Original subtitles

♪♪♪ (theme)

MAN ON P. A.: Attention! Attention!

Casualties arriving on the pad.

We've got another delivery from the Cowboy.

Hawkeye!

‐Hawkeye! ‐I'm gonna count to one,

and then you better be outta here.

Sir, I hate to wake you.

How would you like me to take out your tonsils through your ear?

You're needed in surgery.

That figures.

Ten minutes' sleep a week oughta be enough for anybody.

I'd give anything to be able to see

the inside of my eyelids.

Cowboy just got back from another run.

Doesn't that guy ever sleep?

He will now. He's been hit in the shoulder.

‐Get us some coffee. ‐Anything else?

Yeah, two blondes, sunny‐side up.

Not the Cowboy again?

Same guy, different shoulder.

I'm thinking of putting in zippers.

He gonna be all right?

Unless somebody shoots him in here.

What do you think, Father? Should I sign it?

Uh, this the one Cowboy brought in?

Yeah, he lost a lot of blood.

‐Goldstein. ‐Think he'd mind?

(praying in Hebrew)

Funny, he doesn't look it.

Whatever you say, Father.

Oh, I see the mark of the mad butcher.

‐How do they feel? ‐They hurt like hell.

Well, then, I'll just cancel your tango lessons.

Serious, doc. What do you think of my legs?

Well, I'm a fanny man, myself,

but I'm sure you'll be walking around in two weeks.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, yeah, we do quality work here.

Well, Cowboy, the Indians struck again.

Shoot, I've been hurt worse rollin' a cigarette.

When do I get outta here?

A few days. Can I get you anything?

Would you check on the mail? I've been expecting a letter.

I think The Pony Express has been through, already.

‐Something wrong? ‐Could be.

But it ain't nothin' I can fix from here.

Say, is this thing bad enough I can get sent home?

Even for a little while?

I'll see what I can do, huh?

Come on, Frank! Out of the way!

You're not going anywhere in that, McIntyre.

This jeep is the property

of the United States Army in general

and Colonel Blake in particular, and as such

is to be used for the official duties thereof and nothing else.

Frank, you're sucking around to become a hit and run case.

‐Move! ‐Over my dead body.

Great idea!

‐I dare you. ‐Now listen, Frank.

Yeah?

I have just completed three straight days

of surgery without rest.

And this nurse and I are going out to do some nature study.

So if you don't want to become hood ornament, you better move!

What's going on here? What is all the gaff?

Colonel Blake, this man is about to pilfer your jeep!

‐Is that right, McIntyre? ‐No, sir.

I was not pilfering. I was stealing.

Listen, haven't I got enough problems without your‐‐

‐Sir? ‐Not now, Radar.

Now I assume that you have a good reason for wanting the jeep.

He has not.

‐I'm talking to him. ‐Sir?

No. McIntyre‐‐ Look, Henry.

It's my curve ball. It's hanging.

Won't come in over the plate.

This here's my pitching coach.

She may not look it, but she's already straightened out my screwball.

She's got great stuff.

‐Nurse, out. Dis‐enjeep. ‐Hold it!

And you, Captain, you'll have to find some other means of transportation.

I am not running a personal taxi service here.

Ha ha.

‐Knock it off, Burns. ‐Sir?

Police that butt, soldier.

Sir, you wanted to sign this?

I don't want to sign anything.

You sign it.

Sir, would you sign that I signed?

I'll sign that.

Comfy?

Hey, you got a minute, Henry?

Oh, yeah, I got a lot of minutes,

and each one's worse than the one before.

Ah‐ah‐ah. Don't get up.

Let me just pretend that you're in charge of this nut house.

I got a problem.

Who is she?

Cowboy's X‐ray.

We cleaned a mess of shrapnel out of his right shoulder.

I think we should give him a ticket stateside.

It doesn't look all that serious.

Yeah, but I think he's got something at home that is.

Well, who doesn't?

I mean, I left a going practice and a wife

with a fistful of credit cards.

Excuse me.

Come on, Henry, show me there's a heart

under that dirty T‐shirt.

Not this time, Pierce.

He's gonna be very unhappy.

Well, you know, I don't remember the draft board

promising any of us a lot of laughs.

Then your final word is "no"?

Either that or "good‐bye".

It's multiple choice.

What are you doing here?

Catching up on my sulking.

I thought you had a date with a nurse.

Two, one this afternoon, one tonight.

The season's first double‐header.

So what happened?

Game called on account of Henry.

He took away my wheels. Taste that.

He just turned me down in letting Cowboy go home.

I think he's going sour on us.

Maybe he needs some relaxation.

This place is eating away his brain,

which I grant you is only an hors d'oeuvre.

Okay, uh, Henry, you may have the honor.

Uh, which way is the course?

Uh, out there.

Trapper and I laid this out ourselves.

This is the first hole.

And you see that, uh, flag out there?

Unh‐uh.

At about three o'clock.

(whistling)

Pretty far away, isn't it?

It's a par 29.

The minefields are out of bounds on the left,

and the Chinese Communists

are out of bounds on the right.

Why don't you hit first?

You're the boss.

(clears throat)

Nice ball.

‐Ball's okay, yeah. ‐Yeah.

Your swing's a little strange,

but the ball looked good.

Oh, me.

Terrific!

Very nice, Henry. Very good.

Well, what do you think I ought to use from here?

I think you oughta use all you got.

Oh, yeah? How far is it?

From this bush, about a half a mile.

Uh, Ho‐Jon, give me the two wood, please.

You know, Pierce, this is really a great idea.

Well, that's the only kind we got.

I'm, um, really starting to unwind.

That's great. I'm glad.

(gunshot)

What the hell was that?

I don't know, but you'll have to take a stroke.

But I can't even find my ball!

Then that's two strokes.

I don't see anything.

Maybe it was a sniper.

Coming from the camp?

Maybe a ricochet. Shall we continue?

No, no. I'll concede the hole,

And the game. And maybe the whole day.

Oh, let's not quit, Henry.

We're out here for your nerves.

We can leave. I got 'em.

(engine starting)

Colonel!

(murmuring)

Colonel.

‐What happened? ‐MAN: Come on, move over.

Jeep. Through my tent.

What'd he say?

Jeep. Tent. Through.

A jeep must've rolled loose and broke through his tent.

Why, he might've been killed!

‐(nervous chuckling) ‐Oh, come on, sir.

I'll fix you up. Come on, sir.

Jeep. Tent.

Crash. Kill.

Jeep. Crash. Kill. Yes, sir.

‐Jeep. ‐Jeep?

‐Tent. ‐Tent.

‐Through. Kill. ‐Through. Kill. Yes, sir.

‐Jeep. Crash. ‐Jeep. Crash.

‐Tent. ‐Tent.

‐Boom. Crash. Kill. ‐Boom. Yes, sir.

Okay, Trapper.

Don't think I don't know what you think I don't know.

Would you translate that, please?

You wouldn't be the first man in the army

who tried to kill his commanding officer.

Steady, Henry. Your glue is melting.

Just because I wouldn't let you use my jeep.

Wait a minute, Henry. Trapper may be insane,

but he's not crazy.

Oh, yeah?

Where were you this afternoon, McIntyre?

Over at the supply tent

doing a 100‐yard dash with a nurse!

And what about tonight?

Where were you tonight when that jeep

went through my quarters?

When the what went through your where?

‐He was right here. ‐Oh, yeah?

And just where is here?

Here is where we are.

Oh, this "here" here?

Henry. Henry! Are you all right?

All right. Tent smashed.

Okay, look, you can sleep here tonight then.

‐Jeep. Tent. ‐Yeah, yeah.

‐Boom! ‐Okay, just‐‐

Come over here and lie down.

‐Crash. ‐Henry, Henry! Wait a minute.

Henry!

Does Henry have an enemy?

Doesn't sound like the work of a friend.

I think we better keep an eye on him.

Now?

I don't think he's got a later. Come on.

Why don't you go check in the office?

Right.

(explosion)

I found him.

Boom.

Radar?

Radar?

(phone ringing)

‐Hello? ‐RADAR: It's me, Colonel.

‐Who? ‐Radar. Radar, sir.

Where are you?

Here, sir. In your outer office.

Well, what‐‐ What are you‐‐

What are you doing out there?

No offense, sir, but I've got this thing about living.

Did you fill out the fitness reports?

‐Yes, sir. ‐Well, bring them in so I can sign them.

Yes, sir. Good‐bye, sir.

‐(line clicks) ‐Good‐‐ Good‐bye.

(fishing reel whirring)

(phone ringing)

Yeah?

Will that be all, sir?

Woodward. ‐Nurse Baker. ‐Thank you.

‐Pierce? ‐For me?

Mulcahy.

‐Goldstein. ‐MAN: Here!

And Sullivan.

Don't worry. It'll get here.

One week, she ain't written.

You're welcome to mine.

It's an invitation to a great party last month.

She's probably off with some rodeo rider.

She's a sucker for a ten‐gallon hat.

If I could just get home.

You ever see any snakes, Hawkeye?

Not while I'm sober.

I could shoot the eyes out of a rattler

at 50 feet going at a full gallop.

Of course, the army has its own kind of snakes, don't it?

That's far enough, sir.

You ready for dinner?

Fix those chops for me?

Stuffed them specially.

Here you go, sir.

Hiya, Hen.

Aren't you guys afraid of sitting with me?

Nah, we figure you're safe in daylight.

That's very encouraging.

Are you sure that food's all right?

Huh? Well, I mean, you don't think somebody...

Let me taste it for ya, huh?

‐We're worried about you. ‐Welcome to the club.

Do you realize if anything happens to you, Frank Burns takes over?

Boy, your unselfishness is touching.

Listen, we figure the best thing for you to do

‐is clear out for a while. ‐Walk away from my post?

No, run away from your post.

You're taking a big chance hanging around here.

You're driving morale right into the ground.

Well, there are a few things I could do down in Seoul.

Okay, you pack up your gear

and I'll get somebody to drive you.

Here you are, Henry. Nothing wrong with it.

HENRY: Now, you'll find a set of master keys.

‐See 'em? ‐BURNS: Mm‐hmm.

Radar has duplicates in the company safe.

Oh, don't worry about a thing, sir.

I'll have this place back into shape in no time.

Who says this place is out of shape?

Now don't drive everybody nuts, Frank.

No snap inspections, you understand? And no parades.

Well, that's not a very military attitude.

Listen, Frank, the only thing G.I. about me is my athlete's foot.

You just keep this hospital running.

Yes, sir.

Now, uh...

over here is the, uh, duty roster.

‐See 'em? ‐Mm‐hmm.

And, uh, in here...

are your transmitter codes.

‐See 'em? ‐Mm‐hmm.

This‐‐ Well, this bottom drawer's

filled with personal stuff.

And there's no sense in opening that.

Now, it'll just be a few days.

I'm sure everything will be fine.

‐I'm sure it will. ‐Uh‐huh.

Well, it's all yours.

♪♪♪

Hey, where is Hawkeye?

I feel like a sitting duck out there.

He's trying to get you a driver.

Not too many kamikaze types around here.

Word's out you're taking off, Colonel.

Just a few days down to Seoul.

Well, that jeep will take you half a day.

I could fly you down there in no time.

You strong enough to fly?

I thought we'd do it by chopper.

Hey, that's great. Great!

Well, let's go.

Hey, Trapper, would you believe me

if I said I was gonna miss you?

No.

Smart fella.

Thanks for your help.

Have fun, Henry.

I smelled the gunpowder. It's pretty hard not to.

Then I found the wiring and the alarm clock bits.

Oh, Cowboy's in the booby‐trap business.

We better find him. And Henry.

I'm afraid I know where they are.

You comfy, Colonel?

Most comfortable I've been in days.

Good. Real good.

You just sit back and relax.

Say, uh, shouldn't I have a parachute, too?

You don't need one, sir.

It'll only break your fall.

That's not funny.

Neither was you not letting me go home!

‐Hawkeye! ‐Not now, Radar.

‐Okay, it's cooking. ‐Okay, start sending.

‐Sir! ‐Would you get lost? This is no time for‐‐

You told me to keep an eye open for this.

It's a letter for the Cowboy.

If you were any taller, I'd kiss you on the lips.

Purple Rider. Purple Rider.

Come in, Purple Rider. Can you read me?

You're gonna get us both killed, Cowboy!

This is crazy!

Purple Rider, over!

Come on, Cowboy! I know you can hear me!

We can hear you! Talk to them!

I will, as soon as you're gone!

Cowboy, you've gotten a letter from home.

Nice try, Trapper!

We're not jiving you, Cowboy.

And what's the name on the letter?

Mrs. Jean Hodges.

Jean, isn't that your wife's name? Jean?

Right. What's the address?

Box 743... Reno!

Good‐bye, Henry.

I can't hear you!

It, uh‐‐ it might say Reno,

but we really can't tell.

Reno! That's right! That's where I live!

What a lovely town.

Cowboy, how is, uh, Colonel Blake?

Henry, are you all right?

I'm in real trouble!

Come on! Open it up! Let's hear it!

"Dear... John."

Go on, that's my real name.

"Dear John" from Reno.

"Sometimes when you're away

from someone you thought you loved...

you find yourself tested by being tempted.

That's what has happened to me,

dear, dear John."

Oh, wow! A double "Dear John" job.

"I was tempted, and I didn't want to write

until I knew whether I'd passed the test.

If I say I love you more than ever,

will it tell you how I did,

and that I'm completely worthy

of the most wonderful guy in the world?"

Cowboy?

Let's go home, Cowboy. Let's go home.

♪♪♪

‐Hi, guys. ‐TRAPPER: Hi, Henry. Just in time for the cocktail hour.

‐Pull up an olive. ‐Good, good.

Uh, from the Cowboy‐‐ Base hospital in Lakeland.

It was a classic combination of combat fatigue and worry.

He'll be okay. His wife's joined him

and he's going home for a month's leave.

I do like a happy ending.

Tell us the truth, Henry.

Were you scared up there with the Cowboy?

Me? Are you kidding?

‐I know how to take care of myself. ‐(engine sputtering)

Just asking, Henry. Just asking.

(engine backfires)

(Hawkeye laughing)

♪♪♪ (theme)