god
- we must wait
for the son to return--

...Prophecy of doom!
* Good For God

* I Bet He's Got
A very hard job

* I'm Awfully Glad
I'm here to say

* He Made It Possible
For me to be here
to say

* Good For God

Instrumental.

* Good Lord

* Good For God

* Now, If Truth Is Truth
And it's easy
if you know the truth

* That's The Truth
So help me god

* Good For God

* Say, Good For God

[ Gasps ]
* Good For God

[ Screams ]

Excuse me, sir,
you dropped your photos!
Your photos!

They aren't mine.
They were his.
They were his.

I wouldn't. I mean--
oh, my god!

* Good For God

* Now, If Truth Is Truth
And it's easy
if you know the truth

* That's The Truth
So help me god

* Good For God

* Say, Good For God

* Good For God

* He's Got A Hard Job

* Before They Put Me
In a hole

* I Pray To God I Find
A big limo

[ Siren wailing ]
* Good For Me

* And Good For God

[ Honking ]

Father! Father!

I'm not a father.
I'm a brother, sister.
What is it you wanted?

Huh?
The sanctuary of the church.

Oh.

It's all right.
What are you doing
under there?

I was brought up in a convent.
Just hide me
till the cops go by.

Yes.
Are they still there?

Right. Look casual,

and keep walking.

[ Clears throat,
whistles ]

* Every Time It Rains
It rains pennies from heaven

* Da, Do, Da, La, Do
Don't you know

* Each Cloud Contains
Pennies from heaven *

And the confusion
and the noise
and people running about.

Well, I've never seen--
oh, well, maybe you have.

I've never seen anything
like this in my life.
Then the way we met.

I mean, the I met you,
rather the way you met--
the way you met me.

What?
Oh, my god.

I just realized how awful
it must've been for you
when I dived under your robe.

Well, it was a bit strange.

I mean, I've never met a woman
in my life before,

let alone, had one
on the premises,
if you know what I mean.

No, honestly.
Oh, come on.

Well, I've seen pictures
in the bible,

but they were wearing
these loose flowing robes,

and you can't tell
what they've got
underneath them.

See, that--
not like with you.
I mean, with you,

I can get some idea
of what you've got.

I mean, you've got legs
and bumpy bits.

Those things,
you know?
What?

Uh-huh, mm-hmm.
Oh, you mean my boobies?

What about them?

Nothing. I think
they look very well on you.
They suit you.

Oh, yeah.
You really do?

'Cause I always thought
they were kinda
on the smallish side.

Not to me.
They're bigger than mine.
You know what I mean?

they're huge. Huge.
Well--

No.
Really? Gee, it's
a very nice thing to say.

- no, it really is.
Then again, what do you know?
- that's true.

Would you like a taste?

Good?
Mmm! Mmm!

Think it needs
a little more mustard, eh?

Just--
No. It is just right.

you really are
an innocent, aren't you?

It's touching.
I suppose so.

It really is. It's touching,
in a disgusting kind of way.

You see, I know a lot
about the theory of sin,

but I don't know anything
about the practice.

I mean, for instance,

What?
fornication.

The bible's full of it.
You mustn't do it.

It's sinful.
You'll go to hell.

But it doesn't tell you
how to do it, so how
do you know you're not?

I mean, for all I know,
I might be sitting here
right now, fornicating.

Thanks.
No, you're not.
If you were, I'd tell ya.

That couple over there
sucking each other's
mouths--

Oh, sorry.
would you keep it down
a little bit?

Are-are they fornicating?

They're kissing.
They're just kissing.

That's phase one.
Kissing.

When they get home, they'll
probably move into phase two.
Ah!

Oh, you...
Fornicate in phases.

Oh, yeah, that is,
if you're not pressed
for time. Ah.

See, sex-- sex is
very much like a meal.

I'll show you.

See this menu?

If you were gonna order a
meal, you wouldn't go right
for the main course,would you?

Wouldn't you like to have
a little appetizer first?

You know, like, uh,
a little chopped liver?

It's an appetizer.
That's kissing.
That's what kissing is.

Chopped liver.
Chopped liver.
Yeah.

Chopped liver.
Yeah, that's all.

Number one-- chopped liver.
Phase one.
Good. Chopped liver.

Phase one.

What?
I wonder if you would
do me a great favor?

Well, you see,
if all these phases lead
to fornication,

would you mind writing down
all the things
that I must avoid...

In the right order?

If it's not
too much trouble.

Oh, no, listen,
I'd be glad to do it.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Now, what'd you want?
You want a list here, right?

Everything to avoid.
Of everything
you're not supposed to do?

yeah?
Okay. Uh, well,
number one--

Uh, number one
we went through already--
is kissing.

Right?
Kissing.

Right, kissing.

Now, number two--

bumpy bits.
take hold of the, uh--

Yeah. Shh!
You take it,
but not like that.

You could hurt someone
like that. It's not a claw.

It's a very gentle
kind of movement. You know,
it's like a very caressing--

[ Moaning ]

Oh, that's very nice.
[ Moaning ]

Mmm! That's good.
That's good, that's good.
Okay.

Number two, right. No, it's
okay, you can stop. Just keep
it to yourself, okay?

Take hold of the... Bits.
I've got it.

I'll just put--
you'll remember, right?
Now, number three--

Yeah.
now, number three
is very technical.

So I'm gonna draw you
a diagram on number three,
okay? Mm-hmm.

Now, this is a picture
of a woman.

Aha, yes, I can see
the bumpy bits.

Oh.
No, those are puffed sleeves.
She's wearing a dress.

And then you make love.
I don't know why
you always get that one wrong.

You get into bed first,
then make love.

So my 74 goes
where my 75 was.
Use your logic on that one.

Yes. You know, making love's
supposed to be spontaneous.

Why do you think there are
hundreds of books out
how to do it right?

Oh. Oh, good night.
Well, here's where I live.

Yeah. Bye. Where are you
staying tonight?

Sure you'll be all right?
I don't know.
I'll find somewhere.

Oh, yeah, I've got
lots of money.

The abbot gave me
more than $50.
I have--

What?
melmoth.

No, it's nothing.

Good night.
Okay. Bye.
Good night.

* [ Singing, Indistinct ]
[ Shower running ]

Number one--
chopped liver, kissing.
[ Makes kissing sound ]

Number two--
[ Moaning ]

[ Continues moaning ]

Number three--
three was--

[ Laughing ]
So many things to remember
to avoid.

Hello, god.
It's me, ambrose.

Sorry to bother you,

but if you wanted us to ignore
fleshly sins, why did you
make us out of meat?

I mean, you could've made us
out of anything.

You could've made us
out of burlap or rubber
or wood, jell-o, anything.

I know. You work
in mysterious ways.

But we don't.
Human beings, I mean.

Tomorrow night, I'll take you
to see armageddon t.
Thunderbird

Ambrose.
By the way,
what's your name?

Good night, ambrose.
My name is mary.

Mary?

[ Moaning ]

I can't stand it any more.
I can't stand it.

What are you doing in there?

The abbot said,
if everything else fails,
a cold shower'll do it.

Bumpy bits.

[ Moaning ]

[ Priest laughing ]
With a chicken--

[ Clears throat ]
Get out of here,
you filthy swine.

Out!
Next!

Serving number 12.

Serving number 12.

Kneel down
and make it snappy.

Cut the frills
and get straight
to the meat and potatoes.

Yes, yes.
Forgive me, father,
for I have sinned.

[ Stammering ]

Whine. Tell me about it.
Well, you whine about this,
and you whine about that.

And the-- oh!

It's death
and transfiguration.

Don't worry about me.

If you'll just start,
and I'll get
the general drift.

Last night, father,
I was tormented
by an impure thought.

I said, I was tormented
by an impure thought.
I can't hear you.

I-- it was about mary.
Could you speak up,
please?

Mary! I wanted to take
her clothes off!
What? Louder!

You wanted to do what?
Speak up, I can't hear you!

You are mumbling!
I wanted to take
her clothes off.

I wanted to take
her clothes off
and caress her bumpy bits!

Bits!
Her what?

Fondling. You know--
[ Moaning ]

You know?
What?

Number three!
And then I wanted to try
number 30!

O-or maybe do number 15
twice, instead.

A-a-and then, I wanted to take
her by the--

And-- both her--
[ Honking ]

again!
And again!

Until I was exhausted!

But I'm a monk, father.
What shall I do?

I didn't hear a damn word
you said.

That'll be, uh--

I'm afraid I only have, uh--

two dollars.
Yeah, I'll have that.

[ Cash register dings ]
Have a nice day!

[ Clears throat ]

[ Cheering ]

[ Crowd cheering ]
Do you believe in god?

[ Announcer ]
The church of divine profit...

Humbly presents
the armageddon t. Thunderbird
crusade.

And here he is,
god's buddy, AT.T. Himself.

do you love god?

[ Together ] yes!

- I mean, do you
really love god?
- [ Together ] yes!

has he been good to you?

[ Together ] yes!

I thought so.

[ Together ] yes!
And have you been good
to him?

oh, really?

[ Together ] yes.

liars!

no!

Because I just spoke to him,
and do you have any idea
where he is right now?

God is in the hospital!
[ Together ] no!

[ Gasping, chattering ]

In the intensive care unit!

[ Together ] no!
And do you know
who put him there?

Y-o-u.

[ Gasping, chattering ]

He looked so pale.

[ Crying ]

Why are you crying?
Isn't that what you wanted?

Do you wanna see him
pull through?
[ Together ] no!

All right!
I said to him,
[ Together ] yes!

"I am your servant, lord.
What do you want?"

"Everything, armageddon.
Everything.

I need money
to put it right."

"But what will you give them
in return?" I queried.

And then he said,

"I will assure them
a place forever
in the kingdom of heaven."

And that's--
[ Cheering ]

and that's rent-free!

[ Together ] yes!
Now, doesn't that sound
like a good deal?

Well, then put thy money
where is thy mouth!

And I'm not just asking
the people here
in the studio audience.

I'm askin' you,
you and you!

* In God We Trust

* Invest In Him On High

* The Sweetest Buy

* Is In The By And By

* Each Buck To Him

* Shall Be Tax-free
We're told

* And Shall Return
And be ten thousandfold

* All Together

* And Shall Return And Be

* Ten Thousandfold

I didn't understand
a word he was talking about.

He's supposed to be
a christian. I don't--
I don't understand.

This is awfully confusing
for you, isn't it?

'Tis a bit.

Well, I think
you've had a big day,

and I think you should
go to sleep now, okay?

[ Yawning ]
You look sweet
in pink.

I'm gonna go
and see him tomorrow.

Mm-hmm.
You're gonna go see
armageddon?

When he understands,
he'll help.

[ Sighs ]
Poor ambrose.

I wonder if god will ever
forgive you your virtues?

Excuse me.

[ Shower running ]

Good afternoon.
I'd like to see Mr.
Thunderbird.

I-i've got this letter
from the abbot.
Not today. He's too busy.

You got it!
I'm one of the meek. I'm
supposed to inherit the earth.

You just don't understand,
ambrose.

I understand I
don't understand,
but what don't I understand?

That the meek may inherit
the earth, but not until the
strong are finished with it.

And by that time,
it won't even be worth having.

But it could take weeks.
Oh, I'll get in
to see him, finally.

I'll get a job
in the meantime.
Look, is there anything

Oh, look, ambrose, listen.
You don't need to work.

I mean, you could come
and stay at my place, right?

What do you do?
I really do make enough money
for both of us.

Well, for a living,
what do you do?
What?

Oh, uh, I wouldn't even
concern myself about that,
if I were you.

Well, maybe you could get me
a job doing it with you.

I'm good with my hands.
Well, I could
look into it.

[ Woman speaking spanish ]

[ Bell ringing ]

Hey. Hey! Come back!
Dr. Melmoth!

Philistine!

All right, monk!

All right, I'm going.

Thanks, but I feel rotten.
Hi. You look
so nauseous.

Oh, ambrose,
how many times are you
gonna keep on trying?

Well,
till I get in and see him.
You see, if I could show him

What, what?
I got an idea.

No, no.
Couldn't you just pray
to god for the money?

No, ask for money,
and you spoil a friendship.

I've gotta see him personally.
Mr. Thunderbird'll understand.
He's a christian.

No, being born in a christian
home doesn't necessarily
make you christian...

Any more than being born
in a bakery makes you a bagel.

I mean, maybe Mr. Thunderbird
just isn't even interested
in your old monastery.

No, if I can get in
to see him personally,
I'll get in eventually.

But it could take months.
I'll get in, I'll get in.

All right, in the meantime,
I can just get another job.
I mean, what can I lose?

Nothing.
Just another job.

* Every Time It Rains
It rains pennies from heaven

* [ Scatting ]
Every Time *

[ Scatting continues ]

Oh, good morning.
Good morning.

I can't afford
to lose time.
Don't you ever rest?

It's pasadena
by next wednesday.
That's my schedule.

You know, a man's
got to have a goal.

Otherwise
we've got communism.

And I'm tap-dancing
to keep this great land
of ours free.

Good luck.
I'll see you sometime.
So long.

Step right up.
Step up, sinners.
Step right up and repent.

Do not cop a plea
unto the almighty.

Saying, "oh, lord,
I'm but a poor sinner."

For the lord
shall say unto thee,
"bullshit, my child."

His eye is on the sparrow,
so you can bet your ass
he's got you covered.

And you and you. So step
right up and find the lord.
A buck a throw.

Yes, the lord is here
in my hand. Everyone
wants to find the lord.

The lord goes into hiding,
and those who seek him
will find him.

Where is he now?
Try thy luck.

Find the lord.
Who will find the lord?
It's a wonderful game.

Everybody wins,
goes to heaven.
Try thy luck. A lousy buck

Yes,
sir, and now, where is he?
Oh, no, I'm sorry,

- but a blessing to you too.
The game continues.
- Dr. Melmoth!

This man is a heretic.
He stole my money!
He's a thief!

- he's obviously deranged.
- Stop him, stop him.
He's a thief.

- Give me my money back.
- get out of here.
Fanatic!

Vegetarian!
I won't give up
the lord's work.

Get away from me,
you snake worshiper!
[ Groaning ]

That a holy man
such as yourself should
descend to violence.

In the name-- in the name
of all that's sacred,

let me up,
you little asshole.

[ Groaning ]

- you should be disgusted
with yourself.
- oh, I am, I am.

Pray for me.

Let thy hand, which is
raised in violence,

clasp its brother
in heavenly supplication,
even as I do.

Father, forgive him...

For he knoweth not
what he doeth.

Forgive me even more...

For I knoweth--

take that, monk!

Wait for me! Stop!
Wait for me!

Of course, I forgive you,
but I still don't know
what I'm doing here.

Look, I'm offering you
the chance of a lifetime.

A full partnership
in my church for nothing.

Why me?

Because you have
a certain quality,

a kind of eerie innocence.

People look at you
and have to believe there's
a better world somewhere.

Besides, I'm slowing down.

Oh, could I make enough money
to save the monastery?
I need $5,000. Of course!

What have I got to lose?

Partners.
Partners.

* [ Bells Chiming ]

[ Chattering ]

* [ "I've Been Working
On the railroad" ] *

[ Horn honking ]

Hey, mary, baby.
How ya been?

Ambrose!

Hi.
What are you doing here?

I just can't.
I thought we could go out
tonight and celebrate.

Listen, I'm really sorry.
[ Honking continues ]

But it's just, you know,
friday night, and you know,
it's my big night.

I just--
I couldn't--

I mean, I couldn't just--
I mean, I'm not dressed
to go anywhere, you know.

Look.

You look--
you look lovely.

Oh, ambrose,
that is so beautiful.

I'm sorry, I can't.
Shall we go?

Yeah, I understand.
I mean,

if you'd rather be here
with your friends, well,
hey, that's okay.

I'll see you later, okay?
Okay, I'll see you later.

Well--
Where are we going?

I've had it now.
well, it's bingo night
at the all-night mission.

Come on, it's all right.
Come on, baby, it's all right.

Don't! No, you stop!
You stop that!

Excuse me, sir.
That was very rude.

I'm sure you didn't mean it.
Now,

according to timothy,
chapter two, verse 25:

"Be gentle unto all men."

Of course, that means
all women too.
[ Groaning ]

What are you doing
to him?

Perhaps you prefer
St. Matthew.

"Thou shalt love
thy enemies."

In other words,
"do unto others as you would
have them do unto you."

You wouldn't wish me
to do this unto you.

Take the gospel
according to St. Mark.

Now, it isn't me
you're hurting, it's you.

It's your soul
that's in pain.
Your immortal soul!

Excuse me, sir.
On the other hand,

there's the old testament.

David and goliath.

[ Mary ]
I just don't
really understand.

You said you can't always
have everything just the way
you want it.

You know, it may not be
the best of all
possible worlds,

but it's the only damn one
we've got.

That's what my pop
used to say, anyway.

What was he like,
your pop?

I don't remember much
about him, except his legs.

He had an angel
flying up his right leg,

and he had a devil crawling
down his left leg...

And disappearing
into his sock.

Tattoo.
He had tattoos.
Huh? Oh.

He ran out on us
when I was three.

At least you know
who your father was.

I was abandoned
on a monastery doorstep.
There was just a little note.

"Attached child is
a gift from god.

P.s., please return
to sender."

You don't have to sleep
in the other room,
if you don't want to.

I mean,
you know you could stay
in here with me, if you like.

Excuse me.

For what
we are about to receive,

may the lord make us
truly thankful.

* Hallelujah
Hallelujah

* Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

* Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

* Hallelujah

Good morning.

[ Groaning ]
Morning.

Morning.

Oh, hi.

Surprise.

Remember?
The first night we met?
You said you liked it.

Oh, right.

Oh, thank--
oh, look. Thank you.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Mmm! Mmm.

Not too much mustard?
So good.

Mm-mm. I am so full.

Mmm.
[ Laughing ]
Mmm.

Listen,
about last night.

Did I-- did we--

mm-hmm. We went
through the whole menu.

You may check off items number
one through seventy-five.

Did I really do
all that?

Yeah.
Well, not in one go.

Let me put it this way.

See, we both should have
arrived at 72
at the same time,

but you got to 72
while I was still, you know,
hanging around number 9.

No, I'm sorry.
But that's just
a technicality.

No, don't be silly.
You know,

nice guys sometimes
finish first.

Just think of it
as a sin of omission.

You've done this before,
haven't you? I can tell.

You could tell. How?

You kept screaming,
"get to 11, get to 11."

"Get to 11." yeah.
Did I say that?

I'm sorry. It's just--

well, I guess number 11
has always been
one of my favorites.

Listen, ambrose.

What?
I don't want to upset you,
but...

What?
I have to be honest
with you.

Oh, I know, I know.
I'm a hooker,
a harlot.

I know.
I'm like a whore
from your bible.

I worked it out.
How do you know?

Well, about what?
And you're not shocked?

About me being a hooker.

No. It's just...

The outside world is nothing
like anything I was taught
in the monastery.

I'm just a bit, well,
confused, you know.

So you mean
you do have doubts, huh?

Doubts are about
the only certainties
I have right now, yeah.

So then you'll be going
back to the monastery?

Eventually, yeah.

I mean, it's my home.

After I see
Mr. Thunderbird.
When are you gonna go?

Well, I-- I suppose
I better get dressed.

By the way, um,
I think I love you.
Do you mind?

Do I mind?

Potsville--
the string-cheese capital
of the world.

Aha! Where there is
string cheese,
sin cannot be far behind.

* [ Bells Chiming ]

Good afternoon,
idle sinners of potsville.

Salvation is at hand.

Let Dr. Melmoth
bring peace to your souls
through the good book.

Good afternoon,
voters of potsville.

Let mayor dwork bring
peace to your city
through law and order.

I say, I say,
put the lazy bums to work
and get 'em off welfare.

[ Melmoth ]
"For their welfare is
my concern," sayeth the lord.

"For the lord's way is
the way of right."

the lord is coming through!

like hell he is.

He ain't go right of way.
He don't get preference
over the grand old party.

back off, lard-ass!

up thine, brother.

- you gonna move
that heap of crap?
- no!

Okay, so it's dirty pool
you want.

Well, the lord knows
that game too.

All right!
It's god versus democracy!

Yee-haa!

Crummy jesus freaks!

Yee-haa!

All right!
Hah!

God wins every time!

son of a bitch!

[ melmoth yelling ]

Yaa-hoo!

* Onward Christian Soldiers

* Marching As To War

* [ Congregation ]
With The Cross Of Jesus

* Going On Before

* Amen

And now, sinners,
when ye entered herein,

did ye not turn
unto yeselves and say,

"why has he locked
the door?"

I'll tell you why!

Because it is too easy
to turn from the lord and run.

Moses, when he saw
the burning bush,
did not turn and run.

[ High-pitched voice ]
No, I did not turn and run
when I saw the burning bush.

Why, who's that?

Why, who could that be?

Why, it's moses himself!

* [ "Havah Nagila" ]
That's it.
Let's hear it for him.

Wonderful biblical prophet.

I was godstruck.
What happened to you when
you saw the burning bush?

Godstruck.
You were what?

You mean, you were
dumbstruck, dummy.

Well, that's what
I thought I said.

[ Laughing ]
Seriously, seriously,
that concludes--

thank you.
Whoo!

And now that concludes
the entertainment portion
of our show.

And, uh,
for the next segment,

we shall all join little moses
in singing, "we shall
gather by the river,"

Whilst I partake
of some communion wine...

And a very fine
puerto ricano cigar...

Simultaneously.

Thank you, thank you.

[ Snoring ]

Hit it, Professor.

* We Shall Gather
At the river

* The Beautiful
The beautiful river

* Gather With The Saints
At the river

* That Flows By The Throne
Of god

* Shall We Gather
At the river

* Where Bright Angel Feet
Have trod

* With Its
Crystal tide forever

* Flowing By The Throne
Of god

* We Shall Gather
At the river

* The Beautiful
The beautiful river

* Gather With The Saints
At the river

* That Flows By The Throne
Of god

* We Shall Gather At The River

* The Beautiful
The beautiful river

* Gather With The Saints
At the river

* That Flows By The Throne
Of god

* That Flows By The Throne

* Of God

* God

* God

Taped this for you
earlier, AT.T. We thought
you might be interested.

In peru today,
5,000 died in an earthquake.

There's news of a train crash
in turkey which killed 400,

but it's going to be another
lovely day tomorrow with
temperatures in the high 70s.

So mostly it's good news.

On the local front, a mobile
church crashed in mid-service
into a lake in orange county.

Fortunately, nobody was hurt,

but one of the promoters
of this scheme,
a Dr. Sebastian melmoth,

here seen baptizing
the survivors, described it
as an act of god...

And said he's considering
suing god's business manager,
the pope.

His partner,
a brother ambrose,
an alleged monk, was not

Prayermobiles-- thought we'd
run it up the crucifix
and see who genuflects.

Mobile churches,
coverin' the whole country.

Just think of IT:
The whole country!

You can fool
some of the people
all the time.

And those are
the sons of bitches
we gonna get.

We could have every sinner's
balls in our hands.

Just how much we decide
to squeeze 'em for...

Uh, Miss milligan.
Will be g-o-d's decision.

We could have Miss milligan
prepare some ballpark
figures on the scheme.

Oh, yes, huh.

- you'll get back to us on it?
- well, uh, yeah.
Soonest, soonest, soonest.

I have a 1:00 with g-o-d,
you know, huddles and confabs.

It'll be numero uno
on the agenda.

I'm comin', g-o-d.

Thy will be done.

O GO.D., in whom we trust,

who adviseth me
in all the workings...

His great conglomerate,
CD.P.,

consider this proposition.

[ Man's voice ]
Approved.

But you cannot be everywhere.

We need a disciple
to lead our crusade--

somebody pure, devout,
without a record.

Someone a congressional
committee wouldn't suspect.

Doest thou have someone
in mind, o mighty one?

Ask thyself,
and it shall answered be.

The monk?
You believe he could--

consider
the bears in the wood--
crappeth they not?

Of course the monk,
you dumb schmuck!

[ Knocking at door ]

I'm all right, yes.
I saw it on the news.
Are you all right?

Dr. Melmoth's a bit--
well, we stopped
at a few bars.

Yeah.
Why don't you put him there,
and I'll get some black coffee

[ Groaning ]

[ Sighs ]

When I was in the water
back there, I was drowning,

and my whole life
flashed before my eyes.

And I wasn't in it.

[ Laughs, sighs ]

[ Groans ]

[ Groaning ]

Okay,
the coffee's almost ready.
I hope he likes drip.

- it's no use.
- don't be silly.
You can start again.

No, it's too late.
I'm too old.

I had talent once.

I-i had ambition,
I had hands.

I had wonderful hands.

I coulda been somebody.
I coulda been a bishop.

I coulda preached a revival
in a ballpark outdoors.

Instead, here I am sellin'
lazarus dolls in the suburbs.

No, that ain't it.
Yeah, but maybe
they help somebody.

I coulda said mass
instead of bein' a bum.

Face IT: I'm a bum.

- I know.
I'll work on my sermon.
- could I--

I'll sleep now,
and tomorrow, sermon.

[ Mumbling ]
Tomorrow, sermon.
Sleep now.

[ Groaning ]
Sleep.
Here you go.

[ Pounding on door ]

Hello? Hello.

Hello, is anybody there?

[ Thunder claps ]

T.
Mr. Thunderbird.

I've been trying to see you
for months. I have this letter
from the abbot.

I know.
It's about the mortgage
on the monastery--

- you know?
- I have the mortgage deed
to your monastery.

It will be yours
in good time.

God spake unto me of this
even this day.

g-god speaks to you?

spake.

Spake. God spakes--
uh, talks to you personally?

Of course.
With words?

Well, only--
I-i spake, speak, with him,

but, you know, when you're
busy and you're a celebrity,
I suppose...

oh, he listens.
You don't really
have much time to--

We speak of you often.
You know, he's very fond
of you, ambrose.

You see,
I-i feel the same way
about him.

everything in your life
has been leading up
to this moment.

God has chosen you,
brother ambrose,

to lead his nationwide,
mobile crusade.

Me? H-he mentioned me
specifically?

You.
And you shall be rewarded.
Is not the laborer worthy

Look, Mr. Thunderbird, uh,
m-may I be honest with you?

- why, surely.
- in your services, all you do
is talk about money.

Of course it is.
I thought virtue was
its own reward.

But the bible,
That's why it doesn't
attract the top talent.

Wrong!
god's book, says we should
share the money equally.

If god had not
meant for some people
to be poorer than others,

then he would
not have published
the bible in paperback.

Well, I just can't believe
that life is only money.

Money is life.
It is the lack of it
which is the real evil.

Who feedeth the hungry?

Is it manna from heaven...

Or fried chicken
from Kentucky?

Who clotheth the naked?

Is it JC.?
Or is it JC. Penney?

And what will save
your wretched monastery?

A miracle,
or $5,000 cash?

Oh, no, my friend.
It's true.

Money is clean.

Money is beautiful.

Money is holy.

I need it to support
my hospitals,

my charities,
my worthy causes.

You shall go forth
and gather it in.

That is what god
has chosen you for.

[ Thunderclap ]

* In God We Trust

* Invest In Him On High

* The Sweetest Buy

* Is In The By And By

* Though Stocks May Fall

* And Worldly Shares
May crash

* Our Share Of Heaven's Safe

* In Good, Hard Cash

* Give Unto Him

* The Monies Heaven Spent

* Home Loans And Banks

* Yield Six Or Seven Percent

* Each Buck You Give

* Shall Be Tax-free
We're told

* And Shall Return And Be

* Ten Thousandfold

* His Hand That Made

* The Earth And Sky And Sea

* Now Reaches Forth

* For Its Gratuity

* Shouldst Thou Walk By

* And Treat Him Like A Bum

* That Hand Shall Finger Thee

* In Kingdom Come

* Oh, Yes
That hand shall finger thee

* In Kingdom

* Come

[ Gasps ]
Ambrose!

Turn round,
and don't open your eyes
till I tell you.

[ Laughs ]
That's funny.

I was just about to ask you
to do the same thing.

All right.

Surprise!

[ Laughing ]

[ Popping ]

To your little...
Misconception.
[ Chuckles ]

No. No!
Well, why not?
Why-why not?

What if it turns out
to be a girl?

Armageddon could be
a girl's name.

You know,
I don't know what the hell
has come over you, ambrose,

but you come in here,
you're wearing
a cockamamie silk dress--

it's not a dress, it's a robe.
Armageddon said it would be--

[ Mocking ]
"Armageddon says,
armageddon says."

All you give me
are h words!

I don't want anything
that's been in his mouth.

You have
swallowed all this crap
that armageddon's fed you.

And you are what you eat.

- Dr. Melmoth,
would you explain--
- I don't need him to explain.

Look, just leave me
out of this.

I don't want any hassle,
just peace in my old age.

Tell her about armageddon's
charities,
about his hospitals.

Horseshit!
He's doing armageddon's work.

It's a rip-off!
It's big business, it's--

- you can't just say that.
Wh-what proof--
- proof? There is no proof!

But every hustler
on the street
knows what this guy is.

- why did you wait till now?
- I didn't want to hurt
your feelings, that's why.

- feelings.
- and I thought maybe he'll
figure this one out himself.

Dr. Melmoth, you're a man
of god. If this is true,
you just sit and accept it?

Get out of my face,
will you, monk?

Just leave me alone.
You're like some
holy jiminy cricket.

You're damn right,
I accept it.

This may not be the best
of all possible worlds,

but it's the only world
we've got,
so don't make waves,

because, unlike jesus,
we can't walk on 'em.

Why the hell did you
have to open your mouth
in the first place?

CORRECTION:
You opened your mouth
in the first place.

I opened my mouth
in the second place.

Look, I couldn't take
being born again.

At my age,
I couldn't stand
the labor pains.

Monk off!

[ Armageddon ]
O GO.D., in whom we trust,

there's somethin'
I want to ask you about.

Now, you and I have made
millions together, right?

How much do we own?
[ God ]
Check.

Yes, bottom line.
Bottom line?

Ten billion, three hundred
and forty-two thousand
and eight cents, net.

Uh-huh. Well, now,
that's how much we own,

but you know
money can't buy happiness.

Only power can do that.
Who do we own?

Five senators,
fourteen congressmen,

two supreme court
judges, twelve assorted
missile manufacturers...

And an ex-president, net.

the time's right.
Well, then, today,
on my telecast--

The country is ready
for a strong leader.

But you are god.
May god go with you.

Oh, so I am.
CORRECTION:

Ma i go with you.
Good luck with your show,

Amen.
and break a leg, kid.

* [ Humming ]

[ Muttering ]
I love ya all very, very much.
No, no. I love ya all very--

god?

A-are you god?

[ God ]
Who do you think I am?

Does not g-0-d spell "god,"
Peckerhead?

But you're a computer.

Of course, bunny rabbit.

It's just that I thought
if you appeared it would be...

A burning bush,
o-or an elderly man
with a white beard.

Hey, what do you want,
impersonations?

I'm a supreme
technological being.

I can appear as anything
or anyone at any
time I want to.

Okay, for you, one elderly man
with white beard coming up.

Pretty scary, huh?
[ Laughs ]

Now, what is it
you want to know?

Be brief.
I cost a fortune to run.

God's time is money.
Profit, power.

You mean you have
no moral sense?

I wasn't programmed
for morality.

Then it's about time
you were.

- what do you got there?
- I want you to concentrate,
god,

because I'm going
to convert you
to christianity.

Christi--
uh, will it hurt?

"In the beginning
was the word."

You know, I really don't know
how you can sit there
so unconcerned!

I mean, for all we know
ambrose may be--

oh, with him,
how can you tell
what he may be?

Here, here. Relax.

He never goes anywhere without
saying where he's going.
That just goes without saying.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the armageddon t. Thunderbird
christmas special.

Look, now, he's only
been gone an hour.

There's not point
in panicking yet,
it's much too early.

I like to panic early
and avoid the rush,
do you mind?

Here in a tribute to this,
the holiest of seasons,

are the thunderbirdettes.

* Happy Birthday To Thee
[ Audience applauding ]

* Happy Birthday To Thee

* Happy Birthday
Dear jesus

* Happy Birthday To Thee

And many happy returns
for easter!

[ Announcer ]
And here's our own
virgin mary poppin.

* God Gave Us His Son
For christmas

* What Did You Get For God

* It's Not The Thought
It's the gift that counts

* And Money Makes The World
Go round in large amounts

* So Send Him Some Cash
For christmas

* To Show Him
How grateful you are

* God Rest Ye Merry
Gentlemen

* Let Nothing You Dismay

* Remember
While you're resting

* He's On Double Time Today

* God Gave Us His Son
For christmas

* So For God's Sakes
Give something to god

* Yes,
Go And Give Something To
Get up and give something to

* Go Out And Give
Something to GO.D.

* Get Out And Give
Something to god

* Big "G," Whee

[ Gasping, cheering ]

G.OD.

Three little words,

three little letters
that simply mean,
"I love you."

"And the lord said,
'let there be light,'
and there was light."

god! Whoo!

andy oud id it!

Anything I say goes?
[ Laughs ]

I did?
Then you had a son.
You did.

He went away.
Where is he?
That's kids for you.

Yeah, yeah.
[Laughs] read the stuff about
when I created the world.

With the fire and stuff?
And the loaves and the fishes.
I love that one!

And opening the sea, and
moses, the guy that got lost.
You like that one. Yeah, yeah.

- [ Laughs ]
I love that! Read more!
- mm-hmm. All right.

Now, I just spoke to him,

and he wants me
to tell all of you
that the holy trinity was...

Only the first
of god's conglomerates.

[ Scattered amens,
hallelujahs ]

three!
And then he begat I.TT.
And then I.BM.,

* [ Singsong ]
Then F.BI. *
Three!

* M.CA., K.k.k.
Three!
Three!

* R.CA.
Three!

* G.MC.
Three!

* U.SA.
Three!

* C.DP.
Three!

Three!
[ Cheering ]

C.DP.

The church of divine profit.

[ Cheering ]

All of god's great creations
are three in number.

[ Assent, amens ]

And then he said unto me,
"armageddon,

what this country needs is
a three-party
political system."

You see,
[ Assent ]

god's own party
for god's own country!

* [ "Battle Hymn
Of the republic" ] *
[ Applause ]

Big business made
this country great.

Let big business run it!

[ Cheering ]

G.OD. For president!

That's the end.
Think you've got it?

I had no idea
god was such a great guy.

Of course he is.
Millions of people all over
the world read the bible.

Yeah. The bible sells almost
as well as harold robbins.
Millions of people?

you mean I got fans?

everywhere.

[ Whoops ]
I, uh,
[ Clears throat ]

Have a great responsibility
to my public.

Now, you're in charge
of everything and everybody
armageddon owns, right?

Yeah. All his computers are
connected to me,

and they move
on my instructions...

Well, let's go to work,
god.
Without hesitation.

[ God ]
Now, press my green button.

yeah. Got it.

[ Beeping ]

[ God ]
We're in business.

In about 45 seconds,
the meek are going to inherit
this earth.

Because it says right here,

in words of flame and fire,

[ Congregation ]
Seek!
"for ye shall seek him,

And ye shall hail him."

hail!

"seek him."

seek!

"hail him."

hail!

"seek him."

Hail him!
Seek!

[ Together ]
Seek! Hail!

Seek, hail!
Seek, hail!

Seek, hail!
Seek, hail!

Seek, hail!
Seek, hail!

Seek, hail!
Seek, hail!

[ Congregation ]
Seek, hail! Seek, hail!
* Glory, Glory, Hallelujah

[ Beeping ]

* Glory, Glory, Hallelujah
[ Buzzing ]

* His Truth Is Marching On
[ Gasps ]

* His Truth Is

* Marching On

[ Applause ]

[ Armageddon ]
And so I say unto you,

spontaneously and
without forethought,

a vote for AT.T. Is
a vote for GO.D.

The sign of the cross
on your ballot paper.

Because, even now,
that little
freak is upstairs...

Screwing around with GO.D.

- [ Gasping ]
- what? Holy shit!
That son-of-a-bitch monk!

Who let him upstairs?
I'll kill him!
I'll strangle him!

Who is screwing around
with GO.D.?
Who let him upstairs?

Did you let him in the office?
Why did you let him in?

[ Mary ]
For god's sake,
can't you go any faster?

[ Melmoth ]
Sure I can,
but not in this damn bus.

And do you have to drink
like that?

I can never drive sober.
It terrifies me.

Is that an angel growing up
out of your left leg?

and on your other leg,
Yes.I had it done in San Diego
while I was at a bible--

do you have satan disappearing
down into your sock?

How do you know that?

Do you know who you are?

Not for several decades.

You're my father!
I'm your daughter!

That's preposterous.
I've been celibate since I was
in the third grade.

I've never had intercourse
with a fertile woman.

You son of a bitch!

* [ Music Plays
Over loudspeaker ] *
You drunken alcoholic!

[ Over loudspeaker ]
You're just a broad-chasing
child-deserter!

I probably am your father.
Bastard son of a bitch!

Child- and wife-deserter?

The description fits!
It's me!

That's almost it.
There's just the biggie left.

Oh, the whole ball of wax.
What's that?

There's five million bucks
in laundered money.
Now, type this out.

[ All shouting,
indistinct ]

...And overlay. Right.

hit the red button.

what's the red button for?

Don't ask questions, dummy!
Hit the red button!

all right!

[ Beeping, whirring ]

[ Buzzing ]

Where is he?
Where is he?

Don't just stand there!
Get an ax!

Break the door down!
Kill the bastard!

Get him!
Get the little bastard!

[ Continues shouting ]

* There'll Be
Pennies from heaven
for you and me *

[ Armageddon ]
Come on, break it down!
Break it down! I want him!

All right!
Now step aside!

want him!

[ Thunderclap ]

- [ Sobbing, whimpering ]
- I'm gonna kill you!
You understand me?

[ Grunting, ranting ]

[ God ]
Smite him in the gut!

Get him!
Get him! Get him!

Get him, someone!

[ Both grunting ]

O god, in whom we trust,

what hath the little bastard
done unto thee?

* I Did It My Way

You rotten goody-goody!
You'll never work
in this town again!

[ Stammering ]
Why, you--

[ Whimpering ]

[ Moans ]

Oh!

[ Continues whimpering ]

Wh-where's everybody?

Where's hawk and dove?
Where are my people?

Where's the schmuck
bastard monk?

Oh, my god!
That's ambrose!

Come on!
Move it outta there!
[ Honks horn ]

[ Mary over loudspeaker ]
Ambrose!

[ Armageddon grumbling ]

Come on! Come on!
Come over here! Come on!

Come over here!
Follow that monk!

[ Mary ]
Ambrose!

Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh, oooooh--

ambrose, we're coming!
Just hold on!

[ Sirens blaring ]
[ Together ]
Go get 'em!

[ Tires screeching ]

They're in the car.
Come on, let's go! Let's go!

[ Horn honks ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Melmoth ]
Hang on, brother ambrose!
Hang on!

Make an act
of perfect contrition!

Wh-wha-whaaa!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Engines rev,
tires screech ]

Hello, god.
It's me, ambrose.

I know you don't do miracles
anymore, so I'll see you
in about five seconds.

Vengeance is mine!
Ram him! Ram that
son of a bitch! Come on!

Fear not! The bible says
only asketh the lord.

Don't worry.
Jesus never makes an error.
He will catch thee.

Oh, you're safe at home
in god's hands...

With angels cheering!

[ God ]
Have a nice day!

* [ Monks Chanting ]

Do you, ambrose,
take this woman, mary,

I do.
to be your lawful
wedded wife?

You don't mind
marrying a hooker?

Not if she doesn't mind
marrying a monk.

I have nothing against
mixed marriages.
The only trouble is,

which way do you
bring up the kids?

I now pronounce you
man, wife and child.

You may, uh,
kiss the bride.

* [ Plays "Wedding March" ]

* The Other Day
A friend of mine said

* He Said That God's
Not even with us

* He Said That God
Is really dead

* He Said, Oh, Pal
A fact's a fact

* You Can't Believe
That magic act

* I Said I Don't
And that was that

* Now I Say
Good for god

* Good For God

* He Goes And Makes
The planet blue

* And All The Thanks
He gets from you

* Is Look At All That Poo-poo
In the yard

* Good For God

* I Bet He's Got
A very hard job

* I'm Awfully Glad
I'm here to say

* He Made It Possible
For me to be here
to say

* Good For God

* Instrumental

* Good For God

* Good For God

* If Faith Is Faith
And that's a must

* It's Easier To Put
Your trust in, uh

* You Know Who I Mean

* God

* God, O God

* Oh, Marty
What have you done

* Good For God

* Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey

* [ Chorus ]
Good For God *
* Good

[ Man ]
God bless you.