Original subtitles

♪♪♪ (theme)

(swing music playing) MAN ON P. A.: Attention, all personnel!

All shifts report to Operating Room.

All shifts, on the double.

Attention, all personnel.

All shifts report to Operating Room.

All shifts, on the double.

Come on, take a card.

All right, come on, make a play will ya?

Now, hold your colon, Doc. Oh, let's see.

You were, uh, saving queens and throwing spades, right?

Gin!

That's 470,000 you owe me.

Will you take a check?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me, doctors. I wasn't looking.

I'm doing enough looking for us both.

Hey, you wanna try that again?

Two out of three falls?

I, uh, don't believe we've met.

What are you doing after the war?

Hey, wait a minute!

(murmuring)

Okay, there it is.

Yeah.

Is he out?

The switch is off. Any time you're ready.

‐Right, nurse? ‐Yes, Doctor?

That's "Yes, Doctor, darling."

Yes, Doctor, darling.

Stand by with a clamp.

Ugly John, give me a reading on his pulse?

68 and steady.

Okay. Scalpel. Hey, I like that.

Very good slap in there. Good.

All right, let me have the, uh‐‐

‐Scissors. ‐Terrific.

‐Sponge. ‐Sponge.

‐Pick‐ups. ‐Pick‐ups.

‐Kiss. ‐What?

Surprise me.

Make a note of that. I want him put on report.

Disrespectful behavior.

She's a new one. I'll take care of her.

Ah, we work very well together.

Why don't we get a few casualties of our own

and we can go into business for ourselves?

So did you have to immobilize the duodenum?

Yeah, I thought there might be

a retroperitoneal perforation.

There was a large hematoma in the area.

‐Yeah. ‐Do you two wanna be alone?

Yeah, but not necessarily with each other.

‐No, really, I can move. ‐I'll say you can.

Pay no mind to my friend here.

He majored in crudeness at med school.

Med school? Listen, before I was drafted,

I was a transmission mechanic.

If you're free later this afternoon,

I'll be glad to put you up on my lift.

Nurse Cutler, report to my office!

‐CUTLER: Now? ‐Now.

Yes, sir. I mean, yes, ma'am.

Dismissed.

Well, at least she didn't have any trouble

figuring out your sex.

My sex is none of your business.

Just say the word.

You stay away from my nurses!

They're off limits to you. That's an order!

I think she's trying to tell us something.

You can forget about Nurse Cutler.

‐I'll see to that. ‐That's your basic Hot Lips.

I knew a girl like her back in my hometown.

Her name was Rover.

Well, look, pal, I don't know about you,

but twelve straight hours of surgery has me whipped.

I'm gonna sack out for a few weeks.

My very thought.

I'm so tired, my eyes keep slamming shut.

I'm going to check on some X‐rays first,

then I'll see you back at the swamp?

Gotcha.

♪♪♪

For me?

Only if you'll put those on.

That was a pretty short nap, wasn't it?

I thought you were going to bed for a week.

I was, but I didn't say where, did I?

What about you?

This is strictly business. I'm making a house call.

It must be obvious

even to a moral defective like yourself

that we're both zeroed in on the same girl.

‐Right? ‐Right.

Only I have a solution.

Ahem. We'll share her.

One girl, two straws.

You take the day watch, and I'll take the night.

Unpacking? Let us help.

We're awfully glad you picked our unit.

We're not as large as some of the others,

‐but we are friendly. ‐Very friendly.

Actually, we never met a nurse we didn't like.

‐Doctors, I‐‐ ‐Look, why don't we give this to the bell boy,

and let us just go down to the river

and watch the submarine races?

I have a better idea.

Why don't you go down to the river

and watch us wave good‐bye to you.

I am not unpacking.

‐I'm packing. ‐All mixed up.

Doesn't know whether she's coming or going.

Darling, packing is for leaving.

To stay, you have to "un".

I've been transferred to another unit.

‐Transferred? ‐Major Houlihan says

I'm a bit of a distraction.

What a rotten thing to say!

Yeah, you're an incredible distraction.

We're not giving you up.

You're the best thing to hit this place

since dry socks.

Well, what can I do about it?

You put yourself in our hands.

Actually, these go on your legs...

would 'twere that I were they.

‐Thank you, Radar. ‐Sign these, sir.

‐What are these? ‐Papers.

‐Blank papers? ‐Yes, sir.

‐Is that a good idea? ‐It's to cut down on your workload.

You sign them now, later, you don't have to bother.

But should I have really signed blank papers?

I can't answer that, sir.

You're the one that signed them. I didn't.

‐(phone ringing) ‐Hold on, Radar.

I'm not going to sign blank pieces of paper.

4077 MASH.

I don't even know what I'm signing when they're not blank.

Oh, hi. Uh‐huh.

Papers, double‐talk. Sign this, sign that.

Pretty good. Well, it's a little rough but we're not complaining.

Could be signing it for the next four years.

Yeah, he's here. It's for you.

Blank paper! Well, who is it?

‐It's General Barker. ‐Who? General‐‐ Yes, sir!

Oh, fine, General.

A little rough, but, uh, we're not complaining.

Yes, sir. A what?

A boxing tournament?

Well, sir, the main sport in this outfit

is avoiding calisthenics.

No, sir. Yes, sir, I'll do my best.

Uh, will that be all, General?

‐Say good‐bye for me. ‐Hmm?

Say good‐bye for me?

Oh, uh, Radar says to say, uh‐‐

Uh, good‐bye, General.

I have enough to do.

Well, well, Dr. Jekyll and Dr. Jekyll.

Henry, we gotta ask you something.

‐Answer's no. ‐Don't you wanna know what it is?

Whatever it is, even if the answer's yes, it's no.

Hot Lips has transferred Lt. Margie Cutler,

one of our most dedicated and best‐built nurses.

Now, hold it right there.

Major Houlihan is in complete charge of the nursing staff,

and I can't interfere.

The young lady happens to be a sensational surgical assistant.

‐She's got two of the best... ‐I'm sure.

hands I've ever seen. Don't let her go, Henry.

Real talent in the operating room is hard to find.

I know.

If you say no, we'll tell everybody that your brother's in jail.

My brother is a warden!

We won't say that part.

Now lay off!

Haven't I got enough static with General Barker on my back?

‐What's he want? ‐Yeah, maybe we can help.

No, you can't help.

I mean, there's nothing that you could contribute

to this particular problem.

‐Ah! I detect a gleam. ‐I heard a loud click.

Yeah, one could almost see the light bulb over his head.

Come on, speak, Henry. Speak. What is it?

Yeah?

Okay.

General Barker is all hot

about this inter‐unit boxing tournament.

‐Yeah? ‐And he wants us to put up a boxer.

(laughing) Now, that's funny.

Maybe we could make one out of spare parts.

He's serious, and he's giving me a bad time about it.

Yeah, so why don't you get whoever fought last year?

I can't. She's gone.

Anyway, Barker's got this boy,

thinks he can win the championship.

‐Yeah. ‐So?

So, he's bringing him here for his first fight.

Mm‐hmm.

Now, if, uh, one of you two guys

would say, uh, go three rounds with him,

I'll see what I can do

about getting Nurse Cutler back for ya.

(laughing)

‐See ya around, Henry. ‐Yeah.

You sure?

Yeah, oh, I think we'll just find something

nice and easy to do, like shagging shells.

Ah, just a thought.

(laughter)

Some war.

(laughing)

Bye, doctors.

Thanks a lot, Hot Lips.

‐Hey, do that again. ‐What?

‐Smack your fist. ‐You mean that?

It hurts my ears. What a punch!

‐Save it. ‐Save what?

Don't hustle me, 'cause I'm not fightin' anybody.

Oh, that's a shame. I bet you're a natural.

I fought in school. As a matter of fact, I was very good.

‐There, I knew it! ‐But I'm not in shape!

Who says you're not in shape?

You got a cute body.

I've seen guys sneaking peeks at you at calisthenics.

Which guys are sneakin' peeks at me?

I'd rather not say. Some of them are married.

Look, stop snowing me.

‐You fight him. ‐I'd love to.

I was on the boxing team in college, too.

‐Oh, yeah? ‐Yeah, but I, uh,

I threw my‐‐ I threw my shoulder out.

It never came back.

Actually, I'm in pain most of the time.

I don't like to burden my friends.

Look, do we wanna get Nurse Cutler back or not?

‐Yes. ‐All right, okay.

You really got a bad shoulder?

(sighs)

The result of being spineless.

So wait a minute, I don't know about this, doc.

What do you mean?

Well I mean, he's got a manager and everything.

‐I don't have... ‐Ah, come on, Radar!

It's just a little sparring. Nobody's gonna get hurt.

No, I'm not gonna do it. Not for a lousy five bucks.

‐How about ten? ‐Pay up now?

All right, come on, now look,

this is just a practice fight.

I want you to get loose.

Just keep dancing around.

Keep your left up!

Jab, jab, jab, Trap! Jab!

He's just loosening up now.

You know, he's gotta get in shape.

Takes a while, you know, to...

get back in shape, get your old stuff back.

He's gotta get his wind back and everything.

I'll write his wife.

Don't listen to him. Just keep moving.

Keep hanging in there.

Keep your left up. Up! Up with the left.

Move, Trapper. Oh, hi, Father.

I trained a number of boys to box back home.

Any advice for Trapper?

Prayer.

I don't think he's got one.

Thanks a lot, Father.

Once again? Double or nothing?

A glass stomach?

Let's go! Kick those legs up!

Breathe deeply! Come on, move it!

I'm tired, Hawkeye. How far have I run?

‐30 feet. ‐That'll do it.

I'm going to punch him, not run him to death.

HAWKEYE: Now put more shoulder into it. Use your whole body.Try it again, try it again.

Oh, morning, Major.

Good morning, Captain.

I'm afraid I can't ask you to stay.

My boy's in training,

and he's not even supposed to look at a woman

till after the fight.

Oh. Oh, I understand.

Just a minute. Isn't that Frank's bag?

I thought you were Frank's bag.

Ugh!

How's it going?

We decided to have a victory drink now,

just in case there's no need to later.

Care to join us?

Oh, yeah.

Anything wrong?

Uh, General Barker just pulled in with his fighter.

‐Looks real big. ‐How big?

If he wanted to, he could be a platoon.

Looks kinda mean, too.

Mean?

What does "mean" mean? Mean means nothing.

It's skill that counts.

Big and mean have nothing to do with fighting ability.

A guy told me that he was crossing the road,

and this jeep came too close to him.

He punched it.

He punched a jeep?

He knocked it out.

Hawkeye, this guy knocks out jeeps!

Showboat. Come on.

I'll tell you one thing, you're not getting into the ring with that guy

until I hear him speak.

This fight has just been called on account of chicken.

We are not going to throw in the towel.

I'm ready to throw in a whole laundry truck.

This ape will never lay a glove on you.

Trust me.

You won't even have to touch him.

I'll go down during the instructions.

A little obvious.

I got a better idea. Come on.

I don't think I wanna risk my life

on a dumb trick like this.

I know what I'm doing.

I pulled this same stunt in university.

Use more. Use a lot.

I still say we should use a horseshoe.

A horseshoe is gauche. Ether is subtle.

Then let's dip the horseshoe in ether.

Right.

Now, the thing you gotta do, Trapper, is you gotta jab.

Right? Keep jabbing.

Jab, jab, jabbing. Right?

Six, seven whiffs, he'll be out cold.

‐Great. ‐Right?

And the thing to remember

is not to get it near your own hooter, right?

Don't get it near your own nose or you're dead.

Get him in a clinch, right?

That's it. That's it. Get him in a clinch.

‐And just hold it there. ‐Hold it right in his nose.

Get him in a clinch so he can't move.

‐How is the guy gonna‐‐ ‐He's gonna inhale it.

He'll never know what hit him.

Just keep it right there at his nose.

Keep him in the clinch, so he can't move.

And all he can do then is...

Way to go, champ!

HENRY: Third round, Sugar Ray breaks the man's face.

HAWKEYE: You're kidding.

He broke his nose, broke his jaw, antrums,

ethmoid, sinuses, the guy's a mess.

Gentlemen, may I join you?

Please, Frank, not while we're eating.

‐What kidders. ‐Well, what happened?

‐The guy never went down. ‐He never went down?

Ten‐hut!

BARKER: As you were.

McIntyre, I don't believe you've met Sergeant Flacker.

Easy.

Me, doctor.

Need hands...

operate.

Hey, Henry, can we rustle up some steaks

‐for the sergeant, huh? ‐Oh, yes, sir.

Good. Come on. Come on, boy.

You better hurry up, Henry.

He looked at your arm like it was an hors d'oeuvre.

Yeah, Dittsbury, you wanna go out and get Flacker a cow?

Listen, are you sure that Nurse Cutler's worth it?

I mean, I really don't want you to get hurt.

Hurt?

What would you say, Henry, if I told you

that Trapper is gonna win that fight?

All right, okay. Down, Henry, down.

I'm sorry!

But you mean Trapper beat that gorilla?

That's ether.

A little louder, Frank. The cook didn't hear you.

Well, it's not very ethical.

It's not even moral, but we're in a war zone.

Yeah, well, I‐‐ I don't wanna know about it.

I mean, I love it, but I don't wanna know about it.

(murmuring)

(cheering)

(crowd booing)

Where is it? You sure you've got it?

It's in the bucket.

I'll put it on right after the introductions.

Just make sure you use enough.

I don't want this guy wakin' up

until after I've been a civilian a few years.

Did you get it?

Nothing but pure distilled water.

Say, you wouldn't be averse to laying a small bet

on the outcome, would ya, Henry?

‐No, sir. ‐What do ya say to a hundred?

‐Dollars? ‐Yes.

‐You got it. ‐Good!

Good evening, and welcome

to the inter‐camp boxing tournament.

Introducing the contestants.

In this corner,

representing the 3099th Mobile Army Hospital,

weighing 260 pounds,

with a record of 97 wins, no losses,

and three arrests, Sergeant "Killer" Flacker!

(crowd booing)

BARKER: Hooray!

And in this corner,

representing the fighting 4077th,

weighing 175 pounds,

all of it heart,

Kid Doctor!

(cheers and applause)

All right, fellas, I want a good, clean fight.

TRAPPER: Who doesn't?

MULCAHY: No low blows, no holding,

no rabbit punches, no kidney punches.

Sounds like a dull evening.

Go back to your corners,

and when you hear the bell, come out fighting.

And may the best man win.

(crowd murmuring)

You be careful you don't breathe in any of this stuff yourself.

Keep the glove away.

(bell dings)

HAWKEYE: Get up in his face!

Get up in his face!

Put the glove in his face!

Put it in his face, for God's sake!

Put the glove in his face!

Put it in his face!

That's a pretty unorthodox style your boy has there.

Well, he's still on his feet, isn't he?

Maybe you'd like to double that bet?

‐If you insist, General. ‐Good.

(crowd cheering)

HAWKEYE: Put the glove in his face!

Put him in‐‐ Put him in a clinch!

Put him in a clinch and‐‐

Put it up in there!

What's he doing? What's he doing? Get it in his face!

Get it up in his face! Get it up in his face!

Stick it in his face! What's a matter with you?

‐Give it some‐‐ ‐Come on!

WOMAN: Get up! Get up!

HAWKEYE: Get up, Trap!

‐Trap, get up! Come on! ‐One, two, three!

Hello, Hawkeye. What are you doing at the prom?

We've been had! Somebody switched bottles on us.

You stall him. I'll be right back.

‐MULCAHY: Eight! ‐No, you stall him.

‐I'll be right back. ‐Go!

Oh, no!

‐MULCAHY: One! Two! ‐Get up! Get up!

Get up, Trap! Trap, get up! Come on!

‐Three! Four! ‐Get up! Get up! Get up! Pull yourself up!

‐Five! ‐Get up!

(bell rings)

You're okay, you're okay. You're okay.

‐Where am I? ‐You're right here in the ring.

Now for the big question. Who am I?

Everything is gonna be all right.

Don't waste any time.

Get him in a clinch and stick this right in his face.

‐Whose face? ‐(bell rings)

‐WOMAN: Come on, come one! ‐MAN: Let's fight!

HAWKEYE: Get him in a clinch!

That's it! Hug him!

Get him in a cl‐‐ that's it!

Stick it in his face! Get it‐‐

That's it! That's it!

‐(sniffing) ‐That's good!

Ha ha! That's‐‐

‐Aah! ‐(crash)

‐(crowd cheering) ‐(Houlihan screaming)

One, two, three,

‐four, five, ‐Aah!

six, seven,

eight, nine, ten.

(bell rings)

♪♪♪

We did it!

‐How does it feel? ‐Hard to see through. Yeah, well I couldn't get a prescription steak.

‐You wanna martini? ‐My very thought.

Oh, here's something for both eyes.

Gentlemen, well,

you lived up to your part of the deal,

and I have lived up to mine.

Keep moving or you're dead.

It's true. You fought for me.

That's right.

I must say, I'm impressed.

‐Well, I should hope so. ‐Hey, I managed him, you know.

Does it hurt?

Not a lot. No. I laid out his training and everything.

You think it's easy planning strategy

and everything, and standing in the corner

wondering if he'll ever come home?

I would‐‐ I would have fought myself,

but I, uh, I had this shoulder injury in college,

and it never got better

I, uh...

I try not to burden my friends with it,

uh, actually.

TRAPPER: Here, put this on your shoulder.

It'll help.

♪♪♪ (theme)