Original subtitles

Does everybody know what time it is?

AUDIENCE: Tool Time!

That's right! And now here he is, the star of our show,

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(EARL HINDMAN READING)

Before you hurt yourselves, sit down.

Thank you.

Thank you, Heidi.

I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

and, of course, you all know my trusted assistant,

Al "Who Put the Bore in Boring" Borland.

All right, then. Today, on Tool Time,

we're doing our salute... Salute...

(MACHINE ROARING)

...to steamrollers.

No, no.

No, you promised if I did this show,

there would be no heavy equipment.

I'm kidding. What's blowing your skirt up today?

What's going on, huh? I'm just kidding around.

We're gonna do a simple circuit breaker.

Heidi, my simple circuit breaker, please.

Simple? You call this simple?

This is a 10,000-amp industrial circuit breaker.

Au contraire, my lumpy lumberjack.

I added some power, and this is now a 50,000-amp

simple circuit breaker.

Oh, Al, how would you like to connect these last two wires?

I don't think so, Tim.

How many out there would like to see Al connect these last two wires?

(APPLAUDING)

How many out there would like to see Tim connect these two wires?

AL: Thank you very much.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah! Yeah!

You mean-spirited people.

I'm not going to do that.

'Cause even if I did, nothing would happen.

(EXCLAIMING)

It's not a real circuit breaker.

It's not even a real Tool Time.

And that isn't Heidi, that isn't Al Borland.

That's Debbe Dunning, the actor.

(CHEERING)

And this...

This is not Al Borland. I'm sorry if you thought it was.

This is Richard Karn.

The new host of Family Feud.

Survey says... Says...

We even have a disc jockey, Casey Sander from the K&B boys,

giving us music tonight.

Always great to be here, Timmy.

It's been over three years

since we did our final episode of Home Improvement,

and I wanted to do a retrospective,

but didn't wanna wait 20 years to do it.

I wanted to do it now, while you guys still remembered who I am.

I wanted to do it now, while I still remembered who I am.

We had such fun doing this. So tonight, what we're gonna do

is put together some clips, show you some inside stuff,

maybe give you a few tips.

Enjoy these clips that we think are the best.

And we created a User's Guide to Home Improvement.

So, Debbe, my User's Guide, please.

Here you go, Tim.

The stunning Debbe Dunning.

Anyhow, this book is chock-full of helpful hints.

Well, like this one.

HINDMAN: On Home Improvement, the best conductors of electricity

are copper and Tim Taylor.

Tim, this'll work.

You twist and pull the broken bulb right out of the socket.

But first, you must...

Jam it in the light.

Unplug the lamp.

Ground. Looking for ground.

Now, red is all...

Yellow, see? The sun is yellow, it heats the ground,

that's how they name stuff.

Is that car running?

(TIM SCREAMING)

Shake it off.

We got our belt attached with a rough grip.

And we wanna plug the thing in now?

'Course you wanna be sure the trigger switch

is not locked in the "On" position.

Any idiot knows that, Al.

What a bonehead.

I'm just like him.

(CHUCKLES) Admit it, guys. You are, too, you know?

We will eat anything that's cooked over a fire

or shoved into an animal casing.

That's a sausage, to you women.

We like the smell of sweat, motor oil and diesel fuel combined.

Yeah, if it spins, smokes, or better yet, catches fire and explodes,

that excites guys.

This next clip is from what we call the pilot episode.

You may remember it. It went something like this.

(GASPS) What the hell is that?

That is the power source to your new dishwasher.

Take it out. No, no, no.

No, take it out now. You don't like the fact

that I improved the dishwasher? No.

Remember that yolk that wouldn't come off the plate this morning?

Watch this.

(DISHWASHER HUMMING)

Hear that hum?

That's a Finley two-stage, five-horse Blastmaster compressor.

Air delivery system is 18 cubic feet per square minute.

That should say testosterone right on there.

'Cause that...

That is a man's dishwasher.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Critics didn't really like this show that much.

As a matter of fact, I mean, there was a bunch of critics

who said it just won't last. There was one newspaper,

I'm not gonna mention The New York Times by name,

but they...

Wow. That was really weird.

I mean, that just slipped out. I'm sorry.

They said the show couldn't go three episodes.

I mean, how many things can this meathead blow up?

Don't strike that match.

That's something else.

(PHONE RINGS)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Well,

as it turns out...

As it turns out, he could blow up 4,100 items.

Home Improvement wasn't just about blowing stuff up, folks.

The heart of it was a relationship between a man and a woman.

Right? If you've got your User's Guides handy,

turn to page 78, under "Building a Relationship."

It says, "Romance doesn't come out of the box factory-made.

"Some assembly is required."

(I GOT YOU BABE PLAYING)

? They say we're young And we don't know

? Won't find out till we grow

TIM: ? Well, I don't know If all that's true

? 'Cause you got me And baby I got you

Good.

BOTH: ? Babe

? I got you babe

? I got you babe ?

I love you very, very much.

These are the best 15 years I've ever had.

(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

Put a lid on it.

You know, sometimes I just forget what an amazing hunk of man you are.

Whoa.

Well, I'd love to stick around and give you a little reminder,

but the boys need me.

I need you.

(HORN HONKING)

(GRUNTS)

Demolition derby... Sexy wife.

Demolition derby... Ooh. Sexy wife.

Could you hold that thought till about 10:00 tonight?

Wait a minute. This thought here?

Mmm-mmm.

(CHUCKLING)

That would be the one.

Hurry back, mister.

Every time I see two heaps slamming into one another tonight,

I'll be thinking about us.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

What is this?

(JILL LAUGHING)

Are you gonna still find me desirable?

I didn't marry you because of your uterus or your ovaries,

I married you because of what's inside.

If you think you can keep up, please join in.

All right.

(GIGGLING)

Hmm.

(GRUNTS)

Hmm...

Looks like somebody's ready to come over to Daddy.

It's just you and me.

Got any ideas about what we could be doing?

I'm getting one.

MARK: Mommy and Daddy sitting in the tree,

K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

RANDY: We're in the tree, stupid.

(WHISTLES)

Are you looking good. Let me get out of these cruddy clothes.

Don't take too long.

I won't.

What a great night with the boys, though.

Lot of good food. Oh.

(SIGHING)

I got some double-cheese nachos sitting right here.

(BURPING) Oh.

Tim.

Little gas bubble. Moving, moving...

(BURPS)

This is real attractive.

So where were we?

It's kind of hard to remember.

This will refresh your memory.

(BURPS)

Sorry.

Sorry. I'm sorry. Mark was right. Ugh.

You shouldn't have double onions on those chili dogs.

Hello.

? Then put your little hand in mine

? There ain't no mountain Or hill we can't...

? Babe

? I got you babe

? I got you babe ?

(MUSIC STOPS)

The Minimag 100 is perfect for picking up screws and nails.

It can also pick up small tools that have carelessly been dropped

behind the workbench, perhaps the fault of a co-worker.

And the Minimag 2000.

Small, but powerful. 10 pounds will pick up 400 pounds.

This would suck The Tin Man right through a keyhole.

Well, it was designed to pick up sheet metal,

so you wanna keep it pointed to... Tim.

No, no, just slide it straight down!

Tim.

Pretty powerful little thing, isn't it?

Marv, hold it back. Marv!

I just love this set. Yeah.

There's so many memories on this set.

Mario Andretti stood right here and gave us a bunch of grief.

And then, one of the astronauts,

Ken Bowersocks, and all his team

were standing right there. Remember that?

Yeah.

And then you insulted my mother, right there.

And then you insulted my mother over there.

'Course, you insulted my mother back there, too.

Just about everywhere, you insulted my mother.

Richard, Richard, Richard. Hold on a second.

Focus on me right now. It was a television show.

Wasn't your real mother.

I loved my pretend mother.

Let's all pretend that he didn't say that.

Let's pretend to move on.

Okay, I understand, I understand.

Let's just watch a clip of the Tool girls, shall we?

MAN: Yeah. WOMAN: Yeah.

Does everybody know what time it is?

Does everybody know what time it is?

Tool Time! Tool Time!

That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

Tim "The Tool Man"...

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

Nice dress, Deb.

Thank you.

Do you remember the first time I wore this?

(STUTTERING) Yeah, at that hardware convention.

No. No, that was Al.

Here's a little bit of trivia. The first time I appeared on Home Improvement,

I was not the Tool Time girl.

And it went something like this. Something like this.

Whoa, baby, bad news.

This is not the night for you to give up looking at women.

Uh-huh. Oh, why is that, Jill?

Because an unbelievable young goddess just came in

and sat right behind you. Yeah, right.

Yes. I'm gonna fall into that one.

What, a 74-year-old steelworker?

(GRUFFLY) "Hey, Marge, they got no beer here."

Not exactly, Tim. Oh, yeah, she's the va-va-voom type?

Well, as a matter of fact,

she has great va-vas and a darned good voom.

All right with me, because you're looking pretty good

since you took a couple of pounds off your voom.

(CHUCKLES) Well, thank you so much. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to take my voom to the ladies' room.

I'll be looking at my menu and nothing else.

Oh, man. Off to the right, three o'clock. Unbelievable!

Hey, it is you.

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor? I never miss your show.

Oh, you have me confused with that handsome guy on Tool Time.

Don't be modest. Could I get your autograph?

Yeah, quick. Why don't you just slide it right under here,

under my head here? Okay.

Could you make it out to Kiki?

Kiki.

K-I...

Oh...

Okay, Kikster, here you go.

Hmm. Could you put my last name, too?

Ah, you know, my wife is due back.

She's coming out... Kiki Van Fursterwallenscheinlaw.

What? F-U-R

S-T-E-R-W-A-L-L. Uh-huh.

I'm getting a hand cramp. Hold on.

E-N-S-C-H-E-I-N-L-A-W. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

L-A-W. Good thing it didn't run out of ink.

(GIGGLES)

Now can you grunt for me?

Well, you know, my wife is coming back and I just...

Hello, honey.

(CHOKING) JILL: Excuse me.

(GRUNTING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

What are you doing?

Are you choking?

The reason men check out women isn't because we lust after them.

We look because it reminds us of how much better we have it at home.

Right, men?

(MEN CHEERING)

Are they lying, women?

Yes! Yes!

We have a disagreement.

That's because men and women are different, duh,

much like a dry-cell battery.

The positive side is free-flowing,

full of energy, giving life everywhere,

but the negative side just sucks all the energy out of every situation.

Negative, negative, negative.

You never do any work around here.

You're always leaving the seat up.

Well, you decide which end is which.

Why don't we watch another clip?

Tim, I don't wanna be a nagging wife.

Then how will I recognize you?

Got to be something in here you can get rid of.

Yeah, but I stayed married to it because of the kids.

Why do you always bug me during the football game?

Did I bug you during childbirth?

No, but you bugged me during conception.

You never told me about a job interview.

Tim, do you ever listen to me?

It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.

No, I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me

in bed last night was,

"No!"

You're thinking of tonight.

If your husband was something you find in the kitchen,

what would he be? Oh, that's deep. Yeah, that's deep.

I think you'll find this very insightful, Tim.

"A," an oven, warm and self-cleaning. Not me.

"B," garbage disposal, grating and eats anything.

"C," a refrigerator. Very cold and the light's never on.

These are stupid.

Well, come on.

You haven't read the one that I picked for you.

Read "D."

"D," a tea kettle.

Hot and steamy, done in two minutes.

Do I ever wish that I married somebody else?

Why would I wanna marry anybody else?

You're funny. You're sexy.

Creative, you take chances and you're definitely not afraid to be wrong.

I'm perfectly happy being married to a man who thinks

that PBS is something that women get once a month.

Quit that.

No, really, stick your nose right there and tell me I don't smell like a man.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, Cro-Magnon man.

(GRUNTING)

I believe he was never fully erect, either.

(GRUNTING)

We never actually said that we weren't gonna have another baby.

I've said it. I've talked about it. I know I've talked about it.

I mentioned it on Tool Time.

Oh, great. So 11 people know about it?

Remember babies at all? Dirty diapers.

Colic, 2:00 am feedings, 3:00 am feedings!

I don't have the energy for that anymore.

You don't have the energy to say,

"Wake up, Jill, the baby wants you"?

I just read this survey,

and it said that some couples, no matter how busy they are,

still make love five times a week.

With each other?

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

Come down here, I want to show you something.

What?

Come here.

I made a scale model

of the office I'll build you when you become a psychologist.

Here's your desk, here's your chair and here's your nut.

Where am I?

Seated at the desk.

And why did you do this?

I thought it would cheer you up,

because I think you might have the blues

and maybe we should talk about it.

So you're saying you wanna talk.

Why do you think I'm laying down?

You know, the other day, when you asked me what I was feeling,

I told you, and you jumped down my throat.

You're right. It wasn't fair.

If I'm going to ask for your feelings,

then I should be able to accept them, no matter what they are.

And not hit me on the head with a croquet ball.

Sorry about that.

(KISSES)

Not sure you should kiss your patients on that part of the peanut.

Absolutely free!

Oh, did you say free?

"No, it's me, I'm Spartacus." "I am Spartacus."

(LISPING) "No, it's me. I'm Spartacus. Really, I'm Spartacus. Ask anybody."

Clap.

Uh...

(HUMMING)

Yes!

And now, you just...

I am a sick, sick man.

In the eight years I did the show,

there was only two times, seriously, that I was ever scared.

And the first time...

Well, I'm going to tell you, I have a Telestrator,

one of those things that Madden used. So you gotta watch,

because this could be kind of fun to use. I've never done this.

The first time that I was scared on Home Improvement

in these eight years went something like this.

Watch carefully.

I never knew how to drive this.

Watch the front wheels.

Right here. Not good!

No, no.

Stop it. Stop, stop.

All right.

They didn't even ask me if I had ever driven one of these things before.

Let me point out a few John Madden-type things.

These are the distances you should be very aware of.

Here and here.

Right there. See that?

See that little distance here?

That's how far the wheel is off the ground.

That's a no-no.

See this, here? That's the bucket.

Up here, above my head. Another no-no.

But the real telling part of this scared, a butt-clenching scared...

Right there are the two joysticks that control the vehicle.

(LAUGHING)

And here...

Yup, those are my hands.

And that is a man driving a car like this.

(SCREAMING)

All right.

Too funny. Now,

the second-scariest moment is this next clip,

where it's more of an emotional scary. It really was scary for me.

We had had a romantic evening in the script planned,

and she didn't tell me, right, Case?

Yeah, I remember that. That was the night you came down to the bar

with me and the fellows after work and had a couple drinks.

Right. But when I got home...

Well, it went something like this. Something like this.

I spent two days planning this evening.

Do you have any idea how long it's been

since we had a quiet, romantic evening together?

I was on the phone. Why didn't you say, "Come home"?

I wanted to surprise you.

Well, I'm surprised.

Come on, Jill, lighten up.

I didn't understand what you meant on the phone.

Well, what did you think I meant when I said all that stuff about

how I was looking forward to seeing you and, "I'll be waiting"?

Oh, like you said it like that, "I'll be waiting."

Well, I wanted to be more subtle. What did you want me to say?

"The kids are gone, I'm home alone, come and take me, Big Daddy"?

Well, that, I understand.

Good night. Come on, Jill.

I don't go out with these guys every night. What's making you so angry?

I am angry because you said you were going to be home in 15 minutes

and then you weren't.

Because I'm flirting with you like crazy on the phone, you didn't even notice.

And most of all, because I went to all this trouble for nothing.

I spent the whole evening by myself,

and now you're stuck with a plate of cold food.

Oh, don't worry about me, I ate at the bar.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I didn't have dessert.

All right, stop it here. All right.

Roll it back here. Stop, stop, stop. All right, now, right here,

she had just said that and I actually jolted out of...

I was in, like, a trance.

And see this face here?

That just says, "Fear."

It wasn't supposed to be that way. It was supposed to be just...

The dialog... I knew she was going to get angry. She got so angry with me,

I came out of character and stopped the show to go,

"Jeez, Pat, are you all right?"

She walks up to me, gets about an inch in front of my face, she goes,

"Yes, Tim. That's called 'Acting.'"

Oh.

Oh.

I sat there, going, "I'm going to have to try that."

If you parked a brand-new car under a tree filled with hungry pigeons,

you know, I'll call Triple-A...

(LAUGHING)

Even if you park a new car under...

Even if you do something as crazy as park a new car under a tree,

filled with just-fed...

Even if you do something as crazy

as parking your car under a tree filled with birds, I am not...

This is jammed or something, Al.

I'll just climb up there and show you how sturdy this is.

The Binford telescopic ladder. Just as supportive as...

Tim, you might wanna watch the...

Could I finish here, Al?

I just want you to be careful, so you don't...

(SCREAMING)

Thank you all. Look.

This is it.

This is the garage. This is the home of the automobile.

It's the piston palace. And the carburetor castle.

It's that muffler mansion. The transmission Taj Mahal.

Casey, give me some road-rage rock!

You got it, Timmy.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(MIMICKING ENGINE)

I'm addicted to cars.

Well, duh.

I've been thinking of checking into the Henry Ford Clinic.

This is the greatest gift you've ever given me.

I gave you three children.

Yeah, but none of them came out this clean.

On Home Improvement, I was a father to three boys.

Of course, I wasn't their real father.

No, no, no, no, of course I wasn't their real father.

I was really more like a mentor,

you know, an older brother, maybe.

Well, a twisted, demented older brother,

who taught them about family values.

No, no. Dad, it smells under here!

(SCREAMING)

There's a snake behind you.

Oh, I bet there is!

Dad, we're not joking. It's moving towards you.

Why don't I just open my shirt and let him crawl right in, huh?

Tim, the snake wasn't in the bag.

Because the snake is in my shirt!

I have a woman. Mommy.

Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus.

A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure that one out.

Mom! What?

Dad's cussing. I'm not cussing.

He said a bad word. It wasn't bad.

Yeah, he said "hell" and "damn."

I did not say "damn."

Now you did.

It's not that big a deal. I mean, I've had detention before.

It's the first day of school!

No one ever gets detention on the first day of school.

I wouldn't say "No one."

Oh, it's gonna take a minute to boot up,

I still have that old 286 chip on it.

You know, not much power.

Are you saying this thing needs more power?

Let me open it up. I can make this thing go faster.

Well, why don't we just save you the trouble

and throw it up against the wall?

Let me talk about sex for a minute. BRAD: Dad, I don't wanna...

I want you to listen to me. Listen up. Can you, please? Listen up.

Sex is...

It's like a car.

The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time.

And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future,

when that garage door opens, you gotta think, "Car cover."

You know, you just keep feeding them and they grow up.

Don't they? You know?

Well, you know, sometimes you read your script,

and you can't wait to do the episode.

This script scared me.

Called The Vasectomy One. Yeah.

(CHUCKLING)

Tim agreed to have a vasectomy,

and then we told him what that meant.

But when he got down to the doctor's office,

there was one thing that Jill forgot to tell him.

And it went something like this. Something like this.

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, I'm Dr. Kaplan. I'll be with you in a minute.

Harold!

A woman? You brought me here to see a woman?

I didn't know that she was a woman. My gynecologist just said

that Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town.

How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in man land?

Man land?

Now you got a theme park between your legs?

My husband, I think, is just concerned

about how this is gonna affect his performance.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) Honey, let me handle this.

You see, I put on a good show.

And I just wanna make sure

the curtain doesn't come down in the middle of the first act.

This will not, in any way, affect your sexual function.

We simply cut off the flow of sperm...

Oh, boy.

...to prevent it from entering the seminal stream.

Mmm-hmm. So I'm fishing without bait, now.

No bait.

Why don't you tell us what's involved in the procedure?

Yeah, I'm dying to hear this.

Well, the morning of your appointment,

you'd have to shave in the area where I'll be making the incisions.

Shave? Here?

It's just a routine procedure.

Not in my house, it's not.

What do you think? I wake up in the morning,

brush my teeth, comb my hair and shave ping and pong?

The first thing I do is give you a shot that's a local.

Local, like here in Detroit?

No, local, like here in your scrotum.

Oh, boy.

That does sting for a few seconds.

You think?

Forget about it, Wilson. I'm the kind of guy that likes to stand his ground.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa...

(GROANING)

You okay there, Tim? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I just was tired of using that ladder.

Wilson...

Oh, I love that part. Wilson was played by Earl Hindman,

who couldn't be here because he's doing a play in New York City.

He was one of my favorite characters on the show,

really one of my favorite actors,

and certainly one of my favorite friends.

You know, he lived next door to us for eight years, but, you know,

I got to say, I just never saw enough of the guy.

Tim, you growing a beard?

What do you think?

Well, I'm not sure,

I could never understand why a man would want to hide his face.

There was a time when I thought my extensive research

into ancient tribal cultures, obscure scientific data,

the thoughts of great philosophers would never come in handy.

Then you moved in.

Well, Tim, I'm reminded of what Aristotle said about Plato.

"Keep the lid on tight, otherwise it'll all dry out." That's what I tell Mark.

I like to create, Wilson. Everything I do, I wanna make bigger and better.

Well, Tim, this obsessive desire to create partly happens

because men feel inferior to women.

(GRUNTS)

It's because we can't bear children.

I don't mind the boys that much.

Wilson, you're not making me feel any better.

Well, excuse me, why do I always have to be Santa's little helper?

Well... I mean, I have wants,

I have needs, I have issues, but does anyone ever come to the fence

and say, "Wilson, do you have a problem?"

I mean, no! It's just "Me, me, me, me!"

Tim?

Wilson, you up?

I am now.

Have you ever had a real annoying neighbor?

Tim, is this a trick question?

I sure miss you, Earl. I really do.

Wilson often quoted philosopher Joseph Campbell,

who said, "Before you can create, you must destroy."

I've tried to live by that.

(SCREAMING)

If that's good advice, I'll give you more good advice.

Always think safety when working with a spinning lathe.

You notice I didn't wear a necktie.

We get a lot of letters about this.

You want nothing hanging down,

and no loose clothing. Possibility...

Let me finish.

Sometimes...

(MIMICKING ENGINE)

The mouse goes in the little door here... Ah!

(EXCLAIMING)

Presto, you walk through and door shuts.

(MIMICKING ENGINE)

Missed a shift.

Ow!

Al, I was gonna get to that.

You wanna set your laminate securely on your chimney's front and back.

(EXCLAIMS)

(JILL LAUGHING)

What is this thing on your head?

It's a little piece of table.

Do you think you should go to the emergency room?

I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority.

Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head?

Ow!

Tim. Oh, ow!

(MIMICKING ENGINE)

TIM: It's a little weak here. You wanna avoid this area, too.

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

AL: Tim!

Al, you all right?

Look out!

Tim, your foot. Don't hit the brake release!

What?

Good night, everybody. Good night! Bye!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Hey, just a little bow.

TIM: A bow. AL: A bow!

HINDMAN: You know, we always close our show with bloopers. Guess what?

Yes, you don't wanna be the only one with an incredibly desirable woman.

Kiss me before I get rigor mortis.

Mmm.

That just caused rigor mortis in a fashion.

(LAUGHING)