Original subtitles

(helicopters whirling) ♪♪♪ (theme)

♪♪♪

‐Clamp. ‐Clamp.

‐Suture. ‐Suture.

‐Scissors. ‐Scissors.

Can't you work any faster, Frank?

Haste makes waste.

Never at a loss for a cliché, are we?

Is everything all right here?

Yeah, it will be as soon as Frank stops

sewing his fingers together.

You missed a fragment!

Well, why didn't you give me suction so I could see it?

You didn't ask for any, doctor.

You're useless!

Help around here's impossible!

Why don't you find yourself another war, Frank?

‐Forceps. ‐Forceps.

There's your fragment!

I don't ever want her at my table again.

She's an incompetent bungler!

And you got that from an expert on the subject.

I can think of better ways to spend a morning.

Back home I could be giving

some nice blue‐haired lady a hysterectomy.

How about selling married couples his‐and‐her‐terectomies?

Oh, you're punchy.

The natural result of pulling bits of hardware

out of teenage bellies.

This place is driving me out of my already demented mind.

My head is getting wall‐to‐wall crazy.

Would you like a drink?

Is gas inflammable?

Hey! Ginger! Ginger!

Did you know Frank Bums was stolen by Gypsies as a little boy?

No.

Police found him, brought him back to his parents.

They refused delivery.

So then the police brought him back to the Gypsies,

but they didn't want him either.

So then the cops brought him to the woods

hoping the bears would raise him.

After one day with Frank, the bears attacked the Gypsies.

Thanks, Hawkeye.

It's about time for Frank to be taking

his post‐surgery nap now, isn't it?

(groaning)

Henry, that tooth's really bad.

Here, hold this back with your tongue.

Uh‐huh.

This is it! Colonel, this is it!

I know I've asked for a transfer before,

but this time I mean it! I want out!

Ow!

Uh, Frank, will you just calm down?

What‐What's happened to your hook‐‐ Uh, your hand?

McIntyre and Pierce, that's what happened.

And for the last time!

I don't care which MASH unit you send me to,

I want a transfer, and I want it now!

Look, I can't transfer you

with your arm looking like that.

There's nothing wrong with my arm!

And you're not gonna change my mind.

I've had those two up to here!

You better cut that thing off

before you hurt yourself.

You have no idea what it's been like

living with those two perverts!

Oh, they're not really so...

They're not?

I take my life in my hands every time I go to bed.

I woke up one morning and found they'd given me

"The Princess and the Pea" treatment!

"The Princess and the Pea"?

BURNS: They nailed five cots on top of each other.

I was sleeping 12 feet off the floor!

It's a good thing you don't walk in your sleep.

I don't think it's funny at all.

Uh... of course not.

Nor is it humorous to wake up with hamburger stuffed in your ears.

BLAKE: Hamburger stuffed in your ears?

BURNS: Do you know what it's like being awakened by a wet nose?

Frank, just leave my married life out of this.

Doctor, watch it before I swallow your watch.

Sorry, sir.

Look, Frank, you bring a lot of this on yourself.

Oh, really?

Well, I certainly didn't bring last night on myself.

BLAKE: Last night?

It's not too hot, is it?

We don't wanna wake him up.

Just right.

You sure this is gonna work?

As sure as Niagara Falls.

Oh...

This is terrible. I...

Oh! You guys!

Okay, Frank. You'll get your transfer.

Thank you.

You know‐‐ You know, Frank?

As‐as rough as it's been sometimes,

I think I'll miss you.

Well, it might not have come to this

if you'd had the backbone to maintain

some discipline around here.

Well, so much for missing you.

(coughing)

This can't be Death Valley Scotty, can it?

No, that's one of those guys that lets you

sit on his pony while he takes your picture.

If you're looking for the Gold Rush,

you take a left turn, and go down the road about 100 years.

Okay, okay, you guys.

What if I told you that there's real gold out there?

Come out of the sun, Radar.

Your brain is getting a tan.

I'm not kidding. I looked it up.

It just so happens Korea's the fifth largest

gold producer in the world.

And the first largest producer of Koreans.

Take a look at these.

I found 'em down by the creek.

McINTYRE: It's not real gold, Radar.

What you got there is pyrite.

And if you're smart, you'll see your dentist right away.

I'm telling you, that's gold.

Frank? Flowers?

I asked for light chocolates.

I'm allergic to flowers.

‐They're not for you. ‐Hot Lips?

I'm allergic to her, too.

What a relief it is to know that after tomorrow

I'll never have to listen to you two again.

Having your ears removed, Frank?

Colonel Blake has okayed my transfer.

You're serious, Frank. You're leaving.

Abso‐tively!

Gee, Frank, this place won't seem the same without you.

It'll be terrific!

Now, this has to be the farewell scene of all time.

‐Margaret? ‐Frank!

Oh, did you cut your head again?

Yes, I cut my head again.

For you.

Oh, how sweet!

Long‐stemmed... stems?

Well, they were chrysanthemums

before Pierce and McIntyre got at 'em!

Why would they destroy your flowers?

Well, why would they put cream cheese in my house slippers?

Do I know?

They're crazy!

It takes a certain kind of man

not to crack under combat.

And we all know what kind of a man that is, don't we?

I talked to the cook.

He's bringing some pork chops here tonight.

The kind you like...

with extra fat.

Margaret, I have something very painful to tell you.

You can't come to dinner tonight?

I've put in for a transfer.

‐A transfer? ‐But we can still make dinner.

‐It's not till tomorrow. ‐But, Frank, why?

Have I done something to displease you?

Oh, no, Margaret. No, no!

Is it something I haven't done?

Tell me and I'll do it.

Or if it's something I've done, I'll undo it.

Darling, it's nothing you've done, or did.

It's just that every man has a breaking point,

and Pierce and McIntyre have broken mine.

But last night you said you loved me.

Oh, I do, Margaret.

Frank, you're crushing my mums.

FRANK: I don't mean to hurt you.

It's the last thing in the world I'd want to do.

Margaret: And yet you're leaving me.

Oh, it's not forever, Margaret.

There'll be other wars.

I'll be devastated without you.

You know that.

I'll write you... everyday, faithfully.

You promise?

Frank: Just like I do my wife.

Margaret, we're both mature, grown‐up adults.

We...

Margaret, what're you doing?

Put that down! It's government property.

(crashing)

It's chilly out there. How 'bout a drink?

If you need a reason to drink, you shouldn't.

Double or a triple?

How about the first quintuple martini in medical history?

How about you, Frank? One for the road?

I make it a point never to drink with strangers,

and as of right now,

I don't know either one of you.

Oh, it's chilly in here, too.

Make Frank a Shirley Temple. And put it on my tab.

You're nothing but common drunks.

That is a rumor started by people I've fallen over.

Laugh now,

but when this war is over I'll go back

to my country club and my 30‐foot yacht,

and you two will be ship's doctors

on a garbage scow somewhere.

The typical love‐hate complex.

Freud said it best when he said,

"Never ask for light chocolates."

You're both a disgrace to the medical profession

let alone the United States Army!

He's beginning to soften.

Oh, I almost forgot.

It's time to listen to my favorite armed forces soap opera,

"Just Plain MacArthur."

Soap operas now?

You're deteriorating by the minute!

MARGARET: I'll be devastated without you, you know that.

FRANK: I'll write you... everyday, faithfully.

"I'll write everyday, faithfully."

Listen to that dribble, that manure.

You know, anyone who could listen to that...

MARGARET: Frank, you're crushing my mums.

That‐that's‐‐ that's...

That's right. Nurse Dribble and Dr. Manure.

You dirty rat, you!

‐James Cagney! ‐You! Pierce!

Frank, please, Frank! Hold it together, Frank.

You'll regret this as long as you live!

I regret it right now, Frank!

Believe me, I already regret it.

MARGARET (on P. A.): Maybe we could arrange

to get leaves at the same time.

FRANK: We could meet in Tokyo.

Oh, Margaret, there's so much to do,

and so little time.

To think that the army of all things

brought us together.

MARGARET: Some beautiful things can happen even in the army.

(cheering, applause)

(lisping) It's absolutely inexcusable!

You two guys should be sentenced to life

in front of a firing squad.

Really? We got over 50 orders

if we can turn it into an album.

Somethin' the matter with your mouth, Henry?

Yeah, there's somethin' the matter with my mouth.

I got a temporary filling in a tooth that's killing me!

Why don't we go to my dentist in Detroit?

Boy, you guys just don't get it, do you?

Look, the party is over!

Now, I'm holding you both directly responsible

for this unit losing a fair but competent general surgeon,

and now its head nurse!

Hot Lips is leaving?

She says she's been publicly humiliated.

Well, she has.

And to think of all the times I offered

to humiliate her privately!

Boy, you guys are impossible!

Well, fire us, Henry! Fire us!

Listen, big shot,

I'm gonna do more than that.

I'm gonna do more than that.

What am I doing? This is my office.

You guys, get out!

Hawkeye?

Hey, Hawk?

If I open my eyes and you're not a blonde pushover,

you're in trouble.

It's me, Radar. You gotta get up right away.

One more word and I'll nail your tongue to your nose!

Well, I'm sorry. It's the colonel's orders!

Trapper, too. You both have post‐op duty this morning.

‐Trapper? ‐What're you talking about?

We just came off post‐op duty!

Get your hands off of me. I'll clean off your glasses

and you'll find out where you are!

Well, Colonel Blake says that both of you guys

from now are pulling double duty

till he replaces Major Burns and Major Houlihan.

Which, the way things go in the army,

could be about 10 o'clock next summer.

(mocking laughter)

He can't do that to us.

He'll wear us to a frazzle.

(exhaling)

I think maybe we finally went too far.

You should've thought of that before we started.

I was too busy going too far.

(sighing) I still don't know what we're gonna do about Frank Burns.

Gimme a minute.

(metal clattering)

Want a martini?

No, thanks. I just put one away.

(laughing)

What are you laughin' at?

I think I have what just might be an idea.

Yeah?

Three of the basic human emotions

are greed, fear, and greed.

So?

Frank Burns is crazy about money.

He married for money.

He became a doctor for money.

If there was money in dying,

he'd throw himself under a truck in a minute.

All of which means what?

Remember that story Radar told us

about there being gold in Korea?

Oh, Radar.

He's got the IQ of a house plant.

Frank isn't much smarter.

If he thought he could get rich staying here,

he'd never leave.

Now, how about a martini?

I don't care how drunk you make me.

I'm not going home with you.

He must have some around here someplace.

Every dentist does.

I don't know how anyone can be a dentist.

Imagine keeping your hand in a bunch of wet mouths all day.

Gives you wrinkled fingers.

‐Ugh. ‐Hey!

That looks like a gold filling.

Perfect.

Must be Henry's.

If it is, it's the only good thing

that ever came out of his mouth.

Shh! You'll wake him.

How much gold do you think we got tonight?

Ah, forget it, he's still asleep.

(tools clattering)

How much gold do you think we got tonight?

I don't know, but we found enough out there

to buy Frank's country club

and have him thrown out of it.

In my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd be this rich.

Let me buy you a drink.

Let's finish these and go back to the creek

and get some more.

Don't be greedy.

I'm putting mine under my bed.

Why not under my bunk?

Stop pulling it! You spilled some!

Shh‐shh‐shh.

Quiet, you'll wake him up.

Shh! Where are you going with that?

The First National Latrine.

Aren't you afraid of being robbed?

You ever heard of a latrine bein' robbed?

I'm going with you.

♪♪♪

What'd I say?

Were you talking?

Oh, really, Frank.

These rocks!

Why'd you pick such an awful rocky place for a walk?

Well, I just wanted a last look around,

you know, sort of a sentimental journey,

and I...

It's so unlike you.

You never liked the outdoors.

Well, that's ridiculous!

I love the outdoors!

Any time I'm not indoors,

that's where you'll find me.

OK, Mom.

(metal clangs)

Say what?

Shh.

It's all right, Radar.

I... just wanted to borrow something.

Yes, sir.

Do you, uh...

always sleep with a teddy bear?

Well, not when I'm on duty, sir.

It's okay. It's okay.

Bad man go away.

(panting)

If I dig one foot deeper, I'll be AWOL.

Gold!

Gold!

(manic laughter)

Gold, gold!

‐Colonel Blake, I have, uh‐‐ ‐Oh, Frank, do you know what‐‐

What happened to you?

I, uh... fell down.

Really? How many times?

I've got to talk to you, sir.

Not now, Frank.

I just lost a temporary filling

and every time I suck air, it's a new adventure in pain.

I've decided not to go, sir.

Frank, if you think you're gonna sleep here tonight,

you're crazy.

I mean, my transfer! I want to stay!

Oh, for cryin' out loud, Frank!

I went to a lot of trouble to accommodate you!

Well, tear them up! Tear up my orders!

I don't wanna go!

What about Pierce and McIntyre?

Great guys! Fun‐loving...

‐A little‐‐ What? ‐Frank?

You've been pushing your stethoscope

too far into your ears.

I think it scratched your brain.

Well, think whatever you like.

But I don't want to leave here.

‐There it is! ‐Where?

It's just right under your foot.

Is this your final decision, Frank?

Absolutely and irrevocably, yes.

I never want to leave here.

I'm yours, forever.

I gotta tell you something, Frank.

I've gone to sleep with happier thoughts.

But, Frank, I'm all packed!

What do you mean, we're not leaving?

The colonel has rescinded my orders.

You'll just have to unpack.

I've said goodbye to all the nurses.

They even gave me a farewell present.

They must have spent at least two dollars.

Well, Margaret, I can't leave now.

Something's... come up.

Who is she, Frank?

Who? Is who?

You're seeing another woman.

Are you crazy?

I'm a happily married man.

Frank, I don't understand any of this.

Oh, don't cry, Margaret.

Ow.

Or...

go ahead, and I'll dry your tears

with a gold handkerchief.

‐What? ‐Gold, Margaret.

There's a fortune in gold out there.

I've seen it!

McIntyre and Pierce have a whole bag of it!

Wait a minute. I smell a rat!

No, two rats! Two 14‐carat rats!

Oh, no. No, no. No‐no‐no‐no.

Let me prove it to you.

Come on.

Morning, Major Burns. Major Houlihan.

The secret's out! Come on!

This way!

You see? You see?

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, attention! All personnel.

Tonight's double feature is "Greed"

and "The Major was a Miner",

starring Major Frank "There‐Goes‐My‐Transfer" Burns.

You did some good work in there, Frank.‐You really did. ‐Hmph.

We're sorry, Frank.

We really are.

Well, sometimes a joke can get way beyond an apology.

Frank, they're trying to make amends.

Well...

We'll never try to make you look foolish again, Frank.

Scout's honor.

Well...

Okay.

I told you he was a sweetheart.

Oh! What are you doing?

Stop that!

‐Pierce, let him go! ‐Wait your turn!

Ugh! You let him go!

You mean this isn't a nurse?

How dare you!

♪♪♪ (theme)