Original subtitles

♪♪♪ (theme)

♪♪♪ (theme)

♪♪♪ ‐One. ‐One?

One.

Can you believe this guy?

He asks for one.

Will you just deal?

Ten dollars.

Man's luck is not to be believed.

Nothing worse than a sore winner.

Luck?

My openers.

Luck has nothing to do with it.

I win all the time because my heart is pure.

Right, Frank?

You're a vice‐ridden degenerate, Pierce.

I think you even have a heart.

Ooh, Frank, for a doctor,

that's a very serious diagnosis.

Now, now, we all know how competent and dedicated

Frank is.

That's why he and Hot Lips spend every night together

in the examination room.

It so happens that Major Houlihan and I

are studying the treatment of cardiac arrests.

I wouldn't mind making a cardiac arrest on Hot Lips.

Her name is Margaret.

Oh, $24.50, Ho‐Jon.

What's the total?

Uh, $309.68, Hawkeye.

Let's keep those nickels and dimes coming, gang.

You keep that up,

And I'm gonna put your tongue in traction.

How did you two ever become doctors?

Why did you become a doctor, Major?

To meet girls.

It was the wish of my dear mother,

the guiding force of my life, who...

The frame.

My sterling silver frame!

Take it easy, Frank.

You stole her frame, you...

Guys!

You've done some terrible things before,

but this is the worst!

You're fiends!

‐Margaret, I‐‐ ‐(groaning)

‐You look awful! ‐Oh, no. Don't look.

Oh, Frank, what do you want?

My mother's silver frame is gone.

Well, I didn't take it.

Well, I'm not accusing you, but it's gone!

You know how much my mother means to me.

Oh, Frank, it's only a frame.

Well it's the principle.

I feel... violated. My own mother's picture.

To think those animals even laid their hands on it.

Would you hand me my brushes?

Well I don't think spanking them will do any good.

No, Frank, I'm gonna brush my hair.

100 strokes, every night.

Well, it's getting late. I might just stay for 50.

‐Frank, my brushes? ‐Well, where are they?

On the night table where I always keep them.

My brushes! (gasping)

Where are they? Where are my brushes?

Margaret, control yourself!

They're gone! Somebody took them!

Margaret, they're only brushes!

Oh, my‐‐ No, they're not!

My father gave those to me!

(giggling)

‐Leslie? ‐Yes?

Oh! Oh, is it mine?

Oh, Henry!

That's the fish you caught last week.

Your very first.

And you had it stuffed just for me.

That's not all.

As a little token of my admiration...

I sent to, uh, Tokyo for this.

Oh, Henry!

Oh, it's not?

It certainly is.

A Sato Tanaka double‐cammed reel

with jeweled escarpment.

(gasping)

Well, I can hardly wait to show the girls.

‐Open it. ‐Oh, yes!

‐Henry? ‐It's gone!

I've got post‐op duty, Captain.

Not for 26 minutes, you don't.

I'll check my alarm watch.

Hmm. Must have left it in the tent.

Well, we'll make our own clock.

First you put the big hand here,

and then the little hand there.

You're running a little fast.

(groans)

‐Hey. ‐What a day.

I sawed up enough people to make a crazy quilt.

Have you seen my watch?

It's Tuesday. It's 1951. What more do you have to know?

Well, I'd like to find my watch.

Ho‐Jon, the elixir of life!

Drinks for me and my men, and water for our horses.

Oh, where is it? There it is.

Oh.

(groaning)

Ah, the symphony begins.

(liquid pouring)

The sultry saxophone splashes of melody.

A subtle drumbrush for counterpoint.

The plucking of cool harp strings.

And now...

The silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick.

And now, the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick.

‐Ho‐Jon? ‐"Stizzle swick" not here.

Who stole my "stizzle swick"?

(chattering)

If everybody'll keep it down,

we're trying to talk!

‐Radar? ‐Ten‐hut!

Call everyone to attention. At ease, men.

Uh, everyone, uh, be seated.

I assume you all read my notice concerning

our recent crime wave.

I would have read it, but the notice was stolen.

I'm talking about the rash of thefts

that have plagued our camp.

‐Our plague has a rash. ‐That's the worst kind.

As it stated, uh, in the interest of morale

and unity, the, uh‐‐

‐Pass the salt? ‐Yes, of course.

The, uh, guilty party need only return

the stolen articles by 1900 hours,

uh, tonight.

(chattering)

Well, it is, uh, now 1900 hours minus 30 seconds.

The lights will, uh, now be turned off.

‐Thank you, Radar. ‐(groaning)

And the aforementioned guilty party

may now return the things.

(woman shrieks)

WOMAN: Trapper, stop that!

TRAPPER: Stop what? I'm over here!

(man exclaims)

WOMAN 2: Oh, I'm sorry, Father!

MULCAHY: Oh, that's all right, my child.

You couldn't have known. Thank you.

HAWKEYE: You little devil.

HOULIHAN: What are you talking about?

HAWKEYE: Frank, you little devil!

FRANK: Oh, you're disgusting.

Radar, is it 1900 hours?

RADAR: I can't see the clock.

‐Then turn on the... ‐Hey, my bag is gone!

‐Mine, too! ‐Wait!

All right, now. Who took my spoon?

Somebody took my spoon!

♪♪♪

HENRY: I'm, uh, sorry to say this, folks,

but, uh, you have left me no alternative

but to conduct a tent‐by‐tent search,

which will start immediately

and continue until I unearth the guilty party

or parties, as the, uh, case or, uh, cases may be.

No one will be excluded from this grueling search.

I'm including myself, right down to my right hand,

Corporal O'Reilly.

Naturally, I regret any and all embarrassment

this may cause to whomsoever it does.

But, uh, you, that is to say,

the guilty one of you,

have left me no other way

but to leave no stones

or even shower unturned, uh, on.

♪♪♪

At ease, men.

‐McIntyre? ‐Yeah?

‐What's in here? ‐Soot, sir.

‐Soot? ‐Yep.

I'll be the judge of that.

‐Pierce? ‐Yes?

Whose is this?

I'll give you three guesses.

Open it.

Open it!

Oh, Henry, don't be ridiculous.

Well, if you want my opinion, this whole...

This whole thing is not only a complete...

(laughing hysterically)

a complete waste of time, it's also an insult

to the intelligence of everybody...

♪♪♪

Why don't we have a drink?

Henry, this is crazy.Actually, it's past crazy.

It's taken a left turn into ludicrous!

Look, if you will just tell me what the joke is,

then we can let things get back to abnormal around here.

Joke? You‐‐

I don't have that bizarre a sense of humor!

Oh, now weren't you the one who sent General Barker

the brownies with the laxative filling?

The court‐martial forms, Colonel.

Court‐martial? Wait a minute.

What is this?

You trying to beat the four‐minute frame?

Speaking of which,

this goes right back around my mother.

That is Exhibit A, Frank.

And you go into the stockade.

Yes siree, Bob! Right into the clink!

You tell him, Frank.

You know, I've never hit a woman.

You put one hand on her...

I was thinking of you, Frank.

Okay, let's knock it off.

Let me know when you all come to your senses,

then we can find out who really took this stuff.

I'm going to my tent.

Knock three times and stay out.

Pierce?

If you would just sign right here, Colonel.

Oh, come on, Major.

He was caught with the goods.

At least that's the way General Barker understands it.

‐You called‐‐ ‐I called General Barker.

Excuse me, I'll get my pen.

‐Where is my pen? ‐Pierce!

He's done it again!

‐Oh, for‐‐ ‐Here's your pen, sir.

‐You left it on my desk. ‐Oh, thank you.

Now you see what happens when you jump to conclusions?

I say he should be kept under constant surveillance.

That's ridiculous.

Why don't we get the general's opinion on that?

♪♪♪

(whistling)

(stops whistling)

Hiya, Radar. What's up?

Nothing much. What's‐‐ What are you up to?

I'm just laying around.

That's the way I feel, too.

You mind if I just lay around with you?

Not if you use another bunk.

(whistling)

(continues whistling)

Why are you staring at me?

I'm not staring at you.

I'm just looking in your direction, that's all.

Well, that's a very fine distinction.

Hi.

How's it going? Any wealthy patients check in?

What are you doing there, Radar?

Staring at me. It's a new hobby.

(murmuring)

‐Scalpel. ‐Scalpel.

One scalpel.

(doctors chattering)

And now a special dedication

to Captain Hawkeye Pierce.

"Someone To Watch Over Me."

♪♪♪ (big band music playing)

Looking for me, Hawkeye?

Uh, not really.

Have a seat, my son.

May I‐‐ May I help you?

I've been hoping you'd stop by.

I mean, don't be deceived by these trappings.

Underneath them, I'm just an ordinary man

who is as prone to temptation as you are.

Would you like to talk about it, Father?

You're overwrought.

It's quite normal

considering the burden you must be carrying.

Hmm.

In other words, you think I did it, too.

Well, I only know that, given our circumstances,

the best of us can behave in erratic

and irresponsible ways.

As with everything else, it's all in here.

The dictionary?

I did have a Bible here.

Thanks anyway, Father.

Hawkeye?

Attention, tonight's movie is "Les Misérablah‐‐ ables,"

the riveting tale of a man who steals

and is relentlessly pursued.

Sort of like somebody we all know.

Barbara, just the warm body I wanted to see.

‐Oops, the other one. ‐Let's go down to the river

and practice mouth‐to‐mouth resuscitation.

I don't think so.

Lieutenant, I've always admired your analytical mind.

You're one of the people who can see things clearly

without emotion or prejudice. Let me ask you‐‐

I think you did it.

Let me rephrase the question.

How would you assess my general character?

You're cynical and selfish.

When you're not in the operating room,

all you ever think about is your own pleasure.

Don't sugar‐coat it. Give it to me straight.

I'm very disappointed in you, Hawkeye.

Not surprised, but disappointed.

Come on, Radar. Let's call it a night.

♪♪♪

It's the end of the trail for you tomorrow, Radar,

'cause I'm putting an end to all this foolishness.

I know how to find out who's behind all this,

and then it's everybody off my back!

Getting so a man can't talk to his own shrub around here.

Aw, come on, Henry. Now what do ya got to lose?

Listen, if we can catch the person that did this,

you're liable to get a promotion.

‐Aww, c‐‐ ‐Or better yet, a transfer.

A transfer? Well, what do I have to do?

This is just between the two of us.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, now, listen carefully!

Tomorrow morning, the supply chopper

is coming in here with the necessary equipment

for me to lift the fingerprints

off the stolen articles!

HENRY: Uh‐huh.

HAWKEYE: Give me those articles

for one hour and we'll have our thief!

Pierce, that stuff is safely locked in my desk.

What?

That stuff is safely locked in my desk,

and that's where it's gonna stay.

Okay, Henry. If that's the way you want it.

‐That's the way I want it. ‐And thanks.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Why me? Why me?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Attention, the following personnel

report immediately to the mess tent.

Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake,

Lieutenant Leslie Scorch,

Trapper John McIntyre, Major Frank Burns,

Major Margaret Houlihan,

Captain Spearchucker Jones,

Lieutenant Barbara Bannerman,

Corporal Radar O'Reilly.

What is it? An air raid?

I don't know. Who knows.

What is the meaning of this?

Who called this meeting?

Now, look, I am the commanding officer

and I'm the only one authorized to call meetings.

Good evening.

Thank you all for coming.

I trust you'll forgive me for disturbing you

at this late hour, but the time has come

to unmask the guilty party,

the perpetrator of this bad practical joke.

We know who the guilty party is.

Why do you let‐‐

Contain yourself, Dr. Burns.

Remember the old adage‐‐

"Methinks he doth protest too much."

Who does he think he is?

"The Thin Man"?

You dislike me enough to wish me transferred

to another base.

Preferably an enemy base.

But let us not forget Major Houlihan.

Tough, ambitious, yet greasy, Major Houlihan.

Why think of one culprit?

Why not a pair of sweethearts in crime?

‐You are sick. ‐Still...

Another colleague resents me because of his

consistent losses at the gaming tables.

The man's a fruitcake!

Yet you, Lieutenant, also had a motive of jealousy,

because I share my affections among the ladies.

You told me I was the only one that‐‐

Ha! Of course, my legendary prowess with the fairer sex

was cause for envy on the part of...

‐Dr. McIntyre. ‐Legendary?

I've seen you strike out in a geisha house.

Still we must remember that the thefts were committed

in several places,

indicating that the thief had access

to the various tents,

and was perhaps short enough to go unnoticed.

There is only one man here short enough

to bathe in his own helmet.

Right, Radar?

Me? I'm not short.

Let us not overlook the possibility

of a mastermind who commands others

to do his bidding, right, Henry?

Uh, sign what, Radar?

I'm sorry, Pierce. I think it's going very well.

A most perplexing riddle,

calling for the most ingenious of solutions.

Thus I made it publicly known that there were fingerprints

to be found on the stolen articles,

thereby tempting the criminal to repeat his crime

and retrieve his ill‐gotten booty,

or his "ill‐booten gotty."

Which he has done.

However, in so doing, he has exposed himself.

Because I took the precaution of treating

the stolen articles with hydrochloric‐alpha‐terracin.

What's hydrochloric‐alpha‐terracin?

A chemical which is at this moment...

coloring the culprit's fingernails...

blue.

Look, no blue.

Yeah, I know. There couldn't be.

I was bluffing.

Why, Ho‐Jon?

What did you need those things for?

For money.

To bring my mother and sister from our village up north.

To bribe the border guards.

I‐I didn't think anyone would miss their bits and pieces.

You're all so rich.

And your footlocker was the safest place to hide things.

Why didn't you just come and ask us?

‐Yeah. ‐Well, I didn't think

you'd give me bribe money.

Bribery is dishonest.

Look, Ho‐Jon, if it'll help at all,

you can just keep the fishing reel.

I've got other brushes.

Oh, no. You're all too good.

‐I can't take your things. ‐You took them before.

Okay.

We really had to twist his arm.

Okay, now, that's settled.

Now do you have enough to stuff to bring

your mother and sister here?

Oh, yes, because I have money, too.

Yeah, well how much money can you have?

300 and almost ten dollars.

Isn't that fantastic?

This kid only makes a couple of bucks a week,

but he's been putting aside his nickels and pennies...

and stealing my poker winnings.

Oh, so I could bring my other sister,

and my baby brother...

Forget it, Hawkeye. There's too many.

Bring 'em all. That's fine.

‐Come on. ‐I'll make you a martini.

‐Let's make that... ‐I'm not short.

Well, I'm not. Well, I'm not short.

My mother was a little short.

That's fascinating.

Oh, it is. It is.

Oh, yes, yes, very definitely.

You see, it was after he returned to the garden

that he discovered that three of his apostles

were missing.

Well, don't look at me. I didn't take 'em.

♪♪♪ (theme)