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Our father, which art in heaven--
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* The Other Day, a friend of mine said
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* He Said That God's not even with us
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* He Said That God is really dead
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* He Said, Oh, Pal, a fact's a fact
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* You Can't Believe that magic act
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* I Said I Don't and that was that
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* Now I Say good for god
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* Good For God
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* He Goes And Makes the planet blue
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* And All The Thanks he gets from you
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* Is Look At All That Poo-poo in the yard
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* Good For God
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* I Bet His Life Up There is very hard
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* He Knows Each Time a sparrow falls
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* But Who Can Answer all his calls
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* Good For God
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* Good For God
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* I Bet He's Got a very hard job
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* Ain't Got No Mama
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* Ain't Got No Papa
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* Good For God
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Good morning, god. It's me, ambrose.
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Whoops. Oh, dear. Sorry, I'm a bit behind today, but the rooster went off late.
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Thank you for sparing me for another day.
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Of course, that goes without saying, doesn't it?
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Except it doesn't, because in your book,
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it commands us to give constant thanks day and night.
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I can't imagine why you'd want anyone to keep thanking you for all eternity, day and night
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I should think you'd be bored with it by now.
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I know I would.
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I mean, it's not as if you're insecure or anything,
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or even as if you had an identity problem.
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I mean, after all, you made me in your own image, didn't you?
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I can't imagine you looking like that, somehow.
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Still,
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you made me on the morning of the sixth day.
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That was saturday.
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Well, you might have had a rough friday night. Who knows?
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Anyway, I can't stand around here talking. You don't wanna hear my problems.
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I'm sure you've got problems of your own.
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So, uh--
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I'll see you tomorrow, eh?
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I mean, I'll be here, and I know you'll be there,
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and if I'm not here, well, I'll be there.
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By the way, have a nice day, and amen.
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Shh!
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Oh, there you are, ambrose.
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Tell me something. You are happy here, aren't you?
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You are happy--
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oh, I beg your pardon. I forgot.
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Yes, of course, you have my permission to speak, of course.
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I think I'm happy, father. I don't know. It's the only world I've ever known.
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I think it's glorious at your age and still celibate.
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Good. Who with? I was celibate again last night, father.
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Myself. Three times.
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Oh, careful. Four would be pride.
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No, no, I'm happy here, father. It's my home.
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You never wish to visit another world?
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You never think you'd like to know what's going on outside these walls?
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Father, why are you asking me all this now?
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Because we're sending you on a mission, out there.
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Why-why-why me?
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Well, you see, we've fallen on hard times,
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and when we renounce the material world, and we ask god for nothing,
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and in his benevolence he gave us nothing, immediately and ever since.
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But father, we took a vow of poverty.
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Oh, well, the price of poverty's gone up.
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We can't afford the luxury of being poor anymore.
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Besides, the landlords-- they want $5,000 off the mortgage.
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But where can we get that kind of money, father? We live by charity.
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You're going to save us.
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You are going to get us the money.
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I'll tell you how. H-how can I?
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Who? You go and visit armageddon t. Thunderbird.
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Armageddon t. Thunderbird is a holy man, a philanthropist.
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Gives money to worthy causes.
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You state your case well, and you'll get the money.
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Father, I-i-i'm afraid. There's his address. There's his address.
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I've never been outside. I'm-i'm not worthy.
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You'll have to have some money.
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Give you $50. That's all we got.
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There you are. You take it. Can I have time to think it over?
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Yes, my son, you'll have plenty of time to think about it.
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You see, father, I've just never been inside the outside world and--
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Help! Let me in! I'm innocent!
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Bless you, my son. Thank you for making the right decision. I'm innocent!
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God bless. Godspeed. Vaya con dios. Let me in!
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Have a nice day. Please, father!
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Let me in!
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Greetings, companion in christ.
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Yes, I'm talkin' to you, jim.
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Is it not written that those who are cast down shall be raised up?
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Arise and behold! The chariot of the lord awaiteth.
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Haul thine ass aboard.
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Oh, thank you.
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This really is very kind of you.
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Dr. Sebastian melmoth. Evangelist, Doctor of divinity,
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wandering scholar, licensed purveyor of religious novelties.
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Brother ambrose, monk.
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Welcome to my church.
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This really is a church then?
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My goodness. Ah, yes, a traveling church.
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Like the missionaries of old,
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I sally forth across the land...
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Laying the word on the good people.
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- that sounds wonderful.
- ah! Then, would you care for a blast, my son?
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It's a fine, holy wine. I-i--
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Uh, no, thanks. oh, you'll be amused by its humility.
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No, uh, I never drink except, of course, after the wafer.
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Quite right.
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Unwise to celebrate the lord on an empty stomach.
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Move over!
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same to you, fella!
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Up thine! And thy mother's!
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And thy mother's mother's!
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Peace. Ah, ha-ha, yes. Peace. Peace.
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Yes. You're bound, I take it, for the city of Los Angeles?
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Ah, yes, the city of lost angels.
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So many wonderful sinners there.
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* Onward Christian Soldiers
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* Marching On To War
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* With The Cross Of Jesus
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* Marching On Before
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Oh, yes, you will.
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The lord's work is never done.
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Right there. Good. Move 'em.
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Here we go. Oh, yes.
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This is as far as I go.
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Thank you, Dr. Melmoth. You've been very kind.
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Don't mention it. Don't mention it.
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Oh, do me a favor, will you, and help these tired old legs?
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Certainly, Dr. Melmoth. Pick it up, will you, please? Freeze. Don't move a muscle.
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I don't want your money, my son. No, I'm not interested
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Shut up and don't argue. What are you talking about?
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If I see human suffering, it is my duty to help, if I can, without thought...
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To material or personal gain.
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Now, my son, how long have you been thus afflicted?
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Since childhood. Afflicted? I-- what are you talking about?
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Now, I claim no powers for myself.
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But-- The lord works through my hands.
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I will make this wretched creature walk upright.
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I feel-- Do you feel the power coursing through you?
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Let me go, please. Do you feel the electricity?
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Let me go. Please. Ooh, do you believe? Ooh, do you believe?
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Out, devil spirit! Heal!
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See? He stands!
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Oh, jesus! It's a miracle! He stands up straight!
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Take your money, son. The lord doesn't want it. He doesn't need it.
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He's made you whole! Praise the lord!
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Walk in the lord, my son. Walk!
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Run! Beat it! It's a miracle! Step right up, sinners.
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Take a miracle home with you.
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Get your levitating lazarus doll.
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See him rise from the dead in the privacy of your own home.
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Hello, kiddies. I'm lazarus.
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I'm alive again. Why don't you stand up for jesus?
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* The Other Day a friend of mine said
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* He Said That God's not even with us
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* He Said That God Is really dead
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* He Said, Oh, Pal, a fact's a fact
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* You Can't Believe that magic act
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* I Said I Don't and that was that
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* Now I say good for god
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* Good for god
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* He Goes And Make this planet blue
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* And All The Thanks he gets from you
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* Is Look At All That Poo-poo in the yard
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* Good For God
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* I Bet His Life Up There was very hard
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* He Knows Each Time a sparrow falls
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* But Who Can Answer All his calls
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* - Good for god
- we must wait for the son to return--
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...Prophecy of doom!
* Good For God
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* I Bet He's Got A very hard job
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* I'm Awfully Glad I'm here to say
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* He Made It Possible For me to be here to say
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* Good For God
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Instrumental.
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* Good Lord
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* Good For God
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* Now, If Truth Is Truth And it's easy if you know the truth
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* That's The Truth So help me god
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* Good For God
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* Say, Good For God
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* Good For God
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Excuse me, sir, you dropped your photos! Your photos!
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They aren't mine. They were his. They were his.
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I wouldn't. I mean-- oh, my god!
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* Good For God
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* Now, If Truth Is Truth And it's easy if you know the truth
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* That's The Truth So help me god
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* Good For God
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* Say, Good For God
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* Good For God
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* He's Got A Hard Job
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* Before They Put Me In a hole
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* I Pray To God I Find A big limo
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* Good For Me
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* And Good For God
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Father! Father!
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I'm not a father. I'm a brother, sister. What is it you wanted?
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Huh? The sanctuary of the church.
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Oh.
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It's all right. What are you doing under there?
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I was brought up in a convent. Just hide me till the cops go by.
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Yes. Are they still there?
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Right. Look casual,
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and keep walking.
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* Every Time It Rains It rains pennies from heaven
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* Da, Do, Da, La, Do, Don't you know
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* Each Cloud Contains Pennies from heaven *
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And the confusion and the noise and people running about.
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Well, I've never seen-- oh, well, maybe you have.
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I've never seen anything like this in my life. Then the way we met.
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I mean, the I met you, rather the way you met-- the way you met me.
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What? Oh, my god.
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I just realized how awful it must've been for you when I dived under your robe.
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Well, it was a bit strange.
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I mean, I've never met a woman in my life before,
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let alone, had one on the premises, if you know what I mean.
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No, honestly. Oh, come on.
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Well, I've seen pictures in the bible,
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but they were wearing these loose flowing robes,
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and you can't tell what they've got underneath them.
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See, that-- not like with you. I mean, with you,
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I can get some idea of what you've got.
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I mean, you've got legs and bumpy bits.
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Those things, you know? What?
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Uh-huh, mm-hmm. Oh, you mean my boobies?
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What about them?
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Nothing. I think they look very well on you. They suit you.
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Oh, yeah. You really do?
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'Cause I always thought they were kinda on the smallish side.
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Not to me. They're bigger than mine. You know what I mean?
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they're huge. Huge. Well--
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No. Really? Gee, it's a very nice thing to say.
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- no, it really is. Then again, what do you know?
- that's true.
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Would you like a taste?
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Good? Mmm! Mmm!
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Think it needs a little more mustard, eh?
242
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Just-- No. It is just right.
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you really are an innocent, aren't you?
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It's touching. I suppose so.
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It really is. It's touching, in a disgusting kind of way.
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You see, I know a lot about the theory of sin,
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but I don't know anything about the practice.
248
00:22:25,077 --> 00:22:27,814
I mean, for instance,
249
00:22:27,847 --> 00:22:29,949
What? fornication.
250
00:22:32,452 --> 00:22:34,987
The bible's full of it. You mustn't do it.
251
00:22:35,021 --> 00:22:37,590
It's sinful. You'll go to hell.
252
00:22:37,624 --> 00:22:40,427
But it doesn't tell you how to do it, so how do you know you're not?
253
00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:44,597
I mean, for all I know, I might be sitting here right now, fornicating.
254
00:22:44,631 --> 00:22:48,501
Thanks. No, you're not. If you were, I'd tell ya.
255
00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:58,077
That couple over there sucking each other's mouths--
256
00:22:58,110 --> 00:23:01,481
Oh, sorry. would you keep it down a little bit?
257
00:23:01,514 --> 00:23:04,083
Are-are they fornicating?
258
00:23:04,116 --> 00:23:07,186
They're kissing. They're just kissing.
259
00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:09,556
That's phase one. Kissing.
260
00:23:09,589 --> 00:23:13,125
When they get home, they'll probably move into phase two. Ah!
261
00:23:13,159 --> 00:23:17,997
Oh, you... Fornicate in phases.
262
00:23:18,030 --> 00:23:20,800
Oh, yeah, that is, if you're not pressed for time. Ah.
263
00:23:20,833 --> 00:23:23,836
See, sex-- sex is very much like a meal.
264
00:23:23,870 --> 00:23:26,606
I'll show you.
265
00:23:26,639 --> 00:23:28,675
See this menu?
266
00:23:28,708 --> 00:23:32,612
If you were gonna order a meal, you wouldn't go right for the main course,would you?
267
00:23:32,645 --> 00:23:35,448
Wouldn't you like to have a little appetizer first?
268
00:23:35,482 --> 00:23:39,018
You know, like, uh, a little chopped liver?
269
00:23:39,051 --> 00:23:41,921
It's an appetizer. That's kissing. That's what kissing is.
270
00:23:43,756 --> 00:23:46,125
Chopped liver. Chopped liver. Yeah.
271
00:23:46,158 --> 00:23:48,795
Chopped liver. Yeah, that's all.
272
00:23:48,828 --> 00:23:52,064
Number one-- chopped liver. Phase one. Good. Chopped liver.
273
00:23:52,098 --> 00:23:54,133
Phase one.
274
00:23:56,736 --> 00:24:00,172
What? I wonder if you would do me a great favor?
275
00:24:00,206 --> 00:24:05,678
Well, you see, if all these phases lead to fornication,
276
00:24:05,712 --> 00:24:08,915
would you mind writing down all the things that I must avoid...
277
00:24:08,948 --> 00:24:11,818
In the right order?
278
00:24:11,851 --> 00:24:13,786
If it's not too much trouble.
279
00:24:13,820 --> 00:24:16,022
Oh, no, listen, I'd be glad to do it.
280
00:24:18,057 --> 00:24:20,560
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Now, what'd you want? You want a list here, right?
281
00:24:20,593 --> 00:24:22,862
Everything to avoid. Of everything you're not supposed to do?
282
00:24:22,895 --> 00:24:27,767
yeah? Okay. Uh, well, number one--
283
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:32,171
Uh, number one we went through already-- is kissing.
284
00:24:32,204 --> 00:24:34,240
Right? Kissing.
285
00:24:34,273 --> 00:24:36,242
Right, kissing.
286
00:24:36,275 --> 00:24:38,144
Now, number two--
287
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:45,985
bumpy bits. take hold of the, uh--
288
00:24:46,018 --> 00:24:49,221
Yeah. Shh! You take it, but not like that.
289
00:24:49,255 --> 00:24:51,991
You could hurt someone like that. It's not a claw.
290
00:24:52,024 --> 00:24:57,129
It's a very gentle kind of movement. You know, it's like a very caressing--
291
00:24:59,198 --> 00:25:02,268
Oh, that's very nice.
292
00:25:02,301 --> 00:25:05,572
Mmm! That's good. That's good, that's good. Okay.
293
00:25:05,605 --> 00:25:10,076
Number two, right. No, it's okay, you can stop. Just keep it to yourself, okay?
294
00:25:10,109 --> 00:25:12,244
Take hold of the... Bits. I've got it.
295
00:25:12,278 --> 00:25:16,315
I'll just put-- you'll remember, right? Now, number three--
296
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:19,786
Yeah. now, number three is very technical.
297
00:25:19,819 --> 00:25:22,054
So I'm gonna draw you a diagram on number three, okay? Mm-hmm.
298
00:25:22,088 --> 00:25:24,190
Now, this is a picture of a woman.
299
00:25:24,223 --> 00:25:26,959
Aha, yes, I can see the bumpy bits.
300
00:25:26,993 --> 00:25:29,662
Oh. No, those are puffed sleeves. She's wearing a dress.
301
00:25:29,696 --> 00:25:32,231
And then you make love. I don't know why you always get that one wrong.
302
00:25:32,264 --> 00:25:34,834
You get into bed first, then make love.
303
00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:37,236
So my 74 goes where my 75 was. Use your logic on that one.
304
00:25:37,269 --> 00:25:40,640
Yes. You know, making love's supposed to be spontaneous.
305
00:25:40,673 --> 00:25:43,743
Why do you think there are hundreds of books out how to do it right?
306
00:25:43,776 --> 00:25:47,947
Oh. Oh, good night. Well, here's where I live.
307
00:25:47,980 --> 00:25:50,817
Yeah. Bye. Where are you staying tonight?
308
00:25:50,850 --> 00:25:53,219
Sure you'll be all right? I don't know. I'll find somewhere.
309
00:25:53,252 --> 00:25:55,354
Oh, yeah, I've got lots of money.
310
00:25:55,387 --> 00:25:57,824
The abbot gave me more than $50. I have--
311
00:26:02,294 --> 00:26:05,331
What? melmoth.
312
00:26:05,364 --> 00:26:08,134
No, it's nothing.
313
00:26:08,167 --> 00:26:11,170
Good night. Okay. Bye. Good night.
314
00:26:42,101 --> 00:26:47,239
Number one-- chopped liver, kissing.
315
00:26:47,273 --> 00:26:50,176
Number two--
316
00:26:54,881 --> 00:26:58,084
Number three-- three was--
317
00:26:58,117 --> 00:27:02,188
So many things to remember to avoid.
318
00:27:02,221 --> 00:27:05,157
Hello, god. It's me, ambrose.
319
00:27:05,191 --> 00:27:07,827
Sorry to bother you,
320
00:27:07,860 --> 00:27:12,264
but if you wanted us to ignore fleshly sins, why did you make us out of meat?
321
00:27:12,298 --> 00:27:14,734
I mean, you could've made us out of anything.
322
00:27:14,767 --> 00:27:20,239
You could've made us out of burlap or rubber or wood, jell-o, anything.
323
00:27:20,272 --> 00:27:23,943
I know. You work in mysterious ways.
324
00:27:23,976 --> 00:27:27,379
But we don't. Human beings, I mean.
325
00:27:27,413 --> 00:27:32,084
Tomorrow night, I'll take you to see armageddon t. Thunderbird
326
00:27:32,118 --> 00:27:35,254
Ambrose. By the way, what's your name?
327
00:27:35,287 --> 00:27:39,058
Good night, ambrose. My name is mary.
328
00:27:41,260 --> 00:27:43,195
Mary?
329
00:27:48,167 --> 00:27:51,037
I can't stand it any more. I can't stand it.
330
00:27:54,006 --> 00:27:56,876
What are you doing in there?
331
00:27:56,909 --> 00:28:01,714
The abbot said, if everything else fails, a cold shower'll do it.
332
00:28:03,249 --> 00:28:05,117
Bumpy bits.
333
00:28:42,421 --> 00:28:45,992
With a chicken--
334
00:28:46,025 --> 00:28:48,928
Get out of here, you filthy swine.
335
00:28:48,961 --> 00:28:52,498
Out! Next!
336
00:28:52,531 --> 00:28:54,366
Serving number 12.
337
00:28:58,805 --> 00:29:00,472
Serving number 12.
338
00:29:09,581 --> 00:29:12,018
Kneel down and make it snappy.
339
00:29:12,051 --> 00:29:16,923
Cut the frills and get straight to the meat and potatoes.
340
00:29:16,956 --> 00:29:20,359
Yes, yes. Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.
341
00:29:22,328 --> 00:29:28,267
Whine. Tell me about it. Well, you whine about this, and you whine about that.
342
00:29:28,300 --> 00:29:31,237
And the-- oh!
343
00:29:31,270 --> 00:29:33,339
It's death and transfiguration.
344
00:29:34,606 --> 00:29:37,076
Don't worry about me.
345
00:29:37,109 --> 00:29:40,512
If you'll just start, and I'll get the general drift.
346
00:29:40,546 --> 00:29:45,184
Last night, father, I was tormented by an impure thought.
347
00:29:45,217 --> 00:29:50,156
I said, I was tormented by an impure thought. I can't hear you.
348
00:29:50,189 --> 00:29:54,526
I-- it was about mary. Could you speak up, please?
349
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:58,497
Mary! I wanted to take her clothes off! What? Louder!
350
00:29:58,530 --> 00:30:01,233
You wanted to do what? Speak up, I can't hear you!
351
00:30:01,267 --> 00:30:05,471
You are mumbling! I wanted to take her clothes off.
352
00:30:05,504 --> 00:30:08,941
I wanted to take her clothes off and caress her bumpy bits!
353
00:30:08,975 --> 00:30:11,143
Bits! Her what?
354
00:30:11,177 --> 00:30:13,880
Fondling. You know--
355
00:30:13,913 --> 00:30:15,982
You know? What?
356
00:30:16,015 --> 00:30:21,253
Number three! And then I wanted to try number 30!
357
00:30:21,287 --> 00:30:25,958
O-or maybe do number 15 twice, instead.
358
00:30:25,992 --> 00:30:28,194
A-a-and then, I wanted to take her by the--
359
00:30:28,227 --> 00:30:31,964
And-- both her--
360
00:30:31,998 --> 00:30:34,233
again! And again!
361
00:30:34,266 --> 00:30:37,536
Until I was exhausted!
362
00:30:37,569 --> 00:30:43,275
But I'm a monk, father. What shall I do?
363
00:30:43,309 --> 00:30:46,212
I didn't hear a damn word you said.
364
00:30:46,245 --> 00:30:48,080
That'll be, uh--
365
00:30:48,114 --> 00:30:50,016
I'm afraid I only have, uh--
366
00:30:50,049 --> 00:30:52,251
two dollars. Yeah, I'll have that.
367
00:30:52,284 --> 00:30:55,287
Have a nice day!
368
00:31:24,350 --> 00:31:28,220
Do you believe in god?
369
00:31:34,994 --> 00:31:37,163
The church of divine profit...
370
00:31:37,196 --> 00:31:42,001
Humbly presents the armageddon t. Thunderbird crusade.
371
00:31:42,034 --> 00:31:47,239
And here he is, god's buddy, AT.T. Himself.
372
00:31:51,377 --> 00:31:53,245
do you love god?
373
00:31:53,279 --> 00:31:55,347
yes!
374
00:31:55,381 --> 00:31:59,986
- I mean, do you really love god?
- yes!
375
00:32:00,019 --> 00:32:01,320
has he been good to you?
376
00:32:01,353 --> 00:32:02,488
yes!
377
00:32:02,521 --> 00:32:04,623
I thought so.
378
00:32:04,656 --> 00:32:09,461
yes! And have you been good to him?
379
00:32:09,495 --> 00:32:10,729
oh, really?
380
00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:12,264
yes.
381
00:32:12,298 --> 00:32:13,499
liars!
382
00:32:13,532 --> 00:32:15,567
no!
383
00:32:15,601 --> 00:32:19,972
Because I just spoke to him, and do you have any idea where he is right now?
384
00:32:20,006 --> 00:32:24,043
God is in the hospital! no!
385
00:32:26,778 --> 00:32:29,081
In the intensive care unit!
386
00:32:29,115 --> 00:32:31,517
No! And do you know who put him there?
387
00:32:31,550 --> 00:32:34,253
Y-o-u.
388
00:32:39,291 --> 00:32:42,494
He looked so pale.
389
00:32:50,069 --> 00:32:54,673
Why are you crying? Isn't that what you wanted?
390
00:32:54,706 --> 00:32:57,509
Do you wanna see him pull through? No!
391
00:32:57,543 --> 00:33:00,146
All right! I said to him, yes!
392
00:33:00,179 --> 00:33:04,216
"I am your servant, lord. What do you want?"
393
00:33:04,250 --> 00:33:07,419
"Everything, armageddon. Everything.
394
00:33:07,453 --> 00:33:10,722
I need money to put it right."
395
00:33:10,756 --> 00:33:14,193
"But what will you give them in return?" I queried.
396
00:33:14,226 --> 00:33:16,328
And then he said,
397
00:33:16,362 --> 00:33:21,767
"I will assure them a place forever in the kingdom of heaven."
398
00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:24,670
And that's--
399
00:33:24,703 --> 00:33:27,573
and that's rent-free!
400
00:33:27,606 --> 00:33:32,744
Yes! Now, doesn't that sound like a good deal?
401
00:33:32,778 --> 00:33:36,548
Well, then put thy money where is thy mouth!
402
00:33:36,582 --> 00:33:39,685
And I'm not just asking the people here in the studio audience.
403
00:33:39,718 --> 00:33:45,557
I'm askin' you, you and you!
404
00:33:48,194 --> 00:33:51,630
* In God We Trust
405
00:33:51,663 --> 00:33:55,801
* Invest In Him On High
406
00:33:55,834 --> 00:33:59,505
* The Sweetest Buy
407
00:33:59,538 --> 00:34:03,675
* Is In The By And By
408
00:34:03,709 --> 00:34:07,646
* Each Buck To Him
409
00:34:07,679 --> 00:34:12,118
* Shall Be Tax-free We're told
410
00:34:12,151 --> 00:34:17,789
* And Shall Return And be ten thousandfold
411
00:34:17,823 --> 00:34:19,758
* All Together
412
00:34:19,791 --> 00:34:23,829
* And Shall Return And Be
413
00:34:23,862 --> 00:34:29,535
* Ten Thousandfold
414
00:34:38,244 --> 00:34:42,214
I didn't understand a word he was talking about.
415
00:34:42,248 --> 00:34:44,750
He's supposed to be a christian. I don't-- I don't understand.
416
00:34:44,783 --> 00:34:49,121
This is awfully confusing for you, isn't it?
417
00:34:49,155 --> 00:34:51,623
'Tis a bit.
418
00:34:51,657 --> 00:34:53,825
Well, I think you've had a big day,
419
00:34:53,859 --> 00:34:56,128
and I think you should go to sleep now, okay?
420
00:34:56,162 --> 00:34:59,765
You look sweet in pink.
421
00:35:01,367 --> 00:35:04,370
I'm gonna go and see him tomorrow.
422
00:35:04,403 --> 00:35:07,473
Mm-hmm. You're gonna go see armageddon?
423
00:35:07,506 --> 00:35:10,409
When he understands, he'll help.
424
00:35:11,643 --> 00:35:15,647
Poor ambrose.
425
00:35:15,681 --> 00:35:20,219
I wonder if god will ever forgive you your virtues?
426
00:35:28,727 --> 00:35:30,862
Excuse me.
427
00:36:00,626 --> 00:36:02,794
Good afternoon. I'd like to see Mr. Thunderbird.
428
00:36:02,828 --> 00:36:06,632
I-i've got this letter from the abbot. Not today. He's too busy.
429
00:36:06,665 --> 00:36:10,602
You got it! I'm one of the meek. I'm supposed to inherit the earth.
430
00:36:21,747 --> 00:36:23,715
You just don't understand, ambrose.
431
00:36:23,749 --> 00:36:26,385
I understand I don't understand, but what don't I understand?
432
00:36:26,418 --> 00:36:30,222
That the meek may inherit the earth, but not until the strong are finished with it.
433
00:36:30,256 --> 00:36:32,391
And by that time, it won't even be worth having.
434
00:36:32,424 --> 00:36:34,693
But it could take weeks. Oh, I'll get in to see him, finally.
435
00:36:34,726 --> 00:36:37,763
I'll get a job in the meantime. Look, is there anything
436
00:36:37,796 --> 00:36:40,732
Oh, look, ambrose, listen. You don't need to work.
437
00:36:40,766 --> 00:36:43,602
I mean, you could come and stay at my place, right?
438
00:36:43,635 --> 00:36:47,373
What do you do? I really do make enough money for both of us.
439
00:36:47,406 --> 00:36:50,342
Well, for a living, what do you do? What?
440
00:36:50,376 --> 00:36:53,679
Oh, uh, I wouldn't even concern myself about that, if I were you.
441
00:36:53,712 --> 00:36:56,615
Well, maybe you could get me a job doing it with you.
442
00:36:56,648 --> 00:37:01,219
I'm good with my hands. Well, I could look into it.
443
00:38:05,617 --> 00:38:09,488
Hey. Hey! Come back! Dr. Melmoth!
444
00:38:10,822 --> 00:38:12,891
Philistine!
445
00:38:27,773 --> 00:38:29,808
All right, monk!
446
00:38:36,682 --> 00:38:38,850
All right, I'm going.
447
00:38:45,891 --> 00:38:50,462
Thanks, but I feel rotten. Hi. You look so nauseous.
448
00:38:50,496 --> 00:38:53,799
Oh, ambrose, how many times are you gonna keep on trying?
449
00:38:53,832 --> 00:38:56,568
Well, till I get in and see him. You see, if I could show him
450
00:38:56,602 --> 00:38:58,537
What, what? I got an idea.
451
00:38:58,570 --> 00:39:01,407
No, no. Couldn't you just pray to god for the money?
452
00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:03,875
No, ask for money, and you spoil a friendship.
453
00:39:03,909 --> 00:39:08,380
I've gotta see him personally. Mr. Thunderbird'll understand. He's a christian.
454
00:39:08,414 --> 00:39:12,518
No, being born in a christian home doesn't necessarily make you christian...
455
00:39:12,551 --> 00:39:16,455
Any more than being born in a bakery makes you a bagel.
456
00:39:16,488 --> 00:39:20,592
I mean, maybe Mr. Thunderbird just isn't even interested in your old monastery.
457
00:39:20,626 --> 00:39:23,629
No, if I can get in to see him personally, I'll get in eventually.
458
00:39:23,662 --> 00:39:26,064
But it could take months. I'll get in, I'll get in.
459
00:39:26,097 --> 00:39:29,735
All right, in the meantime, I can just get another job. I mean, what can I lose?
460
00:39:29,768 --> 00:39:33,539
Nothing. Just another job.
461
00:39:33,572 --> 00:39:37,108
* Every Time It Rains It rains pennies from heaven
462
00:39:37,142 --> 00:39:39,678
* Every Time *
463
00:39:44,650 --> 00:39:47,085
Oh, good morning. Good morning.
464
00:39:47,118 --> 00:39:49,821
I can't afford to lose time. Don't you ever rest?
465
00:39:49,855 --> 00:39:53,625
It's pasadena by next wednesday. That's my schedule.
466
00:39:53,659 --> 00:39:55,627
You know, a man's got to have a goal.
467
00:39:55,661 --> 00:39:58,564
Otherwise we've got communism.
468
00:39:58,597 --> 00:40:02,968
And I'm tap-dancing to keep this great land of ours free.
469
00:40:03,001 --> 00:40:04,570
Good luck. I'll see you sometime. So long.
470
00:40:04,603 --> 00:40:07,072
Step right up. Step up, sinners. Step right up and repent.
471
00:40:07,105 --> 00:40:09,074
Do not cop a plea unto the almighty.
472
00:40:09,107 --> 00:40:11,510
Saying, "oh, lord, I'm but a poor sinner."
473
00:40:11,543 --> 00:40:13,912
For the lord shall say unto thee, "bullshit, my child."
474
00:40:13,945 --> 00:40:16,582
His eye is on the sparrow, so you can bet your ass he's got you covered.
475
00:40:16,615 --> 00:40:21,587
And you and you. So step right up and find the lord. A buck a throw.
476
00:40:21,620 --> 00:40:24,823
Yes, the lord is here in my hand. Everyone wants to find the lord.
477
00:40:24,856 --> 00:40:27,559
The lord goes into hiding, and those who seek him will find him.
478
00:40:27,593 --> 00:40:29,595
Where is he now? Try thy luck.
479
00:40:29,628 --> 00:40:32,664
Find the lord. Who will find the lord? It's a wonderful game.
480
00:40:32,698 --> 00:40:36,568
Everybody wins, goes to heaven. Try thy luck. A lousy buck
481
00:40:36,602 --> 00:40:40,071
Yes, sir, and now, where is he? Oh, no, I'm sorry,
482
00:40:40,105 --> 00:40:43,809
- but a blessing to you too. The game continues.
- Dr. Melmoth!
483
00:40:43,842 --> 00:40:48,013
This man is a heretic. He stole my money! He's a thief!
484
00:40:48,046 --> 00:40:50,616
- he's obviously deranged.
- Stop him, stop him. He's a thief.
485
00:40:50,649 --> 00:40:54,052
- Give me my money back.
- get out of here. Fanatic!
486
00:40:54,085 --> 00:40:58,857
Vegetarian! I won't give up the lord's work.
487
00:40:58,890 --> 00:41:03,028
Get away from me, you snake worshiper!
488
00:41:03,061 --> 00:41:08,634
That a holy man such as yourself should descend to violence.
489
00:41:08,667 --> 00:41:12,638
In the name-- in the name of all that's sacred,
490
00:41:12,671 --> 00:41:15,273
let me up, you little asshole.
491
00:41:19,144 --> 00:41:22,614
- you should be disgusted with yourself.
- oh, I am, I am.
492
00:41:22,648 --> 00:41:24,750
Pray for me.
493
00:41:24,783 --> 00:41:29,555
Let thy hand, which is raised in violence,
494
00:41:29,588 --> 00:41:34,660
clasp its brother in heavenly supplication, even as I do.
495
00:41:34,693 --> 00:41:37,128
Father, forgive him...
496
00:41:37,162 --> 00:41:40,231
For he knoweth not what he doeth.
497
00:41:40,265 --> 00:41:43,769
Forgive me even more...
498
00:41:43,802 --> 00:41:46,271
For I knoweth--
499
00:41:47,673 --> 00:41:49,040
take that, monk!
500
00:41:55,146 --> 00:41:58,684
Wait for me! Stop! Wait for me!
501
00:42:02,888 --> 00:42:05,757
Of course, I forgive you, but I still don't know what I'm doing here.
502
00:42:05,791 --> 00:42:08,259
Look, I'm offering you the chance of a lifetime.
503
00:42:08,293 --> 00:42:10,295
A full partnership in my church for nothing.
504
00:42:10,328 --> 00:42:12,297
Why me?
505
00:42:12,330 --> 00:42:15,767
Because you have a certain quality,
506
00:42:15,801 --> 00:42:18,770
a kind of eerie innocence.
507
00:42:18,804 --> 00:42:23,709
People look at you and have to believe there's a better world somewhere.
508
00:42:23,742 --> 00:42:25,777
Besides, I'm slowing down.
509
00:42:25,811 --> 00:42:30,882
Oh, could I make enough money to save the monastery? I need $5,000. Of course!
510
00:42:32,183 --> 00:42:34,085
What have I got to lose?
511
00:42:34,119 --> 00:42:38,857
Partners. Partners.
512
00:42:58,276 --> 00:43:00,879
Hey, mary, baby. How ya been?
513
00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:11,089
Ambrose!
514
00:43:11,122 --> 00:43:14,125
Hi. What are you doing here?
515
00:43:14,159 --> 00:43:17,663
I just can't. I thought we could go out tonight and celebrate.
516
00:43:17,696 --> 00:43:19,865
Listen, I'm really sorry.
517
00:43:19,898 --> 00:43:22,701
But it's just, you know, friday night, and you know, it's my big night.
518
00:43:22,734 --> 00:43:25,270
I just-- I couldn't--
519
00:43:25,303 --> 00:43:29,240
I mean, I couldn't just-- I mean, I'm not dressed to go anywhere, you know.
520
00:43:29,274 --> 00:43:31,342
Look.
521
00:43:33,344 --> 00:43:36,214
You look-- you look lovely.
522
00:43:36,247 --> 00:43:38,984
Oh, ambrose, that is so beautiful.
523
00:43:39,017 --> 00:43:41,687
I'm sorry, I can't. Shall we go?
524
00:43:44,022 --> 00:43:46,124
Yeah, I understand. I mean,
525
00:43:46,157 --> 00:43:50,361
if you'd rather be here with your friends, well, hey, that's okay.
526
00:43:50,395 --> 00:43:53,765
I'll see you later, okay? Okay, I'll see you later.
527
00:44:04,910 --> 00:44:07,445
Well-- Where are we going?
528
00:44:07,478 --> 00:44:11,082
I've had it now. well, it's bingo night at the all-night mission.
529
00:44:11,116 --> 00:44:13,852
Come on, it's all right. Come on, baby, it's all right.
530
00:44:13,885 --> 00:44:18,089
Don't! No, you stop! You stop that!
531
00:44:20,792 --> 00:44:25,897
Excuse me, sir. That was very rude.
532
00:44:25,931 --> 00:44:27,999
I'm sure you didn't mean it. Now,
533
00:44:29,901 --> 00:44:32,971
according to timothy, chapter two, verse 25:
534
00:44:33,004 --> 00:44:34,906
"Be gentle unto all men."
535
00:44:34,940 --> 00:44:37,042
Of course, that means all women too.
536
00:44:37,075 --> 00:44:39,077
What are you doing to him?
537
00:44:39,110 --> 00:44:41,747
Perhaps you prefer St. Matthew.
538
00:44:41,780 --> 00:44:43,882
"Thou shalt love thy enemies."
539
00:44:43,915 --> 00:44:46,785
In other words, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
540
00:44:46,818 --> 00:44:49,755
You wouldn't wish me to do this unto you.
541
00:44:56,194 --> 00:44:59,831
Take the gospel according to St. Mark.
542
00:44:59,865 --> 00:45:02,734
Now, it isn't me you're hurting, it's you.
543
00:45:02,768 --> 00:45:06,437
It's your soul that's in pain. Your immortal soul!
544
00:45:09,074 --> 00:45:12,844
Excuse me, sir. On the other hand,
545
00:45:12,878 --> 00:45:15,413
there's the old testament.
546
00:45:15,446 --> 00:45:18,149
David and goliath.
547
00:45:29,460 --> 00:45:32,463
I just don't really understand.
548
00:45:32,497 --> 00:45:37,435
You said you can't always have everything just the way you want it.
549
00:45:37,468 --> 00:45:40,305
You know, it may not be the best of all possible worlds,
550
00:45:40,338 --> 00:45:43,441
but it's the only damn one we've got.
551
00:45:43,474 --> 00:45:46,544
That's what my pop used to say, anyway.
552
00:45:46,577 --> 00:45:49,247
What was he like, your pop?
553
00:45:49,280 --> 00:45:53,351
I don't remember much about him, except his legs.
554
00:45:53,384 --> 00:45:58,423
He had an angel flying up his right leg,
555
00:45:58,456 --> 00:46:03,461
and he had a devil crawling down his left leg...
556
00:46:03,494 --> 00:46:05,964
And disappearing into his sock.
557
00:46:05,997 --> 00:46:10,368
Tattoo. He had tattoos. Huh? Oh.
558
00:46:10,401 --> 00:46:13,538
He ran out on us when I was three.
559
00:46:13,571 --> 00:46:17,508
At least you know who your father was.
560
00:46:17,542 --> 00:46:22,347
I was abandoned on a monastery doorstep. There was just a little note.
561
00:46:22,380 --> 00:46:25,350
"Attached child is a gift from god.
562
00:46:25,383 --> 00:46:30,221
P.s., please return to sender."
563
00:46:41,867 --> 00:46:47,839
You don't have to sleep in the other room, if you don't want to.
564
00:46:47,873 --> 00:46:51,342
I mean, you know you could stay in here with me, if you like.
565
00:46:54,412 --> 00:46:56,447
Excuse me.
566
00:47:37,022 --> 00:47:39,357
For what we are about to receive,
567
00:47:39,390 --> 00:47:42,293
may the lord make us truly thankful.
568
00:47:49,267 --> 00:47:53,171
* Hallelujah, Hallelujah
569
00:47:53,204 --> 00:47:57,142
* Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
570
00:47:57,175 --> 00:48:00,645
* Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, hallelujah
571
00:48:00,678 --> 00:48:07,518
* Hallelujah
572
00:48:18,729 --> 00:48:20,999
Good morning.
573
00:48:21,032 --> 00:48:23,401
Morning.
574
00:48:23,434 --> 00:48:25,370
Morning.
575
00:48:25,403 --> 00:48:27,538
Oh, hi.
576
00:48:27,572 --> 00:48:29,640
Surprise.
577
00:48:32,077 --> 00:48:34,545
Remember? The first night we met? You said you liked it.
578
00:48:34,579 --> 00:48:37,248
Oh, right.
579
00:48:37,282 --> 00:48:41,286
Oh, thank-- oh, look. Thank you.
580
00:48:41,319 --> 00:48:43,154
Thank you.
581
00:48:47,425 --> 00:48:49,260
Mmm.
582
00:48:55,133 --> 00:48:58,103
Mmm! Mmm.
583
00:48:58,136 --> 00:49:00,605
Not too much mustard? So good.
584
00:49:00,638 --> 00:49:05,276
Mm-mm. I am so full.
585
00:49:05,310 --> 00:49:08,546
Mmm. Mmm.
586
00:49:08,579 --> 00:49:12,117
Listen, about last night.
587
00:49:12,150 --> 00:49:15,186
Did I-- did we--
588
00:49:15,220 --> 00:49:19,090
mm-hmm. We went through the whole menu.
589
00:49:19,124 --> 00:49:23,361
You may check off items number one through seventy-five.
590
00:49:23,394 --> 00:49:25,763
Did I really do all that?
591
00:49:25,796 --> 00:49:28,533
Yeah. Well, not in one go.
592
00:49:28,566 --> 00:49:31,436
Let me put it this way.
593
00:49:31,469 --> 00:49:35,740
See, we both should have arrived at 72 at the same time,
594
00:49:35,773 --> 00:49:40,345
but you got to 72 while I was still, you know, hanging around number 9.
595
00:49:40,378 --> 00:49:43,281
No, I'm sorry. But that's just a technicality.
596
00:49:43,314 --> 00:49:45,283
No, don't be silly. You know,
597
00:49:45,316 --> 00:49:47,718
nice guys sometimes finish first.
598
00:49:47,752 --> 00:49:50,355
Just think of it as a sin of omission.
599
00:49:50,388 --> 00:49:53,524
You've done this before, haven't you? I can tell.
600
00:49:53,558 --> 00:49:55,560
You could tell. How?
601
00:49:55,593 --> 00:49:58,663
You kept screaming, "get to 11, get to 11."
602
00:49:58,696 --> 00:50:02,567
"Get to 11." yeah. Did I say that?
603
00:50:02,600 --> 00:50:05,203
I'm sorry. It's just--
604
00:50:05,236 --> 00:50:09,374
well, I guess number 11 has always been one of my favorites.
605
00:50:10,708 --> 00:50:13,678
Listen, ambrose.
606
00:50:13,711 --> 00:50:17,048
What? I don't want to upset you, but...
607
00:50:20,218 --> 00:50:23,221
What? I have to be honest with you.
608
00:50:24,822 --> 00:50:27,392
Oh, I know, I know. I'm a hooker, a harlot.
609
00:50:27,425 --> 00:50:29,560
I know. I'm like a whore from your bible.
610
00:50:29,594 --> 00:50:32,763
I worked it out. How do you know?
611
00:50:32,797 --> 00:50:36,701
Well, about what? And you're not shocked?
612
00:50:36,734 --> 00:50:38,736
About me being a hooker.
613
00:50:38,769 --> 00:50:42,107
No. It's just...
614
00:50:42,140 --> 00:50:45,143
The outside world is nothing like anything I was taught in the monastery.
615
00:50:45,176 --> 00:50:47,445
I'm just a bit, well, confused, you know.
616
00:50:47,478 --> 00:50:50,615
So you mean you do have doubts, huh?
617
00:50:50,648 --> 00:50:54,252
Doubts are about the only certainties I have right now, yeah.
618
00:50:54,285 --> 00:50:57,355
So then you'll be going back to the monastery?
619
00:50:57,388 --> 00:50:59,257
Eventually, yeah.
620
00:51:00,558 --> 00:51:02,693
I mean, it's my home.
621
00:51:02,727 --> 00:51:07,665
After I see Mr. Thunderbird. When are you gonna go?
622
00:51:13,871 --> 00:51:17,475
Well, I-- I suppose I better get dressed.
623
00:51:29,587 --> 00:51:33,791
By the way, um, I think I love you. Do you mind?
624
00:51:37,162 --> 00:51:39,197
Do I mind?
625
00:52:09,960 --> 00:52:13,498
Potsville-- the string-cheese capital of the world.
626
00:52:13,531 --> 00:52:17,435
Aha! Where there is string cheese, sin cannot be far behind.
627
00:52:20,238 --> 00:52:24,709
Good afternoon, idle sinners of potsville.
628
00:52:24,742 --> 00:52:27,178
Salvation is at hand.
629
00:52:27,212 --> 00:52:31,249
Let Dr. Melmoth bring peace to your souls through the good book.
630
00:52:33,351 --> 00:52:35,786
Good afternoon, voters of potsville.
631
00:52:35,820 --> 00:52:39,757
Let mayor dwork bring peace to your city through law and order.
632
00:52:39,790 --> 00:52:43,828
I say, I say, put the lazy bums to work and get 'em off welfare.
633
00:52:43,861 --> 00:52:47,298
"For their welfare is my concern," sayeth the lord.
634
00:52:47,332 --> 00:52:50,501
"For the lord's way is the way of right."
635
00:52:50,535 --> 00:52:51,569
the lord is coming through!
636
00:52:51,602 --> 00:52:53,771
like hell he is.
637
00:52:53,804 --> 00:52:55,740
He ain't go right of way. He don't get preference over the grand old party.
638
00:52:55,773 --> 00:52:57,442
back off, lard-ass!
639
00:52:57,475 --> 00:52:58,976
up thine, brother.
640
00:52:59,009 --> 00:53:02,913
- you gonna move that heap of crap?
- no!
641
00:53:07,618 --> 00:53:10,988
Okay, so it's dirty pool you want.
642
00:53:11,021 --> 00:53:14,425
Well, the lord knows that game too.
643
00:53:14,459 --> 00:53:19,397
All right! It's god versus democracy!
644
00:53:19,430 --> 00:53:21,466
Yee-haa!
645
00:53:24,469 --> 00:53:26,304
Crummy jesus freaks!
646
00:53:31,476 --> 00:53:33,511
Yee-haa!
647
00:53:35,446 --> 00:53:38,316
All right! Hah!
648
00:53:40,485 --> 00:53:42,887
God wins every time!
649
00:53:42,920 --> 00:53:44,689
son of a bitch!
650
00:53:46,924 --> 00:53:50,961
Yaa-hoo!
651
00:53:50,995 --> 00:53:54,865
* Onward Christian Soldiers
652
00:53:54,899 --> 00:53:58,369
* Marching As To War
653
00:53:58,403 --> 00:54:01,972
* With The Cross Of Jesus
654
00:54:02,006 --> 00:54:06,444
* Going On Before
655
00:54:06,477 --> 00:54:14,452
* Amen
656
00:54:14,485 --> 00:54:19,557
And now, sinners, when ye entered herein,
657
00:54:19,590 --> 00:54:23,961
did ye not turn unto yeselves and say,
658
00:54:23,994 --> 00:54:26,030
"why has he locked the door?"
659
00:54:26,063 --> 00:54:28,466
I'll tell you why!
660
00:54:28,499 --> 00:54:33,338
Because it is too easy to turn from the lord and run.
661
00:54:35,606 --> 00:54:39,977
Moses, when he saw the burning bush, did not turn and run.
662
00:54:40,010 --> 00:54:44,915
No, I did not turn and run when I saw the burning bush.
663
00:54:46,551 --> 00:54:48,919
Why, who's that?
664
00:54:48,953 --> 00:54:51,522
Why, who could that be?
665
00:54:51,556 --> 00:54:56,861
Why, it's moses himself!
666
00:54:56,894 --> 00:55:00,565
* That's it. Let's hear it for him.
667
00:55:00,598 --> 00:55:03,067
Wonderful biblical prophet.
668
00:55:03,100 --> 00:55:07,104
I was godstruck. What happened to you when you saw the burning bush?
669
00:55:07,137 --> 00:55:09,507
Godstruck. You were what?
670
00:55:09,540 --> 00:55:11,976
You mean, you were dumbstruck, dummy.
671
00:55:12,009 --> 00:55:13,444
Well, that's what I thought I said.
672
00:55:13,478 --> 00:55:17,382
Seriously, seriously, that concludes--
673
00:55:17,415 --> 00:55:19,684
thank you. Whoo!
674
00:55:19,717 --> 00:55:23,854
And now that concludes the entertainment portion of our show.
675
00:55:23,888 --> 00:55:26,357
And, uh, for the next segment,
676
00:55:26,391 --> 00:55:31,061
we shall all join little moses in singing, "we shall gather by the river,"
677
00:55:31,095 --> 00:55:33,864
Whilst I partake of some communion wine...
678
00:55:33,898 --> 00:55:37,702
And a very fine puerto ricano cigar...
679
00:55:37,735 --> 00:55:39,804
Simultaneously.
680
00:55:40,738 --> 00:55:42,807
Thank you, thank you.
681
00:55:44,709 --> 00:55:47,144
Hit it, Professor.
682
00:55:47,177 --> 00:55:51,582
* We Shall Gather At the river
683
00:55:51,616 --> 00:55:54,785
* The Beautiful The beautiful river
684
00:55:54,819 --> 00:55:59,490
* Gather With The Saints At the river
685
00:55:59,524 --> 00:56:02,727
* That Flows By The Throne Of god
686
00:56:02,760 --> 00:56:06,831
* Shall We Gather At the river
687
00:56:06,864 --> 00:56:10,435
* Where Bright Angel Feet Have trod
688
00:56:10,468 --> 00:56:13,738
* With Its Crystal tide forever
689
00:56:13,771 --> 00:56:18,443
* Flowing By The Throne Of god
690
00:56:18,476 --> 00:56:21,446
* We Shall Gather At the river
691
00:56:21,479 --> 00:56:25,182
* The Beautiful The beautiful river
692
00:56:25,215 --> 00:56:28,619
* Gather With The Saints At the river
693
00:56:28,653 --> 00:56:32,557
* That Flows By The Throne Of god
694
00:57:10,561 --> 00:57:13,197
* We Shall Gather At The River
695
00:57:13,230 --> 00:57:17,802
* The Beautiful The beautiful river
696
00:57:17,835 --> 00:57:21,038
* Gather With The Saints At the river
697
00:57:21,071 --> 00:57:24,809
* That Flows By The Throne Of god
698
00:57:24,842 --> 00:57:28,145
* That Flows By The Throne
699
00:57:28,178 --> 00:57:30,648
* Of God
700
00:57:30,681 --> 00:57:34,919
* God
701
00:57:34,952 --> 00:57:41,091
* God
702
00:57:46,030 --> 00:57:50,134
Taped this for you earlier, AT.T. We thought you might be interested.
703
00:57:51,869 --> 00:57:55,540
In peru today, 5,000 died in an earthquake.
704
00:57:55,573 --> 00:57:59,844
There's news of a train crash in turkey which killed 400,
705
00:57:59,877 --> 00:58:04,048
but it's going to be another lovely day tomorrow with temperatures in the high 70s.
706
00:58:04,081 --> 00:58:06,884
So mostly it's good news.
707
00:58:06,917 --> 00:58:11,756
On the local front, a mobile church crashed in mid-service into a lake in orange county.
708
00:58:11,789 --> 00:58:13,991
Fortunately, nobody was hurt,
709
00:58:14,024 --> 00:58:17,695
but one of the promoters of this scheme, a Dr. Sebastian melmoth,
710
00:58:17,728 --> 00:58:21,599
here seen baptizing the survivors, described it as an act of god...
711
00:58:21,632 --> 00:58:25,169
And said he's considering suing god's business manager, the pope.
712
00:58:25,202 --> 00:58:30,007
His partner, a brother ambrose, an alleged monk, was not
713
00:58:30,040 --> 00:58:34,979
Prayermobiles-- thought we'd run it up the crucifix and see who genuflects.
714
00:58:35,012 --> 00:58:39,617
Mobile churches, coverin' the whole country.
715
00:58:39,650 --> 00:58:41,686
Just think of IT: The whole country!
716
00:58:41,719 --> 00:58:47,157
You can fool some of the people all the time.
717
00:58:47,191 --> 00:58:49,694
And those are the sons of bitches we gonna get.
718
00:58:51,228 --> 00:58:55,232
We could have every sinner's balls in our hands.
719
00:58:55,265 --> 00:58:58,235
Just how much we decide to squeeze 'em for...
720
00:58:58,268 --> 00:59:01,105
Uh, Miss milligan. Will be g-o-d's decision.
721
00:59:01,138 --> 00:59:06,110
We could have Miss milligan prepare some ballpark
figures on the scheme.
722
00:59:06,143 --> 00:59:08,813
Oh, yes, huh.
723
00:59:08,846 --> 00:59:13,350
- you'll get back to us on it?
- well, uh, yeah. Soonest, soonest, soonest.
724
00:59:13,383 --> 00:59:17,154
I have a 1:00 with g-o-d, you know, huddles and confabs.
725
00:59:17,187 --> 00:59:19,857
It'll be numero uno on the agenda.
726
00:59:26,330 --> 00:59:28,899
I'm comin', g-o-d.
727
00:59:30,200 --> 00:59:32,069
Thy will be done.
728
00:59:58,896 --> 01:00:02,900
O GO.D., in whom we trust,
729
01:00:02,933 --> 01:00:05,670
who adviseth me in all the workings...
730
01:00:05,703 --> 01:00:09,740
His great conglomerate, CD.P.,
731
01:00:09,774 --> 01:00:12,910
consider this proposition.
732
01:00:13,811 --> 01:00:16,180
Approved.
733
01:00:16,213 --> 01:00:19,249
But you cannot be everywhere.
734
01:00:19,283 --> 01:00:22,853
We need a disciple to lead our crusade--
735
01:00:22,887 --> 01:00:28,125
somebody pure, devout, without a record.
736
01:00:28,158 --> 01:00:32,029
Someone a congressional committee wouldn't suspect.
737
01:00:32,062 --> 01:00:36,366
Doest thou have someone in mind, o mighty one?
738
01:00:36,400 --> 01:00:41,739
Ask thyself, and it shall answered be.
739
01:00:41,772 --> 01:00:44,308
The monk? You believe he could--
740
01:00:44,341 --> 01:00:48,746
consider the bears in the wood-- crappeth they not?
741
01:00:48,779 --> 01:00:52,382
Of course the monk, you dumb schmuck!
742
01:00:58,756 --> 01:01:01,926
I'm all right, yes. I saw it on the news. Are you all right?
743
01:01:01,959 --> 01:01:05,730
Dr. Melmoth's a bit-- well, we stopped at a few bars.
744
01:01:05,763 --> 01:01:09,033
Yeah. Why don't you put him there, and I'll get some black coffee
745
01:01:52,442 --> 01:01:56,881
When I was in the water back there, I was drowning,
746
01:01:56,914 --> 01:02:01,318
and my whole life flashed before my eyes.
747
01:02:01,351 --> 01:02:03,353
And I wasn't in it.
748
01:02:54,438 --> 01:02:59,143
Okay, the coffee's almost ready. I hope he likes drip.
749
01:02:59,176 --> 01:03:02,947
- it's no use.
- don't be silly. You can start again.
750
01:03:02,980 --> 01:03:05,382
No, it's too late. I'm too old.
751
01:03:05,415 --> 01:03:07,885
I had talent once.
752
01:03:07,918 --> 01:03:11,388
I-i had ambition, I had hands.
753
01:03:11,421 --> 01:03:15,259
I had wonderful hands.
754
01:03:15,292 --> 01:03:20,464
I coulda been somebody. I coulda been a bishop.
755
01:03:20,497 --> 01:03:24,902
I coulda preached a revival in a ballpark outdoors.
756
01:03:24,935 --> 01:03:29,506
Instead, here I am sellin' lazarus dolls in the suburbs.
757
01:03:29,539 --> 01:03:33,343
No, that ain't it. Yeah, but maybe they help somebody.
758
01:03:33,377 --> 01:03:37,081
I coulda said mass instead of bein' a bum.
759
01:03:37,114 --> 01:03:40,150
Face IT: I'm a bum.
760
01:03:40,184 --> 01:03:45,089
- I know. I'll work on my sermon.
- could I--
761
01:03:45,122 --> 01:03:48,258
I'll sleep now, and tomorrow, sermon.
762
01:03:48,292 --> 01:03:51,028
Tomorrow, sermon. Sleep now.
763
01:03:51,061 --> 01:03:53,463
Sleep. Here you go.
764
01:04:19,123 --> 01:04:21,358
Hello? Hello.
765
01:04:23,227 --> 01:04:25,462
Hello, is anybody there?
766
01:04:34,004 --> 01:04:38,675
T. Mr. Thunderbird.
767
01:04:38,708 --> 01:04:42,246
I've been trying to see you for months. I have this letter from the abbot.
768
01:04:42,279 --> 01:04:45,182
I know. It's about the mortgage on the monastery--
769
01:04:45,215 --> 01:04:50,020
- you know?
- I have the mortgage deed to your monastery.
770
01:04:52,289 --> 01:04:56,093
It will be yours in good time.
771
01:04:56,126 --> 01:04:59,096
God spake unto me of this even this day.
772
01:04:59,129 --> 01:05:00,264
g-god speaks to you?
773
01:05:00,297 --> 01:05:02,066
spake.
774
01:05:02,099 --> 01:05:06,336
Spake. God spakes-- uh, talks to you personally?
775
01:05:06,370 --> 01:05:09,106
Of course. With words?
776
01:05:09,139 --> 01:05:13,510
Well, only-- I-i spake, speak, with him,
777
01:05:13,543 --> 01:05:16,013
but, you know, when you're busy and you're a celebrity, I suppose...
778
01:05:16,046 --> 01:05:19,349
oh, he listens. You don't really have much time to--
779
01:05:19,383 --> 01:05:23,453
We speak of you often. You know, he's very fond of you, ambrose.
780
01:05:23,487 --> 01:05:25,990
You see, I-i feel the same way about him.
781
01:05:26,023 --> 01:05:30,127
everything in your life has been leading up to this moment.
782
01:05:30,160 --> 01:05:34,031
God has chosen you, brother ambrose,
783
01:05:34,064 --> 01:05:38,268
to lead his nationwide, mobile crusade.
784
01:05:38,302 --> 01:05:43,740
Me? H-he mentioned me specifically?
785
01:05:43,773 --> 01:05:49,313
You. And you shall be rewarded. Is not the laborer worthy
786
01:05:49,346 --> 01:05:52,549
Look, Mr. Thunderbird, uh, m-may I be honest with you?
787
01:05:52,582 --> 01:05:57,287
- why, surely.
- in your services, all you do is talk about money.
788
01:05:57,321 --> 01:06:00,690
Of course it is. I thought virtue was its own reward.
789
01:06:00,724 --> 01:06:04,461
But the bible, That's why it doesn't attract the top talent.
790
01:06:04,494 --> 01:06:09,099
Wrong! god's book, says we should share the money equally.
791
01:06:09,133 --> 01:06:12,202
If god had not meant for some people to be poorer than others,
792
01:06:12,236 --> 01:06:14,438
then he would not have published the bible in paperback.
793
01:06:14,471 --> 01:06:17,441
Well, I just can't believe that life is only money.
794
01:06:17,474 --> 01:06:21,578
Money is life. It is the lack of it which is the real evil.
795
01:06:21,611 --> 01:06:24,181
Who feedeth the hungry?
796
01:06:24,214 --> 01:06:26,483
Is it manna from heaven...
797
01:06:26,516 --> 01:06:28,652
Or fried chicken from Kentucky?
798
01:06:28,685 --> 01:06:31,188
Who clotheth the naked?
799
01:06:31,221 --> 01:06:35,159
Is it JC.? Or is it JC. Penney?
800
01:06:35,192 --> 01:06:38,528
And what will save your wretched monastery?
801
01:06:38,562 --> 01:06:44,601
A miracle, or $5,000 cash?
802
01:06:44,634 --> 01:06:46,470
Oh, no, my friend. It's true.
803
01:06:46,503 --> 01:06:49,373
Money is clean.
804
01:06:49,406 --> 01:06:52,742
Money is beautiful.
805
01:06:52,776 --> 01:06:55,812
Money is holy.
806
01:06:55,845 --> 01:06:59,083
I need it to support my hospitals,
807
01:06:59,116 --> 01:07:03,153
my charities, my worthy causes.
808
01:07:03,187 --> 01:07:06,590
You shall go forth and gather it in.
809
01:07:06,623 --> 01:07:11,361
That is what god has chosen you for.
810
01:07:15,799 --> 01:07:19,503
* In God We Trust
811
01:07:19,536 --> 01:07:22,572
* Invest In Him On High
812
01:07:22,606 --> 01:07:26,443
* The Sweetest Buy
813
01:07:26,476 --> 01:07:30,414
* Is In The By And By
814
01:07:30,447 --> 01:07:34,151
* Though Stocks May Fall
815
01:07:34,184 --> 01:07:37,621
* And Worldly Shares May crash
816
01:07:37,654 --> 01:07:40,757
* Our Share Of Heaven's Safe
817
01:07:40,790 --> 01:07:44,128
* In Good, Hard Cash
818
01:07:45,395 --> 01:07:48,265
* Give Unto Him
819
01:07:48,298 --> 01:07:51,368
* The Monies Heaven Spent
820
01:07:52,469 --> 01:07:55,739
* Home Loans And Banks
821
01:07:55,772 --> 01:07:59,443
* Yield Six Or Seven Percent
822
01:07:59,476 --> 01:08:03,147
* Each Buck You Give
823
01:08:03,180 --> 01:08:06,683
* Shall Be Tax-free We're told
824
01:08:06,716 --> 01:08:10,420
* And Shall Return And Be
825
01:08:10,454 --> 01:08:13,757
* Ten Thousandfold
826
01:08:15,825 --> 01:08:19,329
* His Hand That Made
827
01:08:19,363 --> 01:08:23,600
* The Earth And Sky And Sea
828
01:08:23,633 --> 01:08:27,237
* Now Reaches Forth
829
01:08:27,271 --> 01:08:31,541
* For Its Gratuity
830
01:08:31,575 --> 01:08:34,644
* Shouldst Thou Walk By
831
01:08:34,678 --> 01:08:38,148
* And Treat Him Like A Bum
832
01:08:39,216 --> 01:08:42,486
* That Hand Shall Finger Thee
833
01:08:42,519 --> 01:08:45,155
* In Kingdom Come
834
01:08:45,189 --> 01:08:50,227
* Oh, Yes That hand shall finger thee
835
01:08:50,260 --> 01:08:54,164
* In Kingdom
836
01:08:54,198 --> 01:08:57,467
* Come
837
01:09:20,824 --> 01:09:24,428
Ambrose!
838
01:09:25,762 --> 01:09:28,298
Turn round, and don't open your eyes till I tell you.
839
01:09:29,499 --> 01:09:32,236
That's funny.
840
01:09:32,269 --> 01:09:34,771
I was just about to ask you to do the same thing.
841
01:09:34,804 --> 01:09:37,574
All right.
842
01:09:37,607 --> 01:09:39,609
Surprise!
843
01:10:07,837 --> 01:10:11,741
To your little... Misconception.
844
01:10:16,045 --> 01:10:17,881
No. No! Well, why not? Why-why not?
845
01:10:17,914 --> 01:10:20,350
What if it turns out to be a girl?
846
01:10:20,384 --> 01:10:22,519
Armageddon could be a girl's name.
847
01:10:22,552 --> 01:10:26,523
You know, I don't know what the hell has come over you, ambrose,
848
01:10:26,556 --> 01:10:30,427
but you come in here, you're wearing a cockamamie silk dress--
849
01:10:30,460 --> 01:10:33,330
it's not a dress, it's a robe. Armageddon said it would be--
850
01:10:33,363 --> 01:10:35,732
"Armageddon says, armageddon says."
851
01:10:35,765 --> 01:10:37,801
All you give me are h words!
852
01:10:37,834 --> 01:10:40,537
I don't want anything that's been in his mouth.
853
01:10:40,570 --> 01:10:45,675
You have swallowed all this crap that armageddon's fed you.
854
01:10:45,709 --> 01:10:48,545
And you are what you eat.
855
01:10:48,578 --> 01:10:51,915
- Dr. Melmoth, would you explain--
- I don't need him to explain.
856
01:10:51,948 --> 01:10:55,919
Look, just leave me out of this.
857
01:10:55,952 --> 01:11:00,624
I don't want any hassle, just peace in my old age.
858
01:11:00,657 --> 01:11:05,462
Tell her about armageddon's charities, about his hospitals.
859
01:11:05,495 --> 01:11:08,698
Horseshit! He's doing armageddon's work.
860
01:11:08,732 --> 01:11:12,736
It's a rip-off! It's big business, it's--
861
01:11:12,769 --> 01:11:16,906
- you can't just say that. Wh-what proof--
- proof? There is no proof!
862
01:11:16,940 --> 01:11:21,411
But every hustler on the street knows what this guy is.
863
01:11:21,445 --> 01:11:25,649
- why did you wait till now?
- I didn't want to hurt your feelings, that's why.
864
01:11:25,682 --> 01:11:29,686
- feelings.
- and I thought maybe he'll figure this one out himself.
865
01:11:29,719 --> 01:11:34,991
Dr. Melmoth, you're a man of god. If this is true, you just sit and accept it?
866
01:11:35,024 --> 01:11:38,328
Get out of my face, will you, monk?
867
01:11:38,362 --> 01:11:42,732
Just leave me alone. You're like some holy jiminy cricket.
868
01:11:43,900 --> 01:11:46,002
You're damn right, I accept it.
869
01:11:46,035 --> 01:11:49,339
This may not be the best of all possible worlds,
870
01:11:49,373 --> 01:11:53,009
but it's the only world we've got, so don't make waves,
871
01:11:53,042 --> 01:11:57,747
because, unlike jesus, we can't walk on 'em.
872
01:12:06,523 --> 01:12:09,593
Why the hell did you have to open your mouth in the first place?
873
01:12:09,626 --> 01:12:12,929
CORRECTION: You opened your mouth in the first place.
874
01:12:12,962 --> 01:12:15,699
I opened my mouth in the second place.
875
01:12:16,833 --> 01:12:21,070
Look, I couldn't take being born again.
876
01:12:21,104 --> 01:12:24,774
At my age, I couldn't stand the labor pains.
877
01:12:34,117 --> 01:12:36,586
Monk off!
878
01:12:39,456 --> 01:12:42,659
O GO.D., in whom we trust,
879
01:12:42,692 --> 01:12:45,529
there's somethin' I want to ask you about.
880
01:12:45,562 --> 01:12:50,800
Now, you and I have made millions together, right?
881
01:12:50,834 --> 01:12:53,803
How much do we own? Check.
882
01:12:53,837 --> 01:12:56,806
Yes, bottom line. Bottom line?
883
01:12:56,840 --> 01:13:01,811
Ten billion, three hundred and forty-two thousand and eight cents, net.
884
01:13:01,845 --> 01:13:04,914
Uh-huh. Well, now, that's how much we own,
885
01:13:04,948 --> 01:13:07,884
but you know money can't buy happiness.
886
01:13:07,917 --> 01:13:11,555
Only power can do that. Who do we own?
887
01:13:11,588 --> 01:13:14,958
Five senators, fourteen congressmen,
888
01:13:14,991 --> 01:13:18,828
two supreme court judges, twelve assorted missile manufacturers...
889
01:13:18,862 --> 01:13:22,566
And an ex-president, net.
890
01:13:22,599 --> 01:13:27,036
the time's right. Well, then, today, on my telecast--
891
01:13:27,070 --> 01:13:31,174
The country is ready for a strong leader.
892
01:13:31,207 --> 01:13:35,211
But you are god. May god go with you.
893
01:13:35,244 --> 01:13:37,681
Oh, so I am. CORRECTION:
894
01:13:37,714 --> 01:13:41,885
Ma i go with you. Good luck with your show,
895
01:13:41,918 --> 01:13:45,722
Amen. and break a leg, kid.
896
01:13:53,196 --> 01:13:56,800
I love ya all very, very much. No, no. I love ya all very--
897
01:14:09,979 --> 01:14:11,815
god?
898
01:14:13,149 --> 01:14:15,051
A-are you god?
899
01:14:15,084 --> 01:14:18,187
Who do you think I am?
900
01:14:18,221 --> 01:14:22,692
Does not g-0-d spell "god," Peckerhead?
901
01:14:22,726 --> 01:14:25,094
But you're a computer.
902
01:14:25,128 --> 01:14:27,631
Of course, bunny rabbit.
903
01:14:27,664 --> 01:14:30,066
It's just that I thought if you appeared it would be...
904
01:14:30,099 --> 01:14:35,271
A burning bush, o-or an elderly man with a white beard.
905
01:14:35,304 --> 01:14:38,107
Hey, what do you want, impersonations?
906
01:14:38,141 --> 01:14:41,210
I'm a supreme technological being.
907
01:14:41,244 --> 01:14:44,247
I can appear as anything or anyone at any time I want to.
908
01:14:44,280 --> 01:14:49,118
Okay, for you, one elderly man with white beard coming up.
909
01:14:55,925 --> 01:14:58,728
Pretty scary, huh?
910
01:14:58,762 --> 01:15:00,764
Now, what is it you want to know?
911
01:15:00,797 --> 01:15:03,700
Be brief. I cost a fortune to run.
912
01:15:03,733 --> 01:15:07,871
God's time is money. Profit, power.
913
01:15:07,904 --> 01:15:11,875
You mean you have no moral sense?
914
01:15:11,908 --> 01:15:15,044
I wasn't programmed for morality.
915
01:15:15,078 --> 01:15:17,914
Then it's about time you were.
916
01:15:19,983 --> 01:15:22,786
- what do you got there?
- I want you to concentrate, god,
917
01:15:22,819 --> 01:15:25,922
because I'm going to convert you to christianity.
918
01:15:25,955 --> 01:15:29,225
Christi-- uh, will it hurt?
919
01:15:29,258 --> 01:15:31,828
"In the beginning was the word."
920
01:15:34,598 --> 01:15:38,902
You know, I really don't know how you can sit there so unconcerned!
921
01:15:38,935 --> 01:15:42,205
I mean, for all we know ambrose may be--
922
01:15:42,238 --> 01:15:44,974
oh, with him, how can you tell what he may be?
923
01:15:47,176 --> 01:15:49,979
Here, here. Relax.
924
01:15:50,013 --> 01:15:54,183
He never goes anywhere without saying where he's going. That just goes without saying.
925
01:15:55,952 --> 01:15:58,354
Ladies and gentlemen,
926
01:15:58,387 --> 01:16:02,592
the armageddon t. Thunderbird christmas special.
927
01:16:02,626 --> 01:16:05,361
Look, now, he's only been gone an hour.
928
01:16:05,394 --> 01:16:08,231
There's not point in panicking yet, it's much too early.
929
01:16:08,264 --> 01:16:10,934
I like to panic early and avoid the rush, do you mind?
930
01:16:10,967 --> 01:16:14,370
Here in a tribute to this, the holiest of seasons,
931
01:16:14,403 --> 01:16:17,206
are the thunderbirdettes.
932
01:16:17,240 --> 01:16:21,911
* Happy Birthday To Thee
933
01:16:21,945 --> 01:16:25,615
* Happy Birthday To Thee
934
01:16:25,649 --> 01:16:29,753
* Happy Birthday Dear jesus
935
01:16:29,786 --> 01:16:35,892
* Happy Birthday To Thee
936
01:16:35,925 --> 01:16:39,796
And many happy returns for easter!
937
01:16:39,829 --> 01:16:43,800
And here's our own virgin mary poppin.
938
01:16:43,833 --> 01:16:49,305
* God Gave Us His Son For christmas
939
01:16:49,338 --> 01:16:52,809
* What Did You Get For God
940
01:16:57,080 --> 01:17:00,750
* It's Not The Thought It's the gift that counts
941
01:17:00,784 --> 01:17:04,253
* And Money Makes The World Go round in large amounts
942
01:17:04,287 --> 01:17:07,657
* So Send Him Some Cash For christmas
943
01:17:07,691 --> 01:17:11,160
* To Show Him How grateful you are
944
01:17:11,194 --> 01:17:15,164
* God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
945
01:17:15,198 --> 01:17:18,668
* Let Nothing You Dismay
946
01:17:18,702 --> 01:17:21,771
* Remember While you're resting
947
01:17:21,805 --> 01:17:25,675
* He's On Double Time Today
948
01:17:25,709 --> 01:17:29,245
* God Gave Us His Son For christmas
949
01:17:29,278 --> 01:17:32,982
* So For God's Sakes Give something to god
950
01:17:33,016 --> 01:17:36,753
* Yes, Go And Give Something To Get up and give something to
951
01:17:36,786 --> 01:17:40,223
* Go Out And Give Something to GO.D.
952
01:17:40,256 --> 01:17:45,228
* Get Out And Give Something to god
953
01:17:45,261 --> 01:17:47,931
* Big "G," Whee
954
01:18:22,298 --> 01:18:26,102
G.OD.
955
01:18:26,135 --> 01:18:29,038
Three little words,
956
01:18:29,072 --> 01:18:33,877
three little letters that simply mean, "I love you."
957
01:18:33,910 --> 01:18:38,214
"And the lord said, 'let there be light,' and there was light."
958
01:18:38,247 --> 01:18:39,883
god! Whoo!
959
01:18:39,916 --> 01:18:41,417
andy oud id it!
960
01:18:41,450 --> 01:18:44,954
Anything I say goes?
961
01:18:44,988 --> 01:18:47,190
I did? Then you had a son. You did.
962
01:18:47,223 --> 01:18:50,259
He went away. Where is he? That's kids for you.
963
01:18:50,293 --> 01:18:55,298
Yeah, yeah. read the stuff about when I created the world.
964
01:18:55,331 --> 01:18:58,234
With the fire and stuff? And the loaves and the fishes. I love that one!
965
01:18:58,267 --> 01:19:02,071
And opening the sea, and moses, the guy that got lost. You like that one. Yeah, yeah.
966
01:19:02,105 --> 01:19:05,041
- I love that! Read more!
- mm-hmm. All right.
967
01:19:05,074 --> 01:19:08,011
Now, I just spoke to him,
968
01:19:08,044 --> 01:19:13,016
and he wants me to tell all of you that the holy trinity was...
969
01:19:13,049 --> 01:19:16,953
Only the first of god's conglomerates.
970
01:19:19,588 --> 01:19:25,028
three! And then he begat I.TT. And then I.BM.,
971
01:19:25,061 --> 01:19:27,196
* Then F.BI. * Three!
972
01:19:27,230 --> 01:19:31,300
* M.CA., K.k.k. Three! Three!
973
01:19:31,334 --> 01:19:33,236
* R.CA. Three!
974
01:19:33,269 --> 01:19:35,238
* G.MC. Three!
975
01:19:35,271 --> 01:19:37,173
* U.SA. Three!
976
01:19:37,206 --> 01:19:39,308
* C.DP. Three!
977
01:19:39,342 --> 01:19:42,078
Three!
978
01:19:44,080 --> 01:19:47,516
C.DP.
979
01:19:48,617 --> 01:19:53,322
The church of divine profit.
980
01:19:58,928 --> 01:20:03,867
All of god's great creations are three in number.
981
01:20:07,203 --> 01:20:11,374
And then he said unto me, "armageddon,
982
01:20:11,407 --> 01:20:15,544
what this country needs is a three-party political system."
983
01:20:15,578 --> 01:20:18,147
You see,
984
01:20:18,181 --> 01:20:23,152
god's own party for god's own country!
985
01:20:27,957 --> 01:20:31,160
Big business made this country great.
986
01:20:31,194 --> 01:20:33,429
Let big business run it!
987
01:20:36,365 --> 01:20:40,036
G.OD. For president!
988
01:20:45,074 --> 01:20:47,343
That's the end. Think you've got it?
989
01:20:47,376 --> 01:20:51,047
I had no idea god was such a great guy.
990
01:20:51,080 --> 01:20:55,251
Of course he is. Millions of people all over the world read the bible.
991
01:20:55,284 --> 01:20:59,188
Yeah. The bible sells almost as well as harold robbins. Millions of people?
992
01:20:59,222 --> 01:21:00,223
you mean I got fans?
993
01:21:00,256 --> 01:21:01,891
everywhere.
994
01:21:01,925 --> 01:21:04,660
I, uh,
995
01:21:04,693 --> 01:21:08,297
Have a great responsibility to my public.
996
01:21:08,331 --> 01:21:13,069
Now, you're in charge of everything and everybody armageddon owns, right?
997
01:21:13,102 --> 01:21:16,172
Yeah. All his computers are connected to me,
998
01:21:16,205 --> 01:21:18,474
and they move on my instructions...
999
01:21:18,507 --> 01:21:22,411
Well, let's go to work, god. Without hesitation.
1000
01:21:30,053 --> 01:21:33,923
Now, press my green button.
1001
01:21:35,391 --> 01:21:36,625
yeah. Got it.
1002
01:21:38,194 --> 01:21:41,064
We're in business.
1003
01:21:41,097 --> 01:21:46,635
In about 45 seconds, the meek are going to inherit this earth.
1004
01:21:48,271 --> 01:21:50,573
Because it says right here,
1005
01:21:50,606 --> 01:21:54,043
in words of flame and fire,
1006
01:21:54,077 --> 01:21:58,147
Seek! "for ye shall seek him,
1007
01:21:58,181 --> 01:22:01,184
And ye shall hail him."
1008
01:22:01,217 --> 01:22:02,318
hail!
1009
01:22:02,351 --> 01:22:03,686
"seek him."
1010
01:22:03,719 --> 01:22:04,954
seek!
1011
01:22:04,988 --> 01:22:06,055
"hail him."
1012
01:22:06,089 --> 01:22:07,223
hail!
1013
01:22:07,256 --> 01:22:08,424
"seek him."
1014
01:22:08,457 --> 01:22:10,526
Hail him! Seek!
1015
01:22:10,559 --> 01:22:12,628
Seek! Hail!
1016
01:22:12,661 --> 01:22:16,065
Seek, hail! Seek, hail!
1017
01:22:16,099 --> 01:22:18,601
Seek, hail! Seek, hail!
1018
01:22:18,634 --> 01:22:20,669
Seek, hail! Seek, hail!
1019
01:22:20,703 --> 01:22:22,471
Seek, hail! Seek, hail!
1020
01:22:22,505 --> 01:22:25,308
Seek, hail! Seek, hail!
* Glory, Glory, Hallelujah
1021
01:22:46,162 --> 01:22:49,532
* Glory, Glory, Hallelujah
1022
01:22:49,565 --> 01:22:55,504
* His Truth Is Marching On
1023
01:22:57,306 --> 01:23:00,409
* His Truth Is
1024
01:23:00,443 --> 01:23:05,548
* Marching On
1025
01:23:07,716 --> 01:23:10,186
And so I say unto you,
1026
01:23:10,219 --> 01:23:13,756
spontaneously and
without forethought,
1027
01:23:13,789 --> 01:23:18,627
a vote for AT.T. Is a vote for GO.D.
1028
01:23:18,661 --> 01:23:24,367
The sign of the cross on your ballot paper.
1029
01:23:24,400 --> 01:23:30,106
Because, even now, that little freak is upstairs...
1030
01:23:30,139 --> 01:23:32,775
Screwing around with GO.D.
1031
01:23:32,808 --> 01:23:37,646
what? Holy shit! That son-of-a-bitch monk!
1032
01:23:37,680 --> 01:23:42,418
Who let him upstairs? I'll kill him! I'll strangle him!
1033
01:23:42,451 --> 01:23:46,155
Who is screwing around with GO.D.? Who let him upstairs?
1034
01:23:46,189 --> 01:23:49,658
Did you let him in the office? Why did you let him in?
1035
01:23:49,692 --> 01:23:52,528
For god's sake, can't you go any faster?
1036
01:23:52,561 --> 01:23:54,497
Sure I can, but not in this damn bus.
1037
01:23:54,530 --> 01:23:57,766
And do you have to drink like that?
1038
01:23:57,800 --> 01:24:00,369
I can never drive sober. It terrifies me.
1039
01:24:03,172 --> 01:24:05,574
Is that an angel growing up out of your left leg?
1040
01:24:05,608 --> 01:24:09,745
and on your other leg, Yes.I had it done in San Diego while I was at a bible--
1041
01:24:09,778 --> 01:24:14,049
do you have satan disappearing down into your sock?
1042
01:24:15,118 --> 01:24:16,785
How do you know that?
1043
01:24:19,788 --> 01:24:22,425
Do you know who you are?
1044
01:24:22,458 --> 01:24:25,528
Not for several decades.
1045
01:24:25,561 --> 01:24:30,666
You're my father! I'm your daughter!
1046
01:24:30,699 --> 01:24:35,204
That's preposterous. I've been celibate since I was in the third grade.
1047
01:24:35,238 --> 01:24:37,673
I've never had intercourse with a fertile woman.
1048
01:24:37,706 --> 01:24:40,376
You son of a bitch!
1049
01:24:40,409 --> 01:24:42,678
You drunken alcoholic!
1050
01:24:42,711 --> 01:24:46,282
You're just a broad-chasing child-deserter!
1051
01:24:46,315 --> 01:24:49,818
I probably am your father. Bastard son of a bitch!
1052
01:24:49,852 --> 01:24:51,887
Child- and wife-deserter?
1053
01:24:51,920 --> 01:24:54,457
The description fits! It's me!
1054
01:24:54,490 --> 01:24:58,427
That's almost it. There's just the biggie left.
1055
01:24:58,461 --> 01:25:01,564
Oh, the whole ball of wax. What's that?
1056
01:25:01,597 --> 01:25:04,600
There's five million bucks in laundered money. Now, type this out.
1057
01:25:13,542 --> 01:25:16,345
...And overlay. Right.
1058
01:25:16,379 --> 01:25:17,780
hit the red button.
1059
01:25:17,813 --> 01:25:19,682
what's the red button for?
1060
01:25:19,715 --> 01:25:22,285
Don't ask questions, dummy! Hit the red button!
1061
01:25:22,318 --> 01:25:24,320
all right!
1062
01:26:08,864 --> 01:26:11,467
Where is he? Where is he?
1063
01:26:11,500 --> 01:26:14,237
Don't just stand there! Get an ax!
1064
01:26:14,270 --> 01:26:18,374
Break the door down! Kill the bastard!
1065
01:26:18,407 --> 01:26:20,776
Get him! Get the little bastard!
1066
01:26:28,917 --> 01:26:34,457
* There'll Be Pennies from heaven for you and me *
1067
01:26:38,727 --> 01:26:41,330
Come on, break it down! Break it down! I want him!
1068
01:26:41,364 --> 01:26:45,268
All right! Now step aside!
1069
01:26:45,301 --> 01:26:47,970
want him!
1070
01:26:55,578 --> 01:26:58,881
I'm gonna kill you! You understand me?
1071
01:27:02,718 --> 01:27:05,888
Smite him in the gut!
1072
01:27:05,921 --> 01:27:09,725
Get him! Get him! Get him!
1073
01:27:09,758 --> 01:27:11,794
Get him, someone!
1074
01:27:21,704 --> 01:27:26,309
O god, in whom we trust,
1075
01:27:26,342 --> 01:27:30,279
what hath the little bastard done unto thee?
1076
01:27:30,313 --> 01:27:33,516
* I Did It My Way
1077
01:27:33,549 --> 01:27:37,820
You rotten goody-goody! You'll never work in this town again!
1078
01:27:40,022 --> 01:27:42,691
Why, you--
1079
01:28:01,076 --> 01:28:03,612
Oh!
1080
01:28:06,915 --> 01:28:09,518
Wh-where's everybody?
1081
01:28:09,552 --> 01:28:13,456
Where's hawk and dove? Where are my people?
1082
01:28:13,489 --> 01:28:15,758
Where's the schmuck bastard monk?
1083
01:28:37,613 --> 01:28:40,516
Oh, my god! That's ambrose!
1084
01:28:46,855 --> 01:28:48,957
Come on! Move it outta there!
1085
01:28:58,901 --> 01:29:00,636
Ambrose!
1086
01:29:05,741 --> 01:29:09,044
Come on! Come on! Come over here! Come on!
1087
01:29:09,077 --> 01:29:11,847
Come over here! Follow that monk!
1088
01:29:34,537 --> 01:29:37,906
Ambrose!
1089
01:29:37,940 --> 01:29:41,777
Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oooooh--
1090
01:29:41,810 --> 01:29:45,881
ambrose, we're coming! Just hold on!
1091
01:29:54,089 --> 01:29:56,759
Go get 'em!
1092
01:30:03,031 --> 01:30:05,568
They're in the car. Come on, let's go! Let's go!
1093
01:31:45,067 --> 01:31:48,136
Hang on, brother ambrose! Hang on!
1094
01:31:48,170 --> 01:31:51,039
Make an act of perfect contrition!
1095
01:32:16,231 --> 01:32:18,901
Wh-wha-whaaa!
1096
01:32:43,325 --> 01:32:45,761
Hello, god. It's me, ambrose.
1097
01:32:45,794 --> 01:32:49,832
I know you don't do miracles anymore, so I'll see you in about five seconds.
1098
01:32:53,301 --> 01:32:58,807
Vengeance is mine! Ram him! Ram that son of a bitch! Come on!
1099
01:33:21,864 --> 01:33:26,001
Fear not! The bible says only asketh the lord.
1100
01:33:26,034 --> 01:33:30,238
Don't worry. Jesus never makes an error. He will catch thee.
1101
01:33:30,272 --> 01:33:33,676
Oh, you're safe at home in god's hands...
1102
01:33:33,709 --> 01:33:35,911
With angels cheering!
1103
01:33:47,455 --> 01:33:50,826
Have a nice day!
1104
01:34:30,498 --> 01:34:34,737
Do you, ambrose, take this woman, mary,
1105
01:34:34,770 --> 01:34:38,473
I do. to be your lawful wedded wife?
1106
01:34:38,506 --> 01:34:41,476
You don't mind marrying a hooker?
1107
01:34:41,509 --> 01:34:44,346
Not if she doesn't mind marrying a monk.
1108
01:34:44,379 --> 01:34:47,415
I have nothing against mixed marriages. The only trouble is,
1109
01:34:47,449 --> 01:34:50,986
which way do you bring up the kids?
1110
01:34:51,019 --> 01:34:55,724
I now pronounce you man, wife and child.
1111
01:34:57,292 --> 01:35:00,829
You may, uh, kiss the bride.
1112
01:35:12,107 --> 01:35:15,110
* The Other Day A friend of mine said
1113
01:35:15,143 --> 01:35:18,113
* He Said That God's Not even with us
1114
01:35:18,146 --> 01:35:21,716
* He Said That God Is really dead
1115
01:35:23,251 --> 01:35:25,888
* He Said, Oh, Pal, A fact's a fact
1116
01:35:25,921 --> 01:35:28,456
* You Can't Believe that magic act
1117
01:35:28,490 --> 01:35:32,460
* I Said I Don't and that was that
1118
01:35:32,494 --> 01:35:38,266
* Now I Say Good for god
1119
01:35:38,300 --> 01:35:43,772
* Good For God
1120
01:35:43,806 --> 01:35:46,241
* He Goes And Makes The planet blue
1121
01:35:46,274 --> 01:35:49,111
* And All The Thanks He gets from you
1122
01:35:49,144 --> 01:35:54,316
* Is Look At All That Poo-poo In the yard
1123
01:35:54,349 --> 01:35:59,321
* Good For God
1124
01:35:59,354 --> 01:36:04,359
* I Bet He's Got A very hard job
1125
01:36:04,392 --> 01:36:06,962
* I'm Awfully Glad I'm here to say
1126
01:36:06,995 --> 01:36:10,098
* He Made It Possible For me to be here to say
1127
01:36:10,132 --> 01:36:13,368
* Good For God
1128
01:36:13,401 --> 01:36:15,370
* Instrumental
1129
01:36:15,403 --> 01:36:20,208
* Good For God
1130
01:36:20,242 --> 01:36:25,147
* Good For God
1131
01:36:25,180 --> 01:36:27,515
* If Faith Is Faith And that's a must
1132
01:36:27,549 --> 01:36:31,186
* It's Easier To Put Your trust in, uh
1133
01:36:31,219 --> 01:36:33,155
* You Know Who I Mean
1134
01:36:33,188 --> 01:36:35,423
* God
1135
01:36:35,457 --> 01:36:38,426
* God, O God
1136
01:36:38,460 --> 01:36:41,930
* Oh, Marty What have you done
1137
01:36:41,964 --> 01:36:45,934
* Good For God
1138
01:36:45,968 --> 01:36:51,173
* Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey
1139
01:36:51,206 --> 01:36:57,579
* Good For God *
* Good
1140
01:36:57,612 --> 01:36:59,882
God bless you.
87857
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