Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[ Man ] Our father, which art in heaven--

[ Yawns ]

* The Other Day A friend of mine said

* He Said That God's Not even with us

* He Said That God Is really dead

* He Said, Oh, Pal A fact's a fact

* You Can't Believe That magic act

* I Said I Don't And that was that

* Now I Say Good for god

* Good For God

* He Goes And Makes The planet blue

* And All The Thanks He gets from you

* Is Look At All That Poo-poo In the yard

* Good For God

* I Bet His Life Up There Is very hard

* He Knows Each Time A sparrow falls

* But Who Can Answer All his calls

* Good For God

* Good For God

* I Bet He's Got A very hard job

* Ain't Got No Mama

* Ain't Got No Papa

* Good For God

[ Snoring ]

[ Alarm ringing ]

[ Yawns ]

[ Crowing feebly ]

[ Clearing throat ]

[ Crowing continues ]

[ Crowing continues ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Crowing continues ]

Good morning, god. It's me, ambrose.

Whoops. Oh, dear. Sorry, I'm a bit behind today, but the rooster went off late.

Thank you for sparing me for another day.

Of course, that goes without saying, doesn't it?

Except it doesn't, because in your book,

it commands us to give constant thanks day and night.

I can't imagine why you'd want anyone to keep thanking you for all eternity,day and night

I should think you'd be bored with it by now.

I know I would.

I mean, it's not as if you're insecure or anything,

or even as if you had an identity problem.

I mean, after all, you made me in your own image, didn't you?

I can't imagine you looking like that, somehow.

Still,

you made me on the morning of the sixth day.

That was saturday.

Well, you might have had a rough friday night. Who knows?

Anyway, I can't stand around here talking. You don't wanna hear my problems.

I'm sure you've got problems of your own.

So, uh--

I'll see you tomorrow, eh?

I mean, I'll be here, and I know you'll be there,

and if I'm not here, well, I'll be there.

By the way, have a nice day, and amen.

[ Grunts ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Monks coughing, groaning ]

[ Fly buzzing ]

Shh!

[ Muffled screaming ]

[ Bell tolling ]

[ Rhythmic squeaking ]

[ Squeaking continues, knuckles cracking ]

[ Squeaking, cracking continue, stomach growling ]

[ Squeaking, cracking, growling continue, beads jingling ]

[ All sounds continue ]

[ All sounds continue, cushion squeaking ]

[ All sounds continue, rhythmically ]

[ Bell tolling ]

[ All sounds continue, rhythmically ]

[ Monks groaning, wheezing ]

[ Groaning, wheezing stop, all sigh ]

* [ Monks Chanting ]

Oh, there you are, ambrose.

Tell me something. You are happy here, aren't you?

You are happy-- [ Mumbles ]

oh, I beg your pardon. I forgot.

Yes, of course, you have my permission to speak, of course.

I think I'm happy, father. I don't know. It's the only world I've ever known.

I think it's glorious at your age and still celibate.

Good. Who with? I was celibate again last night, father.

Myself. Three times.

Oh, careful. Four would be pride.

No, no, I'm happy here, father. It's my home.

You never wish to visit another world?

You never think you'd like to know what's going on outside these walls?

Father, why are you asking me all this now?

Because we're sending you on a mission, out there.

Why-why-why me?

Well, you see, we've fallen on hard times,

and when we renounce the material world, and we ask god for nothing,

and in his benevolence he gave us nothing, immediately and ever since.

But father, we took a vow of poverty.

Oh, well, the price of poverty's gone up.

We can't afford the luxury of being poor anymore.

Besides, the landlords-- they want $5,000 off the mortgage.

But where can we get that kind of money, father? We live by charity.

You're going to save us.

You are going to get us the money.

I'll tell you how. H-how can I?

Who? You go and visit armageddon t. Thunderbird.

Armageddon t. Thunderbird is a holy man, a philanthropist.

Gives money to worthy causes.

You state your case well, and you'll get the money.

Father, I-i-i'm afraid. There's his address. There's his address.

I've never been outside. I'm-i'm not worthy.

You'll have to have some money.

Give you $50. That's all we got.

There you are. You take it. Can I have time to think it over?

Yes, my son, you'll have plenty of time to think about it.

You see, father, I've just never been inside the outside world and--

[ Echoing ] Help! Let me in! I'm innocent!

Bless you, my son. Thank you for making the right decision. I'm innocent!

God bless. Godspeed. Vaya con dios. Let me in!

Have a nice day. Please, father!

[ Monks mumbling ] Let me in!

[ Screams ]

[ Truck horn honking ]

* [ Bells Chiming ]

Greetings, companion in christ.

Yes, I'm talkin' to you, jim.

Is it not written that those who are cast down shall be raised up?

[ Ringing ] Arise and behold! The chariot of the lord awaiteth.

Haul thine ass aboard.

Oh, thank you.

[ Engine backfiring ]

[ Ambrose ] This really is very kind of you.

Dr. Sebastian melmoth. Evangelist, Doctor of divinity,

wandering scholar, licensed purveyor of religious novelties.

Brother ambrose, monk.

Welcome to my church.

This really is a church then?

My goodness. Ah, yes, a traveling church.

Like the missionaries of old,

I sally forth across the land...

Laying the word on the good people.

- that sounds wonderful. - ah! Then, would you care for a blast, my son?

It's a fine, holy wine. I-i--

Uh, no, thanks. oh, you'll be amused by its humility.

No, uh, I never drink except, of course, after the wafer.

[ Laughing ] Quite right.

Unwise to celebrate the lord on an empty stomach.

Move over! [ Honking ]

same to you, fella!

[ Spanish ]

Up thine! And thy mother's!

And thy mother's mother's!

Peace. Ah, ha-ha, yes. Peace. Peace.

Yes. You're bound, I take it, for the city of Los Angeles?

Ah, yes, the city of lost angels.

So many wonderful sinners there.

* Onward Christian Soldiers

* [ Both ] Marching On To War

* With The Cross Of Jesus

* Marching On Before

Oh, yes, you will.

The lord's work is never done.

Right there. Good. Move 'em.

Here we go. Oh, yes. [ Sighs ]

This is as far as I go.

Thank you, Dr. Melmoth. You've been very kind.

Don't mention it. Don't mention it.

Oh, do me a favor, will you, and help these tired old legs?

Certainly, Dr. Melmoth. Pick it up, will you, please? Freeze. Don't move a muscle.

I don't want your money, my son. No, I'm not interested

[ Whispering ] Shut up and don't argue. What are you talking about?

If I see human suffering, it is my duty to help, if I can, without thought...

To material or personal gain.

Now, my son, how long have you been thus afflicted?

Since childhood. Afflicted? I-- what are you talking about?

Now, I claim no powers for myself.

But-- The lord works through my hands.

I will make this wretched creature walk upright.

I feel-- Do you feel the power coursing through you?

Let me go, please. do you feel the electricity?

Let me go. Please. Ooh, do you believe? Ooh, do you believe?

[ Crowd gasping ] Out, devil spirit! Heal!

See? He stands!

Oh, jesus! It's a miracle! He stands up straight!

Take your money, son. The lord doesn't want it. He doesn't need it.

He's made you whole! Praise the lord!

Walk in the lord, my son. Walk!

Run! Beat it! It's a miracle! Step right up, sinners.

Take a miracle home with you.

Get your levitating lazarus doll.

See him rise from the dead in the privacy of your own home.

Hello, kiddies. I'm lazarus.

I'm alive again. Why don't you stand up for jesus?

* [ Man ] The Other Day A friend of mine said

* He Said That God's Not even with us

* He Said That God Is really dead

* He Said, Oh, Pal A fact's a fact

* You Can't Believe That magic act

* I Said I Don't And that was that

* -Now I say good for god - [ No audible dialogue ]

* Good for god

* [ Chanting ]

* He Goes And Make This planet blue

* And All The Thanks He gets from you

* Is Look At All That Poo-poo In the yard

* Good For God

* I Bet His Life Up There Was very hard

* He Knows Each Time A sparrow falls

* But Who Can Answer All his calls

* -Good for god - we must wait for the son to return--

...Prophecy of doom! * Good For God

* I Bet He's Got A very hard job

* I'm Awfully Glad I'm here to say

* He Made It Possible For me to be here to say

* Good For God

Instrumental.

* Good Lord

* Good For God

* Now, If Truth Is Truth And it's easy if you know the truth

* That's The Truth So help me god

* Good For God

* Say, Good For God

[ Gasps ] * Good For God

[ Screams ]

Excuse me, sir, you dropped your photos! Your photos!

They aren't mine. They were his. They were his.

I wouldn't. I mean-- oh, my god!

* Good For God

* Now, If Truth Is Truth And it's easy if you know the truth

* That's The Truth So help me god

* Good For God

* Say, Good For God

* Good For God

* He's Got A Hard Job

* Before They Put Me In a hole

* I Pray To God I Find A big limo

[ Siren wailing ] * Good For Me

* And Good For God

[ Honking ]

Father! Father!

I'm not a father. I'm a brother, sister. What is it you wanted?

Huh? The sanctuary of the church.

Oh.

It's all right. What are you doing under there?

I was brought up in a convent. Just hide me till the cops go by.

Yes. Are they still there?

Right. Look casual,

and keep walking.

[ Clears throat, whistles ]

* Every Time It Rains It rains pennies from heaven

* Da, Do, Da, La, Do Don't you know

* Each Cloud Contains Pennies from heaven *

And the confusion and the noise and people running about.

Well, I've never seen-- oh, well, maybe you have.

I've never seen anything like this in my life. Then the way we met.

I mean, the I met you, rather the way you met-- the way you met me.

What? Oh, my god.

I just realized how awful it must've been for you when I dived under your robe.

Well, it was a bit strange.

I mean, I've never met a woman in my life before,

let alone, had one on the premises, if you know what I mean.

No, honestly. Oh, come on.

Well, I've seen pictures in the bible,

but they were wearing these loose flowing robes,

and you can't tell what they've got underneath them.

See, that-- not like with you. I mean, with you,

I can get some idea of what you've got.

I mean, you've got legs and bumpy bits.

Those things, you know? What?

Uh-huh, mm-hmm. Oh, you mean my boobies?

What about them?

Nothing. I think they look very well on you. They suit you.

Oh, yeah. You really do?

'Cause I always thought they were kinda on the smallish side.

Not to me. They're bigger than mine. You know what I mean?

they're huge. Huge. Well--

No. Really? Gee, it's a very nice thing to say.

- no, it really is. Then again, what do you know? - that's true.

Would you like a taste?

Good? Mmm! Mmm!

Think it needs a little more mustard, eh?

Just-- No. It is just right.

you really are an innocent, aren't you?

It's touching. I suppose so.

It really is. It's touching, in a disgusting kind of way.

You see, I know a lot about the theory of sin,

but I don't know anything about the practice.

I mean, for instance,

What? fornication.

The bible's full of it. You mustn't do it.

It's sinful. You'll go to hell.

But it doesn't tell you how to do it, so how do you know you're not?

I mean, for all I know, I might be sitting here right now, fornicating.

Thanks. No, you're not. If you were, I'd tell ya.

That couple over there sucking each other's mouths--

Oh, sorry. would you keep it down a little bit?

Are-are they fornicating?

They're kissing. They're just kissing.

That's phase one. Kissing.

When they get home, they'll probably move into phase two. Ah!

Oh, you... Fornicate in phases.

Oh, yeah, that is, if you're not pressed for time. Ah.

See, sex-- sex is very much like a meal.

I'll show you.

See this menu?

If you were gonna order a meal, you wouldn't go right for the main course,would you?

Wouldn't you like to have a little appetizer first?

You know, like, uh, a little chopped liver?

It's an appetizer. That's kissing. That's what kissing is.

Chopped liver. Chopped liver. Yeah.

Chopped liver. Yeah, that's all.

Number one-- chopped liver. Phase one. Good. Chopped liver.

Phase one.

What? I wonder if you would do me a great favor?

Well, you see, if all these phases lead to fornication,

would you mind writing down all the things that I must avoid...

In the right order?

If it's not too much trouble.

Oh, no, listen, I'd be glad to do it.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Now, what'd you want? You want a list here, right?

Everything to avoid. Of everything you're not supposed to do?

yeah? Okay. Uh, well, number one--

Uh, number one we went through already-- is kissing.

Right? Kissing.

Right, kissing.

Now, number two--

bumpy bits. take hold of the, uh--

Yeah. Shh! You take it, but not like that.

You could hurt someone like that. It's not a claw.

It's a very gentle kind of movement. You know, it's like a very caressing--

[ Moaning ]

Oh, that's very nice. [ Moaning ]

Mmm! That's good. That's good, that's good. Okay.

Number two, right. No, it's okay, you can stop. Just keep it to yourself, okay?

Take hold of the... Bits. I've got it.

I'll just put-- you'll remember, right? Now, number three--

Yeah. now, number three is very technical.

So I'm gonna draw you a diagram on number three, okay? Mm-hmm.

Now, this is a picture of a woman.

Aha, yes, I can see the bumpy bits.

Oh. No, those are puffed sleeves. She's wearing a dress.

And then you make love. I don't know why you always get that one wrong.

You get into bed first, then make love.

So my 74 goes where my 75 was. Use your logic on that one.

Yes. You know, making love's supposed to be spontaneous.

Why do you think there are hundreds of books out how to do it right?

Oh. Oh, good night. Well, here's where I live.

Yeah. Bye. Where are you staying tonight?

Sure you'll be all right? I don't know. I'll find somewhere.

Oh, yeah, I've got lots of money.

The abbot gave me more than $50. I have--

What? melmoth.

No, it's nothing.

Good night. Okay. Bye. Good night.

* [ Singing, Indistinct ] [ Shower running ]

Number one-- chopped liver, kissing. [ Makes kissing sound ]

Number two-- [ Moaning ]

[ Continues moaning ]

Number three-- three was--

[ Laughing ] So many things to remember to avoid.

Hello, god. It's me, ambrose.

Sorry to bother you,

but if you wanted us to ignore fleshly sins, why did you make us out of meat?

I mean, you could've made us out of anything.

You could've made us out of burlap or rubber or wood, jell-o, anything.

I know. You work in mysterious ways.

But we don't. Human beings, I mean.

Tomorrow night, I'll take you to see armageddon t. Thunderbird

Ambrose. By the way, what's your name?

Good night, ambrose. My name is mary.

Mary?

[ Moaning ]

I can't stand it any more. I can't stand it.

What are you doing in there?

The abbot said, if everything else fails, a cold shower'll do it.

Bumpy bits.

[ Moaning ]

[ Priest laughing ] With a chicken--

[ Clears throat ] Get out of here, you filthy swine.

Out! Next!

Serving number 12.

Serving number 12.

Kneel down and make it snappy.

Cut the frills and get straight to the meat and potatoes.

Yes, yes. Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.

[ Stammering ]

Whine. Tell me about it. Well, you whine about this, and you whine about that.

And the-- oh!

It's death and transfiguration.

Don't worry about me.

If you'll just start, and I'll get the general drift.

Last night, father, I was tormented by an impure thought.

I said, I was tormented by an impure thought. I can't hear you.

I-- it was about mary. Could you speak up, please?

Mary! I wanted to take her clothes off! What? Louder!

You wanted to do what? Speak up, I can't hear you!

You are mumbling! I wanted to take her clothes off.

I wanted to take her clothes off and caress her bumpy bits!

Bits! Her what?

Fondling. You know-- [ Moaning ]

You know? What?

Number three! And then I wanted to try number 30!

O-or maybe do number 15 twice, instead.

A-a-and then, I wanted to take her by the--

And-- both her-- [ Honking ]

again! And again!

Until I was exhausted!

But I'm a monk, father. What shall I do?

I didn't hear a damn word you said.

That'll be, uh--

I'm afraid I only have, uh--

two dollars. Yeah, I'll have that.

[ Cash register dings ] Have a nice day!

[ Clears throat ]

[ Cheering ]

[ Crowd cheering ] Do you believe in god?

[ Announcer ] The church of divine profit...

Humbly presents the armageddon t. Thunderbird crusade.

And here he is, god's buddy, AT.T. Himself.

do you love god?

[ Together ] yes!

- I mean, do you really love god? - [ Together ] yes!

has he been good to you?

[ Together ] yes!

I thought so.

[ Together ] yes! And have you been good to him?

oh, really?

[ Together ] yes.

liars!

no!

Because I just spoke to him, and do you have any idea where he is right now?

God is in the hospital! [ Together ] no!

[ Gasping, chattering ]

In the intensive care unit!

[ Together ] no! And do you know who put him there?

Y-o-u.

[ Gasping, chattering ]

He looked so pale.

[ Crying ]

Why are you crying? Isn't that what you wanted?

Do you wanna see him pull through? [ Together ] no!

All right! I said to him, [ Together ] yes!

"I am your servant, lord. What do you want?"

"Everything, armageddon. Everything.

I need money to put it right."

"But what will you give them in return?" I queried.

And then he said,

"I will assure them a place forever in the kingdom of heaven."

And that's-- [ Cheering ]

and that's rent-free!

[ Together ] yes! Now, doesn't that sound like a good deal?

Well, then put thy money where is thy mouth!

And I'm not just asking the people here in the studio audience.

I'm askin' you, you and you!

* In God We Trust

* Invest In Him On High

* The Sweetest Buy

* Is In The By And By

* Each Buck To Him

* Shall Be Tax-free We're told

* And Shall Return And be ten thousandfold

* All Together

* And Shall Return And Be

* Ten Thousandfold

I didn't understand a word he was talking about.

He's supposed to be a christian. I don't-- I don't understand.

This is awfully confusing for you, isn't it?

'Tis a bit.

Well, I think you've had a big day,

and I think you should go to sleep now, okay?

[ Yawning ] You look sweet in pink.

I'm gonna go and see him tomorrow.

Mm-hmm. You're gonna go see armageddon?

When he understands, he'll help.

[ Sighs ] Poor ambrose.

I wonder if god will ever forgive you your virtues?

Excuse me.

[ Shower running ]

Good afternoon. I'd like to see Mr. Thunderbird.

I-i've got this letter from the abbot. Not today. He's too busy.

You got it! I'm one of the meek. I'm supposed to inherit the earth.

You just don't understand, ambrose.

I understand I don't understand, but what don't I understand?

That the meek may inherit the earth, but not until the strong are finished with it.

And by that time, it won't even be worth having.

But it could take weeks. Oh, I'll get in to see him, finally.

I'll get a job in the meantime. Look, is there anything

Oh, look, ambrose, listen. You don't need to work.

I mean, you could come and stay at my place, right?

What do you do? I really do make enough money for both of us.

Well, for a living, what do you do? What?

Oh, uh, I wouldn't even concern myself about that, if I were you.

Well, maybe you could get me a job doing it with you.

I'm good with my hands. Well, I could look into it.

[ Woman speaking spanish ]

[ Bell ringing ]

Hey. Hey! Come back! Dr. Melmoth!

Philistine!

All right, monk!

All right, I'm going.

Thanks, but I feel rotten. Hi. You look so nauseous.

Oh, ambrose, how many times are you gonna keep on trying?

Well, till I get in and see him. You see, if I could show him

What, what? I got an idea.

No, no. Couldn't you just pray to god for the money?

No, ask for money, and you spoil a friendship.

I've gotta see him personally. Mr. Thunderbird'll understand. He's a christian.

No, being born in a christian home doesn't necessarily make you christian...

Any more than being born in a bakery makes you a bagel.

I mean, maybe Mr. Thunderbird just isn't even interested in your old monastery.

No, if I can get in to see him personally, I'll get in eventually.

But it could take months. I'll get in, I'll get in.

All right, in the meantime, I can just get another job. I mean, what can I lose?

Nothing. Just another job.

* Every Time It Rains It rains pennies from heaven

* [ Scatting ] Every Time *

[ Scatting continues ]

Oh, good morning. Good morning.

I can't afford to lose time. Don't you ever rest?

It's pasadena by next wednesday. That's my schedule.

You know, a man's got to have a goal.

Otherwise we've got communism.

And I'm tap-dancing to keep this great land of ours free.

Good luck. I'll see you sometime. So long.

Step right up. Step up, sinners. Step right up and repent.

Do not cop a plea unto the almighty.

Saying, "oh, lord, I'm but a poor sinner."

For the lord shall say unto thee, "bullshit, my child."

His eye is on the sparrow, so you can bet your ass he's got you covered.

And you and you. So step right up and find the lord. A buck a throw.

Yes, the lord is here in my hand. Everyone wants to find the lord.

The lord goes into hiding, and those who seek him will find him.

Where is he now? Try thy luck.

Find the lord. Who will find the lord? It's a wonderful game.

Everybody wins, goes to heaven. Try thy luck. A lousy buck

Yes, sir, and now, where is he? Oh, no, I'm sorry,

- but a blessing to you too. The game continues. - Dr. Melmoth!

This man is a heretic. He stole my money! He's a thief!

- he's obviously deranged. - Stop him, stop him. He's a thief.

- Give me my money back. - get out of here. Fanatic!

Vegetarian! I won't give up the lord's work.

Get away from me, you snake worshiper! [ Groaning ]

That a holy man such as yourself should descend to violence.

In the name-- in the name of all that's sacred,

let me up, you little asshole.

[ Groaning ]

- you should be disgusted with yourself. - oh, I am, I am.

Pray for me.

Let thy hand, which is raised in violence,

clasp its brother in heavenly supplication, even as I do.

Father, forgive him...

For he knoweth not what he doeth.

Forgive me even more...

For I knoweth--

take that, monk!

Wait for me! Stop! Wait for me!

Of course, I forgive you, but I still don't know what I'm doing here.

Look, I'm offering you the chance of a lifetime.

A full partnership in my church for nothing.

Why me?

Because you have a certain quality,

a kind of eerie innocence.

People look at you and have to believe there's a better world somewhere.

Besides, I'm slowing down.

Oh, could I make enough money to save the monastery? I need $5,000. Of course!

What have I got to lose?

Partners. Partners.

* [ Bells Chiming ]

[ Chattering ]

* [ "I've Been Working On the railroad" ] *

[ Horn honking ]

Hey, mary, baby. How ya been?

Ambrose!

Hi. What are you doing here?

I just can't. I thought we could go out tonight and celebrate.

Listen, I'm really sorry. [ Honking continues ]

But it's just, you know, friday night, and you know, it's my big night.

I just-- I couldn't--

I mean, I couldn't just-- I mean, I'm not dressed to go anywhere, you know.

Look.

You look-- you look lovely.

Oh, ambrose, that is so beautiful.

I'm sorry, I can't. Shall we go?

Yeah, I understand. I mean,

if you'd rather be here with your friends, well, hey, that's okay.

I'll see you later, okay? Okay, I'll see you later.

Well-- Where are we going?

I've had it now. well, it's bingo night at the all-night mission.

Come on, it's all right. Come on, baby, it's all right.

Don't! No, you stop! You stop that!

Excuse me, sir. That was very rude.

I'm sure you didn't mean it. Now,

according to timothy, chapter two, verse 25:

"Be gentle unto all men."

Of course, that means all women too. [ Groaning ]

What are you doing to him?

Perhaps you prefer St. Matthew.

"Thou shalt love thy enemies."

In other words, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

You wouldn't wish me to do this unto you.

Take the gospel according to St. Mark.

Now, it isn't me you're hurting, it's you.

It's your soul that's in pain. Your immortal soul!

Excuse me, sir. On the other hand,

there's the old testament.

David and goliath.

[ Mary ] I just don't really understand.

You said you can't always have everything just the way you want it.

You know, it may not be the best of all possible worlds,

but it's the only damn one we've got.

That's what my pop used to say, anyway.

What was he like, your pop?

I don't remember much about him, except his legs.

He had an angel flying up his right leg,

and he had a devil crawling down his left leg...

And disappearing into his sock.

Tattoo. He had tattoos. Huh? Oh.

He ran out on us when I was three.

At least you know who your father was.

I was abandoned on a monastery doorstep. There was just a little note.

"Attached child is a gift from god.

P.s., please return to sender."

You don't have to sleep in the other room, if you don't want to.

I mean, you know you could stay in here with me, if you like.

Excuse me.

For what we are about to receive,

may the lord make us truly thankful.

* Hallelujah Hallelujah

* Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah

* Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah

* Hallelujah

Good morning.

[ Groaning ] Morning.

Morning.

Oh, hi.

Surprise.

Remember? The first night we met? You said you liked it.

Oh, right.

Oh, thank-- oh, look. Thank you.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Mmm! Mmm.

Not too much mustard? So good.

Mm-mm. I am so full.

Mmm. [ Laughing ] Mmm.

Listen, about last night.

Did I-- did we--

mm-hmm. We went through the whole menu.

You may check off items number one through seventy-five.

Did I really do all that?

Yeah. Well, not in one go.

Let me put it this way.

See, we both should have arrived at 72 at the same time,

but you got to 72 while I was still, you know, hanging around number 9.

No, I'm sorry. But that's just a technicality.

No, don't be silly. You know,

nice guys sometimes finish first.

Just think of it as a sin of omission.

You've done this before, haven't you? I can tell.

You could tell. How?

You kept screaming, "get to 11, get to 11."

"Get to 11." yeah. Did I say that?

I'm sorry. It's just--

well, I guess number 11 has always been one of my favorites.

Listen, ambrose.

What? I don't want to upset you, but...

What? I have to be honest with you.

Oh, I know, I know. I'm a hooker, a harlot.

I know. I'm like a whore from your bible.

I worked it out. How do you know?

Well, about what? And you're not shocked?

About me being a hooker.

No. It's just...

The outside world is nothing like anything I was taught in the monastery.

I'm just a bit, well, confused, you know.

So you mean you do have doubts, huh?

Doubts are about the only certainties I have right now, yeah.

So then you'll be going back to the monastery?

Eventually, yeah.

I mean, it's my home.

After I see Mr. Thunderbird. When are you gonna go?

Well, I-- I suppose I better get dressed.

By the way, um, I think I love you. Do you mind?

Do I mind?

Potsville-- the string-cheese capital of the world.

Aha! Where there is string cheese, sin cannot be far behind.

* [ Bells Chiming ]

Good afternoon, idle sinners of potsville.

Salvation is at hand.

Let Dr. Melmoth bring peace to your souls through the good book.

Good afternoon, voters of potsville.

Let mayor dwork bring peace to your city through law and order.

I say, I say, put the lazy bums to work and get 'em off welfare.

[ Melmoth ] "For their welfare is my concern," sayeth the lord.

"For the lord's way is the way of right."

the lord is coming through!

like hell he is.

He ain't go right of way. He don't get preference over the grand old party.

back off, lard-ass!

up thine, brother.

- you gonna move that heap of crap? - no!

Okay, so it's dirty pool you want.

Well, the lord knows that game too.

All right! It's god versus democracy!

Yee-haa!

Crummy jesus freaks!

Yee-haa!

All right! Hah!

God wins every time!

son of a bitch!

[ melmoth yelling ]

Yaa-hoo!

* Onward Christian Soldiers

* Marching As To War

* [ Congregation ] With The Cross Of Jesus

* Going On Before

* Amen

And now, sinners, when ye entered herein,

did ye not turn unto yeselves and say,

"why has he locked the door?"

I'll tell you why!

Because it is too easy to turn from the lord and run.

Moses, when he saw the burning bush, did not turn and run.

[ High-pitched voice ] No, I did not turn and run when I saw the burning bush.

Why, who's that?

Why, who could that be?

Why, it's moses himself!

* [ "Havah Nagila" ] That's it. Let's hear it for him.

Wonderful biblical prophet.

I was godstruck. What happened to you when you saw the burning bush?

Godstruck. You were what?

You mean, you were dumbstruck, dummy.

Well, that's what I thought I said.

[ Laughing ] Seriously, seriously, that concludes--

thank you. Whoo!

And now that concludes the entertainment portion of our show.

And, uh, for the next segment,

we shall all join little moses in singing, "we shall gather by the river,"

Whilst I partake of some communion wine...

And a very fine puerto ricano cigar...

Simultaneously.

Thank you, thank you.

[ Snoring ]

Hit it, Professor.

* We Shall Gather At the river

* The Beautiful The beautiful river

* Gather With The Saints At the river

* That Flows By The Throne Of god

* Shall We Gather At the river

* Where Bright Angel Feet Have trod

* With Its Crystal tide forever

* Flowing By The Throne Of god

* We Shall Gather At the river

* The Beautiful The beautiful river

* Gather With The Saints At the river

* That Flows By The Throne Of god

* We Shall Gather At The River

* The Beautiful The beautiful river

* Gather With The Saints At the river

* That Flows By The Throne Of god

* That Flows By The Throne

* Of God

* God

* God

Taped this for you earlier, AT.T. We thought you might be interested.

In peru today, 5,000 died in an earthquake.

There's news of a train crash in turkey which killed 400,

but it's going to be another lovely day tomorrow with temperatures in the high 70s.

So mostly it's good news.

On the local front, a mobile church crashed in mid-service into a lake in orange county.

Fortunately, nobody was hurt,

but one of the promoters of this scheme, a Dr. Sebastian melmoth,

here seen baptizing the survivors, described it as an act of god...

And said he's considering suing god's business manager, the pope.

His partner, a brother ambrose, an alleged monk, was not

Prayermobiles-- thought we'd run it up the crucifix and see who genuflects.

Mobile churches, coverin' the whole country.

Just think of IT: The whole country!

You can fool some of the people all the time.

And those are the sons of bitches we gonna get.

We could have every sinner's balls in our hands.

Just how much we decide to squeeze 'em for...

Uh, Miss milligan. Will be g-o-d's decision.

We could have Miss milligan prepare some ballpark figures on the scheme.

Oh, yes, huh.

- you'll get back to us on it? - well, uh, yeah. Soonest, soonest, soonest.

I have a 1:00 with g-o-d, you know, huddles and confabs.

It'll be numero uno on the agenda.

I'm comin', g-o-d.

Thy will be done.

O GO.D., in whom we trust,

who adviseth me in all the workings...

His great conglomerate, CD.P.,

consider this proposition.

[ Man's voice ] Approved.

But you cannot be everywhere.

We need a disciple to lead our crusade--

somebody pure, devout, without a record.

Someone a congressional committee wouldn't suspect.

Doest thou have someone in mind, o mighty one?

Ask thyself, and it shall answered be.

The monk? You believe he could--

consider the bears in the wood-- crappeth they not?

Of course the monk, you dumb schmuck!

[ Knocking at door ]

I'm all right, yes. I saw it on the news. Are you all right?

Dr. Melmoth's a bit-- well, we stopped at a few bars.

Yeah. Why don't you put him there, and I'll get some black coffee

[ Groaning ]

[ Sighs ]

When I was in the water back there, I was drowning,

and my whole life flashed before my eyes.

And I wasn't in it.

[ Laughs, sighs ]

[ Groans ]

[ Groaning ]

Okay, the coffee's almost ready. I hope he likes drip.

- it's no use. - don't be silly. You can start again.

No, it's too late. I'm too old.

I had talent once.

I-i had ambition, I had hands.

I had wonderful hands.

I coulda been somebody. I coulda been a bishop.

I coulda preached a revival in a ballpark outdoors.

Instead, here I am sellin' lazarus dolls in the suburbs.

No, that ain't it. Yeah, but maybe they help somebody.

I coulda said mass instead of bein' a bum.

Face IT: I'm a bum.

- I know. I'll work on my sermon. - could I--

I'll sleep now, and tomorrow, sermon.

[ Mumbling ] Tomorrow, sermon. Sleep now.

[ Groaning ] Sleep. Here you go.

[ Pounding on door ]

Hello? Hello.

Hello, is anybody there?

[ Thunder claps ]

T. Mr. Thunderbird.

I've been trying to see you for months. I have this letter from the abbot.

I know. It's about the mortgage on the monastery--

- you know? - I have the mortgage deed to your monastery.

It will be yours in good time.

God spake unto me of this even this day.

g-god speaks to you?

spake.

Spake. God spakes-- uh, talks to you personally?

Of course. With words?

Well, only-- I-i spake, speak, with him,

but, you know, when you're busy and you're a celebrity, I suppose...

oh, he listens. You don't really have much time to--

We speak of you often. You know, he's very fond of you, ambrose.

You see, I-i feel the same way about him.

everything in your life has been leading up to this moment.

God has chosen you, brother ambrose,

to lead his nationwide, mobile crusade.

Me? H-he mentioned me specifically?

You. And you shall be rewarded. Is not the laborer worthy

Look, Mr. Thunderbird, uh, m-may I be honest with you?

- why, surely. - in your services, all you do is talk about money.

Of course it is. I thought virtue was its own reward.

But the bible, That's why it doesn't attract the top talent.

Wrong! god's book, says we should share the money equally.

If god had not meant for some people to be poorer than others,

then he would not have published the bible in paperback.

Well, I just can't believe that life is only money.

Money is life. It is the lack of it which is the real evil.

Who feedeth the hungry?

Is it manna from heaven...

Or fried chicken from Kentucky?

Who clotheth the naked?

Is it JC.? Or is it JC. Penney?

And what will save your wretched monastery?

A miracle, or $5,000 cash?

Oh, no, my friend. It's true.

Money is clean.

Money is beautiful.

Money is holy.

I need it to support my hospitals,

my charities, my worthy causes.

You shall go forth and gather it in.

That is what god has chosen you for.

[ Thunderclap ]

* In God We Trust

* Invest In Him On High

* The Sweetest Buy

* Is In The By And By

* Though Stocks May Fall

* And Worldly Shares May crash

* Our Share Of Heaven's Safe

* In Good, Hard Cash

* Give Unto Him

* The Monies Heaven Spent

* Home Loans And Banks

* Yield Six Or Seven Percent

* Each Buck You Give

* Shall Be Tax-free We're told

* And Shall Return And Be

* Ten Thousandfold

* His Hand That Made

* The Earth And Sky And Sea

* Now Reaches Forth

* For Its Gratuity

* Shouldst Thou Walk By

* And Treat Him Like A Bum

* That Hand Shall Finger Thee

* In Kingdom Come

* Oh, Yes That hand shall finger thee

* In Kingdom

* Come

[ Gasps ] Ambrose!

Turn round, and don't open your eyes till I tell you.

[ Laughs ] That's funny.

I was just about to ask you to do the same thing.

All right.

Surprise!

[ Laughing ]

[ Popping ]

To your little... Misconception. [ Chuckles ]

No. No! Well, why not? Why-why not?

What if it turns out to be a girl?

Armageddon could be a girl's name.

You know, I don't know what the hell has come over you, ambrose,

but you come in here, you're wearing a cockamamie silk dress--

it's not a dress, it's a robe. Armageddon said it would be--

[ Mocking ] "Armageddon says, armageddon says."

All you give me are h words!

I don't want anything that's been in his mouth.

You have swallowed all this crap that armageddon's fed you.

And you are what you eat.

- Dr. Melmoth, would you explain-- - I don't need him to explain.

Look, just leave me out of this.

I don't want any hassle, just peace in my old age.

Tell her about armageddon's charities, about his hospitals.

Horseshit! He's doing armageddon's work.

It's a rip-off! It's big business, it's--

- you can't just say that. Wh-what proof-- - proof? There is no proof!

But every hustler on the street knows what this guy is.

- why did you wait till now? - I didn't want to hurt your feelings, that's why.

- feelings. - and I thought maybe he'll figure this one out himself.

Dr. Melmoth, you're a man of god. If this is true, you just sit and accept it?

Get out of my face, will you, monk?

Just leave me alone. You're like some holy jiminy cricket.

You're damn right, I accept it.

This may not be the best of all possible worlds,

but it's the only world we've got, so don't make waves,

because, unlike jesus, we can't walk on 'em.

Why the hell did you have to open your mouth in the first place?

CORRECTION: You opened your mouth in the first place.

I opened my mouth in the second place.

Look, I couldn't take being born again.

At my age, I couldn't stand the labor pains.

Monk off!

[ Armageddon ] O GO.D., in whom we trust,

there's somethin' I want to ask you about.

Now, you and I have made millions together, right?

How much do we own? [ God ] Check.

Yes, bottom line. Bottom line?

Ten billion, three hundred and forty-two thousand and eight cents, net.

Uh-huh. Well, now, that's how much we own,

but you know money can't buy happiness.

Only power can do that. Who do we own?

Five senators, fourteen congressmen,

two supreme court judges, twelve assorted missile manufacturers...

And an ex-president, net.

the time's right. Well, then, today, on my telecast--

The country is ready for a strong leader.

But you are god. May god go with you.

Oh, so I am. CORRECTION:

Ma i go with you. Good luck with your show,

Amen. and break a leg, kid.

* [ Humming ]

[ Muttering ] I love ya all very, very much. No, no. I love ya all very--

god?

A-are you god?

[ God ] Who do you think I am?

Does not g-0-d spell "god," Peckerhead?

But you're a computer.

Of course, bunny rabbit.

It's just that I thought if you appeared it would be...

A burning bush, o-or an elderly man with a white beard.

Hey, what do you want, impersonations?

I'm a supreme technological being.

I can appear as anything or anyone at any time I want to.

Okay, for you, one elderly man with white beard coming up.

Pretty scary, huh? [ Laughs ]

Now, what is it you want to know?

Be brief. I cost a fortune to run.

God's time is money. Profit, power.

You mean you have no moral sense?

I wasn't programmed for morality.

Then it's about time you were.

- what do you got there? - I want you to concentrate, god,

because I'm going to convert you to christianity.

Christi-- uh, will it hurt?

"In the beginning was the word."

You know, I really don't know how you can sit there so unconcerned!

I mean, for all we know ambrose may be--

oh, with him, how can you tell what he may be?

Here, here. Relax.

He never goes anywhere without saying where he's going. That just goes without saying.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the armageddon t. Thunderbird christmas special.

Look, now, he's only been gone an hour.

There's not point in panicking yet, it's much too early.

I like to panic early and avoid the rush, do you mind?

Here in a tribute to this, the holiest of seasons,

are the thunderbirdettes.

* Happy Birthday To Thee [ Audience applauding ]

* Happy Birthday To Thee

* Happy Birthday Dear jesus

* Happy Birthday To Thee

And many happy returns for easter!

[ Announcer ] And here's our own virgin mary poppin.

* God Gave Us His Son For christmas

* What Did You Get For God

* It's Not The Thought It's the gift that counts

* And Money Makes The World Go round in large amounts

* So Send Him Some Cash For christmas

* To Show Him How grateful you are

* God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

* Let Nothing You Dismay

* Remember While you're resting

* He's On Double Time Today

* God Gave Us His Son For christmas

* So For God's Sakes Give something to god

* Yes, Go And Give Something To Get up and give something to

* Go Out And Give Something to GO.D.

* Get Out And Give Something to god

* Big "G," Whee

[ Gasping, cheering ]

G.OD.

Three little words,

three little letters that simply mean, "I love you."

"And the lord said, 'let there be light,' and there was light."

god! Whoo!

andy oud id it!

Anything I say goes? [ Laughs ]

I did? Then you had a son. You did.

He went away. Where is he? That's kids for you.

Yeah, yeah. [Laughs] read the stuff about when I created the world.

With the fire and stuff? And the loaves and the fishes. I love that one!

And opening the sea, and moses, the guy that got lost. You like that one. Yeah, yeah.

- [ Laughs ] I love that! Read more! - mm-hmm. All right.

Now, I just spoke to him,

and he wants me to tell all of you that the holy trinity was...

Only the first of god's conglomerates.

[ Scattered amens, hallelujahs ]

three! And then he begat I.TT. And then I.BM.,

* [ Singsong ] Then F.BI. * Three!

* M.CA., K.k.k. Three! Three!

* R.CA. Three!

* G.MC. Three!

* U.SA. Three!

* C.DP. Three!

Three! [ Cheering ]

C.DP.

The church of divine profit.

[ Cheering ]

All of god's great creations are three in number.

[ Assent, amens ]

And then he said unto me, "armageddon,

what this country needs is a three-party political system."

You see, [ Assent ]

god's own party for god's own country!

* [ "Battle Hymn Of the republic" ] * [ Applause ]

Big business made this country great.

Let big business run it!

[ Cheering ]

G.OD. For president!

That's the end. Think you've got it?

I had no idea god was such a great guy.

Of course he is. Millions of people all over the world read the bible.

Yeah. The bible sells almost as well as harold robbins. Millions of people?

you mean I got fans?

everywhere.

[ Whoops ] I, uh, [ Clears throat ]

Have a great responsibility to my public.

Now, you're in charge of everything and everybody armageddon owns, right?

Yeah. All his computers are connected to me,

and they move on my instructions...

Well, let's go to work, god. Without hesitation.

[ God ] Now, press my green button.

yeah. Got it.

[ Beeping ]

[ God ] We're in business.

In about 45 seconds, the meek are going to inherit this earth.

Because it says right here,

in words of flame and fire,

[ Congregation ] Seek! "for ye shall seek him,

And ye shall hail him."

hail!

"seek him."

seek!

"hail him."

hail!

"seek him."

Hail him! Seek!

[ Together ] Seek! Hail!

Seek, hail! Seek, hail!

Seek, hail! Seek, hail!

Seek, hail! Seek, hail!

Seek, hail! Seek, hail!

[ Congregation ] Seek, hail! Seek, hail! * Glory, Glory, Hallelujah

[ Beeping ]

* Glory, Glory, Hallelujah [ Buzzing ]

* His Truth Is Marching On [ Gasps ]

* His Truth Is

* Marching On

[ Applause ]

[ Armageddon ] And so I say unto you,

spontaneously and without forethought,

a vote for AT.T. Is a vote for GO.D.

The sign of the cross on your ballot paper.

Because, even now, that little freak is upstairs...

Screwing around with GO.D.

- [ Gasping ] - what? Holy shit! That son-of-a-bitch monk!

Who let him upstairs? I'll kill him! I'll strangle him!

Who is screwing around with GO.D.? Who let him upstairs?

Did you let him in the office? Why did you let him in?

[ Mary ] For god's sake, can't you go any faster?

[ Melmoth ] Sure I can, but not in this damn bus.

And do you have to drink like that?

I can never drive sober. It terrifies me.

Is that an angel growing up out of your left leg?

and on your other leg, Yes.I had it done in San Diego while I was at a bible--

do you have satan disappearing down into your sock?

How do you know that?

Do you know who you are?

Not for several decades.

You're my father! I'm your daughter!

That's preposterous. I've been celibate since I was in the third grade.

I've never had intercourse with a fertile woman.

You son of a bitch!

* [ Music Plays Over loudspeaker ] * You drunken alcoholic!

[ Over loudspeaker ] You're just a broad-chasing child-deserter!

I probably am your father. Bastard son of a bitch!

Child- and wife-deserter?

The description fits! It's me!

That's almost it. There's just the biggie left.

Oh, the whole ball of wax. What's that?

There's five million bucks in laundered money. Now, type this out.

[ All shouting, indistinct ]

...And overlay. Right.

hit the red button.

what's the red button for?

Don't ask questions, dummy! Hit the red button!

all right!

[ Beeping, whirring ]

[ Buzzing ]

Where is he? Where is he?

Don't just stand there! Get an ax!

Break the door down! Kill the bastard!

Get him! Get the little bastard!

[ Continues shouting ]

* There'll Be Pennies from heaven for you and me *

[ Armageddon ] Come on, break it down! Break it down! I want him!

All right! Now step aside!

want him!

[ Thunderclap ]

- [ Sobbing, whimpering ] - I'm gonna kill you! You understand me?

[ Grunting, ranting ]

[ God ] Smite him in the gut!

Get him! Get him! Get him!

Get him, someone!

[ Both grunting ]

O god, in whom we trust,

what hath the little bastard done unto thee?

* I Did It My Way

You rotten goody-goody! You'll never work in this town again!

[ Stammering ] Why, you--

[ Whimpering ]

[ Moans ]

Oh!

[ Continues whimpering ]

Wh-where's everybody?

Where's hawk and dove? Where are my people?

Where's the schmuck bastard monk?

Oh, my god! That's ambrose!

Come on! Move it outta there! [ Honks horn ]

[ Mary over loudspeaker ] Ambrose!

[ Armageddon grumbling ]

Come on! Come on! Come over here! Come on!

Come over here! Follow that monk!

[ Mary ] Ambrose!

Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oooooh--

ambrose, we're coming! Just hold on!

[ Sirens blaring ] [ Together ] Go get 'em!

[ Tires screeching ]

They're in the car. Come on, let's go! Let's go!

[ Horn honks ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Melmoth ] Hang on, brother ambrose! Hang on!

Make an act of perfect contrition!

Wh-wha-whaaa!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Engines rev, tires screech ]

Hello, god. It's me, ambrose.

I know you don't do miracles anymore, so I'll see you in about five seconds.

Vengeance is mine! Ram him! Ram that son of a bitch! Come on!

Fear not! The bible says only asketh the lord.

Don't worry. Jesus never makes an error. He will catch thee.

Oh, you're safe at home in god's hands...

With angels cheering!

[ God ] Have a nice day!

* [ Monks Chanting ]

Do you, ambrose, take this woman, mary,

I do. to be your lawful wedded wife?

You don't mind marrying a hooker?

Not if she doesn't mind marrying a monk.

I have nothing against mixed marriages. The only trouble is,

which way do you bring up the kids?

I now pronounce you man, wife and child.

You may, uh, kiss the bride.

* [ Plays "Wedding March" ]

* The Other Day A friend of mine said

* He Said That God's Not even with us

* He Said That God Is really dead

* He Said, Oh, Pal A fact's a fact

* You Can't Believe That magic act

* I Said I Don't And that was that

* Now I Say Good for god

* Good For God

* He Goes And Makes The planet blue

* And All The Thanks He gets from you

* Is Look At All That Poo-poo In the yard

* Good For God

* I Bet He's Got A very hard job

* I'm Awfully Glad I'm here to say

* He Made It Possible For me to be here to say

* Good For God

* Instrumental

* Good For God

* Good For God

* If Faith Is Faith And that's a must

* It's Easier To Put Your trust in, uh

* You Know Who I Mean

* God

* God, O God

* Oh, Marty What have you done

* Good For God

* Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey

* [ Chorus ] Good For God * * Good

[ Man ] God bless you.