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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,920
Such a success Live At Six
has been. You must be thrilled.
2
00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:04,920
We're absolutely over the moon.
Absolutely.
3
00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:06,640
It's been fantastic.
Incredible.
4
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:09,480
There's, er, been a tweet.
What tweet?
5
00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:11,200
What's he done now?
DRIVER: Told a joke.
6
00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:13,120
A sexist joke.
It's all over Twitter.
7
00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:15,240
Douglas, seriously,
what was the joke?
8
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:16,520
It was a wedding three days ago.
9
00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:18,120
I was drinking.
Why would I remember?
10
00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:20,120
It was probably just one
of your usual ones, yeah?
11
00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:22,160
My usual ones?
Your usual misogynist ones.
12
00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:23,920
It's got worse, though.
How?
13
00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:25,200
Madeline.
14
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:28,240
She retweeted the tweet
to two million people,
15
00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:29,800
some of whom are press!
16
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,600
Why would she do that? I mean, why?
17
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:34,440
TOBY: "Don't believe this.
Not my co-presenter."
18
00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:36,200
Technically, she was defending you.
19
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,520
SHEILA: 'Or she's saying
she no longer wants you
20
00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:39,720
'as her co-presenter.'
21
00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:43,000
Madeline's not like that.
Is she? Is she like that?
22
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:44,320
Babes, nice one today.
23
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:46,880
'We live in a world
where a newsreader's arse
24
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,760
'can push a war off the front page.'
Oh, Christ.
25
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:52,800
And you, my dear, are in possession
of a newsreader's arse.
26
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:53,840
You could get cancelled.
27
00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:56,600
I don't want that to happen, Dad.
It would destroy me.
28
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:57,680
And me.
29
00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:59,560
I'm gonna tell Madeline
to take down the tweet.
30
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,720
Douglas.
Sorry, I need to speak to Madeline.
31
00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:05,560
How does Madeline always get you
back on side? Is she magic?
32
00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:07,120
MADELINE: Just a moment.
Madeline.
33
00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:09,160
She's not getting me back
on side this time.
34
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:10,880
I need to talk to you.
35
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:45,960
THUNDER RUMBLES
36
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:53,680
SHEILA: No. No!
TILSON ON PHONE: 'Why not?'
37
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,920
Because I'm on sodding holiday,
that's why!
38
00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:00,720
Yeah, yeah, it's lovely.
Well, I think it's lovely.
39
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,720
I can't see three feet
out the window.
40
00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:04,040
They said we had an ocean view.
41
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,760
PHONE PINGS
I think it's from underneath.
42
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,320
DOUGLAS CHUCKLES
43
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:10,480
So, either you're telling him
or Martin is,
44
00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:11,840
because I'm on holiday.
45
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,640
Because I'm on holiday,
46
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,120
and we're about to ruin
a man's life,
47
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,720
and I don't want to have to tell
him, because it'll spoil my day...
48
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:21,360
PHONE PINGS
..and it's already bloody raining.
49
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,480
Of course we have to tell him.
It's a bloody headline.
50
00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:25,960
He needs to talk to his wife.
51
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:28,880
Think of his poor wife,
for God's sake.
52
00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,360
There wasn't a way to soften it.
53
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:31,880
He went out
and banged another woman.
54
00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:33,960
His choice, his life.
55
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:37,120
I mean, if it had been another man,
we could have done something moving
56
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:41,160
about him finding his true self -
a whole page of rainbows
57
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:43,960
and photos of his wife looking brave
and supportive.
58
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:45,680
We could've been progressive.
59
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:48,400
Stonewall would've been
off our backs for a whole week.
60
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,520
Then six months later,
you'd have run a story
61
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:53,240
about all his gay affairs
and destroyed him anyway.
62
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,520
He'd have had six more months,
and we'd have two stories.
63
00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:57,640
Everyone's a winner.
Shut up, Douglas.
64
00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:00,880
No, no, no, it's OK.
I'm just shutting up Douglas.
65
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:05,440
So, either you or Martin phone
our premier religious broadcaster
66
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,720
and say that God sees all...
PHONE PINGS
67
00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:10,120
..and He sent us the photos, OK?
68
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,000
DOUGLAS CHUCKLES
69
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:17,400
Oh, come on! Do it for me. Jesus.
70
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,440
It's a friend of mine
we're destroying.
71
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:20,720
How do you think it would feel,
72
00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:23,080
personally destroying a friend
while I'm on holiday?
73
00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,760
I've got a conscience!
SHE SIGHS
74
00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,960
What does Madeline want?
How did you know it was Madeline?
75
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:33,200
This sucks.
What are you gonna do about it?
76
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,080
Well, it's not exactly our fault
it's raining.
77
00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:37,600
But it's Dubai.
Yep, still not our fault.
78
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,680
I mean, Dubai.
We've not been lucky, yes.
79
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,040
What are we doing here?
I mean, why here?
80
00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,400
They execute gay people,
and it won't stop raining.
81
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:46,920
Might as well be in Scotland.
82
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,680
They don't execute gay people
in Scotland.
83
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:51,520
They don't execute them in Dubai.
Gay people are executed everywhere.
84
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:54,200
No, they aren't. Should I list
countries where they're executed?
85
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,520
There's a chance I might know,
seeing as I'm a journalist.
86
00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,120
Stop it, Dad. Not this again.
87
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,120
No, seriously,
would you like a list of countries
88
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:02,360
where homosexuality's punishable
by death? No.
89
00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:04,160
Why not?
Because it's racist.
90
00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:11,760
DOOR SLAMS
I think that went well.
91
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:14,480
Because you turned your phone over.
Sorry, what?
92
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,840
I knew it was Madeline
because you turned your phone over.
93
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,280
You always turn your phone screen
away when Madeline texts.
94
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:20,840
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
95
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:23,360
Well, I don't mean to.
Well, you do, every time.
96
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:24,840
Do you really not know that?
97
00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:29,000
Look, there's nothing... Look,
I mean, they're just texts. OK.
98
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,120
I mean, you can read them,
if you want. OK.
99
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:35,400
Seriously?
100
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:40,080
Fine. Help yourself, read the lot.
There's nothing there.
101
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:43,680
Oh, I'm not reading them, darling.
I'm counting them.
102
00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:46,640
No, actually, I'm giving up
counting them, there's too many.
103
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,720
We've been here three days.
104
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:52,000
How many times has Madeline
texted you in three days,
105
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,720
while you've been on holiday?
106
00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:56,960
She's my friend, she just texts me.
Mm-hm.
107
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,800
How's Bill?
Bill?
108
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:04,520
Yeah, Bill. Your best friend, Bill.
He must have texted you recently.
109
00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:08,680
Oh! Not for three weeks, actually.
Funny, that.
110
00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:11,600
Madeline likes texting.
I don't know why.
111
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:12,760
What does she say?
112
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,280
Well, it's all there,
you can read it.
113
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:17,600
Thanks, but we've only got the room
for another week and a half.
114
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:20,280
Jokes, usually.
Bitching about people.
115
00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:22,680
Mm-hm. What does she say about me?
Nothing.
116
00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:24,960
She doesn't even mention you.
No, I bet she doesn't.
117
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,480
Oh, for God's sake, Sheila,
there's nothing going on.
118
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:28,920
Nothing, as in what?
119
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,160
I mean, you don't think...
I'm almost twice her age.
120
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:35,080
Oh, and that's always stopped a man,
yeah?
121
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:36,440
Well, it always stopped me.
122
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:39,760
I don't think you're having
an affair with Madeline.
123
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:40,840
Oh, good, thanks for that.
124
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,840
But I do think she's texting you
a hell of a lot.
125
00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:45,040
We work together.
You're on holiday.
126
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:48,120
So are you.
How long were you just on the phone?
127
00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:52,320
OK. Yeah, OK.
128
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:54,400
She texts at lot.
That's it, that's all.
129
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,960
That's really all.
130
00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,880
Go and talk to Claudia.
131
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:03,440
About what?
Just go and talk to her.
132
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:06,080
What do I say?
I don't know.
133
00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:10,120
HE GROANS,
THUNDER RUMBLES
134
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,040
Tell her it rains sometimes.
135
00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:25,760
When?
SHEILA ON PHONE: 'Now.'
136
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,720
But we're just about to have
our first pre-show.
137
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,600
He left half an hour ago,
he'll be arriving now.
138
00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:32,720
He's going straight to see Madeline.
You could've given me more warning!
139
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,760
I've been trying.
You've been busy all morning.
140
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:37,320
Yeah, guess what I've been doing?
Why did she have to retweet it?
141
00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,880
What was she thinking?
It's everywhere, it's multiplying.
142
00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,200
Jesus, I know.
I was up all night tracking it.
143
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,000
So was Douglas.
He didn't sleep a wink.
144
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,760
Yeah, well, how do you sleep
through existential terror?
145
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:49,520
It's like having Greta Thunberg
standing at the end of your bed.
146
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:50,640
No.
Sorry?
147
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:51,680
Not Greta Thunberg.
148
00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:54,800
OK. Is there pressure to pull
Douglas from this evening's show?
149
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,960
That would be seen as a reaction.
It is a reaction.
150
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,360
Yeah, of course it's a reaction,
151
00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:01,560
but it has to be the kind
of reaction that makes it clear
152
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,480
we don't think
there's anything to react to
153
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,600
and we are not, in fact,
reacting to it.
154
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,600
It's a thin line.
Is he interviewing anyone?
155
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,440
Yeah, of course he is.
Live ones?
156
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:12,560
Er, yeah.
Two warm bodies and Michael Gove.
157
00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:15,720
Anyone likely to bring up the tweet?
158
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:17,440
It could happen.
Then what?
159
00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:19,480
He'll handle it.
How?
160
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,200
With wit and charm.
161
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,720
How? Spontaneously.
He's got an earpiece.
162
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,120
We're briefing one of our comedy
guys to help him out on air.
163
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:27,960
Which one?
I don't know, one of them.
164
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,440
Look, it's just a safeguard.
He might need a few zingers.
165
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,200
I've seen him do zingers
from his earpiece,
166
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,920
you might as well
lip-synch a corpse.
167
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,760
Yeah, well, this time,
he'll have good jokes.
168
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:36,840
There's a bigger problem.
169
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:39,120
If you mean Madeline,
I'll speak to her too.
170
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,760
Hay. The Hay Festival.
171
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:43,160
Oh, shit. I forgot about Hay.
172
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:46,160
We've got one week.
Fucking Hay!
173
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:47,280
You gonna talk to him now?
174
00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:48,920
Yeah, I'll see
if he's with Madeline yet.
175
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:52,320
He was furious when he left,
absolutely raging.
176
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:53,520
What level furious?
177
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:56,040
Jesus, Toby,
I don't have a ranking system.
178
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:59,160
Yeah, but out of ten?
Emily Maitlis with an opinion.
179
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:01,480
Oh, dear God.
I'll see if I can head him off.
180
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:02,960
I'm getting in the lift now.
181
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,280
Get Douglas to call me
when he's out. Yeah.
182
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:07,560
SHE SIGHS
183
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:09,080
Darth Vader.
What?
184
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:12,200
Not Greta Thunberg
at the end of the bed, Darth Vader.
185
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,360
Funnier, trust me.
186
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:15,920
I wasn't making a joke,
I was talking.
187
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,320
Or Jeremy Clarkson.
Jeremy Clarkson?
188
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:21,120
Clarkson. Clarkson
at the end of the bed, classic.
189
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:22,800
How is Jeremy Clarkson
a portent of doom?
190
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,480
Oh, angry people love him,
post-Meghan.
191
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,680
No, they love him
because he's not a portent of doom.
192
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:27,720
HE SNAPS FINGERS
OK!
193
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,840
Jeremy Clarkson and Darth Vader.
Comedy doom combo.
194
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:33,120
Plus, Vader takes the edge
off Clarkson's darkness.
195
00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:34,640
Listen, it doesn't matter.
196
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,040
Hey, Greta Thunberg isn't funny.
We focus-grouped her.
197
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:38,440
Sorry, did you actually research
198
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:40,000
to check
if Greta Thunberg was funny?
199
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,600
Yeah.
That was literally the question.
200
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,160
Were you surprised
by the answer "no"?
201
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:44,720
In comedy,
we never know what's funny.
202
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:46,840
Is Douglas in yet?
Just pulled into the car park.
203
00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:48,600
Madeline?
In her office. Thanks.
204
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:55,400
Let me give you a for-instance - you
see, "melanoma" might sound funny...
205
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,040
You have a name?
Well, not so much a name.
206
00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:58,320
Sort of just a growing profile,
207
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,480
just getting a bit of traction
in the comedy arena...
208
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:01,680
No. A Christian name.
209
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,600
I'm not Christian, no,
er, more humanist.
210
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,440
What do I call you?
Oh, Morgan.
211
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:08,520
Morgan, I need you to concentrate
on jokes about Twitter for Douglas.
212
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:09,560
All over that.
213
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,560
He needs to sound relaxed,
witty, a good sport.
214
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,800
Yeah, it's all here.
Don't sweat it, baby.
215
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:16,160
Give me an example.
216
00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:18,480
Oh, no, I prefer to feed my material
directly to Douglas.
217
00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:22,120
No, OK, let me clarify my request -
give me an example or I'll kill you.
218
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,920
OK, er...
CLEARS THROAT
219
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,760
OK, look at me.
Sorry, what?
220
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:27,440
I need eye contact.
Give me an example.
221
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:29,440
No, I need to look into your eyes
when I say the joke
222
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,440
so I can see the kick moment.
223
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:32,560
The what?
224
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,080
It's the moment
when the joke kicks in
225
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:37,160
and it all comes together
in your head, a bit like an orgasm.
226
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,720
When a woman laughs at you in bed,
that's not an orgasm.
227
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,360
Sometimes it is.
No.
228
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:43,240
Trust me, I...
229
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:46,120
Give me an example now. Do it.
230
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:49,560
OK, eye contact established.
Yeah, he's cooking now.
231
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:53,160
Is he ready for comedy? Yes, he is.
OK. Yeah. Right, listen to this.
232
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,400
No wonder they called it Twitter -
it's full of twits.
233
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,760
Is that it? Has the joke happened?
Because I don't think I laughed.
234
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,000
It's not your fault, comedy's hard.
235
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,160
Douglas.
Sorry, need to speak to Madeline.
236
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:10,320
Yeah. Douglas.
237
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:13,000
"Embolism". Why isn't "embolism"
funny? It's got "ball" in.
238
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,160
KNOCK ON DOOR
Madeline?
239
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,360
You see,
comedy has its own special music.
240
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:19,000
My jokes can be like a secret code
no-one understands except me.
241
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,640
Twitter jokes now.
242
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,720
I just told you a Twitter joke.
I didn't orgasm.
243
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,040
Sometimes, you have to tell people
they orgasmed.
244
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,720
You really don't.
245
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:27,880
Is it cos it's called X now?
246
00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,120
Cos X is actually a really difficult
letter for comedy.
247
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:33,800
TOBY SIGHS
248
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,320
So, you OK?
249
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,000
HE SCOFFS
No.
250
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,840
Don't blame you, I wouldn't be.
Grab a chair.
251
00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:52,280
I don't need a chair.
Can't have you looming over me.
252
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,320
I don't like it when you're looming.
Sit.
253
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,160
I'm fine.
254
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,320
Are you standing
because you're cross with me?
255
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:02,720
No.
Oh, good.
256
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:06,520
I hate it when you're cross.
Come on, sit down, park it.
257
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:07,640
Park it.
258
00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,840
Madeline,
I need to say something to you.
259
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:13,120
Good.
First, tell me how you're feeling.
260
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:15,440
I'm fine.
261
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,320
No, no, don't just say that.
I want to know how you feel.
262
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:20,160
And don't you try to hide anything,
OK?
263
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,120
Because this is just you and me,
talking.
264
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:23,920
Madeline,
this is not about my feelings.
265
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:27,240
Don't be brave, of course it is.
It's about the bloody tweet!
266
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:31,800
You are cross with me.
No. Yes, you are.
267
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:33,800
No, it's not that I'm cross,
that's not the point.
268
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,520
You sound cross.
I'm not cross!
269
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,640
Then let's start again, then.
270
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,280
Could I just...
What?
271
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:40,680
HE STAMMERS
My hand.
272
00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,400
Your hand?
273
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,120
Oh, Jesus.
You really are angry, aren't you?
274
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:48,880
No, I'm not angry! Listen...
Then let's talk properly.
275
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:51,640
It's just...
What?
276
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,440
..you always do this.
Do what?
277
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:56,240
With the hands. Yeah.
I'm tactile. I'm always tactile.
278
00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:59,400
Well, not with everyone.
Lucky you, then.
279
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:01,360
It just looks...
What? ..odd.
280
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:02,960
Odd?
Yeah, odd.
281
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:06,600
Oh, oh, you mean suspicious.
Well, kind of. Yeah.
282
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:07,640
Jesus, really?
283
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:11,200
You mean people might think we're...
what? Having an affair?
284
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:12,240
Well...
285
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,840
What people? Blind people?
You and me, an affair?
286
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,160
I'm sorry...
SHE LAUGHS
287
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:20,080
You're actually older than my dad.
288
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:23,680
Yeah, I'm aware of that, Madeline,
but sometimes, people, you know...
289
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:27,240
Douglas, one of us is hot,
and one of us is clever,
290
00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:29,560
and unfortunately for you,
both of those are me, so...
291
00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:33,640
SHE LAUGHS
..stay in your lane, Romeo.
292
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,280
I know. I...
HE CHUCKLES
293
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,440
I know. It just... it just looks...
294
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:41,800
I tell you what, then,
if anyone walks in,
295
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,880
I'll take my hands away. OK?
296
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,680
There you go, all safe now.
297
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,720
KNOCK ON DOOR,
DOOR OPENS
298
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,640
Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, no, come in.
299
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,440
I can come back in a moment.
No, it's not...
300
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:52,960
There's nothing...
What's up, Toby?
301
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,240
Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.
302
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,800
Well, when I say nothing,
I mean basically nothing
303
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,920
but, you know, the tweet.
Ah!
304
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:02,400
Yeah. I needed to talk
really quite urgently
305
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:06,960
in the strongest possible terms
about this tweeting situation.
306
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:10,240
Oh, you're both looking so cross.
Why do men always attack in pairs?
307
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,960
No, I'm not gonna attack you.
If anything, I'm gonna defend you.
308
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,600
Oh, I need a man to defend me, do I?
309
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,480
Well, no, no, no.
Not defend you or attack you.
310
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,440
In fact, I'm remaining neutral
in this conversation.
311
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,520
I'm trying to have literally
no impact on anything
312
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:25,520
that is being said in this room.
313
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:26,560
To be clear, you're here
314
00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:29,960
so you can "really quite urgently"
have no impact on anything?
315
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,520
Yes.
In the strongest possible terms?
316
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:35,520
Thanks, Toby.
I think we can handle this.
317
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:38,840
PHONE RINGS
Twitter? More like Twatter.
318
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,640
Sheila?
Is he with Madeline?
319
00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:43,800
Yes.
Did you get him out?
320
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:47,120
Well, no. They're talking.
It all seems fine.
321
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:50,080
Either you go in there with him
or you get him out.
322
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,520
Oh, shit.
Seriously, just get him out.
323
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:53,640
Yeah. Just a minute.
324
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,240
Are you wearing earpods?
325
00:13:58,240 --> 00:13:59,280
LOUDLY: Pardon?
326
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,960
LOUDLY: Are you wearing earpods?
327
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,920
It's soothing music.
328
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:07,080
Why?
Because of all the shouting!
329
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,800
Do you understand
why people are shouting?
330
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,400
Pardon?
331
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:15,840
SHOUTING: Do you understand
why people are shouting?!
332
00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,320
Erm...
333
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,480
Social media is a hazard,
we all know that.
334
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:23,520
One wrong word at the wrong moment,
you have no idea.
335
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:24,880
Don't need the lecture, Douglas.
336
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,840
I'm not lecturing you,
and I'm not finished.
337
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:28,440
Tell me how you're feeling.
338
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,280
This is not about how I feel.
339
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:33,760
Toby tells me
you can't even remember the joke.
340
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:35,280
You and your wine.
341
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:41,440
I'm talking about your tweet.
I'm talking about you retweeting.
342
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,240
Yeah. Had to be done.
343
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:48,800
Listen, I realise
on a surface level,
344
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:52,000
you were defending me,
but the way this works...
345
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,320
Did you actually read what I wrote?
Yes.
346
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:56,640
And?
It was... Yes?
347
00:14:57,880 --> 00:14:59,760
Potentially...
Yes?
348
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:02,880
..I'm sure
entirely unintentionally...
349
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,600
well, damaging.
350
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,000
No, it wasn't.
It was definitely damaging.
351
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:10,360
Definitely and deliberately.
352
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,840
Look, it was a challenge.
353
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,720
I expressed my confidence
you would never say anything sexist,
354
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:17,480
because otherwise,
355
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:19,880
I could never tolerate you
as my co-presenter.
356
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:21,640
Right.
357
00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:25,280
So, what happens now is anyone
who heard you say anything sexist
358
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:28,400
at that wedding will now, you know,
throw it in my face.
359
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:32,040
I challenged everyone on Twitter
to prove me wrong.
360
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:33,320
And I'm a famous woman -
361
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:35,760
half the world gets a hard-on
telling me I'm wrong.
362
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,640
And between you and me,
so does the other half.
363
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,760
I mean, Jesus, your own wife...
364
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:41,720
My wife?
365
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:43,320
So, if somebody heard
your dodgy joke,
366
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,360
I'm gonna be the first person
they tell about it.
367
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,320
And we need to be first,
368
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:50,040
because apparently,
you can't remember your joke,
369
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:54,320
and everyone - everyone, Douglas -
is going to be looking for it.
370
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:57,840
We need a head start
so we can defend you. OK?
371
00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:59,880
So I can defend you.
372
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:01,160
What do you mean, my wife?
373
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,360
You read that newspaper thing
she supposedly edits?
374
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:04,520
She actually edits.
375
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:05,600
If you get a minute,
376
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,680
could you ask her why me
in a bikini is a news story?
377
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,040
Ask her from me, woman to woman.
378
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:11,880
OK, look, the point here is -
379
00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:15,120
the relevant point
is nobody's going to be out there
380
00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:16,280
looking for my joke.
381
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,960
Oh, oh, oh, trust me, there will be
plenty of people looking.
382
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,720
I don't have that many enemies.
Oh, Douglas, sweet Douglas.
383
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,600
Do you know what the rich and
the famous have instead of enemies?
384
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,160
Friends.
385
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:28,400
KNOCK AT DOOR
Come in!
386
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,960
Oh, sorry, sorry.
387
00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:36,640
No, no, it's fine, come in.
388
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:38,360
If you're having a private moment...
389
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,320
We're not having any kind
of private moment.
390
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,440
Well, if you're sure.
Of course we're bloody sure.
391
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:44,600
Good, good. Sorry about that.
392
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,960
Always have to be careful with...
this sort of thing.
393
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:48,240
What sort of thing?
394
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,240
Now, I don't want you to worry.
I'm all over this.
395
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,240
We need to control the spread,
396
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,560
get on top of the fallout,
mitigate the impact.
397
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,640
Does any of that
actually mean anything?
398
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,200
I'm not forgetting
the human element,
399
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,560
because that's what agenting
is about, the human element.
400
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:02,880
Show me human suffering
and I'll show you an agent.
401
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:07,360
Mind if I get a moment alone
with my favourite presenter?
402
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,120
Fine.
OK, Douglas?
403
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:11,120
My office?
Wherever you like.
404
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,720
Now, talk me through
how you're feeling,
405
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:18,040
because I would like to clarify
that my agency has no time
406
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,960
for any sort of sexist humour,
407
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,320
and I personally have always
struggled heroically
408
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:24,680
against the insidious cancer
of men...
409
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:25,800
What are you doing?
410
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,480
Leave this with me.
I'm taking care of it.
411
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,960
You do understand you're my agent,
not Madeline's?
412
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,440
Who even suggested
I should be Madeline's agent?
413
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,200
Where did that idea come from,
414
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,800
when her own agent is probably
in the building right now?
415
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,080
Hang on, where is Alex?
416
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:42,120
Surely he's here helping you
at this difficult time?
417
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:44,360
Tell me he's here, Madeline.
Would like me to phone him?
418
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:46,280
Bently, out.
OK...
419
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:49,680
Some agents forget the importance
of their own clients,
420
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,680
but I always remember
the little people.
421
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,080
Go back to your office
or I'll fire you again,
422
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,080
and this time,
I won't change my mind
423
00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:58,560
because you're crying in my garden.
424
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,120
Look, I'm helping you.
425
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:01,880
Do you know how difficult
this is gonna get?
426
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,880
I was up all night tracking it
on Twitter.
427
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:05,080
Oh, you're telling me.
428
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:07,560
It's like having Darth Vader
in your bed.
429
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:09,840
I'm sorry?
430
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:13,040
And Jeremy Clarkson.
Like having both of them.
431
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:16,600
Not in your bed, at the end
of the bed, just standing there.
432
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,160
Who are you?
433
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,800
And Greta Thunberg, if you like.
The three of them.
434
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,880
She's just not funny,
Greta Thunberg.
435
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,880
Douglas, your wife wants a word.
I'll phone her back.
436
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,280
No, but now.
I'll phone her.
437
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,520
He'll call you back.
I want him out of there.
438
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,400
They were fine.
They were completely calm.
439
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,760
He should be angry with her.
He's entitled to be angry.
440
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:38,680
But every time he's angry with her,
she just turns him off.
441
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:39,840
It's always the same.
442
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,240
He goes storming into work,
ready to lay down the law,
443
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:45,920
and comes home explaining
that Madeline was right all along.
444
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,800
How does she do that?
I can't do that!
445
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,080
Sheila, please. You don't want
them fighting, do you?
446
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:52,520
What I don't want, Toby,
447
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:56,800
is my husband wrapped around
anyone else's little finger!
448
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:59,560
That woman controls him,
I don't know how, but she does.
449
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:01,560
SHEILA'S VOICE
FADES
450
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,120
So, that's why you did it?
That's why you tweeted?
451
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:25,760
You're saying
you were trying to help me?
452
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:28,880
Of course I was trying to help you.
What else would I be doing? OK.
453
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:31,160
Actually, I was trying to help
a whole TV show
454
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,520
you decided to put in jeopardy
because you got pissed at a wedding.
455
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,360
But yeah, I'm helping you too.
456
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,240
Jesus, come on. It's me.
457
00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:42,760
It's me!
458
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,760
What, did you think
I was just trying to...
459
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,120
trying to fuck you over?
460
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,600
Don't.
461
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:52,640
Oh, my God, you did.
You thought I was fucking you over.
462
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,960
Look, Madeline...
Get off me.
463
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,680
Look, if there's a problem here,
you created it.
464
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,120
You're drawing attention
to something that could've been -
465
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:02,160
would've been ignored.
466
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,880
The Hay Festival.
The what?
467
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:08,480
The Hay Festival
90-minute interview. Yeah?
468
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:11,200
They've been researching you
for over a month now.
469
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,160
You think they haven't been
searching your name
470
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:14,520
on Twitter every day?
471
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,120
You think there's
the slightest chance
472
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,560
they didn't find that wedding story
before I even saw it?
473
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:21,000
The guy who heard your joke -
he's gone silent, yeah?
474
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,840
Yeah.
No.
475
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:25,280
He's just talking to somebody else -
your interviewer.
476
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:26,400
You don't know that.
477
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,880
Of course I don't know it,
it's just an incredibly good guess.
478
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,800
It's not that kind of interview,
it's just a chat about my career.
479
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,640
It's an interview
with an industry colleague
480
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:34,960
who is less well-paid than you.
481
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,920
You're not chatting
about your career any more,
482
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,200
you're trying to save it.
483
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,600
So, what we need to do now
is prep you for hostile questioning
484
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,880
about an offensive joke
you can't even remember telling
485
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:45,880
but which has endangered
the credibility
486
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,160
of everyone you work with.
487
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:50,800
And all this because basically...
wine!
488
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,320
I wasn't that drunk.
What was the joke, then?
489
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,320
I don't remember.
490
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,560
Too drunk to remember
is "that drunk".
491
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:02,800
So, what we need to do right now
as a priority
492
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,120
is find out what bloody stupid thing
you said.
493
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:08,200
I'm so sorry I'm not just clucking
around you like Toby,
494
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,800
or... or being clinically useless
like your agent.
495
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,800
So, so sorry
I'm actually trying to help.
496
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:19,320
Fuck you.
Seriously, fuck, fuck you.
497
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:33,640
Say something nice.
498
00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,520
I just got accused of stabbing
my best friend in the back
499
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,280
because I was trying to help him.
500
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:44,960
Say something nice.
501
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:52,600
You're my friend too.
Your friend?
502
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:56,960
My best friend.
503
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,880
You and me,
best friends against the world.
504
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:08,800
That's what you said when I started.
Yeah. I know.
505
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,640
You've always had my back,
and now I've got yours.
506
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:16,120
You understand I'm helping you,
yeah? Yes.
507
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:17,920
You get that it's a smart move,
yeah?
508
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:19,960
Well... yeah.
509
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,960
Because I'm going to need
your support with Toby.
510
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:23,680
Toby's terrified of you.
511
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:27,080
Yeah. And men are always so nice
to the women who terrify them.
512
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,000
That always works out well for us.
513
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:32,080
Look, if people here think my tweet
was an attack on you,
514
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,400
if Toby thinks that, then...
515
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:39,680
..in this office... I'm toast.
516
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:42,760
You're not toast.
I need you to support me.
517
00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:44,000
I do support you.
But openly.
518
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,200
I will openly support you.
519
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,040
I mean specifically support
what I tweeted.
520
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,520
I will. I'll...
I'll tell everyone I'm fine with it.
521
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:52,080
You don't have to do that.
No, I do. I genuinely want to.
522
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:53,560
Just retweet me.
523
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:56,880
Just retweet my tweet.
524
00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,640
We could do with the signal boost
anyway.
525
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:03,000
How many followers do you have?
Same as me, couple of million?
526
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,200
Yeah, thereabouts.
I mean... I mean...
527
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,040
HE STAMMERS
..I can see the logic in that.
528
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:11,200
Great.
Mm.
529
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,080
Thanks.
530
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,280
Do you have your phone?
531
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,720
My phone?
Yeah, your phone.
532
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:27,240
Go on, then. Retweet me.
533
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:34,320
Get my back. Support me.
534
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:39,000
Erm...
535
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:50,960
Is it slowing?
A bit.
536
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,920
Anyone picking up on it?
Any press?
537
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:54,440
Someone's bound to.
538
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:56,240
The Hay Festival -
Douglas's interview.
539
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:57,680
What about it?
540
00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,520
I heard a rumour.
I cannot divulge the source.
541
00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:01,160
Is it Peter?
Yes.
542
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:03,520
What's the rumour?
They switched Douglas's interviewer.
543
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,080
They promised us Gavin.
544
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,080
It's not gonna be Gavin.
It's gonna be a woman.
545
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:08,440
Which woman?
I don't know...
546
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,520
OK, well,
then we're not any clearer.
547
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:11,920
..but it's a Newsnight one.
548
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:15,440
Oh, dear Christ.
549
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,720
Sorry, sorry, should've knocked.
550
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:26,680
Er, Douglas,
there's been a development.
551
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:28,920
The Hay people.
Have they cancelled?
552
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,680
Er, no.
They are changing the interviewer.
553
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:32,040
It's gonna be a woman.
Which one?
554
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:34,040
A Newsnight one...
Oh, fuck!
555
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,840
..which does rather suggest
they might be going a bit,
556
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,280
you know, feminist - no offence.
Offence?
557
00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:41,600
So, God forbid, they might wanna
talk about the joke.
558
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:44,000
Toby, sorry.
There's... There's been a retweet.
559
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:45,720
Madeline's been retweeted.
560
00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:47,880
TOBY EXHALES
OK.
561
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:49,200
But it's a big one.
562
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:51,680
Who?
563
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:55,640
Yeah. I retweeted.
I retweeted Madeline.
564
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:57,760
It was my idea.
565
00:24:57,760 --> 00:24:59,600
But...
we're trying to close this down.
566
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:00,640
We're trying to end this!
567
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:02,440
Don't shout at me.
I'm not shouting.
568
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:04,400
I was defending him,
why wouldn't he retweet me?
569
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:06,480
SHOUTS: Because we want this over!
Stop shouting!
570
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:07,680
SHOUTS: I'm not shouting!
571
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,280
PHONE BUZZES
Ooh, it's my wife.
572
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,000
I'll step out.
No, you don't have to.
573
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,600
I'm sure it's just...
Madeline, a word.
574
00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:14,640
I know what you're gonna say.
What the fuck?!
575
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,880
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
576
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:18,720
Yeah, I retweeted Madeline.
577
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:20,600
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
It would look odd if I didn't.
578
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,640
She was defending me.
YELLS: Fuck!
579
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:24,920
Look, never mind that now.
580
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:26,440
You were going to get her
to delete it.
581
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:28,240
Well, you said yourself
that wasn't useful.
582
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,040
How is retweeting her useful?
583
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:31,200
Never mind Madeline.
584
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,400
They've switched the interviewer
for Hay.
585
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:34,680
It's a woman.
586
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:38,840
A Newsnight one.
BELLOWS: Fuck!
587
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:41,280
Toby thinks they know about the joke
and will bring it up.
588
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:43,240
What do you think?
I should cancel, shouldn't I?
589
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:44,640
You're being accused of sexism,
590
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:46,400
and now you're going
to cancel an interview
591
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:49,640
because they're switching
the interviewer to a woman.
592
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:51,160
Yeah, that could be misinterpreted.
593
00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:53,720
That's not misinterpreted.
That's just interpreted.
594
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:57,400
Now, you tell me why in the name
of God did you retweet her?
595
00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:58,960
Because it would look odd
if I didn't!
596
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:01,000
No, it wouldn't.
Yes, I think it would.
597
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,200
I really do.
Who told you that?
598
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:06,120
We discussed it.
599
00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:08,520
Madeline told you that.
Look, forget the bloody tweet.
600
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:10,480
What about the bloody interview?
601
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:12,200
You need to prep.
I know.
602
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,000
No, I mean actually rehearse.
603
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:16,480
You need an interview rehearsal.
A what?
604
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,680
An interview rehearsal.
605
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,880
We'll find someone really good,
someone we can trust,
606
00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:22,720
who'll give you
the hardest time possible,
607
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:24,600
who'll come at you from every angle.
608
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:25,840
But you need practice.
609
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,320
Agreed.
Bill could do it, or Francis.
610
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:32,360
Cass... is a bit vegan,
but a woman would be good.
611
00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:34,040
Yeah.
But listen, Douglas.
612
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,960
Not Madeline!
OK.
613
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:40,040
You keep Madeline out of this.
Anyone but Madeline. OK.
614
00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:42,920
Because I swear on my life,
you cannot trust that woman.
615
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,280
I know.
No, no, no. You really can't.
616
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:46,320
I know.
617
00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:48,320
Yeah. You say that,
but actually, do you?
618
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,320
I do. I really do.
619
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,160
She plays you.
She what?
620
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:55,720
Madeline. She plays you.
Oh, no, she doesn't.
621
00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:57,560
You went in today
to read her the riot act.
622
00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,640
How long did it take her to get you
doing exactly what she wanted?
623
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,240
How many minutes before
you were doing the exact opposite
624
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,160
of what you went in there to do?
625
00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:07,800
You were going to get her
to delete her Twitter account.
626
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,800
Instead, you retweeted her.
627
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,600
She played you. Do you get that?
Well, no, I do.
628
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:18,840
I mean, I do, I get it.
Hang on. I'll call you back in five.
629
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:21,000
MADELINE: You got a moment?
TOBY: We've had an idea.
630
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,640
A rehearsal.
An interview rehearsal.
631
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:25,560
OK, so we'll put you
in the spotlight
632
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:26,880
and throw everything at you
633
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:28,920
till you can answer every question
in your sleep.
634
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,400
We get someone who can
really needle you, really go for it,
635
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:34,160
punch you till you learn
how to smile and knock it away.
636
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:36,680
Douglas,
take that look off your face.
637
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,920
What look?
The answer is no.
638
00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:41,680
I'm sorry?
No, I won't do it. It can't be me.
639
00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:44,800
I can't do the prep interview.
Obviously not.
640
00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:46,720
OK. Well, fair enough, yeah.
641
00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:50,000
Has to be someone else.
Someone good, but someone else.
642
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:52,000
Well, fine, yeah.
Yeah. For the obvious reasons.
643
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,360
Yeah.
OK. OK, good.
644
00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:58,280
What reasons?
Well, the obvious ones.
645
00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:01,760
What obvious ones?
Well, you know. You two.
646
00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:04,560
Just that, really. You two.
What does that even mean?
647
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,880
There is... How does one put it?
648
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,440
I don't know, how does one?
649
00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:13,480
You two have a certain... chemistry.
A warmth.
650
00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:15,520
A mutual... you know, thing.
651
00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:18,560
I think you'd both find it very hard
to be sufficiently, erm...
652
00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,800
well, let's say dispassionate
about each other.
653
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:22,840
What are you implying?
I'm not implying anything.
654
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:23,880
We're co-presenters.
655
00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:26,560
We present together, that's all.
We're professional.
656
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:28,600
Of course you are,
no-one's saying you aren't.
657
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:30,720
There's nothing for us
to be dispassionate about!
658
00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:33,640
All I'm trying to suggest...
Shut up, Toby, he's right.
659
00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:35,480
I should do it.
660
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,680
I will. I'll do it.
I'll do the prep interview.
661
00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:43,000
No, can I just...? I don't think...
Honestly, it's fine. You win.
662
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:44,480
I'll do it.
663
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:46,520
Are you sure?
Course I'm sure.
664
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,480
I can give this guy a hard time,
right, Douglas?
665
00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:50,720
Erm...
PHONE BUZZES
666
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:52,240
Oh, can I just...? It's Sheila.
667
00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:55,440
You know what we should do?
We can use studio B, make it proper.
668
00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:57,440
Let's go talk to Jenn,
we'll schedule something.
669
00:28:57,440 --> 00:28:59,400
I'm gonna see her right now.
I'll come with you.
670
00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:01,560
Don't worry, I'm all over this.
671
00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:05,760
Hey.
Crazy idea - me.
672
00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:07,880
Sorry, what?
I'll do the prep interview.
673
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:11,000
What do you think?
674
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:13,520
HE STAMMERS
675
00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:14,800
You're my wife.
676
00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:17,600
We've been married for 20 years,
it's not the first date any more,
677
00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:19,200
and I'm an awesome interviewer.
678
00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:21,080
How many careers
have I personally destroyed -
679
00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:23,840
and not just the proper villains,
really good people too?
680
00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:26,800
Why aren't you saying anything?
681
00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:30,920
I'm just absorbing.
Come on, this would work.
682
00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:32,040
I can be tough on you.
683
00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:33,680
Who can be tougher on you
than your wife?
684
00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:36,480
If there's anyone in this world
who can get under your skin
685
00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:38,360
better than me,
I'd like to know who it is.
686
00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:41,040
We could get studio B tomorrow
morning, we can even record it.
687
00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:42,480
Oh, sorry. You're on the phone.
688
00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:44,280
It's Sheila.
689
00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:46,280
'Is that Toby?'
690
00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:47,880
It's... It's Madeline.
691
00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:53,520
She says "hi".
692
00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:58,160
"Hi" back.
693
00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:00,200
Get me Toby.
Is he there? Let me talk to him.
694
00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:03,000
Yeah, well, Toby isn't, erm...
I'll phone him. I'll just phone him.
695
00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:05,160
We can use one of the studios,
do it properly.
696
00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:09,280
Toby thinks Madeline should do it.
Toby suggested Madeline.
697
00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:15,440
And what did you say?
698
00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:18,520
Well, we're only just, er,
starting to talk about it.
699
00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:20,600
Douglas.
Hm? What did you say?
700
00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:22,680
Well, we're literally discussing
right now.
701
00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:24,800
Me or Madeline? What did you say?
702
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:26,960
Oh, this is good.
This is... This is brand new.
703
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:28,960
This is... This is uncharted.
704
00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:30,600
Basically,
you're getting competitive
705
00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:32,080
over who can tear me apart best!
706
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:33,880
Who's winning?
707
00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:38,560
'Douglas?'
708
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:42,640
'Who's winning?'
709
00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:16,200
PHONE RINGS
710
00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:18,640
PHONE BUZZES
Oh.
711
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:24,800
Hello, yes?
Ah, Douglas. It's me, Bently.
712
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:27,800
Don't phone back, I just wanted
to leave a message of support.
713
00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:30,840
No, this is me, Bently.
This isn't voicemail.
714
00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:33,760
It's always darkest before the dawn.
715
00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:36,480
No, I'm here, Bently.
Is it, though? Is that true?
716
00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:38,280
It's more of a sort of light grey,
isn't it?
717
00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:40,480
'This isn't... I'm here, Bently.'
Oh, never mind.
718
00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:43,920
At some point prior to dawn,
it's very, very dark.
719
00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:46,920
But... But, Douglas,
however dark it gets,
720
00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:49,040
you must always remember
that the dawn will come,
721
00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:51,320
that the light will return...
722
00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:53,920
unless you die in the night,
but that's never gonna happen.
723
00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:58,000
Well, it is someday, but...
let's not get bogged down with that.
724
00:31:58,000 --> 00:31:59,440
Who says you're gonna die at night?
725
00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:01,080
You could die at any time
at your age.
726
00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:03,560
On a sunny day on a beach,
727
00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:06,280
just when you're feeling happy
and safe.
728
00:32:06,280 --> 00:32:07,720
That's how I'd like to go.
729
00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:11,720
Or in a helicopter.
Never been in a helicopter.
730
00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:14,760
It'd be good to get that in
before... the end.
731
00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:17,640
Anyway, listen.
732
00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:21,760
I know what you're thinking -
all those other scandals,
733
00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:25,720
all those lives
crushed beyond repair
734
00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:30,400
by the cruel media jaws
of inexorable tragedy.
735
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:34,520
You're thinking of, erm...
736
00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:36,600
oh, God, whatshisname.
737
00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:39,320
Oh, and that other one.
738
00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:42,360
But... But listen, listen.
739
00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:44,960
You're not in their level
of trouble.
740
00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:46,240
You don't have their profile.
741
00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:49,600
Well, you may do after this, but...
742
00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:53,600
Anyway, the point is that
for every life utterly destroyed
743
00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:54,680
by this sort of thing,
744
00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:57,720
there's always someone
who gets through it perfectly well.
745
00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:02,360
Can't think of any at the moment,
but...
746
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:03,800
Oh, Bob Geldof!
747
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:06,440
He's never been in any trouble.
748
00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:09,800
He did Live Aid.
749
00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:12,880
Met him once in a Harvester
in Wandsworth.
750
00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:16,440
He's a lovely man,
despite the brogue.
751
00:33:16,440 --> 00:33:18,800
Angela Rippon.
752
00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:22,360
Met her too at a KFC.
753
00:33:22,360 --> 00:33:24,520
Beautiful woman.
754
00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:25,720
Tremendous grip strength.
755
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:30,040
In fairness, I made her angry
because I jumped the queue.
756
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:32,600
BENTLY CHUCKLES
757
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:34,480
PHONE LOCKS
758
00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:02,000
TOM: Ironic.
759
00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,480
Excuse me?
I was just thinking, ironic.
760
00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:07,960
What is?
761
00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:10,600
Well, you mistaking a driver
for a writer.
762
00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:12,480
Oh. You heard about that.
763
00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:14,560
Well, yeah. It was me.
764
00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:20,600
Yes. Yes, I know. Yeah.
That's what I meant.
765
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:24,400
Oh, OK.
So, I was just saying, ironic.
766
00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:29,000
You know why?
No.
767
00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:31,640
Cos I think I might be a writer.
OK.
768
00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:35,520
I'm having lots of concepts.
Oh, good.
769
00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:37,560
I'm having a concept
for a sitcom at the moment.
770
00:34:37,560 --> 00:34:38,680
Sitcom's dead.
771
00:34:40,680 --> 00:34:44,840
Is it?
Yep. Dead.
772
00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:46,320
Well, that's disappointing.
773
00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:49,960
Just had a concept.
TOM TUTS
774
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:51,240
Sorry.
775
00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:58,720
What's not dead?
Er, movies. Big movies.
776
00:34:58,720 --> 00:35:02,600
OK, so I should have a concept
for a movie, then? Yeah.
777
00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:11,200
You involved in movies?
778
00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:13,080
PHONE RINGS
No.
779
00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:14,400
TOBY CLEARS THROAT
780
00:35:15,400 --> 00:35:17,240
Douglas, have you chosen?
You have to choose.
781
00:35:17,240 --> 00:35:19,120
They are both prepping
to interview you.
782
00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:20,440
Oh.
783
00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:23,440
Oh, OK.
784
00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:25,640
Did you tell her?
785
00:35:27,360 --> 00:35:30,040
Right. Good.
786
00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:31,800
How did it go down?
787
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:37,720
Yeah, I bet.
TOBY CLEARS THROAT
788
00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:43,520
OK, no worries.
See you tomorrow.
789
00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:49,240
TOBY SIGHS
790
00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:55,560
I've got a concept for a movie now.
Oh, Christ.
791
00:35:56,880 --> 00:35:58,360
Er, sorry, I'm just...
792
00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:01,840
No, it's no problem.
It's, er, early stages.
793
00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:03,400
Yeah, of course. Obviously.
794
00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:13,960
So, how's the wife?
795
00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:17,640
Erm...
796
00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:53,960
DRAMATIC RUMBLING,
INTENSIFIES
797
00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:55,200
NORMAL SOUNDSCAPE
RESUMES
798
00:36:55,200 --> 00:36:58,840
So, we will treat this
like a real interview. OK?
799
00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:01,480
No pit stops this time round,
we just keep pressing on. OK?
800
00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:04,320
We'll have the recording,
we'll review afterwards.
801
00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:05,720
Yeah.
802
00:37:05,720 --> 00:37:07,600
You're really sure about this?
Of course.
803
00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:09,520
I mean her.
804
00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:13,280
Yes!
OK. Your choice, obviously.
805
00:37:13,280 --> 00:37:15,000
DOOR OPENS
806
00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:19,760
Sheila! Hi.
807
00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:21,440
I didn't know
you were coming in today.
808
00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:22,720
DOOR OPENS
809
00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:28,480
Hi! Hi, everyone.
Hi, Madeline.
810
00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:31,480
Or should I call you Emily?
811
00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:36,600
No, Kirsty - she's Scottish.
Yeah. Kirsty.
812
00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:41,640
Hello, Sheila. Come to watch?
This is gonna be fun, yeah?
813
00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:46,160
Sheila, shall we go
into the viewing room?
814
00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:49,600
We can watch from there.
Sure.
815
00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:27,920
Hey.
816
00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:35,960
God, this is ridiculous, isn't it?
I mean, you interviewing me.
817
00:38:35,960 --> 00:38:40,720
I mean... rehearsing me -
helping me, obviously.
818
00:38:49,120 --> 00:38:51,880
But it's all so ridiculous,
isn't it?
819
00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:57,240
I mean, how can there be
all this fuss about a stupid joke?
820
00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:02,360
It wasn't a joke, though, was it?
821
00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:10,440
It was a story.
And they all laughed.
822
00:39:10,440 --> 00:39:12,160
All those men laughed.
823
00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:16,840
And the story you told them
was about me.
824
00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:19,120
TOBY OVER RADIO:
'OK, studio, here we go.'
825
00:39:19,120 --> 00:39:20,840
BELL RINGS
826
00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:24,560
Stop!
827
00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:49,720
Simon, plotline for a action-comedy
movie with sequel potential.
828
00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:53,480
Simon is a man.
829
00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:21,240
No - Martin.
830
00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:26,800
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