Original subtitles

♪♪♪(theme)

(Hawkeye singing softly)

♪ Crochet your titties ♪

(humming)

(medical chatter)

(humming)

You know, we got a big man here.

This guy's a two‐star general.

Eh, take away their skivvies and they all look like PFCs.

Phew.

I knew a brigadier who once had a star tattooed on his chest

in case he bumped into anybody in the shower.

Uh, tell me, Doctor, what was a general

doing on the front lines anyway?

Oh, this one? Uh, he's a fighting general, you know?

(whistling)

In that case, the least we can do is save him.

Mmm, if you insist.

‐Hey. ‐What?

Mm‐hmm.

Oh, boy, very shocky.

Push the plasma.

Gimme 100 m‐milligrams of hydrocortisone

to give IV.

It's empty, Doctor.

What do you mean empty? Get another one.

It's the last one.

What are you talkin' about?

All right, keep pushing the plasma.

Get me, uh‐‐ gimme some O‐negative blood on the double.

Hurry up.

All right, okay, he's out of danger for the time being.

Get Spearchucker to finish him up.

But don't tell him a mere captain saved his life.

He might not pay his bill. Come on.

Yeah, whoever screwed up on those orders,

heh heh, somebody's gonna get it.

Yeah, you wanna know where?

TRAPPER JOHN: He should be hung up by his thumbs.

HAWKEYE: No, I'm old fashioned.

I'm all for slipping him a pint of castor oil

and locking him in a closet.

Just who are you talking about?

Whoever it is that ordered the supplies last month.

It just so happens I signed that requisition, McIntyre.

Well, you almost lost us a man

'cause this was empty.

Well‐Well, that's not my fault.

You can't blame me.

I certainly had hydrocortisone on my list somewhere.

Here‐Here‐‐ Here it is.

I heard that.

You have no right to blame Major Houlihan.

That hydrocortisone and half our other supplies

was hijacked before they ever left Seoul.

It's those vicious black marketeers.

Yeah? So where are the MPs?

Yeah, they're supposed to do something

besides direct traffic

and rinse their gloves at night.

The army is aware of its responsibilities.

It so happens a truck just pulled up outside

with our replacement supplies.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Well, Frank's gotta stop every five minutes

and do a commercial for a friendly American war.

They're insufferable.

Last night I had a dream.

They both broke their jaws

and had to have their mouths wired shut.

Sorry I'm late, but I got stopped by an MP roadblock.

They're checkin' everybody.

The area is crawling with hijackers.

Whoops.

I'll bet you don't know

what kind of wood this is.

‐It's oak. ‐Nope.

It's oak.

Just look at it.

It's 100 years old if it's a day.

Well, this is what a man needs,

far from the security of home:

roots, solidity, strength.

Henry.

Don't do that.

Henry, we're in big trouble.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

Hey, how do you like my new desk?

Your new desk?

We just lost 200 vials of hydrocortisone.

Well, what do you want from me?

We want you to call General Hammond down in Seoul

right away, demand some action.

I couldn't do that.

TRAPPER JOHN: Henry, we have got to have that stuff.

Gimme the Fourth Convalescent in Seoul.

I want to talk to General Hammond.

It's‐‐ if he's not there,

try him at the officers' mess. It's urgent.

I'm well aware of that.

I mean, I am a doctor, too, you know.

Henry, that's your high school diploma.

Well‐Well, don't you recognize my voice yet,

you knucklehead?

This is Colonel Blake.

Hmm.

Off the desk.

Yeah, hello, hello.

Okay, uh‐uh, Colonel Blake?

‐Hmm? ‐Uh, General Hammond.

Well, now there's a coincidence for ya,

him calling me right now.

Hello, General.

What do you want?

Well, you called me, sir.

I called you, huh?

Didn't I tell you to stay away from that homemade stuff?

‐Black market. ‐Off the desk.

Oh, no, sir, I'm sorry.

Uh, now, what I wanted to talk to you about

was the black market.

What did you want to say about it?

Well... it's terrible.

No, what I mean is,

they just knocked off our supplies again.

And could you possibly send us another batch of hydrocortisone?

Now listen, Henry.

I don't give a hoot in hell if you do have somebody

that can bring us Bob Hope for Christmas.

The 4077th got their allotment for the month.

‐Now that's all you get. ‐But, General...

I'm a busy man, Henry.

I've got an important meeting this afternoon

with MacArthur.

‐Oh, yes, sir. ‐♪♪♪(military march)

Goodbye, sir.

I tried.

That was trying, huh?

Well, we can't bother the general with this sort of thing.

He, uh, has a meeting this afternoon with MacArthur.

Well, we gotta do something and be brilliant.

Listen, if we can't figure out a way

to out‐black‐market the black market,

then we don't deserve the illustrious reputation

we've tried so hard to achieve.

HAWKEYE: Any luck?

Top pocket.

Charlie Lee?

He's your man.

He's the biggest operator in Seoul.

He has an office behind a bar

that's owned by Madam Koo.

Mm. I signed out a jeep for you.

It's outside.

Make sure nobody steals it down there, huh?

Thanks, Radar.

I'll be back later to pump out your stomach.

(man singing "Chattanooga Choo‐choo" in Japanese)

Hey, listen, we gotta hire somebody to watch the jeep.

I mean, with all this black‐market action,

uh, you know, they're like piranhas.

You got a good thought there.

But you didn't get it fast enough.

TRAPPER JOHN: They must have worked a pit stop.

I hope they choke on the tires.

(knocking on door)

‐Mr. Lee? ‐To you, Charlie.

I'm Hawkeye Pierce. This is Trapper McIntyre.

And a terrific surgeon, too.

‐Oh, he's checked us out. ‐Yeah.

You guys got the best rep

in Southeast Asia theater of operations.

Uh, listen, I don't like to bring it up, but, uh...

‐(nervous chuckles) ‐Come on, Charlie. What is it?

Lately, I've been getting a grab right around here.

‐Oh, really? ‐Oh, a little tightness there?

‐Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. ‐Come here. Come on.

Yeah, lean over the, uh, desk.

‐Yeah. ‐Yeah, okay.

‐Right up here? ‐Right up in here. Yeah, right there.

Ooh, does it run down the arm? Hmm.

Yeah, right. Yeah, right, right.

You know what that is? Tension. Pressures.

Yes, yeah.

How's, uh... How's everything at home?

‐Any trouble? ‐Fine. No, no.

‐Business okay? ‐Yeah, yes.

TRAPPER JOHN: Charlie, you should take, uh, maybe long weekends, huh?

Try some golf.

Yeah, have a little drink before dinner.

‐That'll help? ‐Well, it wouldn't hurt.

‐Hey, I love that sweater. ‐Ooh.

Alpaca.

For Charlie Lee, nothing but the best.

Hey, very nice.

Now, what can I do for you fellas?

Well, I'll make it short and sweet.

There's been a heist.

Two shipments of medical supplies.

There's a lot of call for that.

Well, we don't mind the other stuff,

but they cleaned us out of hydrocortisone,

and that we need, bad.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, we made a deal this morning.

The stuff goes for $10,000.

10,000 bucks?

Tell you what. I shouldn't do this.

You meet that offer,

and I'll kill the other deal.

But, Charlie, where are we gonna come up

with that kind of scratch?

Look, we'll give it to you in trade.

Free hospitalization.

Uh, appendix operations, nose jobs.

In my organization, we already have a health plan,

including retirement benefits.

I got it. We'll swap you somethin'.

We can get our hands on all kinds of equipment.

Oh, yeah, a lotta stuff.

There must be something you want.

Wow.

I bet he gives a year's guarantee

on parts and labor.

This is only the showroom.

The real stuff is in the warehouse.

Lookit, fellas, I'd like to go it along with you,

but I'm a businessman.

If there was just something you had I could use.

You know what, Charlie? There is.

Something there's only one of

in all of Southeast Asia.

A very special item that would enhance this office

and give it what it cries out for: prestige.

A man of your importance shouldn't be sitting

behind a puny little piece of furniture like this.

The moment somebody walks in that door,

they should know they're in the presence

of nothing but the best.

You should have something

at least 100 years old.

Something that represents dignity,

roots, solidity.

A genuine American antique desk.

(man singing "My Blue Heaven" in Korean)

Wait till Henry gets a load of those stars.

You'll have to beat him off with a stick.

‐Which way to the desk? ‐In there.

Henry will be the one

with the furniture polish in his hand.

‐Sir? ‐HENRY: Hmm?

‐Uh, sir, there's a general to see ya. ‐(thump)

Oh, G‐‐

Ahem.

TRAPPER JOHN: General Lee,

our commanding officer, Colonel Blake.

So grand to meet you, Colonel Blake.

We didn't have any luck in Seoul, Henry,

but the general was kind enough to drop us off here.

He's‐He's on an inspection tour.

You tell truth.

Well, anything I can do to make you comfortable, sir.

I don't suppose you'd care for a little refreshment

this early in the day?

Depend on what you have.

In my place, we have nothing but the best.

Oh, General, nothing but the finest, sir.

Oh, if it's good stuff, I know.

Oh, that's why we can't be too careful these days.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You can't be too careful, no.

Well, here we go.

A little hair from the dragon, as it were.

General.

‐Cheers. ‐L'chaim.

‐You have nice office. ‐Thank you.

Handsome desk.

Oh, you‐you know quality.

You know, if I were to tell you about this desk‐‐

‐Tell him, Henry. Tell him. ‐Yeah, don't leave out a thing.

Well, first of all...

I'll bet you don't know what kind of wood it is.

Oak.

Nope. It's oak.

‐LEE: Handmade. ‐HENRY: And it's handmade.

You know what that means?

Not made in Japan on assembly line, huh?

‐Right? ‐Right.

Uh, tell me, Henry, just out of curiosity,

how did you get a desk that big into this office?

Oh, the top comes off.

‐Ah, the top comes off. ‐The top comes off.

You'll have to move this vehicle.

This space is reserved for ambulances.

Hey, now, wait a minute, Colonel.

I'm a major.

Wanna be a colonel? Huh?

What do you mean by that?

Oh‐oh, forget it, forget it.

Wanna buy a good watch?

Cheap.

14 carat, Swiss movement.

No, I don't wanna buy any watches.

Okay. Wanna sell one?

Pay top dollar.

You get this vehicle outta here.

I don't want to see it or you when I come back.

You gave me the straight poop. It's a deal.

The hydrocortisone for the desk.

I'll have the truck in front of this building

at, uh, 0600.

Okay.

‐But the desk better be here. ‐Oh, yeah.

Because if it's not, the truck takes off,

and I sell to my other buyer.

It'll be here.

I don't know how you guys gonna pull this off

without anybody getting wise.

That makes two of us.

Three of us.

They're up to something.

That general's aide.

Now, what kind of a man wears wristwatches on his leg?

I think we should tell the colonel.

Ah, they can wrap Henry around their little fingers.

We've got to go to him with conclusive evidence,

something that will get them court‐martialed

and behind bars for 20 years.

Oh, Frank, do you think you could?

It's 0500.

Okay, thanks. Get lost.

Hey, come on. We gotta get movin'.

I was just having‐‐

I don't care who you were having.

Come on, let's go.

Come on.

(straining)

(thumping)

(grunt) These things were really built to last.

It's that lousy good craftsmanship.

Why didn't they make things like they do today?

(footsteps approaching)

Oh!

Margaret.

‐Is that you? ‐Frank?

‐I thought I heard a noise. ‐I was just checking to see‐‐

(both giggling)

Funny, isn't it?

What?

Us...

you, me... meeting like this.

Oh, Frank...

May I say you look very lovely,

the way the flashlight catches your hair.

I just washed it. It must look a mess.

No, it‐it's beautiful.

Thank you.

Margaret?

Yes?

Thank you.

For what?

For being you.

Do you know what I love most about you?

Tell me.

Your lobes.

They drive me wild.

Oh, be wild, Frank. Be wild.

I'd like to slip into something a little more comfortable.

‐Like what, darling? ‐The supply tent.

The supply tent, yes. Yes, yes, darling.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

That may have turned me off permanently.

(lock latches)

Well, at least we know the colonel's liquor's safe.

We're locked in.

How does a guy who's so bad with a needle

always know right where to jab us?

I don't know.

Radar better have the key to this vault.

Nope.

Well, hurry up. The truck'll be here soon.

All right.

(truck approaching)

I think we just passed "soon".

What do I do now?

Get your fanny out there and hold that truck!

What good is holding the truck

when we can't even get the desk outta here?

Don't confuse me. I can only handle

one catastrophe at a time.

It's Radar.

I think we've stumbled on a whole syndicate.

My boss say "If desk not ready, cut out fast."

Okay, but my boss say "Please wait."

Come on, buddy. Five minutes.

It isn't gonna cost you anything

to give them a little more‐‐

To give them a little what, Corporal?

I said, to give them a little what?

Uh, some more duck sauce for his egg roll, sir.

The colonel has to be kept happy.

‐You're lying, Radar. ‐Sir?

I happen to know the colonel despises

duck sauce on his egg roll.

(clattering)

Major, you're absolutely right.

The truth is, sir, that this man is not a delivery man.

Actually, sir, he's with the CIA

and he's on a case at this very moment.

Oh, I see.

Oh, it so happens he looks fantastically

like the man that tried to sell me a watch yesterday.

I'd like to get a good look at your legs.

Oh, one of those, huh?

You get this truck off the base in the next 60 seconds,

or you'll be showing your line of watches to the MPs!

MPs? Uh, yes, sir.

Uh, maybe another time. Got to solve big case.

And you, get back to headquarters.

Yes, sir.

(engine starting)

What are you two doing?

Early Mass.

Mass?

W‐Where's Father Mulcahy?

We started without him.

Hmm.

Forget it.

The truck's gone. The major ordered him out.

What are we gonna do?

We can't carry this thing all the way to Seoul.

Get O'Brien.

All right, Frank. You got me up,

but you better have a good reason.

Well, the cold facts are, sir, that I believe

there are black stockings‐‐

marketeers operating on this base.

I'm not in a position to name names.

Black marketeers? On my base?

‐(fingers snap) ‐My booze.

Where's O'Brien?

My desk.

My beautiful 100‐year‐old desk.

What's going on here, Frank?

(helicopter blades whirling)

Pardon me, Henry, uh... isn't that your desk?

Yeah, that's my genuine antique desk.

Sending it out to be waxed?

I don't know what it's doing up there.

It just keeps going up, up, up.

To a far, far better place, I'm sure.

(honking)

200 vials of hydrocortisone. as promised.

We'll make sure that it gets to the right people.

You'll understand if we don't give you a receipt.

Yeah.

Just got a wire from the insurance company.

They say they're willing to pay off on my desk

as soon as I can give them a believable explanation.

Hey.

Have you got a relative who's a general?

You know how it is, Colonel.

We all look alike.