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1
00:00:25,139 --> 00:00:27,900
My friend.
Look at that.
2
00:00:28,540 --> 00:00:29,540
Same old.
Same old.
3
00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:32,819
The specials come in every week.
You're here every day now.
4
00:00:33,819 --> 00:00:35,179
Someone once told me
5
00:00:35,700 --> 00:00:37,980
there's a coffee you can buy,
made of poop.
6
00:00:38,819 --> 00:00:41,340
I know what you're thinking of.
It's not coffee made of poop.
7
00:00:41,420 --> 00:00:42,740
It's coffee
made from coffee.
8
00:00:43,420 --> 00:00:46,060
Okay, well, my information
was very wrong indeed.
9
00:00:46,139 --> 00:00:47,980
No. No, no, no.
I know what you're thinking of.
10
00:00:48,060 --> 00:00:50,779
There's this coffee
called Kopi Luwak.
11
00:00:50,859 --> 00:00:52,499
which is made
from coffee cherries
12
00:00:52,579 --> 00:00:55,179
that have been
through the intestines of a civet.
13
00:00:55,940 --> 00:00:57,579
Fuck off, Jay.
14
00:00:57,899 --> 00:00:59,459
Fool me once,
shame on you.
15
00:00:59,539 --> 00:01:02,700
Fool me twice, shame on me.
I'll have the Kenyan peaberry.
16
00:01:02,779 --> 00:01:03,779
It's true.
17
00:01:04,220 --> 00:01:06,339
I'll have a stick
of gender detecting gum.
18
00:01:06,419 --> 00:01:09,539
You think I just made up
the name "kopi luwak"?
19
00:01:09,619 --> 00:01:13,220
Yes. You didn't even really bother
trying to make it convincing.
20
00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:15,580
- Kopi wak-wak.
- Luwak.
21
00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:19,300
- Through the bowels of the civet.
- Yep. Look it up.
22
00:01:20,300 --> 00:01:22,259
No, because then
you'll just say,
23
00:01:22,339 --> 00:01:24,220
"My God, he actually
tried to look it up."
24
00:01:24,699 --> 00:01:25,699
I'll look it up.
25
00:01:26,140 --> 00:01:27,220
You have to show me.
26
00:01:27,580 --> 00:01:30,699
Can't just say, "yeah, there it is",
and put your phone back in your pocket.
27
00:01:30,780 --> 00:01:34,059
That is literally why I'm looking it up,
to show you.
28
00:01:37,979 --> 00:01:39,419
Jesus Christ.
29
00:01:39,899 --> 00:01:41,860
And we wonder
why we have viruses.
30
00:01:41,940 --> 00:01:44,580
A cup of that will cost you
40 bucks or so.
31
00:01:44,660 --> 00:01:46,140
- For real?
- For real.
32
00:01:47,459 --> 00:01:48,699
Oh. I'd buy it,
if you sold it.
33
00:01:48,780 --> 00:01:49,819
Why?
34
00:01:49,899 --> 00:01:51,819
I like you, Jay.
I want to help the business.
35
00:01:51,899 --> 00:01:54,339
That will cost me,
like, 30 dollars per cup.
36
00:01:54,419 --> 00:01:56,860
- You wouldn't be helping me.
- So, charge 50.
37
00:01:58,140 --> 00:02:00,740
You are the only customer I have
who has 50 bucks to spend
38
00:02:00,819 --> 00:02:01,899
on a cup of coffee.
39
00:02:02,419 --> 00:02:03,740
They have the 50 bucks.
40
00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:05,819
They just don't want
anyone to know they have it.
41
00:02:05,899 --> 00:02:08,259
That's your demographic.
Too many liberals,
42
00:02:08,340 --> 00:02:12,340
feminists, vegans, cyclists,
the wrong kind of gay.
43
00:02:12,419 --> 00:02:14,819
Please tell me what
the right kind of gay is.
44
00:02:15,139 --> 00:02:17,060
The ones who like
to spend a ton of money
45
00:02:17,139 --> 00:02:18,979
looking good and living it up.
46
00:02:19,060 --> 00:02:22,380
You think that kind of gay wants
to spend 50 bucks on civet poop?
47
00:02:22,460 --> 00:02:23,620
That doesn't make them
look good.
48
00:02:23,699 --> 00:02:27,299
You literally just told me
that it's coffee, not poop.
49
00:02:27,620 --> 00:02:29,900
I was trying to use shorthand
for comic purposes.
50
00:02:29,979 --> 00:02:31,900
And before I get myself
into hot water,
51
00:02:31,979 --> 00:02:33,340
I wasn't talking about you.
52
00:02:33,419 --> 00:02:36,259
You look good, but I know you don't
spend a lot of money on looking good.
53
00:02:36,340 --> 00:02:37,500
I don't have
a lot of money.
54
00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:40,180
And by the way,
I'm not gay.
55
00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:42,739
What?
56
00:02:43,139 --> 00:02:44,539
What the hell are you, then?
57
00:02:44,620 --> 00:02:47,380
- I'm an ace.
- A what now?
58
00:02:47,460 --> 00:02:50,019
- Asexual.
- That's not a thing.
59
00:02:50,100 --> 00:02:52,940
Oh, my God.
Sometimes I feel like I'm talking
60
00:02:53,019 --> 00:02:54,699
to Humphrey Bogart
or someone.
61
00:02:54,780 --> 00:02:56,699
Well, I'm sure
there are asexual worms,
62
00:02:56,780 --> 00:02:58,699
but there aren't
any asexual people.
63
00:02:58,780 --> 00:03:00,259
Then how come
I'm an ace?
64
00:03:00,340 --> 00:03:01,699
- You're not.
- I am.
65
00:03:01,780 --> 00:03:03,900
I have no desire for sex.
66
00:03:03,979 --> 00:03:06,100
Only romantic,
platonic relationships.
67
00:03:06,180 --> 00:03:09,299
- Good luck with that, pal.
- Hey, it works for me.
68
00:03:09,979 --> 00:03:11,579
You have no desire for sex?
69
00:03:11,660 --> 00:03:12,900
My libido's almost zero.
70
00:03:13,419 --> 00:03:15,180
Wow. And you can
just tell people that
71
00:03:15,259 --> 00:03:16,940
without any sense
of embarrassment?
72
00:03:17,019 --> 00:03:19,259
I don't care. I'm an ace.
73
00:03:19,620 --> 00:03:21,220
See? No one cares.
It's like saying
74
00:03:21,299 --> 00:03:23,139
I'm a part
of a particular blood group.
75
00:03:23,220 --> 00:03:24,380
The rest
is just bullshit.
76
00:03:24,739 --> 00:03:26,460
Yeah, that's a way
forward for me.
77
00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:28,940
- What is?
- Jay's an ace.
78
00:03:29,380 --> 00:03:30,460
Yeah, I know.
79
00:03:30,780 --> 00:03:32,340
You think that's a way
forward for you?
80
00:03:32,419 --> 00:03:34,180
- Is that what you're saying?
- What do you think?
81
00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:36,699
I'm not sure that's you.
82
00:03:37,460 --> 00:03:38,819
Neither am I.
83
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:43,419
Hey, wait, are either of you
saying that in an insulting way?
84
00:03:44,019 --> 00:03:46,500
- I'm neutral. I don't care.
- I'm kind of mixed.
85
00:03:46,579 --> 00:03:47,900
Mixed?
86
00:03:47,979 --> 00:03:49,940
Maybe you two
should go sit down and talk.
87
00:03:50,460 --> 00:03:52,100
Coffee, please,
88
00:04:01,419 --> 00:04:02,739
You're kind of mixed?
89
00:04:03,699 --> 00:04:06,539
That I'm not asexual?
Today of all days?
90
00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:09,340
Last night was great.
Thank you.
91
00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:12,620
Well, not so great
that you don't wish I was an ace.
92
00:04:12,699 --> 00:04:16,019
I don't wish you're an ace.
I'm just saying that you're...
93
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:19,700
You're untrammeled heterosexuality
is a blessing and a curse.
94
00:04:20,979 --> 00:04:23,419
Because of the old days.
95
00:04:24,340 --> 00:04:25,499
Not just.
96
00:04:25,580 --> 00:04:27,020
What the hell else is wrong with it?
97
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,299
And why are you saying
there's anything wrong with it
98
00:04:29,379 --> 00:04:31,499
when we had
great sex last night?
99
00:04:31,859 --> 00:04:34,979
You know that great sex
isn't the answer to much, right?
100
00:04:35,059 --> 00:04:38,100
Really?
Great sex is often the answer
101
00:04:38,179 --> 00:04:39,739
to problems
between men and women.
102
00:04:40,260 --> 00:04:41,299
That's what makes it great.
103
00:04:41,619 --> 00:04:43,580
Did you have great sex
in the old days?
104
00:04:43,660 --> 00:04:45,260
The New York apartment days?
105
00:04:45,700 --> 00:04:48,939
What does that even mean?
"Great sex."
106
00:04:49,020 --> 00:04:52,059
Exactly the same
as it meant 30 seconds ago,
107
00:04:52,140 --> 00:04:54,379
when you said
it was the answer to everything.
108
00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:56,379
I didn't have any problems
with those women.
109
00:04:56,859 --> 00:04:58,379
But you did have great sex.
110
00:04:59,260 --> 00:05:02,619
I didn't have problem-solving sex.
111
00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:03,979
Meaning it wasn't great?
112
00:05:04,059 --> 00:05:07,059
Yes. Yes, actually.
Meaning it wasn't great.
113
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,179
This is bullshit, right?
114
00:05:09,260 --> 00:05:11,299
It was less than.
115
00:05:11,820 --> 00:05:13,020
Less than?
116
00:05:13,859 --> 00:05:15,660
Because there were no problems.
117
00:05:16,419 --> 00:05:17,820
No problems to solve.
118
00:05:18,499 --> 00:05:19,939
And that isn't as good.
119
00:05:21,419 --> 00:05:24,419
This theory of sex
you've had for how long?
120
00:05:24,499 --> 00:05:26,460
I'm not claiming
to have had it for a long time.
121
00:05:26,780 --> 00:05:29,619
You're just making me realize
something that is true.
122
00:05:29,979 --> 00:05:33,460
It's true because you want it to be true
for these five minutes,
123
00:05:34,179 --> 00:05:37,900
while you try desperately to think
of some reason why having sex
124
00:05:37,979 --> 00:05:41,179
with your 61-year-old wife
of 30 years
125
00:05:41,260 --> 00:05:43,299
is better than the sex
you used to have
126
00:05:43,379 --> 00:05:45,660
with a procession
of young women.
127
00:05:45,739 --> 00:05:47,539
I don't even know
why you're doing it.
128
00:05:47,939 --> 00:05:49,820
Because I want the sex
we had last night
129
00:05:49,900 --> 00:05:51,939
to mean something.
So, shoot me.
130
00:05:52,660 --> 00:05:58,539
Okay, let's say last night
was problem solving sex.
131
00:05:58,619 --> 00:05:59,660
Which it was.
132
00:06:01,020 --> 00:06:03,299
And you believe
the problem is now solved?
133
00:06:04,020 --> 00:06:05,700
I mean, you tell me.
134
00:06:06,140 --> 00:06:07,700
- Oh, my God.
- What?
135
00:06:08,419 --> 00:06:10,859
You genuinely believe
it might be?
136
00:06:11,859 --> 00:06:14,340
Well, no, obviously not.
137
00:06:14,419 --> 00:06:15,900
Let's say, though, that it is.
138
00:06:15,979 --> 00:06:17,580
Well, that would be insane.
139
00:06:17,660 --> 00:06:19,539
I'm speaking now
purely hypothetically.
140
00:06:20,739 --> 00:06:23,580
If problem-solving sex
is better than normal sex
141
00:06:23,660 --> 00:06:25,379
and the problem is now solved...
142
00:06:25,780 --> 00:06:27,780
I see where
you're going with this.
143
00:06:27,859 --> 00:06:30,979
Why would either of us
want less than sex from now on?
144
00:06:32,179 --> 00:06:33,299
We have a lot of problems.
145
00:06:34,939 --> 00:06:36,179
Okay, look...
146
00:06:41,419 --> 00:06:42,460
I don't know.
147
00:06:42,539 --> 00:06:43,780
Sex is sex.
148
00:06:44,460 --> 00:06:45,859
I guess, is the point.
149
00:06:47,179 --> 00:06:51,100
We've had it often
and it never solved any problems.
150
00:06:51,660 --> 00:06:52,780
And we've had many.
151
00:06:53,660 --> 00:06:54,979
You will have sex again.
152
00:06:55,419 --> 00:06:57,619
Almost certainly with
someone younger than me
153
00:06:57,700 --> 00:07:00,539
because men always end up
with someone younger than them.
154
00:07:01,619 --> 00:07:04,260
And it won't solve
any problems then either.
155
00:07:05,220 --> 00:07:07,100
The only problem
sex solves
156
00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:09,739
is the problem
of not having sex.
157
00:07:11,619 --> 00:07:13,059
I don't agree.
158
00:07:13,140 --> 00:07:16,619
But why do we keep
coming around to the same thing?
159
00:07:16,700 --> 00:07:18,820
Why do you want
to solve the problems?
160
00:07:18,900 --> 00:07:20,340
We were always different.
161
00:07:21,660 --> 00:07:24,100
And then we became
more different
162
00:07:24,179 --> 00:07:27,859
with each passing year,
and these last few years
163
00:07:29,859 --> 00:07:33,379
the differences have become
more and more pronounced,
164
00:07:33,460 --> 00:07:35,499
and now you're way over there
165
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:37,739
and I'm over here, and it...
166
00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:42,460
It happens.
167
00:07:43,780 --> 00:07:46,859
It doesn't mean
either of us is a bad person.
168
00:07:49,780 --> 00:07:51,619
I'm just not a divorce guy.
169
00:07:51,700 --> 00:07:54,979
Well, I wouldn't describe myself
as a divorced gal,
170
00:07:55,059 --> 00:07:57,660
but I have no problem
with the idea.
171
00:07:59,660 --> 00:08:02,939
We did well to get to this point.
Let's not push our luck.
172
00:08:03,460 --> 00:08:05,419
What would happen
if we pushed our luck?
173
00:08:07,419 --> 00:08:08,660
Unhappiness.
174
00:08:10,979 --> 00:08:13,979
Maybe violence and murder.
175
00:08:15,780 --> 00:08:18,859
You don't believe that.
The Quakers don't believe that.
176
00:08:18,939 --> 00:08:20,700
That's why I went
to the Quakers.
177
00:08:20,780 --> 00:08:23,660
- Come on.
- I was having dark thoughts.
178
00:08:24,260 --> 00:08:25,780
- Stop.
- Scott...
179
00:08:27,739 --> 00:08:28,780
I'm not joking.
180
00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:31,979
You seriously
wanted to murder me?
181
00:08:32,059 --> 00:08:33,979
No. No, of course not.
182
00:08:37,139 --> 00:08:38,739
I just wanted you to die.
183
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:47,379
How?
184
00:08:47,899 --> 00:08:49,779
Nothing long and painful.
185
00:08:51,700 --> 00:08:53,100
A massive heart attack.
186
00:08:55,499 --> 00:08:57,979
A car crash
that killed you instantly.
187
00:09:05,659 --> 00:09:07,859
But, of course,
I didn't really want you dead.
188
00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:12,139
I wanted to take a lazy way out.
189
00:09:14,060 --> 00:09:15,580
That's the lazy way out?
190
00:09:16,979 --> 00:09:18,940
Glad you didn't go
for the energetic one.
191
00:09:19,739 --> 00:09:22,979
And, by the way,
I've heard anecdotally
192
00:09:23,060 --> 00:09:25,420
that car crashes can be painful.
193
00:09:27,379 --> 00:09:28,659
I didn't want to do this.
194
00:09:31,139 --> 00:09:32,420
Come here and tell you that
195
00:09:32,499 --> 00:09:34,379
I don't want to be married
to you anymore.
196
00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:38,779
It's been awful.
197
00:09:42,379 --> 00:09:45,940
I honestly thought it would be
something I could turn around.
198
00:09:47,540 --> 00:09:48,540
I'm sorry.
199
00:09:50,580 --> 00:09:53,460
- I mean, I've been listening.
- I know.
200
00:09:55,619 --> 00:09:58,979
But I was listening
in order to rebut.
201
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:03,259
Now I'm listening.
202
00:10:05,859 --> 00:10:07,379
Yeah, I hear you.
203
00:10:10,820 --> 00:10:13,180
I know I can't turn you around.
204
00:10:16,220 --> 00:10:17,300
Shit.
205
00:10:18,340 --> 00:10:19,499
What?
206
00:10:21,899 --> 00:10:23,100
I don't know.
207
00:10:24,779 --> 00:10:26,979
I was kind of okay
with everything because...
208
00:10:29,540 --> 00:10:33,899
there was some resistance,
you were propping me up, kind of...
209
00:10:35,540 --> 00:10:37,659
And now the resistance
has collapsed.
210
00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:41,220
And?
211
00:10:43,139 --> 00:10:44,139
And...
212
00:10:45,820 --> 00:10:47,100
I feel a bit sick
213
00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:53,259
Maybe I should keep resisting
214
00:10:57,139 --> 00:10:59,899
- It's too tiring.
- I was kind of joking.
215
00:11:05,820 --> 00:11:06,940
We should go.
216
00:11:09,580 --> 00:11:11,340
What do you want to talk about today?
217
00:11:13,700 --> 00:11:15,580
Gotta be dark thoughts, right?
218
00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:19,499
Dark thoughts
219
00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:21,700
and how to avoid them.
220
00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:34,139
You know, I'm already seeing ways
221
00:11:34,220 --> 00:11:37,859
of how the car crash
could become a near miss.
222
00:11:40,180 --> 00:11:41,259
Great.
16394
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