Original subtitles

♪♪♪ (theme)

Give me the medicine bomb here.

HAWKEYE: Gonna...

Forget the suction. Get me some, uh...

‐50‐30? ‐Yeah.

(chatter)

Anybody know what day this is?

Thursday.

We've been here since Tuesday.

Three hours' sleep in three days.

What's the difference? It keeps us off the street.

Gimme a clamp. Come on.

Quit beefing, will you?

We've still got a line of casualties

stretching around the block. Give me a sponge.

Maybe we should get an unlisted number, huh?

HENRY: Clamp. Get a clamp.

All right, okay. Unhook him and get him outta here.

Yes, Doctor.

One more survivor, unless they get him next time.

What are these forms for?

These are forms to get the forms

that enable us to order more forms, sir.

Right.

(coughing)

Here you go, Henry.

Wait a minute, Henry. You don't have to sign that.

That's the phone number

of the Dai‐Ichi Hotel in Tokyo.

Which is where we're off to.

Till you need us.

Room 309.

‐Real beds. ‐Room service!

‐Hot and cold running maids. ‐Hey‐hey!

Who said you could go?

Henry, the war's been sending us casualties

on a conveyor belt.

Listen, Henry, if we don't get some rest,

we're gonna start screwing up surgically.

Well, have a good time.

Call us if you need us.

Yeah, but don't need us.

Radar, two of your best passes.

4077th MASH, Colonel Blake's office.

Did you hear a bell?

His head's in another time zone.

Just be sure that your post‐op patients

are all okay before you take off.

‐Oh, yes. ‐Henry, everything is okay.

Yes, sir. Just a minute. Sir?

Radar, I don't wanna talk to anybody.

Just tell 'em I'm beat right down to my socks.

Uh, General Clayton, Colonel Blake says

he's really beat right down to his socks.

Morning, General.

Henry Blake here.

Henry, are you sitting down?

No, sir.

Maybe you'd better.

Yes, sir.

He's giving you callisthenics over the phone?

Oh, pipe down.

Henry, it won't be official

for a couple of hours yet,

but a ceasefire

has been arranged.

I say again:

a ceasefire.

A ceasefire?

‐What? ‐Ceasefire?

Does that mean we can go home?

A ceasefire‐‐ General, are you sure?

Well, I've just been on the phone with CENCOMPAC.

Is that good enough for ya?

He got it from CENCOMPAC.

‐CENCOM‐‐ ‐I don't care if he got it from nincompoop!

The shooting's over!

Ha‐ha!

General Clayton, this is Benjamin Franklin Pierce.

I realize you're a general and I'm just a captain,

but I wanna have your baby.

I mean it‐‐

I want your baby! I'll kiss all your stars!

Ha ha! Yay!

Sir‐‐

Listen, listen, I'll be up there tonight

for a final drink

with my favorite MASH outfit.

Oh, uh, that's terrific, General.

Just terrific. Yes, sir. What's that?

(whooping)

Yes, sir. I'll tell Major Houlihan

that you look forward to seeing her.

If she doesn't want you, there's always me!

No, just, uh‐‐ Not‐‐

Nothing, General, nothing.

Uh, okay, yes, sir. We'll see you tonight.

And, uh, sir, thanks for the great news.

Great news.

Well, how about that!

I don't know.

I'm gonna get drunk for a week,

sober up, get back in shape,

and get drunk for a month again.

Now, listen. Hold it, Pierce.

Now look, the general was just giving me advance notice.

I don't want this to get out until it's official.

Not one word to anybody.

‐Understood? ‐Understood.

We will keep it very quiet, Henry,

‐if that's what you want. ‐(cheering)

Hey, Colonel, did you hear?

There's a ceasefire!

Effective immediately!

We won't say a word, Henry.

You can depend on us.

(horn blowing)

WOMAN (on P. A.): (singing in Japanese)

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

‐(cheering) ‐(singing continues)

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, attention, all personnel.

Any rumors regarding a ceasefire are not official.

All personnel are ordered to continue regular assigned duties

until further notice.

Oh, honey, mine was the Scotch and water.

Ah, Corporal Klinger, ready for duty, I see.

What's goin' on? What's all the hoo‐ha?

Ceasefire, sweetheart. The war is over.

You're kidding!

Have I ever lied to you, Miss?

If it's true, You won't have to buck

for a psycho discharge anymore.

Terrific!

But I'm stuck with a dozen dresses.

Gentlemen, I give you peace.

Sweet, quiet, monotonous...

lovely, life‐restoring, harmonious, tranquil,

glad‐about‐it, mad‐about‐it peace.

I'll drink to it, but I don't believe it.

Come again?

It's the same story in every war.

The big guys, they yell ceasefire,

there's dancing in the streets,

then they pull the switch, and it starts all over again.

Trapper, it's over!

No more meatball surgery!

No more putting guys together again

so they can be killed at a more convenient time.

No more living in Shangri‐la, buttering our bread

every morning with DDT powder.

It's finished!

This whole damned cursed war is over!

I'll believe that when I'm back home

refusing my first house call.

You really don't believe it's real?

With all my cynical heart.

I bet you it is.

I'll bet you anything you want.

I'll bet ya 50 bucks they're not playing around.

You got a bet.

I hate to take your money.

I only hope you will.

Hey, they're passing out, uh, champagne.

I thought you guys might like some.

Nah, I'll stick with gin.

Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody.

Hey.

One more drink, and that's it.

After that, we operate

and sink your floating kidney.

You know, life won't be the same without you both

and the Swamp.

You'll miss this?

He's queer for garbage dumps.

I don't like to ask,

but, uh, if there's some little souvenir

‐I could have... ‐Take it all!

Help yourself.

Tell your family the whole camp is up for grabs.

Wait a minute. Steady, Hawk.

The U. S. Army always leaves stuff behind after war.

There's a tribe on Guadalcanal made a god

out of a '39 Chevy.

Frank, you're not to worry about me.

You go back to your practice and your work

and your house and your two cars and your country club

and your friends and your way of life and your...

wife.

I'm not going to make any trouble.

Oh, gosh, Margaret,

it's, uh, swell of you to be so brave.

Brave of you to be so swell.

I just want you to be happy.

(cheering)

I wish you could meet my wife.

You'd like her.

Don't press your luck, Frank.

‐(whistling, cheering) ‐(noisemakers)

Major Houlihan, it's me: Radar.

Uh, what do you want?

Uh, well, I'm asking everyone to write something

in my scrapbook.

Oh, I'm, uh, busy right now.

Well, I just thought that you and Major Burns‐‐

Major Burns is not here!

Well, then how can you be busy?

‐Get lost! ‐Yes, ma'am.

"Dear Radar, this is the best restaurant

"I ever ate in.

Good luck. Hawkeye."

That's what you want to say?

Right. Simple, but with feeling.

And loaded with emotion.

Hey, Trapper, sign my book?

I'll sign it when the real ceasefire comes.

Oh, how can you turn him down?

His liver's where his heart ought of be.

What's where his liver oughta be?

Onions.

"Compliments of a friend?"

Boy, you guys sure know how to reach somebody.

‐(air horn blowing) ‐(cheering)

Friends, friends...

civilians of all ranks.

This is the happiest‐‐

in fact, this is the only happy day of the war.

And it is fitting that we pause

to offer a prayer of thanksgiving

to the merciful God who has delivered us

from this terrible conflict.

Let us pray in silence

and remember those of our comrades who have fallen.

‐Amen. ‐ALL: Amen.

And now...

on with the secular festivities!

‐(cheering) ‐(party horns tooting)

Attention, all personnel.

A reminder that the ceasefire

is not officially in effect.

All materiel and equipment

remain the property of the United States Army.

Anyone found in possession of said property

will be prosecuted to the full extent of military law.

Hold it. Hold it, Hawkeye.

I'm trying.

Someone might walk in.

They're all doctors and nurses.

What could we possibly do that would surprise them?

I don't know.

Let's see what we can come up with.

I'm gonna need that ear after the war.

It's my duty to give you a thorough physical before you go.

Speaking of which‐‐

Hawkeye, it's very difficult to talk

with your teeth in my neck.

It's even harder for me.

Can you be serious for a minute?

30 seconds is my record.

What happens, now that the war is over?

Well, both sides will say they've won,

Detroit will go back to making cars again,

and I can treat kids for mumps instead of shrapnel.

What happens to us is what I had in mind.

‐Us? ‐Mm‐hm.

As in you and me.

Oh, that us. Right, right.

We've been very close.

Cast a single shadow, as it were.

You've never exactly promised marriage.

Bless your memory.

But you did use all the right words:

love... togetherness...

future.

Lieutenant, I have a confession to make.

You might've worn your ring.

And get thrown out of the Cad Society?

Kids, too?

‐Five. ‐Hmm.

It gets very cold up there in Vermont.

I'm sure gonna miss you when I get back.

Oh, well...

You don't have to wait till then.

Sir?

Howdy, Radar.

How's it going, old kid, old sock?

Happy, huh, sir?

Happy?

(chuckling) Oh, boy.

In a few days I'm gonna be back home

tripping over kids' rollerskates again,

cursing out the crab grass,

fuming about my income taxes,

and being impossible with my receptionist

and turning gray over my wife's checking account

and loving every minute of it.

‐Ow. (whistles) ‐Did you cut yourself, sir?

Yeah, no problem.

Good old civilian blood again.

Nice and red.

Cut myself last week and, uh...

it came out khaki.

(laughing)

That's a good one.

Thank you.

Uh, did you get a chance to sign it, sir?

Oh, Radar, whatever it is, you sign it.

I mean, the only business I want do with the army

is have them validate my parking ticket

so I can go home.

Uh, no, sir, I mean my scrapbook.

Did you get a chance to sign my scrapbook?

Oh, I'm‐I'm sorry, Radar.

Of course. It's right there.

Oh.

"For Radar O'Reilly, my comrade in arms,

"a swell egg who made Korea something special.

"Thanks for everything.

"Good luck. Affectionately,

"your friend, Henry Blake."

(nasal) Okay?

Oh, yes, sir.

Do you mean this?

Every word of it.

Sometimes it felt like you were my father.

You've sorta been like a son to me.

(laughing)

Maybe we should get together

when we get back to the States.

Hey, you‐‐ Now, that's a great idea.

Look, why don't you call me and we'll have lunch?

You live in Bloomington, Illinois,

‐and I live in Iowa. ‐That's true.

But, you know, it would only take a day or so

on the bus, and then‐‐

and then we could have a whole long lunch together.

Sure.

Yeah, just give me a buzz.

Oh, yes, sir.

Well, but I mean, um, not right away.

You see, I'm gonna ha‐‐

be busy, kinda settling in and all.

Oh. Oh, I understand that, sir.

Okay, you got it.

Well, then how about,

about two months from when we get home,

on a Saturday?

Yeah, um... I'll tell you what.

Let's, uh, just kinda leave it loose for now, huh?

But‐but we'll do it.

Okay, but, uh,

we'll, uh, leave it loose for now.

I'm not gonna make any trouble, Frank.

I know, darling.

No phone calls, no letters.

I won't even write you at your office.

Margaret, you're a real prince.

I mean, cess. Cessprince.

Princess.

Oh, Frank, you're such a ninny.

Oh, Margaret, please.

I'm supposed to keep my middle ear dry.

Oh, it's Private Gilbert.

You operated on him for shrapnel wounds.

What's wrong?

Well, he's awake, but restless.

There's no improvement.

Trying to louse up the ceasefire, Gilbert?

Uh, well to tell ya the truth, uh,

it would've been nice if they coulda stopped the fighting

before somebody aimed at me, sir.

Next time, hide behind a tree with an officer.

All right, I'm giving you a direct order.

You start getting better immediately,

or I'll operate again.

This time blindfolded and sober.

I‐I think I'm starting to feel better already, sir.

‐Keep trying. ‐Yes, sir.

Give him a unit of blood,

and threaten patient every two hours.

Captain, could I speak to you for a minute, please?

Certainly, Nurse Cutler.

That's just for the ceasefire.

I can hardly wait for the peace treaty.

Hawkeye, we have to make plans.

All right, how's this?

I'll get a bottle of wine,

and you get the keys to the laundry room.

We'll both get in the dryer and take a trip to the moon.

I'm talking about our going‐home plans.

Our?

Yours and mine.

As in you and me, as in us?

Never mind.

I mean, the way we've been‐‐

I certainly got the impression that we were go‐‐

Lieutenant, darling.

I have an affliction

that will make any long‐term relationship

between us impossible.

Hawkeye, what is it?

As we're both medical people,

I will speak professionally.

I'm suffering from terminal marriage.

(party horns tooting)

(no audible dialogue)

‐(chatter) ‐Easy. Take it easy.

That's stunning. Absolutely stunning.

All right, girls, you'll find what you want.

Everything half price.

‐Hey, wait a minute! ‐All sales final!

Klinger, wait a minute. What's going on here?

This is my ceasefire sale.

I don't need this stuff anymore.

I'll take this one.

Oh, yes. It's $5.00.

That was always my favorite.

‐I'll wear it out. ‐Oh, here.

These look great with that.

Uh...

No charge.

Thanks!

These low heels are killing me.

Klinger, you gonna buy all of this stuff back

when the ceasefire turns out to be a phony?

A phony?

Sure. That's the way it always happens.

Big boys change their mind,

and the shooting starts all over again.

You really believe that?

Believe it?

Ha. I bet 50 bucks on it.

Do you have this in a size 12?

It's for my mother!

I won't make any trouble, Frank.

I know, darling.

Not one bit.

You're a peach, Margaret.

Dead women can't make any trouble, right?

Right.

Dead who?

I'm just gonna stick my head in an oven...

and it'll be over in seconds.

And I won't mention your name in my note.

Margaret, what are you saying?

I can't live without you, Frank!

You're all I have!

I love your thin little lips

and the bristles where you shave your earlobes.

‐Margaret! ‐Take me home with you, Frank!

Margaret, my wife!

I'll learn to love her.

We'll get along, you'll see.

I'll be your nurse.

She's my nurse.

Then I'll be your patient.

I'll catch something terrible,

and you'll have to see me every day.

I'll pay, Frank. You can even bill me.

Darling, take me home with you.

I won't make any problems.

Is now a good time?

(cheering)

See you after supper?

Uh‐huh.

‐Same place? ‐Mm‐hmm.

I've never seen you quite like this before.

I just found out you're married.

You don't mind?

Just check your sleeping bag...

for a land mine, lover.

‐(clinking) ‐Happy ceasefire.

Uh, can we settle down, people?

Quiet!

Uh, General Clayton, fellow officers, nurses,

NCOs, and our guest wounded.

Welcome to the 4077th ceasefire party.

Uh, this being a very special occasion,

I'm not going to take up time by making a speech.

(cheering)

Instead, I'd, uh, like to introduce a fine surgeon,

a real cut‐up, Captain Hawkeye Pierce.

Now first of all,

in gratitude to the United Nations

for setting us all free,

I am hereby forgetting these poker IOUs

to the sum of some $1,500.

(cheers)

You realize I can make all that back

with just one rich kid with bad tonsils.

And, secondly,

I would like to present a pictorial tribute

to the man who brought us this great ceasefire news,

Brigadier General Crandall Clayton.

(cheering)

You've, uh, you've paid us

many kind and thoughtful visits, General,

and I've‐‐ I've always tried to mark

every memorable occasion with a photograph or two.

If you'd all turn around.

Uh, lights, please.

How many of us will forget this always stirring sight?

Or this one?

Of course, like every great warrior,

you had your warm and human side.

Uh, Pierce, I think that, uh...

But your warm side had an even warmer side.

Margaret!

Uh, he's just a friend of the family.

Uh, can we have the lights, please?

(cheering)

If there wasn't a ceasefire, Pierce.

Uh, why don't we have a song?

‐"The Star‐Spangled Banner." ‐How does it go?

Just play it, will you, Father?

♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And never brought to mind ♪

♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And days of auld lang syne ♪

Hold it, hold it.

May I have your attention, please?

I just received a communiqué from CENCOMPAC.

There is no ceasefire.

Well, we're back in business again.

Attention. Attention, all personnel!

All personnel report to surgery.

Incoming wounded. Incoming wounded!

All personnel report to surgery immediately!

Here you are, Scrooge.

Thanks. You should've listened to me, pal.

If the same thing happened all over again,

I'd still make the same bet.

On the level?

It was a glimpse of daylight

at the end of the damn tunnel.

You paid a pretty heavy price.

So I blew $1,500 bucks in IOUs.

Gave up three nurses for an imaginary wife and family.

Clayton's got my butt in his gun sight.

My hopefulness remains intact.

Good for you.

Would you mind turning the other way though?

I'd hate for you to see a grown man cry.

♪♪♪ (theme)