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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sierra Katow.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Thank you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

All right. For me?

Stop it.

Me? Ooh.

No, stop. Oh.

All right. Yeah, That's enough.

Jesus Christ.

No. You guys are wonderful. Thank you for coming out.

Fun fact about me,

I actually have a degree in computer science.

Yeah. All right.

Pretty good.

And now I'm a comedian.

Mmm.

Right? What did I do? What went wrong?

No. I think what happened

is when I was deciding what I wanted to do with my life,

I wasn't sure if I wanted to be another Asian

computer programmer.

And see, that internalized racism,

that cost me millions of dollars.

Okay? That's why you shouldn't be racist, 'cause, whoo,

that shit's expensive. Yeah.

I enjoy being a comedian.

I do love it, you know.

Clearly, I'm not in it for the money, so...

I better have fun, or whatever.

And I started doing this really young.

I started doing stand-up when I was 16.

Which, yeah,

where were my parents to stamp that out of me early?

Right?

To their credit, they're very supportive.

They're actually here today.

Give it up for them, yeah.

Right there.

I remember when I told my mom for the first time

that I wanted to do stand-up, she was like,

"Oh, yeah,

"me and your dad used to go see live comedy all the time,

"back when we were dating."

Which...

Gross, right?

Like, I get that my parents were human, or whatever,

before I was born,

but keep me out of it, okay?

Yeah, I just... I want a respectful distance from my elders.

That's all I ask. Okay?

Because I had a friend, growing up,

who was, like, so close to his parents

that he called them by their first names.

Yeah. You guys have any friends like that? -

Hmm?

No one had any white friends, no?

He was kind of weird, this friend.

Like, I remember I went over to his house

and he was yelling at his dad.

He was like, "Yo, Vincent,

"get me a Capri Sun!" Jesus...

Christ.

Vincent?

"That is your father, right?

"Show a little respect.

"What are you gonna do next? Fuck his wife?

"That's your mother."

Gross.

Unless it's your step-mom. In which case, "Hey."

Right? We've all seen that one.

You know what I'm talking about?

Just fire up the old incognito window.

That's all I ask, okay?

Yeah, that's gross.

You guys brought it up. Don't fucking look at me.

I'm trying to make this a family show, okay?

My parents are here. My God.

And, hey, step-mom content.

That's about as family as it gets.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah? -

Let's keep it in the family content. Yup.

Hell, yeah. Fuck, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, my parents are very supportive of this career.

Suckers. You know.

Fumbled a great retirement plan.

And here I am still doing it over a decade later.

Uh...

Which... Yeah.

Pretty strange.

I think starting something that young, though,

you kind of do it for the wrong reasons, you know?

Because I was 16, I was kind of a weird, nerd kid.

So I thought... I thought doing stand-up would make me,

like, less socially awkward.

It didn't work.

All right? Like, I just recently ran into a friend on the street.

Unexpectedly.

That should be illegal.

Like, you want me to make spontaneous conversation? Kill me.

I did my best, you know? I... I...

I asked this friend, I was like, "Oh,

"how are you?" "Pretty good."

Thinking on my toes.

And he responded,

then he asked me back, "How are you?" Which...

I know that one.

Well played, sir. Yeah.

So I responded. And then I asked him back,

"How are you?"

Which is one too many, right?

We're only allowed one per person. That's off by one.

My bad. See, comedy didn't work. Okay?

Still fucking awkward, and...

I should have picked another profession.

And I had other options, right?

Even before comedy, even before computers,

I'm sure you guys can tell this about me.

I was supposed to be a professional basketball player.

Yeah. Thank you.

Yeah. I don't know why you're laughing, but okay.

Yeah, thank you.

You know, I... I played for eight years, growing up.

Mmm-hmm. I started at 2-10. That's a height.

Not a time. Okay?

I get it. I didn't have, like, the height or the wingspan

to be a successful basketball player.

But, you know, I'm glad I played

because I learned a really valuable lesson

that I could use for a future in entertainment.

Which is this, you know? It doesn't matter.

You work really hard, you practice every day,

and your dreams will still be crushed. Okay?

So...

Yeah. Good.

It's good to know early. I say, "Teach it in the womb." Okay?

But I didn't have the basketball bod, all right?

You know what? This body walks into a room,

everybody immediately looks,

they go, "That's... That's a comedian."

"That's a comedy bod right there."

Yeah, my body is always coming up with funny material.

Like I discovered this about myself recently,

in the nighttime.

I discovered I can actually wear an eye mask,

you know, one of those sleeping masks,

as a bra. Ooh.

That's a good one, body. Right?

Twisty punch line. The whole thing.

You know, I'm a grown woman, but I'm still stuck

in the training-bra phase of life.

You know what the training-bra phase is?

That's sort of when you're going through puberty.

Right?

And developing breasts or whatever people do.

What do you...

What do you call it?

Breasts?

And you wear a training bra.

You know, a training bra. That's sort of a smaller bra.

It's more of a formality.

Right.

It's supposed to train you to one day graduate to a big-girl bra.

Yeah?

I see some graduates here tonight. -

Congratulations.

Mazel tov.

But look, I guess I didn't train hard enough.

Or I trained too damn hard, because clearly, my boobs died

in some training accident. They never...

made it home. What happened?

You know, I've... I've just always been a little smaller, you know.

And small... I didn't know I was small, right?

Because I come from a small people.

Yeah. My family, a bunch of little tinies.

A bunch of little pip-squeak losers. Just kick them around.

Yeah. Look at 'em over there. Tiny little...

Like, I'm 5'1",

but compared to some of my family members, ooh,

I'm kind of massive.

Like, I go back to Christmas just like Godzilla.

Like, elbowing uncles on the top of the head.

Like, giving a noogie to Grandma. And...

I know she likes it. I wouldn't do that

if she didn't specifically request. Okay?

She's kinky like that. And...

I respect my elders, so I do as told.

Yeah, I think when I tell normal-sized people,

that I have family who's smaller than me,

they look at me like I just told them

their dog has its own dog.

"Oh, my God." They're like, "I didn't know they bred them that small.

"Is that safe?"

"What if I step on it?"

Which, if you're gonna step on one of us, step on Grandma.

You know, she's...

She's kinky like that, you know?

No, I joke, right?

When I'm talking about my grandma,

I'm not talking about my grandma.

You guys know this.

I'm just joking about the dead one.

You know, there's...

I have two grandmas. One passed away a while ago.

So she's easier to joke about because I don't see her, right?

She died before I was born. Quick bitch. So, who knows?

Who knows what she was like?

You know, maybe she was kind of kinky. That's...

That would explain a lot.

You know what I'm saying?

No. My... That's my... That's my dad's mom.

Okay, sorry, Dad.

We'll talk about it later. We'll be fine.

But...

There were... I'm not gonna look over there

anytime soon. Okay.

Yikes. We'll be fine. Okay.

But, hey, maybe that's why I got into comedy, you know?

Because the extra height from the stage, you know what I mean?

Right? Hell yeah.

Is she 5 feet? Is she 15? We don't know.

We can't tell.

I also like having a microphone.

Because I have a little bit of a quieter voice, naturally.

Which you can't tell because I have a microphone.

And I know this,

people are always telling me to speak up.

"Can you speak up? Can you be a little louder?"

Which, well, I don't like.

Like, telling me to speak up,

pretty racist.

It's kind of racist, yeah?

I'm not gonna explain why, okay?

Those who get it, get it.

-Yeah! - Yeah?

Those who don't...

Good luck out there.

People are always telling me tips,

like, "Use your diaphragm to be a little louder.

"Use your diaphragm," which... That's...

Diaphragm, it's like a membrane

underneath your lungs. That's what that is.

It's supposed to help you project.

Which would be great advice

if it weren't something inside of my body

I can't control.

Are you kidding me? My diaphragm?

Like, you know, everybody knows

that your insides do their insides things, right?

So that our outsides, we may do our outsides things.

And never the twain shall meet. That's just...

...science.

Are you kidding me?

Use my diaphragm?

What do you want me to do next while I'm in there?

You want me to poke my gallbladder?

Do you want me to squeeze my uterus?

I mean, I can kind of squeeze my uterus, you know I'm talking about?

We can do that.

We can do that, right? Those are...

Those are called Kegel exercises.

You gotta do them every day, okay? Yeah.

Right? Because you can't skip vag day.

You can't do it.

Don't do it. I've been doing them

the whole time I've been up here.

You guys didn't even know, huh?

because listen, I've got a tight schedule,

but I need an even tighter...

vagina, okay? Don't get ahead of the joke.

I wasn't too worried about my softer voice

until a friend told me, he was like,

"Ugh, you know, being that quiet,

"it makes you seem like a pushover."

Which, I mean, he can say whatever he wants about me.

What am I gonna do?

I can't yell at him.

But that gave me the kick in the butt

to, like, make a change, you know, fix this voice thing.

So I did what we all do when we want to make,

like, a drastic transformation in our lives.

I watched a YouTube tutorial.

I found this video, it was like,

you know, "How to be louder,"

and had this sweet man giving instructions.

He also had a quieter voice,

so, you know, "Gang gang."

He had a bit of a receding hairline,

but, you know, this is a voice tutorial,

not a hair tutorial...

...so we can cool it on the judgment, everybody. Jesus.

One of his first tips was that if you want

to be louder immediately, you can use twang.

And twang, it's like this thing where,

I guess, you pipe your voice through your nose a little bit.

You get a little more friction.

And that makes you louder.

So I might give a demonstration for you tonight, if that's okay.

Quickly. Okay.

All right. You know...

You know...

So this is my voice without twang, you know, a little softer.

Right?

And then this is my voice

with twang. It's kind of like...

Pretty good, huh?

And that's just after one video.

So imagine what it'll sound like

after that guy gets hair plugs.

Pretty loud.

I think another childish reason I started to do comedy

was that I thought it would make people like me more.

Which is... It's a very kind of icky, insecure thing to say,

but I did, you know?

And I was young, I didn't know at the time that, like,

you can't control what people like,

you drive yourself crazy, right?

And now I'm older, and I feel like the cooler thing to say would be like,

"Oh, now, I give zero fucks," you know?

"Now I tell..." You know?

But no, that's not me either.

I give like 35, 36 fucks...

...on a good day, so...

Yeah. Plus, stand-up, it's kind of a desperate,

insecure thing to do, you know?

All I do, I come out here, I'm like,

"And then what about this joke? Do you like me?"

"And then, remember, I did the thing with the nose,

then do you like me now?"

You know, it's so disgusting.

On top of that, sometimes, you know, we do stand-up,

we put our videos online, some of those videos go viral.

And then you not only learn how much people like you,

but also how much people hate you...

and want you to kill yourself with a blunt object.

Even on the weekends.

Fun fact about me, I like to read all of the comments.

Yeah.

And by "Read," I mean I scroll past all the nicies,

I get right to the meanies.

Yeah, because the mean comments,

those are the ones that count, you know that, yeah?

Mean comments, those are the real ones, right?

Because it's kind of like how somebody compliments you.

They're lying.

They're lying to your face, right?

But if they insult you behind your back,

that's the God's honest truth.

That's the purest form of expression right there.

So I'll just list off some of my favorite

mean comments, okay?

We've got the classics, okay?

The first one, "I watched the whole video,

"where were the jokes?"

Which, hey...

Look, he's a man, he's lost.

I respect a man who asks for directions.

Number two,

"Just more proof women aren't funny."

Yeah.

Sorry, ladies.

I set us back.

And then three, my personal favorite,

"Don't quit your day job at the massage parlor."

Massage parlor.

It's sort of a sexist, racist reference, right,

to women who work at massage parlors,

Asian women.

They also maybe offer sexual services like hand jobs.

It's sex work, you know? It's a way to pay the bills.

But this guy thought he was jabbing at me

by being like, "You should be doing that job

"instead of the job you want to be doing."

But, uh, you know, joke's on him,

right, because one of my exes

once described my hand jobs

as "Kind of on the painful side," so...

I couldn't even get a job at a massage parlor

even if I wanted to, sir.

Okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Checkmate.

No, but I'm not gonna lie.

Some of those mean comments, they got to me.

All right? I have thin skin.

Okay? I was raised by loving, caring parents, so...

We all know that makes you into a bit of a beta cuck.

You know, I kind of started to give up on comedy.

You know, I would...

I just felt like I wasn't good at it.

Why bother, you know?

And I would still perform, I would still do it,

but I just... My heart wasn't in it anymore.

Kind of like the way I give hand jobs.

But don't worry. I started to focus on new goals.

You know, new goals.

Things I felt like I could actually accomplish, right?

Like, for instance, this is new for me to say out loud,

but it's actually one of my lifelong goals now, um...

to never be murdered.

Never...

Yeah. Thank you.

Wow. Get that off my chest.

Yeah.

I know, very ambitious of me.

I put it on my vision board and everything.

Not even once, but I've taken steps to get there.

Like, I got pepper spray.

Yeah.

Baby's first pepper spray. Hell, yeah.

I got that guy in my purse,

so if anyone's thinking of attacking me

after the show...

...game on, buddy.

I actually ordered it online, the pepper spray.

It came in the mail.

It's kind of in a hard, plastic casing.

I couldn't... you know, I was trying to get it open, but I'm pretty weak,

which is why I need the pepper spray. Um...

I try to get in there...

So, it's it's in my bag,

but it's still stuck in the plastic.

I'm just hoping a guy pulls a knife on me soon,

so he can help me fucking open that thing.

Damn it, I'll spray him in the eyes as a thank you.

Another self-defense tip, they say,

is like, say you're walking alone at night,

you know, and your pepper spray is still stuck in the plastic,

you can actually use your car keys or house keys

and put them in between your fingers.

Kind of like this.

And then you're Wolverine and you can't die.

Yeah, you just heal.

It's crazy. You're in a ton of movies.

Jacked his fuck. Uh...

No, that's sort of a weapon, right, when you put it there.

Or actually, you hold it like a knife, that's better.

And then, you know, if an aggressor

or a murderer is coming at you, right,

you take that...

You take that and then you stab him in the throat!

You get him right in the soft spot!

Yeah.

Or her. Or her, you know?

Right? Because I'm a feminist.

Okay?

And look, I believe in equal pay, but also equal stabbing.

#closethestabgap

We have that power. All right, no.

I mean, you know, you have that weapon,

and then you stab him or her in the throat,

get him there...

And also, what is gender, right?

Really, because statistically, yes,

my attacker is gonna be a cis-man.

but why is that, huh?

Is it because, you know, we condition men

to only express their emotion through anger, violence?

When he's trying to hurt me,

is it because he's the one who's hurt?

On the inside.

So anyway, you stab him in the throat,

you get him right in the jugular,

you let him bleed out,

and then who's the murderer now? Hoo-hoo. -

Ooh, yeah. The woman. Oh!

A little subversion.

The student becomes the teacher, as they say.

Yes.

I talk about self-defense a lot.

I think about it too much, I think.

It's because, you know, look, do other women feel this way?

I feel like I was raised, as a girl,

to just be like a prey animal, you know?

Just like a field rabbit out there,

just with ears and eyes looking out for rapists.

Where's the rapists?

I'm sorry. I looked right at my dad when I said that.

I'm sorry.

We'll talk about it later. We'll talk about it later.

Where's the rapist? You know, it's just... It's instinct.

Honestly, it's because I had a very cautious mom,

growing up, you know?

Even for tonight's show, she was a little bit like, "Okay, are you sure

"it's a comedy show taping?"

"It's... It's not a trap..."

"...set by child molesters?"

My mom also will do that thing

where she likes to pre-traumatize me

in order to scare me away from real trauma, right?

Like, get this, she'll just...

message me details about local murders.

Just two keep me on my toes, you know?

She texted me, "Hey, Sierra,

"there was a girl nearby.

"About your age."

"Kind of looked like you."

"She was dragged out into the woods,

"raped, murdered, beheaded, the whole shebang.

"Police never found a trace.

"So be careful out there."

I look at that, I go, "Whoa,

"police never found a trace, then, Mom, how do you know?

"Did you kill this bitch? Jesus."

Oh, my God.

My dad had a slightly different technique.

I remember, when I was a kid, you know, I was getting ready for bed,

and in my childhood bedroom, my bed was right by the window.

My first mistake.

Because little did I know, my dad had exited the house,

scurried around the perimeter,

and then popped his head right by my bed!

And you know how there's fight or flight,

two really good survival instincts

we should all partake in.

Well, I chose option C, and I just froze.

And he looked at that and said, "See,

"you would have been dead."

And then poof, he disappeared.

I never saw him again.

He stuck around and raised me, but, hey... -

...I'm lucky to be alive, right?

We don't thank our fathers enough

for not just murdering us in our sleep, I think.

I know my parents do these weird things because they...

They worry, you know?

And look, I get it, I'm their only daughter

who's not my bitch of a sister, so...

Yikes. The stakes are high.

I'm kidding. My sister's here, too. Shout out to her.

We'll talk about it later.

I love my sister. Uh...

I hope this is okay for me to stay here.

She has actually some exciting news.

Uh, my sister is trying to get pregnant.

Bit of a slut.

Slutty thing to do. Uh...

No, I'm kidding. Her and her long-term husband

are having unprotected sex, so... -

TMI. Uh...

No, I'm excited for them,

and I'm excited to be an aunt for the first time.

Yeah, I know.

I'm gonna be a fun aunt, or a funt. That's...

Funty Sierra, Dirty Little Funt,

whatever the kid wants to call me. -

Whatever sticks.

But I think when people hear, you know, my sister is married,

she's apparently having more productive sex than me...

...they think that I might feel a little inferior.

No, I'm...

I don't feel in competition with my sister. I...

She won that a long time ago. Uh...

If anything, I feel in competition with...

her unborn baby, right?

Yeah.

Listen, I've been the baby of the family, right?

Undefeated champ.

Now a real baby is gonna come in and take my spot? Mmm.

Don't think so.

I'm gonna have to fight this baby.

Okay? I don't want to have to do it.

But as the prophecy foretells,

neither can live while the other survives.

That's a Harry Potter Voldemort reference.

Some of you laughed.

Those are the J. K. Rowling apologists.

Get them out of the building.

I should come clean. That baby's been born. That baby...

That's an old joke. So...

I know. That baby's, like,

32. I don't know what the fuck...

Why am I still saying that joke?

It's a funny joke, right?

What am I gonna do? Write a new one? Are you kidding me?

One thing they do say is, if your sibling has a kid,

you're more likely to have a kid.

Challenge accepted, right?

Let's see that happen.

I don't know. I get it. I get it, right.

Because I love my nephew so much.

He's so cute. And I'm his little funty.

So cute, right?

I love him...

And my favorite thing about him is that he's not mine. Right?

He's not mine. We've have fun tonight. Okay, enough.

No-take-back-ies.

Ew.

And things remind me more of having kids, though.

Like, I was just driving on the freeway,

I saw this billboard,

and it had a little cute, little baby handprint on it.

And it said, "Fingerprints at nine weeks."

So I guess it was an anti-abortion billboard

that was basically saying, like, at nine weeks,

the embryo developed something resembling fingerprints.

So maybe think about it.

Right? I was like, "Oh, shit."

So if I were to get pregnant,

and then the embryo had fingerprints

unique to that embryo,

and then that embryo commits a crime,

that crime can get traced back to me.

Oh, fuck, no! I better abort the shit out of the embryo!

Kidding me? Right?

I was on the fence before, but then I saw that billboard,

I was like, "Jesus Christ, yeah.

"Scrape this criminal clump of cells out of me."

Ugh!

No give-back-sies.

So, yeah, and I'm at a stage in my life

where, you know, I don't see

a lot of failed abortions running around.

Or kids. Sorry. Kids running around. Jesus, what do you call them?

I don't see a lot of kids, sorry,

running around.

I don't have a lot of friends who have kids, right?

I'm a childless adult living in a city.

So, you know, I see kids on TV.

Which, kids on TV, they're not like kids in real life.

They don't tell you this.

Kids on TV, they're like, 25.

Pretty hot.

Kids in real life, young.

Ugly as fuck.

I live very close to a middle school, though,

which, I realize, if I peek outside my window

at just the right time...

Sorry, that's creepy. At just the wrong time...

Sorry.

I see kids walking home from school, you know?

And it's beautiful, you know, it's nice to see,

like, the youth still thriving out there.

Yeah, because I mean, for me,

spotting a kid in the wild today,

it's like spotting a classic car still on the road.

You know? "Wow.

"I didn't know people were still making those."

Didn't we agree they're kind of bad for the environment?

I guess it's fine.

But clearly, I don't know if I want kids.

You know, could still happen.

I recently got engaged.

Yeah.

Thank you.

To the love of my life.

You know, we met really young.

We met when I was 19,

and he was 47, and...

No, he was 12. He went to the middle school, so it was really convenient.

No. No, he was a year older.

We met my second year of college,

and then we've been together ever since, so yeah.

Thank you. Yeah.

And, hey, that was eight years before we got engaged.

So, yeah. I mean, I think being together that long,

I wanted the engagement

to feel less like a traditional betrothal

and more like an ultimatum.

You know.

But hey, gun to his head,

he fucking committed. You know what I mean? Aww.

If that's not true love, I don't want it.

I'm super lucky. I feel lucky.

Any other long-termers out here?

Long-term relationship folks.

All right, all right.

Okay. My parents didn't cheer.

Wow. Um...

Because of my situation, I haven't really dated in my adult life.

I know that's a little controversial

when I tell single friends who have been single for a while.

It's kind of like telling a war veteran

that you dodged the draft.

You're like, "Oh, my God, I'm sorry."

Bone spurs.

And my single friends, they always want to tell me

their horror stories of dating. Phew.

Right. They're like... "You do not know

"what I've been through."

Which...

All my single friends smoke, I guess, that's why they sound like that.

But...

They're like, "Back in '22..."

Jesus.

"Back in '22, we lost my best friend, Lisa,

"to a flotilla of fuckboys."

These fuckboys, they're coming by land and by sea.

They'll be like, "Back in 'Nam..."

Which 'Nam? That's just a Vietnamese restaurant

they go on dates to. I don't know.

What do they call it? It's just pho, okay?

"Back in 'Nam,

"a date offered to pay,

"and then he Venmo requested me on the way home."

It's my fault.

Yeah. So, hey, to all my single folks out there,

thank you for your service. Really. Yeah. -

Because of you, we are free, right?

No.

But the last time I dated, I was in college, you know?

So that mindset is still tied to that time.

So, if anyone hits on me now,

I'm like, "God, pedophile."

"I'm 16."

Which then I realized, "Fuck, I'm a grown woman.

"Actually, you have great taste and you're not a pedophile.

"But ta-ta, I am betrothed to another," you know?

I haven't been single in a while. I don't know how to talk.

Speaking of getting hit on, though, I was recently

hit on by a teen.

Still got it. Okay.

All right. Who's the pedophile now?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, I said "no," of course.

And look, I knew he was a teen

because he had the acne for the job.

He was wearing a sweatshirt that said "Class of 2088"

or whatever godforsaken year

they're graduating in.

And he thought I was a fellow teen

because, you know, I can look a little younger than I am.

Especially if I'm not wearing makeup.

And if I'm wearing a backpack...

...with school supplies in it.

A little protractor sticking out,

you know, it tends to age me down.

I'm also a longtime subscriber to "Asian don't raisin."

You guys... Yeah.

I didn't make that up.

Okay, right. Asian don't raisin. That's sort of a...

It's a rhyme. It just means Asians age well.

It's similar to "Black don't crack"

or "Brown don't frown."

Yeah, you know, I don't know why we keep

all these weirdly racist rhymes around.

It's just, you know, it's a lot. It's a lot of words.

Just... Kind of just say,

"White people don't age so well." You know?

I don't know why we're tiptoeing around that one, right?

Woo. You know?

And hey, look, it's beautiful to age.

It's not... It's totally fine to age, I think.

It means you lived your life. You know, nothing wrong with that.

But I'm just saying for, like, efficiency sake,

you know, if we could just do one rhyme, cut to the chase.

We're not getting any younger. Especially not white people, so...

I said it again.

But what about "Caucasians do raisin." That's...

That's right there. Ready to go.

"White guys better moisturize." That one...

Right. It's gendered, but it has instructions baked in, so...

I'd love to lotion, throw in some sunscreen.

Get a little crazy.

And it's not all it's cracked up to be to look young

or, you know... I think sometimes

I feel young and unaccomplished for my age.

Yeah.

Like, I did this recently. Don't do this.

I compared where I'm at in my life

to my parents at my age.

Yeah.

Get this, by my age, 28,

my dad already had a full-grown mustache.

Just a full mouth bush.

I'm still over here penciling my eyebrows.

Like a fucking dunce.

Probably the most mature thing that I've done

so far,

is buy a duvet cover. That's...

Yeah. Hey. You know, yeah.

I made a little money last year.

Decided to splurge, and...

You know, what they don't say is basically,

a duvet cover, fancy name,

but it's basically just a condom for your comforter,

are you kidding me?

Right? Practice safe sleep, kids. It's very simple.

But what they don't tell you about the duvet cover tax bracket,

is I woke up after just one sleep

and all the meat of the duvet

was just pushed to the back corner... -

...of the cover. Are you kidding me?

Right? Just all of it to the back.

And I had to spend my precious unemployed hours

just fucking kneading that thing back to factory.

Just smoothing that out with a rolling pin.

Holding the corners like a shivering Chihuahua.

Degrading.

You know? Biggie was right.

"More money, more problems."

Yeah.

So...

You bet the next day I went back to raw-dogging it.

You know, I just...

I remember where I came from. And...

I also bought myself a couch.

Yeah.

Off of Craigslist, because I like a little danger.

And...

Yeah, I was proud of this sale, you know,

because, look, I negotiated to get the seller

to come deliver the couch for me for free.

So not only did I get a pretty decent couch

for a good price,

I also got a stranger to know where I live...

...and know I'm too weak to carry a couch,

let alone defend myself. So...

So I hope he helps me open my pepper spray

so I can...

Comparison is tough, okay?

I had a tough time with it recently

because, as a comedian, sometimes you get hired

to perform for universities, for the students,

and I recently went to the UCLA Medical School

and performed for the students there.

Yeah.

It was for the Asian American Student Association there.

So, you know, most of the medical school, right?

We're doing okay. We're doing all right.

Don't worry about us.

And when I got there, you know, a lot of the students were younger than me,

and they were about to graduate, become doctors.

And I told them, I was like, "You guys should be so proud. You've made it."

Right, and they kind of turned it on me.

They were like, "Well, Sierra as a comedian, when will you know

"you've made it?"

So, yeah, I was like, "Okay,

"well, comedy, it's not as simple as medicine,

"okay?"

You're there, what, four years? They don't teach you that? Okay. Okay.

Waste of money.

I said, "Look, if I had to choose something

"as a comic, to know that I've made it,

"it would be when I marry a doctor."

So if all the single students could come to the front,

right, I think I have a lump in my breast.

I think...

Fondle my breast. Uh...

That's how you snag 'em. You know?

That's how I met my fiance. So...

I met him in a much more traditional way, drunk on a bus.

But he did give me a breast exam later,

so there's parallels.

Comparison was another reason

why I think I started to give up on stand-up

because, you know, it was very easy

for me to compare myself to other comedians

and be like, "That one's way more successful than me,

"funnier. How am I ever gonna catch up? What's the point?"

And it's super easy to do, because stand-up,

it's like a solo sport, you know, unlike basketball. So...

Right, and other comedians are competitive, too.

Like, I had this one comedian come up to me,

say this, white guy...

Well, I don't want to name names,

but his name was James. And...

And he said this to me, he was like,

"Sierra, there's a lot more Asian comedians now.

"So do you feel like maybe there's not enough room for you?"

Yeah, and that got me thinking, I was like, "Wow,

"you're a white guy named James in comedy."

There were literally three of you

hosting their own late night talk shows. Like... -

I think there's a little wiggle room for more Asians.

Get in there.

But that's what it feels like sometimes,

like we feel like we have to compete

and that there's not enough room, no matter who you are, right?

And that sucks because it's not true.

I feel like I need even more just general abundance mentality.

You know, it's hard, though. It's hard. -

It's hard.

But just take like my case, for example, okay?

The more Asian comedians, the better.

Because if Ali Wong or Ronny Chieng or Margaret Cho,

whoever, get their next sitcom, their next movie, right?

Who's gonna play the young concubine?

Or massive cousin, you know.

Heck, I'll even play the stereotypical IT guy,

because remember, computer science, I'll do that shit method.

And, yeah.

I do act, okay?

No, no.

Yeah.

I know.

One of the first scenes I ever did for TV

was an implied nudity scene.

You guys know what that is? Implied nudity,

it's when they film you from the neck up

and they imply whoo-hoo.

That you're nude.

You know, leave it up to the imagination. Mmm.

Kind of like leaving your clothes on. Whoa.

Kinky.

And they also asked me, if I was comfortable,

they could film my full rear.

You know, that means my cheeks, okay?

Little industry talk for you.

Don't spend it all in one place.

But yeah, you know, and I was a little hesitant.

It's a lot of exposure.

So, you know, they let me think about it.

I went home and thought about it,

and I got to thinking,

about the importance of representation.

And you know, normally when we're talking

representation in media,

we're talking racial representation,

queer representation.

But what about flat ass representation.

Where are those stories?

Where's that America?

Yeah?

And look, you know, I'm not body shaming myself.

I'm a petite person. I've got the butt to boot.

But you know, and there are plenty of skinny people on TV,

but I'm talking about an ass so flat...

That you know, sometimes if I go... I go to a restaurant,

I'm gonna go to a sit-down dinner,

sometimes I call the restaurant ahead.

I call them, I go, "Hey, What kind of chairs do you guys have?"

Do you have hardwood chairs?

Do you maybe have a pillow in the back

I can borrow to sit on?

'Cause I don't have a pillow in the back...

...to sit on.

That kind of ass, okay?

Is it the kind of ass where, one time,

I was at a party, I was bending over to grab my coat

to leave, you know?

And a guy tried to grab it.

Tried to grab my ass.

"Try" being the operative word here.

It's kind of... It's hard.

It's hard to grab my ass, okay? It's almost un-grabable

some would say.

It's kind of like trying to pick up the floor.

You're just like...

"What is going on?"

And, you know, maybe consent would help.

You know what I mean? Like, if he had asked me

and I was into it, then maybe, yeah, I could stand up

and kind of scooch to one side a little bit.

Give him a little something.

So, yeah.

It's a very consent-friendly ass.

That kind of ass, okay?

I went to work saying, "That kind of ass!"

I was ready. I was ready.

I was ready to act my little tush off.

I got there that day...

I got there, I was like, "Yeah." I showed 'em what I was working with.

Right. They took a look, they're like, "Yeah.

"Okay, we're just gonna stick to implied nudity."

"Let's leave that booty up to the imagination.

"It tends to be a little bigger in there, so..."

You know, it's okay, we'll get 'em next time.

We'll get 'em next time.

I'm doing my squats, right?

I might get an implant. Just one.

Just on the left cheek.

We went a little before and after on the same body.

That's where the discounts are at.

No, I joke about representation,

but it is really important, right?

Like, within the Asian American community,

there's still a lot of work that has to be done

to make sure more Asian stories are told.

Yeah.

You can cheer for that.

But I choose to look on the bright side, okay?

Because sure, Asian women,

we're still pretty underrepresented

when it comes to TV and movies and stuff,

but at least we are overrepresented where it counts.

Porn.

You know?

Hey, and say what you will about porn, okay,

but the diversity is... Yeah?

Way ahead of the curve, right?

And that meant a lot to me as a young girl, you know...

...browsing the old incognito window.

To see myself reflected in such classics...

...as, uh, Tiny Asian Woman Gets Dicked Down By Seven Dudes.

Beautiful. Oh.

I get emotional even thinking about it.

Um...

Yeah. So I thank those porn stars

who paved the way, right? Without them,

hey, this little girl would have never been proud

to bare her skinny ass on TV. So, yeah.

It's important.

Respect your elders.

And role models are important, to know what's possible.

But nobody talks about...

It's actually more important to have the opposite of role models.

Below models.

Yeah.

You know, people you can look at and be like, "Hmm."

"Thank God I'm not that bitch. Okay."

"Yikes."

Take Instagram, for example.

I'm always scrolling on that thing,

just seeing people accomplishing more than me that day, right?

Like, "Oh, that guy got a great car."

"She's got a good ass. Huh.

"That guy got out of bed."

That's why I only follow dogs.

Because they're cute, but most importantly,

they don't make you feel like shit.

Because they just got finished eating their own shit.

They don't know the difference.

Like, sure, I haven't accomplished much,

but at least I don't stick my nose

in someone's crotch the minute I meet them.

I wait a day like a gentleman.

You know, the problem, though, is that some of these dogs

are starting to have better lives than me. Okay?

Right? Like, I follow this one dog, a Shiba Inu, you know,

lives in Tokyo, Japan.

Likely story.

And...

Yeah, I mean, beautiful dog.

The body on this dog...

Probably had some work done. You know what I mean?

Double implant. Uh...

But on this dog's Instagram, all the comments

and captions are in Japanese,

so I don't really know what's going on,

but I'm just scrolling on this dog's profile at, like, 3:00 a.m.

Prime time to hate yourself.

You know, I was so moved.

I wrote, "This dog is career goals."

And I sent that.

Went to bed, woke up the next morning,

and the dog had responded.

He just wrote, "Thank you."

In perfect English, so...

So I guess this dog's also fucking bilingual, too.

Why the...

How else does he want me to feel like shit, you know?

Unfollow. That's...

Protect your energy.

But no, I caved. I looked back

on that dog's Instagram recently.

I saw the dog died.

Aw.

Aw, I know. They don't live that long.

Right? So...

I guess I won, in the end.

You know what I mean?

Feels good.

Hey, feels good to be alive.

But don't worry, I'm in therapy.

I said I'm in therapy.

Normally there's applause. Okay. Wow.

Oh, too late, okay?

Guess I'll talk about it in therapy.

No, I think the minute I learned

I was dunking on a dead dog,

I was like, "Okay, I should talk to somebody."

And...

Therapy, it's something I've been meaning to do for so long, you know?

I just was dragging my feet,

waiting for it to become trendy,

and then it did.

So I hopped on that bandwagon and it's great.

One of the things I'm working on in therapy

is that negative self-talk.

Do you guys get that?

Some sad nods. Yeah.

And it's tough.

Like, let me tell you, my negative voice in my head, phew,

she employs twang, right?

She's loud as fuck, watching tons of tutorials, that girl.

And she's catchy. Like, she'll pop in.

I'm just washing the dishes or something,

she'll pop in, she'll be like, "Hey, Sierra." I'm like, "Yeah, me? What?"

"Hey, why don't you stop being such a little cunt?" Like, Jesus.

The C word, you know? Sheesh.

I never use the C word, really.

It's just like... It's so harsh, right?

I never... Except in that joke that I tell all the time to everybody...

...but never... C word?

And so specific. Like,

"Stop being such a little cunt." Like...

I don't... I don't think I'm being much of a little cunt.

But I don't know, maybe that's what a little cunt would say. You know?

Ugh, so... See? Pretty catchy. And...

My therapist also says I'm depressed like everybody.

So...

Yeah. Which is kind of weird, right?

Coming from my therapist.

I don't pay her for that.

I pay her to maybe to try out some jokes, you know?

Get some laughs, bring 'em here.

But diagnoses, what?

There were signs. I should have known

maybe that I was depressed.

Like, before my therapist knew, before I knew,

my credit card company knew.

They sent me this helpful mailer.

It was like a subscription services type thing,

like which ones are being charged to your credit card.

Wi-Fi, Amazon, just to make sure

there were no free trials gone wild, right?

I looked at that list, I was like, "Wait a second,

"what's Mochinut doing there?"

Do you guys know what that is?

It's a brand of doughnut.

Okay? For those who don't know... buckle up.

Mochinut, okay?

She's not like your other doughnuts.

Right? She's made of rice dough, like mochi.

And then deep-fried like a doughnut.

Get you a pastry who can do both.

Right?

She's a donut in the streets, medication in the sheets.

Because I was eating these in bed to numb the pain.

And see, I ordered these doughnuts

at such a high frequency,

at such a regular cadence

that my credit card company

thought I was subscribed to doughnuts.

Another sign I was depressed

was that I exclusively started to wear soft shirts.

Because I would wake up in the morning

and feel like shit, I'd go to the closet,

be like, "Okay, you know, ugh, what shirt?

"Mm. That one's too hard. Ugh.

"That one's kind of crispy. Ugh, that's crunchy.

"That one has a zipper. Are you trying to fucking kill me? Jesus."

And then, ooh, I find a nice softy, slip into that bad boy.

And then go right back to bed.

You know, you can't do that in a denim jacket. You can't.

You've got to be ready in your soft, stretchy tee to go to bed

at any moment.

Don't even get me started on soft pants.

We'll be here all night, baby.

But my therapist also recommended

I should get on antidepressants.

Which, you know, I've heard great things about,

and I have tons of friends who are on them,

and they say they do wonders, so I'm trying to get on them.

It's just, you know, there's a few steps, right?

Like, I have to find a psychiatrist to prescribe

because my therapist can't.

I have to make sure my psychiatrist

has a network of my health insurance.

I've got to make an appointment, convince them that, yes, I do need this medication.

It's kind of a lot, all right?

I'm depressed, okay?

Like, I can't even zip up a hard shirt.

Do you think I can make small talk with the receptionist?

Like, "Oh, yeah, April 19th, maybe.

"It's been, you know, crazy weather."

But I feel like I need antidepressants

to get on antidepressants.

Is that crazy? I feel like I ordered a box cutter off of Amazon.

And I can't get the thing, to get the thing inside the thing

to get the thing open.

Right. That's a perfect metaphor that I came up with while depressed.

So if you didn't laugh, you're too happy with your life.

I luckily have a bit of a secret sauce when it comes to depression,

because on top of my depression,

I have the tiniest, healthiest touch

of narcissism.

Because, like a lot of people,

I suffer from suicidal thoughts, ideations,

but when I'm at my lowest point,

you know, and I'm thinking, "It would just be easier to end things,"

there's at least a small part of me that's like,

"Hmm,

"but that would just be a huge loss for everybody."

"Right? I'm just a delight."

And...

You know...

Hey, maybe that's what I just need more of in general,

not necessarily narcissism,

but just more confidence to, like, do this, to do comedy, right?

Because--

Because I started this for really childish reasons.

But I also gave up for childish reasons.

You know, because there's always going to be

mean comments or comparisons

to people who are better and funnier and hotter dogs, and...

But look, I just need to sack up

and stop being a little cunt.

Right? And get back in the game.

So I just want to leave you guys on one story

that I come back to every time I think about giving up on this,

and it's a great story.

It's actually the story of the first

and hopefully not last time

I was ever punched in the stomach.

And I was a kid.

I was playing this very fun childhood game with a friend.

It's a common game.

I'm sure you guys have played this one.

I'm not sure if I can remember the name, but I'll just describe it.

You guys will know.

So basically it's the game where she is the up-and-coming

rookie boxer Jim The Jab Johnson. Right?

She's got a lot of raw talent,

but not a lot of structure nor discipline,

and that's where I come in.

I'm Coach Jenkins. Yeah?

And look, I used to be not unlike this up-and-coming

rookie rock star boxer Jim the Jab.

But now I'm in my 60s,

cresting 70,

and I woke up one morning and realized,

"What's my legacy?"

I don't have kids. No grandkids.

Sure, I've got that championship belt

above the mantel that sometimes I spit-shine

when I get a little too sauced on whiskey, neat.

You know what I'm talking about.

But those are just metal, leather,

you know, maybe my legacy is coaching

this young whippersnapper over here.

Jim the Jab, right?

Even though he's got a bit of an attitude.

First of all, naming yourself after the most common boxing move, the jab,

come on. The nerve.

And, you know, let's be real,

he reminds me a little bit too much of myself.

Yeah, and that just shows me that even with my 70th birthday

on the horizon,

I'm still stuck in the toughest boxing match of all.

That with my own ego.

You know that game. What's it called?

We all play that one. What's it called?

Boxing friends, boxing buddies?

Well, we'll remember. It'll come to me in the shower.

Basically, and we were playing that game, okay?

We're boxing, okay?

And we were using a beanbag chair as a punching bag.

Beanbag chair, you know, it's sort of like

if you hold it up by the skin like that,

like all the, the meat goes to one side,

kind of like a duvet cover, um, right?

Or like my ass, right?

If you ask, if you ask.

You know, you hold that up,

and so all the meat's at the bottom.

The skin is just up here. So she punched through the skin,

right to my stomach.

Oh!

Yeah. That was some of the worst pain I ever felt in my life.

I couldn't see, I couldn't hear.

But through that pain,

through that nightmare,

I stayed in character.

Yeah. Yeah, I was Coach Jenkins through and through, so...

That's how I knew,

hey, computer science, basketball, massage parlor,

keep your millions.

I'm meant for the stage.

And I'm back doing comedy, baby! -

That's my time. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

You bet. You bet.

Thank you. Thank you.

* Turn it up Turn it up *

* Turn it up a little louder *

* Now get low Get low *

* Yeah, drop it to the floor *

* Turn it up Turn it up *

* Turn it up a little louder *

* Now get low Get low *

* Get low, get low *

* Yeah, drop it to the floor *

* Yeah, drop it to the floor *

* Turn it up Turn it up *

* Turn it up Turn it up *

* Turn it up a little louder *

* Up a little louder *

* Now get low Get low *

* Now get low Get low *

* Yeah, drop it to the floor *

* Yeah, drop it to the floor *