Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(DISHES CLINKING)

- I'm sorry. - No, Betty, this is yours.

What's going on here? Silly.

Pass the sugar, lover.

- Hand me the bread, Momma. - Yes, Poppa.

- There we are. - Thank you.

That's strawberry jam in there.

How about some celery? Would you like some celery?

Thank you.

(JAZZ PLAYING)

- Are you starting this all over again? - (LAUGHING)

BOTH: That's the best cup of tea you ever made.

- Shakespeare. - Longfellow.

- Needles. - Pins. (LAUGHS)

- Isn't that cute? - (CLOCK CHIMING)

Oh, Daphne, look at the time.

We must hurry, or we'll be late for our bridge party.

Oh, honey, you'll have to excuse us,

but Mrs Addlequist is calling for us any minute.

- Have a good time, Momma. - I will, Poppa.

See you before you go.

Oh, lover.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

That must be Mrs Addlequist, now.

Let her in, darling, and tell her we'll be right down.

Come on, Betty, come on.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- Come in, Mrs Adeltwist. - A special delivery for Mr Hardy.

- Oh. - Sign, please.

- (DOOR CLOSES) - Come in, Mrs Addlequist.

It wasn't Mrs Twiddlepast.

Not Twiddlepast, Adelquick, uh, Addlequist.

Never mind who it was, who was it?

- It was a letter for you. - Oh!

It's from my mother.

What's she say?

I'll find out as soon as I get my glasses.

(LOUD CRUNCHING)

"My dear son Ollie,

"I was cleaning up the attic and in going through a lot of rubbish,

"I came acr..."

(LOUD CRUNCHING)

Don't be rude.

HARDY: Now look what you've done.

Take some hot water and clean those off.

(CRACKING)

My eyes are getting worse every day. This letter is just a blur. Hurry up.

Thank you.

Now, that's better.

"My dear son Ollie,

"I was cleaning up the attic today and in going through a lot of rubbish

"I came across this picture of you and Stan

"and your twin brothers, Bert and Alf

"so I thought you would like to have it. Lovingly, Mother."

- Isn't that swell? - Can you imagine that?

Our very own twin brothers.

I wonder where they are.

Cha, cha, cha.

(LAUGHS) Seems like only yesterday.

LAUREL: Which is you? HARDY: Well, that's me right there.

- (SCOFFS) Look at me. - But that isn't you, that's Alf.

Let me have your glasses.

(NASALLY) You mean to tell me I don't know which is me?

That's me, right there.

How do you know that's you?

- Well, I'm the oldest, you can... - Sit down.

Well, there's some more writing. Give me my glasses.

(BLOWING)

No wonder I couldn't tell which was you!

Here, you read it.

"Dear Ollie, I forgot to tell you that after you and Stan left home

"your twin brothers Alf and Bert

"turned out to be bad lads and ran away to sea,

"and I did hear they joined a mutiny on board one night

"and they both got hanged."

"Oh, isn't that terrible?

"Let this be a lesson to you. Mother."

- Hmm. - Isn't that calamitous?

- What a disgrace to our parents. - (SIGHS)

If poor Father ever...

- Where are you going? - I'm going to show it to Bubbles.

- (CHOKES) Come here. - What?

- Are you crazy? - Uh-uh.

If our wives find out that we had a couple of low-down brothers

like that, they'd divorce us immediately.

We'd lose our prestige in town

and be ostracised by the rest of the community.

- Well, why would they... - Oh! (SHUSHES)

Why would they feel like that?

Everybody has a black sheep in their closet.

Nevertheless,

don't you tell a soul about this because if you do, we'll be sunk.

If it's that serious maybe we'd better burn the evidence.

BOTH: Then nobody will ever know.

- Shakespeare. - Long... Not now!

- Have you got a match? - Yes.

(SHUSHES)

We'll burn our past behind us.

- DAPHNE: Come on, Betty! - Oh! Here.

DAPHNE: We'll be right down, Mrs Addlequist!

(WHIMPERING)

- Oh! Hello, dear! - Where's Mrs Addlequist?

- (DOORBELL) - Why, I don't know sweetheart.

We have to go now.

- I'm sorry, dear. Goodbye. - (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Goodbye, lover.

DAPHNE: Come along, girls, we're going to be late!

- Goodbye! - (DOOR CLOSES)

(HORN BLOWING)

Stand by your line!

Hey, mate, get busy and unload the livestock.

- We sail in the morning with the tide. - Aye, sir!

- Did you get paid, Bert? - I sure did.

Well, as soon as we get through eating we'll go ashore and have a swell time.

- All right. - FINN: And come back broke as usual.

Oh, I don't know.

Aren't you going ashore, Finn?

Yes, just as soon as I get through reading the paper.

Any news?

Yes. I was reading about a fellow that started with nothing

and in two years he was worth a million dollars.

- A million dollars. - (SCOFFS)

- How did he do it? - Careful saving and wise investment.

Just what I've been preaching to you two for years!

If you'd let me save your money,

you'd both be worth a million dollars, like this fellow.

He's right, Bert. You know, when we first came on this ship 15 years ago,

if we'd had as much sense then as we have now,

we'd have let him save our money for us

and today we'd have been sitting on the fat of the land.

- Wouldn't we, Finn? - Right.

It's all right, but it's too late now.

My lad, it's never too late.

You were paid this morning and now is the time to start.

Why don't you let me hold it for you?

You make the money, I'll invest it for you

and you'll be millionaires before you can say "Jack Robinson".

What do you say?

That sounds swell to me. What about you, Alf?

It's okay with me, Bert. How about you, Finn?

- Why, it's a knockout! - I think it's good too.

Here's my money.

Say, have you seen my money? I put it in here just a minute ago.

Remember, when you were having your coffee there...

Isn't that swell? Now we're going to be millionaires.

Say, who's this fella Jack Robinson he's talking about?

- I don't know. - I never heard of him.

40... 50... 74 bucks.

Boys, I'm proud of you. That's what I call determination!

We're full of it.

Of course, you'll have to have a little pin money to spend on shore.

After all, it's all right to be careful

but we've got to have our little fling,

just to break the monotony. (LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

- There's a dollar between you. - A dollar?

We can't do much flinging on a dollar!

Well, the less you fling the sooner you'll be millionaires.

He's right, Bert.

- (INAUDIBLE) - Oh, yes...

What about a receipt for our money?

You're right, my lad. I'm glad to see you've got good business sense.

A receipt. (COUGHS)

"I owe you $74." Hmm.

Just to make this binding, you two boys sign there.

"Bertie Hardy."

"Alfie Laurel." Semi-comma.

Thanks.

Now everything is on the up and up.

- Isn't that swell? - Mmm.

There's one thing I want you to promise.

- What's that? - That you won't

come and ask any of it back.

You listen to this, when we make an agreement, it is an agreement.

Yeah, what we want you to do

is to promise us you won't give it to us back.

- I promise. - Get me a cup of coffee, Alf.

- All right. - Now we're gonna get somewhere!

I guess, I'll get ready to go ashore.

- Any orders, sir? - Uh? Yeah, yeah.

Send those two mugs Bert and Alf up here.

Aye, sir.

Hey, you swabs, the mate told me to tell you

the Captain wants to see you right away and make it snappy.

Okay, Big Bob, we'll be right up.

Come on, sailor.

- Goodbye, Finn. - Goodbye.

Oh, wait a minute! I've taken a room at Mrs MacGregor's on Tudor Avenue.

If you run short of money, drop in and spend the afternoon with me.

- Okay, thanks. Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Bye.

Barnum was right.

(LOUD SCREECHING NOISE)

(LOUD SCREECHING NOISE)

Now, listen, this is what I want to see you about.

I'm expecting a small package to be delivered to me here but I can't wait.

I've got to get over to the customs.

I want you two boys to stay here,

get this package and bring it to me at the Denker's Beer Garden.

- I'll meet you there about four bells. - Aye, sir.

You know where Denker's Beer Garden is?

Aye, sir. It's on Fifth and Eighth.

Yeah, catty corner between Sixth and Seventh on Ninth.

It's just across the way from...

- You know where it is. - Aye, sir.

I hope I can rely on you to do this thing for me.

Captain, you can trust us insipidly.

Well, I hope so because it's a very important package.

What's in the package, Cappy?

None of your business what's in it. Go on, get out of here.

And don't call me Cappy.

- Could you tell us where... - Shh!

Pardon us, officer, but could you tell us where Denker's Beer Garden is?

Sure, just around the corner there.

Thank you.

(GRUNTS)

- Pardon me, officer. - Me too.

That's all right.

(TILL BELL RINGS)

Lil, looks like the fleet's in.

I'm gonna have beer. What's yours?

Say, we've gotta take it easy, you know we've only got a dollar.

I know it. What are you gonna have?

Suppose we share the same beer? Then we won't spend so much money.

That's a good idea.

(KNOCKING ON TABLE)

- (SNAPPING FINGERS) - Garcon! Garcon!

What do you mean, "Garcon"? Grogan's the name. What'll you have?

Why, I'd like a nice,

large, cold,

flagon of beer.

What's yours?

Bring me two nice, clean straws that haven't been used.

I wonder what's in that package.

Didn't you hear what the Captain said? That's none of your business.

Always prying into other people's affairs!

(WHISTLES)

Isn't that a pip?

(WHISTLES) It certainly is.

You know, that must have cost more than $5.

What do you mean $5? Why, if it cost a penny it cost $50!

Huh.

That'll be a quarter.

A quarter! What for?

Ten cents for the beer and 15 cents for the straws.

15 cents for the straws?

Well, you don't think we're giving 'em away, do you?

Waiter, could you exchange this for a couple of spoons?

(SILVERWARE CLATTERS)

Give me those straws, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

(BLOWS)

Oh, I'm sorry. Just a little accident.

Oh, that's perfectly all right. Accidents will happen.

(GIGGLES)

If I've spoiled your drink, may I buy you another?

We don't mind if you do. Won't you join us?

Oh!

We don't mind if we do.

Thank you. Come, Alfie.

My name is Mr Hardy and this is my very good friend Mr Laurel.

I'm glad to know you. This is my very good friend Lily.

- How do you do, Lily? - How do you do?

And my name is Alice.

Alice.

My mother's name was Alice.

(INHALES)

(SIGHS)

Your mother's name wasn't Alice.

That was her second name on my father's side.

Hey, Joe, I want you to meet a couple of pals of ours,

Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy.

Well, I met 'em a little while ago. So what?

Two more beers for the ladies, right away.

I don't think we'll have any more beers.

Oh, you must have something, Alice.

Well, if you insist, I'll have an absinthe frappe.

I think I'll have the same.

You couldn't split one, could you?

What about something to eat?

What have you got ready?

Well, we got a quarter pound steak just coming off the fire.

- That's okay. - And you?

I'll have a Lobster Newburg, mock turtle soup,

a New York cut steak, well-done,

lyonnaise potatoes, broccoli with hollandaise sauce on the side,

a head of lettuce with Roquefort cheese dressing,

heavy on the Roquefort

coffee, uh, demitasse and I think that will be all.

Don't you want any dessert?

Oh, that's sweet of you. Crepe suzette.

LILY: Make that two.

(CRACK)

Excuse me just a moment.

(INAUDIBLE)

Uh, will you pardon us? My friend wishes to speak to me in private.

- Go right ahead. - We'll be right back.

Let's go in there, we can talk private, nobody will hear us.

(GRUNTS)

What do you want to tell me?

What about them ordering all that food?

You know, we've only got 75 cents.

Don't worry about that. I've got it all figured out.

We'll go over and see Finn and get our money back.

Well, we won't give us our money back. You know, we told him...

Oh, yes he will give it back. I know how to handle him.

And, besides, it's our money and we'll do what we like with it.

Well, I thought we were going to start saving and be millionaires.

We can start saving on the next trip.

Now, we've got a chance to have a swell time

so we might as well take advantage of it.

You know, we only live once.

I guess you're right. We can be millionaires any time.

Any old time. Now let's go back to the girls.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

- Hello? - Hello.

- Who is it? - It's me.

What do you want?

I don't want anything, what do you want?

- I don't want anything, you rang. - I didn't do anything of the kind.

- You certainly did... - I did...

Put that back on the hook and get out of here.

(RINGING)

(SLURRING) Hey! Would you chaps mind stepping out a minute?

That call is for me.

Hey! Stay where you are, I'll get it, it'll only take a second.

You know, I'm sorry to disturb you boys

but this call is from the wife.

You know, I have to tell her I'm bringing home the milk.

Would you rather we'd step out a minute?

No, stay where you are, I'll just be a second.

(RINGING)

Hello! (GRUNTS)

I lost it. Where is it? Where'd you...

Right here, sir.

- You won't talk long? - I won't.

Listen, I'm bringing home the... Wait a minute.

- Pardon me, will ya? - Yes, sir.

Just a minute! It's a little... I don't know, it's so crowded.

Here, could you...

It's just... Oh. Hello? Just a minute now. I'll get this.

Hello? I'm calling about...

I think somebody took the phone. Wait a minute.

Hello, Sarah. Yes. How much?

Just a minute. Hello!

Boys, just a minute. Listen.

Just... I'll pull the wire.

I'll... Oh, I lost it! Where's the thing?

Where you got that thing? Do you got it? Are you hurt?

I'll get it. Hello?

- (YELLS) - MAN: Boy, it's warm in here.

Just a minute, something's on my foot. Can you hold the wire?

Wait a minute, I can't find the...

Hello?

Hello? Can you...

(ALL YELLING)

- Hey, what's the big idea? - Sorry, sir, just a little accident.

Yeah, well, accident or no accident, you'll pay for this.

Just put it on the check, please.

- Don't worry, it'll be on there. - Come, Alf.

Hey, Joe, come here and give me a hand with this, will you please?

What happened? Did you get in a fight?

Oh, no, we were just having a little conference.

- Nothing serious, I hope? - Oh, no. Nothing serious.

We've just decided that if you girls don't mind,

we'll go to the ship and change our clothes

and take you out for a good time.

- That's okay with me. - Me too! But don't be gone too long.

- Oh, we won't. - Don't go away, will you?

'Cos we're coming back.

- You bet we won't. - Goodbye.

Goodbye, Alice. We'll be back in a jiffy.

Hey,

- where do you guys think you're going? - (SHUSHES)

We're going down to the ship to change our clothes and get some more money.

More money?

Yeah, you see we didn't have enough when we met the ladies.

HARDY: Yes, sir, and while we're gone,

see that the little ladies have everything their little hearts desire.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Now, don't go away, will you? We won't be long.

Come on, don't dilly-dally!

You're always fiddling around.

Just a minute, you think I'm such a sap

that I'd let you get away from here without paying that bill?

Now, you either give me that dough

or I'll beat you both up or I'll have you pinched.

Or maybe I'll beat you both up and have you pinched too!

Can't you make up your mind?

Look, my good man, don't you understand? It's simple.

We're going to the boat, get our money

- and come back and pay you. - See?

No, you're not. You ain't gonna leave here until you pay me that bill,

or leave me something for security.

Why don't you leave him the ring?

Then we get our money from Finn, come back to pick it up

and the Captain won't be any the wiser.

- Splendid. - We've just figured out a plan.

You'll like this.

How about that for security?

(WHISTLES)

(WHISTLES) Isn't that a daisy?

- It's all right with me. - Now remember.

When we come back and pay you we get that ring back, right?

- Right. - Right.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(CLEARS THROAT) Who is it?

- It's us. - Oh, hello, boys, come on in.

- Thank you. - How are you, Finn?

What's on your mind?

We hate to disturb you but we've come to ask a little favour.

Now, what do you want?

Well, we've just had the good fortune

to meet two very charming and refined young ladies.

Yeah, Alice and Lily.

So what?

Well, if you don't mind, we'd like to cancel

our little financial arrangement with you and get our money back.

Yeah. You see, we decided to put off being millionaires till the next trip.

If it's your money you want, I am not interested.

Well, does that mean, you won't give us our money back?

I will not.

But it belongs to us, besides, we gotta have some money,

we don't get pad till we get to Singapore.

Not one penny of it will you get.

I made a gentlemen's agreement with you to protect you from yourselves.

You wouldn't want me to go back on my word, would you?

Well, we wouldn't mind, this time, would we Bert?

- No, we won't hold that against you! - No, you can go ahead and do that.

Get out of here and don't bother me.

Well, if that's the way you feel about it

we'll be forced to assert our prerogative

and search this room.

Go ahead and search, what do I care?

You'll be sorry, putting us to all this trouble.

It's no use you looking around here,

you can search from now until doomsday and you'll never find it.

Does that mean that it isn't in this room?

I wouldn't say yes and I wouldn't say no.

- You know what we can do? - What?

- We can... - (SHUSHES)

(SIGHS)

We can steal his clothes and we'll pawn them

and we'll get enough money to pay the bill.

We're going to give you one more chance.

Do we get our money or not?

Absolutely not.

No! Oh! (GROANS)

(FINN GRUNTING)

Hey, come back! Hey, stop!

Come on, you know we've got to meet the wives.

You stay outside.

Asking the pawnbroker if he had any second hand ice-cream cones!

(PARPS)

(PARPS)

How much did you get?

Two dollars.

Well, that's not enough, can't pay the bill with that.

- The girls are still... - Don't worry about that.

I'll take charge of this little matter.

Come on.

Say, maybe we better talk to Finn from a distance.

You know, he was pretty mad when we left him.

That's a good idea.

(WHISTLES)

BOTH: Oh, Finn!

- Maybe he's asleep. - I'll wake him up.

(CLACK)

(WINDOW OPENS)

(YELLS IN PAIN)

- We're back! - Where's my clothes?

- We pawned them! - What?

And if you don't give us our money back, we won't give you the ticket!

Yeah, and the ship'll sail and you'll be left behind. See?

All right, you give me the ticket now and I'll give you your money back.

- You cross your heart? - You don't doubt me, do you?

BOTH: Yes!

Oh-ho!

We'll be right up!

Here's the ticket and there's the two dollars to get your suit back.

Now give us our money.

I'll give it to you, as soon as I can go and get it.

Where is it?

It's sewn up in the lining of my coat you just pawned.

Why didn't you tell us that before?

Having us run around you on a wild goose chase!

Give me the ticket, I'll go and get it myself!

Oh, no. You've double crossed me before. Once bitten, twice shy!

- Give us the ticket... - I've got it all figured out.

Now, take off your clothes.

- What for? - One suit I'll wear to get down there,

the other suit I'll pawn to pay the interest on this ticket

Oh, no you don't. Give me the ticket!

(GRUNTING)

Don't you come near me or I'll swallow this ticket

and you'll never get your money.

- Give me that! - (MUFFLED)

No, don't swallow it now, don't swallow it.

All right, take off your clothes and put them down there.

Put them down.

And no monkey tricks!

Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.

(WHIMPERING)

I wonder what those girls will think about us.

BERT: Hey, Finn!

Are you coming back?

I wouldn't say yes and I wouldn't say no.

Oh, and if I see Alice and Lily I'll give them your love.

Maybe I'll give them a kiss for you. (CHUCKLES)

I wonder how much longer they're gonna be.

I don't know.

BOTH: Are you sure this is the place, they told us to meet them?

- Shakespeare. - Longfellow.

- What goes up the chimney? - Smoke.

They make me sick...

- Oh, darling! - Oh, hello, sweetie!

- I'm sorry we were late. - Oh, we just got here.

What have you boys been doing with yourselves?

Ollie, tell 'em where we went this afternoon.

Stan took me to see a Punch and Judy show.

First one I've seen since I was a kid.

Hey, how about something to eat? I'm famished.

Oh, that's a good idea. Why not go in here and have a bite?

Oh, you don't wanna go in there,

we know a better place down the street.

What's wrong with this place? We'll go in here.

- Oh, but dear... - I said we'll go in here.

Come along, Betty.

Oh, this is a nice table. Sit here, Betty.

Let's go in the garden, it's cooler out there.

Ooh, all right, dear.

OLLIE: How's this table? DAPHNE: Oh, this is nice.

- Yes. - Better than being inside.

Well, of all the nerve!

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Well, you got here at last, huh?

What do you mean, got here at last?

We weren't coming in in the first place, were we?

I wasn't. What are you gonna have, Momma?

A ham sandwich, mustard on the side and a glass of beer.

- What would you like, Bubbles? - Now, don't rush me, lover.

I think I'll have a nice welsh rarebit.

- One welsh rarebit. - With cheese.

- With cheese. - What's yours?

Uh, I think I'll...

I know what you guys are gonna have.

He's an awfully fresh waiter.

Poppa, what did he mean, "You got here at last"?

I don't know, Momma.

BOTH: We never met him before in our lives.

- Shakespeare. - Longfellow.

- What goes up the chimney? - Santa Claus.

Silly.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

(CHUCKLES)

(CLATTERS)

The welsh rarebit'll be right up ma'am.

Isn't that the way with men?

Here we've known them all afternoon

and they pick up with a couple of perfect strangers!

Well, they're not gonna get away with it. Come on, Lily.

(SILVERWARE CLATTERS)

Say, listen big boy, I don't think much of your taste,

ditching us for a couple of old frumps like these.

I beg your pardon? Do you know who you're talking to?

Ah, sit down, old lady, before you fall apart.

- (GASPS) - Oh, now, listen cutie,

I don't think that was very nice of you

to walk out and leave us sitting here.

I beg your pardon, madam, but just what do you mean?

What are you looking so innocent about?

- I'm not so innocent. - You bet you're not!

And if you're as guilty as I think you are,

you oughta be ashamed of yourself!

No wonder you didn't want to come in here.

Thank goodness I found you out in time.

(YELPS)

Oh, but I tell you, that this is a frame-up!

- We've never met these women, have we? - Uh-uh.

Oh, you've never met us? Joe!

- Yeah? - Who are these men?

When they were here before they called themselves

Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy.

That's all I want to know. Pay the cheque and let's get out of here!

Yes, pay it, we've been waiting two hours,

for you to bail us out.

Bye-bye, babyface.

So you went to a Punch and Judy show, huh?

Here's your bill.

15 dollars and 60 cents for this?

No, 60 cents for this and $15 for what you had in there before.

- I should... - Oh, pay the cheque!

- But, my darling... - I said, pay the cheque!

- I'll pay the cheque. - You better pay the cheque.

Thanks. And here's the ring you left for security.

Oh, so you're buying rings now.

I suppose that's part of the frame-up too?

Betty, I've had enough!

And as for you, you can see my lawyer in the morning.

Oh, lover, I don't see how you could ever have done this to me.

I never was so humiliated in all my life.

- Glass of beer, please. - Okay.

(BETTY SOBBING)

(TILL BELL RINGS)

Well, well, well, fancy meeting you here.

Say, which is Alice and which is Lily?

"Alice and Lily"?

Why, are you sure you know these gentlemen?

Why, they're buddies of mine. Say, where did you get the swell clothes?

- "Clothes"? - Yes.

The last time I saw them they had no clothes on.

They had no clothes on! Who is this man?

I don't know, Momma. He's an absolute stranger to us, isn't he?

He certainly is. Who am I? Er, you.

A stranger, eh?

Oh, trying to make out they don't know me!

Well, you take a look at that.

DAPHNE: (GASPS) Oh!

BETTY: Oh! Oh!

BOTH: Oh!

That settles it. Betty, we'll keep this as evidence.

But, Momma, let me explain...

Don't ever speak to me again, you over-stuffed Casanova!

- Come on, Betty! - Goodbye, lover.

- Do you realise what you've done? - I don't care what I've done.

Serves you right for not introducing me.

Besides, they weren't so hot anyway.

Where did you pick them up? Did you win them on a punchboard?

- Do you know what I oughta do to you? - No. What?

I oughta bend every bone in your head.

- Is that so? - Yes.

Hmm.

Uh-oh.

Take a look through that.

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, I'll be seeing you.

Don't go. Sit down.

- (GULPS) - (BULB SHATTERS)

(WHEEZES AND COUGHS)

- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) - (GROANING)

(GASPS)

One welsh rarebit.

(SMASHING)

(GASPS)

- Who done this? - BOTH: He did!

- Oh! - Hey!

(GRUNTS) What?

I'll get you for this. I'll get you for this. I'll get you for this!

(SMASHING AND BANGING)

- Who was that fella? - How should I know?

When did you meet the two girls?

What do you mean, when did I meet the two girls?

Well you must know something about them,

they knew us when we came in here.

What are you talking about?

You can confide in me, I can keep a secret.

- I wouldn't tell... - Will you get this

through that thick skull of yours,

that I don't know those girls and they don't know me!

- Is that the truth? - Why, certainly it's the truth.

Well, we should go back and tell Momma and Bubbles

that we don't know anything about it, and they've done us a terrible wrong.

We'll do nothing of the kind.

- I'm going to teach them a lesson. - How do you mean?

We're going to stay out all night

and we're not going home until they come to us and apologise.

That's a good idea. We'll give 'em enough rope so we can hang ourselves.

Hello buddies, what's the trouble now?

Oh, we just had a little argument with the wives.

Yes, you see, they don't understand us

so we're going to teach them a lesson, aren't we, Ollie?

Yes, and we're going to stay out all night.

Yeah, till nine o'clock.

You know, that's funny, I'm in the doghouse too.

Well, we're all in the same boat.

Say, let's all make a night of it.

That's a very potent suggestion.

- BOTH: All for one and one for all. - All...

- Shakespeare. - Longfellow.

- George Washington. - What goes down the flue?

- A good slug of liquor. - Right!

Bartender!

No more drinks.

You've had too much and you two guys haven't had enough.

What do you mean we haven't had enough?

Now don't give me any of your lip or I'll throw you all out.

Look through there.

Oh-oh!

(BELL TOLLING)

(SNORING)

What time is it?

Four bells, and all is still wet.

Looks like Finn isn't coming back.

I told you that an hour ago,

but you had to give me the argument about

"Everything comes to him who waits".

- What do you think we better do? - That's entirely up to you.

You thought of a way to get us into this mess,

now think of a way to get us out of it.

Well, the only way I can see is to go back and get the waiter,

take him over to the ship,

have the Captain pay for the bill, so he can get his ring back,

then we'll pay the Captain on the next trip.

He might be a little bit mad about it...

That's a very, very, very good idea.

But how are we going to get to the waiter?

We can't go in the street dressed like this,

why, we wouldn't get to first base.

- Never thought of that. - Hmm.

Well...

- Say, you know what? - What?

Why don't we dress up like those guys in Singapore?

What guys in Singapore?

The fellas that look like Eskimos.

You know, the guys that walk around with rugs.

- Eskimos. - Yeah, we could borrow these quilts,

we could put some towels round our heads

and nobody'd be any the wiser.

We could go down and get the waiter...

Mmm-mmm. That sounds screwy to me.

But any old port in a storm.

It might be a good idea.

You've gotta be right once in your life.

I'm looking for a couple of sailors from the Periwinkle,

a little fellow and a big fat one. Have they been in here?

You mean, the two guys with the pearl ring?

How did you know they had a pearl ring?

I saw it.

They gave it to me as security

and I gave it back to them when they paid their bill.

- Where are they now? - Oh, I don't know.

They got mixed up in here with a drunk and I threw 'em all out.

You'll probably find them in some other joint, er, beer parlour.

Thanks very much!

Now, let me do the talking.

- Good evening, Mr Grogan. - Good evening.

(CHUCKLES) It's possible you don't recognise us

- but we're the same two fellas... - Oh, yes I do.

What was the last thing I said to you two guys?

Didn't I tell you to get out and stay out?

No, the last thing you said was, "Right!" Didn't he?

Quit clowning now. What is it you want?

Well, we've figured out a plan so we can get our ring back.

Yeah, you see, the fellow...

Oh, what are you two talking about?

The ring, the ring we left with you as security.

Yes, and I gave you it back when you paid your bill.

- You didn't give anything back to us! - We never paid any bill.

What are you trying to do?

Make me out a thief and say I stole that ring?

That's the way it appears to us.

- You'd better give that... - Shh.

Look through that.

Just a moment.

(YELLING)

Oh-oh!

What?

(SIGHS)

(MOUTHS)

- (THUDDING) - (GROGAN GROANS)

(INAUDIBLE)

(GRUNTS)

What are you trying to do?

(GRUNTS)

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(EXCITED CHATTER)

Mr Laurel!

Mr Hardy!

Hey, I'm not going in this thing!

POLICEMAN: Get up! Get in!

(DOGS BARKING)

(SIREN WAILING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

If that's them, tell 'em we're not home.

Hello?

(SQUEAKING)

What?

My goodness, don't tell me!

(SQUEAKING)

Oh, thank you very much!

- What's the matter? What's the matter? - That was Mrs Addlequist.

Stan and Oliver have been arrested and they haven't any clothes on

and they're taking them to the police station! Oh!

Oh, this is a fine state of affairs!

Oh!

Come on, sit down there.

(SPEAKING ARABIC)

- What did he say? - I don't know.

- Do you speak Arabic? - Oh, no, sir.

We're a couple of Singapore Eskimos.

Oh.

- Oh, I'm awfully sorry. - What's the idea?

Sorry. Hey, Mr Clerk, we'd like to see Judge Polk.

- It's very important. - Would you please give him this card.

- I'll find out if he'll see you. - Thank you.

(GASPS) Oh, lover!

- Oh... - Betty! Betty!

BETTY: Oh...

- Come this way. - Thank you. Come on, Betty.

Did you see that?

- I wonder who they are. - I don't know.

They're just a couple of vacation killers.

- Vacation killers? - Yeah.

A guy goes to jail for a swell vacation.

These welfare workers post things and get him out.

They make me sick.

(SCOFFS) First time I ever saw a welfare worker.

- Me too. - Funny-looking dames, aren't they?

I don't know, I kinda liked that big fat blonde. (CHUCKLES)

- The little one wasn't so bad. - Ah, cute.

And you see, Judge, it really is our fault,

after all they're members of your lodge

and if you're not too harsh on them I think they'll behave in the future.

- I know my lover will. - What do you mean?

He's just as much to blame as Poppa was! Believe me...

- He's not! - I think he started it!

Now, now, now, don't worry, everything's going to be all right.

Now, if you ladies will step into that room for a little while,

I'll have a heart-to-heart talk with them.

Oh, Judge, you're so sweet.

(BUZZER RINGING)

Laurel and Hardy! Step this way.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHING)

Where on earth have you fellows been?

And how in the world did you get in those outfits?

Well, you see Judge, it was like this, we...

You'll have to tell me later, I haven't time now,

I've got to open court.

I don't know what you boys have done

but whatever it is, I'm going to overlook it this time.

But you've got to behave yourself and stop this gallivanting around.

There's a time and place for everything.

Yes, sir.

You've got two lovely girls, who've done a lot for you.

Why don't you appreciate them? Will you do that?

Well, whatever you say goes, Judge. We're entirely in your hands.

That's fine.

Girls...

I've just had a talk with the boys

and I suggest that you all get together.

Come on, boys, give them a great big kiss, and let bygones be bygones.

Get off of him! You stay away.

That's splendid. Well, see you later.

Does that mean, we have to come back here?

Not if you behave yourselves.

But my advice is to you is stay out of beer gardens.

If you want to have a good time go to a high-class place

where you'll be less liable to get into trouble.

Now, don't forget.

Have you seen this one?

Not now, some other time.

(COUGHS)

Here, we brought you some clothes.

And, as soon as you're dressed, we'll take the Judge's advice,

we'll go to a nice high-class place and have a good time.

And if you promise never to get into any more trouble,

we'll forget all this happened.

- Well, it's all right with me. - Well, how about you?

I'll do anything to get out of this place.

Lover...

Oh, come on, we'll meet you outside.

Hey, listen sailor, lay off of the blonde.

I saw her first.

(BAND PLAYING)

I wonder what our wives are doing.

They're probably at home crying their eyes out.

It serves them right.

- A table for four. - Yes, madam. Come this way, please.

(MOUTHING)

I'm sorry, madam, there are no ringside tables.

I'll have to give you a table on the balcony.

That's all right.

(YELLS)

What's the matter with him?

I guess he's trying to get away without paying the bill.

- He can't do that! - No, sir!

Where's my hat?

- Is this it? - Yeah, thank you.

Quick!

Whiskey and soda.

Ooh!

What's the matter?

Say, you four guys stay away from me.

We're not four guys, there's only two of us!

LILY: Well, look who's here.

Well, Alice! What's the matter? We can explain everything.

You can't explain those two old cronies.

They're not old cronies, they're a couple of old welfare workers.

- Aren't they, Bert? - Well, certainly.

- You see, we picked... - I'll tell them.

- Oh, don't give me that. - But honey, we can prove it!

Well, sit down and have a drink.

We will, as soon as we get rid of these two old battle axes.

- Yeah, we'll soon get rid of them. - Is that so?

We want you to meet the two girls we met, this afternoon.

- Yeah, Lily and Alice... - I know all about them!

You ungrateful hound. I'll fix you!

You keep out of this, you startled ant.

(LAUGHS)

(EXCLAIMING)

Don't! (GROANS)

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY PLAYING)

Pardon me. Hey, you, give me your hand.

One, two, three!

Happy birthday to you.

- This isn't his birthday. - Nevertheless, many happy returns.

Come on, Betty, this is final.

(KICKS)

What did you wanna go help her for?

Well, I didn't know what she was going to do.

That's right, you wouldn't. Get this off.

That's what you get, picking up with strange women.

Well, we got rid of 'em, didn't we?

You girls pardon me while I go downstairs and clean myself up.

Alf, you entertain the ladies while I'm gone.

We'll be right back, Alice.

Say, after this we'd better go home and see if our wives are sorry...

- Maybe, both... - Don't worry about them,

let them worry about us.

We're gonna have the best time tonight we have ever had.

- Three cigars, please. - Yes, sir.

Thank you.

- You'll have one? - Thank you.

- Good evening. - Where's that package?

- What package? - That package

containing the pearl ring.

You've got that pearl ring, haven't you?

I have, and what business is it of yours?

- I'll soon show you... - Now, just a minute.

You'll have to lower your voices or you'll be put out.

Remember, we cater to ladies and gentlemen here.

All right, I understand.

You double-crossing swab, give me that ring.

Are you trying to frighten me?

Go ahead, little boy, and peddle your fish.

Oh!

Want any more, huh?

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute...

You take your hands off me. Take your hands off me!

(SHIRT RIPPING)

Put me out! (YELLS)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

CAPTAIN: Oh! Oh!

That guy must be crazy. Stanley, go and get the manager.

And take that hat off! Go on.

It must be Bert, I'll go and see.

- What's happened? - You know what happened.

- Where's the manager? - What manager?

Beat it, beat it!

Did you get that? He slipped the ring in his pal's pocket.

Here's the manager.

So, you're trying to get away from me, eh?

- (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) - I'll get you!

This man's a lunatic! He's trying to rob us!

- Rob you? Why, you dirty crook! - You'll have to settle this outside!

No, this thing is gonna be settled right here and now!

You can't do that. Go on, get out of my way!

- Give me my ring! - Take him out!

- I'll get you! - Take him! Get him out of here!

Look, come on and stand up!

Will you get... Just...

What?

- The trouble with him is he's drunk. - That's just about the strength of it!

- Take him. Get him. - CAPTAIN: I'll get you!

It's a good thing we sent for the manager.

It certainly was.

Say, you better give me the ring back, it'll be safer with me.

What do you mean? You didn't give me the ring.

Yes, I did, I slipped it in your pocket when I told you to beat it.

I haven't got the ring. You didn't give anything.

OLLIE: What are you trying to do, hold it back from me?

Can you imagine that? My pal, my bosom companion,

trying to double-cross me!

Excuse me, gentlemen,

it's none of my business, but I saw him put the ring in your pocket.

- Why don't you give it up? - What do you mean,

you saw him put it in there? I haven't got it!

Pardon me for butting in but may I speak to you alone?

Why, sure. Pardon me.

Would you like to have us scare it out of him?

How?

We can make out we're a couple of tough guys

and pretend to take him for a ride.

- (CHUCKLES) - What did he say?

These gentlemen have been kind enough to invite us for a nice ride.

- Would you like to go along? - I'd love to, but what about the ring?

Oh, just forget that. I was only kidding! I've got it right there.

Well, why didn't you say so? You had me worried.

As long as you guys are going for a ride

would you drop me off at home?

- Sure, we'll be glad to drop you off. - Thanks, pal.

- Come on, boys, let's go. - STAN: Gotcha.

- Call a cab. - Taxi!

I hope it doesn't rain.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Oh! There they go.

(SIREN WAILING)

Hmm.

- Did you get rid of him? - Who?

- The Captain. - The Captain?

I haven't seen him. Have you?

What do you mean, you haven't seen him?

You told me to beat it and he's been chasing me ever since.

Do you mean to tell me that the Captain is in here?

What's the matter with you? You saw the Captain,

- he's as mad as a firefly. - Holy mackerel.

We've got to get out of here!

Oh, there you are! I've been looking all over town for you.

- What happened to your face? - You know well enough what happened!

If you think you can put mustard on my head and burn my nose

and get away with it, you're crazy.

- What's he talking about? - Before it was two to one.

Now it's three to two, that makes it even.

You must be barmy. We haven't seen you since...

- Barmy, am I? At 'em, boys! - Whoa!

Listen to me, you go that way and cut off their retreat.

- Okay. - Come on, Snuffy!

Fooled you, didn't I?

Up aloft after them, Snuffy! Come on!

(CROWD CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

(STAN WHIMPERS)

(CREAKING)

(SCREAMING)

(CRASHING)

(WHIMPERING)

There they go!

Come on, now!

(HORN HONKING)

That's the boss.

You did a very good job getting rid of the cops. Stand by.

This way, gentlemen.

Say, what about our friend? you forgot to drop him off.

Oh, he's asleep. We'll do that later.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

- Hello, boss. - Hello, Tiny.

Hello, boss.

Boys, I want you to meet a couple of friends of mine.

- How do you do? - How are you?

This lug's got a very valuable ring and he refuses to give it up.

No, you're mistaken, he's got the ring...

One of you guys knows where it is and you'd better cough it up.

BOTH: I haven't got the ring!

- Shakespeare. - Not now!

All right, you crooks,

if you won't tell us where it is, we'll have to give you the works.

Go to it, Tiny. When you get the dope, you know where to find us.

- All right, boss. - I though we were going for a ride.

- Just a minute... - Sit down.

But I wanna talk to these men, here.

Sit down!

All right, boys, mix up the cement.

- Sure, Tiny. - Okey-dokey, Tiny.

What are you gonna do?

We're gonna put your feet in cement.

And if you don't talk by the time it hardens,

we're gonna throw you off the dock!

Why don't you give 'em the ring?

(WHIMPERING) I haven't got the ring!

You told me you had it when were in the bar!

I can't remember you giving it to me in there and... Oh!

- (WHIMPERING) - Hey, hey!

Listen, you go that way.

Where in tarnation did they go?

I don't know, they gave us the slip on the last turn.

- We'd better get back to the ship. - That's them there!

(BOTH YELLING)

(SIREN WAILING)

Good and hard now, Tiny.

- TINY: All right, take 'em out. - Okay.

- (STAN WHIMPERING HYSTERICALLY) - Oh! Be careful!

Oh! Oh!

Oh...

- No! - You can't do this to us!

- (SHRIEKING) - Oh-ho.

Stop that crying! Now this is your last chance.

If you don't tell us where that ring is, over you go.

(WHIMPERING) We don't know, do we Ollie?

How can we tell you if we don't remember?

- Maybe this'll help you remember! - BOTH: Oh!

(LAUGHING)

(YELLING)

(STAN WHIMPERING HYSTERICALLY)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(YELLING)

HARDY: Take this thing off of my head!

(STAN WAILING)

(YELLING)

(WHIMPERING HYSTERICALLY)

(BOTH YELLING)

OLLIE: Oh!

(BOTH YELLING)

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(SIREN SLOWS AND STOPS)

- Help! - Help!

- There they are! - Help!

- Come on. - Help!

Now you swabs, give me that pearl ring or I'll drown you like rats!

BOTH: We don't know where it is!

- Shakespeare. - No, not now!

Let 'em go.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Pull 'em up again.

Better give me another, this is my last one I got.

Oh, wait it was here. Here's a boxful.

(WINCES)

- ALF: Where did that come from? - Never mind where it came from.

We'll go find the Captain and give it back to him. Come on.

Oh, Captain, there's your ring.

Oh, thanks very much.

(HOWLS)

(BOTH YELLING)

- What's that? - Maybe somebody's fallen overboard!

Come on, help me pull them up!

(YELLING)

- Did you see what I saw? - Certainly, you know who they are?

They're our twin brothers, Stan and Ollie!

- What are they doing? - I don't know!

Come on, let's get 'em up! Get ahold.

- (PULLEY CRANKING) - (CHAIN RATTLING)

Well, well, well, hello, Ollie!

Hello, Bert. Gee, it's great to see you.

- Hello, Stan. - Hello, Alf.

What are you doing here?

Mother wrote us and told us that you two were dead.

Well, we just arrived this morning on the Periwinkle.

That explains everything,

they've been mistaken for us and we've been mistaken for them.

Why, certainly! (LAUGHS)

Let's go home and explain it to the wives.

You're sure looking good, Stanley, but how you have altered.

You've altered too but you haven't changed a bit, has he, Ollie?

Come on, Bert.

That Laurel is the dumbest thing I ever saw.

- The other one is too. - You're absolutely right, Bert.

Neither one of them can see any further than the end of their nose.

Subtitles (English SDH): Deluxe

English - SDH