All language subtitles for Douglas.S01E04

MADELINE: What's he done now?

Told a sexist joke,
it's all over Twitter.

What was the joke?
I don't know.

You don't know?

Whatever it was,
it really wasn't that bad.

Promise?
Promise.

There's a bigger problem...
The Hay Festival.

ON PHONE: 'We've got one week.'

90 minute interview? You think
there's the slightest chance

they didn't find that wedding story
before I even saw it?

I need you to concentrate on jokes
about Twitter for Douglas.

No wonder they called it Twitter,
it's full of twits.

Who are you?

I hear talks are going on,
is that right?

Plans are in progress.

You do want this job, don't you?
I mean, you want it enough.

I want it far too much.
Wait, where you going?

I just heard you undo your belt,
and I'm leaving.

You don't wanna get stuck here
with Fossil Man.

HE CHUCKLES
Why don't you...

The Hay Festival, Douglas's
interview. It's gonna be a woman.

The Newsnight one.
Oh, fu...

SHEILA: You need to prep.
I know.

You need an interview rehearsal,
but you keep Madeline out of this.

Anyone but Madeline.
I'll do it.

No, can I just... I don't think...
You win. I'll do it.

Hi, Madeline.

Or should I call you Kirsty?
She's Scottish.

Yeah. Kirsty.

Understand I'm helping you, yeah?
No.

Yeah.

Oh, hello, Sheila, come to watch?
This is gonna be fun, yeah?

BENTLY: Any word?

They're not gonna change
the interviewer now.

No. No, probably not.
Definitely not.

Yeah, definitely not,
you're probably right.

I'm definitely right.
Yeah. Yeah.

There is not a single possibility,
listen to me, not one,

of them changing interviewer
at this stage.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly what I think.
Good.

We'll just have to wait and see.

Excuse me.

But do you think
they'll use the clip, the video?

Yeah.
You think they will?

Oh, I know they will.
All of it?

All of it.

MORGAN: Twitter? More like Twatter.
BENTLY: I'm sorry?

Twitter? More like Twatter.

That's the joke, yeah?
Joke?

Well, that's what I'm working on.

Are you gonna make it funny now?

Er, it's funny already.
Is it?

Well, she laughed.

No, I didn't.
You smiled. Trust me.

I think it was a polite smile.

You were aiming for polite,
weren't you?

It's hard to tell with young people,

faces are very different now
with all the new attitudes.

It was. It was polite.
Well, that's good then

I do a ton of stand-up,
and let me tell you something,

babes, a polite smile is every bit
as good as a laugh. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. It's what everyone says
on the circuit.

Soon as you come off stage.

Don't call me babes.

LAUGHING: Excuse me?
You called me babes.

Don't call me babes.
I'm not a baby. Right?

Of course you're not a baby.
I don't flirt with babies.

As in, I really don't do that.
That's totally out for me.

I'm like, "Babies"...
HE GAGS

no, like, deal-breaker.

So, if I can just remind you
of the brief here, we need a...

Thank you (!)
Sorry.

..we need a joke that Douglas
can claim he told at the wedding.

It needs to be a bit misogynist

or no-one will believe
it came from Douglas,

but not so misogynist
that Douglas'll get cancelled.

So nuanced misogyny. Misogyny
that women can really get behind.

Family friendly misogyny
from a happier time.

Misogyny you can take home to
your mum and hit her with it.

No. No, don't do that,
no, don't hit your mum.

Don't hit mums.

We good to go?
Any time.

SHEILA: How can you trust
that woman?

How can you trust Madeline?

Same way I trust everyone else.

Incompletely.

Right. Let's get started.
OK. We're good to go.

Melvin, I'm gonna need that chair.
MORGAN: Morgan.

Hm?
Morgan.

There's a stool over there
somewhere. Oh, yes.

Hey.

Yep, that's good.
I'll just keep it going.

Hey.

God, this is ridiculous, isn't it?
I mean, you interviewing me.

HE CHUCKLES
I mean... rehearsing me.

Helping me. Obviously.

THROUGH SPEAKER: 'But it's
all so ridiculous, isn't it?'

'How can there be all this fuss
about a stupid joke?'

'It wasn't a joke, though, was it?'

MUFFLED: 'It was a story.'

'And they all laughed.'

'All those men laughed.'

And the story you told them
was about me.

Toby...

OK, studio, here we go. Three...
BELL SOUNDS

..two... one... Cue Madeline.

Stop!
And I know exactly what you said.

OK. Douglas Bellowes.
National treasure.

Madeline... We're not...
35 years in the business.

35 years as the self-described
voice of sanity for the nation,

but we're going to start

with something recent,
which the voice of sanity...

Could we cut a moment, please?
..has been heard saying.

I'm sure you know,
there's been some discussion online

about a joke you made.
Toby, can we...

I'm sure you'd like a chance to
clear things up. Can we stop?

According to the original tweet,
which I know you've seen...

Just stop, please.
You told a joke that...

We've stopped, Madeline.
..was described as sexist.

Toby, can you come in here? So can I
just ask you, what was the joke?

Yeah, I'm here.
Douglas, to be clear,

are you declining
to answer the question?

Will you repeat what you said?
I asked you about the joke,

then I asked if you were declining
to answer me.

No, before that.
When you covered your mic.

I don't recall.

You just told me, a moment ago,
a few seconds ago,

that you thought the joke
at the wedding was about you.

You said that I told a story
about you, and all the men laughed.

You said that. You accused me.
No, I didn't.

For Christ's sake!

You were audible on the studio mics,
I heard you.

I knew I was audible, Sheila,
because I know how a studio works,

but I didn't say that.

Kirsty said it.

DOUGLAS GROANS
I was being her.

That's the whole point of this,
yeah?

Oh, for God's sake!

This is a simulation,
this is a rehearsal.

I'm Kirsty,
this is the Hay Festival,

and that's the condemned man,

and what Kirsty just did,
not me, Kirsty,

was to try and throw you off balance

a second before the interview
started.

Good, isn't she?
Kirsty wouldn't... For God's sake.

She's not gonna think the joke
was about her, is she?

Why not? You tell funny stories
about everyone.

Kirsty, Gavin, Toby, me.
Your wife.

It's your party piece,
funny stories about people you know.

Conceivably, she might think
the joke was about her,

or she might pretend to,
to throw you off.

That's not likely.
She's not like that.

We're not in the business
of what's likely,

we are in the business
of what's possible.

Or should we rehearse for
the best case scenario? Hm?

I have been up all night,
I literally have not slept,

trying to think of every way
she can come at you.

Because that's what you wanted me
to do.

Every dirty trick I know.
Every dirty trick I've read about.

I've got pages of this stuff!
Look at it.

Look at it, pages. And you fell
apart on the first line.

Are you starting to understand
how much trouble you're in now?

Douglas, you are not ready.

Either you find that out here,

surrounded by friends,
or you find out in fucking public.

So what do you want to do now?

Shall we all just go home
and pretend everything's OK?

Or maybe here's a better idea.

Why don't do we get back to work

and you let me save
your stupid arse?

What do you say?

Madeline, listen.
Not Madeline.

I'm not Madeline right now.

I'm an avenging angel of death
off Newsnight,

and you're Prince Andrew.

I'm sitting in this time.
I'm gonna watch from here.

Sure, go ahead.

Ah, not in Douglas's eye line,
please.

I will sit where I like.
No, yes, of course you will.

But not in Douglas's eye line,
please.

Or mine.

I'll stay as well.
Fine, great. Sit where you like.

So, where were we?

You were wondering
if the joke was about you.

Oh, it was about me.
We both know that.

You're saying the joke
was about Kirsty. About me.

Yes, and you're Kirsty.

Toby.

This time, no stopping for anything,
OK?

Keep it flowing.

Whatever happens,
just let it happen.

Every dirty trick.

TOBY: And cue Madeline.

Madeline?

Cue Kirsty.

STUDIO BELL RINGS

Douglas, I have been in contact
with Patrick Harland,

who overheard your joke
at the wedding.

I have a summary of it
in front of me.

Would you like me
to read it aloud,

or would you prefer to tell it
in your own words?

Douglas?

Are you serious?
Perfectly.

What would you prefer?
Your words or Patrick's?

No, hang... hang on,
is this real?

Yes. Your words or Patrick's?

Er... well, I don't...

As I've explained already, I... I...

I don't really remember
saying anything.

Look, sorry, I... I have to know,
is this real, or part of the thing?

Is what for real?

Well, have you actually
got it there?

The... the story
I told at the wedding?

Interesting. I agree.

You agree what?

You just described it as a story.
Not a joke, a story.

Having read Patrick's account,
I'd agree with you.

It's more...
It's more like an anecdote.

Something that really happened.
So that's good news, isn't it?

What... What is?
You do remember.

OK, maybe we should stop a moment.
Flowing.

So, you do remember.
No, I don't.

But you just specified
quite accurately

that it was a story, rather than...

It was a long day, I spoke to a lot
of people, no, I do not remember.

So, what are you telling us?

You remember what kind of thing
you said without

remembering what you actually said?
I know I wasn't offensive.

Though you were drinking.
I was not drunk.

Though there are gaps in your
memory. Maybe there were

lapses in your judgment.
I have no reason to think so.

You have Patrick Harland,
who publicly described your story

as sexist, and in his email to me,
as, er, let's see...

Ah, "highly misogynist".

Well, it's his word against mine,
then.

He wasn't drunk.
Neither was I.

He has the advantage of actually
remembering what happened.

Oh, for God's sake!

Are you angry?

I'm being called a misogynist.

Yes, and you're angry, lashing out,
red in the face.

Do you think it's wise to respond to
an accusation of misogyny like that?

Like what?

Like a man.

DOUGLAS CLEARS THROAT

Whatever it says there,

it will be, at best, a gross
distortion of anything I said.

Well, you wouldn't know, would you?

You don't remember anything.

Well, no, but I do know...
Whereas Mr Harland was sober.

So why is he the one
we should be doubting?

Why's he the one you're believing?

This is online gossip.
When did that become news?

No offence, Kirsty, but right now

you do seem to have mistaken
Twitter for research

and an internet troll for a source.

Have YOU been drinking?

MADELINE CLEARS THROAT

It was about a colleague of yours.

Sorry, what?

The story.

I'm just trying to jog your memory.

A close colleague
and how you first met her.

Does that...

Does that mean anything to you?

No.

There are details in the story that
are slightly hard to talk about,

but essentially, you first met
this woman in a hotel room.

Not her hotel room. Or yours.

In fact, the hotel room
of one of your senior colleagues.

The gist of the...

well, humour, but
I suppose we'd have to call it...

At any rate,
the element of the story

that caused all the men around you
to laugh

was your theory that this
was how she'd got her current job.

Given the laughter, one assumes
the implication was sexual.

Ring any bells?

No.

I don't mean as a story,
as an incident.

Did anything like this happen
which might have been, you know,

maliciously exaggerated
into this kind of story?

Something you might have
joked about?

For the entertainment
of your friends?

For all those laughing men?

Like I said, not ringing any bells.

TOBY: Cut.
Don't cut.

Cut.
Do not cut!

Madeline, look, I'm sorry,

but if you're gonna mention
specific people by name,

even in a rehearsal context, we
cannot run the risk of slandering...

No individuals will be named
in this rehearsal.

Good.

Thank you.
Well.

No individuals who aren't
in this room anyway.

One more time.

Please search your memory.

Do the details of the anecdote
I have summarised

from Patrick Harland's account

resemble any incident
you can recall,

however exaggerated or distorted?

No. How many times
do I have to tell you?

No.

Two years ago in the Radio Times.

18 months ago
on Desert Island Discs,

four months ago
in a Guardian profile piece

and just two months ago
in The Telegraph.

On all those occasions,
you alluded, in passing,

to your first meeting
with your current co-presenter,

in the hotel suite
of a senior colleague.

You never hinted at any impropriety,
not then, anyway, but

clearly this incident resembles the
one in Patrick Harland's account.

So, please, explain this.

You have remembered the details
of this meeting

perfectly clearly
for nearly three years.

You've talked about it as recently
as a couple of months ago,

so why did you say that you couldn't
remember it?

What's changed?

OK. Maybe you can answer this.

When you implied, at the wedding,

that maybe your co-presenter
owes her current position

to sleeping with a senior colleague,
were you joking?

Or is that what you really think?

And either way, what can we conclude
about your opinion

of your current co-presenter,
Madeline Crow?

Cut! Well, then.
Who needs a comfort break?

I... I think we've drifted
into an area probably best left...

Madeline, what's this about?
Me.

I just... Can we just talk a moment?
Back before you know it, Toby.

Fast at weeing, remember?
Madeline.

What's wrong? Having a problem
with your flow speed?

What's she doing?
What was any of that even about?

Is Madeline right? Is that what
you said at the wedding? No.

No?
No. No, it wasn't.

What do you mean, "No, it wasn't"?

You don't remember what you said
at the wedding,

so how can you know what it wasn't?

Because... I wouldn't...

Not remembering
is the best strategy.

For God's sake, stick with it.

This isn't a choice, I mean,
there isn't... I'm not lying.

It doesn't matter if you're lying.

It matters if you look
as though you're lying.

Can I just say, if you believe,

just because Madeline
was in my hotel room...

If you have told some kind of
disgusting lie, even as a joke...

Right, OK,
not what we're talking about.

No, I need to know, I have a right
to know if either of you believe

that any inappropriate...
Not what we're talking about...

Jesus.

Claudia? What's Claudia doing here?

Claudia?
Who is that guy?

What guy?
He says he's a comedy writer.

What do you need
a comedy writer for?

It's nothing, I just thought
we might need a little...

A little what?
Creativity.

Why? Claudia,
Dad's working on something,

and it's a bit complicated...

I know what he's working on.

He's doing a rehearsal interview
with Madeline.

How do you know that?

He says he's writing a joke.
Why do you need a joke?

Claudia, how do you know
about the rehearsal?

Madeline told me.

Madeline?
Yeah, Madeline.

Madeline invited me here.
Where is she?

Seriously?

My daughter?
Oh.

Has Claudia arrived?
You invited her.

I slipped into her DMs, yeah.
She's a smart girl.

She shouldn't be here.

She'll be at the Hay Festival,
won't she?

At the very least,
she'll watch the interview online.

You had no business
bringing her into this.

You're right, I didn't.
It's completely out of order.

In fact, you know what it is?

It's a dirty trick.

And that's the bloody point, yeah?

Every dirty trick, like I promised.

Sheila, listen to me.

That national disgrace you edit
you call a newspaper.

Think of everything you ever did
for a front page

that just ruined someone's life.

Every lie, every promise,
every shitty little thing,

because all of that,
every little bit of it,

is what's coming for your husband.

I love Douglas.

He's a clever man,
but he's not ready for this.

So for all our sakes,
I'm going to make him ready.

You love him?

He's my friend.

Are you fucking him?!

Are you fucking my husband?

No.

Are you?

You act like you're fucking him.

You don't.

That's not even a joke.
It's word play.

TOBY: It's not funny.
No, it is.

"Twitter... more like Twatter."
You see?

I find it offensive.
That's where you're wrong.

You're basically trashing
a media platform

by comparing it to female genitalia.
No! No, no, no.

It's demeaning to women.

That's where women are wrong.
JENN: I think it's demeaning.

Oh, and here's another of them,
because twat doesn't have to mean...

one of those.
One of those!

It only means lady parts
when you're being obscene.

Jesus, obscene?
When you're plumbing the depths.

The depths?
The question is, do we have a joke

at the exact level of misogyny
that people associate with Douglas?

I think we're in
the right ball sack. Excuse me?

Er, that's like saying ball park
but kind of humorous.

Do you have any jokes
away from the groin area?

Not those balls!

The kind of balls you play with...

..in a park.
DOUGLAS: Oh, Christ.

Morgan, I think it's time
you stepped out.

And twat doesn't have
to mean lady parts.

It can mean lady parts,
or it can mean someone so stupid

that you're comparing them
to lady parts.

How is that demeaning?
Almost completely, I'd say.

Morgan. Anyway, I didn't even
say twat. I said Twatter.

That's like me saying vaginer.
Yes, it is.

No, I said vagin-er.

We all heard what you said.
Could you please stop saying it?

No, listen, I said vagin-er.

Vagin-er.

Vagin-er!
Jesus, Toby.

You should know how it's pronounced,
you've probably got one. Probably?

What are you doing?

It's an inappropriate workplace
conversation,

and I'm documenting it.

Douglas, out of here! Out.
You too.

Dad, why was that guy in there?
The idiot?

He's not an idiot.
He's a comedy writer.

Why do you need help with the joke?

Is he making up a joke for you?
Why can't you just tell the truth?

Because I work in television.

Because this is
a television news studio,

and the truth needs a little help
now and then.

Because between you and me,

our audience wouldn't understand
the truth

even if we had the guts to tell it
or knew what it was

in the first place.

I've had a word
with that bitch who was videoing.

She's back in her lesbian box.
She'll be no trouble.

Her "what" box?

It's an expression.
It really isn't.

Let me know if you need your career
saving again. I'm here for you.

Why do you need a rehearsal anyway?
It's just an interview.

It's practise
in case anyone wants to ask Dad

about the joke at the wedding.

Have you told them
you can't remember it? Yes. Yes!

Well, how much practise do you need
saying that?

Maybe you should go home.

I'd rather watch.
I can watch, can't I?

Madeline invited me.
Fine by me.

TOBY:
This is not a suitable place for...

What I mean to say is,
your father has to concentrate.

Best not, Claudia.
I'm staying.

I can stay, right?
Sure. Just not in my eyeline, OK?

Or your father's.
No, it's fine.

You sit where I can see you.
No problem.

My daughter?

Every dirty trick.
OK.

OK.

No cuts. We go straight through,
whatever happens.

I agree.
I didn't ask.

So, can I just reiterate?

Naming actual names,
even in this context,

would be, I think, unwise.

As I said,
no-one's going to get named.

Good.
No-one outside this room.

So, are you ready?
I'm ready.

Douglas?

Ready.

Right

MAN: OK. Jenn, turn over.

BELL RINGS

TOBY COUGHS
Cue.

Cue Madeline.

Cue... Kirsty.

Douglas,
how could you so conveniently forget

the details of your first meeting
with Madeline Crow?

I didn't forget. I was lying.

Oh, you're happy to admit that.
Of course I admit it.

I elected not to lend credence
to a malicious piece of gossip

about Madeline Crow
sleeping with my producer,

and I'm surprised you expect me to.

But you told that exact story
at the wedding.

No, I didn't.
Patrick Harland says I did.

Or at any rate,
you say he said I did.

Maybe he's lying.
Maybe you're lying. I'm not.

Read it out.

Read what out?

The email. Patrick's.

Because, you see,

I'm starting to think
there's nothing actually in it.

Read it out, please.

The relevant passage is this...

"I can confirm that Douglas Bellowes
told a highly misogynist story

"at the wedding
about a colleague of his,

"but I don't feel comfortable
relating the details."

And there he goes, backing away,
caught out in a lie.

Well, thanks for the chance
to clear that up, Kirsty.

Can we talk
about my charity work now?

I don't actually
do any charity work,

but seeing as we're just
making shit up anyway...

CLAUDIA LAUGHS

Jenn, now, please.

DOUGLAS ON VIDEO: 'Come on, Mike.'

Everyone's a camera crew now.

There's a whole Facebook page
of video footage from that wedding.

You're in about two thirds of it,

seeing as you were
the only celebrity there.

Before you completely deny telling
that story,

shouldn't you check
if there's a video?

There isn't a video
because it never happened,

because drunk or sober,
I would never tell that story

because, Kirsty, it isn't true.

You don't remember, though.

And you don't have a recording,
or you'd have played it already.

Now, what about my charity work?

Can we move on to my campaign
to save the blue gibbon?

Is there such a thing as a blue
gibbon, or am I already too late?

CLAUDIA LAUGHS

There's bound to be more footage
than has been posted so far.

It could show up any time.

Well, let me know
if there's more of my dancing.

I'm sure Claudia would be happy...
Yeah.

..because that's
all you're gonna find.

You sound very confident.
That's because I am very confident.

Do you mind if I put
your confidence to the test,

because I have a tweet ready
to go here?

SHE CLEARS THROAT

"Please post any footage you have
of Douglas Bellowes

"and his sexist joke
at recent wedding."

Are you happy for me to post that?

Is that real?
No cutting. Keep it flowing.

Yeah, I think maybe we should stop.
Jenn, do not cut!

It's all about flow speed, Toby.
It's OK, Toby. It's fine.

This is just a rehearsal.
No, cut.

Cut now.
Are you actually gonna tweet that?

No, it's just a rehearsal.

Can I ask, is this how
you normally conduct interviews?

Asking questions?
Posting on Twitter.

Does that mean you're not happy
for me to post this?

Appealing to a Twitter mob
is not journalism.

You think of your audience as a mob?
No. I said Twitter, not my audience.

Who follows you on Twitter
except your audience?

Oh, for Christ's sake!

OK. I think maybe
we should stop for a while.

No!
She's winding you up.

Oh, she's trying to.
She's succeeding.

You're getting angry.

You need to stop and calm down.
No.

Do it.

Well, what are you waiting for?
Do it.

Press send.

CLEARS THROAT

It's, er...

It's a popular thread on Twitter.

We might get an answer quite fast.
Hm, will you, though?

Because, you see,
you've already done the research.

You've already asked
all those questions.

So what difference
is asking them again gonna make?

I suppose we'll have to see.

Well?

Well, what?
On you go.

You now.
Me?

Most people at that wedding
were your friends and family.

They might be reticent about
posting a video of you drunk.

You know that, of course,

that's probably why
you're so confident.

But if you give your blessing,
that will probably encourage them.

Unless you don't want to?

OK, I think
we should definitely stop now.

Do you want to stop, Douglas?

Do you have a reason to stop?
Mum, it's OK.

Claudia, you don't understand,
please...

Mum, don't interfere!
Dad and I had a conversation.

This is all fine. Isn't it, Dad?

What am I supposed to say?
Anything you want to say.

Douglas.
I'm fine. It's just a rehearsal.

How about this?

"Please post...
any video evidence...

"of my unprofessional conduct."

Enough?
"With my blessing."

"With my... blessing."

Hashtag "totalconfidence".
Fine.

Actually, that was a joke.
No, I don't mind.

You know what your trouble is?
You're forgetting something.

I've been at this over 30 years.
I know what I'm doing.

I know when my mic is live.
I know when there's a camera on me.

And you can take it from me,
Madeline,

total confidence,
cast-iron guarantee,

no-one was recording me
when I told that story.

What story? The specific one
you can't remember telling?

So... getting my head round this.

You didn't tell THAT story.

You don't remember
telling any story...

..but you remember
checking for cameras first?

I-I misspoke.
Oh, you misspoke.

Didn't you just.

Let's just summarise
what we've established.

You did tell a sexist story
about your colleague.

You remember doing so
perfectly well,

and you've been lying about it
to everyone,

including your own family
out of...

..out of shame
at your own conduct.

Cut.

We're done.

BELL RINGS
Can I just clarify something?

Nobody actually tweeted anything,
correct?

Christ,
is that what you're worrying about?

If we start stirring up
this situation,

it becomes very difficult
to put the genie back in the bottle.

It's a rehearsal.

My phone doesn't even get a signal
down here.

Ask Douglas.
I always have to borrow his.

Christ... you didn't.

You didn't. You didn't. You didn't.

Douglas!

Fuck!

MAN: Thanks, Jenn,
we won't be needing you now.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

What were you thinking?
It was a rehearsal!

Fuck. Fuck!

For fuck's sake, just delete it!
Why? What for? What does it matter?

He doesn't need to, Mum. It's OK.

Claudia, enough! Delete it.
For Christ's sake.

There is no footage. There can't be.

No footage of the joke
you didn't tell?

Of any joke!
Of any joke I might have told.

I always check if I'm on camera.

Claudia,
I don't remember what joke I told,

but whatever it was,
it was harmless,

and it was not on camera.
OK.

Do you believe me?

Yes. I do, yes.
It's already being retweeted.

Really, do you?
I believe you.

Bloody retweeted everywhere.
Claudia?

Dad. I believe you,
hashtag "totalconfidence".

You know what?
I'm retweeting it too.

No. Claudia, no, no, no. Stop!
He's not lying.

He doesn't lie to me.
Was this on purpose?

Did you know what you were doing?
I knew exactly what I was doing.

I was rehearsing.

It was your husband
who got confused.

OK, what we need to do,
we need to close this down.

Shut up. Just shut up.
Everybody, just shut up!

Let me explain
what's going to happen now,

in case anyone is stupid enough
not to understand.

The story changes
from "did Douglas tell a dodgy joke"

to "who has the footage?"

If no-one shows up, it becomes,
"Who heard the joke?"

The only question left is
which of your friends you spoke to

at the wedding will throw you
under the bus first?

If you told that story...

it's coming out, Douglas.

It's coming out.
Listen. Just listen to me.

Don't speak. Don't speak.
Don't say anything.

We're going home now.

Tell me what you said about me.

Tell me how you made them laugh.
He doesn't remember what he said.

And anyway,
it wouldn't have been that bad.

Claudia.
He doesn't lie to me!

Everybody lies...
including your dad.

Not to me. Why would he lie to me?

Because he's ashamed.

Why are you doing this?
What good does this do anyone?

Tell me what you said
at the wedding. Go on. Tell me.

Because you know what?

Despite what Toby thinks,
despite what your wife thinks,

it doesn't matter.

If you told a story
pissed at a wedding among friends,

no-one's going to tweet about that.

They haven't so far,
and they very probably won't.

Was that the only time you told
that story? I mean, I know you.

You and your stories,
you like to repeat them, yeah?

But, hey, if it was only
a couple of times among friends,

that's still fine.

No-one will say anything,
I'm pretty sure.

Of course,
if it was more than that...

I dunno, ten, 20 times...

then that could be a problem.

If it was part
of your regular repertoire.

If it was, like, 30 times.

When you were drinking

and you didn't always check
who was listening,

well, then there's a good chance

that story's going to turn up
on Twitter.

If that is the case, Douglas,

I'd really appreciate
hearing what you said, right now...

..from your own lips.

Douglas,
do you need to tell me anything?

He doesn't remember.

Claudia, we're going home.
He doesn't remember what he said.

Douglas,
do you need to tell me anything?

Oh, for God's sake, it's nothing.
It's no big deal.

OK.
It's just...

It's not even a story.

It's just a line.
What was the line?

Well, sometimes... OK,
it's just sometimes, people ask me

when did I first know you were
gonna be such a big star?

And what do you say?

I suppose, what I say, usually...

..I reply, "When I found you
in my boss's hotel room."

It's just a joke. Just a line.

I see. Thank you for clarifying.

What is being implied here,
whatever it is,

I would absolutely like to make...
Fuck off!

Seriously, just fucking shut up!

Claudia, you OK?

Look, this...
this is just one of those things...

I have a question.
Do I get to ask questions too?

By all means.
Oh.

You just made me self-destruct
on Twitter.

No.
No?

The thing about self-destruction,

it's not something you can blame
on someone else.

The clue's in the wording.
Why me?

Why am I the one being punished
for this?

He was the one who did it.
I did nothing.

You're the one who did it with him.
Nothing happened.

None of this has anything
to do with me.

Now, look, absolutely untrue
allegations are being made here.

Before this thing
gets out of control...

I'm not making any allegations.

I'll deny any allegations
anyone else makes.

He's just some drunk
telling stories,

getting cross about his co-star
being more popular.

You're fine. Don't worry about it.

You're protecting him?
I'm protecting myself.

I don't want that story out.
Why would I want that?

You do understand, somewhere inside
that twisted little head of yours,

that none of this was my fault.

Whatever he did to you, HE did it!
Not me. Him.

I'm not him.
I'm not remotely like him.

Oh, sure. I know that.
Of course I do.

He's an arsehole. He's a monster.

Madeline, there's no call
for any kind of...

Oi, Toby! Newspaper, remember?

Anything you say will be taken down
and may be used in evidence

to destroy your entire
fucking existence, so shut it.

Of course you're not like Toby,
but that's nothing special.

You don't get an award
for not being shitty.

The world is full of men
not like Toby. I truly believe that.

There are whole armies out there
of men not like Toby.

But here's the thing.
Here's the question.

If there are so many of you...

..where are you?

Where the hell are you all the time?

In your case,
turning around and walking away

and thinking of jokes
you can tell your mates.

If you were raped, phone the police.

If you slept with someone
to get a job,

and now you're feeling bad about it,
phone your mum or your best friend

or someone who can give a shit
long enough to listen.

But first, explain to me
why this was my fault.

Who said I slept with him?
Oh, stop it. I know you did.

How, because I got the job?
You were in his room.

And, so? What did that tell you?
You walked away. You left us alone.

How do you know what happened next?
I knew what was gonna happen.

I saw it in your face.
Saw what in my face?

Anyone would have known it.
How?

You looked terrified.

Yeah. Terrified.

I was.

I was terrified.

And you saw that I was terrified,

and you just turned your back
and you walked away.

I knew.

The moment I heard you were
telling stories at a wedding,

I just...
I knew it was a story about me.

You were making them all laugh...

..at me.

Him I can take.

I hate him,
but he's hardly worth the effort.

But you...

You...

You were supposed to be my friend.

I know. I do.
But trust me, you'll be fine.

No. Friend is wrong.

Let's be precise.

You know how there's always someone
in your life you want to impress?

Someone who lives in your head...

..and you just want
to be more like them.

Everyone does that. Everyone's got
someone they want to live up to.

You were mine.

Since I was seven years old...

..you were mine.

I'm so...
No, don't.

Don't.

Why did you come back?
No reason. I'll leave you to it.

See you soon, I hope.

I mean, good luck with it all.

Really, best of luck. It's worth it.

Whatever shit you have to wade
through, it really is worth it.

Madeline, what the fuck?
What the fuck are you doing? Jesus.

What the hell are you doing?
To be clear...

Fuck! God!
..I'd love the job...

They're fucking ruined!

..but I'd never sleep
with anyone I work with.

Also, I'm out of your league,
so stop being ridiculous.

And to clarify...
No. No. No. No. Put that away.

I don't believe in women's rights

because I don't believe
there's such a thing.

I believe there are human rights.

Denying someone's human rights
isn't a reason to join a movement,

or go on a march,
write a book, carry a placard

or blog about the sisterhood.

It's an act of war.

It's a reason to retaliate.

So, in every possible sense...

..don't fuck with me.

There you go, Toby, robust.

INTERVIEWER:
We are here at the Hay Festival

talking to Madeline Crow,

who's just taken over
as lead presenter on Live At Six

from her former colleague
Douglas Bellowes

whom, I'm sure most of us know
by now,

resigned when a mobile phone video
went viral on social media.

I don't suppose you'd care
to comment on any of that.

No, I really wouldn't.

Ah, but it must have been
very difficult for you

to hear those words coming out
of the mouth of a colleague

who you worked with for years.

People say things. It happens.

Yes, but there have been rumours
for a very long time now

about Douglas Bellowes'
problematic attitudes.

Your appointment is seen
as a victory for women everywhere.

I thought it was a victory for me.
Well, it is.

Thank you.
And for all women.

Now let's see that video
that ended Douglas Bellowes' career.

Some of you may find this offensive.

'What are you doing?

'This is an inappropriate
conversation for the workplace,

'and I'm documenting it.

BEALE: 'Douglas, out of here! Out.

'Yeah, you too.

'OK, love,
you can switch that off right now.

'That's my client out there,
and trust me,

'no-one gets a sneaky video
of him while I'm around.

CLAUDIA: 'Why do you need help
with the joke?

'Is he making up a joke for you?
Why can't you just tell the truth?

'Because I work in television.

'Because this
is a television news studio,

'and the truth needs a little help
now and then.

'Because between you and me,

'our audience wouldn't understand
the truth

'even if we had the guts to tell it

'or knew what it was
in the first place.

'I've had a word
with that bitch who was videoing.

'She's back in her lesbian box.
She'll be no trouble.

'Her what box?
It's an expression.

'It really isn't.

'Let me know if you need your career
saving again. I'm here for you.'

You OK?
No.

Yeah. I'm fine.

Erm, do you mind
if I do some work? No.

Idea for sex comedy
set in TV newsroom.

Possible title...

..Doug...

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