Original subtitles

♪♪♪ (theme)

♪♪♪

Hey, is it possible to sue your feet for divorce?

With your luck, you'd get custody of the arches.

Mine are killin' me.

Sure wish they'd let us operate sittin' down.

They might if we could talk the patients

into standing up.

Fix you a martini?

Haven't you anything better to do when you're off duty

than to lie around and swill gin?

Swill gin?

Sir, I have sipped, lapped, and taken gin intravenously,

but I have never swilled!

Actually, I'm pursuing my lifelong quest

for the perfect, the absolutely driest martini

to be found in this or any other world.

(relieved sigh)

And I think I may have hit upon the perfect formula.

Five to one?

Not quite.

You pour six jiggers of gin

and you drink it while staring at a picture

of Lorenzo Schwartz, the inventor of vermouth.

Twaddle.

Watch your language, Frank,

or I'll wash your mouth out with soap.

By the way, did you know "soap" was a four‐letter word?

Hey, Frank, are we disturbing you?

'Cause if we are, I can arrange

to get shipped back to the States.

You're not disturbing me. I'm putting my time

to good, constructive use.

Ah.

What are you doing?

And that question itself shows how bored I am.

Writing my patients back home.

I keep in touch with each and every one of them.

That's a pretty big job, isn't it?

Oh, not really.

I send them a form letter.

"What's up front, Doc?"

A small joke.

Almost stillborn.

"Well, the fighting here goes on,

"but I must go along with MacArthur

"and agree that the beginning of the end

"is in sight."

That's pretty stylish, Frank.

I wrote on the school paper.

I wrote on the walls.

I don't know whether to go on reading this

or wait for the movie to come out.

What do you mean?

Well, you're quite a guy in here, Frank.

I mean your exploits make Superman seem like a fairy.

Everything in there is true!

Yeah, but it's such a commercial for yourself.

I was building up a pretty good practice when I got called up.

And I'll be darned if I let those people

forget me while I'm over here.

Well, maybe you could bring the plague back home, Frank,

just to get things started again.

Or you could introduce jungle rot to Indiana.

You're both jealous.

I was in practice only three years,

and I already had a $35,000 house and two cars.

Choppers!

‐How many? ‐Too many.

We just got through with two days of casualties.

Speak to the enemy, sir.

Radar: Choppers!

(muted clatter)

‐Pull that back. ‐Yes, sir.

Come on, let's go, baby,

or this boy's kidney's never gonna dance again.

‐Yes, sir. ‐Can I help?

Yeah, help her retract, will ya?

Hey Hawkeye, this guy's got a belly full of shrapnel.

Give me a hand with the resection.

Okay, okay, hang on. I'll be right there.

I can give you a a hand in a minute, McIntyre.

Never mind. I'll wait.

Why do you keep handing me the wrong instruments?

Because you keep asking for the wrong instruments.

Will you shut up, Pierce?!

How'd you like a spleen across the mouth?

Gentlemen! You're doctors. Remember?

Yeah, I've seen better surgeons operating on trees.

How many we got waitin' out there?

Couple of dozen, at least.

I've got a bad pancreatic injury here.

Anything outside the skull like, I'm dead.

‐Resect it. ‐Thanks, Hawkeye.

The book says drain it! Always!

If you were a proctologist,

I'd tell you what to do with that book.

You're a year behind on your journals.

Hawkeye: Here, clean that up while I'm gone.

Let's go! Let's go! We got people double‐parked!

I can't find anything.

You left it in your tent, sir.

‐My fishing catalog? ‐Your fishing catalog. Yes, sir.

Where do I sign?

Sir, I'd read that very carefully.

It's from Major Burns. He's right outside in the hall.

‐Well, tell him I'm not in. ‐Yes, sir.

Sir?

Frank Burns has to be the biggest horse's patoot

‐on this post. ‐You think so?

(Radar humming)

Frank...

Dismissed.

‐You heard him, sir. ‐He's talkin' to you!

You seriously wanna press these charges, Frank?

You bet I do.

"Insubordination.

"Failure to salute a superior officer."

I'm a major. Pierce is a captain.

He's never saluted me once.

Frank, the nearest thing to a salute on this post

is the camp mutt scratching the fleas

behind his ears.

"Lack of military courtesy.

"Captain Pierce constantly calls me by my first name."

Not allowed, Henry. Page 85, The Army Officer's Guide.

You honestly want him to call you "Major"?

I have got oak leaves on my shoulders.

And I've got dimples on my butt!

But none of that means anything around here, Frank.

Shall we get on with the charges?

You insist on pressing them?

Mm‐hmm.

‐Radar! ‐Yes, sir.

I sent for Captain Pierce. I thought you'd want to see him.

I want you to get Captain Pierce and tell him I want to see him.

‐Right this way, sir. ‐Well, show him in.

Whatever it is, Henry, it better be good.

He's out of uniform, as usual.

I've tried sleeping in my uniform, Frank,

but my medals keep stabbing me.

Burns says the operating room is becoming impossible.

He's right. I agree.

All that blood and everything,

and those sick people? It's terrible.

You know what I'm talking about.

You're trying to take over.

You answer every question, call every shot.

Well, you do it. I don't care.

Well, they don't ask me the questions!

Gee, I can't understand that.

You've got a $35,000 car and two houses.

Oh, no, that's a $35,000 house and two cars.

Uh‐huh.

You were still working in a hospital

when they called you up.

I realize it's ridiculous for a doctor

to work in a hospital. It really screws up your golf.

Burns does outrank you, Pierce.

Yeah, it took the UN to do it.

‐Listen, Pierce, you‐‐ ‐Knock it off!

Now this can't continue.

Why don't you sell me to the Red Sox?

I'd love to.

But what I obviously have to do

‐is appoint a chief surgeon. ‐Now you're talking.

He'll be in charge of all surgical situations.

In addition to his own work, he'll assist each shift,

to help out with the really tough cases.

The job'll be a killer.

I can adjust.

I hope you can. I'm giving it to Pierce.

Oh, thanks.

What? You can't!

I won't stand for it!

Frank, the one thing that'll get you nowhere with me

is impersonating my wife.

Well, what about rank?

Can I help it if I'm not as rank as you?

This is unheard of!

Face it. Pierce is the best cutter in the outfit.

He's certified in chest and general surgery.

Frank, in case you haven't read the papers,

there's a war on.

We're here to patch guys together.

We can't be so GI we lose patients.

Are you implying that he's a better doctor?

Yes, when the heat's on.

Well, if you want heat...

I'll give you plenty of heat!

Frank...

"Failure to salute a superior officer."

Hey, you may just turn out to be

one of the good guys yet, Henry.

Hawkeye... don't let me down.

Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?

‐Margaret, I, uh... ‐Frank!

I... Oh, I was just, uh,

fixing this cut I have on my head.

Margaret, something just awful's happened.

Take a deep breath, Frank.

(breathes)

Now tell me.

Margaret, something just awful's happened.

‐And? ‐Colonel Blake's appointed Pierce chief surgeon over me.

He can't! It's against regulations!

‐Doesn't he know that? ‐He did...

and it is, and he does!

Ohh, my poor baby.

Frank, it's not unmanly to cry.

Heh. I would not give them the satisfaction.

That's my strong fella.

(crying) Margaret...

Attention, attention, all personnel.

Barring the arrival of new casualties,

at 2100 hours tonight

there will be a special ceremony in the mess hall

to crown the 4077th's new chief surgeon.

That means tonight's movie is moved to tomorrow.

It's the latest War Department film

on the dangers of VD.

Be sure to see it with someone you love.

♪♪♪ (pop ballad playing)

(party chatter)

Put on the record.

(record scratches)

Quiet, please, everybody!

(clears throat)

This is the moment you've all been waiting for.

Ladies and gentlemen,

and, uh, anything in between...

(laughter)

it gives me great pleasure to present

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce,

our new chief surgeon!

(fanfare playing, cheers and applause)

Thank you, Thank you.

You may all kiss my ring.

(laughter)

(distant party chatter)

They're gonna get theirs, boy.

Yeah, type, Frank. Type.

‐Speech! Speech! ‐Yeah.

Speech!

‐Some men are born to greatness. ‐Hmm.

Others have it thrust upon them.

And then there are those of us who got it both ways.

‐Hey, hey! ‐(audience laughter)

Keep those crowds back behind the toilet paper.

(laughter)

"Dear General Barker,

"I think I should call to your attention..."

Da‐da‐da‐dum...

"My qualifications as a doctor..."

Thirty‐five thousand dollars?

‐Hmm? ‐Hmm, type.

Type.

Margaret, when you touch me like that,

‐I... ‐Type, type...

I guess you could say that medicine

has been my life.

I always wanted to be a doctor.

Just ask any little girl I grew up with.

(laughter)

(moaning)

Frank...

Call me "Tiger".

Frank...

Your oak leaves are killing me.

Aww...

Now how will I be able to write the general?

Come on.

Hawkeye: But let‐let me say this.

Honestly, when you live in a cruddy situation

like this long enough,

you get to love a few people...

and even hate a few.

I guess, outside of our families,

we'll never be closer to anybody

than we are to each other.

You finished?

What did I get on the humble meter?

(crowd groaning)

One more thing.

Then we gotta get back on duty.

I'll buy that.

I assure you that it's imperative, sir,

or I wouldn't have called.

Trapper: The trappings of your office, sire.

(cheering)

Your orb.

But, sir, I‐‐ But, sir...

General Barker?

Margaret Houlihan.

Yes.

I think you ought to get up here at once, sir.

For the good of your command.

(cheering, applause)

Your scepter!

(cheering, applause)

♪♪♪

Yes, sir.

I think you ought to take a good look

at your new chief surgeon.

♪♪♪ Major Houlihan, Burns.

We're so glad you're here, sir.

So glad.

The situation better be as bad as you indicated, Burns.

Well, I'm happy to say it's worse, sir.

There's a badly wounded patient who's been waiting

to be operated on since 1:30, sir.

He's just lying there, waiting.

It's two o'clock now.

2:03.

All right, I'll get right into this.

I may want to see you later, Major,

for, um, your own personal slant on all this.

Yes, sir.

Now then, just where, may I ask,

is Chief Surgeon Pierce,

with a patient waiting in surgery?

Well, sir...

you wouldn't believe this...

I don't like this at all.

No, sir.

‐You took three? ‐Right.

‐And you, Kaplan? ‐Two.

‐And you didn't take any? ‐No.

How would you like a land mine up your moustache?

Ten bucks, Hawkeye.

I'd like to win this pot

while I'm young enough to enjoy it.

Easy, fungus face.

Call.

Out.

I fold.

‐Full house. ‐Ahh!

Three of a kind, all bad.

I've seen bigger pots.

Keep away from the mirror.

What're we playing?

Threes and nines are wild.

If you want, you can buy a new card

and an open four.

Except February, which has 28.

Are we here to play or talk?

I think I'm here to lose.

Ace bets a dollar, blind.

That's a lot of respect for one ace.

As you were.

Oh, hiya, General. What are you doing?

Marching in your sleep?

Ace bet a buck. Who's in?

I call.

Captain Pierce...

I've been told you have a seriously wounded patient

for whom you are responsible.

You bet your bellybutton, Dad.

My what?

Pair of twos says five.

Out.

In.

Pierce...

You're a little late, General. I'll deal you in next hand.

That soldier requires surgery.

Right, that's why I checked him

into the hospital instead of the PX.

Well, you gonna take care of him,

or are you gonna go on playing poker?

(sighs)

General, the man came in with a chest wound.

I put a tube in him, and I'm watching him

‐very carefully. ‐You call this watching?

I get a bulletin every quarter hour from the nurse,

who is very devoted and a great kisser.

And just when do you intend to operate?

Hopefully, never. But if I have to,

I figure around 3 a. m.

By that time, he will have been given his blood,

and his pulse and his pressure should be stabilized.

And until then, you're going to do nothing?

Don't be ridiculous. Of course I'm gonna do something.

I'm gonna meet his $5 and raise two more.

You're not talking to some idiot desk jockey, Captain!

I'm a doctor myself.

Well, if you wanna operate now, be my guest.

I get the same pay whether I work or not.

Your two and two more.

Pierce...

you're in very deep trouble.

I don't think so. I can beat a pair of twos.

I fold that.

This conduct is intolerable as a chief surgeon!

I order you to begin that operation!

General, either take the case yourself

or join me at 3 o'clock.

You're making it impossible for me

to concentrate on my poker.

And if I don't win this pot,

I'll never be able to send my sister a new truss.

The last raise is mine.

You haven't heard the last of this.

I wasn't listening to the first of it.

We'll just wait until we hear what Colonel Blake

has to say about it all.

Watch out for the...

(trash clattering, General Barker shouting)

...trash can.

I hate loud generals.

Are you in or not?

Yeah.

(grunting)

Oh...

Soldier!

Yes, sir?

Which way to Colonel Blake's?

Uh, 20 feet straight ahead, sir.

Were ya born in that position?

Uh, yes, sir. Uh, no, sir. No, sir.

Dismissed.

Yes, sir.

What are you doing, Corporal?

Doing, sir?

D‐O‐I‐N‐G. What are you doing?

I'm listening to you spell "doing", sir.

Doesn't Colonel Blake mind you smoking his cigars

and drinking his brandy?

Yes, sir, very much.

Then why are you doing it?

Well, I don't mind, and I figured

as long as one of us is reasonable...

Uh, just a little joke there.

Ten‐hut!

Is your hand broken?

Get that cigar out of your hand!

Now, tell me...

Where is Colonel Blake?

Well, if he isn't in his tent, sir,

he could be anywhere.

Doesn't anybody in this outfit ever go to sleep?

Only on duty, sir.

Halt!

Friend or foe?

I am General Barker!

How do I know you're not one of them

with a clever make‐up job?

Corporal Klinger, isn't it?

Right.

Still tryin' to get out on a psycho, eh, Klinger?

Well, I can tell ya,

it'll take a lot more than this.

Then I'll just have to keep trying, Mary.

General Barker?

What, may I ask, is going on here?

Just playin', sir.

That I can see. But what?

Strip dominoes.

Nurse, is everybody around here crazy?

Everybody who's sane is, sir.

Just tell me, please...

which is Colonel Blake's tent?

Right outside, sir. Hang a right, two tents.

Thank you. Go to bed.

‐See? ‐Forget it.

Coast is clear.

Be with you as soon as I can.

Bet this looks funny.

Bet it doesn't.

Any luck, dear? Ooh!

General, I'm sorry, sir.

‐I thought it... ‐Honey, I got us some real beauties.

‐Henry! ‐General Barker!

‐W‐What are you doing... ‐Where have you been?

Digging worms. For fishing.

And leaving this place run by that maniac

you appointed chief surgeon?

I can assure you that Captain Pierce

is very capable, sir.

Oh, you think so, huh?

‐Yes, sir. ‐Come with me.

Yes, sir.

‐Leave the worms. ‐Yes, sir.

He said "Leave the worms."

This place is a madhouse, Henry.

A nut farm.

Gee whiz, that's a bit strong, sir.

Do you realize you've a man on guard duty

who's wearing a skirt?

Yeah, well, luckily he's got the legs for it.

Where's Pierce?

Over in surgery.

Come along.

As you were.

How much did you win?

About fifty bucks.

I'm sending it to my wife

for her private detective fund.

What, is she gonna have you followed out here?

No, it's for when I get back home,

starting the second night.

Ah, Pierce.

Ah, pull up a sink, General.

You still got a patient?

Well, at 1:30 when I checked him last,

our guy in there had been given

less than a pint of blood,

whereas he'd lost two or three.

His pulse was around, uh, 120,

his pressure was down to around 90.

Now, at three o'clock, he's been given

three pints of blood, his pulse is 80,

his pressure's 120,

and he's received five million units

of penicillin intravenously.

Of course, his chest is still bleeding,

but, uh, now we can operate safely and quickly.

We don't have to do it frantically and carelessly.

Let's get nice and sterile.

What's that worm doin' in there?

Okay, General, I'm gonna sandbag ya.

You think we're ready to get out of this chest yet?

‐Obviously you don't. ‐Give the man a cigar.

The general or the patient?

See, Dad, we haven't found any small holes

in the lung yet. Only large ones.

And I think he's got one in his lingula

that we won't find unless we look for it.

I've seen some bubbles I can't account for.

Gimme some‐‐ Give me some suction here.

And there it is.

I'm impressed.

So am I.

Let's oversew the lung.

Well, sir, what do you think of my chief surgeon now? Well, I'm not very good at apologies, Pierce,

but forgive a rusty old doctor, will you?

I think you're very good at apologies, General.

Sir, Major Burns is probably going to continue

to complain to you about the promotion.

Well, may I make a suggestion about Major Burns?

‐Yes, sir. ‐Give him a high colonic

and send him on a ten‐mile hike.

With full pack.

Good touch.

Well, I'll see you to your jeep, sir.

I don't expect to be back unless you got problems, Henry.

‐Real problems. ‐Problems?

At the 4077th, sir?

‐Klinger: Halt! ‐Klinger!

Who goes there?

The man's naked!

Aw, come on, Klinger.

Put on a dress or something.

At least a slip.

(indistinct whispering)

‐Longfingers. ‐Longfingers.

‐Stick a drain in there. ‐Hey, Hawk!

‐This looks like a job for Clark Kent. ‐Coming!

Put a stitch in that drain. I'll be right back. Watch it.

‐Uh, Pierce? ‐What?

Um... can you give me a hand with this resection?

‐Hey, can you hold on for a second? ‐Sure, no sweat.

I'm ready, Doctor.

We'll split the fee, right?

Right.

♪♪♪ (theme)