Original subtitles

♪♪♪ (theme)

(Trapper John laughing)

Hey, Radar, why don't you eat with us?

Okay.

That's a nice‐looking hors d'oeuvre.

Would you like a doggy bag in advance?

Oh, don't give him a doggy bag.

He eats those, too, with cream and sugar.

Hey, what's the matter, kid? Come on.

You gotta stay in training for the Olympic Glutton Team.

I'll see you guys later.

‐What about your lunch? ‐I'm not eating.

That's a first.

Radar not eating.

Not eating?

We saw it with our own eyes.

‐Aw, come on. ‐Henry, we were there.

You know, yesterday I walked in here

and found him on top of that filing cabinet

in the fetal position.

The fetal position?

Dr. Freud, call your office, please.

And this morning, General Clayton called for the monthly report,

and Radar told him "We don't deliver."

Well, we don't.

Not after 6.

That's not the point.

Colonel Blake.

I'm in conference, Major.

What I have to say is important.

I love shy, retiring women.

Colonel Blake, I requisitioned

surgical silk for the O. R.,

and I was sent two boxes of ordinary cotton thread.

What are we supposed to do with that?

How about learning petit point?

The next time you see me, I want a salute, Captain.

Shall we make it in the women's shower, Major?

You'd better do something

about the requisition foul‐ups, Colonel‐‐

not your usual something,

but something that means something.

I wonder how she'd like

some plaster of Paris in her shaving cream?

Cotton thread. Do you know how long it's been

since Radar screwed up a requisition?

Henry, he's cracking up.

Or sick. Or both.

Hey.

Hey, suppose we give him a complete physical,

take him through a real workup.

Henry, that's a good idea.

Well, I sometimes get them.

Okay, Muscles, step behind the screen.

Hey, you know, you're cute.

Just take the picture.

HAWKEYE: Kill the lights, Cutler.

CUTLER: Hawkeye, do you mind?!

Keep your voice down.

You're disturbing the patient!

She's not botherin' me.

Really, Hawkeye!

You act like such a child at times!

(whistle)

Is it high?

High? According to this,

your blood should have whitecaps.

Come on, snap it up, will you, Radar?

Look, don't rush me. It makes me nervous.

(whistling)

Whistling doesn't help, you know.

Ah, come on, get on with it.

(glass shatters)

Get it right this time, and I'll give you a lollipop.

Listen, everything is negative.

‐You're in good shape. ‐Told you I was all right.

If you were any healthier, you could be In the Army.

Yeah. It's not organic.

Right. Your body is 1‐A.

But your mind if 4‐F.

You know, I've seen these symptoms before.

It's called goldbricking.

My prescription is a little extra duty.

Frank, would you mind not being so true red‐white‐and‐blue

first thing in the morning?

Look, Radar, this examination

only answers half the questions.

Now come on, tell us.

What's bugging you?

It's nothing.

Is that why you walk around

staring at your navel?

Although I don't know anybody else who would.

It's nothing, I said.

Now listen to me, soldier.

We're all in this together with a common goal‐‐

to serve our country and repel the godless horde from the north

that would engulf our way of life.

‐Frank. ‐Hmm?

He's okay, but you're making me sick.

Godless horde?

Oh, nertz to you.

Nertz?

Come on, Radar. Let us help you.

Tell us, what's‐what's turnin' you into a fruitcake?

Come on, kid. What is it?

(sighing deeply)

Put it on and see.

FEMALE VOICE: Hi, there, Radar.

This is Linda Sue, comin' to you from the glass booth

of Holtzman's Department Store.

Everything is real good here,

and, being as how you and I are engaged,

I think you should be the first to know

I'm going to marry Elroy Fimple.

Now, please don't take it too hard

'cause I know we're all gonna be real good friends

if you come back alive.

Just a minute now.

ELROY: Hiya, ol' buddy!

Say, I'm awful sorry about what happened,

but I guess you have to charge it up

to ol' Mother Nature.

Well, you know how it is.

And I sure hope you understand.

Good luck, and keep knockin' off them commies.

Bye now!

LINDA SUE: Goodbye, Radar!

I'll always have a soft place in my‐‐

‐Elroy! ‐(Elroy snickering)

‐It's a glass booth! ‐(Elroy giggling)

Elroy!

Quit kissing that part, can you?

(Elroy laughing)

Elroy!

(phonograph off)

A "Dear John" recording.

Listen, Radar, I know it's rough‐‐

Look, this shouldn't be so hard.

What cures a man of a broken heart?

Heavy alimony?

A date with Radar?

Yeah, let him take you to the movies.

Oh, he's a nice enough guy, but...

How 'bout tonight?

I can't, I'm busy.

I've got a date.

Oh, I'm sure. With whom?

You.

Who else can we think of?

Just a movie, O'Brien.

Or a walk over to the rec tent for a beer.

Forget it.

Try it once.

Look, I promise you he'll shave,

and he won't wear his wool cap.

I'll even get him to clean his glasses.

I'm very fond of him,

but I'm not going out with Corporal Radar O'Reilly,

and that's that.

Would you hand me my towel, please?

Dry yourself with this.

Trapper!

And I hope your shower cap springs a leak.

He's bright, he's a good talker.

He's got a warm personality when you get to know him.

Radar? Oh, come on!

Now, look. Now, listen.

Just try to imagine this.

You go for a walk in the moonlight down by the river.

Take along a blanket and a bottle of wine...

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐Hmm?

You sit in a secluded spot.

There's just the sound of the rippling water.

Mmmm.

And then after that it's just

soft, moist, warm, passionate kisses.

Oh, yeah, Hawkeye. Yeah...

Oh, hey, well, what about Radar?

Radar who?

What?

Well, listen, thanks for the try, guys, anyway.

‐Look‐‐ ‐I really appreciate it.

It just happens everybody in camp was busy.

Don't let it make you feel bad.

Yeah.

Radar, you got to understand

no woman's worth that kind of anguish.

Now look, let's face it.

I struck out in the World Series of love.

Radar, just suffer. Don't try to write.

(wolf whistle)

Lieutenant, you'll stay here.

Lieutenant, come with me.

Corporal, get the lieutenant's bags.

Uh, yes, sir.

Thanks.

That's sweet of you.

Um, Corporal?

‐Hmm? ‐Your hand.

Oh, that's all right. I am not using it now.

(whistles)

Did you see her, Hawkeye?

She's beautiful.

I know. I heard the violins.

Actually, this is a very nice bottle of wine.

It's got a picture of a vineyard on the label

just to show it was made outta grapes.

(chuckling)

What a nice gesture, Captain.

Thank you very much.

It's for those days when the surgeons get restless.

And you can call me Hawkeye.

You're obviously in charge

of making the replacements feel at home, right?

Oh, I just drive the Welcome Wagon.

I think you'll find we're a mighty friendly bunch of folks

here in Cowardly Valley, missy ma'am.

The Plays of George Bernard Shaw.

Plato's Republic.

Oh, autographed by the author.

The Complete Works of D'Annunzio.

That's very interesting.

Do you like Italian poets?

No, but I'm crazy about lasagna.

Lieutenant, I was wondering if you'd like to come over

to the rec tent a little later

and meet some of our brave little gang?

Oh, thanks. I'll meet your brave little gang

in time, I'm sure.

There's one guy in particular

I know you'd enjoy meeting.

He's‐He's a brilliant conversationalist.

Got a provocative sense of humor, an inquiring mind.

I know you'll love him.

I'm sure I would, but, uh...

Vivaldi?

Bach at Carnegie Hall.

Tchaikovsky, Shostakovich...

You got some great toe‐tappers here.

At least you got the names right.

Oh, thank you.

I'm a "Beer Barrel Polka" man myself.

Well, he said, how 'bout later?

Pick you up around 8:00?

You know, Hawkeye,

you're a very famous local character.

Who squealed?

(chuckling)

And I am flattered.

But I'm also tired

and a little leery.

Thanks for the bottle.

I had a nice time at your unpacking.

Hey, Radar, you got a problem.

Come here.

This Lieutenant Anderson has a brain.

Hawkeye, people with brains don't get transferred here.

Oh, yeah?

This kid brushes her teeth with an encyclopedia.

Look, I borrowed these from Father Mulcahy

for training purposes.

You got a lotta work to do.

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy.

War and peace?

Yeah, well, Tolstoy was very flexible.

He went either way.

Now, look, you can't possibly read all of these.

‐Just familiarize yourself with the names and dates. ‐Yeah.

You know‐‐ You know what I mean?

‐Just fake it. ‐Yeah.

Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.

That sounds serious.

Well, it was no picnic.

"The crumbling Roman Empire was beset with strife."

You just spoiled the movie for me.

What do I do if she corners me on something?

Okay, all right. You just...

You look thoughtful and you say:

"That's highly significant."

‐No. ‐No, come on. Try it, try it.

That's highly significant.

He said look thoughtful, not sick.

All right, okay, try this, try this:

"I consider that horse‐and‐buggy thinking."

I consider that horse‐and‐buggy thinking.

That's not bad.

‐Hey! ‐Yeah, I like that.

Now, look, you might get into a discussion about music with her.

Music?

Yeah, she's got some pretty highbrow taste.

Mozart? Bach? All the biggies?

Bach is easy.

If she brings him up, you just smile

and you say: "Ahh, Bach."

‐Ahh, Bach. ‐Smile a little bit.

‐Ahh, Bach! ‐That's nice.

Very good. That's not bad.

Now, if she throws other guys at you

‐like Shostakovich or Tchai‐‐ ‐Who?

Shostakovich or Tchaikovsky,

just try to look bored.

That's your bored look?

Yeah.

Go back to lookin' sick.

(sighing)

What do I do if she asks me what I like in music?

Well, say, uh...

"Well, I'm partial to the fugue."

Well, I'm partial to the fugue.

Can I say that to a girl I hardly know?

And, I've been working at the headquarters hospital in Seoul.

‐Very GI compared to this. ‐Oh.

Well, We run a very informal shop around here.

We don't work too hard.

Yeah, we try not to let the war spill over

into the cocktail hour.

‐Say something. ‐Speaking of Tolstoy...

Tolstoy? What about him?

Uh, Radar was saying just the other day

how flexible he is.

Right, Radar? Remember that?

‐Flexible? ‐Flexible.

Uh, what Radar meant was

that Tolstoy could either work at his writing

or, uh, not work at his writing.

Actually, he was one of the hardest‐working

neo‐realist writers of the 19th century.

I'll go along with that.

I'll tell you how I feel about Tolstoy.

That's highly significant.

I haven't said anything yet.

That's okay.

I have confidence in you, Lieutenant.

Would you like some ketchup?

It wouldn't hurt.

Thanks.

Real service.

I'm pretty good with mustard, too.

Yeah, we use a lot of ketchup around here.

It improves the food.

Well, when in Rome...

The, uh, fall of the Roman Empire

was due to internal strife.

Yeah, that's interesting.

It's from The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.

Radar reads an awful lot.

Big reader.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, he's voracious.

Really?

Is that true?

Maybe it is...

and maybe it isn't.

Did you ever see anything like that?

Making a fuss over an enlisted man?

Fawning all over him?

It's almost obscene, that's what it is.

Probably only got one thing on her mind.

Don't say that word, Frank.

Not at lunch.

I was telling Radar about the great records you have.

Oh, yeah, you can borrow 'em any time you want to, Radar.

Oh, thanks.

I've got Shostakovich,

and I've got the London Symphony playing Tchaikovsky.

And, of course, I never travel anywhere

without good old Johann Sebastian.

Ahh.

Bach.

What does that mean? "Ahh, Bach"?

Uh, just that. Ahh, Bach.

I think once you've said that, you've said it all.

Ahh, Bach.

All right, hold it.

Somehow, there's a mathematical precision about Bach,

a complexity that adds up to actual simplicity.

It‐it goes beyond emotion.

Um, I suppose non‐lovers of Bach, if there are any,

would never really be able to understand it.

It's against regulations

for enlisted personnel to consort with officers.

Major, has it occurred to you

that these two people may be in love?

‐That's not important. ‐Not important?!

Without love, what are we worth?

89 cents.

89 cents' worth of chemicals walking around lonely.

That means my marriage is only worth $1.78?

Colonel, Lieutenant Anderson is one of my nurses.

I'm responsible for her conduct.

Corporal O'Reilly is your responsibility.

I want this affair with him terminated!

Affair?!

You're worried about Radar?

A near‐sighted, prepubescent corporal

with six toes on each foot?

While we're at it, how many more physicals

are you and Frank gonna exchange

before you declare each other fit?

Are you going to enforce the regulations

or try to lose it in the shuffle?

I'm warning you: break up this little romance,

or you'll force me to make a formal complaint

over your head to General Clayton.

One of these days I'm gonna booby‐trap her garter belt.

Wonder how she'd like it

if I broke up her romance with Frank Burns?

I wonder how she'd feel about that.

Now, Pierce, I‐I did not hear that.

I did not hear that, and if it comes to that,

I will‐I will deny any complicity with, or knowledge of,

that sort of cheap, low, sneaky,

underhanded maneuver.

Think you can do it?

You got it.

With a little butter and salt.

Wouldn't you like some

if we sent out for some popcorn?

All right, folks, we'll, uh, have our film now.

HAWKEYE: I know what I need.

A couple of hotdogs, like at a drive‐in.

TRAPPER JOHN: For what?

HAWKEYE: To watch the movies with.

Okay, uh, folks, you want to, uh...

(chatter)

Would you kind of settle‐‐

All right, people, all right.

RADAR (shouting): Quiet!

Thank you, Radar.

Our, uh, film today deals with, uh, the, uh,

newest methods of treating cardiogenic shock.

And along with that, we'll have some slides

on the newest drugs available to us,

uh, for the treatment of this, uh, disorder.

Lights, please, Radar? Thank you.

(clatter)

‐Hey, Frank. ‐Yeah? Yeah?

Uh, Major, I just got word that you're needed

right away in the post‐op.

Oh, coming.

Listen, this is right up your alley.

Yeah, well, yes, this is my specialty.

But practice makes perfect.

‐I've always said that. ‐Yeah, yeah.

HENRY: All right, this is slide A,

followed, of course, by slide...C?

B. By B.

Sir, either stop that, or I'll call the usher.

Ohh!

It's been days and days and days and days, Frank.

Shall we try for tonight?

Mmm, my place or yours?

Yours. Last night, they sewed me into my blanket.

Dr. Trueheart must have something going tonight,

right, lover?

‐Anybody we know? ‐Anybody we missed?

Just because a man shaves,

‐does it have to mean he's‐‐ ‐Yes, it does!

That's why shaving was invented:

to kill time before a date.

It would never occur to people of your ilk

that a man might just want to get rid of his beard

and feel clean, would it?

Oh, you'd be clean with or without a beard, Frank.

You're the cleanest of the clean.

You're even cleaner.

You're so clean, you're dirty.

An officer should respect himself

and the men he commands...

Oh, no.

Poor Frank.

Just can't hold his chloroform.

(knocking)

Come in, darling.

What do you want?

Uh, Major Burns' compliments, ma'am.

He's sorry, but he can't keep his date with you tonight.

Date? What date?

I have no date with Major Burns.

We're just acquaintances.

Oh, we run into each other once in a while.

Well, he can't run into you tonight.

Where were you?

What happened last night?

You wouldn't believe it.

Those two maniacs?

They gave me a cologne overdose.

What?

Well, I told you you wouldn't believe it.

Now?

You'd think they could run that post‐op ward

for just one night without me.

I guess not.

You're a very important man‐‐

‐Well... ‐...ma'am.

All right, Sergeant. What is it?

What's‐‐ What's what, Major?

I was told I was needed, and here I am.

What for?

That's what I'm asking you.

We've got no problems here, Major.

Except yours.

Well, then why did‐‐

Margaret, dear...

it's me. Frank!

What are you doing?

What are we doing?

Just a little pillow talk.

But don't tell the housemother.

Ohh! You guys!

I've had it! I've had it with...

Ohh!

What are you doing in my bed?!

The first one was too hard.

And the second one was too soft.

All right, all right!

Now what's it gonna take for you two

to leave me alone?

Ease up on Radar and Louise Anderson,

and cut out all that GI garbage.

‐Let 'em enjoy. ‐No!

It's blackmail.

‐Okay. ‐Nighty‐night.

Stop it! Stop it!

We have a "stop it". Do I hear an "uncle"?

Uncle!

No calls to General Clayton?

No more calls to General Clayton.

And you'll stay off Henry's back?

I'll get off Henry's back.

Fine. And there's just one more thing.

What?!

Who is this man in bed with me?

Oh!

You don't know me.

I followed you home from the movie.

Out!

Of course, it was customary at that time

for musicians to be subsidized by wealthy patrons.

Here they are, America's kid sweethearts.

And they owe it all to us.

The Acme Cupid company.

Considering the almost insurmountable odds

against a young, struggling composer,

his achievement, let alone his prodigious output,

becomes even more astounding.

‐Hi, there. ‐Hello.

Hiya, Radar.

‐Radar? ‐Aah! Bach!

Tolstoy?

♪♪♪ (theme)