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Ladies and gentlemen, first a message for the housewives.

Any color that seeps out from the underside of the television

is completely harmless for both man and beast

and comes right out of hair yarn and bedsheets

with a dab of lemon juice.

As the artistic color consultant of German National Television,

allow me to introduce you to our program design.

To prevent any kind of drabness from developing,

on Mondays we'll broadcast in a very, very delicate sky blue.

For Tuesdays, we came up with a wonderfully pretty pale green.

For Wednesdays, we have a thrilling beige with a charming eggplant stripe,

suitable for every TV set.

Thursdays will be in a fantastic, and I mean truly fantastic shade of pink.

For Fridays we have a very chic, perfectly iridescent purple.

On Saturdays we'll broadcast in off...

off-white.

And from 11:00 AM on Sunday morni...

...hings, in a festive warm black with tasteful pinstripes.

Perfect for full-figured viewers.

Pardon me.

Of course...

Of course, even with the most refined appreciation of color psychology,

you can't please everyone. For...

For all color TV viewers who don't share our taste in color,

on Tuesdays, from 2:30 PM to...

...3:45 PM, and on Fridays from 4:15 PM to...

...5:00 PM, on our by-channel,

we'll broadcast in an utterly atrocious brown.

Good evening.

Ladies and gentlemen,

as always, Loriot takes us on a sweeping tour of animated humor.

We hope you enjoy our presentation of... um...

of... um...

Is it time for our interview yet?

I don't know when we're on. The red light on the camera is broken.

Hello?

Can anybody hear me back there?

Hello?

Is there a technical problem? -Don't ask me.

What was that? -Don't ask me.

Why not? I didn't understand what you said.

I said, "Don't ask me."

Yes, I got that, but what did you say before?

Nothing, and you? What did you say?

I just didn't understand what you said.

No, what did you say first, right at the beginning?

I asked if there was a technical problem.

Well, don't ask me. -Pardon?

Mr. Hippentraut, you're a bunny hatcher.

That's an unusual occupation, no?

Yes, oh yes. -And how...

I mean... you hatch bunny eggs?

Yes, oh yes, bunny eggs. -Uh-huh.

Does that require any special training?

Just a uniform body temperature.

And a love of eggs, bunny eggs. -Of course.

Small children still think the Easter Bunny hides his eggs himself.

But that's a lie. -Really?

The Easter Bunny's eggs are taken from him at Easter!

Stolen, in secret. -You're kidding!

Stolen, hidden, and eaten.

Young bunny lives destroyed before they can even hatch!

Bunnies are doomed to extinction. -Outrageous!

And you... -So we save what's left of the eggs.

And hatch them, my wife and I. -Of course.

Our young Easter bunnies are sent to bunny lovers around the world.

To Nord-Rhein Westphalia, Baden-Württemberg...

Do you use... -Schleswig-Holstein, Lower Saxony...

Do you use... -... Bremen, Cuba...

Do you use... -... Brazil, Poland, Chile...

...Mexico... -Do you use a machine to hatch them?

How exactly is it done? -No, all eggs are hatched by hand.

We sit on them. -Of course.

What a nice, rewarding occupation!

Yes, oh yes, but we're the last bunny hatchers in Europe.

When we're gone, it'll be a catastrophe! -Of course.

In ten years, we'll only have plastic bunnies and no eggs whatsoever.

Mr. Hupentrat? -Hippentraut.

Mr. Hippentraut, you wanted to show us... -Yes, oh yes.

I've just finished hatching a bunny egg. -Oh!

I think it's time.

The bunny is hatching?

Yes, there it is!

That's not a bunny, Mr. Hippentraut. -Yes, oh yes!

How embarrassing, Mr. Rösner!

But shouldn't you...? -"Shouldn't, shouldn't!"

It happens once in 1000 eggs! How should I know?

But you should know! -I'm not the one in the egg!

Are you a bunny hatcher, or am I? -I am!

Right! Good evening.

May I politely inform you that my train leaves in an hour?

As soon as they give me the sign... -Well, if you wish to interview me...

I'm just waiting for the red light. Once we get the signal, we'll start.

In all my years at this channel, this has never happened!

Well, I have no intention of sleeping here at the studio.

Right!

My wife is a Capricorn.

I have a long-haired dachshund.

I'm a Pisces.

Capricorn and Pisces are a good match.

Once I had two long-haired dachshunds. That was a nightmare.

It depends on the ascendant, of course.

They need to run, have to be brushed daily,

and have all sorts of ear problems.

Capricorns are actually very stubborn.

Would you like to see a photo of my wife?

No, thank you.

Professor Mutzenberger,

you won the Nobel Prize

for the first successful transformation of a woman into a rabbit.

In 1953, I successfully put

the head of a 40-year-old postal worker onto a 2-year-old rabbit.

She carried on working at the counter for years,

married an older wild rabbit,

and today, now that she's divorced,

she lives in seclusion at a Heidelberg pet shop.

Mr... Rösner,

women per se, in their current form,

have long been considered outdated. -Of course.

Not to mention the menacing surplus of women, on the one hand,

and the tangible lack of high-quality rabbits on the other hand.

Professor... -And it's a well-known fact

that over 70% of all husbands

would prefer living with a rabbit, don't you know?

Of course.

Is that your wife in your arms?

No, this is the companion of the chairman of the supervisory board

of the Duisburg Steel Corporation.

She's a fine specimen, is she not?

Professor, how can one tell real rabbits

from artificial women... No, I mean how can you tell

real women from artificial rabbits?

I mean, can you tell an unnatural, female rabbit...

How can you tell a woman transformed into a rabbit...

...from a totally normal rabbit?

...from a real rabbit-rabbit?

Is there any way to somehow... -To physically tell them apart.

So, Professor Mutzenberger

as far as I know, your wife volunteered for the first experiments.

Did she... I mean, is she...

Sadly, the first experiment was unsatisfactory.

It only resulted in her growing strong incisors, very long ears

and a little, bushy...

...bushy tail. -I see.

Yes, so for her bushy tail,

we cut a little hole... -Thank you for joining us, Professor.

Good evening.

Are we on yet?

I don't know.

Hello?

No, I don't think so.

Do you know Belinski?

No. -Gunther Belinski?

No.

He was in my class, in 1938.

Then he moved to Böblingen and got married.

Aha.

Have you ever been to Böblingen? -No.

Never? -No.

Do you know Hartmut Schöttel? -No.

He's in his early fifties too now.

Aha. -But very amusing. I met him once.

In Krefeld.

Do you know Heinz Riedel? -No.

Do you know Professor Dumb? -No.

See?

Ladies and gentlemen, in wide swaths of the population

a totally unwarranted mistrust continues to prevail

concerning the so-called "people's drug."

As State Health Department Spokesman,

it is my duty to illustrate the uses and effects

of this beneficial drug.

Welcome, Mr. Eugene Jensch. -Good evening.

He's been dejected for years and sees the future,

both domestically and politically, as drab and gloomy.

He is relatively useless.

As part of our awareness campaign,

Mr. Jensch was kind enough to volunteer

and will take the people's drug here before our very eyes.

Here you are, Mr. Jensch.

So, Mr. Jensch, do you feel anything... positive?

Of course it takes a certain...

Mr. Jensch would like to tell us what he's feeling.

Life has meaning for Mr. Jensch again.

His family is doing well,

everything is fine professionally.

He feels differently about political protest,

about taxes, about the federal election,

about foreign affairs and the Chinese,

about life after death...

As you can see, ladies and gentlemen,

through correct use of our new, affordable people's drug,

a modern, well-balanced person was formed.

Healthy, happy, useful, and optimistic.

A man ready to master the future.

In short, the picture of a model citizen.

Just ask your pharmacist. Good evening.

There's the red light. -Where?

There. -Where? Oh, yes.

Professor... -I'm no longer in the mood.

Professor Heubel, you are the chair of plasmatic pleutology.

Pneumatic plastology. -Ah.

What exactly is plasmatic pleutology?

Pneumatic plastology is based on new findings in the field of psychosomatics.

Mar-vel-ous.

What is that, in a nutshell? -A breathing technique.

Exactly. And? -What, and?

And what? Breathing and what?

I can't be bothered to explain it to you anymore.

We're on the air, and this is a public broadcasting corporation.

So what? -This is a public building.

Great. -Turn it off! Turn the damn camera off!

First you tell me on the phone, this interview will take five minutes,

then I sit here all evening,

and now you harass me with these impertinent questions?

Others would be glad to get their nonsense on TV.

Fine.

Pneumatic plastology enables us, using breathing techniques,

to make plastic changes to the body. Period!

But it requires extreme concentration.

Can you demonstrate? -Of course.

Then please do. - I need total silence, please.

Mar-vel-ous!

Is that... Does that... um...

Can you do that with any body part?

Of course. Watch this.

No, no, maybe it's better if... -Total silence, please.

Yes, yes, yes!

Mar-vel-ous!

But how is that useful? -Useful?

Mr... um... -Gilling.

Mr. Gilling, scientists work selflessly, in the service of mankind.

Science is not about usefulness, it's about progress.

Aha. But it looks so... unaesthetic.

Nature is always aesthetic. -Professor Heubel,

could I too

use the breathing technique to alter my body?

Of course. -Now?

Hold your breath. -Yes?

Lift your diaphragm, concentrate on a body part.

Yes, yes? -Push slightly.

Now harder.

There you go. -Mar-vel-ous! Now change it back.

Why? -Our time is up.

Oh, okay.

What about me? -Exhale.

Relax the diaphragm. -Yes?

Relax. -I am!

More. -I can't!

Don't cramp up. -No, no!

My God, do as I say! -I am!

You're making a real hash of it. -I'm doing exactly what you say!

But the thing won't shrink. -I see that!

Think of something cold. -I can't.

Come see me in August during office hours.

Thank you for joining us. -You're welcome.

Ladies and gentlemen,

are you aware that,

within our prosperous society there is a demographic group in need

that not even the reform plans of a socialist government

managed to address?

Vampires are a minority group in the Federal Republic of Germany.

As voters, they are thus of no real significance.

Not long ago a hot topic of conversation,

today vampires have practically been forgotten altogether.

What is being done for aging, or innocent vampires in need?

Nothing! On the contrary!

In violation of the constitution,

we are deliberately prevented from exercising our way of life.

There are known cases where respectable vampires

were publicly persecuted

because they removed, in the nicest way possible,

blood from nocturnal pedestrians.

Healthy vampires require one to two liters

of fresh ladies' or men's blood each night.

In return, they abstain from pastries, fruit, cheese, and vegetables.

As a result of the public's hostile stance,

an alarming degree of severe depression and nutritional damage

is running rampant, especially among vampire youth.

In the year 1970, in Rhineland-Palatinate alone,

more than 2,000 vampires between the ages of 200 to 300 years old

became bedridden.

What kind of government spends billions on defense each year,

yet refuses to give even one drop of blood to its vampires?

Something's just not right!

It's the eleventh hour.

We appeal to the public.

Who will donate blood, coffins, warm blankets, and false teeth?

Who will host young vampires over summer vacation?

To give quickly is to give doubly.

Send monetary donations to post office account:

I've got a terrific surprise in store for you.

Starting July 1, '93, everyone will receive an even longer zip code.

Five digits! A five-digit zip code! At no extra cost!

Long sausages cost more than short ones.

But the new, longer zip codes don't.

You get more zip code for the same money.

And every single letter will usually arrive the very next day.

You won't have to wait days for bills, late fees, and fines.

No! You'll usually have them within 24 hours,

right on your desk!

Just to let you know, so you have something to look forward to.

Stop, stop, stop!

Mr. Meckelreiter, you are the most prominent living whistler...

Artful whistler! -"Artful whistler," yes.

Where have you... Where do you currently artfully whistle?

I'm currently on tour in Europe.

Tonight I'm artfully whistling at the Herkulessaal,

with the Berlin Philharmonic. -And your whistling...

I mean, you've been whistling the way you whistle...

I mean, you've always whistled the way you whistle now?

My first public whistling was in 1954

at the Hanover Stud Bull Auction,

and then at the 1956 Salzburg Festival.

I whistled at the coronation of Queen Elizabeth,

at the German parliament's first session,

several times at the UN, and for the Supreme Soviet.

Fantastic. Could you give us a little sample

of your... art? -Gladly, gladly.

Aha.

But that... um... That... um...

That's not... I mean, don't get me wrong.

But that's not art. -How dare you!

My first public whistling was in 1954... -Yes, yes...

at the Hanover Stud Bull Auction... -Yes, yes...

In 1956 at the Salzburg Festival... -Yes, yes.

At the coronation of Queen Elizabeth and the first session of parliament.

And for the President of the United States.

Yes, but surely you didn't whistle like that for President Nixon!

Apparently artistic matters elude your judgement, Mr. Rösner.

Can you even whistle? -Of course.

I'm listening.

What a crude tone!

Listen to this.

I don't know, Mr. Meckelreiter... - I admit, I didn't hit the note perfectly.

But the overall artistic concept is what matters.

Modern compositions call for intellectual collaboration.

What's more, contemporary music takes some getting used to.

Of course it's not easy listening like Peter Alexander.

Thank you very much, Mr. Meckelreiter.

There you have it!

Give me an A. -A.

A. -A...

We will now sing "Rose on the Heath." Go ahead.

Stop, stop, stop! -What is it?

Nothing. -Give me an A.

A

We will now sing "Rose on the Heath." Go ahead.

Stop, stop, stop! I thought this song was different!

Even more different? -How?

No complaining. We're here to sing. -Where? -What?

What will we sing? -How would I know?

Then we'll sing the national anthem. -Which one?

None of your business.

Three, four...

No, no, no!

It's my first time at a racetrack.

But since you're so knowledgeable, perhaps you can teach me a few things.

Okay, listen! Number one's coming up!

Olejnik on Daisy!

He's riding on a flower?

It's not a flower.

It's a horse. Just like you're not a man, but a twit!

Gosh, that's mean!

Here we go! Number 4: Otto Schmidt on Electrola!

Ah, so he's singing?

Wait, let me tell you something. He's the one to bet on!

I've got it on good authority. If he wants to, he does it.

If he doesn't, then he didn't want to.

So he doesn't want to?

No, if he doesn't, then he didn't want to or he couldn't.

He couldn't?

Oh, how embarrassing!

Oh well. Oh well, horses are just people, too.

Quiet, quiet! They're going to the starting boxes.

They're going? -To the starting boxes.

Do they walk around all year like that, or what?

Not here, but in France in places like Auteuil, Biarritz, or Ars.

In the Ars, as well?

Oh, aren't you common!

Oh, here we go! They're off! One, two, three!

Now they're going to finish!

They're going to finish?

Right there on the grass?

Where are they running? Where are they running to?

My God! Where are they running?

Wait, wait! He's still up front! He's still up front!

Where are they running? Who's going to win?

The one who comes in first, of course. -I'll definitely know when he comes.

Where are they running? Where are they running to?

Hopefully they won't get lost, right?

Where are they running? -Use your binoculars, for God's sake!

Why didn't you say so?

Where are they running? All I see is black.

What's that about?

Ah, I was looking in the wrong end. That happens.

Where are they running?

Where are they running, for God's sake?

Where are they running?

Where are...

Oh, did I get a shock!

I can only see your silly face.

Look that way!

Don't stare at me! The horses are that way!

The horses are over there?

Oh!

Oh, how beautiful!

Oh, how beautiful!

What beautiful green grass!

No offense, but I can't say I've ever met a dumber fellow.

Who? -You! -Me? -Yes!

Could you maybe take that back? -Who?

You. -Me? -Yes. -No.

Then we're done here.

Three, four...

Oh a kiss comes naturally

Love is all there needs to be

If you're poor or if you're rich

If you're a 1st, or a 2nd, or a 3rd class passenger

Can't be discerned from a kiss

Though it's something not to miss

'Cause it's critical, awfully critical

When it means "I love you"

Oh a kiss comes naturally

Love is all there needs to be

If you're poor or if you're rich

If you're a 1st, or a 2nd, or a 3rd class passenger

Can't be discerned from a kiss

Though it's something not to miss

'Cause it's critical, awfully critical

When it means "I love you"

'Cause it's critical, awfully critical

When it means, "I love you"

What am I to do? I don't have a clue

How a kiss is born

Don't worry for hours Just go buy her flowers

Till it's obvious

I'll bring you flowers Kiss your hand so gallantly

All the rest comes naturally

I know where this is headed I think I finally get it

How a kiss is born

A kiss comes naturally

Love is all there needs to be

If you're poor or if you're rich

If you're a 1st, or 2nd, or a 3rd class passenger

Can't be discerned from a kiss

Though it's something not to miss

'Cause it's critical, awfully critical

When it means "I love you"

'Cause it's critical, awfully critical

When it means "I love you"

Ladies and gentlemen,

it may dismay the nation to know that German humor,

once a leading, quality product on the world market,

now only makes up 0.02% of the export rate.

But is it the Chederal Fancellor ... Excuse me.

Is the Federal Chancellor alone to blame?

How can we guarantee the steady growth of the humor product

if, statistically speaking, 1 in 9 northern German housewives

giggle at second-rate, often lewd jokes several times a day?

In Baden-Württemberg, humor consumption has increased by 18.6%,

and by 21.2% in Rhineland-Palatinate compared to 1928 levels.

By the way, these numbers don't include jokes about sex or the Berlin Wall.

What's more, the United States government insists,

for the current economic year,

on the purchase of about 3,800 outdated American jokes.

The burden lies with the taxpayer.

So, ladies and gentlemen...

Pardon me.

It cannot and must not go on like this.

There's nothing wrong with an occasional laugh among friends,

but if, at a leading manufacturer of women's overgarments in Stuttgart,

in January alone, a confirmed 286 jokes are told,

of which it is unclear if, and to what extent,

the board of directors... and perhaps in turn the union...

or the works council within the company

must've, should've, could've been informed.

Good evening.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Our guest tonight is Dr. Sommer

the founder and director of the Animal College

in Cuxhaven, and his best friend and student.

Ladies and gentlemen,

more and more cases are being reported of dogs watching hours of evening TV,

then having trouble sleeping, having nightmares or stuttering.

These undeniably serious emotional disturbances

can no longer be carelessly ignored.

Television network programs tend to be better suited

to mid-sized, long-haired dogs than to tiny, short-haired dogs.

Fat dogs are more inclined to watch political and educational programs,

whereas entertainment programming appeals more to thin dogs.

That's not to say that some big, fat, short-haired dogs

or tiny, fat, long-haired dogs

can't enjoy programs for tiny, long, short-haired dogs

and short, fat, long-haired dogs.

Sadly, TV guides fail to clearly label programs

when it comes to their suitability for our four-legged friends.

Crime movies with brutal or offensive material should be avoided altogether.

Robust dogs react with headaches,

while more delicate dogs may react with deafness and constipation.

Political programs are often unsuitable as well.

One Saint Bernard in Dusseldorf

watched a session of the German parliament,

then suffered dizzy spells and hick-ups for two weeks.

In summary,

small, fat dogs or big, long dogs

and small, thin, long-haired or fat, short-haired dogs

shouldn't watch TV after 9:00 PM.

Fat long-ears and thin short-ears, and dogs between two and eight years old

should consult a doctor before watching.

Good evening.

Dr. Sommer, you've been giving this dog speech training for years.

Yes, sir. -In German?

Correct. -And you were successful?

That's right. -So, the dog can speak?

Yes, sir. -Speak like a person?

Yes. -That's sen-sational!

What's its name? -Bello.

What can he say? -Anything.

Like what, for example? -Say something.

You want me to say something? -Yes.

I can speak, for God's sake. The dog should say something!

Yes, but tell him what to say.

How about the name of some famous actor?

Doesn't matter which one. Who's that blond one?

Heinz Rühmann? -No, the other one.

Curd Jürgens? -No, it starts with "F".

With "F"? -Or "P".

Marlene Dietrich? -That's close.

Wasn't he in that movie? -Which one?

The one by that Italian director. The name escapes me.

Starting with "1"? -It sounds like a car manufacturer.

BMW? -No, no.

That soccer player comes to mind. -Which soccer player?

The one who shot the goal at the final. -Where? In Hamburg?

No. -In Bremen?

No! Um...

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's high time we speak out.

The lifestyle of the German domestic pig is becoming,

both intellectually and morally,

scandalous.

Not even a Grade A pig can serve as a role model

if it swaps its mate several times a year

and is generally only interested in carnal matters.

Of course, inside every sow lies a swine.

But is that any reason to sit back and do nothing?

Hoggishly speaking, a swine may be beastly

if a piggish...

...piggish...

...pig-gish...

Because a swine is more apt than a sow

to meet mental-animal demands.

This development is due to the extreme caution of responsible parties

when dealing with unknown, young swines.

Therefore we demand living conditions

which enable even young swines to entertain the desire

to enter into the bond of marriage with just one other swine.

Because only a boaring, close-nit family life

has the potential to one day become a truly monumental pigsty.

Good evening.

Dr. Sommer, what method did you use to teach the dog to talk,

and how long did it take?

I taught this dog for over four years eight hours a day,

using speech repetition, tongue exercises and an intensive breathing technique.

Sen-sational.

Dr. Sommer, could the dog say something now?

Sure.

Bello, say: "Paw."

I see.

Now, perhaps, something longer.

What topic would you like? -It doesn't matter.

Perhaps something political? -No, no.

Something church-related? -Please, no.

What then?

Something nice and normal. -All right.

Bello, say: "Otto walks tall along the garden wall."

You do have to listen very carefully. -Botanical topics aren't really his thing.

All right, then something church-related.

Sure.

Bello, say:

"Nine nuns haul balls to the ball hall."

I don't know, sir.

I don't know

if this dog is up to handling that topic.

Maybe we should avoid church-related issues.

As you wish.

Then something political after all?

No, no. -An economic topic?

Yes, please. -Nuclear power?

No. Absolutely not.

Political statements from dogs are not welcome on TV.

But I assure you... -No, no.

I assure you the dog is expressing his own opinion,

with no political angle.

Nuclear power is a political angle.

So what if it is? -Politicians, not dogs should address it.

Bello has the right to address it, just like a politician.

He doesn't know what he's saying. -Like a politician.

Well, fine. But no more than a minute.

Bello, say:

"Otto Maul is feeling small in the squall without nuclear power."

Such remarks needlessly heat up the debate.

Fine.

Bello, say:

"Otto Kohl bought a shawl from the stall in the shopping mall."

Now that has no topical relevance whatsoever.

Can't he say anything about TV-related issues?

Bello, say: "Talk show."

Dr. Sommer, may I be frank? -Well, what?

This dog can't talk at all.

How dare you!

He has command of just a single letter.

Something similar to "O."

What did he say now?

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

Bertha. -Yes?

This egg is hard.

This egg is hard.

I heard you.

How long did the egg boil for?

Too many eggs aren't healthy.

I'm asking how long this egg boiled.

You always want it to boil for four and a half minutes.

I know that. -Then why are you asking?

Because this egg can't have boiled for four and a half minutes.

But I boil it for four and a half minutes every morning.

So why is it sometimes too hard or too soft?

I don't know. I'm not a chicken.

Oh.

Then how do you know when the egg's done?

Good Lord! I take it out after four and a half minutes.

According to the timer?

According to my gut. A housewife feels it in her gut.

In your gut?

What do you have in your gut?

I feel it in my gut when the egg is soft.

But it's hard.

Maybe your gut feeling's off.

My gut feeling is off ?

I stand in the kitchen all day, do the laundry,

pick up your things, make the place cozy, struggle with the kids,

and you say my gut feeling is off?

When you do it according to your gut, it only boils

for four and a half minutes by chance.

What does it matter to you if the egg boils that long by chance

as long as it boils for four and a half minutes?

I'd just like an egg that's soft

and not an egg that's soft by chance.

I don't care how long it boils.

Aha! You don't care.

So you don't care if I slave away at the stove for four and a half minutes?

No, no. -Well, you should care.

The egg has to boil for four and a half minutes.

That's what I said!

But you just said you didn't care.

I'd just like to have a soft-boiled egg.

God! Men are so unsophisticated.

I'm going to kill her!

Tomorrow I'm going to kill her!

I don't have to work in television.

I mean, I'm not dependent on it.

Hermann? -Yes?

What are you doing in there?

Nothing. -Nothing?

Why nothing?

I'm doing nothing.

Not a thing?

No.

Nothing at all?

No, I'm sitting here.

You're sitting there?

Yes.

But you must be doing something!

No.

Are you thinking about anything?

Nothing in particular.

It wouldn't do you any harm if you went for a little walk.

No, no. -I'll get you your coat.

No, thank you. -But it's too cold without a coat.

But I'm not going for a walk.

But just now you wanted to.

No, you wanted me to go for a walk.

Me? I don't care a jot whether you go for a walk or not.

Good.

I just said it wouldn't do you any harm

if you went for a little walk.

No, it wouldn't do me any harm.

So what is it you want then?

I want to sit here.

You sure can drive a person crazy!

Oh?

First you want to go for a walk, then you don't.

Then you want me to get your coat, then you don't.

Well, what'll it be? -I want to sit here.

Now, suddenly, you want to sit there.

Not suddenly at all.

I've wanted to sit here the whole time.

To sit?

I want to sit here and relax.

If you really wanted to relax,

you'd stop yapping at me the whole time.

I'm not saying anything anymore.

Right now you have time

to do something that you enjoy.

Yes.

Are you reading something? -Not at the moment.

Then read something!

Later. Maybe later.

Just go get your magazines.

I'd like to sit here a while longer first.

Should I get them for you?

No, no. Thanks though.

So the gentleman wants to be waited on too, hm?

I'm on my feet all day long.

You could get up and get your magazines for once.

I don't want to read right now.

First you want to read, then you don't.

I simply want to sit here.

Just do whatever you enjoy.

That's what I'm doing!

Then stop your constant bellyaching.

Hermann?

Are you deaf?

No, no. -But you're not doing what you enjoy.

You're just sitting there instead.

I'm sitting here because l enjoy it.

Don't get so aggressive all of a sudden!

I'm not being aggressive.

Then why are you yelling at me like that?

I'm not yelling at you!

Why did the TV have to break today of all days?

They deliberately design television sets so they break after a little while.

I don't really need to watch television.

Neither do I.

Not just because the set's broken today, but anyhow.

I don't like watching TV anyhow.

There really isn't anything on TV that one really wants to watch.

Thank God we don't need to bother looking at the idiot box today.

No.

But it looks like you're looking at it.

Me? -Yes.

No, I'm just looking in that general direction.

But you're looking at it. You keep looking at it.

Me? I'm looking at it?

What makes you say that? -It looks that way.

It can't look that way.

I'm looking past it,

intentionally looking past it.

And if you'd pay a little bit more attention to me

you'd notice me intentionally looking past it.

But you're not interested in me at all. -Yes, yes, yes, yes...

We could look somewhere totally different for once.

Somewhere different? Like where?

To the side, or behind us.

Behind us?

You want me to look behind me?

You want me to look behind me just because the TV's broken?

I'm not going to let a television set dictate where I look.

What would've been on today anyway?

An entertainment program.

It sure is outrageous

what they show on television night in and night out.

I don't know why we even watch it anymore.

We could read, play cards or go to the movies.

Or go to the theater.

Instead we all sit around

and stare at the stupid shows on TV.

Well, today the set is broken.

Thank God.

We can at least have a chat for once.

Or go to bed early.

I go to bed after the eleven o'clock news.

But the television is broken!

I'm not going to let a broken television

dictate when it's time for me to go to bed!

Professor Schleppenbach,

humanity has you to thank for a discovery of immeasurable importance.

Huh? What? Oh, yeah.

As head of the Lunar Biology Institute in Husum

you analyzed samples of lunar rock collected by Armstrong and Aldrin.

You were the first to discover life on it.

Uh... Yeah. -And?

And what? -What did you observe?

While using an electron microscope I came across living organisms.

First, I found footprints, cigarette butts, food scraps, etc.,

then the moon inhabitants themselves.

Food scraps?

Uh-huh.

And what do they look like, these...

these... -What?

Moon inhabitants?

They look like, uh... people.

Uh-huh. -Smaller, of course.

Smaller, much smaller.

Uh-huh. -They can't be seen with the naked eye.

Roughly 44,000 of them live on this rock,

in two small cities and 16 village communities.

The coexistence of earth and moon inhabitants

does not present a serious problem from a scientific standpoint.

No, no.

Nothing speaks against marriage-like relationships

between earth and moon inhabitants either.

No, no. -Yes.

However, the difference in body sizes does require

a degree of quantitative adjustment.

Of course. -Yes.

For example, in my view, it's legitimate for a healthy woman to insist

that her life partner can be made out without a microscope.

Right. -Yes.

According to my conservative estimate she would have a right to... Hold on...

100,000 to 120,000

male lunar spouses.

They would cover an area the size of a pea when arranged closely together.

Her husband would be visible to the naked eye,

yet is unlikely to be considered an annoyance.

An eminently satisfactory result.

Thank you, professor.

Good evening.

President,

ladies and gentlemen.

The German noodle...

The German noodle has become a point of interest on the world stage

since West Germany began noodling more noodle dough

than Britain and France combined.

At the upcoming

European Economic Community Council of Ministers meeting

German broad noodles must prove to be of superiority quality

or we will face a noodle crisis...

or we will face a noodle crisis of unimaginable proportions.

On a related note, I would like express my regret regarding a press release.

In my last conversation with the president of France,

I did not say anything

about a broad range of inadequate noodles.

I did, rather, speak of an inadequate range of broad noodles.

It is shameful

that left-wing intellectual students, of all people,

miss the mark on the noodle issue.

Are those who come together in communes even aware of

the crucial role the curly broad noodle plays

in the political consciousness of the German people?

Left-wing intellectuals' discomfort with the tumultuous development

of the German pasta industry...

cannot prevent us from continuing our work.

Unwavering, businesslike

and noodle conscious.

In the coming days we will find out

if the noodle will be the undoing of the grand coalition

or if it will spark newfound shared inspiration.

I don't know of any left-wing or right...

right-wing noodle.

There is only a single

German noodle!

I now welcome to the studio Dr...

Borst. -Borst.

And Mr. Hans-Friedrich Claassen.

Perhaps you should start, Dr. Borst.

Back then in the German parliament

it was you who broached the broad... the green bean topic and claimed.

I claimed nothing.

Now listen here, you...

Let me finish. -I...

In the German parliament

you went on about the fromage frais import ban for two hours without...

Not here! -Well, I didn't claim...

But you can't deny... -Ah!

You can't deny... -What are you implying?

Am I being unclear? -I can't follow you.

Admit it. - I will...

Admit it. - I will...

Admit it. -What?

Yes! Yes... That the... that...

That you... the... uh... -Well?

Thank you. That's enough. -Not for me.

The green bean transcends all party... -Oh!

Don't interrupt me. -Now I'd like...

I didn't interrupt you! I'm repeating what I repeated in the parliament.

Uh-huh. -Right?

Now I'd... -Right?

You don't get... -You said that! Right?

Yes, sir. And you'll be interested... -Now I'd like...

But I don't want to interrupt. -What will interest whom?

The public will be interested in how you and your faction

interpreted Council of Ministers' Communiqué IV-2 Item 394-398

of September 28, 1967

regarding the "fresh vegetable” supplementary clause.

Where were you during the debate on standardizing the general terms

for tax breaks on minor proceeds

from medium-sized agricultural waste, Mr. Borst?

You didn't answer my question. -Where were you?

You didn't answer my question. -Where were you?

Ladies and gentlemen, we are running out of time.

Let us summarize.

Has the green bean issue

undermined the belief in parliamentarism in West Germany or not?

Yes or no? Or how or what?

I note that you have failed to... -Your spurious arguments damage the...

That is indicative of the dubious... -I once again point to

your messed-up manipulation of the "fresh vegetable" clause.

Thank you.

This debate hasn't conclusively answered the questions that have been raised.

However, we can say with some...

with some certitude...

good evening.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the state of foreign and domestic affairs in...

in West Germany

must currently be described as ideal.

In particular,

the issue of the relationship with East Germany

can now be resolved to the satisfaction

of all parties.

The approach

is astoundingly simple.

An att...

The West German foreign minister

and the chairman of the East German Council of Ministers

are in complete agreement that...

After all, it isn't all that difficult for the West German government...

That means... That means

we establish a very natural link...

That automatically creates...

Every individual can...

Please... Please, please...

So it is...

Mr. Bollmann,

your trip is of vital importance

in solving all of the world's problems.

Where will you be having your first talk?

Yes, indeed. -I see.

Where will you be flying first?

First I will be flying to...

to... to thingamajig.

I see. You'll be speaking to important...

You'll be speaking to important people there.

I'll be conferring with the president of the United States.

With President...

With... Well... -With...

Don't say it. With...

I know it. With...

And the topic? I mean, what will you talk about?

What, as it were. -It starts with N.

Why?

Nixon. Nixon's his name. I know it!

I see. -Nixon, Nixon.

Nixon, Nixon, Nixon! -Yes.

And what will you...

And what will you confer about?

About the key issues in world politics.

I see. I see. -I'm to give Mr. Nixon a real...

Courteously, of course -Of course.

Of course. Then I'll go see Queen Elizabeth.

Unbelievable! -And to her husband, Mr. Wilson.

Fantastic!

Who... -For example, my wife hoped...

Who gave you... -My wife...

...this mission... - I said my wife...

...this wife... No, I mean... -My mission...

My wife... -Who gave you this weighty wife...

What? -Right!

I mean, who entrusted you with this weighty global mission?

The United Nations, the West German Chancellor

and the head of the CDU/CSU parliamentary group,

my dear friend Reinhard Brazel.

Barzel? -Brazel or Barzel.

I'll find that out. -But if he's a friend...

Mr. Rösner, I have more than 12,000 very close friends across the globe

and I can't remember every name, you know?

That's your problem, Mr...

Bollmann.

I don't want to seem impolite, but I'd really like to be alone now.

Who are you?

My name's Miller-Lüdenscheidt.

Klöbner, Dr. Kiöbner.

Pleasure. -Pleasure.

Can you tell me why you're sitting in my tub?

I came up from the ping-pong room and got the wrong room.

This hotel is confusing.

You're still bathing although you know you're in someone else's tub.

You can't call this bathing. There's no water.

When I got in the tub you were in hot water.

But you let it out.

Because you drew the bath, Dr. Klöbner.

I draw my own bathwater in my bathtub.

Then draw it.

I draw my bathwater when I see fit to do so.

Of course.

Pretty chilly, just sitting in the tub like this.

I sometimes like sitting in the tub without water.

Oh. -What do you mean "oh"?

Oh, you said you like sitting in the tub without water, and I said, "Oh."

Uh-huh. -I could have said "uh-huh" instead.

But I wanted to express my astonishment at the fact that you prefer

sitting in the tub without water.

Dr. Klöbner, I head a very important heavy industry company

and am not accountable to you in my tub.

No, no.

I decide myself if I bathe with or without water.

Yes. -And I only said...

Mr. Muller-Lüdenscheidt... -Let me finish.

I said, when the situation requires it

I am more than capable of taking a bath without water.

Of course.

And I will not be forced by anyone to have my bath with or without water.

Of course not. -Including you, Dr. Klöbner.

Miller-Lüdenscheidt, it is conceivable

that certain arguments exist in favor of filling the tub with water now.

How can you be the judge of that? -This isn't my first bath.

Oh! -I speak from experience.

A warm bath with water is more useful than one without.

That is your own personal opinion, Dr. Kiöbner.

But one can be of a different opinion. -Oh, yeah?

You don't have the luxury of having your own opinion in my tub.

Mr. Miller-Lüdenscheidt! -Dr. Klöbner!

I will draw the bathwater when you ask me politely.

Please. -Politely.

Politely.

There we go.

Director Bartels, you are...

I head the giftware sector's leading company,

and wondered if anyone at all knows what they should gift their loved ones.

No one knows that, hm? -Mm-hmm. And so you...

So I released the Original Bartels' Family User, hm?

For the gent, the lady and the child, hm?

I see. Splendid. Absolutely fabulous, ma'am.

And what can you... How should you... I mean, what do...

Pardon? -How do you use the Family Employer?

Family User, Mr. Rösner.

Original Family User, hm?

I see. Family Original...

It is a product that draws you in with its pleasing form.

It is shapely, weather-resistant, silent, skin-friendly,

low-maintenance, totally pointless

and can be pulled out, for an extra charge.

It is a gift that brings joy to the gent, the lady and the child, hm?

I see.

So it is, in the broadest sense, a Family Utilizer...

User! Family User. I already told you that, hm?

I was just about to say

you use the Family Employer less as a practical...

You should utilize the Family User as a user.

Good Lord, am I being that unclear?

I was just asking if the use of the Family...

the employment of the Family User is just for family utilization or...

What?

Whether you use the Original Family User only as a family user

or if you can utilize it, say, with friends...

Mr. Rösner, I am at a public broadcasting corporation

and will not allow you to push my buttons like this, hm?

I'll say it again to make it perfectly clear:

anyone with a modicum of education can userize the Original Family Empluser

but not empluse it as a userizer, hm?

I see.

Thank you, Director Bartels.

You're very welcome.

What are you doing? -Adding some colder water.

Very attentive,

but I would like a smidgen more hot water.

Now, if I could just add a dash of cold water...

That was a fraction too much. -Huh!

A few drops of hot and I think we can come to an agreement.

Does that work? -Oh, yes. Thanks.

You're most welcome. The duck stays put!

Mr. Miller-Lüdenscheidt! -The duck stays put!

Sir, I always bathe with that duck!

Not with me.

But I only met you today. -Let the duck in, I'll let the water out.

These are your company's gangster tactics!

Dr. Klöbner! -Mr. Muller-Lüdenscheidt!

Call yourself an academic? Hah! -So what now?

I'll let the water out if you let the duck in.

I'm putting my duck in.

Where's the plug? -You're sitting on it.

Do you know that lots of people don't even have a tub?

Ah, you're a lefty too, are you?

Mr. Müller-Lüdenscheidt -Dr. Klöbner!

Good heavens, let the duck in.

No. My duck is not sharing the same water as you.

Put the duck in now!

Out of the question! -Then I'll go under until you do.

Please do. -I mean it. I'll count to three.

One,

two,

three.

"Advent."

Blue nurns the tight

Pardon me.

"Advent."

Blue turns the night

The little stars shimmer

As little snowflakes quietly fall hither

On a noble fir's green treetop

A little white tip does pile up

There, at the window A light breaks through

Piercing the dark fir, warm and new

A candle flickers in the forester's house

In the study kneels the forester's spouse

On this most lovely of nights

She's killed the forester out of spite

For in her efforts to keep the house tidy

He'd long hindered her something mighty

So she decided one fine day

That on St. Nick's night he would pay

As the little reindeer lay down in bed

And the bunny went to rest its head

She aimed between her husband's eyes

And shot him there despite his cries

Only the bunny, awoken by the blast

Twitched its nose four times fast

Then in darkness slept sweetly on

Stars gleaming cozily in the sky beyond

In the warm parlor below

The forester's blood Onto the floor did flow

His wife must now make haste

To chop up her husband and leave no waste

Like a hunter she strips him to the bone

Skinning and gutting him all alone

She carefully puts member upon member

An act to which he did not endeavor

She puts a piece of sirloin aside

For her Christmas feast at eventide

At the end, it is nearly four

She wraps the rest and cleans the floor

Then, from afar, silver bells ring

From the village one hears dogs barking

Who on earth is out so late at night

Making his rounds as snow alights?

It's Santa's helper with a golden sleigh

He rides a stag as he comes her way

Hey, dear lady, have you anything spare

To bring joy to poor people out there?

The forester's house is buried in snow

But his wife is ready to go

These six bundles, holy man

Are all that I have here at hand

The silver bells quietly ring

Santa's helper sets off to do his thing

Inside the candle burns, not yet spent

A little star shimmers

It is Advent

There you are again.

Yes, indeed. -Watch this.

Dr. Klöbner?

Listen here.

If you don't resurface now, I'm leaving the tub.

Anyone can hold their breath.

What do you say to that? -You bore me.

I can do it longer than you. -There are more important things.

Like what? -Honesty, tolerance.

Yes, yes. -Courage, decency, helpfulness.

Proficiency, tenacity. -Yes.

Cleanliness. -But I can do it longer.

Character is what counts. -But I can do it longer.

I don't believe you. -Then let's both go under now.

As you wish. -Then we'll see.

We will. -My fingers have gone all wrinkly.

So have mine. -Right.

One, two...

three.

Is anybody here?

Hello?

Excuse me, is this Room 1077

I don't understand my water bill, although every time it comes

I try hard to understand that computer gibberish.

I don't understand my own pay stub either.

There are probably...

millions of people who can't comprehend their pay stub.

That has nothing to do with general cultural pessimism, but rather...

It's because the people who produce them can't put themselves in others' shoes.

They can't put themselves in the shoes of their consumers.

Every one of us has something more to learn.

What a load of nonsense.

Annie Grossjohann, Nathan Fritz BABELFISCH TRANSLATIONS