Original subtitles

(helicopters whirling)

♪♪♪ (theme)

Mmm...

HAWKEYE: "Dear Dad, a lull...

"at last, after almost three straight days

"of meatball surgery,

"70 hours of sewing kids together.

"If this keeps up, I was thinking of asking

"the army for a raise.

"Either that or putting on some lipstick and earrings

"and get a discharge.

"If war was hell in Sherman's day,

you can imagine what it is now."

All right, retract that bowel so I can see something.

‐Retractor. ‐Retractor.

Go.

‐Ease up, Frank! ‐Well, hurry up, will ya?

‐Clamp. ‐Clamp.

HAWKEYE: "The tension in the OR is always a foot thick.

But we do our best to cut through."

Anybody hear how the game turned out?

Yeah, the Bears beat the Packers 21 to 10.

‐I'm trying to concentrate. ‐Try the library.

‐Longfingers? ‐Longfingers.

Can't we have some military discipline in here?

Good idea, Frank.

Lieutenant, throw out your chest.

Why? It looks perfectly all right to me.

HAWKEYE: "If jokes seem sacrilegious in an operating room,

"I promise you they're a necessary defense

"against what we get down here

at this end of the draft board."

Colonel Blake needs your help.

Frank, pull that back for me, will you?

‐Okay, got it. ‐All right.

You ever thought of leaving your behind to science?

"Henry Blake's a good doctor and a pretty good Joe.

"As a commanding officer, well, it's a bit like

"being on a sinking liner, running to the bridge

"and finding out the captain is Daffy Duck.

"But more about 'ol Henry later.

"Christmas here in Korea,

"as with you in Vermont, is soon upon us.

(trumpet playing "Hark! the Harold Angels Sing")

RADAR (on intercom): The glee club meets in the mess tent at 0800 hours.

The first number on tonight's schedule is, uh,

Father Mulcahy's solo,

"I'm Confessin' That I Love You".

♪♪♪

HAWKEYE: "Still, there is some effort to celebrate the idea

"of peace on earth,

even though there's shootin' in them thar hills."

♪♪♪

"How far had Radar O'Reilly gotten

"in my last letter to you?

"I think, if I'm not mistaken,

"he had mailed the back seats by then.

"This week he's smuggling out the front seats.

"It took Trapper and me a while to figure out what he was up to,

"until we did a fluoroscope of one of his packages,

"and found out he was mailing a jeep home,

piece by piece."

What's in the box?

Uh, toys for the orphans, sir.

Oh, let me give you a hand.

Uh, would you, please, sir?

HAWKEYE: "Radar's not the first guy to do this, of course.

"It's an old army bit.

"I wouldn't be surprised if one of George Washington's soldiers

hadn't mailed home a horse one piece at a time."

"Radar can't wait until he gets his discharge

"and tells his mailman back in Iowa

"that he actually delivered a whole jeep for him.

The guy'll probably have a retroactive hernia."

"Come to the mess tent with me, Dad,

"and I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

♪♪♪

MAN (on intercom): Due to the number of people bored last Sunday,

next Sunday will be canceled.

‐Hiya, Radar. ‐Hi.

♪♪♪

It's looking good, Red.

Wait'll it's finished.

Eight o'clock tonight, right?

Make it nine.

No sweat.

I'll be ready.

That'll make two of us.

HAWKEYE: "There are certain rules in this man's army

"that are carried over from the year one.

"Thanks to these regulations, all of us know precisely what to do know what to do

in case we're ever attacked by the French or the Indians."

One ridiculous custom is the monthly lecture."

(cheering, applause)

All right, people, let's settle down.

Uh, this month's topic is, uh, "marital sex and the family."

‐HAWKEYE: Louder, Henry. ‐"And the family."

The first part.

Marital sex. (clears throat)

Let's hear it for this month's topic!

(cheering)

Just hold it down, okay?

It's not actually necessary that any of you officers be present.

Only enlisted personnel are required to attend.

Why should they know more than we do?

Yeah, I got a date tonight.

I wanna learn as much as I can.

Let's can the jokes. I'd like to get right down to the sex.

I mean, uh,

the talk about the, uh...

what I'm supposed to talk about.

Radar, uncover the charts.

‐ Your pointer, sir. ‐ Thank you.

(cheering, whistling)

Good luck, sir.

They, uh... You start here...

‐ We've got your, uh, man and your woman. ‐ Which is which?

The one with the big hips is the man.

Can we have an end to these comments?

Some of us happen to be genuinely interested in this subject.

I've devoted my life to this subject.

At least a good many of the nights.

Dirty mind.

You know what they say‐‐ dirty mind, warm heart.

Uh, now...

Uh, we...

Excuse me.

The, uh, union of Figure A‐‐ man‐‐

and, uh... Figure B...

uh... the, uh... woman...

is the most sublime expression of, uh, romantic love.

However, only in the institution of marriage

is it recommended that this expression take place.

‐Sir! ‐Mm‐hmm?

What happens in the event that

Figure A is attracted to Figure B

and wants to get married,

but Figure A is already married to, say, Figure C,

and Figure B is engaged to Figure D,

but Figure A can't keep his hands off Figure B

because she's got a great figure?

According to the army, he's got to forget her.

That figures.

Okay, moving along now,

we come to the matter of, uh, family reproduction.

How it really happens.

How it all really happens is, uh... really, uh,

one of nature's really cute things, really.

Uh, now first of all,

it is necessary that these charts‐‐

uh, that these two married charts‐‐

It is necessary that they, uh...

uh... uh, that they, uh...

‐ They what, sir? ‐ That they, uh...

Dismissed.

(cheering)

Bravo! Bravo!

Encore! Yay!

Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake, ladies and gentlemen!

‐10:00 tonight? ‐Make it 11.

Yo! Hawk!

MAN (on intercom): The following men have volunteered

for this afternoon's 10‐mile physical fitness hike‐‐

HAWKEYE: "To bring you up to date on my co‐pilot, Trapper,

"as I wrote you earlier, he's developed a thriving,

"very lucrative private practice on the side over here.

"On a good day he collects about 50 or 60 smiles,

"The kind you never forget."

They're gettin' too hip.

That didn't hurt, did it?

(chuckling)

Hey.

HAWKEYE: "Whenever the locals want help, invariably,

it's Trapper John McIntyre they turn to."

Whatever it is, it's urgent.

‐(speaking foreign language) ‐Okay, okay.

‐You take care of the kids. I'll be back. ‐Okay.

HAWKEYE: "Last week he performed a service that really

set him up with the townies."

(speaking foreign language)

"He helped with a delivery that added

"one more precious life to the village‐‐

"a bouncing baby veal for which service

"the doctor received one gallon of mother's milk.

"Father Mulcahy is stringing popcorn all over the place

"in an attempt to give this cesspool a yuletide look.

"He's a terrific guy, our priest.

"But I never tell him, 'cause I don't want

"to foul up his humility.

"I can tell you this.

"I don't envy him this parish.

At least I didn't last Wednesday."

‐Pierce? ‐Yes, ma'am.

I'm here to relieve you.

You do resemble an enema.

You're beat, Captain.

I suggest you hit the sack this afternoon,

instead of chasing nurses.

A good idea, Frank, but some of those girls

have been waiting for months.

Well, whatever you do, I want to see you shaved

the next time I see you.

I shaved this morning.

Well, shave again, and this time,

take one step closer to the razor.

Oh, very good!

Frank, you are ten of the most boring people I know.

(humming)

‐Klinger? ‐Sir?

Where did you get that?

Nurse McCarthy gave it to me, sir.

I'm talking about that bandanna.

Oh, that's my good luck.

My ma give me this when I shipped out.

Well, take it off.

‐Oh, sir, I‐‐ ‐I want that bandanna!

I'll have my ma send you one.

Soldier! You're out of uniform.

Sir, the nurse said to get these to the lab.

A nurse said?

You're placing me under a nurse?

You said it, I didn't.

Stop!

(tray clattering)

You see what you did?

‐Fellas, fellas‐‐ ‐Me?

What, are you crazy?

No, wait! No!

(grunting)

Come on, guys! Come on!

Break this up!

Klinger! Klinger!

Just before prayer‐‐

What are you crazy?

Go on, scram!

Scram! Get out of here!

(whistle blowing)

What's going on, Father?

Shh, shh, shh.

He's exhausted.

Okay.

Where's the guy that exhausted him?

Let me take care of it.

Please?

I'm not even Catholic.

Would you like to be?

♪♪♪ (distant trumpet playing Christmas carol)

Can I see you, Corporal Klinger?

Not now, father. I gotta see the major.

‐Is that a grenade? ‐That's what it is, father.

A live grenade?

I thought I'd stick it in the major's ear

‐and find out. ‐Give it to me.

Don't touch me, or you're gonna be

a lot of little priests.

‐Klinger. ‐He broke the bottles.

The nurse wanted 'em in the lab.

I can't take this off! Something'll happen to me.

‐Klinger? ‐Stop.

Another step, and I'll take us both out.

He's tired.

We're all tired.

You're tired, too?

I can't get to sleep...

unless I count sacrificial sheep.

Give me the grenade.

Please?

Can I keep my bandanna?

I guarantee it.

It's from my ma, you know.

She said never take it off.

No reason why you should.

None at all.

Something like this, I just...

Corporal Klinger, I understand.

♪♪♪

MAN (on intercom): Attention, all personnel.

When filling out GI insurance forms,

be sure to state your age and sex

at the time of your last birthday.

♪♪♪

HAWKEYE: "Our nurses are a great bunch of girls.

"Never a complaint,

"and they work their lovely bottoms off.

"Being so far from home at Christmas is kinda rough on them.

"I've certainly done my share to keep up their morale.

"But I've only got two hands.

"One lady in our outfit who has no problem at all

with her spare time is our chief nurse,

"Hot Lips Houlihan.

"The major is a paradox.

"A woman of considerable passion,

"she is also a stickler for military correctness.

"I wouldn't mind making a grab for her myself,

"but I don't know how to do that

"and salute her at the same time.

"As I've written you, Frank Burns and Hot Lips

"have been an item over here ever since

"they both laid their beady little eyes on each other.

"They think no one's wise, but the only one over here

"who doesn't know about their romance

"is General MacArthur's pipe‐stuffer.

"Frank plays it very cool at all times.

"He and Hot Lips had a date the other night.

But it was the last thing Frank would admit."

Uh, going out tonight, Frank?

Just to stretch my legs.

Ugh! What's that?

It's French.

Oh, no wonder you smell like a snail.

Ha‐ha.

HAWKEYE: "What neither Frank nor Hot Lips knows

"is that earlier in the afternoon,

"while they were off picking berries or whatever,

"Trapper and I stopped by her tent.

"We spent a few minutes getting the place ready

"for their date that night.

It turned into some enchanted evening."

(blowing)

Three guesses.

General MacArthur?

Clark Gable?

‐Dr. Schweitzer? ‐Right!

All three times.

‐Frank! ‐Margaret!

‐Frank, don't make any marks. ‐Uh‐uh.

Frank, we've got hours.

That's right.

Let the others get theirs.

To go, Frank. Hours to go.

Oh!

Of course. (giggling)

Gee, it, uh, all looks so nice.

You've got golden hands, Margaret.

(sighing)

Did you, uh... hear the rumor

that peace talks might be starting?

Don't even think it.

Oh, Frank, the candle!

We may be throwing shadows!

Right...

Frank?

Somebody's been fooling with this.

It's a gag candle!

Oh, why can't people leave us alone?

Hey, you'd think they were all my wife!

Oh, Frank!

Oh, I'm sorry, Margaret, I‐‐

F‐Forget that I said that. I did not say that.

I didn't hear you say a thing.

(gasping)

Someone sawed through these legs!

There's pudding in the pillow.

Oh, I'm gonna get them for this!

I'll get 'em all!

Each and every dirty‐‐

(tent creaking)

Oh, Frank!

(screaming)

(Frank) Oh, I'll get them! I'll get them!

I'll get them for this if it's the last‐‐

(screaming)

Goodnight, Trapper.

Goodnight, Hawkeye.

MAN (on intercom): A reminder that the 4077 Christmas party

for the Korean children in the area

will be held today at 1400 hours.

So everyone turn out to meet the kids.

Santa will be there, too.

We can only hope he's sober.

♪♪♪

Excuse me, sirs.

Would you hold this, please?

Uh... Pierce?

Pierce?

Captain Pierce!

Pierce, are you crazy?

It was a Christmas present.

If you'd like, I could do it into a stocking.

Why, you‐‐

You are a moral degenerate!

Me? A moral degenerate?

Santa Claus?

Ho‐ho‐ho‐ho‐ ho‐ho‐ho‐ho.

Margaret, are‐are you all right?

I'm fine, Frank. Fine...

Oh, the man's a beast! An animal.

Yeah... Every bit of him.

What's the idea giving Hot Lips mouth‐to‐mouth resuscitation?

I was getting a culture for the lab.

Any good?

I think if we could get her away from Frank,

she could become a major kisser.

That's what she's doing now.

Oh, yeah.

How am I gonna get this thing off?

You realize if my father sees this,

you'll have to marry me.

I wouldn't marry you for five dollars.

How's our house?

‐Standing room only. ‐Great!

Okay, help me with my bag, okay?

I gotta see you.

You'll have to get in line, little fella.

Santa can't play favorites.

Hold it! Radar, where's that‐‐

There's an infantry squad pinned down on Hill 28, 20 miles up.

They're caught in heavy crossfire.

Their corporal's been hit bad and needs cutting pronto if he's gonna make it.

‐HAWKEYE: How do I get there? ‐Chopper's waiting.

‐Here you go, Santa. ‐Wait a minute‐‐ I'll go.

No, it's a chest wound. It better be Pierce.

If there's an extra nurse on the bottom,

‐save her for me. ‐You betcha.

Hey!

If I don't see you...

Merry Christmas.

Tell me when you see me.

(helicopter whirling)

HAWKEYE: "'Tis the day before Christmas, Dad,

"and I'd much rather be in the house.

"Just too many creatures stirring around here

"for my comfort.

"Frankly, the last thing I figured when

"I went to med school was winding up

"flying into battle dressed as Kriss Kringle.

"But then all those kids down there

are in the last place they ever figured."

(explosions below)

(gunfire below)

(explosion)

(gunfire below)

Holy cow!

And you said there was no Santa Claus, huh?

(gunfire and explosions)

(gunfire and explosions continue)

(explosion)

"PS, Dad, I almost forgot to wish you Merry Christmas

"from everyone at MASH.

"Trapper McIntyre...

"Henry Blake...

"Even Frank Burns.

"Hot Lips Houlihan...

"Future used‐car dealer, Radar O'Reilly...

"Ginger Bayliss...

"Father Mulcahy...

"Corporal Klinger...

"All the ladies of the ensemble...

"And of course me.

"Your loving son,

"and unsuccessful draft dodger...

"Hawkeye."

♪♪♪ [theme]