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1
00:00:02,330 --> 00:00:03,760
Does everybody
know what time it is?
2
00:00:03,830 --> 00:00:05,700
AUDIENCE: Tool Time!
3
00:00:05,770 --> 00:00:07,700
That's right!
And now here he is,
the star of our show,
4
00:00:07,770 --> 00:00:10,870
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!
5
00:00:10,940 --> 00:00:13,170
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
6
00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:15,780
(EARL HINDMAN READING)
7
00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:23,150
Before you
hurt yourselves,
sit down.
8
00:00:28,860 --> 00:00:30,690
Thank you.
9
00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:32,430
Thank you, Heidi.
10
00:00:34,830 --> 00:00:36,600
I am Tim
"The Tool Man" Taylor,
11
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:38,530
and, of course,
you all know
my trusted assistant,
12
00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:42,100
Al "Who Put the Bore
in Boring" Borland.
13
00:00:43,370 --> 00:00:45,310
All right, then.
Today, on Tool Time,
14
00:00:45,370 --> 00:00:47,240
we're doing our salute...
Salute...
15
00:00:47,310 --> 00:00:48,810
(MACHINE ROARING)
16
00:00:49,980 --> 00:00:51,610
...to steamrollers.
17
00:00:52,850 --> 00:00:55,620
No, no.
18
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:57,780
No, you promised
if I did this show,
19
00:00:57,850 --> 00:00:59,550
there would be
no heavy equipment.
20
00:00:59,620 --> 00:01:01,720
I'm kidding.
What's blowing
your skirt up today?
21
00:01:01,790 --> 00:01:04,220
What's going on, huh?
I'm just kidding around.
22
00:01:04,290 --> 00:01:05,860
We're gonna do
a simple circuit breaker.
23
00:01:05,930 --> 00:01:07,830
Heidi, my simple
circuit breaker, please.
24
00:01:14,540 --> 00:01:16,000
Simple? You call
this simple?
25
00:01:16,070 --> 00:01:18,640
This is a 10,000-amp
industrial circuit breaker.
26
00:01:18,710 --> 00:01:21,640
Au contraire,
my lumpy lumberjack.
27
00:01:21,710 --> 00:01:25,280
I added some power,
and this is now
a 50,000-amp
28
00:01:25,350 --> 00:01:27,250
simple circuit breaker.
29
00:01:29,020 --> 00:01:32,490
Oh, Al, how would you
like to connect these
last two wires?
30
00:01:33,620 --> 00:01:35,960
I don't think so, Tim.
31
00:01:36,030 --> 00:01:40,360
How many out there would
like to see Al connect
these last two wires?
32
00:01:40,430 --> 00:01:43,700
(APPLAUDING)
33
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:47,770
How many out there would
like to see Tim connect
these two wires?
34
00:01:49,070 --> 00:01:50,500
AL: Thank you very much.
35
00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:52,470
Oh, yeah?
36
00:01:52,540 --> 00:01:53,640
Yeah!
Yeah!
37
00:01:53,710 --> 00:01:56,510
You mean-spirited people.
38
00:01:57,850 --> 00:01:59,750
I'm not going to do that.
39
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:01,750
'Cause even if I did,
nothing would happen.
40
00:02:01,820 --> 00:02:03,280
(EXCLAIMING)
41
00:02:04,650 --> 00:02:06,920
It's not a real
circuit breaker.
42
00:02:06,990 --> 00:02:08,920
It's not even
a real Tool Time.
43
00:02:08,990 --> 00:02:11,560
And that isn't Heidi,
that isn't Al Borland.
44
00:02:11,630 --> 00:02:13,760
That's Debbe Dunning,
the actor.
45
00:02:13,830 --> 00:02:15,500
(CHEERING)
46
00:02:17,670 --> 00:02:19,500
And this...
47
00:02:19,570 --> 00:02:23,200
This is not Al Borland.
I'm sorry if you
thought it was.
48
00:02:23,270 --> 00:02:25,810
This is Richard Karn.
49
00:02:25,870 --> 00:02:29,110
The new host
of Family Feud.
50
00:02:29,180 --> 00:02:31,110
Survey says...
Says...
51
00:02:33,750 --> 00:02:36,780
We even have a disc jockey,
Casey Sander from
the K&B boys,
52
00:02:36,850 --> 00:02:38,720
giving us music tonight.
53
00:02:40,820 --> 00:02:42,920
Always great to
be here, Timmy.
54
00:02:44,630 --> 00:02:45,860
It's been over
three years
55
00:02:45,930 --> 00:02:47,490
since we did
our final episode
of Home Improvement,
56
00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:49,600
and I wanted to do
a retrospective,
57
00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:51,630
but didn't wanna wait
20 years to do it.
58
00:02:51,700 --> 00:02:55,670
I wanted to do it now,
while you guys still
remembered who I am.
59
00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:59,340
I wanted to do it now,
while I still remembered
who I am.
60
00:02:59,410 --> 00:03:01,610
We had such fun doing this.
So tonight,
what we're gonna do
61
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,280
is put together some clips,
show you some inside stuff,
62
00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:05,780
maybe give you a few tips.
63
00:03:05,850 --> 00:03:08,010
Enjoy these clips
that we think are the best.
64
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,980
And we created a User's Guide
to Home Improvement.
65
00:03:11,050 --> 00:03:13,450
So, Debbe,
my User's Guide, please.
66
00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:16,990
Here you go, Tim.
67
00:03:17,060 --> 00:03:20,490
The stunning
Debbe Dunning.
68
00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:24,130
Anyhow, this book
is chock-full
of helpful hints.
69
00:03:25,100 --> 00:03:26,830
Well, like this one.
70
00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:29,300
HINDMAN: On Home Improvement,
the best conductors of electricity
71
00:03:29,370 --> 00:03:32,070
are copper and Tim Taylor.
72
00:03:32,140 --> 00:03:34,040
Tim, this'll work.
73
00:03:34,110 --> 00:03:36,110
You twist and pull
the broken bulb
right out of the socket.
74
00:03:36,180 --> 00:03:37,240
But first,
you must...
75
00:03:37,310 --> 00:03:38,710
Jam it in the light.
76
00:03:46,050 --> 00:03:47,450
Unplug the lamp.
77
00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:49,760
Ground. Looking for ground.
78
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:53,430
Now, red is all...
79
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:56,700
Yellow, see?
The sun is yellow,
it heats the ground,
80
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:58,670
that's how they name stuff.
81
00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:05,610
Is that car running?
82
00:04:08,380 --> 00:04:10,710
(TIM SCREAMING)
83
00:04:13,110 --> 00:04:14,650
Shake it off.
84
00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:42,210
We got our belt attached
with a rough grip.
85
00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:44,240
And we wanna plug
the thing in now?
86
00:04:44,310 --> 00:04:45,710
'Course you wanna be sure
the trigger switch
87
00:04:45,780 --> 00:04:47,180
is not locked
in the "On" position.
88
00:04:47,250 --> 00:04:49,250
Any idiot
knows that, Al.
89
00:04:53,990 --> 00:04:55,660
What a bonehead.
90
00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,160
I'm just like him.
91
00:04:59,230 --> 00:05:02,400
(CHUCKLES) Admit it, guys.
You are, too, you know?
92
00:05:02,460 --> 00:05:04,430
We will eat anything
that's cooked over a fire
93
00:05:04,500 --> 00:05:06,730
or shoved into
an animal casing.
94
00:05:08,470 --> 00:05:11,240
That's a sausage,
to you women.
95
00:05:11,310 --> 00:05:16,340
We like the smell
of sweat, motor oil
and diesel fuel combined.
96
00:05:16,410 --> 00:05:19,250
Yeah, if it spins,
smokes, or better yet,
catches fire and explodes,
97
00:05:19,310 --> 00:05:20,680
that excites guys.
98
00:05:23,550 --> 00:05:26,520
This next clip is
from what we call
the pilot episode.
99
00:05:26,590 --> 00:05:30,490
You may remember it.
It went something like this.
100
00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:35,090
(GASPS)
What the hell is that?
101
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,230
That is the power source
to your new dishwasher.
102
00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:38,530
Take it out.
No, no, no.
103
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:40,430
No, take it out now.
You don't like the fact
104
00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:42,300
that I improved
the dishwasher?
No.
105
00:05:42,370 --> 00:05:43,770
Remember that yolk
that wouldn't come off
the plate this morning?
106
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:45,210
Watch this.
107
00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:48,680
(DISHWASHER HUMMING)
108
00:05:48,740 --> 00:05:50,580
Hear that hum?
109
00:05:50,650 --> 00:05:53,310
That's a Finley two-stage,
five-horse
Blastmaster compressor.
110
00:05:53,380 --> 00:05:55,650
Air delivery system
is 18 cubic feet
per square minute.
111
00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:57,750
That should say testosterone
right on there.
112
00:05:57,820 --> 00:05:58,820
'Cause that...
113
00:06:00,660 --> 00:06:03,190
That is a man's dishwasher.
114
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:10,830
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
115
00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:15,000
Critics didn't really
like this show that much.
116
00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:16,800
As a matter of fact, I mean,
there was a bunch of critics
117
00:06:16,870 --> 00:06:18,940
who said it just won't last.
There was one newspaper,
118
00:06:19,010 --> 00:06:20,910
I'm not gonna mention
The New York Times by name,
119
00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:22,340
but they...
120
00:06:24,380 --> 00:06:26,680
Wow. That was really weird.
121
00:06:26,750 --> 00:06:29,080
I mean, that just slipped out.
I'm sorry.
122
00:06:29,150 --> 00:06:32,150
They said the show
couldn't go three episodes.
123
00:06:32,220 --> 00:06:35,660
I mean, how many things
can this meathead blow up?
124
00:06:37,930 --> 00:06:39,830
Don't strike
that match.
125
00:07:05,750 --> 00:07:07,190
That's something else.
126
00:07:21,940 --> 00:07:22,940
(PHONE RINGS)
127
00:07:33,050 --> 00:07:34,050
(EXCLAIMING)
128
00:07:35,020 --> 00:07:36,020
(EXCLAIMING)
129
00:07:43,190 --> 00:07:44,490
Well,
130
00:07:45,860 --> 00:07:47,590
as it turns out...
131
00:07:47,660 --> 00:07:52,370
As it turns out,
he could blow up 4,100 items.
132
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:54,870
Home Improvement wasn't
just about blowing
stuff up, folks.
133
00:07:54,940 --> 00:07:57,670
The heart of it
was a relationship
between a man and a woman.
134
00:07:57,740 --> 00:08:00,270
Right?
If you've got your
User's Guides handy,
135
00:08:00,340 --> 00:08:03,580
turn to page 78,
under "Building
a Relationship."
136
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:07,550
It says, "Romance doesn't
come out of the box
factory-made.
137
00:08:08,580 --> 00:08:10,980
"Some assembly
is required."
138
00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:15,920
(I GOT YOU BABE PLAYING)
139
00:08:15,990 --> 00:08:19,160
? They say we're young
And we don't know
140
00:08:19,230 --> 00:08:23,300
? Won't find out till we grow
141
00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:28,440
TIM: ? Well, I don't know If all that's true
142
00:08:28,500 --> 00:08:32,810
? 'Cause you got me And baby I got you
143
00:08:32,870 --> 00:08:33,870
Good.
144
00:08:34,980 --> 00:08:36,010
BOTH: ? Babe
145
00:08:37,950 --> 00:08:39,580
? I got you babe
146
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:42,720
? I got you babe ?
147
00:08:49,090 --> 00:08:50,860
I love you
very, very much.
148
00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:53,960
These are the best
15 years I've ever had.
149
00:08:55,530 --> 00:08:57,430
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
150
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,840
Put a lid on it.
151
00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:08,040
You know, sometimes
I just forget what an
amazing hunk of man you are.
152
00:09:08,110 --> 00:09:09,110
Whoa.
153
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,410
Well, I'd love to
stick around and give you
a little reminder,
154
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:16,020
but the boys need me.
155
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,250
I need you.
156
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:18,380
(HORN HONKING)
157
00:09:18,450 --> 00:09:19,650
(GRUNTS)
158
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:22,360
Demolition derby...
Sexy wife.
159
00:09:24,030 --> 00:09:26,130
Demolition derby...
Ooh. Sexy wife.
160
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,330
Could you hold that thought
till about 10:00 tonight?
161
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,500
Wait a minute.
This thought here?
162
00:09:32,570 --> 00:09:34,230
Mmm-mmm.
163
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:37,870
(CHUCKLING)
164
00:09:37,940 --> 00:09:40,070
That would be the one.
165
00:09:42,780 --> 00:09:45,680
Hurry back, mister.
166
00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:48,110
Every time I see two heaps
slamming into one
another tonight,
167
00:09:48,180 --> 00:09:50,180
I'll be thinking about us.
168
00:09:52,450 --> 00:09:54,790
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
169
00:09:56,990 --> 00:09:58,960
What is this?
170
00:10:06,530 --> 00:10:08,230
(JILL LAUGHING)
171
00:10:11,870 --> 00:10:14,940
Are you gonna still
find me desirable?
172
00:10:15,010 --> 00:10:19,310
I didn't marry you
because of your
uterus or your ovaries,
173
00:10:19,380 --> 00:10:21,850
I married you
because of what's inside.
174
00:10:26,290 --> 00:10:28,690
If you think
you can keep up,
please join in.
175
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:29,890
All right.
176
00:10:32,030 --> 00:10:33,430
(GIGGLING)
177
00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:37,560
Hmm.
178
00:10:37,630 --> 00:10:39,100
(GRUNTS)
179
00:10:49,810 --> 00:10:51,510
Hmm...
180
00:10:51,580 --> 00:10:54,610
Looks like somebody's ready
to come over to Daddy.
181
00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:58,550
It's just you and me.
182
00:10:58,620 --> 00:11:00,890
Got any ideas about
what we could be doing?
183
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,560
I'm getting one.
184
00:11:05,930 --> 00:11:09,160
MARK: Mommy and Daddy
sitting in the tree,
185
00:11:09,230 --> 00:11:12,370
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
186
00:11:12,430 --> 00:11:15,200
RANDY: We're in the tree,
stupid.
187
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:19,410
(WHISTLES)
188
00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:22,240
Are you looking good.
Let me get out of
these cruddy clothes.
189
00:11:22,310 --> 00:11:24,040
Don't take too long.
190
00:11:24,110 --> 00:11:26,380
I won't.
191
00:11:26,450 --> 00:11:28,780
What a great night
with the boys, though.
192
00:11:28,850 --> 00:11:30,580
Lot of good food. Oh.
193
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:33,890
(SIGHING)
194
00:11:35,890 --> 00:11:39,490
I got some
double-cheese nachos
sitting right here.
195
00:11:40,630 --> 00:11:42,230
(BURPING) Oh.
196
00:11:44,970 --> 00:11:46,100
Tim.
197
00:11:46,170 --> 00:11:47,730
Little gas bubble.
Moving, moving...
198
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:48,800
(BURPS)
199
00:11:52,740 --> 00:11:54,610
This is real attractive.
200
00:11:56,950 --> 00:11:59,880
So where were we?
201
00:12:04,420 --> 00:12:07,690
It's kind of hard
to remember.
202
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,820
This will refresh
your memory.
203
00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:11,760
(BURPS)
204
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:17,960
Sorry.
205
00:12:22,140 --> 00:12:25,570
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Mark was right. Ugh.
206
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:28,270
You shouldn't have
double onions on
those chili dogs.
207
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:31,680
Hello.
208
00:12:39,090 --> 00:12:41,690
? Then put your
little hand in mine
209
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:45,190
? There ain't no mountain
Or hill we can't...
210
00:12:47,430 --> 00:12:48,490
? Babe
211
00:12:50,300 --> 00:12:52,170
? I got you babe
212
00:12:53,630 --> 00:12:55,200
? I got you babe ?
213
00:12:58,510 --> 00:12:59,670
(MUSIC STOPS)
214
00:13:06,610 --> 00:13:12,150
The Minimag 100 is perfect
for picking up
screws and nails.
215
00:13:12,220 --> 00:13:14,690
It can also pick up
small tools that have
carelessly been dropped
216
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,620
behind the workbench,
perhaps the fault of
a co-worker.
217
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:24,630
And the Minimag 2000.
218
00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:29,200
Small, but powerful.
10 pounds will
pick up 400 pounds.
219
00:13:29,270 --> 00:13:31,600
This would suck The Tin Man
right through a keyhole.
220
00:13:33,210 --> 00:13:35,480
Well, it was designed
to pick up sheet metal,
221
00:13:35,540 --> 00:13:38,240
so you wanna keep
it pointed to... Tim.
222
00:13:40,980 --> 00:13:44,420
No, no, just slide it
straight down!
223
00:13:47,690 --> 00:13:48,690
Tim.
224
00:13:52,730 --> 00:13:55,260
Pretty powerful
little thing, isn't it?
225
00:14:00,940 --> 00:14:03,070
Marv, hold it back. Marv!
226
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:11,210
I just love this set.
Yeah.
227
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:12,880
There's so many
memories on this set.
228
00:14:12,950 --> 00:14:16,050
Mario Andretti
stood right here
and gave us a bunch of grief.
229
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:17,620
And then,
one of the astronauts,
230
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,120
Ken Bowersocks,
and all his team
231
00:14:19,190 --> 00:14:20,620
were standing right there.
Remember that?
232
00:14:20,690 --> 00:14:21,750
Yeah.
233
00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:25,390
And then you
insulted my mother,
right there.
234
00:14:25,460 --> 00:14:29,060
And then you
insulted my mother
over there.
235
00:14:29,130 --> 00:14:32,300
'Course, you insulted
my mother back there, too.
236
00:14:32,370 --> 00:14:34,270
Just about everywhere,
you insulted my mother.
237
00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:36,400
Richard, Richard, Richard.
Hold on a second.
238
00:14:36,470 --> 00:14:40,110
Focus on me right now.
It was a television show.
239
00:14:41,310 --> 00:14:43,640
Wasn't your real mother.
240
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,780
I loved my pretend mother.
241
00:14:48,550 --> 00:14:51,550
Let's all pretend
that he didn't say that.
242
00:14:52,890 --> 00:14:54,250
Let's pretend to move on.
243
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:55,920
Okay, I understand,
I understand.
244
00:14:55,990 --> 00:14:58,290
Let's just watch a clip
of the Tool girls, shall we?
245
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,160
MAN: Yeah.
WOMAN: Yeah.
246
00:15:00,230 --> 00:15:01,830
Does everybody know
what time it is?
247
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:03,430
Does everybody know
what time it is?
248
00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:05,200
Tool Time! Tool Time!
249
00:15:05,270 --> 00:15:07,430
That's right!
Binford Tools is
proud to present
250
00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:09,570
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!
251
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:10,900
Tim "The Tool Man"...
252
00:15:10,970 --> 00:15:13,040
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!
253
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:32,960
Nice dress, Deb.
254
00:15:33,030 --> 00:15:34,260
Thank you.
255
00:15:34,330 --> 00:15:35,560
Do you remember
the first time
I wore this?
256
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:38,600
(STUTTERING) Yeah, at that
hardware convention.
257
00:15:38,670 --> 00:15:40,470
No.
No, that was Al.
258
00:15:43,270 --> 00:15:46,270
Here's a little bit of trivia.
The first time I appeared
on Home Improvement,
259
00:15:46,340 --> 00:15:48,310
I was not
the Tool Time girl.
260
00:15:48,380 --> 00:15:51,910
And it went
something like this.
Something like this.
261
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:55,610
Whoa, baby, bad news.
262
00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:03,560
This is not the night
for you to give up
looking at women.
263
00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:08,030
Uh-huh. Oh,
why is that, Jill?
264
00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:11,700
Because an unbelievable
young goddess just came in
265
00:16:11,770 --> 00:16:13,730
and sat right behind you.
Yeah, right.
266
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:15,300
Yes.
I'm gonna
fall into that one.
267
00:16:15,370 --> 00:16:17,100
What, a 74-year-old
steelworker?
268
00:16:17,170 --> 00:16:19,270
(GRUFFLY) "Hey, Marge,
they got no beer here."
269
00:16:19,340 --> 00:16:21,940
Not exactly, Tim.
Oh, yeah,
she's the va-va-voom type?
270
00:16:22,010 --> 00:16:23,810
Well, as a matter of fact,
271
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:27,910
she has great va-vas
and a darned good voom.
272
00:16:27,980 --> 00:16:29,850
All right with me,
because you're
looking pretty good
273
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,550
since you took
a couple of pounds
off your voom.
274
00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:35,920
(CHUCKLES) Well,
thank you so much.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
275
00:16:35,990 --> 00:16:39,330
I'm going to take my voom
to the ladies' room.
276
00:16:39,390 --> 00:16:42,090
I'll be looking
at my menu
and nothing else.
277
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:45,670
Oh, man. Off to the right,
three o'clock. Unbelievable!
278
00:17:09,590 --> 00:17:11,290
Hey, it is you.
279
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:15,160
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor?
I never miss your show.
280
00:17:15,230 --> 00:17:18,400
Oh, you have me confused
with that handsome
guy on Tool Time.
281
00:17:18,470 --> 00:17:21,330
Don't be modest.
Could I get
your autograph?
282
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,540
Yeah, quick.
Why don't you just
slide it right under here,
283
00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:25,340
under my head here? Okay.
284
00:17:25,410 --> 00:17:27,110
Could you make
it out to Kiki?
285
00:17:27,170 --> 00:17:28,470
Kiki.
286
00:17:29,010 --> 00:17:30,280
K-I...
287
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:31,580
Oh...
288
00:17:33,250 --> 00:17:36,380
Okay, Kikster,
here you go.
289
00:17:36,450 --> 00:17:38,550
Hmm. Could you put my
last name, too?
290
00:17:38,620 --> 00:17:40,090
Ah, you know,
my wife is due back.
291
00:17:40,150 --> 00:17:42,990
She's coming out...
Kiki Van
Fursterwallenscheinlaw.
292
00:17:48,660 --> 00:17:50,260
What?
F-U-R
293
00:17:50,330 --> 00:17:51,930
S-T-E-R-W-A-L-L.
Uh-huh.
294
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,900
I'm getting
a hand cramp. Hold on.
295
00:17:53,970 --> 00:17:58,270
E-N-S-C-H-E-I-N-L-A-W.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
296
00:17:58,340 --> 00:18:01,640
L-A-W. Good thing it
didn't run out of ink.
297
00:18:01,710 --> 00:18:03,310
(GIGGLES)
298
00:18:03,380 --> 00:18:05,110
Now can you grunt for me?
299
00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:07,210
Well, you know,
my wife is coming
back and I just...
300
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:08,510
Hello, honey.
301
00:18:08,580 --> 00:18:10,620
(CHOKING)
JILL: Excuse me.
302
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:15,420
(GRUNTING)
303
00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:20,490
(ALL GRUNTING)
304
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,400
What are you doing?
305
00:18:26,770 --> 00:18:28,400
Are you choking?
306
00:18:41,750 --> 00:18:44,820
The reason men check out
women isn't because
we lust after them.
307
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:48,450
We look because it
reminds us of how much better
we have it at home.
308
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:49,720
Right, men?
309
00:18:49,790 --> 00:18:51,020
(MEN CHEERING)
310
00:18:51,090 --> 00:18:52,490
Are they lying, women?
311
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:53,960
Yes!
Yes!
312
00:18:54,030 --> 00:18:56,560
We have a disagreement.
313
00:18:56,630 --> 00:18:59,870
That's because
men and women
are different, duh,
314
00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:03,670
much like
a dry-cell battery.
315
00:19:03,740 --> 00:19:05,440
The positive side
is free-flowing,
316
00:19:05,510 --> 00:19:07,610
full of energy,
giving life everywhere,
317
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,780
but the negative side
just sucks all the energy
out of every situation.
318
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:12,040
Negative, negative, negative.
319
00:19:12,110 --> 00:19:13,910
You never do any
work around here.
320
00:19:13,980 --> 00:19:16,050
You're always
leaving the seat up.
321
00:19:18,020 --> 00:19:20,420
Well, you decide
which end is which.
322
00:19:22,860 --> 00:19:24,990
Why don't we watch
another clip?
323
00:19:25,060 --> 00:19:26,990
Tim, I don't wanna
be a nagging wife.
324
00:19:27,060 --> 00:19:29,760
Then how will
I recognize you?
325
00:19:29,830 --> 00:19:32,300
Got to be something in here
you can get rid of.
326
00:19:32,370 --> 00:19:37,000
Yeah,
but I stayed married to it
because of the kids.
327
00:19:37,070 --> 00:19:38,840
Why do you always bug me
during the football game?
328
00:19:38,910 --> 00:19:42,240
Did I bug you
during childbirth?
329
00:19:42,310 --> 00:19:45,980
No, but you bugged me
during conception.
330
00:19:46,050 --> 00:19:47,510
You never told me
about a job interview.
331
00:19:47,580 --> 00:19:49,280
Tim, do you
ever listen to me?
332
00:19:49,350 --> 00:19:51,520
It was the last thing
that I said in bed
to you last night.
333
00:19:51,590 --> 00:19:53,920
No, I believe, if you recall,
the last thing you said to me
334
00:19:53,990 --> 00:19:55,320
in bed last night was,
335
00:19:55,390 --> 00:19:56,390
"No!"
336
00:20:03,330 --> 00:20:05,360
You're thinking
of tonight.
337
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,940
If your husband
was something you
find in the kitchen,
338
00:20:13,010 --> 00:20:16,140
what would he be?
Oh, that's deep.
Yeah, that's deep.
339
00:20:16,210 --> 00:20:18,910
I think you'll find this
very insightful, Tim.
340
00:20:18,980 --> 00:20:22,310
"A," an oven, warm
and self-cleaning. Not me.
341
00:20:22,380 --> 00:20:27,320
"B," garbage disposal,
grating and eats anything.
342
00:20:27,390 --> 00:20:30,820
"C," a refrigerator.
Very cold and the light's
never on.
343
00:20:34,330 --> 00:20:36,300
These are stupid.
344
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:37,860
Well, come on.
345
00:20:37,930 --> 00:20:38,800
You haven't read
the one that
I picked for you.
346
00:20:38,870 --> 00:20:40,330
Read "D."
347
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,630
"D," a tea kettle.
348
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:45,200
Hot and steamy,
done in two minutes.
349
00:20:50,510 --> 00:20:54,710
Do I ever wish
that I married
somebody else?
350
00:20:57,220 --> 00:20:59,520
Why would I wanna
marry anybody else?
351
00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:04,560
You're funny.
You're sexy.
352
00:21:04,630 --> 00:21:08,930
Creative, you take chances
and you're definitely
not afraid to be wrong.
353
00:21:15,170 --> 00:21:17,470
I'm perfectly happy
being married to
a man who thinks
354
00:21:17,540 --> 00:21:20,740
that PBS is something
that women get once a month.
355
00:21:25,810 --> 00:21:27,450
Quit that.
356
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:30,780
No, really, stick your nose
right there and tell me
I don't smell like a man.
357
00:21:30,850 --> 00:21:32,580
(CHUCKLES) Yeah,
Cro-Magnon man.
358
00:21:32,650 --> 00:21:34,020
(GRUNTING)
359
00:21:34,090 --> 00:21:36,990
I believe he was
never fully erect, either.
360
00:21:37,860 --> 00:21:39,830
(GRUNTING)
361
00:21:39,890 --> 00:21:42,260
We never actually
said that we weren't
gonna have another baby.
362
00:21:42,330 --> 00:21:45,000
I've said it.
I've talked about it.
I know I've talked about it.
363
00:21:45,070 --> 00:21:46,930
I mentioned it on Tool Time.
364
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,370
Oh, great.
So 11 people
know about it?
365
00:21:51,340 --> 00:21:53,970
Remember babies at all?
Dirty diapers.
366
00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:57,510
Colic, 2:00 am feedings,
3:00 am feedings!
367
00:21:57,580 --> 00:21:59,710
I don't have the energy
for that anymore.
368
00:21:59,780 --> 00:22:01,080
You don't have
the energy to say,
369
00:22:01,150 --> 00:22:03,250
"Wake up, Jill,
the baby wants you"?
370
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:10,420
I just read this survey,
371
00:22:10,490 --> 00:22:13,260
and it said
that some couples,
no matter how busy they are,
372
00:22:13,330 --> 00:22:16,260
still make love
five times a week.
373
00:22:16,330 --> 00:22:17,930
With each other?
374
00:22:20,070 --> 00:22:21,070
Yeah.
375
00:22:24,540 --> 00:22:25,540
Hi.
376
00:22:26,970 --> 00:22:28,740
Hi.
377
00:22:28,810 --> 00:22:30,210
Come down here,
I want to show you
something.
378
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:31,340
What?
379
00:22:31,410 --> 00:22:32,740
Come here.
380
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:38,280
I made a scale model
381
00:22:38,350 --> 00:22:41,420
of the office
I'll build you when
you become a psychologist.
382
00:22:41,490 --> 00:22:44,760
Here's your desk,
here's your chair
and here's your nut.
383
00:22:53,530 --> 00:22:54,700
Where am I?
384
00:22:54,770 --> 00:22:55,870
Seated at the desk.
385
00:22:56,670 --> 00:22:58,500
And why did
you do this?
386
00:22:58,570 --> 00:23:00,070
I thought it would
cheer you up,
387
00:23:00,140 --> 00:23:01,270
because I think
you might have the blues
388
00:23:01,340 --> 00:23:03,310
and maybe we
should talk about it.
389
00:23:03,380 --> 00:23:04,810
So you're saying
you wanna talk.
390
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:06,150
Why do you think
I'm laying down?
391
00:23:09,780 --> 00:23:12,650
You know, the other day,
when you asked me
what I was feeling,
392
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:15,820
I told you,
and you jumped
down my throat.
393
00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:23,060
You're right.
It wasn't fair.
394
00:23:23,130 --> 00:23:25,560
If I'm going to
ask for your feelings,
395
00:23:25,630 --> 00:23:28,900
then I should be
able to accept them,
no matter what they are.
396
00:23:28,970 --> 00:23:31,670
And not hit me
on the head with
a croquet ball.
397
00:23:34,210 --> 00:23:35,370
Sorry about that.
398
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:36,440
(KISSES)
399
00:23:38,610 --> 00:23:41,080
Not sure you should
kiss your patients
on that part of the peanut.
400
00:23:52,830 --> 00:23:53,990
Absolutely free!
401
00:23:54,060 --> 00:23:55,630
Oh, did you say free?
402
00:23:57,460 --> 00:24:00,430
"No, it's me,
I'm Spartacus."
"I am Spartacus."
403
00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:04,340
(LISPING) "No, it's me.
I'm Spartacus. Really,
I'm Spartacus. Ask anybody."
404
00:24:07,070 --> 00:24:08,210
Clap.
405
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:09,270
Uh...
406
00:24:11,010 --> 00:24:12,180
(HUMMING)
407
00:24:15,650 --> 00:24:16,820
Yes!
408
00:24:21,860 --> 00:24:23,820
And now,
you just...
409
00:24:34,130 --> 00:24:37,470
I am a sick,
sick man.
410
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:45,980
In the eight years
I did the show,
411
00:24:46,050 --> 00:24:49,050
there was only two times,
seriously, that I was
ever scared.
412
00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:50,620
And the first time...
413
00:24:50,690 --> 00:24:52,820
Well, I'm going to tell you,
I have a Telestrator,
414
00:24:52,890 --> 00:24:54,650
one of those things
that Madden used.
So you gotta watch,
415
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,720
because this
could be kind of fun
to use. I've never done this.
416
00:24:56,790 --> 00:24:59,060
The first time
that I was scared
on Home Improvement
417
00:24:59,130 --> 00:25:01,660
in these eight years
went something like this.
418
00:25:01,730 --> 00:25:03,260
Watch carefully.
419
00:25:03,330 --> 00:25:04,730
I never knew
how to drive this.
420
00:25:07,100 --> 00:25:08,770
Watch the front wheels.
421
00:25:09,870 --> 00:25:11,700
Right here.
Not good!
422
00:25:12,870 --> 00:25:14,240
No, no.
423
00:25:15,810 --> 00:25:17,280
Stop it.
Stop, stop.
424
00:25:20,180 --> 00:25:21,910
All right.
425
00:25:21,980 --> 00:25:26,080
They didn't even ask me
if I had ever driven
one of these things before.
426
00:25:26,150 --> 00:25:29,420
Let me point out a few
John Madden-type things.
427
00:25:29,490 --> 00:25:31,820
These are the distances
you should be very aware of.
428
00:25:31,890 --> 00:25:34,190
Here and here.
429
00:25:34,260 --> 00:25:36,460
Right there.
See that?
430
00:25:36,530 --> 00:25:39,300
See that little
distance here?
431
00:25:39,370 --> 00:25:42,170
That's how far
the wheel is off
the ground.
432
00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:44,640
That's a no-no.
433
00:25:45,770 --> 00:25:48,070
See this, here?
That's the bucket.
434
00:25:48,140 --> 00:25:52,440
Up here,
above my head.
Another no-no.
435
00:25:52,510 --> 00:25:57,080
But the real
telling part of this scared,
a butt-clenching scared...
436
00:25:59,790 --> 00:26:03,120
Right there are
the two joysticks
that control the vehicle.
437
00:26:04,930 --> 00:26:06,760
(LAUGHING)
438
00:26:06,830 --> 00:26:09,730
And here...
439
00:26:13,670 --> 00:26:18,270
Yup, those are my hands.
440
00:26:18,340 --> 00:26:23,840
And that is a man
driving a car like this.
441
00:26:23,910 --> 00:26:25,780
(SCREAMING)
442
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:30,650
All right.
443
00:26:32,550 --> 00:26:34,990
Too funny. Now,
444
00:26:35,060 --> 00:26:38,520
the second-scariest moment
is this next clip,
445
00:26:38,590 --> 00:26:42,660
where it's more of
an emotional scary.
It really was scary for me.
446
00:26:42,730 --> 00:26:45,460
We had had a romantic evening
in the script planned,
447
00:26:45,530 --> 00:26:48,430
and she didn't
tell me, right, Case?
448
00:26:48,500 --> 00:26:51,800
Yeah, I remember that.
That was the night
you came down to the bar
449
00:26:51,870 --> 00:26:54,440
with me and the fellows
after work and had
a couple drinks.
450
00:26:54,510 --> 00:26:56,840
Right. But when
I got home...
451
00:26:56,910 --> 00:27:01,650
Well, it went
something like this.
Something like this.
452
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:05,520
I spent two days
planning this evening.
453
00:27:05,590 --> 00:27:07,650
Do you have any idea
how long it's been
454
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:10,890
since we had a quiet,
romantic evening together?
455
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:12,620
I was on the phone.
Why didn't you say,
"Come home"?
456
00:27:12,690 --> 00:27:14,460
I wanted to surprise you.
457
00:27:14,530 --> 00:27:16,300
Well, I'm surprised.
458
00:27:17,770 --> 00:27:19,230
Come on, Jill,
lighten up.
459
00:27:19,300 --> 00:27:21,370
I didn't understand
what you meant on the phone.
460
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:23,340
Well, what did you think
I meant when I said
all that stuff about
461
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:27,570
how I was looking forward
to seeing you and,
"I'll be waiting"?
462
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:31,280
Oh, like you said it
like that, "I'll be waiting."
463
00:27:31,350 --> 00:27:34,810
Well, I wanted to
be more subtle.
What did you want me to say?
464
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:38,580
"The kids are gone,
I'm home alone,
come and take me, Big Daddy"?
465
00:27:41,250 --> 00:27:42,920
Well, that,
I understand.
466
00:27:47,660 --> 00:27:49,390
Good night.
Come on, Jill.
467
00:27:49,460 --> 00:27:52,130
I don't go out with
these guys every night.
What's making you so angry?
468
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:54,870
I am angry because you said
you were going to be home
in 15 minutes
469
00:27:54,940 --> 00:27:56,770
and then you weren't.
470
00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:59,270
Because I'm flirting with you
like crazy on the phone,
you didn't even notice.
471
00:27:59,340 --> 00:28:02,740
And most of all, because
I went to all this
trouble for nothing.
472
00:28:02,810 --> 00:28:04,540
I spent the whole
evening by myself,
473
00:28:04,610 --> 00:28:07,010
and now you're stuck
with a plate of cold food.
474
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:09,910
Oh, don't worry about me,
I ate at the bar.
475
00:28:12,990 --> 00:28:16,020
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I didn't have dessert.
476
00:28:17,060 --> 00:28:19,690
All right, stop it here.
All right.
477
00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:22,430
Roll it back here.
Stop, stop, stop.
All right, now, right here,
478
00:28:22,500 --> 00:28:24,760
she had just said that
and I actually jolted out
of...
479
00:28:24,830 --> 00:28:26,200
I was in, like, a trance.
480
00:28:26,270 --> 00:28:28,270
And see this face here?
481
00:28:28,340 --> 00:28:32,640
That just says, "Fear."
482
00:28:32,710 --> 00:28:35,010
It wasn't
supposed to be that way.
It was supposed to be just...
483
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:38,040
The dialog... I knew she was
going to get angry.
She got so angry with me,
484
00:28:38,110 --> 00:28:41,610
I came out of character
and stopped the show to go,
485
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:44,850
"Jeez, Pat,
are you all right?"
486
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:49,520
She walks up to me,
gets about an inch
in front of my face, she goes,
487
00:28:49,590 --> 00:28:52,260
"Yes, Tim.
That's called 'Acting.'"
488
00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:58,060
Oh.
489
00:29:04,810 --> 00:29:07,010
Oh.
490
00:29:07,070 --> 00:29:09,840
I sat there, going,
"I'm going to
have to try that."
491
00:29:12,910 --> 00:29:15,850
If you parked a brand-new car
under a tree filled
with hungry pigeons,
492
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:18,480
you know,
I'll call Triple-A...
493
00:29:18,550 --> 00:29:20,350
(LAUGHING)
494
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:23,960
Even if you park
a new car under...
495
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:29,230
Even if you do
something as crazy as
park a new car under a tree,
496
00:29:29,300 --> 00:29:30,960
filled with just-fed...
497
00:29:32,970 --> 00:29:34,570
Even if you do
something as crazy
498
00:29:34,630 --> 00:29:38,170
as parking your car
under a tree filled
with birds, I am not...
499
00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:42,870
This is jammed
or something, Al.
500
00:29:48,950 --> 00:29:52,620
I'll just climb
up there and show you
how sturdy this is.
501
00:29:52,690 --> 00:29:55,390
The Binford
telescopic ladder.
Just as supportive as...
502
00:29:55,460 --> 00:29:57,060
Tim, you might
wanna watch the...
503
00:29:57,120 --> 00:29:58,420
Could I finish here, Al?
504
00:29:58,490 --> 00:29:59,920
I just want you
to be careful,
so you don't...
505
00:29:59,990 --> 00:30:02,060
(SCREAMING)
506
00:30:10,340 --> 00:30:11,840
Thank you all. Look.
507
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:17,380
This is it.
508
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:20,510
This is the garage.
This is the home
of the automobile.
509
00:30:20,580 --> 00:30:23,250
It's the piston palace.
And the carburetor castle.
510
00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:27,220
It's that muffler mansion.
The transmission Taj Mahal.
511
00:30:27,290 --> 00:30:30,620
Casey, give me
some road-rage rock!
512
00:30:30,690 --> 00:30:32,660
You got it, Timmy.
513
00:30:32,730 --> 00:30:34,590
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
514
00:30:43,570 --> 00:30:45,940
(MIMICKING ENGINE)
515
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:56,820
I'm addicted to cars.
516
00:30:56,880 --> 00:30:58,450
Well, duh.
517
00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:02,150
I've been thinking
of checking into
the Henry Ford Clinic.
518
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,930
This is the greatest gift
you've ever given me.
519
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,170
I gave you
three children.
520
00:31:13,230 --> 00:31:16,070
Yeah, but none of them
came out this clean.
521
00:31:20,510 --> 00:31:24,940
On Home Improvement,
I was a father to three boys.
522
00:31:25,010 --> 00:31:27,680
Of course,
I wasn't their real father.
523
00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:32,550
No, no, no, no, of course
I wasn't their real father.
524
00:31:32,620 --> 00:31:34,050
I was really
more like a mentor,
525
00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:38,220
you know,
an older brother, maybe.
526
00:31:38,290 --> 00:31:41,390
Well, a twisted,
demented older brother,
527
00:31:43,260 --> 00:31:45,600
who taught them
about family values.
528
00:31:45,670 --> 00:31:49,870
No, no. Dad,
it smells under here!
529
00:31:51,700 --> 00:31:53,070
(SCREAMING)
530
00:31:53,140 --> 00:31:55,310
There's a snake
behind you.
531
00:31:55,380 --> 00:31:57,140
Oh, I bet there is!
532
00:31:59,410 --> 00:32:02,480
Dad, we're not joking.
It's moving towards you.
533
00:32:02,550 --> 00:32:06,120
Why don't I just open
my shirt and let him
crawl right in, huh?
534
00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:11,490
Tim, the snake
wasn't in the bag.
535
00:32:13,290 --> 00:32:15,960
Because the snake
is in my shirt!
536
00:32:17,460 --> 00:32:19,100
I have a woman. Mommy.
537
00:32:19,170 --> 00:32:21,870
Your mommy can't be
your woman, doofus.
538
00:32:21,940 --> 00:32:25,570
A lot of men pay
a psychiatrist a lot of money
to figure that one out.
539
00:32:26,940 --> 00:32:28,270
Mom!
What?
540
00:32:28,340 --> 00:32:29,470
Dad's cussing.
I'm not cussing.
541
00:32:29,540 --> 00:32:31,210
He said a bad word.
It wasn't bad.
542
00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:33,010
Yeah, he said
"hell" and "damn."
543
00:32:33,080 --> 00:32:34,750
I did not say "damn."
544
00:32:34,810 --> 00:32:36,010
Now you did.
545
00:32:37,890 --> 00:32:40,050
It's not that big a deal.
I mean, I've had
detention before.
546
00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:42,320
It's the first day
of school!
547
00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:48,330
No one ever gets detention
on the first day of school.
548
00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:49,960
I wouldn't say "No one."
549
00:32:51,930 --> 00:32:53,900
Oh, it's gonna take
a minute to boot up,
550
00:32:53,970 --> 00:32:56,600
I still have that
old 286 chip on it.
551
00:32:56,670 --> 00:32:58,700
You know,
not much power.
552
00:33:02,780 --> 00:33:04,880
Are you saying
this thing needs
more power?
553
00:33:06,110 --> 00:33:08,610
Let me open it up.
I can make this
thing go faster.
554
00:33:10,350 --> 00:33:11,780
Well, why don't we
just save you the trouble
555
00:33:11,850 --> 00:33:14,150
and throw it up
against the wall?
556
00:33:14,220 --> 00:33:16,450
Let me talk about
sex for a minute.
BRAD: Dad, I don't wanna...
557
00:33:16,520 --> 00:33:18,990
I want you to listen to me.
Listen up. Can you, please?
Listen up.
558
00:33:19,060 --> 00:33:21,160
Sex is...
559
00:33:21,230 --> 00:33:23,390
It's like a car.
560
00:33:23,460 --> 00:33:29,030
The best idea is to keep
the car in the garage
for a long, long, long time.
561
00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:34,410
And then,
somewhere in the future,
the distant future,
562
00:33:34,470 --> 00:33:39,140
when that garage door opens,
you gotta think, "Car cover."
563
00:33:52,390 --> 00:33:55,160
You know, you just keep
feeding them and they grow up.
564
00:33:55,230 --> 00:33:56,760
Don't they?
You know?
565
00:33:56,830 --> 00:33:58,200
Well, you know,
sometimes you
read your script,
566
00:33:58,270 --> 00:34:00,800
and you can't wait
to do the episode.
567
00:34:00,870 --> 00:34:03,970
This script scared me.
568
00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:05,900
Called The Vasectomy One.
Yeah.
569
00:34:05,970 --> 00:34:07,570
(CHUCKLING)
570
00:34:07,640 --> 00:34:09,610
Tim agreed to
have a vasectomy,
571
00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:11,280
and then we told him
what that meant.
572
00:34:13,610 --> 00:34:15,080
But when he got down to
the doctor's office,
573
00:34:15,150 --> 00:34:17,650
there was one thing
that Jill forgot to tell him.
574
00:34:17,720 --> 00:34:21,650
And it went
something like this.
Something like this.
575
00:34:21,720 --> 00:34:25,990
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Taylor,
I'm Dr. Kaplan.
I'll be with you in a minute.
576
00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:28,890
Harold!
577
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:32,100
A woman?
You brought me here
to see a woman?
578
00:34:32,170 --> 00:34:34,770
I didn't know
that she was a woman.
My gynecologist just said
579
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:38,170
that Dr. Kaplan was
the best urologist in town.
580
00:34:38,240 --> 00:34:42,570
How am I supposed
to talk to a woman about
what's going on in man land?
581
00:34:43,440 --> 00:34:46,110
Man land?
582
00:34:46,180 --> 00:34:49,010
Now you got a theme park
between your legs?
583
00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:57,420
My husband, I think,
is just concerned
584
00:34:57,490 --> 00:35:00,390
about how this
is gonna affect
his performance.
585
00:35:00,460 --> 00:35:03,360
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
Honey, let me
handle this.
586
00:35:03,430 --> 00:35:05,700
You see,
I put on a good show.
587
00:35:08,100 --> 00:35:09,670
And I just wanna
make sure
588
00:35:09,740 --> 00:35:12,640
the curtain doesn't
come down in the middle
of the first act.
589
00:35:12,710 --> 00:35:16,510
This will not,
in any way, affect
your sexual function.
590
00:35:16,580 --> 00:35:18,610
We simply cut off
the flow of sperm...
591
00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:20,680
Oh, boy.
592
00:35:20,750 --> 00:35:22,950
...to prevent it from
entering the seminal stream.
593
00:35:23,020 --> 00:35:25,820
Mmm-hmm. So I'm fishing
without bait, now.
594
00:35:27,290 --> 00:35:28,950
No bait.
595
00:35:29,020 --> 00:35:31,190
Why don't you tell us
what's involved
in the procedure?
596
00:35:31,260 --> 00:35:33,660
Yeah, I'm dying
to hear this.
597
00:35:33,730 --> 00:35:35,360
Well, the morning
of your appointment,
598
00:35:35,430 --> 00:35:38,760
you'd have to shave in
the area where I'll be
making the incisions.
599
00:35:38,830 --> 00:35:41,730
Shave? Here?
600
00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:44,400
It's just a routine procedure.
601
00:35:44,470 --> 00:35:46,200
Not in my house,
it's not.
602
00:35:48,310 --> 00:35:49,840
What do you think?
I wake up in the morning,
603
00:35:49,910 --> 00:35:53,380
brush my teeth, comb my hair
and shave ping and pong?
604
00:35:57,950 --> 00:36:02,620
The first thing
I do is give you
a shot that's a local.
605
00:36:02,690 --> 00:36:04,820
Local, like here
in Detroit?
606
00:36:06,060 --> 00:36:07,860
No, local, like here
in your scrotum.
607
00:36:07,930 --> 00:36:10,560
Oh, boy.
608
00:36:10,630 --> 00:36:12,260
That does sting
for a few seconds.
609
00:36:12,330 --> 00:36:13,800
You think?
610
00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:23,110
Forget about it, Wilson.
I'm the kind of guy that
likes to stand his ground.
611
00:36:23,180 --> 00:36:24,880
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa...
612
00:36:25,510 --> 00:36:27,280
(GROANING)
613
00:36:29,550 --> 00:36:31,680
You okay there, Tim?
Oh, yeah.
614
00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:36,420
Yeah, I just was tired of
using that ladder.
615
00:36:39,390 --> 00:36:41,630
Wilson...
616
00:36:41,700 --> 00:36:43,760
Oh, I love that part.
Wilson was played
by Earl Hindman,
617
00:36:43,830 --> 00:36:46,130
who couldn't be here
because he's doing
a play in New York City.
618
00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:48,430
He was one of my
favorite characters
on the show,
619
00:36:48,500 --> 00:36:49,700
really one of my
favorite actors,
620
00:36:49,770 --> 00:36:51,840
and certainly one of
my favorite friends.
621
00:36:51,910 --> 00:36:54,710
You know, he lived next door
to us for eight years,
but, you know,
622
00:36:54,770 --> 00:36:57,980
I got to say,
I just never saw
enough of the guy.
623
00:36:59,810 --> 00:37:01,510
Tim, you growing
a beard?
624
00:37:03,420 --> 00:37:04,650
What do you think?
625
00:37:04,720 --> 00:37:06,680
Well, I'm not sure,
626
00:37:06,750 --> 00:37:09,420
I could never understand
why a man would want
to hide his face.
627
00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:13,390
There was a time
when I thought my
extensive research
628
00:37:13,460 --> 00:37:16,260
into ancient tribal cultures,
obscure scientific data,
629
00:37:16,330 --> 00:37:19,730
the thoughts of
great philosophers
would never come in handy.
630
00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:22,730
Then you moved in.
631
00:37:22,800 --> 00:37:28,410
Well, Tim, I'm reminded
of what Aristotle said
about Plato.
632
00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:32,080
"Keep the lid on tight,
otherwise it'll all dry out."
That's what I tell Mark.
633
00:37:35,450 --> 00:37:38,820
I like to create, Wilson.
Everything I do, I wanna
make bigger and better.
634
00:37:38,890 --> 00:37:44,090
Well, Tim, this
obsessive desire to
create partly happens
635
00:37:44,160 --> 00:37:46,790
because men feel
inferior to women.
636
00:37:46,860 --> 00:37:48,290
(GRUNTS)
637
00:37:49,630 --> 00:37:51,600
It's because we can't
bear children.
638
00:37:51,660 --> 00:37:53,660
I don't mind
the boys that much.
639
00:37:58,940 --> 00:38:01,470
Wilson, you're not
making me feel any better.
640
00:38:01,540 --> 00:38:06,610
Well, excuse me,
why do I always have
to be Santa's little helper?
641
00:38:06,680 --> 00:38:09,380
Well...
I mean, I have wants,
642
00:38:09,450 --> 00:38:12,280
I have needs, I have issues,
but does anyone ever come
to the fence
643
00:38:12,350 --> 00:38:14,250
and say, "Wilson,
do you have a problem?"
644
00:38:14,320 --> 00:38:16,890
I mean, no! It's just
"Me, me, me, me!"
645
00:38:27,130 --> 00:38:28,130
Tim?
646
00:38:28,200 --> 00:38:29,730
Wilson, you up?
647
00:38:31,970 --> 00:38:33,640
I am now.
648
00:38:33,710 --> 00:38:36,540
Have you ever had
a real annoying neighbor?
649
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:44,120
Tim, is this
a trick question?
650
00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:51,890
I sure miss you, Earl.
I really do.
651
00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:55,590
Wilson often quoted
philosopher Joseph Campbell,
652
00:38:55,660 --> 00:38:59,900
who said,
"Before you can create,
you must destroy."
653
00:39:01,430 --> 00:39:03,200
I've tried to
live by that.
654
00:39:04,940 --> 00:39:07,300
(SCREAMING)
655
00:39:15,150 --> 00:39:17,220
If that's good advice,
I'll give you
more good advice.
656
00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:19,550
Always think safety
when working with
a spinning lathe.
657
00:39:19,620 --> 00:39:20,850
You notice I didn't
wear a necktie.
658
00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:22,090
We get a lot of
letters about this.
659
00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:23,390
You want
nothing hanging down,
660
00:39:23,460 --> 00:39:25,420
and no loose clothing.
Possibility...
661
00:39:27,530 --> 00:39:29,160
Let me finish.
662
00:39:30,460 --> 00:39:31,860
Sometimes...
663
00:39:40,240 --> 00:39:41,910
(MIMICKING ENGINE)
664
00:39:46,410 --> 00:39:48,810
The mouse goes in
the little door here... Ah!
665
00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:52,850
(EXCLAIMING)
666
00:39:57,120 --> 00:39:59,490
Presto, you walk through
and door shuts.
667
00:40:00,730 --> 00:40:03,090
(MIMICKING ENGINE)
668
00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:04,700
Missed a shift.
669
00:40:06,830 --> 00:40:08,470
Ow!
670
00:40:08,530 --> 00:40:11,940
Al, I was gonna
get to that.
671
00:40:12,010 --> 00:40:15,170
You wanna set your
laminate securely on your
chimney's front and back.
672
00:40:15,240 --> 00:40:16,240
(EXCLAIMS)
673
00:40:33,230 --> 00:40:34,630
(JILL LAUGHING)
674
00:40:34,690 --> 00:40:37,390
What is this
thing on your head?
675
00:40:37,460 --> 00:40:39,660
It's a little piece
of table.
676
00:40:40,930 --> 00:40:42,700
Do you think
you should go to
the emergency room?
677
00:40:42,770 --> 00:40:45,240
I was just there.
They said I wasn't
a priority.
678
00:40:47,240 --> 00:40:50,370
Why? Was there
a guy with a whole table
stuck to his head?
679
00:40:52,550 --> 00:40:53,510
Ow!
680
00:40:53,580 --> 00:40:55,010
Tim.
Oh, ow!
681
00:40:56,320 --> 00:41:00,420
(MIMICKING ENGINE)
682
00:41:00,490 --> 00:41:03,790
TIM: It's a little weak here.
You wanna avoid
this area, too.
683
00:41:03,860 --> 00:41:05,660
(SCREAMING)
684
00:41:09,760 --> 00:41:11,760
(SCREAMING)
685
00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:17,700
AL: Tim!
686
00:41:19,070 --> 00:41:20,640
Al, you all right?
687
00:41:20,710 --> 00:41:22,110
Look out!
688
00:41:22,170 --> 00:41:23,880
Tim, your foot.
Don't hit the brake release!
689
00:41:23,940 --> 00:41:25,080
What?
690
00:41:36,560 --> 00:41:39,520
Good night, everybody.
Good night!
Bye!
691
00:41:39,590 --> 00:41:41,460
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
692
00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:45,760
Hey, just a little bow.
693
00:41:45,830 --> 00:41:47,770
TIM: A bow.
AL: A bow!
694
00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:55,440
HINDMAN: You know, we always close our show with bloopers. Guess what?
695
00:41:55,510 --> 00:41:59,880
Yes, you don't wanna be
the only one with an
incredibly desirable woman.
696
00:42:06,720 --> 00:42:09,190
Kiss me before
I get rigor mortis.
697
00:42:12,430 --> 00:42:14,060
Mmm.
698
00:42:14,130 --> 00:42:16,390
That just caused
rigor mortis in
a fashion.
699
00:42:16,460 --> 00:42:17,800
(LAUGHING)
53086
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