All language subtitles for MASH.S01E17.Sometimes.You.Hear.the.Bullet.WEBRip.x264-ION10

♪♪♪ (theme)

♪♪♪ ("I'm In the Mood
For Love")

(humming)

(knock on door)

‐Margaret.
‐Frank.

Oh, Margaret, you don't
know what it does to me,

being near you
all day in surgery,

only able to touch you
through rubber gloves.

Oh...

Dance?

You all right?

Oh, yes.

It's just this song.

It gives me goose bumps.

I'm the same way about
"Pennsylvania 6‐5000."

Ohh, you're so
light on your feet.

I was voted
"Most Graceful"
in my class

at Veloz and Yolanda.

Oh...
(laughter)

Oh, Frank.

Frank, that's marvelous,

but the blood is beginning
to rush to my head.

It's not marvelous,
Margaret.

It's my back.
I can't move.

(grunting,
painful moaning)

Frank, don't moan.

But I have to.

When a man's in pain,
he has to moan.

No, not unless he
wants to get caught

in a lady's tent.

(groaning)

I won't moan a word.

But we've got
to do something.

Can't you let go of me?

I'll try.

(grunting)

Now... go get help.

But they'll see us...
dressed like this.

In my tent!
With a candle.

And "I'm In the
Mood For Love".

But, Margaret, I need help!

Oh, and you'll get help,
my darling...

but not in my tent!

I don't think I should
be here, Hawkeye.

War's a dirty business,
Lieutenant.

None of us should be here.

I mean in your tent.

My tent's
a dirty business, too,

but it's a lot more fun
than the war.

Wait.

Have an olive
for your martini.

Olive? There aren't
any olives in Korea.

There are at least a dozen
right here in this jar.

From China.

Communist China?

I never talk politics
with an olive.

But they do come
from up there.

Mm‐hmm.

How?

Well, let's just say

I know a Red
on the black market

who gets me green olives.

BOTH: Ohh!

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, those dumb commies.

That's why they'll lose.

You can't
conquer the world

with a shoddy olive.

Hitler found that out.

Mm. Mm.
Oh, this is sensational.

You're my kind of girl,
Nancy:

drunk.

TRAPPER JOHN: Hawkeye.

Are you a ventriloquist?

Mm‐mm. It's your roomie.

I thought you were shooting
craps with the chaplain.

It's Frank.
He's had an accident.

Well, give him a mop

and tell him to be
more careful next time.

Come on, give me
a hand, will you?

I'm serious.

I hate him when
he's serious.

Be right back.

What's the matter, Frank?

‐It's my‐‐
‐His back. It's his back.

How'd it happen?

‐Well, I‐‐
‐Uh, he fell.

On his way to the shower.

He was coming
from that direction

from his tent, I guess,

going in that direction‐‐
the showers.

Were you
directing traffic

at the time of
the accident, Officer?

Don't get snippy, Captain.

Frank, do you have
a history with your back?

Oh, it goes out
every few years.

The last time was V‐J Day
in Times Square

when this big sailor
hugged me.

Let's get him
to the post‐op ward

and string him up.
Maybe traction would help.

Oh, traction helps.

Usually a day or two
in traction and I'm‐‐

Now wait a minute, Frank.
I'm the doctor here.

I thought I was
the doctor here.

Actually,
we're all doctors here.

Even the patient's
a doctor here.

Hear, hear.

Will you clowns
act like professionals?

That man is hurt.

He's probably in shock.

He'll be in divorce court

if you don't erase
the tracks from your tent.

Well, Frank, how goes it?

He's resting
comfortably, Colonel.

Thank you, Major.

Any pain, Frank?

Slight muscle spasms
this morning,

but re‐adjusting
the traction helped.

Thank you.

‐Radar, give me the‐‐
‐Yes, sir.

‐Thank you.
‐Welcome.

Uh, I wonder if we could
discuss this, Frank.

It seems you've, um, applied
for the Purple Heart.

Yes, Colonel, you see,
the way we understand it‐‐

Major, unless Frank's
tongue's broken,

I'd like to hear it
from him.

Frank?

Well, yes, Colonel,
I've, um...

put in for
the Purple Heart.

But according to
your accident report,

you tripped in the mud
on the way to the shower.

‐Yes.
‐Is that the way

you want it announced
at the awards ceremony?

"Tripped in the mud on
the way to the shower"?

Well‐Well, I‐I...

Sir, this injury
was sustained

at a front line unit.

Technically, that makes
it battle‐connected.

On that basis, we'll
be handing out medals
for social diseases.

What are you
doing here, Pierce?

Well, I have
a stethoscope fetish.

This is the only place
I can wear one

without attracting
attention.

Henry, you're
not gonna endorse

this idiot's
application, are you?

That's "Major"
to you, Captain!

Henry, you're not
gonna endorse

this major idiot's
application, are you?

Pierce, that's
a decision I'll decide

when I decide and make
my, uh, uh, decision,

and that will,
uh, decide.

Doc! Doc!

Now take it easy, kid.
I'm a doctor.

Ohh... But I need
Dr. Pierce.

He's the only one
who can help me.

I'm Pierce.
What's the problem?

You're my problem.
I think I love you.

Tommy!

(laughter)

You're a beautiful sight.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

I'm an American soldier.
I'm one of the good guys.

Last I heard, I thought
you had a fool‐proof way
to beat the draft.

Well, the recruiting sergeant
peeked under my dress,

and here I am.

(nervous laughter)

Henry, I want you to meet
one of my best friends‐‐

Tommy Gillis.
Tommy, Henry Blake.

Henry, you're
a beautiful sight!

Well, uh, how's it
going, uh, Tommy?

(laughing)

Then he writes
a poem to his teacher

called "Ode to
a Pretty Teacher."

Oh, he did. He did.

Listen, how long
have you two nuts

‐known each other anyway?
‐What time is it?

Right now, 15 years.

No, it's more than that.

It was, uh‐‐ it was
back in grammar school,

fourth grade.

Fifth grade, remember?

He was
a wonderful child.

He was a bit
of a sissy.

But he was one of
the great milk monitors
I've ever seen.

A milk monitor!

Well, that was a very
responsible position.

It was the Depression,

and anybody with milk
carried a lot of weight.

Ohh. (chuckling)

(whispering)

Ha ha ha ha!

Maxine.

(laughter)

Listen, what I don't
understand is what
a guy like you

with your‐with your
background is doing here
in the infantry?

Why aren't you
a correspondent,
or something?

I'm keeping my country safe
from the Communist menace.

You used to be a Communist!

I'm keeping my country
safe from me.

Oh, I'll drink to that.

Look, if I was
a correspondent,

I'd be reporting the war.

In the infantry,
I'm living it.

So what's the difference?

Here.

Here's the difference.

You Never Hear
the Bullet.

What? Is that‐‐
is that the book?

Yeah, it's about the war,

and it's being
written by a soldier,

not a correspondent.

Yeah, how can I
explain it to you?

Okay, there's always
that big blond kid

that's always in all
those war movies, right?.

‐Yeah.
‐The one that should never
die and always does.

Yeah, and they
bring him back to life
in the next movie.

‐It's a great way to run a war.
‐Right.

Well, you always hear
this big, loud ricochet

‐just before he
gets killed, right?
‐Yeah.

Well...

that's not the way
it really happens.

There was a young
blond kid in our outfit.

One day I looked over,
and half of him was gone.

And you know what he said?

He said, uh, "I never
heard no bullet."

That's why that book is
called what it's called.

Let's get drunk.

‐I'll drink to that.
‐I never drink.

MAN (on P. A.):
Captain Pierce,

Captain McIntyre,
report to surgery.

What was that?

Him. He hates it
when we drink.

Listen, stick around
for a while.

‐We'll be back
in a little bit.
‐Hey, hey.

You guys aren't
just gonna prance
off and leave me?

Uh, I live in a very small
tent with three other guys.

"Prance"
makes me nervous.

Listen, stick around.
Make yourself at home.

‐We'll be right back.
‐Oh, thanks,

But half‐time's over.
I better get back to the war.

Oh, say goodbye
to Henry for me.

He'll understand.

Tommy Gillis, you're
a genuine lunatic.

Come back
and see us soon.

Right.
We'll split a nurse.

So, dumbbell, when will I
see you again? Soon?

That's up to
the North Koreans.

Tell 'em I sent you.

You still owe me
for a pint of milk.

Multiple lacerations,
contusions and abrasions.

Looks like
somebody bit him.

Heard the North was
using bamboo sticks,

but biting?

Uh, the North
didn't do it.

He did.

What do you mean?
This guy bit that guy?

Mm‐hmm, a fight.

This one has almost
identical injuries,

plus an ear that has
to be sewn back on.

Well, that'll
teach him to listen.

Let me see that.

What were they
fighting about?

Nobody knows.

This one over here
is an appendectomy.

Oh, great, no
battle‐inflicted wounds.

(groaning)

All right, look, we can
have time to do this

and still be crocked
before dinner.

Nancy, you prep
the appendectomy,

and we'll sew up
Zale and Graziano.

Father Mulcahy,
are you all right?

Just‐Just out of breath.
I‐I ran from chapel.

Happily you ran
for nothing, padre.

No last rites today.

Oh, thank heaven.

Uh, could I
show you something

in a "get well" prayer?

(chuckling)
That's good.

Okay, tie it off. Got it?

Yeah, I got it,
I got it.

Okay, lighten up
on him.

Ugh! Appendixes
make me sick.

Sutures.

Did you see
this kid's chest?

There's hardly
a hair on it.

Maybe we got ourselves
a flat‐chested WAC.

And look how thin he is
about the chest and waist.

Yeah.

"Private Wendell Peterson,
Marine Corps."

You know, I'd swear
this kid is really a kid.

I guess if they're tall
enough to reach the trigger,

they're old enough
to enlist.

‐A question.
‐The answer is yes.

Um, we're not going to be
interrupted again, are we?

My folks won't be
home for hours.

Frank is in traction,

and Trapper's watching
a movie in the mess tent.

And, um, you don't
think that he might
leave the movie?

And walk out
on Debra Paget?

Hur‐‐ Ugh!
(clears throat)

Hurry, please.
It's Major Burns.

Tell him to get
his own girl.

He's in pain.
He wants to see you.

Remember
where we were.

(moaning)

T‐Tell him where
it hurts, Frank.

Don't be brave.

Why don't you go boil
some water or something?

You know what
your trouble is?

You're a four‐star
hypochondriac.

But the pain!

The only pain
around here is the one

you two are giving me.

Please,
I don't wanna go home.

Please, I...

I'll just stay here.

Don't reach for
your appendix, kid.

It's gone.

How do you feel?

All ready to go out and
kill me some more gooks, sir.

Wendell, another word
for "gooks" is "people."

I mean the North Koreans.

The Chinese, sir,
the enemy.

I'm a Marine.
We're the best.

I'm a coward.
We're the worst.

How long before I can get
back to my outfit, sir?

Well, maybe a few more weeks.

Depends on how much
postoperative pain you have.

I don't care
about no pain.

I just wanna get
back to fightin'.

How old are you, Wendell?

Twenty.

Really, I'm 18.

For somebody
who's both 20 and 18,

you look awfully 16 to me.

See ya later.

What'd you do
while I was gone?

‐Oh, I drank.
‐Mmm.

‐And I filed my nails.
‐Mm‐hmm.

And I looked through
this dirty book I found

hidden on your shelf
behind Arrowsmith.

‐Dirty book?
‐Mm‐hmm.

It's Snow White
and the Seven Dwarfs.

Oh. Then how come
one of the dwarfs

is named Leather?

RADAR:
Hawkeye?

Hot Lips, if you don't get
outta here, I'll shoot you.

It's not Hot Lips.
It's Radar.

Radar, if you don't
get outta here,
I'll shoot Hot Lips.

There's trouble
in the post‐op.
You gotta come.

What is it?
Frank again?

No, no, it's a fight.
Hurry up!

I'll see ya.

Wait here, okay?

I'll be right back.

(shouting)

Watch it! The back!

The back! The back!
Watch the back!

Okay, break it up!
Break it up!

Cut it out.
Come on, come on.

Now, what's
all this about?

Come on,
what's going on?

‐He stole my salami.
‐You lousy liar!

Knock it off!
Knock it off!

Let me point out if you
meatballs have ripped out

those stitches
I put in,

I'm gonna put them
back with staples.

‐You got that?
‐He stole my salami.

I smell it
on his breath!

All right now,
wait a second!

If I get you
each a salami,

will you promise
to stop fighting?

At least until
your stitches heal?

‐Kosher?
‐Kosher.

Okay.

All right.
Come here.

Radar!

‐Sir?
‐Take care of these guys.

If they give you
any more trouble,

I want you to beat
them senseless with
their own salamis.

Aye aye, sir.

(clatter)

Wendell, as your doctor,
I'd advise you

to lay off hot‐wiring
jeeps for a few days.

You're not
sendin' me home.

For an appendix?
If they sent you
home for that,

I'd take my own out
every other day.

Come on.

(wincing)

Crummy appendix.

If it hadn't been
for that,

I'd still be up there
with my outfit.

I might even
get me that medal

and show that
dumb Bernice.

Bernice?
That your sergeant?

It's my girl.

She was, anyway.

We was going steady,
and then she dumps me

'cause Augie Hofstetter
comes back from boot camp.

Well, it ain't my fault
I'm too young to join up!

You 16?

Almost.

Did you use a phony
birth certificate?

My brother's.

What about your folks?

They think I run off
to join the circus.

Sent 'em a couple
of postcards with
elephants on it.

They don't know
the difference.

But you see...

if I was a‐a hero with
a medal and everything,

I just know Bernice'd
beg me to come back.

‐(sigh) Look, Wendell‐‐
‐Walter.

Wendell's
my brother's name.

Right, uh, I was
just wondering

if any girl worth having

cares whether you
have a medal or not.

And it's none
of my business.

If you wanna dress up like
a soldier and play marine,

that's up to you.
Just come inside

and let yourself heal
for a few days.

And I won't
turn you in, okay?

Gee, Captain...
for an army guy,

you're okay.

Who's in the army?

I just wear this uniform

because my saddle shoes
clash with blood.

She's not
in there anymore.

What are you
talking about?

Attention, attention,
all personnel,

all medical personnel...

That's what I'm
talking about.

A whole regiment took it
in the teeth a while ago.

It's gonna be
a long night. Come on.

Give me some suction.
I can't see anything here.

All right, good.

How many
does this make?

Ask Colonel Blake.

He's the one who puts
notches in his scalpel.

Dr. Pierce,
this one very shocky.

Trapper, can you
finish for me?

Sure, go ahead.
Yeah, okay.

Pierce, I heard
that little remark.

Oh, good, then we
won't have to amputate
your ears, Henry.

I'd give you a kiss, but I...

can't lift my head.

Well, you'd just
get my mask icky.

He's had 10 milligrams
of morphine.

Pressure 80 over 50
and faint.

Give me some O‐negative
blood here, quick!

The blood's for me.
I'm anemic.

Henry, I need your help.

Start another IV with
a large‐bore needle.

Come on, get over
there and help me.

70 over 50.

Wanna hear a funny one?

I heard the bullet coming.

Just like in the movies.

So you'll change the title of
the book, that's all.

Sometimes You Hear
the Bullet.

It's a better title anyway.

60.

They got the aorta.

Give me some retraction
and suction.

Father Mulcahy.

I can't get a pressure.

I've lost the pulse.

I'm gonna open the chest.

Give me a knife.

I said give me
a knife!

Pierce...

Go help McIntyre.

Come on, move.

We're jammed up
in here.

(frogs croaking,
crickets chirping)

Pierce, is there anything
I can do to help?

This is the first time
I've cried

since I came to
this crummy place.

I don't
understand that.

Well, Gillis
was your friend.

I mean, it's only natural
that you'd, uh...

you know.

Henry, I know
why I'm crying now.

Tommy was my friend,
and I watched him die,

and now I'm crying.

I've watched guys
die almost every day.

Why didn't I ever
cry for them?

Because you're
a doctor.

What the hell
does that mean?

I don't know.

If I had the answer,
I'd be at the Mayo Clinic.

Does this place look
like the Mayo Clinic?

Look, all I know is
what they taught me
at command school.

There are certain
rules about a war,

and rule number 1
is young men die.

And rule number 2 is

doctors can't change
rule number 1.

You believe that?

I don't know.

(scoff)

Do you?

I don't know,
but I know one doctor

who can keep one young man
from dying in one war.

Major Houlihan?

This is Private
Wendell Peterson,
United States Marines.

Except Wendell's name
is really Walter,

and he's only
15 years old,

and he's going back home
where he belongs.

Put a guard on him
and give him to the MPs

as soon as he's well
enough to travel.

You double‐crosser.

I'm never gonna forgive
you for this!

Not for the rest of my life!

Let's hope it's a long
and healthy hate.

"And because said
injuries were sustained

"at a MASH unit in a zone
of armed combat...

"the Secretary of the Army

"hereby declares
that Franklin D. Burns,

Major, U. S. Army Reserves‐‐"

‐ Sir‐‐
‐ "...shall be awarded

the Order
of the Purple Heart."

‐Sir‐‐
‐May I have the medal, please?

Frank, here is
your Purple Earring.

Earring? What the‐‐

I guess you didn't know

having your appendix out
at a line unit

qualified you
for the Purple Heart, eh?

No, I sure didn't.

Gee, you really got it
for me fast, Hawkeye.

Well, there are ways.

‐Give my love to Bernice.
‐I will.

Have a good trip,
Wendell.

Walter.

Both of you.

Out of the way there.
Move.

Well, aren't we
grumpy today.

Well, what do you expect?

Somebody's stolen
Frank's medal.

It's not everybody

who wins
a Purple Earring.

♪♪♪ (theme)