Original subtitles

DEAR, ARE YOU GOING TO THE RETIREMENT SEMINAR TODAY?

WHY SHOULD I?

TO PLAN OUR FUTURE.

WE DON'T WANT TO END UP LIKE ONE OF THOSE PATHETIC OLD COUPLES

WHO SIT AROUND THE KITCHEN IN THEIR BATHROBES DRINKING COFFEE ALL DAY.

GLADYS, THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN TO US

AS LONG AS WE KEEP PLAYING THE HORSES.

MOM, DAD,

CAN I GIVE YOU A HINT WHAT I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY?

IF YOU MUST.

WHEN IS IT?

YESTERDAY.

[chuckles] BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR, BOY.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO PULL THAT ON ME AGAIN THIS YEAR.

I WANT MY OWN PERSONAL 2-MAN SUBMARINE.

IT HAS A PERISCOPE, TORPEDO LAUNCHER,

SHIP-TO-SHORE RADIO, EMERGENCY DIVE OUTFIT,

AND A FUNCTIONAL CIGARETTE LIGHTER.

AND IT ONLY COSTS $19.95.

CHRIS, DON'T BE DUPED BY A PHONY AD.

YOU CAN'T BUY A SUB WITH ALL THAT FOR $19.95.

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT CLOSE TO A BILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF EQUIPMENT.

OH, RIGHT.

"ADS IN COMIC BOOKS ARE ALWAYS RIP-OFFS."

OUT TO SUCKER DUMB LITTLE KIDS LIKE ME.

YOU'RE SO NEGATIVE, DAD.

YEAH. IRONIC, ISN'T IT?

ESPECIALLY WHEN I'VE BEEN BLESSED WITH SO MUCH.

I'LL JUST HAVE TO EARN THE MONEY MYSELF.

I KNOW, I'LL GET A PAPER ROUTE.

�[choir singing]

CHRIS, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO GET SUCKED INTO A DEAD-END JOB LIKE THAT?

IT'S ONLY TILL THE SUB'S PAID OFF.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GONNA DO IT FOREVER.

�[Time Won't Let Me by Outsiders playing]

� I CAN'T WAIT FOREVER

� EVEN THOUGH YOU WANT ME TO

� I CAN'T WAIT FOREVER

[door banging]

IS IT HERE YET?

JEEZ, ARE YOU DEAF?

IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.

OH.

OH, JOYOUS, RAPTUROUS DAY!

IT CAME, IT CAME!

OH, MY. OH.

I GUESS ALL MY YEARS OF HOPING

AND... AND GROWING INTO MY WEIGHT ARE FINALLY OVER.

IT'S HERE. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

AND JUST IN TIME FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

WHICH IS WHEN?

�[Stand by R.E.M. playing]

[bicycle bell ringing]

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE �

� SO STAND

[chuckling] JEEZ, THIS THING'S REALLY LATE.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE 4 TO 6 WEEKS.

YOU'D HAVE THOUGHT THE POSTAL SERVICE WOULD HAVE IMPROVED

SINCE WE SOLD IT TO THE JAPANESE.

LOUSY KRAUTS.

CHRIS, IT'S SAYS 4 TO 600 WEEKS.

OH, OH. JEEZ. WOW.

WELL, I GUESS IT'S A WEEK EARLY THEN.

[grunts]

ALLEY-OOP!

OH.

IT'S BROKEN.

YOU IDIOT, YOU HAVE TO PUT IT TOGETHER.

OH.

OH, JEEZ, WELL,

I'LL JUST SLAP IT TOGETHER THEN.

LUCKILY, IT CAME WITH THIS HANDY INSTRUCTIONAL BOOKLET.

[sniffs]

UH,

WHAT DOES "BAUNK WAUNK KAY, AY BAUNK WAUNK WAUNK AY,

BAUNK WAUNK WAUNK BAUNK WAUNKA" MEAN?

ANY IDEAS?

OH, THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.

I GET TO BUILD IT AND LEARN A WHOLE NEW COMPLEX LANGUAGE AT THE SAME TIME.

CHRIS, YOU CAN'T JUST SLAP THAT TOGETHER. IT TAKES REAL SKILL.

EVEN SO, IT'LL PROBABLY NEVER WORK.

WELL,

WOULD YOU HELP ME BUILD MY SUBMARINE?

I MEAN, THIS PROJECT KINDA REEKS

OF FATHER-SON QUALITY TIME POTENTIAL.

CHRIS, THERE'S ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN THE DAY.

I CAN'T SPEND TIME WITH YOU AND DRINK COFFEE.

[birds chirping]

OH, GREAT, YOU'RE HERE. TERRIFIC.

[chuckling] GREAT, YOU'RE JUST IN TIME FOR THE CHRISTENING.

HEY, DAD, WHERE'S THAT BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE I ASKED YOU TO BUY?

I DRANK IT.

OK, WELL, HERE IT IS. TIME FOR THE UNVEILING.

[clears throat]

�[humming]

[exclaims]

DOESN'T LOOK QUITE RIGHT.

WELL, THE PICTURE IN THE AD WAS REALLY JUST A SUGGESTION.

HAVE YOU GIVEN THIS DEATH TRAP A NAME YET?

YES, YES, UH, TONY.

WELL, DON'T YOU GET IT?

TONY, AS IN TONY THE TIGER.

CORNFLAKES.

[sighs]

BECAUSE THERE'S NO SUB... STITUTE FOR BREAKFAST.

I THOUGHT I WAS HAMMERED.

ALL RIGHT. NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE INAUGURAL FIRING UP.

NOW YOU BETTER STAND BACK 'CAUSE THIS BABY RUNS ON 54 D BATTERIES.

I'M GLAD WE FINALLY LEARNED HOW TO HARNESS THAT POWER FOR PEACEFUL USES.

WHOA, WHOA.

[sparking]

JEEZ.

I THOUGHT I HAD THAT PROBLEM WORKED OUT.

CHRIS, THIS IS TOO DANGEROUS.

WHY, IF YOU HAD BEEN INSIDE THAT THING,

YOU WOULD HAVE BURNED UP THAT NEW SHIRT I JUST BOUGHT YOU.

[sighing] MOM, DAD,

I'M GONNA LET YOU IN ON THE BIGGEST SECRET, I'VE EVER KEPT FROM YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING AND I'M SCARED.

I THINK I BETTER HELP THE SIMP.

OH, DAD.

THANKS, THANKS. YOU DO LOVE ME AFTER ALL.

OH, DON'T GO GETTING MISTY-EYED,

I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO SEE THIS DUMP GO UP IN FLAMES.

[grunts]

WELL, I'VE GOT TO ADMIT, IT LOOKS PRETTY DAMN FINE.

[chuckles]

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WAS KINDA FUN PUTTING IT TOGETHER.

AM I NUTS OR DID WE ACTUALLY BOND FOR A SECOND THERE?

NO, DAD, I THINK WE ACTUALLY DID BOND FOR A SECOND.

YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY I CRAZY-GLUED YOUR EYELIDS SHUT.

I JUST WANTED TO SEE HOW FAR THAT THING WOULD SQUIRT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

TIME FOR IT'S MAIDEN VOYAGE, HUH?

HELP ME GET TONY INTO THE BATHTUB.

BATHTUB?

CHRIS, THIS ISN'T LIKE ONE OF YOUR FISHER-PRICE TOYS.

THIS IS A $20 PIECE OF MACHINERY.

YEAH, BUT, DAD, DR. COUSTEAU TESTS ALL HIS EQUIPMENT THIS WAY.

I READ THAT ONCE.

OR DREAMT IT.

AND... AND THAT'S WHY ABOUT 5 YEARS AGO,

I SPENT THE WEEKEND SEALING UP MY TUB IN ANTICIPATION OF THIS VERY MOMENT.

AT THIS POINT, CHRIS,

OUR QUALITY TIME IS OFFICIALLY OVER,

AND MY COFFEE TIME HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN.

OH, OK, DAD, SURE.

NO, YOU-YOU'RE RIGHT. I-I'LL JUST TEST IT MYSELF.

I-I'LL TAKE IT OUT BACK TO THAT WEIRD POND BEHIND THE SEWAGE PLANT.

I'M SURE I WON'T COME BACK WITH ANY DISEASES

THAT COULD INFECT THE ENTIRE FAMILY, SO DON'T WORRY...

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. YOU GOT ME FOR ANOTHER 10 MINUTES.

[chuckling] GREAT. THANKS.

OK. YOU GRAB THE BACK.

ON 3.

1, 2, 3.

(Chris) IT'S GREAT TO FEEL THE SEA AGAIN, ISN'T IT?

NOW, THERE ARE A FEW NAUTICAL RULES

THAT I HAVE TO FAMILIARIZE YOU WITH.

UH, TO BEGIN WITH, I AM THE EL CAPITAN. OK?

AND YOU ARE THE FIRST CHAMBERMAID.

YOU'LL OBEY ALL ORDERS WITHOUT QUESTION,

[electronic humming] YOU WILL SPEAK ONLY WHEN SPOKEN TO,

AND YOU WILL NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, SIR,

DISABLE ANY OF THE SMOKE ALARMS IN THE RESTROOMS.

OTHER THAN THAT, ENJOY THE BUFFET.

CHRIS, I GOTTA GO.

I FEEL A CASE OF THE BENDS COMING ON.

OH, I'M SORRY. WOULD YOU LIKE A ROLAIDS?

[gasping]

WOW.

[chuckles]

IT'S LIKE ANOTHER WORLD DOWN HERE, ISN'T IT?

OH, DAD, LOOK. LOOK.

AN OLD BOOT. HUH.

NO DOUBT CAST OVERBOARD LONG AGO BY SOME ANCIENT MARINER.

CHRIS, THAT'S ONE OF YOUR SLIPPERS.

OH.

OH, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

[chuckling] I'M SORRY.

I JUST GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE MOMENT.

IT'S LIKE THE REAL THING DOWN HERE.

ALMOST BETTER.

WELL, SAY, NOW THAT YOU'RE GETTIN' INTO THE SPIRIT,

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOUR LITTLE ONBOARD SURPRISE.

[chuckles]

HATS.

HERE YOU GO.

MMM-HMM.

NOW WE'RE LIKE JACQUES COUSTEAU, AND HIS SON, PHILIPPE.

BONJOUR. BONJOUR, PHILIPPE.

[chuckling] PHILIPPE, PHILIPPE.

PHILIPPE, THERE ARE SWIMMING MONKEYS.

AND THEY'RE COMING TOWARDS US AND THEY'RE ARMED.

WE MUST RETALIATE AGAINST THIS AGGRESSIVE ACTION AGAINST OUR PEACEFUL VESSEL.

[bells ringing]

OH, I'M SUCH A HOOT, AREN'T I?

CHRIS, I SHOULD INFORM YOU,

I'VE COMPLETELY LOST INTEREST IN THIS.

OH.

WELL, YOU'LL LIKE IT BETTER WHEN YOU LOOK THROUGH THE PERISCOPE.

PERISCOPE UP!

ALL RIGHT. I'LL DO IT.

WOW.

[laughs]

NEAT.

[laughing] COOL.

�[Chris humming]

OH, THAT DOES IT.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

IT'S... IT'S STUCK.

HUH? WELL, UH, MAYBE IT RUSTED SHUT FROM AGE.

IT'S ONLY BEEN WET FOR A MINUTE.

ALL RIGHT, UH, DON'T... DON'T WORRY, DAD, UH,

AC-ACCORDING TO THESE INSTRUCTIONS HERE, THERE'S... THERE'S...

OH, THERE'S ENOUGH AIR IN HERE FOR A FULL 20 MINUTES.

HUH, MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME, FOR THE NAVY SEAL RESCUE SQUAD TO COME

AND TAKE US TO SAFETY.

[grunting]

AND THERE WE GO.

SEE, DAD, I'VE MANAGED TO PLUG THE FLOW OF WATER WITH THE PERISCOPE.

GOOD GOING, CHRIS. WE'RE DYIN' IN HERE,

BUT AT LEAST THE WATER BILL WILL BE MANAGEABLE.

I... I KNOW IT SAID THAT WE ONLY HAVE 20 MINUTES OF AIR IN HERE,

BUT, UH, I'M SURE THAT'S JUST AN APPROXIMATION.

IF WE BREATHE SLOWER,

AND UH, IF WE CUT DOWN ON THE, UH,

THE YAP-YAP, PLEASE, SIR?

IF YOU COULD, I THINK, UH, WE COULD PROBABLY STRETCH THAT OUT

FOR ANOTHER 36 SECONDS.

YOU KNOW, WE MUST ALREADY BE LOW ON AIR,

BECAUSE YOU'RE STARTING TO MAKE SENSE TO ME.

WE ALSO, BY THE WAY, SHOULD ECONOMIZE OUR MOVEMENTS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

UH, SEE THAT'S, DUH, WUH, YEAH.

PLEASE.

NOW THE UNFORTUNATE THING IS, IT'S TIME FOR MY DAILY EXERCISES THOUGH.

SO, WOULD YOU JUST HOLD MY FEET FIRMLY IF YOU COULD?

NO.

ALL RIGHT. FINE, DAD, BUT IF I DON'T DO 6 SIT-UPS A DAY,

MY SVELTE FIGURE GOES STRAIGHT TO HELL.

JUST GET US OUT OF HERE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I-I'LL CALL ON THE SHIP-TO-SHORE RADIO FOR HELP.

[clears throat]

[clicking switch]

HELLO. HELLO, BREAKER.

BREAKER 1, 2, 3. BREAKER, UH,

THIS IS "TIGHT PANTS," ANYBODY GOT THEIR EARS ON?

YEAH, I NEED, UH, I NEED A GOOD BUDDY TO COME TO MY 20

AND LEND ASSISTANCE TO, UH, "TIGHT PANTS SENIOR" AND MYSELF.

COPY THAT? ANYBODY COPY THAT? COME BACK.

10, 10, I'M 10, 10, ON YOUR 20.

CHRIS, HMM?

THAT'S JUST A PLASTIC TOY. NOBODY CAN HEAR YOU.

I GUESS I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO DO THIS MANUALLY THEN.

OK.

[yelling] HELP!

HELP!

[inaudible]

THAT SOUNDS LIKE CHRIS SCREAMING,

AS IF HE'S TRAPPED UNDER A LOT OF WATER.

OH, THAT'S SILLY.

IT'S PROBABLY JUST ONE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD CATS, GETTING RUN OVER.

[sighs]

[Chris screaming] HELP!

HELP!

HELP!

[sobbing]

[sighs]

[sighs]

GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO COCKY

ABOUT LIVING THIS LONG WITHOUT HEARING LOSS.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, THE WORST THING WE COULD DO IS PANIC, OK?

LET'S... LET'S TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT DYING, ALL RIGHT?

JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT,

YOU KNOW, YOUR... YOUR CHEST HEAVING FOR EVERY LAST SCRAP OF AIR,

[panting] AND YOUR... YOUR

BLOOD TURNING PURPLE FROM LACK OF HELIUM.

AND YOUR... YOUR EYES BULGING

AND... AND POPPING OUT AND BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS

LIKE SO MANY BALLS IN A GYMNASIUM.

[gasping]

[screaming]

HELP! HELP! HELP!

I'M... I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO DO THAT.

ARE YOU KIDDING? THAT'S MORE FUN THAN I'VE HAD ALL YEAR.

FREAK OUT ANYTIME.

DAD, I'M NOT THAT OUT OF CONTROL.

[snickers]

[yelling] SQUID! SQUID!

[screaming]

THIS IS TURNING OUT TO BE AN OK TRIP AFTER ALL.

KNOCK, KNOCK.

(Larry) HELLO? MRS. PETERSON?

(Gladys) OH, HI.

HI. IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN.

TIME FOR MY ANNUAL DISTRIBUTION

OF MY SPECIAL GERMAN CHOCOLATE DIVINITY SQUARES

TO ALL THE FOLKS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

NOW I KNOW HOW EVERYONE LOOKS FORWARD TO IT.

ESPECIALLY MR. PETERSON. SO THERE YOU GO.

OH, WELL. THEY LOOK SO LOVELY AGAIN, DEAR.

WHERE'S CHRIS?

UP IN HIS ROOM PLAYING.

REMEMBER OUR DEAL. WHEN WE CAME HERE YOU SAID THAT I COULD SAY "HI" TO HIM.

YES, BUT JUST FOR 5 MINUTES.

AND I AM TIMING.

THANK YOU AGAIN, DEAR.

THEY SMELL SO WONDERFUL.

IF THIS YEAR IS ANYTHING LIKE LAST YEAR,

THEY WON'T BE AROUND LONG.

[laughing] OH.

[sighs]

[footsteps receding]

AND THEN THE EYES ROLL BACK IN THE HEAD.

THE SHARKS' EYES.

THEY'RE NOT LIKE A HUMAN'S EYES,

THEY'RE BLACK.

IT'S LIKE A DOLL'S EYE.

AND THEN YOU HEAR THAT HORRIBLE HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM.

YOU GO IN THE CAGE,

CAGE GOES IN THE WATER,

SHARK IN THE WATER.

� FAREWELL AND ADIEU TO YOU SPANISH LADIES �

� FAREWELL AND ADIEU TO YOU �

WOULD YOU PIPE DOWN?

I'M TRYING TO FINISH THIS CROSSWORD PUZZLE.

OH, I'M SORRY.

WOULD YOU PREFER A SCENE FROM SOPHIE'S CHOICE?

HELLO? CHRIS?

[birds chirping]

OH.

SO THIS IS THE DEPTH, TO WHICH A MAN WILL SINK

WITHOUT THE INFLUENCE OF A WOMAN.

PRETTY COOL, HUH?

[sighs]

WELL, LARRY, THAT'S WEIRD.

DIDN'T THE PIZZA BARGE CLOSE DOWN A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO?

YEAH?

OH.

OH, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO TOUCH ANYTHING OF HIS.

I'M GONNA GO WASH MY HANDS.

NOT THAT THE BATHROOM ISN'T ANOTHER HELL-HOLE.

WELL, THAT'S INTERESTING.

SHARON JUST WALKED IN.

MAYBE SHE'LL TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF, IF SHE DOESN'T NOTICE US.

GET HER ATTENTION. AND PUT OUT THE DAMN PIPE.

OH, I'M SORRY.

HEY, HEY!

HEY!

WHAT? WHAT DO YOU... HUH?

[speaking gibberish]

I DON'T THINK SHE'S GETTING THE MESSAGE.

SHE CAN'T HEAR YOU, CHRIS.

WRITE HER SOMETHING.

OH. UH...

[pen scratching]

WHAT'S GOIN' ON? WHERE'S SHE GOIN'?

WHERE'S SHE GOIN'?

WHAT ARE YOU... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

(Larry) WHAT'S THE MATTER, HONEY?

IS CHRIS IN THERE?

LARRY, HE IS DOING SOMETHING SO WEIRD IN THERE THAT, UH...

WELL, I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO LET YOU SEE IT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU WRITE THAT WE'RE DYING IN HERE?

WELL, DAD, YOU DON'T JUST BLURT OUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

JEEZ.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE ART OF CONVERSATION? COME ON.

NOW LOOK, DON'T WORRY. I'M SURE SHE GOT THE MESSAGE.

I'M SURE SHE'S GOING FOR HELP RIGHT NOW.

YOU'LL PARDON THE EXPRESSION, BUT, "DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH."

[dripping]

WHY AM I SWEATING?

OH, THE CEILING IS SWEATING.

IT'S UNUSUAL, BUT HARDLY WORTH INVESTIGATING.

[buzzing]

UH. UH.

[knocking]

WELL, AT LEAST YOUR MOTHER WILL BE ABLE TO

COLLECT ON THE INSURANCE AND BE RICH

LIKE SHE ALWAYS WANTED.

THERE'S JUST ENOUGH TIME LEFT, FOR YOU AND ME TO OPEN UP TO EACH OTHER.

DAD IS THERE SOMETHING, YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY TO ME,

BUT WAS NEVER ABLE TO?

LOOK DEEP WITHIN YOURSELF.

NO, I'M... I'M, DRAWING A BLANK. SORRY.

LOOK DEEPER.

CHRIS, THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK ABOUT,

IS THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE THE MOST EMBARRASSING OBITUARY TO EVER HIT THE PAPERS.

DAD, I... I HATE TO CORRECT YOU IN SUCH A DIRE MOMENT,

BUT, I THINK, THE GUY WHO ELECTROCUTED HIMSELF

URINATING ON THE ELECTRIC FENCE HOLDS THAT HONOR.

CHRIS, I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING I WANT TO SAY TO YOU.

CLAM UP.

IS... IS THAT FROM THE HEART?

YES.

WELL, THEN, THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO FOR YOU, FATHER.

FOR OUR FINAL MOMENTS TOGETHER.

I'M NOT GONNA SAY A PEEP.

[chuckles]

WELL, THAT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU, CHRIS.

I REALLY DO APPRECIATE IT.

IT'S ALMOST, WELL, LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE.

[grunting]

I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T DO IT.

I'M A BABBLING IDIOT NOW AND FOREVER.

I AM WHAT I AM.

OH, TAKE IT EASY.

I'VE KNOWN THAT SINCE THE DAY YOU WERE CONCEIVED.

DON'T FEEL TOO BAD, YOU WENT ALMOST A MINUTE.

BUT YOU'RE PROUD OF ME?

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

OH.

WELL, OK, I'M... I'M PROUD OF YOU.

OH, OH, THANKS, DAD,

YOU'RE... YOU'RE ACTUALLY PROUD OF ME.

WOW. A NUGGET OF ACCEPTANCE.

BOY!

JEEZ. TSK. YOU KNOW WHAT?

[chuckling] I'M NOW SEEING WHY ALL THIS IS HAPPENING TO US.

IT'S REALLY KIND OF A BLESSING, ISN'T IT?

GIVE ME A BREAK.

TSK. I'M SORRY. I'M... I'M JUST SOAKING UP

THIS NEW FATHER AND SON THING THAT WE'VE GOT GOING HERE.

IT'S... IT'S PRETTY WONDERFUL IN MY BOOK.

[pipe breaks]

[groaning]

JEEZ!

HOW MANY PEOPLE GET A CHANCE TO SUFFOCATE AND DROWN?

92.

I DON'T KNOW THAT ANSWER FOR SURE.

I WAS JUST GUESSING.

FATHER?

[gasping]

BEFORE WE BOTH GO TO THAT BIG U-BOAT DOCK IN THE SKY,

COULD I HAVE ONE LAST HUG?

OK, OK. BUT WATCH YOUR HANDS.

OH, THANK YOU.

POPS, I LOVE YOU, POPS.

OH.

HEY, I WASN'T SUCH A BAD SON AFTER ALL, WAS I?

[water dripping] NO, YOU WEREN'T.

BOY, AT A TIME LIKE THIS YOU'LL SAY ANYTHING TO GET TO HEAVEN, WON'T YOU?

JEEZ! WHAT'S KEEPING THIS DAMN WATER SO LONG?

OH. YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOST AMAZING THING IS ABOUT ALL THIS IS?

IS THAT THE FLOOR OF MY BATHROOM

CAN HOLD THE WEIGHT OF ALL THIS WATER.

[rattling]

OH.

[Chris groans]

WOO.

[sniffing]

EW.

DO I SMELL SHARON'S GERMAN SWEET CHOCOLATE DIVINITY CRAP?

CHRIS, WHAT DID WE TELL YOU ABOUT PUTTING EXCESSIVE WEIGHT IN YOUR ROOM,

WHICH OUR HOUSE, STRUCTURALLY, CANNOT HANDLE?

ALL RIGHT. DON'T WORRY, MOM. I'M GONNA WRITE A LETTER

TO THAT FLIMFLAM SUBMARINE CORPORATION ABOUT MY EXTREME DISPLEASURE

WITH THEIR PRODUCT.

AND ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, I'M GONNA GET MY MONEY BACK.

NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES.

(Chris) "DEAR MR. PETERSON,

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR LETTER.

"WE'RE SORRY THAT IT HAS TAKEN US SO LONG

"TO RESPOND.

"WE WILL GLADLY REIMBURSE YOU FOR YOUR SUBMARINE.

"PLEASE RETURN IT

"IN IT'S ORIGINAL PACKAGING

FOR A FULL REFUND."

LIFE

IS JUST TOO DAMN SHORT.

[gasping]

[choking]